focus...

i hv to come face with it. I understand now that I hv to stand alone and be still now. And stay true to wats in me. and not deny anythin tat has happened in the past few wks and years. Rom8:28 says all things work for the good of those tat love Him and I love Him. And its pretty amazing tat i'm actually sitting here typin this out. didnt reli hv the best of days but as I expected the outcome I realise tat now is a time of true testing. I guess the circumstances tat hv plagued me and I know it had to come was overdue. And I accept it. I hv to be wise and hv to be tactcful for many fear the things I know and the ppl I accept and take counsel frm. I hv to admit the situation and be wise and discerning frm now on.

ANd looming at teh back of my head is the shock I've been selected for a platoon sgt course I din expect to be but still I thank God for it as its an opportunity again to relearn and unlearn many things as many other ppl like me will come tgt frm different walks of life train to be platoon sgts. APart frm the money, the horror stories abt it, i think its a time of testing and its reli a time to just thank him. come monday gotta go for the pre-selections and yea just gotta read up on my knowledge i suppose. Anyway focus, many things havent been goin to plan, shocks here and there and i just hate breaking the news to ppl at such late notices but today i'll be informin ppl abt the shocks and i wont be seen for the nxt 2 wkends except may 3 and frm nxt mth onwards I hv to work on getttin mentally set and prepared.

Anyway one sentence I felt spoke to me was this, service to God doesnt prove who we are in Him. My service in the church or my standing in the church doesnt prove anything because many can do service and many can do a better job and honestly ur relationship is wat matters. Its how u talk abt him, how u see ur life, how u value things and so on. Anyway i realise I dont know many ppl in my circle of frens in church. and it scares me and its sad tat yea i dun noe em. But then again this statement hits back, how are they to know me if i'm not ard? BUt then again wats my definition of noe? wells beyond the surface of who we portray ourselves to be. I feel i'm revealing myself too much for ppl to take but i accept tat maybe we arent as open as we think we are. But oh wells prayin abt it and i know there is improvements in some areas of frenship but i guess still gotta keep knowing.

waiting

i realised i get too affected. but then again its just God tellin me, "hey this is a soft spot of yours I'd like you to see, that ur insecurity makes u very shaky." It was a testing day today, I was in a state btw isolating myself and frustration as well as just full of unneccessary thoughts. My mind was very distracted, I couldn't connect with anyone and today just felt weird. Anyway I know there is some sense of insecurtiy in me and I can identify it and I reli thank God tat this is another thing to give to Him. Hai, sometimes I just can't understand if ppl reli mean wat they say and if ppl are who they say the are and live up to it and don't change mask in differing circumstances. And I know this are things I hv to face, and i reli need God to comfort me because honestly in life ppl are ppl and wat do ppl do best? being human.... But still i dun wanna be the one who complains but be the change. But all according to wat He wants not wat I want. Maybe he doesnt want me to be wat i want to be? anyway daniel showed me an interestin webbie tat has encouragin stuff and this lil poem or thoughts shd i say are kinda applicable to my life for now and reli how wonderful tat a God of promise when He says wait, it just gives us the Hope tat He will do wat He says...


Wait
Desperately, helplessly, longingly, I cried:
Quietly, patiently, lovingly God replied.
I pled and I wept for a clue to my fate,
And the Master so gently said, "Child, you must wait."
"WAIT? You say 'wait'," my indignant reply.
"Lord, I need answers.
I need to know why!
Is your hand shortened?
Or have you not heard?
By faith I have asked and am claiming your Word.
My future and all to which I can relate hangs in the balance,
and YOU tell me "Wait?"
I'm needing a 'yes'', a go-ahead sign, or even a 'no' to which I can resign.
And, Lord, You promised that if we believe we need but to ask, and we shall receive.
And, Lord, I've been asking! I need a reply!"

