of war, tears and happiness (3)

happiness: the feeling of being happy.

happy: feeling, showing or causing pleasure or satisfaction

this is probably the best concise definition found in the cambridge dictionary.

Happiness. Its probably one of the chief aims of us all humans. Its probably our primary desire as humans. Seeking for our own happiness. But now it makes me wonder, if i hv found dat happiness am I reli happy/satisfied/or pleased?

Tough thought huh?

Frens, shoppin, movies, chatting, surfin the net, bloggin, straight A's, gettin the courses u want, goin to ocs, etc are probably some sources of happiness for some of us. YEt somehow it doesnt reli satisfy us. FOr instance today. Met up with some of the youths today, i dunnoe but somehow the spirit was different? LIke Ok maybe i was goin with a particular need, yet I felt tat my need wasnt met with em today. Sad as it may sound but I guess its kinda foolish to hinge on to them for the satistfaction I need. I guess the same to can be said abt my bros as well.

For days I guess since 2wks ago, I've been prayin and longin for a listening ear. Someone who'd just hear me out and just be able to pour out wat bugs me and understands whr I'm comin frm yet as much as I think of it the more silly this prayer is to me. Like yea I do hv a lot of ppl to call and msg and stuff but somehow they seem pre-occupied by their own lives or the things tat they are currently doin(sch work yada yada) ANd prolly I too am pre-occupied with my own life?

WHich brings me back to the qn. Will this all make me happy?

I like to see others smile and have fun even if it means I dun hv it. If they disappoint me and dun meet my needs I won't blame them because they didn't noe and probably I din take the step to let my need be known. BUt even so I'd say the avenue to make it known is sometimes kinda shadowy. HOnestly unless i spell it out here who noes tat I got my uni application rejected? Who noes tat i cant clear my SOC because of my low rope and if i could i can get a timin under 9minutes? Who noes tat this wk alone I had to run my SOC thrice in 3 days and in between run 6k and fast march another 6k. And not fogetting tat I'm also in the drill squad practicin since monday for the competition nxt fri. HOnestly who noes?

Everytime I reach this pts, I always tell myself GOd noes. NO one may noe but God noes. Even if i doubt tat He noes. And it brings me to tears sometimes to think as I just did. Looking back at past smses I m reminded of how much ppl are prayin for me. Encouraging me at the right moment I needed it. Then I think to myself wat hv i done to make someone's day? I've been expecting happiness only for me dat i forgot abt others. And I suppose this is the lesson of the day. Dat even now instead of seeking for the things dat satisfy me, would I be able to meet someone's need? Maybe there was a need to be met today in someone. Did i meet tat person's need or did i just push mine first?

So wats the conclusion then?

I suppose the conclusion is wat is our primary satisfcation? Meanin who/wat satisfies us the most? Then once we sort tat out all the rest will be secondary because that is whr we draw the most satisfaction and happiness. Even as much as i complain or want this or tat, time and time again I am drawn back to the source of wat drives em frm day to day. Not sayin i dun need anyone, but I am always drawn back to and reminded of my primary source of happiness. Prayin tat ppl do see this in me? Yet I still wonder if they even do? BUt why shd i worry or fear? Also I guess lookin inward just makes things worse. Jesus din sulk at his situation when He was abt to die. He din even make his situation and circumstances affect his main purpose. Even when he knew his disciples will abandon him, he prayed for them. Even while hangin on the cross He din look at his own plight but pleaded for them with God for their forgiveness. That I suppose is the example. I know dat even as He suffered He was happy doin it to please the Father. And most of all because He loved us. His focus was HIs father's business which was providing the way for us to be together with Him.

SO happiness... U define it for urself. I know whr I derive mine frm. Though at times I forget it, everyday I am reminded abt it. Also happiness shd not only be limited to me. You too shd noe this happiness. So am I happy now? ANd am I ok? I'd say yea I am. By His grace I am.

of war, tears and happiness (2)

"to be honest our section may not be as enthu as the rest but we are certainly kilat in comparison to the rest in the things that matters..."

