Wednesday, November 11, 2009

lost and found...

There are probably many stories like this around. So I decided to just create my own based on the same theme.

A boy was given a pen as a gift. It was a very beautiful pen. The pen even had his name engraved on it. He thanked the person who gave him this pen and he treasured this pen alot. He loved the pen and used it for everything that required writing to be done. It was comfortable to write in. He was so proud of the pen that he would use no other.

One day while leaving his house for school he put his precious pen in his shorts pocket. He walked from his house to the usual spot after the junction to wait for his fren to pick him and send him to school. It was just like any normal day. However little did he knew that little pen slipped out and dropped in a crevice in his friends car. He nv knew he lost it till he needed it. He looked frantically everywhere for it. He even asked his fren to look for it in his car. But it wasn't found.

The boy was sad. He lost a gift. He lost something that can't be made again no matter how he thinks he can replace it. He couldnt handle the lose. But he had hope. He hoped his fren would find it in his car because he knew that was the last place he had it in his shorts. But on knowing his fren didn't have it, he tried retracing his steps from home to tat spot. But to no avail...

But he knew he had to move on. He looked for a pen tat was the same, but there was none. None could replace the pen. None could replace the way it wrote, the comfort it gave. The boy was distraught.

He wondered how his pen felt. Abandoned or in the hands of another user. It was not the first time he lost this pen. It was somewhat the same situation. He put his pen in his pocket and it dropped out. Only that time it didnt drop into some crevice but got hook on his bag and a few days later he found it there.

This time it was different. It was indeed lost. But in his heart he knew it would come back. It probably was in his friend's car, just that his friend did not search at the right places...

He wondered how'd his pen feel...

In the crevice where it's very unlikely to be spotted, lay his beloved pen. How it felt to be abandoned and left there in a crevice full of dust. It was far from the comfort of being held in his users hand. Whose name it carried and was proud to serve as he delivered effortless lines and comfortable writing. What a sorry state....

Days went by. Both the boy and the pen waited. Somehow the boy came to terms with the lose. He had to move on. So one day he went home with his friend and he decided, if I don't find my pen today, I would go on knowing tat it is now in someones hands and may he be blessed with that pen.

So he sat and looked at the crevice he suspected it to be in. There it was. The pen staring at him, the boy looking in astonishment. He was overjoyed at the find. The pen felt the same too. The smile of the boy looking down at it was enough to give it life. The boy reached in and pulled it out. He held it in his hands and the bond was there once again. He missed the feeling, missed the weight. Straightway he put his beloved pen back into his bag and made sure he'll never lose it again.

This story is based on a true story by the way. A small thing like a pen can be so dispensible. But if it were somethin so precious its another story. I lost a pen last wk and I reli felt bad losing it. But somehow in my mind i knew it was there. I knew i would get it back. But slowly hope dissipated and then today i gave tat held on to that hope and looked. There it was. My beloved pen.

It sucks to lose something...it sucks reli. And ya this past few days i'm reli just counting away...a part of me just wants to forget everything and go. but another just wanna hope and trust....oh wells....once lost but now am found...where do we go from here?

Thursday, October 29, 2009

fade...,

"I am a flower quickly fading, here today and gone tomorrow, a wave tossed in the ocean, a vapour in the wind"

As I type this words, there is a brother out there lying in a hospital bed barely breathing barely moving. For the past few days his life depended on machines and today, the doctors decided to plug it out and right now there are some who are there to see him.

For days I have been pondering, my mom praying for a miracle as well as others as they wait upon the Lord. Now as I type I am prayin that if it is your will then Lord let it be because we know you are in control. And this past few days I've come across this passage and only decided to look on it now...

Psalm 121
[1] I will lift up mine eyes unto the hills, from whence cometh my help.
[2] My help cometh from the LORD, which made heaven and earth.
[3] He will not suffer thy foot to be moved: he that keepeth thee will not slumber.
[4] Behold, he that keepeth Israel shall neither slumber nor sleep.
[5] The LORD is thy keeper: the LORD is thy shade upon thy right hand.
[6] The sun shall not smite thee by day, nor the moon by night.
[7] The LORD shall preserve thee from all evil: he shall preserve thy soul.
[8] The LORD shall preserve thy going out and thy coming in from this time forth, and even for evermore.

I pray for you dear brother that indeed the Lord is your keeper, your shade and even if He takes you away you are indeed in a better place He shall preserve thy soul.... I shall remember your laughter and your constant exhortation of brotherly love and fellowship...God be merciful to His love ones. Cover them in your blood and protect them and strengthen them. Show that you are real

As I reflect on this event, it brings me back to earth to realise how fragile life is. How in an instant our lives can end. How in an instant life can be taken away. Just look around us? So much sufferings and disaster. Here in Singapore we are so privellege that we are blind that our life hangs in a balance. Science may have discovered ways to prolong our lives ....Wellness companies may produce good products that give us good health but neither science nor wellness can prevent us from dying or keeping us alive forever

So wat does this imply on us who still are alive? Do we live life just as frivolously? Both righteous and unrighteous are not spared by death(remembering how the typhoon struck philippines and how both whether you are a beggar all the way to an executive were not spared)....But we who have the gift of life in death we rejoice for we will see Him who is on the throne....Then those still waiting, still running, have not the signs been clear? Then us who still remain do we keep this gift to ourselves and wait for next time?

We can keep asking many questions, but Lord you give and you take away....we are mere creatures in your hands. It is your will. While we yet breath it's just amazing Lord how you keep your promises.

this is what I was struggling with...then again Lord it's your will be done here on earth as it is in heaven. I just pray for those who are left behind to be strong. This feeling is something I've felt not too long ago... :) but Lord to us who are still here use us...use this opportunity to bring a community together and let your Love reign.

I could have gone down today...yet if I didn't I wouldn't have spent this time writing and praying... Lord comfort them the family the children I know you will make a way....
Job 1:21 [21] And said, Naked came I out of my mother's womb, and naked shall I return thither: the LORD gave, and the LORD hath taken away; blessed be the name of the LORD.
Blessed be the name of the lord

Friday, September 18, 2009

love covereth all sin...

Triggers. Interesting word psychologists develop. But seriously i was triggered. Boy did it generate a world of reaction. I bet ya I could rattle a whole lot of things to say about the thing that triggered me. But ya as I ranted on and on I realised that what's the point? What did the person do to me to actually deserve such a bombardment and actually stir up hatred? A person I have forgiven and at the instance it was as if that person has thrown the biggest insult at me. I could go on. I could. But honestly who suffers? The person won't but would carry on with his or her life and here I am feeling all grumpy and snappy. What a trade off huh?

Then it struck me. God, that is something I hv to work on. I've not shown love. I've not shown care and compassion. I even did the greatest thing as saying I couldn't care less about that person. Let it be was my attitude. But it shouldn't be. No amount of ranting, no amount of snappiness can change anything. The die is cast. It's done. And wat can I do about it? I feel ashamed admitting this. And honestly I do. It takes me a long time to forget, that's why it was triggered. But yea I need to work on this. I was reminded of Prov 10:12 "Hate stirreth up strifes: but love coverreth all sins."

Love. What a lesson on love. Its true I have the right to be upset even if it's indirect or not direct at all. God had every right to condemn us....we disobeyed Him. Yet what did He do? Love. It's really love. I really need to know how to love till it hurts. I admit I haven really shown love to this person by really uplifting this person in prayer. Nor have I done anything to really show that I care. I go with a spirit of hatred rather than of love....forgive me Lord. So this is one thing I'm gonna work on. LOVE. That covers all sin. So next time I remember this person I will pray for this person rather than just curse the person and rant about what I can't do but only God can.

