It's 1.41 am. And I am here.. there can only be one reason..

Sometimes there are just things you can't say and you live with a heavy heart feeling so bottled up. The feeling sucks. REALLY sucks.

I have not felt so troubled for a very long time. I just can't believe that I've gotten myself into this mess. Is it really worth it? You will never know. There's always some opening that results in things happening. I always believe it's seldom one way. But sure there's more to it ? I seriously never expected this to happen. Never.. ever..

So much things have been happening over the past yr that has perhaps changed a little inside me. I no longer find the joy in chatting with people with different wave length. Well, not that I use to enjoy it, but I would at least entertain and hang around.. now, I would rather have some quiet time feeling that it's just not worthwhile spending my limited time there.

Sis has commented that I'm keeping very critical. And I actually agree. I get more frustrated by people's action and when a perception of a person sets in, that person is screwed basically. I will always doubt the person. It's not healthy and it shouldn't be the way. I know.. but it just so happens and I observed it recently. Am I going to change it? I don't know.. that's not the main concern at the moment.

My mood has been really flactuating over the past few months and it seldom really goes high up. Too be honest, I can't remb the last time it did happened. What was it? The job that has been molding me for the past 2 yrs has successfully molded me in a way that I can appear perfectly normal to others while deep down, it really isn't the case.

I don't know where I am heading at the moment. My personal confidence level is at a trough, emotionally at a trough.. my weight is nearly at the high. I don't find job in doing most of the things I'm doing now.. It has become more of a routine / necessary things to do rather than enjoying it.
Bridge? Nope, just playing it.. liking is not the same as before.
Triathlon ? Just wishing to complete my NZIM, training for the sake of training at the moment.
Diabo ? Nope. Just playing cos I got nothing else to do and I've finished reading the news.
Pool? Nope. Can play, but don't find particular joy in just potting the ball for no reason.
Diving? Nope. Though it relaxes the mind the thought of making a trip and spending so much turns me off.
Travelling? Not really keen at the moment. Not as adventurous as before.

Really.. Is there ANYTHING that can spice me up just a little ? Really. I need something ...

Is it cos of the age? That I'm simply just getting older and more mundane?

Perhaps the most scary part is I am choosing not to meet people. Rather be alone.

Alone..

Is it bothering so much so that I have no joy in all other things? Nobody can tell me this.. I know it's a issue I have to face myself.. and really. myself.. You just can't tell anybody.. it's disturbing.. it sure is..

Cross road

Perhaps it's time.. The time has drawn closer and closer..

I feel that I'm not performing in my role as well as I wanted to. Perhaps it's because of the team that I inherited doesn't feel like working for me or perhaps it's because I'm not that experienced yet. I feel it's a combination of both.

It's in a mess right now and the management is not exactly providing the correct advice / guidance. Leaving us to act on it ourselves. It's a lot of free play, that's good. But with conflicting instructions it makes it tough.

I have lost quite a bit of confidence ever since I came to KL, and it's the knowledge that you know that little makes you feel inadequate. In the world so big, there's always so much you can know. How much more you wish to learn is up to yourself. With someone who you can look up to and learn speeds up the whole process so much more.

Pathing the road for the future is what we all plan to do. It's time for me to plan my next step.

Just a moment, that's all you require

Just a moment. That's all it takes..

Just that short moment is all it takes to change a lot of things, be it completing something simple like playing a game, answering to your mum's call to do something, or something as complex as deciding whether to make an important decision that may affect one's life. It's just that split second that's going to make all the difference.

We've all got this mighty power in our hands and it depends on how you want to utilise it. However, there are times where you can't control it fast enough and you may just regret it from happening. It has happened and so what can you do next? Regret? Carry on? Live with a guilt?

It's all about life decisions. No answer for that. It's all your choice.

It sucks when you have things but you can't say, it sucks even more when you have to keep it all to yourself knowing that it's not good to let anybody else know.

There are things that you can share, but there are some that you know will have consequences if you do. Not even on an online blog, where it's evidence for others to view. Privacy is not present unless it's kept within your own mind. Only there can it be safe, where no one else can access it. But it sucks that you can't even discuss it openly. Whether it's right or wrong, you have to base it on your own judgement. I feel pretty bogged down and restricted.

