our deepest fear...

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine as children do. It's not just in some of us; it is in everyone. And as we let our own lights shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others."
Timo Cruz(Character from the movie Coach Carter)

i believe this wk was one of self realisation n really diggin deep within. Not sure about the others, but somehow I realise tat the organisation i am servin in seems to be tryin to do away with an image tat most in this society are holding as the norm. The scary thing is that wat they perceive as the usual everyday thing, appears to be the very thing that it shdnt be.

how do i explain?

I guess learnin to be wat they want us to be is like fitting us into an ideal mould tat many ppl seem to find ridiculously impossible or unheard of.

firstly i feel its because of our own experience in tat island. coming in contact and bein under the very ppl we ought to(and not to) emulate. Its like it's so hard to believe that a simple job such as handlin this grp can be much more than just handling. It could be greater....

i couldn't comprehend as to why some feign to reli do it and find it totally stupid? a waste of time and just some ideal jargon dat is not worth trying at all. It seems right but why some find it not? Are we so caught up with a picture of ourselves in a position whr those under us is at our mercy?

Sad but true.

I feel many of us fear to break frm it. Fear to reli try it out. Fear to reli take on this role. To be there. Not just as a person of authority and kicking their butts the extra mile but ultimately for them to come out a soldier and a better person. ANd in the end make us all realise that we are human. After all we are dealing with human beings right?

I noe it wont be easy. I noe that many would not like or may find it irritating that one would actually follow this approach(the approach set by wat we learnt over the past days). But who am i to say so much still because after 6mths away frm this place i can touch my heart tat many things may hv changed for the better or worse and wat my perceived awareness compounded with ignorance as well as nervousness, i may not see the full picture yet. But honestly, I dun think everyone in tat island isnt doin wat they are suppose to,(i noe tat there are good and bad) but somehow this few days hv struck me at the amt of responsibility we hv becoz of the great power we can command.

But honestly I feel dat ultimately it lies in our choice. Whether we want to come face to face with this challenge and set our minds free frm the initial thoughts we hv. Honestly a reflection of the quote above has been in my head for a mth but somehow cant quite comprehend or reli understand wat it meant, and only now it somehow connects(because i see it in us). That we are great beyond our measure. We can indeed be better than we are perceived to be. I noe this becoz of the attitude and the despise that many ppl hv said abt ppl like us. Eg. "(PLACE NAME) that place ar? Train so hard to go there ar? CLimb so much knoll for tat ar? Oh poor thing? This place not tough? n so on....

And it can go on. BUt i guess this few days i realised how much we can do. Not just for ourselves but for tat person who may be walking through tat jetty. And knowing that we hv laid a foundation for tat person to become someone(second part of the quote). But yea its just thoughts but i suppose to be able to produce action one must ponder upon them so as to act upon them.

I reli feel privelleged to be challenged and questioned internally. so much so i couldnt sleep at night and reli feel thankful for the journey thus far. But honestly do i believe in the opportunities tat lie ahead? Or will i just let it flow through my fingers like sand? It will always be a choice laden with fear. Not fear becoz u r afraid. Fear becoz of the pressure ard u. Peers, society, family and other stuff....

Anyway dun intend to drown ya. But reli hv we reli thought abt our deepest fear?

:)

That is a smile to savour. Never have I seen a smile full of relief, happiness and abit of expectation(meaning wondering wat would come next). It comes to me as if he is sayin, "its over and Thank God its finally over."

As gruelling as the times may hv been for him-climbin those hills, running those distances- one thought was always in head, "i'd get through this". There were moments he admits where he thought he could not go on, where he thought tat this may be the final step he'd take and dropout. Initially he thought he was not up to the task. Yet he did it. He made it. He marched out tat parade square proud tat he did. Thank God dat he did.

Now back to a place he calls home, he looks back and thinks of the lessons he has learnt. Lessons that may not meet the aims the organisation hopes to achieve, but lessons tat will leave an imprint in him forever.

I guess one thing is for sure he has seen the worst and the best of himself and of ppl. He has seen tat being put through this fire he has seen how his patience has been put to the limit, how he has reacted to situations, how he as a person has grown.

As sobering as some things may be he realises tat he has alot to go through in this refining of oneself. Because after all its just another stage in the process. We arent the finished product yet. NO ONE IS TILL THEY LET THEIR LAST BREATH OUT. Or so I think. I am not promoting that this period of time is a life changer, but rather I am sayin that it is an opportunity to allow ur life to be changed. Whether u take on the values this organisation preaches or enhance and strengthen the values you've had. After all there are always 2 sides to everything. SOME just wanna go through this moments blindly and just do it for the sake of it because there is no choice. BUT i really beg to differ. If we wallow at the places we end up in and not seize every chance and opportunity, i'd say it'd be a waste.

