wats new?

been 11 days since i last wrote in an entry, though the fever is gone been coughin non-stop and phlegm kps comin up now and then and since i don't hv the luxury of spitting out the phlegm wherever i want i just swallow it for convenience sakes.

the past wk many things hv been playin in my mind. yet admist all the adaptation adn stuff, not being 100percent is somethin i hv to get used to. I realise my reaction and processing timing is slower than usual and during my times of sittin in the bunk my mind paces through on the anxiety of wat lies ahead. Day by day is an ordeal for me. The motivation of the first three mths seem to hv dried up and somehow i just find myself caught up with the situation i am in. yet in my mind i noe i just hv to go on. In life we dont get wat we want and we hv to still make to with watever situation we are placed in.

Although i've been able to clock up the most number of hrs of sleep in 1 wk, somehow i just cant seem to utilise the rest and the strength. I'm in a way frustrated of my current health condition. Gee. WEll honestly time is somethin really precious now, just to get this com to work took abt 4hrs b4 the system could run normally. I havent had a warm meal since my book out and my head is pacin on the things which i shd hv completed 2wks ago. I know on my part I hv some blame to it. BUt like all things i've been through I just hv to suck it in and move on and hold on to the hope that i frm the start of the yr have held on to.

HOneslt i did feel dat this is a pt in a yr whr I hv to just kp walkin a path shrouded in uncertainty and to always draw strength not just frm myself but frm a greater source. Probably I've grown empty and need a recharge, yet in my heart I feel tat its never enough dat as soon as i recharge everything is sapped out frm me.

to say the least, this easter production is really somethin i'm getttin to be frustrated abt, though we all hv good intentions i realised tat as far as professional as i try to be, i feel tat i can only offer this much of help to them because I know my role is only this far and most of the prep work and stuff is done by others and if i were to voice out my grievances i know i'd be upsettin ppl ard me. Therefore in my prayers I've just prayed tat God remove this feelin in me and remind me tat its not me who will make this production work. As much as i want it to be the best, I know I alone cant do it. ANd i pray tat the actors down to even the crew understand the seriousness of this. but yet the production is far frm perfect, yet i hv to understand tat not many are professional actors and of the sort and most of the time we take it lightly tat the basics of this field is abt reaching out and drawing out tat feeling and certainty and privellege to be able to do somethin maybe we hv never done b4. As much as I hv pessimism in me, I pray the Lord just work it out and yes time is of the essence and i know i play a role in this as well. Pray the lord tame my pride and humble myself and use me in this piece. As much as I want to do this I am weary at how things may end up wrong.

Which brings me to this thought, how is my relationship with Him? I realise tat the water pot will dry up if we stop filling ourselves with Him daily and as i look back on this wk, wat hv i been sowin into tat pot in me? i've found no time to journal nor read and even if i do hv time most of the time its to prepare for wat lies ahead. as much as I want consistency in my life i also need tat strength only He can give. honestly whr i am is reli a place whr if i dun set my mind right frm the start i may end up just losing it. as much as my body is weakened by the sickness of wks past and of another health prob i shall not disclose here, i pray daily tat God heal me. because i m weary tat i may not see another day to experience his love and mercy. even if i dun get to see it i will hold in my heart the words he spoke to me 2yrs back. promises of God. it will always ring. it has always been ringing. the problem is tat we let other things ring in our heads tat we forget wat it was that was ringing at the first place.

i really hv no strength left. and as much as i want to complain and give up, my will just and this voice in me just eggs me on to persevere and kp on. As much as my body aches and my coughin is uncomfortable, wat else can i do but hang in there till the day of rest arrives. There will always be hope for those who want it. ANd i do want tat hope.

"there are a thousand reasons why i should give up, but i'm stubborn in the things i believe."

as much as i'm tired of the things happening and to happen, everything in its time. and pls dun dl the song frm my server and buy her album.

through the sickness...

slow recovery frm my up and down fever ordeal(includes a bad cough and a nose tat wants to run a marathon). I know some may think me foolish of not visitin the doc esp since medical care for me is free if i go to a polyclinic. But i know i'd be perscribed the normal brown colour cough syrup, if not some steroids? and probably those white flu pills and panadol(lots of it). Then since i've been havin this fever for 3days maybe he'd give antibiotics. Oh wells mum says ride out one more day(and if it still is bad doc tomolo) and the panadol hot remedy does work in someway, brings my fever down by 2 degrees all the time then after dat it rises. Oh wells realised dat i cant reli focus my mind so much and do the things i really wanna do. BUt yea decided today to do work and really get goin. Time is sure not on my side but i guess tats wat makes it exciting.

