allow me to contradict. i said wats the pt rite? well m just being random now. i can barely eat anythin without a pain in my mouth. i have theories tat maybe its an ulcer or probably its just my wisdom tooth coming out. its reli painful dat i cant eat solids now. i can still talk though but the pain is as if somethin is tryin to come out.... hmmmm.... oh wells shall see how it goes in a few days. hmmmm one word for today.... wasted.... wat m i doin?
munchin on fried chix and typin with one hand... quite a challenge....well actually was...wells as i was munching the memories of 12 days ago constantly played in my mind...the freshest being last evening's attrocity(dun ask me why but i m just so so -ve abt it)... but oh wells let bygones be bygones. i was just doin a job... but yea it was attrocious beyond reasonable doubt hahas... spare the consolations i'm fine...
anyway i guess i never dared to write much over the past few days coz i felt wats the pt? wat would i get out of it? ppl's sympathy? ppl's attention? why would i wanna say things here and hide behind this entity?
i guess its only human dat we all hv alter egos... different personas every moment, every day. in front of one we show one side, to another the other. i mean no doubt abt it probably i've come to an age where i feel blurting it out in this freaking place is stupid, useless and could be a waste of time. i'd rather just get lost in my own euphoria and not let the world hv a share in it. speak abt selflessness. i m not a gr8 example. i m just some egotistical, testerone charged youth who is dysfunctionally retarded and thinks the whole world is looking at him. v. aptly put indeed.
honestly i wish i was ignorant. at least when i die i knew i din noe and in not knowing i wont feel so bad in blaming someone else for my wrong doing. for instance, my sensitivity, i can sense stuff(well not as good as others but reli its a feeling i cant describe) tat i wish i din. like there are moments when u noe ppl are talkin abt u and they think u dunnoe but somehow u noe and feel they are. often this feelin is true. i aint boasting but reli. but sometimes i can get too-sensitive tat i over estimate and worry for no particular reason. dats why sometimes i believe in ignorance.
one thing i learnt in this 12 days is dat i m reli hopeless... reli... very... unless i change my habits and change my ways and focus on the neccessary, i'd make it. and another thing is dat there is someone up there who is reli watching us. watching over my dysfunctional family no matter how teruk we r. i mean i not only recall the demise of my uncle but also one time when my bro was lying in his puke at the lift area sprawled with his wallet on floor and also the time i lost my wallet. there is reli someone watchin us and i guess out of the 3 cases the most significant one is the 1st. i guess wat made the thing to jam and the thing to drop can only mean its a divine intervention. i mean wat struck me was that after using it on someone it din work as it shd hv. i can imagine the fright of havin one pointed at me n worse when u noe tat wat was suppose to come din come. but oh wells its reli reli amazing and all i can say is dat its pretty impossible it was human error. abt 3 had come out why cant more come out? its rather peculiar isnt it? wells my dad and i did agree dat there was someone there n he was there for a reason.
anyway i guess since i'm being watched i shant take for granted all this and yea at the top i may sound like the ultimate pessimist just leave me be... let me rot in my own self pity. hahas hai... ignore watever i said i dun make any sense to begin with....
i sit here now thinkin... too much i suppose... since dat day i couldn't help but think... even as i listen to this song... it just gets me thinking... the wat if's... the why's? the how's! etc... but i guess wat i reli reli feel now is guilt. i noe internalising this would totally pull me down totally, but somehow i feel tat even if i suck it up and move on, the feelin is reli a let down... i went here and there, read this and dat... the msg is all different... i spoke to some, i sensed the same thing i was feelin in one but still how can i be certain of myself when there is so much uncertainty everywhr?
life goes on i bet... things happen for reasons... and i guess i rem writting in this place dat would it take a death to make me start living life? start gettin my family together once more... it came... it sucks to the core... but wat can i do? life is hard no doubt... life will hv those lil ups but more downs... but then again its those ups tat ppl strive for...tat they reach their end and forget their journey there...
