its tat feeling...

i'd have to say i'm at a crisis of belief. I know you may not know but I know its this time again whr I'm put to a decision to just trust and entrust it so He could do the rest. I've tried my best, I've done my part and always I feel like I've not done enough but reli someone asked me a gd qn just now, am I stressed over the prog? I answered I was. Over wat. I said the leaders side. Wat I was stressed is if I'm reli leadin em to the right things and "inspiring" them to do wat they are suppose to. And I worry and this is my weakness. Thinkin its not gonna work out and tat I've missed out on somethin. But as much as I can think its reli a miracle dat we've reached this far. Imagine 3mths ago I wouldnt have thought this ppl would be sittin in a room listenin to the plans tat's been drawn up.

As much as I want you all to believe in the work, most of all we gotta believe tat He will do the rest tat we inadequate ppl can do or show us whr we need to improve in our lives. And yea who are we to venture into this? With no proper trainin but a faith and zeal to learn more. (and I pray the ppl ard me see the same as I do) which brings me to pray tat we all be of the same mind and be true and be this and tat. But reli i wonder does God want me to bother? But since its a burden in my heart, I pray He touches their hearts. I guess I've done all I can. I'll just leave God to work in them.

Winning over hearts and minds is God's task? wells lets put it this way yes and no. HE creates the change in ppl and he uses us to win others. we are the vessels of influencing lives. its just the beginning of the stages and the task is bigger than i thought. and as the day draws near the crisis of believing everythin will pass becomes drear. I hv to make a decision which would turn things ard. and as much as I worry I know God will resolve all of it. All my fears will be dispelled by His love.

And I know I'm not alone. and reli i just gotta do wat I gotta do. and i hv decided tat as much as I can do God will do the rest. let Him drive my car, as much as i'm unworthy to be driven ard, he'll drive me to the right places.

friesday...

i have to admit my nightly fries addiction is reli gonna kill me one day with all this saturated fat and stuff. but honestly i just can't help but think of it everytime, at a particular moment. no wonder i'm gainin a belly...

anyway besides the pt and the title reli doesnt hv to match wat i wanna talk abt today. Just thankful tat my com is up and working. THankful tat the choir sounded real well on thurs. Thankful for george. Thankful tat i got my fries yesterday. And yea goin back to camp later. Will just sleep tonight and pray.

Honestly wat got me yesterday was this thought. HOw significant is christ's death to me? He gave His life for a person who is double minded, breaks promises, always disappoints and much more... It just makes me wanna examine myself more and really pray for me to truly see the significance of HIs death not just for today but everyday. He died tats the fact. For my daily sins. WOuld I do the same if I were Him? I doubt so. BUt tats wat makes Him who He is, God who became man to live among us to walk beside us and to die for us becoz it was His destiny in order to save u and me. Unless we realise tat we are hopeless admist all the things this world can offer, we wont know this person. He'll only be a name, a symbol, a holiday. BUt wat is He to me...

You are more than silver and Gold
More than the riches, fame and glamour this world offers
You are more than the Sun, Moon and stars
More than the Highest peak and the deepest deep

Yet you gave your life for me
A nobody, a mere vapour in the wind
A simple spike in eternity
Yet you still came for me

Humble me, convict me
Let your hand be upon me
Bless me and use me
For your glory as I press for eternity...

a satisfied dissatisfaction...

wells how else could I speak abt this wkend? God is just faithful. When I thought I couldnt make it, it just happened tat by a slim chance I did. Just thankful and reli glad to see it turn out well. Wells somethings din occur as planned due to reasons but I'm still glad that it just went accordingly. The weather was good, the ppl were happy and after readin their feedback on another last min sheet, it seems that its good and I feel tat if there is gonna be another event as such we gotta zoom into the choke ups tat occured this time ard. BUt yea just gotta entrust it to Him now. And honestly even thought I din participate in the activities of settin up stuff I reli thank God for allowing me to open up and talk to some of my boys and gettin to know em. For instance one of em who said din have an aim in life. Kinda shared him some christian principles and if the Lord wills I pray for more occassions such as this in the remaining days with this boys. As much as I want it to end, I reli feel the pangs of missing them and embarkin on another journey in the mths to come...