The reason why we run is because we fear being found out. We love the way we live, our comfort zones determine our actions. When we feel threatened we'll find a scape goat and crucify that person and pin all the blame on that person. We do it all the time. We try to wiggle our way out of tight corners in hope to live another day. But little did we know the truth will find us out because truth sooner or later cannot be contained. But thank God for trials like this that when we look back we'll just realise how foolish we were. That we were once lost in our hopeless state. That our life centered on our own self-centered goals. It wasn't about you Jesus. Neither was it about the WORD. Everything was about me. But I pray that the journey some are taking would lead up to you. Teach me once more to trust in you and not to give up on anyone because I've just done it again. I have to eat back everything I've said. And indeed I am ashamed. You are sovereign and you have a hand in everyone's life. So I pray that I will pray for this person and pray that I forgive that person and at the mention of the persons deeds I will be moved with compassion and fall on my knees and intercede for that person and pray you'll protect that person from harm. Give me a heart.

Remind me of this verse Prov 10:12 "Hatred stirreth up strifes: but love covereth all sins." Even if the other person committed an offense so grievous. Honestly today wasn't that great a testimony. Gee even in sch we'll surely feel the coldness. But ya thank God for my class. I realised that ppl need the lord indeed. I'm writting down one name and I'm gonna pray I reach out to him. Thank God for tonight. What a slap on the face really.... God loved despite of...so should I love despite of. It's difficult manz but if christ who was man can why can't I? Not by my might or strenght but by his spirit. LOVE...

Saturday, August 08, 2009

another scoop of ice-cream please...

This post has been stagnating here. I've not been able to blog as this title has been stuck in my head for quite sometime. Let me explain.

The moment I saw this line, it kinda hit me. Ice-cream. Who doesn't crave for ice-cream. I think out of the whole population of the world I think not many people would say no to an ice-cream. I'm just basing this on just pure personal deduction. To put it straight ice-cream is something good. An indulgence and a luxury. One that we enjoy!

So how does this relate to all the jumbled thoughts in my head? I guess through looking at my life currently, I'm just dependending on scoops of ice-cream from God. Why do I say so? If we look at ice-cream as food it's usually served as dessert. And the after effects of the ice-cream is a temporary sugar rush. How does this reflect? Well in living my life I'm just looking for the tip of the ice-berg looking at the icing on the cake before realising that in getting there one must eat appetisers, soup and the main course. Chomping down your protein and vegetables to ensure a balanced intake of nutrients for your body's needs. I don't know anyone who can survive on a diet of ice-cream? Maybe a few days but in the long run it's not really good. Imagine one would be suffering from stomach upsets, malnutrition, diabetes, toothdecay and obesity.

So why title my post another scoop of ice-cream? I guess it's because one scoop is never enough. And we forget that ice-cream isn't the only thing in the meal right?

SO away from the general preambling.... where am I now? what's going on? so many questions yet not much answers. Too many things to pray for yet unable to find someone to pray with. But it's probably excuses that I've been neglecting my meals and just asking for more ice-cream! Because it's just too easy to eat. Ignore the vegetables and the meat. Even if the vegetable is bitter gourd(my not so favourite vegetable) most of us would pass and skip to dessert or may not even finish our meal and skip to dessert. It's sweet nice and gives us a good feeling.

Is this how it should be? Pick and choose what we eat? Follow because it's what we've been doing all this while. Change for the sake of it? Give in because they want it? Popularity. Hai. It's a crazy world we live in. And daily we are given opportunities to eat our meals proper. BUt there's nothing wrong in asking for more ice-cream. And when you don't get it, it probably means you've not finished with your meals yet?

I guess I gotta be honest with myself. Priorities need to be straigtened out. I'm now a student. I've gotta be studious. I gotta carry on even if it seems like everything's out of hand. I've tasted failure before and I don't wanna taste it again. But Lord you know what's best. And I've not been at my best. Fill me up. Lift me up.

I can't keep asking for more ice-cream if i keep skipping my meals. So I gotta get back. But slowly. Let's stop with the ice-cream and get back to real food. Food that's good for the soul which can only be found in the Word. Whether it's sweet, bitter, salty or spicy, we just eat because we know and we trust that it's good for us. I need your discipline Lord. FInding solace to be quiet with Abba father. How you withdrew from the crowd to be alone praying. And the joy of pouring out love. Pray for me. Let's get back to the table. It just reminds me of psalm 23...the table's lade out. LEt's not skip appetiser and go straight to dessert


Tuesday, August 04, 2009

why?

why is it that only when we realise that our lives are on the line than we start thinking of eternity? we start thinking of the little things that we've put aside. Why is it that we suddenly find out that all that we've been doing is not really worth the time on earth when at the end of it you can't take it with you? Why only when we are confronted with our true situation then we begin to think why do we do what we do...Do we have to wait till then?

silly. silly people we are. lost in our own lives thinking we are ever in control. living today as if the sun will rise again. using our own intuitions, gut feelings, and assessments to walk this life. but to what gain?

today I just wanna write a reflection to those who're facing difficulties and are thinking of giving up.

To be honest, may,june and july of this year are the three months where I'd say I could have thrown in the towel. In what context you mean? I was really down and out, discouraged and hurt to say the least. I felt that I couldn't handle everything thrown at me and felt that there was not a soul who supported me. It was a drag to be honest. A drag. Even to say how lonely it felt to just cover up the feelings inside. To pretend all was fine when in fact it was not.

I ran away one day. Because I din wanna face the fact that I needed help. Aimlessly walking, wondering. Spending time alone thinking why is it so painful living this life? I was pleading for my life to just end there and then. But somehow it didn't. Probably that was what God wanted me. For it was there where my faith was tested. Where my tired legs collapsed. And i acknowledged i can't run anymore. All those years of having Him lead my life every step of the way. Having Him bless my path. SInce the day I said I want you to lead, you promised and here was I cursing my current state. So much for faith and trust and hope...

God's merciful. And I know that I've not been honest with myself this past few months. That I've not really been a good worker. But know wat? He didn't leave me to just sit there collapsed. He personally picked me up and renewed my strength, the moment I acknowledged it he restored me then and there. Sent "angels" to minister to me. Then I finally saw that I"m not yet the finished product. God's still working his ways in me slowly. Grafting in His words into my life. Washing my stained heart. He has never left. He will never leave. He has broken the bonds that I"m so ashamed. He has set me free. I am free. And I know He allowed circumstances to occur.

SO armed with this what do I do? Do I carry on just like the way I was. God forbid. It's a constant battle. The sins that remain You'll help me fight it because sin doesnt reign here. God I pray you work in others as you've worked in me. Let them see the bonds they are in. That only you can set them free...ONly you can strengthen them. LIke i was the past 3months. Giving up seemed so easy. But God you're the one who reminds, what a test oh Lord. What a trial. ANd I thank you Lord that I know I can face trials with you by my side...

Face it. Know it. Want it. Do it. Hold fast to it. TO His Word.

Saturday, July 25, 2009

where do I begin...

To be honest, I have no idea where to start. Been a real long while since I've been here. Silly. What have I been so busy on that I forget to sit down and be still for once...

Just a quick summary, this past 2months have been crazy.... one month in the asian youth games and at the same time busy with NextStaje...and of course the calling...

Again through this period of busyness God's been good. Well I was honestly immature and my spirit was questionable, but God's really been merciful.

Today harmony came back to my soul. Its as if I was holding my breath under water and now I have reached the top with air filling my strained lungs. It was indeed a trial and a lesson. One where we can only grow stronger rather than weaker.

Wells I pray that the mistakes won't happen again. Today I gained the trust of a sister and understood her. Yet I feel there is still someone I need to speak to or my conscience won't rest.

Still I feel uncomfortable.

Pray today He'll lead the way. I really need to get this off...