On another note, really seeing my 2 bros desperate to do somethin with their lives... Prayin for em tat God just does somethin and dat they'll really do somethin with their lives... Oh wells committin it all to Him i guess.

The saddest thing this wk was tat i couldnt do my exercise regime or get into my planned routine, but oh wells I jus thank God dat I can spend more time with my bros and get rest>?
WElls i know i'll be missin lotsa outings, my platoon is meetin later this afternoon but i guess m turnin em down, i do miss those guys, and my company. OH wells off to the stuff to do...

Somehow i guess the moment i picked up the guitar today this words came to mind with a tune. Wells i guess to some extent its kinda juvenile. But am just thankful for outlets like this. WElls words will be words. HOnestly the tune is abit fast paced and emo i guess hahas oh wells... Just thoughts in a tune like manner...

If I said everything inside?
Would You run away and hide?
Hide away from the truth that hurts…
I am living a life of shame
Always taking all the blame
Blaming who the man I am

Yet You gave me the will to understand
And hold on to that hope
I’m ever grateful

For the love that You have shown
All the things You have bestowed
I am undeserving For a Sinner I am
Its not tears that you desire
Or offerings placed on a fire
But a broken spirit and a heart so helpless Lord

Yet You changed me from what I was before
And gave me a life renewed
I’m ever grateful for Your death on the cross
For if not for You Lord
For if not for You Lord
I’ll be lost

Lost forever Lord….

If I said everything inside?
You won’t runaway and hide?
You opened up your arms Lord
Reaching out to me
You are the life the truth the way
In all these words I place my faith
Faith in What You have done for me…

Thank God for singers and music. Been listenin to songs i guess to somehow just to tune out and relax and somehow I just couldnt stop listenin to this album and particularly this song. Wells probably its the lyrics or the singer itself, but honestly I could relate to every single word of this song and i guess if i had any other choice i'd use it as my blog entry and reli thank this singer for such an upliftin song... So wat i'll do is highlight the lyrics and explain why i guess it moves me...



E V E R Y T H I N G I N I T S T I M E
Written by Corrinne May Ying Foo & Carole Bayer SagerCopyright 2001 Corrmay Gourmet Music (ASCAP) / All About Me Music adm. by Warner Tamerlane Publishing Corp. (BMI)

Sometimes I wonder what lies ahead
How long till my hunger is fed
They say it's hard to make it in this part of town
So many people on this merry-go-round
Some folks try astrologySome turn to crystal balls
To find an answer, To get through it all
I just fall on my knees and I try to pray
In the silence I can hear Him say

The river runs and the river hides
Out to the ocean and under the sky
I promise you, the answer will come
Hold on to patience and watch for the sign
Everything in its time

I often feel like I'm two steps behind
Somebody must have moved that finish line
There are a thousand reasons
Why I should give up
But I'm stubborn in the things I believe

The river runs and the river hides
Out to the ocean and under the skyI promise you, the answer will come
Hold on to patience and watch for the sign

'cause maybe there's another plan
One I still can't see
A little surprise, like your love in my life
Funny how time changes how we see

The river runs and the river hides
Out to the ocean and under the sky
I promise you, the answer will come
Hold on to patience and watch for the sign
Everything in its time
Everything in its time

wells i guess sometimes we tend to take things too hard on ourselves and because of the situations we are currently in. ANd yea sometimes its hard for us to understand why things happen as they are. And sometimes when we forget, GOd just finds a way to remind us that He still has us in the palm of HIs hand.

I guess one thing I'm learnin is dat life is never easy(it never was since JC started), and its through the tryin and difficult paths in life dat one will get more fulfilment and meanin out of it. Humanist in the way i say it but i suppose more meaningful if one knows that God will see him through the storms to come. Its just a phase and who knows wat path the Lord is leading me to. I've been prayin abt my future and God showed me a piece of it, and has shown me an openin, and has left it to me to seize it. ANd I guess a prayer request is tat God get rid of the slothfulness in me and reli show me wat to do. I know buildin a portfolio isn't easy, and i hv yet to find out wat a video portfolio is lar. BUt anyways I know tat time isnt on my side and I hv to reli do it and not just say and say because the actions i do will speak for itself.

ANd i pray tat i get the motivation and discipline. Been reli shown how God is workin ard me and how he brings ppl to encourage me. somehow am reminded of how GOd used birds to minister to the tired elijah, bringin food to him and his necessities.

oh wells here's a line frm one of her songs dat i guess is a prayer for me,

help me to see everything fall into place...
wake me frm dreamin no more deceiving break this chains...

