its only the beginning...

i can sense somethin incredible shall start...either than answering to why i did so badly in my mids and convincing others of my credibility and stuff, i shall decide to stop all the talkin and just start the doin...though sch is at a break and everyone is celebratin...i aint got dat mood to coz its just not rite coz according to sources prelims are in 2mths...so technically gettin my act together will be doubly as difficult than the last mth...plus the finishin of the maths syllabus...and yea i need help in my math badly..someone to poke my butt and nag me to practice and monitor me...dats only for math i suppose...econs and chem...i noe them...love it...not enough prac so i'll just do it...but b4 this whole grand sayin...

i decided i hv to get organised...and start the plannin...cant just say say say and end up ruinin it and stressin over nothin...

and the funny thing this mornin was my convo with my mum durin breakfast...while munchin on my banana nut crunch...i told her...dun expect too much frm met his mids...and she says why?...and i went... er...well...i wont do well...and then with a tone of love she just says u hv not been studyin hv u?...and she asks me wat m i gonna do abt it...well i just told her wat i m tellin this place...get organised...and wat a timely break to get on track and play the underdog...

well this is the prediction...i'll be in fire...but i guess i must get ready to face it aye? and yea ans to my mentor...so b4 he asks me for a reflection i'll just give him one i'll write down and prepare when he walks up to me on dat day or just put it in his pigeon hole first day of sch?...well who noes...anyway i can expect the consequences and i m just at peace to be able to face em...coz yea wat else can i do? run?

anyway my pt is i m gonna mean wat i say...i noe i rarely do...and i noe i dun even hv the capability to do so...but yea i noe although it seems i am...i'm not alone in this...

anyway was showerin just now and suddenly this popped into my head...

it was abt a boy who wouldnt want to own a pet again or let his heart be attached to anything. Sadly this was becoz the boy couldn't cope with the fact tat he had just lost his pet cat a few yrs back... his cat was a marvelous creature and also a marvelous find...when he was young he used to follow his dad along the back alleys feeding the cats...on a particular trip there, his father told him not to enter but wait outside the alley way...

confounded as to his father's actions the boy just followed in after his father...to his bewilderment he found his father bent down upon a lifeless creature...it looked as if a garbage truck had run over tat poor thing...being a boy of only 8 he didnt quite understand this concept of life and death yet...and he asked his dad, "wats goin on dad? why is it like dat? why is it covered in red paint?"...and his dad answered him..."boy the poor thing is just sleepin and it doesnt hv much strength anymore...

suddenly out of nowhere they heard faint cries,somethin was there, it was calling or more like cryin out for someone...the cries grew louder and without noticiin the presence of the 2 strangers it went next to the lifeless body tuggin at it hoping it would respond, it went to whr it used to suckle expecting to taste the liqourice of its milk...hopeless it just stood there wondering as the boy did...

taken by the sight of the poor creature, the father said to the boy, "lets take this poor creature home..."

and dat was the beginning of the great friendship of the boy and his cat...but unfortunately 4yrs later...some saddist catnapped it and sent it back to him in a shoe box...dead...with its throat slit...and he was only 12...horrified at the sight of the creature he had raised, cared and loved, he fell flat on his knees feeling a feeling he never felt before...like a gaping hole it had left him...empty was his heart now...he was lost...it was as if his only pillar was gone...he couldnt stand now...



shall just stop there...hahas i noe its incomplete...b4 i get too into it...it may end up borin u guys...its still open for continuation...but i guess m kinda spent alr..yea..

i'm a waffle...

i nvr was able to bring myself yesterday to say stuff here. firstly had a convo with char and the topic was guys and gals. one insight was that guys are waffle headed(probably becoz of the isolated spaces they r made of) or like a storeroom with different moving boxes(u noe the types u use when ur movin hse)... why i wondered and now i finally see the picture... its amusin but kinda true coz yea when guys think they r in a box. everythin they see and do would be accordin to this box... so dun blame a guy if he's just so fixated on his probs and stuff... he's in his box and doesnt see beyond it and doesnt seem to connect the other boxes together.

secondly char mentioned gals think like sphaghetti...linking everythin up well since i m no gal i cant reli describe it for myself but yea gals and guys think differently...and guys handle dun open up as easily as gals coz reli gals can just rattle and rattle coz dats their nature whr guys need like hermit crabs need to feel safe before comin out so if u bombard him with qns he just wont come out coz he'll probably feel intimidated by the qns...oh wells i guess there's still alot to learn there...