Tuesday, June 09, 2009

ahem ahem

been about a month since I've written here. Many things have happened since then and many realisations as well. Looking back I never regretted allowing you into my life. Till today you still hold your promise of ps32:8....
Now before I continue just would like to note that 3 of my dear friends are happily married! Thank God that I was able to attend one and was truly blessed and amazed at God's work. How God meticulously(and I say meticulously) places 2 people to become one for His glory. What an amazing description of 2 believers coming together. For His glory. And yea of course while i was sitting there hiding tears I was thinking of my other friend 300km away as nervous as always but I know he enjoyed it.
God's plan is indeed perfect. We can't deny it. And nothing more beautiful than having him in control of a relationship. With God we know we are accountable to whatever actions we do. With God we know the source of blessing and love comes from. With God we know He has us in His mind always. What a thought actually what a truth right?
Wells I wished I had known that when I was searching for intimacy in people. From friends, and eventually girlfriends. I kept trying to find this love in them. I was selfish and foolish. That at the end of it, the love I was seeking turned to pain, hurt and disappointment. I don't deny that there were sweet moments, but after thinking about it deeply, it was just a shade of the love I would find. Because of the pain, hurt and disappointment we become cynical(at least that's wat happened to me) and doubtful of this idea of love.
Anyway whats the big deal about love anyway? Actually it is quite a big deal. Our attitude to one another actually shows the love that is in us. That my faith is actually based on love. And the very fact if my actions don't show it, it means I m not of the faith.
1 John 4:7
Beloved, let us love one another: for love is of God; and every one that loveth is born of God, and knoweth God.
What are some actions that contradict?
I guess for me what i say i don't do. Or if we know a brother or a sister isn't doing what is right we tell others about it but don't go straight to him or her. Sometimes I wonder what are our motivations in correcting ppl. Do we do it out of love or neccessity? If it's neccessity so ppl will think like you or follow the standards you set for yourself then I guess you are just like a pharisee. Jesus didn't come to the world because of necessity. It was because God the father loved the world(john 3:16) that he came down. He loved the sinner hated sin. If God didn't hate sin, there wouldn't be love for the lost. Yet He came down is the truth I want to say. We must forsake position, knowledge and wisdom to win the people whom we love. Is it so difficult? Yes. But with christ, it's easy because we have the power and motivation to do so. (Phil 4:13)
I am still putting my hope in Him that I can be more like Him. This past few weeks have been a tempest. Where work overwhelmed my spirituality. Now as I enter calm waters I recall that it was you who was guiding this life to experience the difficulities this life would give.
Building relationships take time. Discipling someone takes time. Loving someone without any condition takes time. Healing the pain of broken relationships takes time. But whatever it is, it is done in His eyes. It's just for us to have faith that He will grant us grace to continue growing in grace.
Just a thought, to those seeking for love out there, there is no greater love than this, that a man would lay down His life for his friends. I only know of such a one. If the person you love on this earth is willing to do that, you are blessed but most of the time love that we can only express is selfish. I am a testimony of that love. You may deny it but the love is temporal, the love that this person gave is eternal. The love of this earth is till death do you part, the love of Jesus is from now and forevermore. Amen.
To those who have not been scarred by the pain of broken relationships you are blessed because you would be a blessing to those who have. You give hope. Thank God for it and cherish this blessing. And if you are in a relationship keep God in the center of it because He is ur assurance, your first, your true lover of your soul. Focus on those around not just on one then you'll know the endless source of love from above.

Wednesday, April 08, 2009

misunderstood passion

this post actually brings me back to LCDC 2008. I remember the voice that whispered in my ears, "What if ppl misunderstand your passion? What if people don't wanna hear about the passion of knowing christ through you?" Wells not reli quoted properly, its been a long time since that experience happened.

But somehow I was spending time in thought and was thinking of people in the bible who were misunderstood and this name came out to me. Stephen. We know him as the first martyr in the bible. I was briefly searching and reading on this man and realised He is a man qualified, full of zeal and passion to serve. This can be found in acts 6 on how the apostles appointed deacons to oversee some matters of the work. A description of Stephen Acts 6:8 "And Stephen, full of faith and power, did great wonders and miracles among the people." What an amazing description of such a passionate person. But later down in the same chapter we see ppl (Acts6:9-10) who couldn't quite able to "resist the wisdom and the spirit which he spake". And as I read on, I realise how this irritation so as to say actually led to dispute and a heated long accusation towards such a zealous man. But I like the account recorded in verse 15 of the same chapter:

"And all that sat in the council, looking stedfastly on him, saw his face as it had been the face of an angel."

What a description. I am wondering what does it mean to have an angelic face? But according to a commentary, it was a spirit of calmness. What a response to such accusations and heated argument. I wonder if I can ever do that. Imagine how great his relationship with God was that the spirit showed forth from his being. Amazing.

Then in Chapter 7 we have his account, his sermon that cut deep to the hearts of the people in the council that they dragged him out of the city and stoned him. But look at how in the 60th verse of the chapter, when he was stoned, He cried out to the Lord and prayed for a prayer on behalf of those stoning Him. How amazing. Ok i've mentioned this so many times amazing. But truly, what an account in the bible telling of a person who's passion was misunderstood not becoz of anythin he did, but because of the God who used Him. Because as we notice its the God who was filled him.

Now how do we relate to this passage? One thing for sure is that in service we can never please everyone. Especially in teaching the word. The word is powerful and is like a double edged sword that cuts straight to the heart. Now the reaction of the people is a result of their defiance to the truth that it reveals. Though they could have just accepted the truth and believed but as their hearts were hardened they felt more offended then blessed. Now sounds familiar doesnt it? And to us serving do we feel discouraged and just get frustrated and just go all out and just blame everything? I m just amazed at stephen's reaction. He was calm and the opposition didn't stop him from doing what he was called to do. He ended teaching, and speaking the truth. So he didn't compromise but stayed true to what God has called him to do and stayed true to his convictions based on his amazing relationship with God. What an amazing man...

Which brings me back to Phil 3:10

"That I may know Him, and the power of His resurrection, and the fellowship of His sufferings; being made conformable unto His death."

A direct example of a person who knew christ. Who was passionate for the word. Passionate of the truth and everyone didn't see him but saw God's power. Can we be like a stephen? ITs abit extreme don't u think? But if we look at the verse, to know Him means we have power, we will suffer to the point of death....Are we willing to stand up? And get serious about our business or are we going to just let it go just like that? And can we when faced with opposition or even death, glorify our Lord? God is amazing that he allows this story to be made known. That sometimes we may end up losing our lives for the sake of the word. It strikes my heart. It begs me to ask, do ppl see God in the work I do. Or do they see me? If my life and my ministry were to be written down, how would they describe me? What words would it say? would it be a glorifyin account or an example of those who have fallen away from the faith and are hypocrites?

I thank GOd for this story. As I examine my own life, I understand my passion can be misunderstood, but I pray that the Lord be magnified in my life not me. Less of me. For if ppl see me more than you I pray Lord purge this vessel for your use and guide me and let your Word be your word...Forgive me for the lack of love in my life and bring me back to your feet...How we must examine ourselves daily in the light of your word. I'm no stephen, I've been very rash, forgetting that you came down for the people, you built the relationship. Teach me how to be just like you in your teaching. I know rejection will come and people will misunderstand my passion for your word. I am no stephen. But u have reminded me that there is no compromise in the word. And there is no shortcut. I pray u forgive me for my inability and forgive those who are hurting or discouraged because of me...I thank you for how u still hold ur promise of Ps32:8...That u are indeed directing my paths and instructing me...Teach me how to mend relationships and love your ppl and feed your sheep. Search my heart and you be my word, you be my Lord, teach me to pray like you did...I just want to love thee and please you. ANd i know it may ruboff some ppl as being self righteous but Lord my refuge shield and strength have thine own way and let your word speak.