no matter wat happens, wat news we get nxt wk, ppl(u noe who u are my dearest of dearest buddies) we made it there... whether we crumble is all up to us... like on dat staje.... whether we chose to see the landslide or the still standing mountain is up to us... definitely somewhere somehow all of us hv an empty feeling... a feeling tat is not quenched... screw the competition... is the technicalities more impt than the msg we believe in? or did we ever believe at first? did we ever want this? tats why i felt the guilt dat i was responsible... i was the let down... dat i let somethin take over me... but i tried... i dunnoe if anyone saw it? i m not saying i need to let u noe wat i did but who would assure me? i dunnoe but like this journey again its up to us how we write the unwritten...
i m coming to terms with it but i cant help seeing some still there, stuck in that moment... i hesitate to stretch my hand fearing i may be pulled in... but i dunnoe if i did help one or anyone to climb out of it... i noe yet i dunnoe why i m writting this here...
this would probably be the last time many of us will do this thing together... but i guess i still rem my dream... i m still learning... and like u said, u dun wan perfection coz nothing ever is and if everythin is perfect we wont be able to further improve ourselves... if its the gold we were striving for we hv forgotten why we did this...though the outcome will determine wat ppl may think of us... think again... they didnt noe we even did such a thing... but i'd say no matter the outcome, we gotta do this and show the world wat we're made of! but then again must we? is it all abt proving dat we are good? dat we exist? i guess now it strikes me tat its not abt all tat... its abt sharing... giving to the audience a part of us coz this is us... wat we did... we may do... is life... and like life we dun see everything to it and dun noe everythin either...its not abt winning or losing like in sports... coz its easy to see coz they play for glory... but we? is it for eternal glory?
i guess as the days go by, i will come to terms with it... no matter how long this blues may last... i hv to move on. i wont drag my feet no more and feel like the world is on my shoulders coz half the yr is gone... we hv to carry on and leave coz rite now the qn we shd ask is reli... wat are we looking for? Where is it? coz reli wat am i looking for? and where is it?
I am beginning to realise how easy it is I take life for granted. I've never thought that wat I hear and see in the news and the movies can happen just like dat. Though it happened more than 2300++km away. The thought of it is just shocking, traumatizing and hurting to my family and I.
Its rather interesting how many of us can walk out of the front door with no worries at all, having full confidence of a relatively transparent and most importantly capable authority and never thought of the dangers dat surround us. I remember when a teacher of mine spoke to my friends and i about the unpredictability of life with his famous phrase being "nanti mati kerana ice box jatuh"....
well this is how he built up his story, you walk down the block then suddenly u look up and low and behold a fridge drops smack on top of you...
sometimes i wonder wat this means, a death in a family... not natural or accident but by an act so despicable tat it is the lowest form of death one can give to someone. Its not as if he asked for it. Its not as if he caused u harm?
did u even think of the repercussion u may hv caused? U sent shockwaves here. I ask myself why do i feel the way i do? you've just given me another reason not to be proud of the land i came from. A land whr despots like u rule and good men are slain or just give up on a land whored up by its many incumbents, hooligans and citizens who think everyone owes them a living and life is just sitting by the beach, drinking and making empty notions of a euphoria dat wont exist.
but let me qualify myself. i've lived away frm the land i was born. grew up practically with a silver spoon in my mouth according to the stds there. hv a family dat had endured hardship and brought its entire troop here. i spent only a quarter of my life there and i dun even speak the language. i've picked up a foreign language and now live in a country dat gives me something i can believe in. what hv u given me oh motherland? would i hv had an education? a voice? a mind of my own had i not gone away frm you? would i hv a roof over my head and food to eat? and now i hear dat the only line dat connects me with u is being endangered? wat protection can u give to your future when ppl can just walk up ur front door and blow out your candle!
am i proud i just said dat? i guess it makes me reli reli more miserable becoz as a citizen of a country i ought to be proud of the place i come frm. but wat i hear frm dat land of mine is nothing good. whr one step taken equals 2 steps back. whr one means good someone frm one side shoves in the bad. its a big joke my little land of islands. whr the ppl in power equals the ppl who gets richer frm the bribes of the bandits that scourge the land....