"our section unlike others doesnt hv conflicts among the rest...we motivate one another and get along well..."

"we are kilat..."

wat a day today.somehow i guess this may be the last time the 11 of us would sit in our gear sweaty and tired and sharing wat we've been through and how we hv got to know one another. Frm the first bed to the last and frm all the things we faced and under one of the "xiong" trainers around in our company, kinda glad tat all of us are alive to tell the stories. And out of all the sections we hv the least ppl who got out of course.

Anyway just glad and really thankful for the people who are in my bunk. I guess it does make the overall experience i had more "easy". Although we were individuals in our own ways, when it came to workin together, we just did so. ANd yea this goes out to all of u guys manz.ITs a salutation to the kilatos of platoon 1 B coy!

We know it for ourselves dat among the rest our drills are the best. And honestly wat lies ahead i don't know. But as much as we think our experience in this coy was horrible, just being among u ppl was one of the drivin forces and yea wat an experience.

As we prepare to march our final march together come tue, i'd say dat watever lies ahead would be no kick coz we've been through b coy. Wat could be worse? :D

Kinda feelin delirious right now, prolly frm accumulated tiredness and the feelin of havin a long break and a wk to reli look forward to!

Somehow the thought of feeling alone b4 was stupid. But yea... they too were a factor in my life as a trainee in this coy. N wat could i do without em.

anyway i guess am not done with this yet. Shall settle down now and will be back again...

anyway on another note is dat yea been prayin for everyone of them daily, and yea the song playin now goes out to the fren who din get to med sch. Prolly sometimes u feel dat workin hard doesnt pay off. But it will someday. And yea there is hope, as false as it may sound sometimes we just hv to hv faith. I guess sometimes i find it difficult to tell u how. But i guess u will find a way somehow. But yea I know u will do wat it takes to reach tat dream u worked for.

I guess to the rest of us guys, as much as it is cloudy I guess we all hv to hv tat vision to look forward to and reach it. And I guess dats another post...

of war, tears and happiness...(1)

i've somehow recently been inspired to write this entry while observing my friends one night or to say a whole day or wk...



so let me begin by sayin this:



We may not be training to fight a war, be sent to iraq or afghanistan or to be prepared to resist a northern invader. We may run many kilometres, scale hills and carry loads on our backs, but the one war we will always hv to fight is the war we face within ourselves.



Imagine how many wars we face daily in our lives? Ok let me narrow the scope. The wars we fight in the place I am at...



1. Attack of the zzzzZ monster

2. SOC

3. IPPT

4. Outfield

5. Mosquitos

6. Profanities

7. Irritating ppl

8. Lethargy



There is more to that list I can add but somehow dun reli wanna list it all.



Ultimately all this can be trivial but still we struggle with it. Probably in ur own life u face ur own battles. The student is exams, those workin is the nxt bonus or pay rise, to the athlete is when he'll meet his nxt opponent. ANd so on and so forth.



So wat does this mean? We dun hv to be carryin guns and carryin explosives and shoutin orders to fight a war. The war is within. The internal struggle with our desires with our needs with our very being and responsibilities. That is war. NOt a clash of titans and artillery fire. BUt a clash and conflict between mind, heart and soul. This is the war we face daily. Frm the moment we drag our feet out of bed. To the moment we look at the mirror and start brushing our teeth and eat our toast and sip our coffee. ALl the way till we get back home frm work/sch and hang our legs and relax. We will face a conflict of interest, a battle to make decisions.



So then how do we overcome? HOw do we win the battles we face? I guess one way is to just confront them head on with all your strength. To charge with all you hv. Meaning with the wisdom of ur mind, the feelings of ur heart and the well being of ur soul.

Anyway away frm tat, not reli a subject matter expert on tat one yet because I myself am battlin daily my own wars. My own struggles, my own experiences. BUt wats fulfillin is dat I'm not battlin it alone.