A passion for Thee....
Oh Lord Set a fire in my soul
and a thirst for my God
Be thou my prayer, Lord, thy power impart
Not just to serve
But to love Thee with all of my heart


A Passion for Thee - The Wilds Music

Wednesday, April 01, 2009

The Joshua effect..

Reading Joshua 2. First verse, Joshua sends out men to spy the Land of Jericho. Now unlike the way Moses sent his spies, Joshua selected 2 close and trustworthy men to go secretly into Jericho and face the peril of getting caught and not returning back.

Now How I came to that was that, there has to be a level of trust that he can place on this 2 spies and this spies aren't any ordinary ppl, but who'd take orders and risk their lives and only answer to Joshua.

I just wanna think upon the Joshua effect. He knew he couldn't do this alone. Though He had God on His side, He needed the people to be on His. And being a leader he also had his own set of loyal men whom he could depend on and fulfill the task. I'm not sure what qualifications Joshua had for his loyal men but God gave Him ppl whom he could use not for his own sake but to fulfill the promise God has made to Him...

And fulfil the promise He did. By His hand he led them to Rahab the harlot's house where she protected them from harm and sent them away and even through their meeting she gained the knowledge of salvation on the day of the siege of Jericho....

Now I'm wondering, what does this mean to me? How am I using the people God has given me? Are they loyal or willing to risk anything for the Lord? Are they willing to sacrifice their time to make time preparation for battle? I ask myself am I loyal to my Lord?

WE fail but thank God for His grace that through His word we gain a little bit more of the vast knowledge that can give us life... read the RPG as well and realised woah wat a link between Phil3:10 and the Joy worksheet for this sunday. PS1....A person who delights in the Law is like a tree by the river... A big tree rooted, grounded...Just as JOshua 1:8 speaks...

Help me to mend this relationships, and to not let my emotions run again. I want to be just like Joshua and to honor the Loyalty that those under me have given and to thank God for every remembrance of them.

Tuesday, March 31, 2009

everyone wants a hero

Been watching the ultraman mebius series silly right? The things I'm filling my mind where in fact I should be doin whats right. This is my second attempt in writing about this "hero".

What attracts me to this story I guess was kindled by the fact we all wish to have someone big and powerful to fight our battles in lives. Whenever there is a monster that is destroying our world, we fight with all our might then when we've exhausted all we can give there is this hero that would step in and continue the fight for us.

Here's an observation, only a select group are equipped to face the monsters in battle. Even in the face of the toughest battles, they will always do their best to their ability to win and not depend on the Hero to appear because in all episodes the Hero's timing is perfect.

Also every character uses their strengths to the best of their ability. Together with their friendship and their perseverance the monster has a hard time fulfilling its master plan of destroyin the Earth.

And the Hero recognising the feelings of the people he is protecting, adapts and is affected by the incidents of the group that is fighting to protect the earth. Likewise him and the band of guys form a bond that not only strengthens the hero but the belief of the people who are fighting on.

OK I didn't mean to analyse it in that sense but there has to be a lesson somewhere around here? What can we draw out from here? See any paralells?

Ultraman teaches values of friendship, hope and perseverance? It does. It even highlights the importance of the reason why you are called to do what you're suppose to do. The belief and trust in one anothers abilities to prevail against the enemy. And ultraman as the defender and ultimate protecter of earth shows that if u stick to it someone would appear and help u.

Wells I don't intend to use this as an object lesson in life. But rather I'd like to contrast somethings.

I have a hero. And I don't have to call him out everytime to fight my battles when I've reached my limit. He has already won the battle and is always beside me every step of the way. My hero doesn't have a time limit of 3minutes before he gets affected by the earth's atmosphere, He is always present and is above anything that is on the Earth because He created it. Furthermore my hero isn't bound to the limitations of His power, because He is all powerful. And He doesn't dwell in one person but dwells in His chosen people.(note the plural)

So I wonder who's fighting your battles? Or are you still fighting when everything is already done? Ultraman will keep fighting. But for me I'm gonna be resting on what has been done because the fights already won. THough it seems the ultraman can resurrect many times, but what benefit does tat give them when they are still subject to the limitations. Whereas Jesus my hero, my saviour, my Lord died once, ressurected once and ascended to heaven once and has always been there and is ruling even though we think evil is prevailing. He may not rule the earth but He rules the many Hearts He has chosen and called and through them they make a more powerful force than any ultraman the world can conjure.

Ok enough of tat....but if ur tired of fighting turn to Him. Because your battles are won already. ANd if you are His chosen He will allow you to.

So will ultraman save the earth? Wells He can in the show I'm watching. BUt I know for sure this hero won't save me from the judgement to come, and come to think of it, I don't think I'd look cool in a red suit, lighted eyes....hehe kidding....

its a weakness I have to admit and deal with. IN doing so I'll let the Lord deal with me as He pleases. I can't expect many to be like me, I can't , I should be more encouraging, less imposing....what ya think?



Ultraman Mebius (Opening Theme) - Project DMM

Monday, March 30, 2009

Despite the drama :)

Spent a moment just now reading through Joshua, at the same time reflecting on the events that have just happened.

God is good! And He indeed is a provider of many things. Today went full steam in my marking, did 80plus worksheets in an hour and now I'm just dreading reading the compositions...but I'm aiming to complete them by tonight.

That aside really just wanna thank the Lord for not dwelling on any of these feelings anymore. But to move on and to just be still. And as I was being still and here came by providence an opportunity to teach and to pass on. Thank God for this opportunities that at such a divine appointment which only God can arrange he brings people to you to aid you. Just thankful.

I read Joshua one and I am just reminded of what the Lord has said, that He will not fail me, He will not forsake me. And If i don't turn from the word my ways will be prosperous and successful. Thank you though I'm still broken you allowed the borkenness to be quenched by the happiness of your providence. So How can I deny your existence? How can I deny and forget your grace and mercy and your marvelous providence and preservation in my life?

Coming back to you and keeping my eyes on you. Setting my priorities right on you. What more can I do? Despite the drama of this life, how else would I live except by choosing to do what is right in your eyes? And what's there to fear? When my walk is blameless for He is a sun and a shield and will not withold any good thing to those who walk uprightly?

There are some things that have to change. Some priorities that need to be laid. But all to please my Lord first. And I'm still thankful for everything.Prove my life by your refining fire!


Be Still, My Soul - RBC Ministries

Sunday, March 29, 2009

it was calculated

not really in a good mood. Cant reli stand myself when I feel this way. Cant believe that church is STRESSFUL. its the martha syndrome.

what was the cause of today's despair? I'm wondering if i should use an analogy or just go straight to the point. today I almost gave up on singing and practically thought of just walking out and not looking back. I was burning, I was not happy. But I will just let it be and just glorify God now for holding me and reminding me.

I wonder why do I hold back when I had every right to just let go. ALthough I did let it out I tried my best to keep it in. I understand the situation and the plight and it was not as if we had other choices. I see where they are coming from but why cant they see where we were coming from? I don't wanna pursue anything and I shall just resign to the situation and say Lord I wont stop doin what you told me but I'll just let u do wat u want to.

Forgive me for these feelings and renew this mind of mine. I am reminded of the actions of the people but I will not hold it against them for they don't see the reason why we do what we do. It was calculated but I didn't see the words coming. Nor did I see these feelings controlling my actions. I will not hold it against them but all I'll do is to be strong.

Discouraged? Yes. Unhappy? Definitely. Need to carry on like this? NO. I thank God for stilling my heart and making me see that just feeling the negative makes the situation worse. It just makes one miserable and they won't see the fulfilment of Rom8:28. Why would I hide, why would I pretend nothing happened? I was wrong, I was told off but I will just ask forgiveness and not hold anything against them. I shall just let it go and let God work. If it means eating some humble pie.

I was not a victim but I was a son being tested by His father. He wants to see that I understand what it means to be like Him. To be conformed to His death and to be part of His sufferings. Thank you Lord for this lesson. For this lesson to see beyond circumstances. But I pray people will see you in all this. That you be glorified not me.Have thine own way, Lord!