i've had many sleepless nites, but i noe my lil kay and A back home would hv more. seeing someone so close being slain unhonorably like dat, i wonder wat feelins kay has now for those who fled away in broad daylight and knowing if not for the protection of the one above and i reli mean protection becoz kay too could hv gone as well as A. and i guess it was just grace dat that guy couldnt go for the second blow tat would hv turn the lights out for the both of em. You may not know wat he would feel 10yrs from now when adolescence takes over and given the love this family has and the amount of love that will be given to him... i pray he grows up knowing tat love no matter wat triumphs watever this wicked world can throw at him. knowing tat there is a much bigger person who is in control. why HE let it happen? it depends how we see it. i see it as danger like some mafia movie. but i guess u reli messed with the wrong family. coz the family u just messed are like the number of stars that see u every nite when u hide and the head is like the sun dat reaches every corner of the earth. i noe vengence is not mine. but i pray dat u who did it will remember and know dat HE saw you. and i'd say kay, i'd be praying for u every day frm now and hope dat one day the justice u wish to happen will happen and dat i'd be there for u in watever way i could. be strong kay, ur in His hands i pray!
i was affected, no doubt i was. i couldnt push anymore than i could coz this drained me, i tried my best and i wont deny tat i could hv done better. but i suppose wats done is done. and i guess i did wat i could do as much as i could given the feelins i had, i tried to channel it but somehow i wish i hadnt heard it... but when i was there i was clear minded and murphy's law had to come in place...but i wont deny i had the best 5mths of my life... wats nxt i wonder? will i ever get another chance?
i'd say the day draws ever so closer that in my moments of thought i think abt wat i do... i fall into lapses of doing wat i did and still am unsure if wat i did was wat i was suppose to do?... if i felt it was right would you agree with me? or will i be penalise for the technichality?... this yrs journey... is totally different than b4... i realise how much deeper i hv to go now becoz i seem so suppressed... i realise dat some of my features are always there( a painful habit of mine dat when u analyse my forehead u see the results of it)... and also knowing tat this is not only abt me...
i wonder sometimes whether i m too diplomatic dat i take out the poison frm the words i say... even the comments i hv may lose its sting by the way i say things... its like i hv no conviction in the things i believe in when i m put in the spot...dats wat i lack now. but is there time to find tat certainty? dat energy to splurge out and overwhelm everyone tat it would bounce off every single person? conviction. my stand. my worry is if anyone is aware.... tat watever they do it affects the person ard them. and i'd say no matter wat ppl say, if they dun get it... i agree we've failed... and i dun wan it to happen tat way... we've gone v.far together... learnt so much... worked so hard... and no matter wat ppl say we can do this....
i cant believe i m so transparent... so easily readible... n i guess i get wat u mean when u said wat u said... and i still rem wat u said tat day... abt confidence... i dunnoe if u noe dat i look up to you and i noe i shouldnt prove to you dat i can coz u puttin me whr i m... u believe i can... and i dun wanna let you down... i do qn myself if i m good enough... but time and time again i let myself down thinkin too much of how, what and why... i havent learnt to just do... do it with certainty... its only a matter of days... and the time is tickin... n i would wanna relish this one chance to put up a performance to remember...
after this...what next? will i carry on with this love of mine? i noe i need to kp on learnin... i wanna kp on knowing how to do wat you do... but m i up to it i qn myself time and time again... i dun think i m dat talented... but if u teach me wat it means to do... then i'll do it...
well for now...its 2 days more.... 2 more days of just letting it go!... and i must remember this is not only abt me... its a bigger picture... i hope those tat r in this know wat is at stake dat its no time of thinkin of comfort, thinkin of me and me... break out of it... take tat step... we are all in this together... think of the times we've sweated... we've hurted... we've cried... rolled ard and fought...and recently bitch slap one another... its this dat makes me believe we can do this...we've grown so lets not hold back...