On a more personal side I guess wat happiness I'm deriving everyday is to see my frens around me overcome their adversities, even if it means I forsakin my own ability to fight my own wars. Just heard out a fren of mine who was distraught abt his results of not gettin into med sch, I tried to comfort him yet it was difficult to bring hope to person who doesnt believe in a hope dats just unfathomable. Oh wells... I'll be back this wkend to continue on this topic I suppose unless I forget to or some other incident inspires me to write somethin else. In the mean time to the unknown out there or to some passer by hv a nice and fulfilling day and yea do kp smiling and try to make someone's day.

the waitin moments...

what would one do if he found out things didn't go the way that he thought it would?

Somehow had this gut feelin dat i would find out whr tat sweat and tears went to. And yea in the process of accepting it, it's disappointing yet wat else could i do? To go straight to the pt, I din get in to the place i applied to. And yea i guess it would be normal if I'd just sulk and moan how unfair bla bla life reli is and mope and complain and all and stuff. But honestly after readin the letter I knew in me that yea, ok I guess its back to the drawing board. :D

I guess my feelin is dat i'm looking forward and smiling tat at least there is another chance to reconsider this nxt step. Time seems to be on my side. But I guess the bigger picture is really tat I hv God on my side.

Honestly who wouldnt be sad and broken over this. I'd say its an experience and its no harm tryin again. Kinda recalled the story of this guy who tried 3times to get into a university and when he did he ended up excellin pretty well. And I guess to me wat i can gather at this moment is tat do i reli need to go to uni? ANd I guess this will give me more time, rather than rushin my future, to find out other avenues I havent considered. I know tat all things worketh for good to those that love Him, and this is another experience.

Dun get me wrong dun think i'm down and out, I dun think i'm hopeless, its not necessary all the time tat one needs to go to university to end up doin the things he wants to do, and now I'm gonna wait upon the Lord on the next step. I guess be it through ppl, circumstances and stuff. I I hv to look out for courses as well as opportunities. I know wat I wanna do, I've found my "sweet spot"(an area that u find satisfaction and are good in) but I hv to trust in Him for wat will happen next because for some it may hv been the end of the road but to me its not and whr I go I knowest not(yet it doesnt mean i dun do anythin abt it). I'm placin all hope in HIs promises.

Recountin the thing about applications, hv a few frens who r checkin their medicine results(meanin if they got admitted), hv this bunkmate of mine who placed all hopes in this course alone and he once said he'd be terribly disappointed if he din get in and would feel hopeless and so on. But yea I guess u get wat i mean.

Who do i turn to?

When all is downcast?

Where Hope seems like grasping for the wind...

But If I had all this would I be contented?

WOuld I still rely on the only one above?

Who has guided me, comforted me for this few mths.

Sent me ppl to confide in and to put a smile on my face

And remind me tat all is not lost.

The only direction I hv is wat lies in front of me,

It may appear dark and uncertain

Yet I know in due Time I will see

I will do my part

For I know that He hasn't forgotten me

I will not compare

For maybe this is the path I shd take

A longer one?

A more fruitful one?

One tat would make me who I am suppose to be

When the world ridicules me

Looks down on me

My friends abandon me

I know You are beside me always

You will hold me up

And I will stand up again

For I am a stubborn man

Stubborn in the things I hold dear

Its in these waiting moments once more whr the testing seems clear.

I hv been taught to not lose hope. I hv been told not to dwell on missed chances and on the past. I hv been reminded to persevere and TRUST always. I have learnt the meanin of carrying on. After all life is not just abt careers, dollars and cents, taxes and all this material things. Because all this can be taken away even frens and family. SO who am I to sulk? Its just part of this long journey of life. There is more to this. I know.

on an empty grass patch...

felt really tired and drained today...

all my mind was filled with thoughts of how tiring army life really is. but yea one thing comforting is tat i hv a sunday to recharge and carry tat lil fuel to push me on for the nxt few days. They say its tough, of course it is. I look forward to the wkends coz its a time to just sit talk and meet up with frens. Wells i guess less frens more of family now.

i recall one moment while outfield. It was the first night harbouring in the "forest". We had to flatten our own bed i.e flatten shrubs, tall grass make a bed. And apparently the area i got was infested with bugs and slugs and mostquitos and it was pretty wet and due to days of rain and stuff.