Have thine own way, Lord! Have thine own way!
Thou art the potter, I am the clay.
Mold me and make me after thy will,
while I am waiting, yielded and still.

Have thine own way, Lord! Have thine own way!
Search me and try me, Savior today!
Wash me just now, Lord, wash me just now,
as in thy presence humbly I bow.

Have thine own way, Lord! Have thine own way!
Wounded and weary, help me I pray!
Power, all power, surely is thine!
Touch me and heal me, Savior divine!

Have thine own way, Lord! Have thine own way!
Hold o'er my being absolute sway.
Fill with thy Spirit till all shall see
Christ only, always, living in me!

How amazing if everyone can say this with much conviction.


Have Thine Own Way - Our Daily Bread

Sunday, March 22, 2009

break...

lo and behold its the end of the school hols. Decided gonna take a break from my little project of the conversations hahas.

Anyway today's SS on 1cor 6 is very apt. And the here are things that bug my mind:

1. I know my weakness has always been the issue on purity and today the Lord challenged my heart to be pure again. And the first command is FLEE FORNICATION(v18), I was really challenged and I bet the class as well. What does it really mean to flee? Going by extremes it means alot of things. Rather than allowing yourself to struggle why not just chuck it away? BUt chucking it away doesnt solve the matter does it?

2. But why did Paul say flee? He spelt it out in the previous verses that we are members of Christ, our body is the temple of the Holy spirit, our body doesnt belong to us and if God raised up christ and is going to raise us up, we have to be more like him thus the need to be more like him.

3. What are the choices we are making? In verse 12 to put it simply it means that I can do anything but Paul doesnt stop there. He says that yes we can do all things but not all things are profitable and that we should not enslave ourselves to these things. So what about our liberty? For myself I'm thinking of some issues that are bugging my mind. Would my actions stumble anyone just because I can do it and because its something simple would it cause harm to my brother?

4. WE must be guided by love and we must not impose our rights on others. So that means if I can drink, watch a particular show or club because to me I noe how to handle myself there but to others what would they think of you? People are always waiting to see our faults because we wear His blood on us. In the religion column we openly admit and are subjected to their scrutiny so knowing all this should I do it?

5. But that's to non-christians, what about our own brethren who are not as seasoned as you or may be weak in the faith? DO we just do as we like without thinking of them?

Anyway enough of tat, I suppose God gives us the freedom but also gave us principles on how to conduct ourselves. And likewise he has given us the access to His wisdom that will change our mind and heart and He has given us the power to live it. So its not just a matter of chucking things away, its consistency in mind and action and constant communion and walking with our Lord. If He is really Lord in your life, you would not hesitate to be just like samuel and say speak Lord for thy servant hears.

I guess I am pretty incoherent but yea I guess somethings are happening too fast. Teach me thy way of knowing what it means to wait. Forgive me for my inconsistencies for I know without you I don't have the power to conquer.

You have conquered death what more this little thing in our lives. You know what's best for us Lord.

You know this bitter heart of mine,

You know the pain I've felt,

Teach me to forgive and to accept just like you did to me

And I thank You for allowing me this liberty to choose what is right and pleasing in your eyes!


How Deep the Fathers Love for Us - Fernando Ortega

Friday, March 20, 2009

converstions with the conscience (CONT'd)

Have you ever had that feeling where you come to a particular place you just feel awkward? I don't know how do I explain it but i'll try to over here.

It's so funny how I ended up in that place to begin with. I only went there during the weekends and it was just normal. Stop for gas, eat at the diner. But then one day I went to this shop. It sold interesting things. It was as if this shop knew what I was interested in. It even could read what I was feeling on that day. So that's how it began. My relationship with this little shop at this particular place.

So one day I was browsing at their book section. And I picked up this book and began to read it. So it began with a questionaire with deep searching questions. So in my mind I answered them. So from the shop, I began to be infatuated with the book. Every I tried to find my way to that shop and find that particular book. IT was as if the book knew me, but then things turned getting out of hand. I just could not understand why this book started to have a mind of its own. Why was the book tryin to dig deep into my life?

It was scary. Somehow the book had a hold on me. Even after I stopped visiting the store and picking up the book. The pages seemed to bug me and words from that book kept coming back. So I screamed and I cried and just ignored the voices coming from it. It was fun, but I've had enough and the book really freaked me out. Get away.

Then I never heard from the book again....

So do I ever come back to that place? I guess never. It's just uncomfortable and haunting. My experience with that book was just a part of it. Maybe I'm just too ashamed to admit that I actually liked and enjoyed that book. But oh wells, only a few people will ever know like the next story I'll tell you....

Day and night I've been waiting for you but somehow I'm allowing you to do what you like, but heed this warning:

You will never experience the blessing of me smiling at you. Nor will you ever sense my presence in your life. You have rejected the warnings of your friends. Rejected the wisdom of your parents. You have chosen your path and that path leads only to destruction.

You know this yet you continue to run away from the truth. You enjoy it and are too proud to admit your folly. Everything is temporal in this earth. So shall be your happiness. You will be miserable and despised and forever this shall be your curse.

So I floated around and tada I'm in an island. Believe it or not it has everything! Shopping, spas, tanning saloons, a pool and of course the beach. It even has a banana boat ride and water skiing. So exciting! Ah what a holiday....

Wednesday, March 18, 2009

conversations with the conscience...

Was just burdened to think of this story....Was pondering upon the verse in 1 Thessalonians 5:19 "Quench not the spirit" Was recollecting and reflecting on my life currently and basing it on events in my life previously. Ok will start the conversations. Not sure how long will it be.

I DON'T CARE WHAT YOU SAY TO ME! Been too long. Been too naggy. YOU ARE A PAIN! Every time I do this you will always caution me, you will always stir back memories.

WHY WONT YOU JUST LEAVE ME ALONE! LET ME BE!

Sometimes when people see me, they have this expectation. This expectation that I"m suppose to behave in a proper way. Suppose to do all the right things. Suppose to have the right friends. BUT LOOK, I just made some wrong choices ok. ANd you don't have to stand there and wag your finger at me! I know what you are driving at. I love being in this mess. Far better than the so called "holy-holy" stuff you tend to remind me about. Its so much easier enjoying moments like this then to feel all alone again and bored out by what this pathetic life offers.

You are of no help. Your words go past me. Every time your word goes out, I feel the pinch but that's all there is to it. Just a pinch. I'll rub some ointment and I'm back up again and ready to embrace the "Monstrosity" you describe. You are no different than me. You can't change my mind anymore. I've grown out of you. TOO LONG HAVE I WASTED MY LIFE BECAUSE OF YOU! TOO LONG HAVE I KEPT YOUR VOICE RINGING IN MY HEAD. BE GONE AND SEVER YOURSELF FROM ME.

I don't need you anymore.

It saddens me to see you in this state. I've watched you grow from the day you were conceived. I've seen your ups and downs. From your first footsteps to your first bruise. I've always been watching and waiting for you.

For many years I've waited at your door. I tried my best through your closed heart to whisper my word hoping you'd hear my voice, I even prayed that ABBA FATHER would break down that pride. And yet your heart remained guarded, ignoring my voice, my wisdom, my guidance.

And so this went on till at last I cried, I broke down that door that stood at the entrance of your heart. And there I saw you cowering in your shame, I held u up and clothed you in my blood that was shed for you and embraced you and called you my child. For you admitted your folly for leaving me out of your life. For falling for someone who couldn't love you the way I could only do. To accept all of you your faults, your strengths your fears. I covered you and held you and ABBA FATHER and all His hosts rejoiced.

You were as the deer that panteth for water. Seeking me day and night, longing for my presence. Daily you'd lift up your songs of praise. You were in awe of me. You were amazed by me and you glorified me in all that you did.