anyway i'm probaly stuck in a box rite now so dont blame me if i just look dazed and all...and also my health is at its worse now...hahas cant believe they r actually gonna monitor me for the nxt wk or so just becoz i went to jb...i guess i m like this due to the 30 days of not sleepin or havin less than 3hrs of slp...i cant sleep at 11 anymore...and when i got out today i came home sufferin frm a migraine caused by the days stress i suppose...anyway the only comfort i can get frm all of this is dat 2more days it'll be over and revision for the A's start... i noe i din make up to wat i said its my fault so i dun blame anythin else...i noe it'll be difficult for the teachers to believe me as i guess by tat time my credibility may be at its lowest but even so i'm getting out of this box after this 2days... or start crawling at least...they may give up on me...they may spite me...they may pity me...but i noe i wont let myself down another time...and yea this indeed isnt a good testimony to begin with...but i'll just go down right frank abt it...i'm in deep trouble... i noe my dad and mom will find this opportunity to nag and all not as if i've heard enough for the past wk over issues not concernin me...but i wont run away like they are now...i'll just accept it...take my com away for the nxt 4mths...probably dats the best way...kill the tv...and make it like some military institute...discipline...but i guess if it doesnt start within...then none of this changes will change...if others can why cant i? even the slackers in my class i m confident will make it through this midyrs and probably just scrape through with their God given talents...i noe i m probably not as talented...but i enjoy all this learnin but not the tests so wat does tat make me? hahas...

anyway an interestin sayin my dad said durin our sunday sch discussion... "dun believe a guy if he says i love you, believe him only if he says i wanna marry u!" how true it is in just one sentence tat the thing abt commitment can be seen coz ultimately when u get into such things the aim is to settle down and if ur not prepared to do so just dun...wells i guess at home things dun seem to be settlin down...bros dun appear to be comin clean with anythin...dad fumin even more...how to live in such an environment...well its not abt me anyway...i guess i'm just gonna be home...and just be there and hope tat everythin will turn out fine...if not...i guess its all part of growing...and probably its abt time i slow down for now...

july july is comin...and i'll be 1/5 of a century...welcome to the ty's...hahas dats wat my mom said on joel's b'day...oh wells wat does this month hold? excitement...probably everyone will tone down their studyin since mids are over...i noe tomolo is a foregone conclusion...hahas...but i wont go down without a fight! and yea after all it's the A's ainit?

m_ss__g

i realised that a simple blog can contain so much info abt the whereabts of my 2 dear bros...

call it hot news or wat i nvr read such explicit details and juicy news in my life...i never dare to even talk abt such thing out in this world wide web coz reli i hv a negative perception of this place and of course of my negative thoughts tat im slowly gettin myself out of...anyways ladies and gentlemen due to my fast paced life i reli missed alot of developings at home...somehow wat i read explains the late nites and probably something tat was lost at home...i do wonder whr u got it? all for dat gal? and not only tat were u lying tat u were sleeping at ur frens place? or ur "frens" place? oh man as a person who is cunnin as u, u hv to cover ur tracks but wat shd i say? shd i blow it all out?

well the news is this...my elder bro according to red is seein someone...gosh...tats why this sudden urge to write it here...dun believe it read reds blog somemore his gf and my elder bros one click!...its so explicit and it just sums up wat he has been doin...geee...hai...i miss em yet they kp on doin this and its reli hurtin my parents...how would they react when they read metaphoricnonsense...oh wells the time is comin when things will just blow up back home...

it makes me wonder...when ur heading down one road speedin so fast knowin it may be the wrong way...u'll just say its ok dun bug me this is my way to go...well i'm takin a while to make that u-turn...and yea probably i hv some unfinished business with myself...and i guess according to someone its ppl's choices...cant condemn them...just gotta love em more...coz they cant change for u...only u can change urself...i miss my bros...but i reli dunnoe wat to do when they live a life so wild...and why is it dat joel and i just stay home...well we all hv our consequences to face aye...and prolly its just part of a bigger plan tat moulds us into who we are to be 10yrs down...

anyway i've been receivin emails abt relations recently...and yea somehow it kinda irks me why such words are easily said but reli hv no meanin...i mean things like friends forever...best frens...i care for you yada yada yada...it touches...but i guess its all in the doin dat counts...anyway dats all for now...i wouldnt say i m in shambles and yea ur right and i'm not angry or wat...and i noe this is another excuse but i was just in one of my inward lookin moods...and i guess i hv to say it, things are gonna be diff for sure and yea i guess i'm crawling back into my shell of self consciousness...wells i noe no one can do anythin abt it...even me...