I remember tat first nite was a horrible one. After a day of trainin and runnin and pronin in mud, all i could do after settin up my "bed" was just stand and stare at the open.(honestly tat was a tactical no-no) Kinda appreciatin the sight. We din hv a canopy over our head so the sky was pretty bright where i stood. All i could think of was how horrible it was to be whr i was. Like why is it dat i run and get dirty and do everythin to the best i can yet the reward i get at the end of the day is this? And others who r fit and so can just stay clean and enjoy their moment. Why tat some just give up and dont put their best foot forward. And why is it dat there are some who just dun push themselves to understand wat to do(aka blur). I sigh to myself and wonder. How can i go on this way. Surrounded with negative ppl. The bit of positivity i drive in seems to recoil back at me. they call me crazy for being positive because wat good will it get me? I hv not found anyone(yet) who has the same mind and energy as me. Tat night especially i felt the chills of being lonely.

I sat down on my ground sheet, began to untie my boots. Ignoring the mud I slowly pulled my sweat, water soaked feet out. Slowly i unbuttoned my uniform and revelled in the liberation of fresh air and lightness(because the whole day we were in sbo attire). It was a tiny moment which lasted for 5mins because straight after i felt the scourge of mosquitos plaguing my body. I powdered myself, top to bottom, changed my socks and my undies and put on the same old grimy uniform(was lazy to put on the new back and undress out the nxt mornin). It was a short lived joy to be free frm the weight. I sat back down feelin "fresh" yet slowly reality crept in. Behind where i was sleepin i saw my two buddies enjoyin their company with one another(although it was a violation of orders as we were suppose to slp 3m apart frm each other. one of my buddies changed because he couldnt stand the place where he was placed.) And somehow yea it made my whole situation worse. And yea it kinda pricked me to realise tat yea i dun reli hv a gd buddy there. Most of my bunkmates speak chinese in their everyday conversations even when i'm ard em or in their convos. They somehow break off and drift back to mandarin leavin me stumped and guessing. The smoker buddies got their own mates to socialise with. MOst of the time in bunk i somehow find solace on my bed. But tat night i had no bed. I was out in the field feeding the mozzies(regardless of the amt of repellent i put).

It was a clear night as I laid down on my field pack with my SBO on. I shifted and shifted tryin to find the most comforting position yet i couldnt. I knew i was tired. I knew I was abit frightened and lonely. I knew I din like whr i was. I knew I longed for some sort of company there and then. I sighed as i assesed my situation. All i could think of was ome. ALl i could think of was the day i get out of camp whr i can just rest and take comfort. All i could think was the frens who would understand me and hear me out.Yet i knew they werent.

I woke up several times. Changed positions to get some shut eye. Then early in the mornin b4 sunrise, i felt droplets of water drizzlin on my head. I ignored it and began to push myself to get some rest. Yet the drops wont let off and kept peltin my face. I got up and quickly put on my jacket. In the same time i saw my 2 buddies bundling their field packs in one of their groundsheets and eventually huddling together in another.

I din noe how long the drizzle lasted but it was long enough to wet my face till reveille. And when i woke up i was kinda late for my stand-to. Quickly i put on my helmet and sat on my groundsheet holdin my rifle and tryin to be as alert as first light began to set in.

My body was sore, my shoulders achin. And here was I standin again to get ready for the day's trainin.

Oh wells. I did get out alive. Am right here pennin it down. SOmetimes I reli get to low moments such as this. Whr i feel as though I dun hv anyone to talk to abt wat bugs me most of the time. Yet I guess its only human to long for company. No one enjoys being lonely.