I have been killing off so much of my friends and contacts, because of the current situation. No social media appearance by me except on skype, what's app as it's private messages. I've drifted so far that it's almost none significant anymore. It's a risk I took, and is it worth it? I don't know now, perhaps I'll know it 2 years down the road. Use to be one that is known to be sociable. Now? Anti-social more like it. I talk lesser now, and I attend lesser of those gatherings. I can put up a front to chat with people, but honestly, I don't enjoy big group gatherings cos it's all too cliche, all too fake.

Many people have move on and found a job, with some friends still in their degree related jobs. But mostly they are changing out of the field. It's true. One seldom stays in their choice of study as what you study is not exactly the same as what you apply. However, most people don't dare to venture too far, due to the "I don't think I know the stuff" mentality. Except some particular jobs where specific knowledge is required, I believe we can fill in the boots of another job easier than what we thought, IF we put in the effort to learn. Job opportunities are there for us. Look for somethign that you like and enjoy, and not just something that you go earn $. It becomes meaningless.

At this very moment, with everyday of my stay in KL, my alone-ism is getting stronger day by day, and I can feel my character growing in that direction. I'm getting stronger in terms of making decisions and I'm getting even more independent. Well, that's the nice way of putting things, the other side of it would be I'm getting more loner and particular about what I want in work. In my position, there's a need to be and when no one dares to make a decision, I just have to do it, and be responsible for it. That's just how it is. At the end of the day it's all about decisions, good or bad, depends on which side you are standing on.

Everything happens for a reason, and I believe that it's always an opportunity to be explored in every dire situation. Now that there is mass resignation coming along, it's time for me to bring in my own warriors who will battle it out together with me. Changes happen and it's good to have new blood, all eager and hungry for more. When things have stagnate for too long, it's never healthy. People get complacent and lazy.

I fancy the challenge I'm getting at work now but at the same time, I don't particularly enjoy parts of my work as I don't see the true value in it. Knowing that part I do plays a big role in the direction of how the sales performance will be gives me motivation to push on, but it's not my fonte and it just doesn't feel right. Honestly, I don't think this is the path I want to take in the long term. I'll learn what I can at the moment and see how I can utilise the skills I acquire.

4th time BTO balloting failed. What luck I have. I really wanted to settle down and have a place for myself, but HDB isn't helping by giving me all this rubbish ballot. Is it a sign for me to hold on? Is it a sign to tell me think twice ? Whatever. Life still goes on and I'll continue my search for another home again. Perhaps I'll continue staying in KL for long.. that's a possibility. I'm enjoying my time here in KL at the moment. Life is pretty good. Just how much you want to spend actually.

Happy CNY

Happy Chines New Year !

Usually CNY is a busy period due to the high volume of visiting that I have to cover. To make things even better, I'm in KL, to travel back to SG for visiting takes up even more time. Travelling up and down the highway for the festive period is tiring. So little time to visit so many relatives.. not mentioning friends. Only managed to squeeze out an hour to visit Lin's family on CNY eve.

Anyway, less the hectic schedule so far it's being okay. The CNY mood seems to have tapered down significantly as you grow older. Not much hype on the Hong Bao, not much hype on the gambling that you can play. New year goodies are just as per usual, only a few nice ones. What's so special about CNY now? To me, I truly understand the use of reunion dinner.

Reunion dinner is especially meaningful for me this year as my sis n her hubby came back from HK and I came back from KL to have our meals together. When everyone is away and they make a special effort to come back and gather together, I think that's what makes it special. Prior to this, we see each other daily, have regular family meals and honestly, reunion dinner doesn't hold that much significance. Now that we're all over the place, being able to come back for a meal together makes it special. Chatting over the table, sharing what has happened in each of our individual life while savouring the tasty home-cooked meal. Yums.

This Dragon year is said to be a not so good year for the tiger. ROAR! Hear the tiger ROAR ! Tigers be wary of yourself and surroundings and don't get caught off-guard. Let's make it a fruitful and rewarding year ahead !!

HUAT ARH !!