But then as life went on, you grew less fond of me. Every time I came you were too busy. And our communions would be lesser as you grew older. Your love for me was divided. Slowly that door I once broke, you rebuilt. Like the walls of jericho you encircled yourself within. You sang less songs for me, you began to put me aside.

Then crisis came. You were fumbling. You were desperate for answers. You were desperate for a sign. But you looked everywhere except at that place I was standing. But you resolved it because I allowed you to. Yet you did not acknowledge the grace that was given you. But you carried on in your pursuit. Because you've lost your first love.

I have never left you. I have always been watching you. Yet now you've placed me far away from you and doused me with your world's philosophy.

Why won't you leave? Why do you keep sending ppl to remind me? To tell me I've made a wrong decision? Cant you see that I am happy? Can't you see that I know what I am doing? I know you are watching out for me. I thank you 3times a day and maybe if I have the time another extra two times per day.

I don't see why you bother. I know where I'm going! I know whom I'm going to see! But why do you frown upon this choice i've made? I am strong enough. I've been able to see through it. I've been able to weather it. What more this? My friends approve and support me. They tell me how happy I look and feel. I am happy.

I've lost my joy in your house. There is nothing but abounding stress and shame. I can't see eye to eye with some ppl anymore. I've been asking you for help, but it seems you only stand there and wait. And still you frown upon me but what wrong have i done? You said to ask anything of you and you will grant me the joy of my heart? I've grown tired of waiting, tired of all this that I've clung on to this island where i've floated to. A haven away from all the harm and shame. But I still love you. But I can't fully love you like before because there is someone I'm more fond of than you. Outside your house what a gem this person is. Unlike those inside who live their "holy-holy's". This person is true, is real, and treats me unlike any other.

I don't reli need you much. But just keep in touch...

So shall leave it at this. The story has just begun....


I Need Thee Every Hour - Fernando Ortega

Saturday, March 14, 2009

thank you lord...

was sitting in prayer on Wednesday and thinking of events that have passed and I suppose that night what struck me was the passing away of A.Dot's father. How God's grace actually works and that He indeed loves those He has chosen. I guess it was compounded with the sharing of Psalms 27 and the singing of Day by Day...

Ps 27:4 "One thing have I desired of the LORD, that will I seek after; that I may dwell in the house of the LORD all the days of my life, to behold the beauty of the LORD, and to enquire in his temple."

Help me to speak this words like the Psalmist...what an amazing desire. How does one speak of that unless He has seen the Lord work through His life...

Anyway God will save in His time. Was just thinking of How the late Mr Tan on his deathbed trusted the Lord will carry Him home. And i was relating this to my brothers at home. I thank God for saving me, but my bros would they wait till on their deathbed to regret all they've done and finally realise God had been at the doors of their hearts? I suppose not just my bros but to many others i know in church who have made bad choices and are living the consequences of it.

Anyway while on the pew that night this prayer was running through my mind...

I thank you for darkness because without it we won't appreciate your light
I thank you for sorrows for without it happiness in you would be our desire
I thank you for moments where we were in sin for without it we won't understand your mercies and what it means to be forgiven
I thank you for bad choices in our lives for without them we would never have seen your grace and the workings of your hand
I thank you for disappointments for without them we'd never understand what it means to keep looking at christ
I thank your for doubts and uncertainties for without them we'd never learn how to trust in the Holy Spirit's leading
I thank you for your silence for in it brings forth the patience to wait upon you Lord
But most of all I thank you for your Salvation for without which we'd never be able to utter praise to you God and creator of everything

At times even when we least expect it, God will give u a song... sometimes the Lord just wants you to let Him worry for you. Let it go to Him. The more I keep looking at others the more frustrated I become. The more I compare others the more irritated I'd be. I'm definitely like Martha who busied herself all day and sad to say I'm not like Mary who chose to stay at His feet.

Day by day with each and passing moment
strength I find to meet my trials here....
Trusting in my father's wise bestowment, I've no cause for worry of for fear....

I just have to let it go...Let Him call and convict while I just keep to my walk and live the talk and to remember that He is sovereign and in control. How easy it is to just be discouraged and just say I give up...but yea thank God for times like this....

Monday, March 09, 2009

update

been awhile since i'm able to sit down here and recollect. Things been passing by so fast that i realise that I can barely keep up or catch my breath. I reli need the discipline. To discipline my life ever more. Work load is piling, pressure from all sides not to mention my own self presurring myself. Oh wells cant wait for the holidays. Finally some quiet and peace. Really need a retreat from all this noise.

So where to? Thinking of just going for a day or so where I'd just sit and quieten myself.

Anyway thank God for how things have turned out, the youth ministry, and how God's given 2 for me to walk with this year. Praying that they'd grow and that our friendship and relationship will be wholesome and God honoring. Joy is gonna start nxt mth, suppose to prepare the over all scope for the year am really taking my time for this. ANd there is amazing race to think abt. then this wk, i've got kids church and sunday sch.....

I wonder, am i doin too many things that i'm just like martha? tat i forget the need to sit at HIs feet like mary?

wells back to the main pt, i'm too spread that i've lost the focus...it seems i cant get back to focus again. Wells praying God be my guide and my protection tat i not forget how good he's been to me so far. And that He has allowed things to happen for His glory and I shd not be lazy but keep laboring and pressing on and worryin wont help me....

oh wells hols looking forward to tat....

Saturday, February 28, 2009

amazed

a few more hrs before i get ready for YF anniversary, still hv not penned down anything yet. But I'd just want to take this time to thank God for the circumstances leading up to this day. Thank God for relationships and for the restoration of friendships.

Sometimes in our passion to follow the Lord, some ppl may just misunderstand. I was listening to a friend abt his work and how the Lord has started something amazing at the place he is right now. I thank God for you brother and thank God for a better understanding of what you are doing.

Anyway in my own journey I'm just thankful for everything, though there are many things that are burdening me, or maybe things I'm putting on myself for no reason but I'm thankful for a reliant God. TO be honest this year its still uncertain what I'm prayin for and working towards. Though I say i wanna learn how to trust the Lord but I suppose what I wanna learn is basically what phil 3:10 says. Maybe this is the year I learn more abt Him, learn of the power of HIs resurrection, the fellowship of His sufferings and to understand what it means to be conformable to His death.

I realised that we are all broken healers...that even in our current state God can still use us for His work. Isn't tat an amazing thing?

Friday, February 20, 2009

who is worthy...

i can only say that in moments like this, nothing is more comforting and refreshing then reading His word. Was somehow reminded again about the msg shared on wed prayer meeting on Ps24 and Ps15 and somehow this thought came to mind: Who is worthy?

Ps15 1 LORD, who shall abide in thy tabernacle? who shall dwell in thy holy hill? 2 He that walketh uprightly, and worketh righteousness, and speaketh the truth in his heart. 3 He that backbiteth not with his tongue, nor doeth evil to his neighbour, nor taketh up a reproach against his neighbour. 4 In whose eyes a vile person is contemned; but he honoureth them that fear the LORD. He that sweareth to his own hurt, and changeth not. 5 He that putteth not out his money to usury, nor taketh reward against the innocent. He that doeth these things shall never be moved.

Ps24: 3 Who shall ascend into the hill of the LORD? or who shall stand in his holy place? 4 He that hath clean hands, and a pure heart; who hath not lifted up his soul unto vanity, nor sworn deceitfully. 5 He shall receive the blessing from the LORD, and righteousness from the God of his salvation. 6 This is the generation of them that seek him, that seek thy face, O Jacob. Selah.