Anyway today I guess I was reminded again tat far beyond any friend. I guess I can rely on Him. The strength I find to run and to charge up the nxt bound, I wouldnt say its my own. Because most of the time i'm just lethargic and sleepy. Its not tat i wanna prove to anyone or show my instructors tat i m the best. But i just wanna do my best so we as a section can get it over and done with and lessen the torture the instructors can do to us. And anyway i wouldnt be able to do it if not for the strength tat comes frm above. I believe dat is why i can still push on even when i feel tat all is lost. And dat feelin I had tat night i guess was just me complainin abt the situation i am in. It reli is an empty life(when u reli think abt the situation ur in). A life filled with vulgarities, testosterone, and whr the tough one's succeed and the rest are idiots. Whr understanding comes second to orders. Whr lines are seldom unclear. Whr platoon mates and bunk mates just make u feel dat i'm wastin my energy and all. Whr ppl still look out for themselves and not the majorities welfare. And the list can go on and my complains can increase. I wouldnt say i m exemplarary. I can say i do contribute to the list.

What struck me the most today in church was tat sometimes we wont understand the situation we are in but we hv to kp goin and holding on to the His promises and just doin wat we are suppose to. Its like walkin through a tunnel. A really dark tunnel whr u cant even see ur fingers. And every step is a frightening one. Because who noes the nxt fall may be a pit or a pool. Its a test of faith and obedience and trust.

We r pretty shortsighted. Because at the end of a tunnel there is light. At the end of the day there will be rest. I recall Romans 8:28 And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose. And yea also abt Job who went through a tougher time than me losin his family and all his possessions and everyday being pestered by his frens to curse God. Yet he held on and stood firm in God.

The qn's i'm askin myself is am i still holding on? I pray tat He will allow me to.


Psalms.91
[1] He that dwelleth in the secret place of the most High shall abide under the shadow of the Almighty.
[2] I will say of the LORD, He is my refuge and my fortress: my God; in him will I trust.
[3] Surely he shall deliver thee from the snare of the fowler, and from the noisome pestilence.[4] He shall cover thee with his feathers, and under his wings shalt thou trust: his truth shall be thy shield and buckler.
[5] Thou shalt not be afraid for the terror by night; nor for the arrow that flieth by day;
[6] Nor for the pestilence that walketh in darkness; nor for the destruction that wasteth at noonday.
[7] A thousand shall fall at thy side, and ten thousand at thy right hand; but it shall not come nigh thee.
[8] Only with thine eyes shalt thou behold and see the reward of the wicked.
[9] Because thou hast made the LORD, which is my refuge, even the most High, thy habitation;
[10] There shall no evil befall thee, neither shall any plague come nigh thy dwelling.
[11] For he shall give his angels charge over thee, to keep thee in all thy ways.
[12] They shall bear thee up in their hands, lest thou dash thy foot against a stone.
[13] Thou shalt tread upon the lion and adder: the young lion and the dragon shalt thou trample under feet.
[14] Because he hath set his love upon me, therefore will I deliver him: I will set him on high, because he hath known my name.
[15] He shall call upon me, and I will answer him: I will be with him in trouble; I will deliver him, and honour him.
[16] With long life will I satisfy him, and shew him my salvation.

This Psalm was the responsive readin for the service. I guess tat somehow sums up the reason I can go on in this place. As much as i find it difficult and tiring. I guess ultimately I hv someone who watches me. And comforts me everytime i need it. For the past sundays Hv i been blessed and fueled to tackle the wk ahead. Though smilin seems difficult it is always a joy to just smile and see others smile. So honestly i guess this wk of sleepin on another empty grass patch, prayin for protection, strength and confidence. Honestly I cant wait for all this to end, yet I cant wait for everythin to unfold and see wat lies ahead.

"Under his wings, under his wings,
Safe in the refuge hide thee;
Trusting his truth and faithfulness,
No evil can betide thee."