the comin wk is duty wk as well as holy wk. its gonna be tiring for sure. but i know in watever i face i know God is there. prayin tat i find time to prepare the briefin for the joy leaders in the comin wk and reli pray for em and start with the core leaders n i reli need to seek Him daily becoz i can sense that if i'm not deep in His word i will just feel horrible abt things. But honestly I reli thank God for my mentors and ppl who kp me in their prayers and reli when I was in need the Lord sent forth help. and i've been blessed with materials tat kp me goin daily.

sometimes I wonder why some still struggle and see their problems as deadends in their lives. Why do I see mine in a different light? Why don't i feel the weight when things wrong? they are knowledgable, they are old enough yet why don't they see wat I see? I dun intend to sound proud or puffed up, its seems so simple isnt it? but why don't ppl fully grasp it?

this is one of my burdens. and i reli see my role in this and reli the thing tat struck me is how will they noe? How will they see wat I see? How will they see things the way I do? And most imptly how will they see tat the one who allows me to be wat I am is Him who is in control of my life... There'll be more joy for me if I see fellow brethren enjoying the presence of God in their lives. Sometimes the only clear thing God gives us is tat we just hv to do it even if it seems like its goin nowhere. abraham was promised a son but he waited how long b4 his son isaac was born? along the way he did fall but he kept holdin on to the promise.

anyway reli gotta start prayin and start entrustin as I've began to surrender my all to Him. I know i've yet to apply for my nxt level of studies plannin to do it nxt wk dun wanna lose out on anythin.

anyway i enjoyed the process and seeing the result and the growin of the ppl around me. wells I noe the one thing tat bugs me and I m also guilty of this, we arent reli being true to one another yet. But I know God is leadin us there.

My Jesus, My saviour
Lord there is none like you!
All of my days,
I want to praise the wonders of your mighty love

my comfort, my shelter
tower of refuge and strength
let every breath
all that I am
never cease to worship you

i reli wanna see Him work in others as well so I may rejoice in their victories as well....

on the brink....

honestly after this wk i reli dunnoe how to feel. Too much happenings and too much things tat just bang at this head of mine. reli i'm treading on a thin line btw depression and just breaking down and not doin anythin. reli after today, its just been tough. reli many shocks many things tat i reli have to pray abt for strength and peace. and reli last nite i just wanted to wallow out and cry at the entire situation. i'd say i reli feel helpless. these are ppl under my charge. ppl who in 12days pass on to the "real" life tat awaits them beyond the shores of my sunny island. and today playin the investigator and tryin to link up events in the entire fiasco. I hv to admit my boys are playful but i nv thought it'd be as bad as it seems and it only surfaces now which just shows how things hv gone and the kind of ppl i hv under me. Anyway honestly reli tired of elaboratin but just wanna say tat in life, there are things we shd never experience and totally treasure it for sure. once u see someone;s freedom taken frm them u'd begin to realise how precious livin a life tats right is to u...well for me tats how i felt, i dunnoe abt u....anyway i'm reli on an impulsive spree... was alr contemplatin my nxt purchase when my pay comes out and i noe its an impulse buy but yea wat to do...i guess i reli hv to go back to Him and reli just cast it all upon him. n i noe he's reli puttin me through the fire to make me see who i reli am and reli to fit myself in the mould of me. anyway i'm tired. goin for a run in 7hrs. reli i just feel like runnin and feelin the cool sea breeze ruffling my hair. and most imptly runnin thoughts of praise and thanksgivin to him.
somethin tat came to me...

is 45:2....

gratitude...

its amazing reli. i'm just glad i'm home. i'm just glad its another new day and i'm glad a knot has been unwound. i'm glad tat things are movin. and i'm glad that He has made me glad. i'm just thankful. even as my civilian minutes are tickin away. i'm pretty much under stress coz of a deadline i hv to meet and it was a deal to make me be here right now. so yea. gratitude. i just thank God i'm home. though i feel abit groggy after a long nite. yea hv to push on...