I do not seek to prove a point or anything but to just look at the txt that it's quite clear that a person worthy enough to be in the hill of the Lord and to dwell in Him, is far beyond our finite human intelligence and ability. It is not natural for us to seek Him, neither is it natural for us to admit we are at fault. It is not natural for us to be loving, kind, forgiving, forbearing and when i say this it includes correcting and rebuking because naturally we just don't care about anythin else but ourselves. We are depraved, weak and sinful and wicked by nature and our priorities don't match anythin listed by the psalm.this is who we are...and yet we forget about the God's grace and mercy that He has effectively called us to His fold. But does tat mean that's the end?

As I read this psalm I reflect who is as the psalmist described pure? vainless? or as described in Ps 15:3-5.... None except christ who came fully God and fully man. God coming down to be contained in time. To bring salvation and to restore man's relationship with our Creator. Only He is worthy to be on the throne. So even If i look at my life, my achievements, how far i've come to the knowledge of my God...I'd say I'm not even worthy to speak of Him...not even worthy to be in His service. Not even worthy to be called His child. But I praise Him and thank Him that He did!

Now if i were to focus on my unworthiness and my sins and my inadequacies, I'd say the devil has triumphed even before we have entered the battle. Remember, Jesus has triumphed! He has clothed us in His righteousness that now we are deemed worthy to be called his children. But it doesnt end there. As much as everything is done on the cross we are told to work out our salvation with fear and trembling as said in Phil2. Through trials and testings and the continous study of His word and prayer, we grow, we are reminded, chastised and rebuked and corrected daily on how we ought to live now that we are of the fold....

Now wat abt others? Do I impose the way I live my life on others? Do I subject them to the same standards I live by? What if they are sinning? How do I confront such brethren or deal with such brethren? Yes we have the obligation as those who have the truth and if we have done so yet they heed not correction and still choose the other way? Do we let that affect our focus on Christ?

I recall when Peter, being restored by Jesus, asked about John's fate, He said in John 21: 22 "Jesus saith unto him, If I will that he tarry till I come, what is that to thee? follow thou me."

If their fate is sealed in Hell and we have done our part by sharing with them, what is that to you and me? And if they are still sinning and still choose to sin despite them being warned of the pitfalls, what is that to you and me? Follow Christ. not follow wat u think is right in your eye, follow the worthy one of God and live it.yet I wonder hv we reli done our part? Have we been following faithfully what christ taught us to do? In simplicity, we are to keep His commandments- Let's list one, Children obey your parents...is it easy? Can u say u've kept tat command? Then how much more the rest of the commandments? Because if you can't follow one, its the same as breaking all....

We talk more than we do, we talk more than we love, we talk more than we listen... We always forget our depravity, that we are in need of His strengthening grace....God help us.

Who is worthy? None as much as your Son! I thank you for giving Him freely that I rejoice that as long as christ is preached and the seriousness of sin and the need for a saviour, I rejoice knowing it's not me who is calling the lost because wat can I do about it, but YOU through us. I can never fathom, nor understand why things are of such yet I rejoice for I know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose.(Rom8:28)... I pray we be reflections of you...to be more like you...to know more about you... there is no greater thing...


Amazing Grace - Piano.

Sunday, February 15, 2009

8250th day

funny...i had this gadget on one of homepages, and yea just fancied to write down my date of birth and my expected "last day" on this earth. that is assuming i'd live till my expected last day...

8250 days....(wells nt sure if its accurate considering leap years and such...)

wat a gift to be able to be alive till now!

anyway haven't been updating since the last failed attempt to do so...so wats there to update? wells one thing is for sure, i'm kinda feeling the pressures of actually teaching. Good experience but i realise its more than tat...and i read somewhr that nowadays we're just highly paid nannies...

wells anyway more update, God's reli good. Wells in all circumstances He makes it happen for the best. anyway i know this trying period in school is one thing I gotta get through and pull through. Honestly I feel like a minnow compared to all of my senior teachers. I always ask myself how do they do it? wat is the x-factor they have? sometimes i reli look at myself and wonder whether I'm doin the right things....but thank God for the forgiving staff....for senior teachers and mentors...and somehow my number of periods to sit in lessons hv increased and there are ppl willing to help me out. SO devil get out of my head if u wanna let me look at my insecurities and use it to make me feel so small and insignificant...because God didn't give me a spirit of Fear....

hai...anyways teaching is draining...realised today how drained i was after teachin...reli just felt like bleahx....if i were to kp asking why qns, i'll end up nowhere, but yea i need to pray more...but praise God for this feelings to know that i need Him...

anyway will update more soon...

Tuesday, January 27, 2009

one of those wks

been behind my readings, havent been doin my daily devotions and QTs or even spent time praying, realised tat, it affects everything of me. It affects me lar.

How you wonder?

Wells in matters of thoughts and actions and reactions, and patience and kindness and ya basically everything. Temptations cloud the mind, wats pure ends up not pure, i realised tat there's not a day I can't be without You.

Its like i need fuel everyday, spiritual fuel because i cant reli last on fruits, bread and jam...

Lord just like one of the hymns, I need thee everyhour. Its more like I need thee every single minute, second of my life. So lesson learnt I gotta keep the law close, tied to my neck and to keep focused and keep on pressing on....

anyway just wanna take this time to thank Chris and her fam for having my fam over last sunday and reli thank God for friends and getting to know the Mohans even more. God bless your home and family dear fren!

anyway this wk is gonna be short...still thinking of my parents who are in philippines and gotta pray abt this sat when we finally discuss the year for our church's youth ministry. Not easy especially with everyone's idea of the youth ministry and differing opinions and also oppositions to ideas...but basically the main focus is on God's word more than anything and the preaching of the gospel.

anyway shall stop here...gonna look through lesson plans and come to the throne of grace...

Friday, January 23, 2009

aching heart...

didn't reli wanna waste time and let the feelings sink in less i'll be so hai. Just got news from philippines. not reli good news. wells its bad. my aunt just passed away today. my dad said she had a weak heart and according to my mom she fainted and was in the hospital and yea...maybe it was because of that...

the thought that she visited us last year november, the fact i was looking forward to seeing her come again with her children King and Sam-dear cousins of mine. Now my heart aches at the thought of the two of them not having a mother...and it was only a year or two that they lost their father to a tragic event...

thinking of my cousins as orphans...thinking of them not having parents to be there for them, to keep them from harm and to make them smile and be happy...King's in grade sch and Sam maybe in nursery or kindergarten....How will they take it is my thought? And what's happening next...

Family...its more than just a surname...your kin your flesh and blood. I'm praying as I type that God grant wisdom to my dad and comfort as he has lost his younger sister and has to administer how king and Sam would be taken cared of. Its just a blow. I dunnoe why I feel so sad, but how I long and pray the lord be gracious and merciful on my two young cousins. I Pray that Jesus will take care of them. We know You are sovereign and know each path we take, be with them, protect them and Lord I pray that the families won't do anythin to harm them tat they can grow up and not be stunted by this tragedy...my heart just aches.

how death can remind you, our life is like a vapour, here today and gone tomorrow, tita I miss you already just thinking of you now, those few day's i'll always remember especially when you cooked for us-pansit and adobo and tat crab. I remember when I was three you took me on a ferry trip to cotabato to meet lolo and lola, you cared for me like a mom would do her child.

Lord, here I go again, but my heart goes to the 2 cousins of mine, I know you love them Lord. And for my dad, I know he's going back someway, to see his sister for the last time be his strength Lord. I pray that you'd start a work there. I pray lord don't take their smile away...King and Sam God loves you...and i pray in some way God use me to help you out...

I wish I had your picture tita...while everyone is going to be joyous this long wkend, it just strikes as a reminder of the sorry state we're in that happiness is shortlived in this world as it can be extinguished in an instant, but I thank God that happiness is in You. And I pray ppl do find happiness in you...(gosh i cant stop the tears)....

orphans...how blessed are we who have parents...you may not feel it because its probably somethin u've never thought or experienced, how we take for granted, and here they are with none...it hurts when its someone u r related too. haiz...

i'll be fine...but whatabt them? wat a blow to a nice fri evening as i rejoiced making a breakthrough in class...but in everything we give thanks tat we acknowledge tat He is in control...tat He is God, tat we can praise Him still for the reminder. I know He will make a way for King and Sam...