Wells gotta run now. Hv abt 2hrs to get to camp and start cleanin up my gear. Prayin tat i do get to watch my juniors play this saturday. Even if i dun get to, pray they'll hv fun and do a good show for those watchin. Prayin to meet up with my frens as well. Miss them much. Hv alot to catch up with as most of em are like everywhr and workin and stuff. Prayin for that letter of admission to show up soon. And yea my fam and frens in church as well as my other frens. I guess dats abt it. I'm almost there. and reli thank GOd for bringin me this far.

experiment volcano...

dun mind the title...

just thought that tonight someone just had to pour the vinegar in so tat it would cause the volcano to react due to the reaction of the weak acid and the carbonate in the "magma" chamber...

honestly as much as i wanna say everythin is fine and put up a smile- honestly its just a build up of lil lil frustrations tat just irk me. ever since i've entered the green force wk in wk out i discover unpleasant happenings to my things. To be frank i'm just feelin this way becoz things dat somehoe help me past time and kp my thoughts in checked are misused and "spoiled"

i noe they are just material things, but the worse is dat no one wants to claim responsibility. and that is the worse thing. if every wk i hv to deal with this i wonder how much more can i take. geee. i noe prolly i'm over reactin or wat but honestly i just hv to let it go. i guess if ur in my position b4 u'll understand. imagine u leave ur precious item on ur table and go off for a vacation for a wk and come back to find out its been misused and abused. U ask the ppl who were home abt wat happened and all they can do and say is tat it wasnt them and tat they dont noe. wells perhaps once is still bearable, but if its multiple times and it doesnt seem to sink in them that u are feelin v.angry or hurt abt it. N yea i noe its just a small thing. HOw much more if its somethin bigger?

sometimes i reli wonder wat can i do abt it since goin the mtd of remindin and tellin ppl doesnt work do i hv to lock my stuff in a safe? do restrictions? put a close circuit camera? i'm reli runnin out of options. wells money can replace but the fact no one owns up is the thing tat irks me the most... oh wells there has to be a solution to this no pt me wastin all my energy and gettin worked up over wats been done. i guess i just hv to be brutal. in a loving way of course because after all they gotta learn. respect for ppl's things.

on another note, enough of the frust kinda realised while writtin i'm pretty dwellin on it and cant quite carry on frm the last sentence. anyway update.

i guess this past few wks hv been kinda testin. not for myself but for my frens ard me as well. esp my bunkmates. 2 wks of outfield and another one to come, sometimes sittin in the middle of the forest sleepin on a bed of flatten undergrowth, shrubs and grass, i begin to wonder n think why? of all the things i could do now why this? speakin to my bunkmates and platoon mates and company mates, all i can feel are sentiments of reluctance and just goin through their term of service. It makes me wonder why?

but yea i thank God tat somehow i found a spark in me to kp goin. its funny lar, before every activity or after any meal i'll be lethargic and sleepy and even durin safety briefs to stay awake also kinda difficult. as they say fightin the Zzz-monster. BUt yea somehow durin the activity there is energy to just go on. ANd yea m on my final wks and just 2more things to clear....soc and this comin wk's outfield exercises.

wells honestly i reli hv thoughts runnin, yet cant seem to catch em or just say it. cant even pen it becoz of the time factor. oh wells still keepin faith and prayin. i guess i reli wish ppl could see things frm others perspective and not dwell on their own things but to just make do with wat they hv for the day and try to bless others. but yea i gotta learn to understand as well dat not everyone will think as i am. not sayin i'm a gd example of it... but yea i guess as much as i wanna be heard, i still dun mind hearin abt others lives...

oh wells enough of yapping. reli its been splendid livin day by day not knowing wat to expect and day by day talkin to the floor and running like crazy and doin drills and pronin and crawlin. I guess in the end of the day its an experience one can hold.

He brings the vinegar
And pours it down the tube
out comes the fumes
liquid magma spews
it flows down crimson
engulfing the steep contours

he is delighted after the eruption
for the experiment was a success