New directions

Hmmmm met up with my Next Staje companions. Can't believe Staje is in tatters. Sad that the values and principles that the cca was built upon is erroding. Wells it's not for me to judge I was never really involved, in the process but was always interested in the product. I appreciate and applaud the dedication momo, Shan and su put in. Great job guys!

But the reality is the system we're in. To most, Staje is just another cca, another line in a CV and it just looks good that I achieved smthin. But really it was the Staje whr I learnt slot abt life. Much more Abt discipline and teamwork and focus then when I was in army or even in hockey. From what I hear, it's sad the experience the sch has given the children. Time to crack the whip! Haha. Oh wells now how do I pray for this?

I did say we can't separate or segment our lives. Everything is related and affects everything else... I really thank God for opportunities like this because I love the stage. I love the ability of expression and experiencing perspectives and discovering emotions i never knew i could. All this talk about confidence, creativity yada yada is merely the tip of the iceberg. I admit I myself have not really experienced everything about theatre. There's more to it than I can imagine. It is limitless. The reason I come back is because we believe in a theatre reaches within and then reaches out. It is inclusive not exclusive and gives opportunities to all. I don't believe prima donna know it alls, neither do I believe in just a specific type of theatre style. It's just like the tiny red dot that keeps moving and adapting.

Anyway gonna pray abt it. I still see this as an open door.

On another issue now, I guess we need to rely on God always. Nothing in us is of any good to get us to heaven. Not even our own minds. Amazing grace how sweet the sound that saved a wretch like me. Honestly I see myself as a terrible person who doesnt deserve this redeemed life. Like why would God waste the Life of His son on me? Am I really that worth it? Well that's God's love for you it really brings you to your knees. Even in our darkest moments when we feel everyone is against us and where we can't stand the silence. it's only in this silence we realise who we really are. It's in moments like this we see our true colors shining. And I dont think it's a really nice colour. And honestly silence is a good thing. Taking away that which keeps our heart in the world may just put our gaze back on the heavenly things. Anyway what i'm saying is we're still growing. Still changing. And I guess sometimes we're all just ok with mediocre lives before abba father. We laugh and laugh and take all that is said lightly. But one day that laughter will turn to tears. And I guess that is true to some extent. Oh wells not sure what i'm talking about. I know it's really late now. For the first time my parents reprimanded me for staying out too late. hmmmm ya shall just apologize later. Anyway I really feel that the juice is running out for some of the leaders. We forgot to connect to the source. but yea persevere in prayer. Gonna end tonight with prayer.

Dream

Where do we pin our dreams upon? Hmm just a thought really. I guess I too tend to place my dreams in my own hands. Dreaming of a comfortable life with less liabilities and trading that over family time and dinner on the table? We have a right to dream whatever dream and we gotta work toward that dream. Interesting read this verse just now Psalms 62:5�My soul,Wait thou only upon God; for my expectation is from him. And it somehow reminds me that my expectations are from Him. Whatever I need, dream or want I just lay it on Him.

I guess the question is where does our soul rest when we dream of riches? At the end of the day let our words and actions be the ones that show the intentions of our hearts. Which reminds me of the past wks. It's not nice or right to scorn at others dreams even when you know you're right. To them I'm probably a wet blanket, and my actions show it. I'm just praying things will work out and bring my family back to where it was. But it's just part of the process of growing. And I need to grow more.and i'm just sad mammon has stolen my family. But like the verse says I will just wait upon the Lord and get my relations right here on Earth because what happens on the horizontal affects the vertical.

Mondays

I reli find it difficult to drag myself out... Everything was perfect until I had to wait for a bus that somehow is always full. I thought it's the holidays? Where do these ppl come from anyway?

Wells just wanted to reflect on an SMS I received earlier. This past few days it's difficult to just open my devotionals and read. It's really grace that He gently reminds me of the relationship I have with Him. I was reminded about chastisement. What caught me is in the shortrun it may be painful and we may just not understand the reasons why God puts us through such situations.
Then it struck me. The reason is love. What is love if there is no correction or discipline or wrath at the evil thongs we do? This is only part of the process growing and reaching the final destination. Ya because at the end of it comes joy and blessings. What a blessing. What we fear will bring us down only makes us more like our master.

Harmony

Somehow I just wonder why out of all nights my mind has run a flurrry. I mean after 6 mths of minding my thoughts suddenly the flood gates are open. Probably it's to put the pangs aside or maybe it's to fuel an inner emptiness I'm feeling. That aside I know my life needs harmony.

Went to an old friend's performance tonight and what really struck me was the beauty when you see dancers perform in harmony. From their lines to their form and the arcs and the turns and jumps, what an amazing creation we are. I don't know but I was thinking what happened to my dance?where has the rythm and tandem gone? Will I just let the music run after missing the beat or would I keep my head up and continue to dance on? The show must go on says the stage manager. Life doesn't end till the curtains fall. Until the story concludes and the complication resolved. What happened to my pirouette or my bunny hop, the music is still playing,the choreographer looks on. Will I dance in harmony with my God? Will my life be just facing the floor after One trip?

The curtains fall this segment's over. The intermission starts and I collect myself and breathe deep. All my thoughts are now on act 2. The bell rings I walk to the wings. The curtains open the audience quiten the lights switch on. My heart beats faster butterflies in my stomach flutter. I count in my head one thousand the orchestra blares. Here I go focused and more determined, I leap out to the music following after Him in harmony and rythm. I match the beat one two three. He lifts me up I don't resist. I watch my steps I stop to think I yield my soul to his beat. He watches me as I dance with Him. I know my father's pleased with me.

The fall that started it all just spurred me on. To dance in harmony with my God. One two three or more falls, won't keep me stuck to the floor. God has lead me and trained me thus far. I've fallen many times but it is harder everytime. But in all this there is always hope. The master choreographer is in charge of our dance all we have to do is follow and face te music. After this dance there is always the next show:)

A long long journey...

It's really been awhile since I've been here typing my thoughts out. Really hv kept so much hidden frustrations in my head and heart for too long. Frustrations mainly at myself and how time and time again I hv disappointed ppl ard me. Anyway that aside. How have I been doing since i've last written in this place? Really long. Have not been spending solo time with my thoughts and just keeping them hidden and tucked away beneath the carpet.

I believe God has a purpose for everything that happens in my life. Like i've noticed how running away from fears doesn't solve any problem. It just delays the effect and deepens the wounds. This past 5 days in solitude taught me about burdens. Taught me that we hv to do our part and not give up. Even when it seems so tough there is always an angel sent by HIm( let me clarify, angel meaning it could be friends family who will catch u but of course I believe He does send His angels to watch over us) who will remind us and of course the Comforter who leads us along. This 5 days I had to confront my own fears. 5 mths of running and being helpless and not a word did I say or ask for help. O just let things be the way they are. I never prayed so much this past 5 days. And guess wat the facing of the fear has begun. Although it hurts, it's frustrating but I hv no one else to blame but me. I nv sounded off or told a soul. But i m praying.

Anyway something interesting, I never appreciated quiet time till the last 5 days ESP that one hr in the "forest" reflecting on my life. It may hv been secular in context but I know my God was there loving me. Just as ps 23 says thy rod and staff comforts me. What a breaking of the will this past few days.

Life and spiritual life are one. One affects the other. Our relationships on earth reflect our relationships btw our abba father and indeed I am disappointed in my own actions.. Anyway enough musings. I just hv to place my hope in Him. How much worse can all this get?