Company training in Awana Genting

Much has happened over the past 2 weeks. Dear came over on 11th night and accompanied me till 14th. In the midst of our busy schedule, we still manage to find time for each other.. As I always say, it's all up to individual effort and what you priortise. I love you dear.. =)

On 14th night itself, there's a company trip to Awana-Genting. Drove up there and met the colleagues from SG as well. It was a nice meet up with them. It's always nice to see familar faces who you're comfortable with. Training in Awana was okay, just a little taxing as it was a full 2.5days of training. At the end of it, there was a test and we were ranked with the results being read out individually from lowest to highest. Many of the lowest scorer were kinda expected staffs on my Msia side and as expected, SG staff mostly scored much better. I got 2nd, just 1 question behind Wendy. And I think we rightfully got 1st and 2nd. She's now the NTT trainer, and I'm the Msia in-charge. It gives us much more credibility when we're required to teach other ppl/ or in my case manage them.

We did better than all the other university Audiologist, and it speaks a lot about their quality. (some were top students) Never had there be a test that we did together, and from the past till now, there has always been a feeling that they don't respect us that much because we're HCC, and they're Audiologist, who are supposed to know it better. But this test shows it all otherwise, that we can be better than them and it's all up to individual efforts. Honestly, I didn't even study for it and I barely wrote down any notes. It was purely base on listening while the trainer was giving lecture. To understand concept is more important than writing down notes but not understanding. I'm glad that I did well and in turn, got a 1 day off. haha.. what a bonus. Thinking how I will spend this bonus off day..

Anyway, there are many failures in the test and they are all the "lao jiao". To find all sorts of excuses and other blames instead of thinking how to improve their own knowledge is such a loser mentality. You fail the test, you study harder.. don't blame others.

Internal rivalry is always present and it can be a good thing or it can be a bad thing.. it can create a positive competition between those who strive for the best yet at the same time it can create jealously and gossips. a one-sided skewing of results due to the different mental capacity and they say we're lucky / bias. Come on.. why is there a need to worry about all these if you're really there. Only when you can't make the cut do you complain.

I've being in the country for a period of time and I've seen enough of their attitude. Only a portion of them are much more motivated and self driven. There's a reason to why the country isn't progressing that much. It takes a lot of effort to get things done. But that's how the system is and I've just gotta get use to it and find a way around it.. The only thing I doesn't want to be involved is under table money. That's a principle that I will not cross.. Be honest and transparent is my principle. I've still got lots to learn... It's a long journey ahead.

Another month in KL

Time flies too fast..

My Dec was too busy, too pack too fast.. I had so little time to do anything else other than travelling.

Within this short one month, I drove from
KL - Ipoh - Penang - Alor Setar - Klang - KL -> 1400km
KL - Kuantan - Terengganu - Kuantan - KL -> 1100km
KL - Ipoh - Penang -> 700km
KL - JB -> 700km

KL - SG -> 3 times.

I'm on the road EVERY other day. It's kinda tiring. So much appraisal to do, so much stuff to roll out.. So much politics to handle in the office as well. I hate office politics, if possible, I would like to eradicate it altogether but that's not possible, realistically.

Travelling is part of my job, since there are so many branches all over Malaysia. The only place I've yet to be is Kota Kinabalu. Looking forward to have a visit there, hopefully can include in a diving trip as well.

Other than the hectic work that kept me all busy throughout Dec, I was thankful that I had my Xmas in SG. That was plague by a careless me who mistook the arrival time of the flight as departure time ! lol.. made me spend another RM 351 to purchase another ticket on the spot. Expensive trip to go back to see dear.. (yes.. that trip was in-promptu and I just miss her so. )

SF made a trip to KL with her two sister and her mum. Was glad to be their host and I brought them around some places for shopping. Not sure how they have enjoyed it, cos time was rather limited and I didn't know what was their preference actually. Am very happy that SF visited me. =) Makes it much more enjoyable in KL, especially when you're alone most of the time. Visitors are welcome. Only thing was that the setting and time wasn't right. Didn't exactly have the right feel to chat with her much. Next time it shall be..

It's new year time ! Happy New Year to all.. haha.. I miss the last few weeks and I'm jumbling up everything in this post. =P

Anyway, my new year resolution for 2012 would be " To make a more deliberate decision and not always say, I'll decide later". Realise that that has been an issue for me, especially since I shifted to KL. I tend to delay on the decision. Perhaps I don't have the confidence to say on the spot because I'm rather new in this Managerial position. But that's expected of me. To have the say on the situation. I will work on that, by that I mean gain more confidence by having more knowledge of the situation.

2012 will be a better year !