Then quietly, softly, I learned of my fate
As my Master replied once again, "You must wait."
So I slumped in my chair, defeated and taut. and grumbled to God,
"So I'm waiting.....for what?
"He seemed, then, to kneel, and His eyes wept with mine,
And He tenderly said, "I could give you a sign.
I could shake the heavens and darken the sun.
I could raise the dead, cause the mountains to run.
All you seek, I could give, and pleased you would be.
You would have what you want — But you wouldn't know Me.
You'd not know the depth of my love for each saint;
You'd not know the power that I give to the faint;
You'd not learn to see through clouds of despair;
You'd not learn to trust just be knowing I'm there;
You'd not know the joy of resting in Me
When darkness and silence were all you could see:
You'd never experience the fullness of love
As the peace of My Spirit descends like a dove;
You'd know that I give and I save (for a start),
But you'd not know the depth of the beat of My heart,
The glow of My comfort late in the night,
The faith that I give when you walk without sight,
The depth that's beyond getting just what you asked Of an infinite God,
who makes what you have LAST.
You'd never know, should your pain quickly flee,
What it means that "My grace is sufficient for thee,
Yes, your dreams for that loved one overnight would come true,
But, Oh, the loss! If I lost what I am doing in you!"
"So, be silent, My child, and in time you will see
That the greatest of gifts is to get to know Me.
And though oft may My answers seem terribly late,
My most precious answer of all is still, "WAIT."
Author Unknown
"When the wounds of my heart need healing,
and my broken dreams need mending .... the Lord tenderly meets me,
lifting my cares,
erasing my fears,
restoring my hopes.
Like a fresh breath from heaven, God touches me .... and I am whole again."

i'm just amazed...heres somethin to think abt, a spiritual giant can be an emotional dwarf? True aint it? boy am i such a dwarf....hahas

am i living a life too small?

honestly one of the thoughts in my head tat came to mind was who am i? Why would God give me this opportunity to do what I'm doin with my life? Why would I bother to take upon the burden for the youth ard me. Its not because I can do it, its not because I am capable, its not because I hv the spare time for it or because I have resources and the talent to do so. Its because of Him. Its because He wants to show others that even a person such as me can do His work. I aint boasting but reli if I wanted it, I would rather be a free loader but tat was not wat i wanted. I prayed for a ministry this year to serve. The Lord gave me 2tim2:2 or maybe the whole of 2timothy to digest and learn something tat is meant for all. But the most amazing thing is how the Lord has through this ministry made me grow closer to my parents and for the first in my life reli pray for one another and together and open up. Honestly I wont say its the end but today as I thought abt the things tat happened and watched the movie, this qn came in my mind...

Am I living a life too small for Him? in the sense what am I living for? what are my priorities. IN my current circumstances how does He be King of all? Am I looking for satisfaction tat ppl will understand wat I know? Am I looking for good organisation of the youth ministry so tat it would hv direction and a purpose? It may sound sound but no. I think I wanna live a life tat when others see me, they ultimately see His working, His hand, His love. Its not about How good I am but How good He is. BUt yea I hv to control my excitement at times and I know I can be preachy but totally I'm puttin my life on the line nt for my sake but HIm. I want to be transparent, wanna learn and wanna grow and watch others come to know Him. But yea I know I have to control this because I remember we all wanna do alot for Him but reli what does He want us to do? Sometimes we have to be still like right now in my head I gotta reli be on knees because I reli need His direction namely, how to carry on with the youths, the big screening of facing the giants, a mission trip to cambodia, my brothers and lastly a life partner.

I'll start with the last, why not? past 4wks I've been learnin on how to be wise abt choosing a life partner and learnt the seriousness of it tat once we've taken our vows its for better or worse till death do us part and its before God and there is no turnin back whereas b4 the I do's, we can still weigh the relationship. BUt ok I'll make this clear I am not looking for one but I just wanna say tat this is part of surrendering all to Him and to reli entrust it to Him tat he will give me wisdom in my choices. I know I've not been good in this subject my entire life, broke some hearts and hurt some ppl and been hurt but I wanna make it right and live right b4 Him because after all its one way of honoring Him.