Though some say tat the place he'll be goin is a place whr he may rot and just end up like the rest who has been. But that's the challenge. He doesnt wanna wallow and waste. He wants to try to make the best out of this. Even as frustratin and repetitive it would be he wants to believe that there can be something better that can come out of it. That yes its soldiers he may be trainin but after all its humans/ppl he'll be dealing with.

He looks forward to it. He relishes the opportunity. Yet at the back of his mind he feels wat he has gained through those wks leadin up to this moment may not be applied. And may feel inadequate. But he know's that is the challenge after all? TO see wat can be applied.

One thing tugs at his heart now.

It is that feeling of reaching out. Connecting and communicatin to ppl whom he misses. The need to express. The need to understand and be understood. The ability to just be who he is and feel the warmth of real friendship. Not sayin he din find any during his time there. But its different. He'd say he had many buddies and friends, but none in which he can reli just be him. Probably its the things they are interested in, the things they talk abt. But i guess thats the lesson he learns that sometimes not everything can meet our needs, but it will be met somehow sometimes someday.(the days came unexpectedly and he cherishes them)

Anyway i guess one picture can mean alot. I am intrigued by this photo as it just summarises and reminds me of a phase and a stage, whr I went through neither heaven nor hell but to put it simply it was a lil bit of both in a place called hotel...

I will miss those days and look forward to more days such as those...

qn marks...

honestly its been almost half a yr doin wat i'm doin. Not reli sure if i'm beginnin to like it or wat, but somehow with the monotonous kind of routine life n most of the time being away frm ppl whom u wish to see and connect with, not reli sure how long can i hold on. BUt honestly am reli thankfully tat I do hv ppl who remember me in prayer and at times try to encourage me and kp me goin on.

I wouldnt say that my path is easy. Its basically an expressway with many exits and if i'm not careful i may miss an impt turn or be sucked into the caravan tat i din wanna go. BUt so far this kind of life has made me sit in wonder, even in times of just sittin down and admiring the stars at night, a gentle breeze brings me to wonder of the comfort of being hugged.

I'm not sayin i'm caged or wat, but yea though at times i may not be ard sometimes i wish i was.

Apart frm the present i've never reli thought abt the future... Even as much as i wished my life was pretty set and assured i.e know wat course i'll be goin to or wat i'd be doin for the rest of my life, one thing is for certain is tat anythin can happen. All i can do for now is live each day one day at a time and let the choices i make today influence the future that i m so excited to explore...

I guess i dun hv much time to reli sit and recollect and recount my life. Its been v.fast. And its almost comin to the end of the yr and i'll be enterin the last quarter of 2007. So i still wonder how much hv i changed? HOw much hv i grown in wisdom and in spirituality? How abt my conduct? How abt my relationships with my family? Friends? Honestly sometimes I wonder why we wait till the last minute to recall all this? oh wells i guess i cant reli express myself much...

Though many things are in my head and like i noe this phase of my life is gonna send me to another place after i graduate nxt thurs...Though i may not know whr i go or wat tomorrow will bring, honestly i'm just leaving it alone and just do wat i can for today...

HOnestly i miss alot yet as much as i miss it i wonder wat i am missin...oh wells here's a song tat sorta touched me and reminded me of the wks i've been away...somehow overall this song sums up wat i reli wanna say....


I Know Who Holds Tomorrow
words and music by Ira Stanphill

I don't know about tomorrow,
I just live from day to day.
I don't borrow from it's sunshine,
For it's skies may turn to gray.
I don't worry o'er the future,
For I know what Jesus said,
And today I'll walk beside Him,
For He knows what is ahead.

Refrain
Many things about tomorrow,
I don't seem to understand;
But I know Who holds tomorrow,
And I know Who holds my hand.

Ev'ry step is getting brighter,
As the golden stairs I climb;
Ev'ry burden's getting lighter;
Ev'ry cloud is silver lined.
There the sun is always shining,
There no tear will dim the eyes,
At the ending of the rainbow,
Where the mountains touch the sky.

Refrain
Many things about tomorrow,
I don't seem to understand;
But I know Who holds tomorrow,
And I know Who holds my hand.

I don't know about tomorrow,
It may bring me poverty;
But the One Who feeds the sparrow,
Is the One Who stands by me.
And the path that be my portion,
May be through the flame or flood,
But His presence goes before me,
And I'm covered with His blood.

Refrain
Many things about tomorrow,
I don't seem to understand;
But I know Who holds tomorrow,
And I know Who holds my hand.