Here I Go Again - Casting Crowns - Casting Crowns

Sunday, January 18, 2009

prayer..

I recall the final challenge again. Seated blind folded not knowing what to expect. And a voice whispers in my ear and says, "You're so passionate for the word, you have the passion to serve and to teach but what if no one wants to listen or shares that passion of yours?"

Today somehow I was confronted with that situation. As much preparation and questions and games you can plan- it can be the right thing to me but when put in front of them it could just be nonesense. I realise its tough. Ppl say its probably my teaching methods, maybe i dun play enough "interesting" games or I'm just too preachy or maybe plain old boring. Then I hear some say that they prefer other teachers than me because they like their style, but even so if they dun show the fear of the Lord or are not affected by the scriptures or dun even have tat basic interest or motivation to learn more abt God the Father....then wat for if lives aren't change?

I dun intend to put them down, maybe I dun reli understand them enough or maybe I'm just expecting too much from them or don't reli know them enough. 2 wks with them and it seems that I can't break through to them. Maybe this is wat I hv to admit. I can't do anything. All I can do is to sow the word as faithfully as possible and leave the change to God. Leave the growing and the convicting to the Holy spirit. I can't expect them to know the things I know because they don't know. I can't expect them to rise to my level because I know they are still growing. I see potential, I see a group of ppl whom the Lord can use for His glory. I can't blame them for their disuprtions and noise making because that is who they are. Interest can only be kindled by God. It is God who changes not me....

My role is just to be tat vessel, to remember that He is the vine and I'm just a branch and this 18 days of the new year is just another period of prunning so that I can grow in His grace and to show forth His glory in my life. I always marvel at my Dad's perseverance. My dad's never ending desire to accept ppl for who they are and teach despite ppl's hearts not tuned in to what the lesson is abt. I admire at the thought of Stephen preaching and even when the crowd threw him out and stoned him he prayed that GOd not charge them for this sin. I admire Paul who despite his reputation chose to defend the cross and to proclaim to live is christ and die is gain. I marvel at this ppl of faith and I wonder, God what is their secret? How do they still see hope in the light of all this trouble?

1 Tim 1:1...Jesus. He is the hope...

i think i'm not prayin enough. like many say if the word is food for the soul then praying is like breathing...just like in a relationship, sms's and emails cannot compare to a conversation on the phone or meeting face to face...i believe I know wat i need from God. Even as i think abt Jesus and His disciples, I bet he knew their weaknesses and He didn't get frustrated unlike me. But He turned this realisation to a teaching point for His disciples...And even if they were who they were He continued to teach them and not give up on them, He is a restorer of ppl...I think of Simon Peter when Jesus ask Him thrice Do you love me? to assure Him that God accepts who He is and is charging Him with the task at hand...Praise God for restoring our souls.

sometimes i feel i need to convince them, but then again i am reminded its not abt me...its not abt me...I shan't be puffed up, I shall just be faithful to who I believe. All this frustrations are just the devils way of psychoing me that I m inadequate and useless. Jeremaiah just came to mind. He had a tougher time, prophesying to a generation of ppl who will not listen yet God said carry on to prophesy and warn them of the judgement. He cried, He prophesy and yet He did wat he was called to...

So if I'm put into this I hv to stay true to the calling and stir up the gift and desire God has placed in me. So despite all this difficulty I still praise you Lord. For I know its all abt you. Lesser of me more of you. You take control, you humbled me, and you are reminding me that I'm just ur vessel, your tool to do as you wish to your ppl. You are my help, my guide, my might and strength. I pray u teach me not to fear, but to be strong and of good courage. I know you are with me all the way and ur word would not return void. I pray for my kids and lift them up to you tat u be real to them. But I've learnt through them that there is more to learn abt you...

i'm always reminded again tat its not by might nor by power...I hv to trust you even more...Be my might and power Lord. You increase and I decrease...

and i thank you Lord for this lesson and u always bring me back to this song...and to the word...that ultimately its all abt you.



Its Not By Might - Psalty

Thursday, January 15, 2009

worries? or unnecessary thoughts...

I don't know whats with me, anyway yesterdays prayer meeting, thank God for aunty lilian's prayer. In my heart I really felt strengthened and reminded and Loved by a God so big and holy, that He can use the words of someone else prayer to remind you and comfort you and encourage you that I am the Lord your God.

I've been spending the last few days reading the book of genesis. Especially the story of abraham, Isaac and Jacob. I was just thinking, never in the story has God left these men of faith alone! God always took the initiative to tell His ppl, I am the Lord your God. And it just reminds me of the act of grace God did for us by sending His son. Praise God for His mercies that endure forever.

Been awhile since I've had time to sit here and consolidate things in my head, wells firstly I guess I've realised how immature I reli am in one aspect of my life. And I realised that there is this depravity in me that I pray God will deal with me as He pleases. As I feel its bordering between delight and obsession. And I recall it was one of the things under the category of relationships. I suppose I need the great physician to deal what He deems right.

Also I'm thinking what am I gonna say to the cyf this saturday for their anniversary, it may seem easy to just pick any favourite verse and give it to them, and I was thinking any one could, but I just want to encourage them and challenge them? God be my wisdom in this as I think I know what to say but yet I'm not sure if I should say it.

Another thing is I have to learn how to do things quickly and really have tricks on my sleeve, dealing with younglings is a joy as well as a frustration. If I had it my way I'd be just screaming and shouting but still I know as much as God's word needs to be sown I let God do the changing and let God just use me in whatever role He deems best.

I'm pretty much miss my ex-co in my youth group, wells last Sunday I MISS them as we didn't have that sunday school time we enjoy but I pray the Lord Keep us close and the Lord show himself real to them. And I suppose I shouldnt use excuses but just drop em a msg and say HI. I realise its that same thing that actually Hinders me from God being able to use all of me. I pray ur journey with the Lord this year is really good and its not somethin we should separate as church is one thing my life another, your life is just one and the boundaries are spelt out in the bible....oh wells just abit of frustration but I thank God for grace to abound as I learn to accept, to love and to appreciate others for who they really are.

I really don't noe what to ask the Lord this year, it seems like alot of things, but this one thing kinda came to mind while typing, to be whole in Him. I was wondering after yesterday's prayer, the psalmist when He wrote Ps19, they had only the bk of the law, yet they can rejoice, and How it can convert one's soul from sadness into rejoicing. It was only the bks moses wrote(to us its just mundane if we look at numbers, leviticus and Deuteronomy) but ok I myself have not really read it all but I see alot of God taking the initiative there. Who would spell out a way of life for an entire nation? Who would bother to teach slaves how to be conquerors of lands and nations? I think not even the greatest person in the world could, but a God full of love for His ppl.

Yet some of us forget that it was God who loved us a sinner first that made Him make a way for us to enjoy Him. Even when we feel as if He wasn't there, i can just picture a father letting His child play in the play ground running and using the see-saw slide and swing correctly and when He needs a helping hand would run to His father to ask for Help and He is always watchful and vigilant. I can picture a Father who will discipline His child when He does wrong and is in need of correction. Its just amazing the thought of God. Praise God. But I tell myself not to be presumptuous but I guess just as the psalmist says, I have to be whole in the word. And in v 14 in ps 19 to have everything tat goes in my head and heart be acceptable unto Him.

Sometimes the complicated things in life become simple in light of His word. Thank God for the word that makes wise the simple.....

the simplest thing of casting all our cares...for HE cares for us...



Cast all my Cares Upon You - Kids Praise and Worship