Nxt my bros, seeing my dad close to tears reli tears me. I know he had hopes in us in living his dream but apart frm tat I thank God for Him. His expectations may be High and all but reli wats wrong for a father to say all he wants is for us to be happy? Nt just happy temporarily but eternally. Though he wanted doctors, lawyers, professors, engineers, who among us actually are reaching such heights? Look at our lifestyles and priorities. Look at the things we say and do to each other. But reli because of this it just makes me pray even harder and I thank God my parents are prayin with me to face this giant in our lives and sometimes I have to accept tat some ppl hv to go 40yrs in the wilderness before they cross the Jordan to the promised land.

nxt the trip to cambodia. I dunnoe if I'll make it but somewhere inside it tells me go and say yes but I hv to make some confirmations and reli pray for this and I have alr thought of somethings to look out for and pray for more.

nxt the screening? wells screened it with the youths today, thank God they were patient with my sharing after the movie. I pray I din turn ppl off but even if i did i just hope they din see me talkin but rather God i suppose. Lol. BUt hearing their feedback it was good and I understand tat when ppl say in HIs time it reli is because wat i experienced today is this, the movie is good and the applications are good but the honus is to the person whether its the right time for him/her to accept it and believe. Only God can do tat not me. BUt yea I hv to be more objective and not preachy but sometimes i feel u gotta make the pt heard but then again isnt God in control of the words I say? hahas ok i'll take note. But I know God's not finished with this disc and i knew it was coming tat ppl will demand to see the vid and ask to lend it to em so I hv to pray how to do this and be wise in passing it ard or making copies. but ultimately I know havin a youth rally using this to encourage them and pray for changes in ppl's life is whr its headin and i'm not sure if it'll be me or some other person but i know God will make a way.

lastly its the youth work, currently workin closely with my dad on it, have a rough plan and outline for the rest of the year but gotta pray for it.

but reli how are you living ur life? to me the biggest worry and I hv to reli entrust this is my example and my walk, tat wat i speak i do and wat i say i wont do i dun do. tat i wont be another pharisee full of zeal and doin things for God(like a headless chicken) but rather just another servant n child who has still a long way to go and recognises tat i dunnoe everythin. but reli how are you living your life? Even me as much as I know my life is in His hands i hv to do somethin abt it too and entrust it like my recent application to NIE. I dunnoe if i'll get in or not but I just pray tat He'll do wat's best. I know it'll be impossible to do wat i want to do like this course i was eyeing but realistically with my bro's in private institutions how my parents gonna pay for me and takin a loan it'll work but how? but yea even if i dun get it i noe I can still fallback on Him. What abt u? he can open doors and shut doors for whoever watever and in any which way he wants coz he's in control....

but yea i dunnoe its almost june and i wonder how many more things will he show and do through others and me.

life with life

honestly i can sense whr this is leadin but i must be still and wait and see and be sensitive to lil circumstances or how the word reveals as well as the timing. As for this sat I saw the lord workin as a door opened(its quite an interestin story in the background and I think it will be the first of many). ANyway I was thinkin of this person and I can see her struggle abt juggling ministry and work and I wont say i understand it but I dun want her to be discouraged tat she cant do much in the ministry. In His time I pray that she'll hv a breakthrough with God as He reveals a fresh new vision of Himself to her in His own special way. Ok i aint sayin u see dreams all i'm sayin is a new encounter with Him dat will change ur perspective and thinking. WE gotta kp close with Him and focus at the places He has placed us. If our lives are with work we do wat we can, if its in sch we do wat we can, if its servin this nation we do wat we can all for His glory. Wells wat we can means our best. And I pray for u tat u honor Him in ur work and give Him the desires of ur heart and He will Honor us and give it to ya!

Honestly I know I can be overzealous and ambitious and believing this can dat can but I just thank God for those ard me who remind me abt the reality we're living in. I'm still walkin and sometimes I hv to stop walkin and wait for the rest to catch up with me because I m not alone in this journey. And I thank God tat someone grabbed me before I sped off and pulled me back and said lets go tgt in this. Ok I aint sayin i'm consoling myself or wat but reli as I think through and reflect and relate it with How God has been workin I believe this is a lil lesson to learn. Not just abt myself but abt others as well.