but i guess i'll leave it all to You...

who is You...

anyway food for thought...who are those tat mean more than us back home? think abt it if ever u drop by red...i appreciate everythin u've done but i pray u just come clean with wat ur doin...happiness with her maybe temporal pleasure and all but when the next storm comes will tat pleasure pull u through it all? i may not be an expert but reli ur runnin too fast...and if ur lifeclock stops at 70 do u think pleasure will take u all the way there for the next 50+yrs? how long can u hold when u disregard ur father and ur mom? u love her mom more than ours? u can depend on ur own income now? prob u robbed us huh? this are just thoughts red and they are racin real fast...u can sense it in my eyes when u see me i noe u do...ur not heartless afterall...u may boast the looks of the hottest guy ever...but reli r u dat hot within? this may sound as if i envy u bro but no its just qns i've not entertained till i dropped by ur metaphoricnonsense...i hope u drop by here....

and i pray i dun explod again like i did to jono and cause another rift coz now reli i m concerned whr ur path will take u and its not only me...and i wonder when the worse happens...will u be alright? will u lose urself again? n i noe u've been through pain b4 but this time it's gonna be only worse...and i pray when tat time happens u turn to the right person...whoever is rite i guess only God noes...and u noe i cant fade frm ur life bro...ohana...it means family, and family means no one gets left behind...and i pray u wont...

_A_d_

i guess i've never reli spoken abt dreams...

i dreamt last nite tat my old sec sch hockey team united one day and went into one big tourney... there was sahmad, of course my lil bro, adam, alloy, hafiz and many others. in my dream the feelin of playin the game was back the vision of the goal in front, the crisp passing... sweat drenched feelin after mins of chasing the ball and of course the euphoria of scoring a goal...but nothing beats the undescribable feeling of team... wat it is i myself cant say... its just dat feeling...

there was also this x-rated dream where i thought i was in one of those movies... well wont describe it thoroughly or else some horny guy/gal/pervert will start wishin i had more...hahas just dream on dude/ette...and its not tat kind of thing... i noe wat u may be thinkin midnite surfin hor? anyway its just a dream...

and once there was this dream i lost ppl...who they were well i can recall once it was my bros... i guess in particular there was this dream whr 2 of my bros died in a cruise ship as they fell overboard...hmmmm ohwells...

wells wats the whole pt aye? dreams are probably reflections of ur inner self conscience? there are probably many things we may never think of but do in our dreams...

why is it I hv to go on this way
down a monotonous path
littered with negativity all day
it bores me to death when i think of this
nothing more than a raindrop can convince

why is becoz i'm waiting
for a sign that will never come
call me a fool coz i finally see
my desire...

i'm an inward looking fool
searching for an inner sign
digging forever
to a bottomless pit

i'll never grasp it
for i never reached out
i'll never see it
coz i never looked out

i'm an inward looking fool
waiting for my own demise
days on days in
it has been staring at me

how could u hv missed it
coz u never thought it would come
i'm an inward lookin fool
who thought was wise but never did...

i noe i cant do this on my own
wrench me out coz i'm not alone
foolish ways i dont desire
to lose myself within this mire

faith alone not words like this
is wat can free me from within
nothing more nothing less
Lord i bow down to this test

free me now less i die
devoured by the devils inside
i noe a fool like me
deserves no grace

and can it be that i shd gain
an interest in Your love?
that not me who shd die
but you for me?

i can never fathom
i cant find out
lest i become tat fool
i was once

things are different
something happened
and i wont be tat fool anymore
but a fool i will be just for You...

for the world will never know
unless i live for you

ps. the song was and is not for long... was once...isn't a reflection...

_t_ b_____ t_ d_....

honestly i m at a loss now... hahas... reli... while everyone is workin hard out there... i m figurin out why i m not?... makes sense? oh wells call it ill discipline or wat but for now let me be... prolly after all this lingering somethin will just come out... i noe i m not smart... neither stupid... but oh wells... life's more than this i guess and yea i guess my home needs to start being one...

anyway i suppose one way or another i just cant let myself down although i m tryin to tell myself i hv to persevere... i guess its abt time i start lookin out for myself abit more than i hv coz all this while i've gave in to others far too easily and yea it may be good but i guess its abt time... call it a revival...

honestly, reality is setting in... i may be fine... but its just a thin line... a meer thin line... oh wells... strength nothin like it... i m fearing now...

_'__ __ _______! hopefully....