HOw much more assurance do I need? :D




yea.

feelin pretty low this past wk. Kinda accelerated i guess when i booked out and saw the big picture. If i appear grouchy and snap pardon me for being like dat. Its just me when i'm in a mood. I try not to, but i guess we all hv our days?

Its the first time this yr i'd say i find it difficult to smile. ANd be free frm the problems tat are ahead of me. And do u see tat i've alr highlighted the big problem? The thing is i've come to understand wat it means when ppl say dat we focus on our problems more than wat we can do abt the situation we're in. And i guess the result of tat was the wk tat just went by...

lack of motivation, lethargy and prolly idle thoughts which made me fall into temptation and succumb to my struggles. HOnestly it doesnt feel good to know tat i've done this and ended up like this. But then again i'd say tat this guilt is just one of the tools dat he wants to use to make me feel horrible and useless. And to add on to tat, home doesnt seem as green as i thought it was a wk ago.

But i suppose GOd is good, tat in moments whr i reli need tat encouragement He sends ppl to minister unto me. To lift me up when i'm literally sinkin in to this feelings. And its just amazing tat i can even say tat the ppl who talked to me today reli make me wanna just throw away all feelings and hold onto the promises He has given. And there was one who moved me to tears tat i could see tat GOd will make a way. Honestly i would hv crumbled alr. I would hv hated the person who is typin this right now. But tat is not how God wants me to be. The wk tat passed probably is God puttin me through trials, and showin who I am reli inside. The inner things tat He isnt pleased with. Dat how i hv compromised and how I hv unconcsiously entertained the sin dat I myself am not proud of.

But even so I'm thankful tat He even gives me this verse to assure me tat I'm still His!

PS37:23-24
The steps of a good man are ordered by the lord: and he delighteth in his way. Though he fall, he shall not be utterly cast down: for the LORD upholdeth him with his hand.

wells away frm me. I guess many of us may feel like life has taken it toil on us. Like the worse has happened to u tat u've come to the end of the road. I know tat there is a problem in my bros, tat there are matters in their life tat needs to be addressed and maybe they are still searching for tat somethin. Tat somethin tat many of us need to satisfy this emptiness dat we all hv, sometimes. And it occurs to me tat unless opportunity comes i cant do anythin unless the one who is suffering is willing to be helped. And i'm prayin for opportunities and tat God kp watch over them and open up their hearts.

i guess with time movin so fast i've somehow seen how frenships can dissipate, relationships crumble, hearts broken and people changin. Even as i think of my past relations, friends and the condition of my heart, i've realised dat i myself am not free frm this, it shows especially among my brothers n some of my relationships. I guess its just the times? Or it may be distance? Or it may be somethin tat has happened among ourselves? Grudges, personal dislikes? effort? inhibitions? selfishness? and so on...

ANyway shan't harbour on those thoughts now. will write tat down when the time comes. BUt reli sometimes even relations among ppl whom u kp and uphold in prayer tears me apart sometimes seeing how we treat one another... and i noe i myself am not free frm this.

but i guess this past wks i've been seein my attitudes towards these issues unfold and God is reli showing me slowly. As in: in watever i do wherever i go, regardless of situations, GOd is in control. Though i forget HE will always remind me like he did not so long ago. Even in relationships among brothers and sisters, and in relations to come tat will last till i die, its all in His hands.

waking up

i would say i can look at my results in 2 perspectives, horrible or enough to get me into somethin i wanna do. I believe every time i collect my results its really a humbling experience, though i never got an A or aced subjects i thought i would, i realised whr my incling(calling) lies? but reli the feelin of seeing my grades as they are initially was just like a truck running at 50km and knocking me head on. It was as if the moment i got my result slip frm my class counsellor was like at that moment i was branded in the eyes of everyone a failure, hopeless. I just couldnt speak, i lost all speech and thought and like i couldnt even breathe. So i fled and regained myself as i met ppl, firstly my juniors one of em an og member of mine but mostly him. I guess specifically at that moment in time i din noe wat to do, whether i could even enter a local u or wat. But i guess at that moment specifically and moments later on i'd say God used ppl to calm me down and affirm and spur me. AND I suppose i'd rather not dwell on the why i din do well but rather look at it this way, hey i got just enough to get into a course that I want and its in line with somethin i wanna do in future. ITs at least an opening right? ANd more or less I am sure that it is the door to take.