Anyway I know whr its heading but I will just leave it to Him to put the building blocks and the resources and do wat He wants and not wat i want.

Lastly dicipleship is abt life passing on to life, how our lives affect another and How the things we say and do affect those ard us. Its life we're handlin, it's life we're giving. Wat kind of a life are u living today?

somethin's gotta give...

I honestly wanted to sit here yesterday and air one depressed msg but in the end I worked things out with myself and realised that there is a worm in me that I hv to deal with and realised sulking and feelin horrible abt it aint gonna work and honestly wat else do I hv to do but allow God to deworm me. And reli this worm has been plaguing me for sometime and honestly this wk I was reli appaled at the condition of myself. To the extent I felt like shuttin myself from this world. BUt I guess everything happens for a reason and God allowed me to fall and feel this horrible to remind me tat there is this worm tat He has to do and I cant get rid of it on my own.

So when I said surrender in my previous posts, I realise it takes time to surrender everythin one step of the time... And when I said surrender my emotions, these are emotions tat I face especially when I m at an idle state, and I realise it may end up eating me and plaguing my conscience and robbing me of peace and integrity. I want it to stop and I know, I reli know I cant and its reli a big struggle a big worm tat has entangled itself in the crevices and slowly is growing, and I know God wants to kill it.

ANd I thank Him. Because this is wat I faced this wk,and I know He will make a way and will cure me and cleanse this mind and heart of mine and restore me once more, And I want it because His will states He will complete the work in me because my life is still a work in progress and I trust Him and I want to claim teh promise tat in order to kp my life pure I will hold fast to His word.

Sometimes it may seem like I'm so following the book and all and being rigid but reli, I'm just like any of you strugglin in lives struggles. It wasnt easy but wat else could we do but to do wat we ought to do, and I thank God tat today I pray tat even before I say the prayer with my parents, tat the Lord will cause a revival in my brothers lives because reli, somethin has gotta give, I cant sit down and do nth and leave it to someone else but I gotta fight this battle and I know I can becoz others hv done it b4 why cant i? And I know my parents need me and we need God...

Over the wk been ministered by listening to some songs and reli the lyrics alone capture an attribute of who God is and honestly there are a few songs i wanna share lar so i'll just put them here,

He never sleeps
When you've prayed every prayer that you know how to pray
Just remember the Lord will hear and the answer in on it's way
Our God is able
He is mighty
He is faithful
And He never sleeps He never slumbers
He never tires of hearing our prayer
When we are weak
He becomes stronger
So rest in His love and cast all of your cares on Him
Do you feel that the Lord has forgotten our need
Just remember that God is always working in ways you cannot see
Our God is able
He is mighty
He is faithful

Hear Us From heaven
Lord, hear our cry Come heal our land
Breath life into these dry and thirsty souls
Lord, hear our prayer
Forgive our sin
And as we call on Your name
Would You make this a place
For Your glory to dwell

Chorus:
Open the blind eyes
Unlock the deaf ears
Come to Your people
As we draw near
Hear us from heaven
Touch our generation
We are Your people
Crying out in desperation

Bridge:
Hear Us From Heaven,
Hear Us From Heaven,
Hear Us From Heaven (4x)

Breakthrough
Break through,break through all my doubts
Break through, break through all my fears
Break through,that i may worship you
Break through, break through all my pain
Break through all my guilt and my shame
Break through like only you can do

You are brighter than my darkest night
Stronger than my toughest fight
Just one touch from you my king my friend
And i’ll never be the same again

O break through all my pain
Break through all my guilt and my shame
Break through like only you can do
O break through like only you can do
O God break through like only you can do
(songs by Don Moen)
sometimes i just let the songs be a prayer and honestly one time I just thought of the things I reli need God to break through in me and tonight i sensed one and I pray tat at the end of the day as much as I am overwhelmed by my inadequacies, I'll be overwhelmed by His blessings(not just material but honestly spiritual blessings)... Now you may qn tat it's ccm and stuff but honestly sometimes when I myself dunnoe wat to think of i play this songs and think upon the words...and it becomes personal btw me and Him...