Day 11 of Tokyo Marathon Training

I've officially started my Tokyo Marathon training. 16 weeks plan to get me to sub 4hrs. An aim I've been only dreaming about, not really getting down to doing it. The closest I came to achieving that was 2014 Hong Kong. Unfortunately, I was affected by an injury.

 

Anyway, 11 days into the training, I've obediently trained according to the plan, not missing a day. it's 5 days training a week, and the amount of speed work involved has been something new for me. I've never done so much speed work for a Marathon training. Let's see how it goes.



11 days so far, and my legs are feeling it. I can feel the difference in power and aerobic improvement, also, I've done more mileage in the past 11 days than what I've being doing for the past 5 months... So ya.. I've been too slack ... and now is payback time. The last race that I really get down to training so seriously was probably NZ IM . 2012 Nov to 2013 Feb. Now, 3 years of slacking later... I'm reviving that determination of mine...

 

Keep going ZY. I can do it!

 

And hooray.. today is Friday. REST day..

Stupidity is how you perceive

Thinking that you are the cleverest and everybody else is stupid is really a bad way to talk to your staff. It is full of disrespect and degrading. I hate it.

So if you can make that reference to everybody else, it simply means you will be making the same comment about me, in front of others. To begin with, if you believe all your staffs are stupid, then you are the stupid one that employed them in the first place. Otherwise, you have made them stupid over time.

I am throwing in the towel and don't think I'm the one to bring the company another step forward. My heart is already not here.... compounded with all the remarks, which are uncalled for. Never one who cares much about authority, I care about respect. basic human respect. I am not putting up against this.

Will still carry out the tasks that I'm supposed to be doing, but having Km in the post will not change anything. Contradictory instructions and remarks sucks. Worst if it's different ideology.

Lucky today is Friday. Looking forward to my whisky tonight..

Step towards my passion

Today, is an important day, a day which I will take a step forward in preparing myself for my next career transition. Reading up on the roles and tasks of a consultant in a consulting firm, not only can I see myself in that role, I can see myself enjoy doing that.

Problem solving, analytical, enjoy numbers, enjoy cracking puzzles, everything that I enjoy doing in one package. Yes. This is the one that I shall prepare myself for.

Honestly, reading up on the expected tasks, the preparation required, I'm intimidated. Intimidated to the extent I feel I'm not ready to apply for it till I have much more experience. I will do it. I will go for it.

Make it happen.

5 years.. it's being 5 years since I've started working and I'm still on my first job. It's being on my mind for the past 3 years that I should be moving on and trying out different industry, but each time there is something that is pulling me back. Now, there doesn't seem to be any real reason in office to hold me back... I am holding myself back... 

I have changed much over the years.... not for the better though. Looking back on the days in my Sec school, JC, Army, Uni, I seem to have been exceptionally self motivated and driven. After 5 yrs here, I believe I have lost a huge chunk of that. Is that really a cause of me being stagnant for too long? I have progressed in this company, but plateau-ed for the past 2 years and I'm on the decline.. Sinking into a deeper hole as each day passes. Looking at how some of my friends have progressed, I wonder what am I doing.... 

I feel neglected... I feel un-cared for at times... there is an emotional void in me now... which is becoming more prominent. Independent yes.. but when you get forgotten over time for things that you feel important... the feeling sucks. It makes you thing, am I really that un-important? I mean you try to be understanding, sometimes really busy, sometimes really forgot.... but if it's really important, efforts would be made to make sure it happens. Like I said before, if it's that important to you, you will make sure you remember it.. and you put in some efforts to it. 

Perhaps, the love language is different.. perhaps the way of expression is different.. perhaps.... but how will you find out if even prompting and hinting several times, the action is not being taken up to improve on it... or even attempt to look at it.. are all my messages all so un-important? 

People say, the person you love the most tends to be the one that hurts you the most... cos even the effect of a minor thing might be amplified 10x cos words coming out from the person is worth 10x more. 

I am unhappy... Sinking into a whole of virtual reality recently, where I can control my own world... where I can control what I wanna do.. Do I really want to just game myself all the time? Not really, but I guess that's where I find relieve at the moment, without the channels being changed, without the loudness being complained too loud... 

Understanding... I try to be one ... and maybe that's what is causing me to be like this now, sometimes at the expense of keeping it to myself for too long... I feel entrapped. Communication... they say is the most important... that is something that is not done very well lately... Never being a believer of drastic actions as I believe many things can be resolved gradually, if there's a will... 

Perhaps it's time for me to do some drastic actions... I'm tired.. I'm getting drained... my energy level as zy, is not the same zy I know of. Even personality tests tell me so...  

no in between

A down day.. Don't even know what I did to deserve that cold treatment. Not being a good day at work and not a single thing was asked.
Its not that its that bad but still its just bothersome...

Not usually one that crave for attention. I dun need it literally. But mutual respect is important.

Work is not a nice place and what I've been promised is not what I've being getting. Is it cos I'm not performing up to what you expect me to? Or is it simply cos you just can't trust me enough to let go ? Or is it you just can't let go to begin with. I've said this a lot of times. There's only trust or no trust. No in between. Agree that trust is something that you earn and its not a given. But I believe that with responsibility, comes trust. To begin with, if you don't trust me, don't get me involved. Don't give me such hopes n expectations.

I take full ownership of my actions and I am responsible for what I do. Don't leave me to clear rubbish that you do halfway and then judge me on that.

I'm coming with a heavy heart not defeated but disheartened. The drive and the spark in me seem to have gone off. N I'm having some difficulty relighting it. Is it the people ? Is it the culture ? Or is it simply you? I think its a combination of few factors.

Perhaps time is up n I should not waste more time. Fair or not ? I have given you what I could over the period of time, often to my best ability with zero or little guidance. I leave u to judge yourself. But I can account for myself at the very least.

It is a recurring problem which I feel is so deeply rooted that its not within my control to make the difference.. Or rather I'm not keen in it. I have no feelings for any of them nor am I keen on restarting it. Its just dead. No chance no interest no way..

Making it sound so sad... Right..