___ __ ___

i wonder why i come back to this place... i wonder why i choose to even say all this... i even wonder if anybody reli bothers with the things i say... and i wonder why i say wat i say becoz its always the same...

but reli...

i should stop

somehow i feel i cant reli tell much of wat goes inside... matters tat reli concern the heart... coz whr ur heart is there lies ur treasures...

probably u all might think i m some religious person so dwelt on it n a failure at living it... probably tats just the evil one whispering sweet nothings to me...
but reli somethings wrong with this world!
something is and sometimes we want to avoid the qns to it...
prob its too deep...
too hurtin....
might give u much of a headache....

its not abt me anymore....

a lesson i m learnin tat i cant be always running.... coz in the runnin i will definitely miss alot of things... and yea i guess i m still runnin and i dun see myself slowin down soon...i guess its a choice a phase and as a result we cant run this race...(figure of speech)

anyway i dun wanna be this way wallowing without any confidence... robbed hopeless faithless anymore...

just ______ __ __ ______

wells....i guess i cant thank you enough....


why....

while walkin i realised dat water and light transcends life...

why...

kicked the gate and realised my foot's sore...

why...

i wish i had a success story whr everyone is happy!

oh wells...

tears never flowed so freely b4...

cheek on hand...

its close to 3am as i stare blankly to this screen... just came back frm a fulfillin time out... spare the details... was with a fren i've rarely had the time to really talk with these days... anyway besides the pt.

i've probably come to a state whr sleep is a myth.... i close my eyes only to be terrorised by my thoughts and my body doesnt give in to the tiredness of the day... now even as i type my mind races... even with closed eyes the poundin my head receives frm the neurons firing nothin more than electron signals intensify... i noe in my mind i hv a long day ahead... but it seems not to want to rest. even as i type idun feel tired.... my mind kps on replayin incidents i dun wanna see or think of v.uneccessary... hai.... i m goin crazy probably... insomniac?

anyway i realised a trait in me recently... i'm a loner by nature... probably i chose to be? but oh wells i shant dwell on dat coz most cases are isolated...

knowin in abt 2-3hrs i hv to get ready for the day... i m now slowly feelin the warmth of this "mornin".... in my worn clothes... i m just wasting... n with a blocked nose and a slight cough, who noes wat will arrive nxt...

ps. dun get alarmed... i'll be alright... i'll survive... hopefully... but watever it is my cheeks on my hand watchin as the day goes by... its already 1wk down... wat hv i done?> everyone seems to be workin? watabt me? whr do my goals lie? i shant ans em here... i noe whr it is... but when will i start that which i hv to do? soon? it will nvr come...

discipline...of mind... it starts within... its a cultivated habit... dats wat i lack... how to spread when u dun practice it urself? its subtle hypocricy... i m still thinkin wat it means... discipline of mind.... its sounds simple but wat is it? focus? hmmmm...

help me God... i.mpossible... through u...

time and space its still the same we shall see the outcome of this game...

goin for some enrichment tomolo and the17th... picked up the arts fest brochure... spent on i believe worth it shows... shd plan to spend more on such stuff if i were to learn more abt this... anyway prayer for this time, i guess its health... been having apetite probs... and i feel signs of sickness(a blocked nose when blown mucus of a weird color appears, cough) and sleep and rest and of course discipline of mind... i may hv inferiority complex in the area of my studies coz there are alot of smarties out there and harworkers out there... but i noe in myself i can too... call it a rusted gear... anyway i got my first B of the yr...i'll say it wasnt luck but i feel its a signal of things to come and if i dun start now, it wont... tats all i gotta say and i noe most of u who noe me will say oh man here he goes again... same old speech same old words bla bla bla...nvr reli did wat he says... probably dats the discipline of mind dat i need...

i dunnoe if ppl feel dat once we hv to do it again it'll be cold... does the dream just die there? hanging? and so wat if we got it alr? i guess we cant let it die there... coz its our lives and no matter wat u do it will always be a part of u... and why r some of us so selfish as to not want to share wat we hv? i guess its only human... and like humans we think dat on this road we r the only vehicles on this expressway....but i dun wanna blame em... everyone has their reasons... and i noe dat some will never take this winding road again and prefer a mapped out route on their highway to some destination....but i guess like all cars on the same road, some will definitely take another road...its a turn they made and all we who kp to this road just hv to kp our eyes on the road...and if we were a caravan at least u'll say whr ur goin b4 u take tat turn...

superficial...suspicion...its all ard...who noes... dun read into this too much... its early in the mornin how much of this stuff reli makes sense? n probably this world needs less ppl like me...
gdnight world...

cheek on hand... sighing at the thought of this world ard me...