It would have been nicer if my grades were of course nicer, but yet i have enough. I noe i'm not a scholar, and probably the so called success this world calls will come later and tat i'd just hv to work a lil harder. BUt i'd say i still hv to plan my actions b4 the dateline is over. Yet the more i think abt it the more i understand that yea God is really in this. I wont reveal my plan yet. Just gotta jot it down and put it into action. SO yea if ur gonna ask me my results ask urself why u r askin me? Does my cert really define who i am?

But one thing struck me when chattin with my stoner sis... it was this line tat she said dat "if my grades are lousy and i still slack and play, i will think poorly of u"... (not reli the quote itself but somethin along those lines)

its sobering. Yet its an opportunity. HOnestly i m havin a personal vendetta right now. BUt with good intentions. ANd somehow i've told myself i would not talk to any of my teachers who taught me until i've gone somewhr. Ok maybe i m abit extreme, but right now i reli need time for myself. BUt dat doesnt mean i'm gonna forget wat u've done, but overall my A' level experience is just another chapter in my life. I may not hv the A's to show it, but i guess in the coming days i hv to do wat i hv to do in order to get to the course i want.

Ultimately here are the things i'm happy about:
1. I'm officially an A'level graduate(hv a full cert)
2. I just got the minimum to enter the course I want!
3. I din fail a single subject!
4. I think slowly I've been prepared for this?

But in all things i'm rejoicing yet I know its far frm over but i hv to press on! Thanks for all the prayers ppl, and i guess there is nothing new abt being branded this days, i guess wats new is to re-invent how ppl see you. My grades may reflect badly on me this i noe, yet I noe dat that is not the only thing tat counts.

hahas, i'm just goin in circles. so here's my prayer dat i come up with an action plan and also to manage my finances well so dat i hv enough to cover my tuition expenses in future. And probably look out for doors whr i can apply for a study grant or something?

Me aside, i guess my brothers and I r reli a special lot. I guess my elder bro has realised somethin and i learn frm him and am inspired by wat he said last nite as we battled it out on our lan network. He chose to run frm all this, but it came runnin back to him and slappin him in the face. My younger bro to is in a lurch for applyin to poly. And I'm thankful for one thing, after all being brothers may be the best thing tat can happen to us and with wat we hv i guess probably this is one way of drawing us closer to wat we want?(ok not sure wat i'm sayin but reli i guess if i dun get into the course this yr prayin that i do so i can serve my ns in peace yet i noe if i dun it gives me more time to do up my portfolio but yea for once i can see our common interest in our lives and the potential tat we want to achieve. I guess this is a lil prayer tat one day the 3 of us will get somewhr together.) Just gotta dream, and like nike, just do it. And i suppose i always hv to rem tat watever it is I owe it all to God for the situation i'm in right now!

And yea just gotta do it :)

time...

a person told me before tat the life i will be havin this yr would be one whr every second and every minute counts and that there would be no TIME for anything. Wells i suppose I can prove tat person wrong by sayin tat i m blessed with a lot of TIME. Time for wat? wells i guess either than normal trainin routine, recent wks and days i'd hv about blocks of TIME to just journal down thoughts, read, think, pray... I'd say most would say tat we'd be too tired to do anythin after trainin, true yet i guess nothing beats writting down thoughts in my head? wells i guess TIME is really somethin we hv to treasure. Well i dont deny tat there are times when there is no time to do much except bathe kiwi boots and slp, but in times when there is really nothin wats there to do?

i'd relate yesterday as an example, the whole day no trainin, just rain. My bunk mates and I were happy but when it came to the time for ourselves I realised dat there was really ALOT of time and my mind was pacing on wat to do. BUt yea for tat 2whole hrs i did quite a lot of things...

And I suppose our concept of TIME is defined by wat we feel is impt at that moment. ANd also its how we use the TIME dat is given to us. So if we say we don't hv time i guess we don't blame TIME but ourselves the stewards of our own time.

That aside, wells good news! I'm okays...voice back to normal thanks to those prayin for me. Wells i guess the only irritation is my sinus hahas, gettin pretty active now and every 10-15min i gotta blow my nose hahas, but i guess dats all part of the life i'm living.

Wells A's are comin out today. Trust. Tats all I'm holdin on to. Regardless of the result i'd just Thank God for it because I noe tat its all in His hands. And i did durin my quiet times debate with myself if it was a tough front i'm puttin or its reli a trust? WElls i found the answer. And yea nothin will move me. BUt i guess I shall see for myself.

To all those goin, my platoon mates and frens etc... I pray u all get wat u wanted.