positive delusion...

not sayin i dun agree with many motivators today tat positivity is the way to be. But with your nature being negative in the first place, will chanting positive words lift up urself frm whr u are? its easy to say i can. easy to make a plan. it all seems easy. but honestly wat the motivators forget is dat by sayin its simply by being positive means deluding the real problem we r facing. sometimes.

the joy i once had, the positivity i once knew. seems so far from me. i m so affected by wat surrounds me. mostly frm wat goes on at home. little tiny eruptions here and there. and i m hoping my dad and my mom dun run. its just tense at home. super tense. it makes me run to a sanctuary such as this to hide. gone was my epiphany. gone.

hearing ppl preaching positiveness is somethin i really resent. i noe its good. i noe. i've told others too to kp up hold ur head up and look forward. but look at me. i dun even dare to look ahead. i idle away wasting away. losing the time i can find true meaning in life. oh wells. i noe wat needs to be done. but my will to do is lacking.

haiz...dats all i can say. when ur so deluded everything seems the same.

break out!

its not over till i say it is. hold on. dont let go. reach out. flush out. focus.

do i believe?

slap me... i might be dreaming...

remind me...

i m still living...

i noe...

who ever said it would be this easy?...

missing me...

missing YOU...

my take on this subject...

well firstly i'd like to say my emotional state is stabilising and my mind is cooling down after a wkend i wish i nvr had but anyways i guess been pondering wats goin on with me. Why since the start of this yr i never reli got goin? like i noe its an impt yr but i mean among ppl i seem to be fading in some ppl's lives. I seem to be permanently etched into others or so i seem to think dat way. but like its 2 wks till the term closes and at the rate i m goin. haiz. the yr is ending already for me and to make things worse i am reli reli losing out in this race. besides being surrounded by reli smart ppl, i reli reli feel insignificant. even if i can say the best thing i can do is probably to me just mediocre. oh wells i cant help being pessimistic abt myself. probably dats me. i take it hard on myself all the time.

to make matters worse i realise i hv a lot of pride in me. and like now i cant bring myself to forgive my own bro. cant even bring myself to even look at him if he ever comes back. and like the wkend i hv held back tears. tears of shame and bitterness at the person who i am today.

whr was i? they asked. i couldnt answer. i said they were never around but they asked where was i? i was too busy. so how could they be there?

i envy families whr children and parents can share everything. but i guess i cant ask for too much can i? there must be a reason why my family is goin through this. will it take another death to reli set us back to realise dat we reli need each other? i pray not.

haiz.all i can say is dat when the tears flow then only my heart will start to crumble. breaking down those walls of pride tat stand so grand now. bring in the demolition. ransack this pathetic heart of mine. filled with so much fallacy and insincerity and bigheadedness and pride. break me. even if it means to take away everythin ard me. i cant stand being so shallow. so emotionally consumed. this is my struggle i noe.

till the soil. make it soft so seeds can grow...

understand this...

its been 12 hrs since i started bloggin here. cant believe that so much things can happen in 12 hrs...understand this...its not tat i wanted to...i was angry...who wouldn't be...u noe probably you dont that all this while ur rep has degraded to nothing to me...but i didnt mean it...i never did but wats said is said...

there it goes...

i never knew i was so attached to gonnjin.diary-x.com till i realised its fate. Its dead. yes. if u dun believe me type http://gonnjin.diary-x.com and u shall see. i thought it would be saved or some sort. BUT somehow the worse came. Well besides the many templates there and the grt functions dat it offers and all...the worse was losing all those memories...all those words...everything!!! i lost an entire yr of rantings...screamings...unreasonability...confessions...bitchings....
haiz...its a blog... dats wat ppl will say it's just a blog.

BUt its not just a blog...its like 2005 in my own words... gone...lost...i noe many of u will feel the same if blogger crashes one day or maybe hotmail or msn or if a bug wipes out ur entire system in ur com...well although its unpleasant...i gotta live with it i suppose...but reli there is now a void in me...i never knew it would be gone...i never knew it would just go...just like dat...leave me after a yr writting in it...a yr in just pouring it all...i'll miss it...even if diary-x resurects or reappears in the near future...even if i make a gonnjin.diary-x.com again...it wont be the same...not the same...it'd be like "melted chocolate" even if u freeze it again it wont have the same form as the first time u set ur eyes on it...

well i guess its normal rite to react like this? treating such a small thing like it was somethin as close as ur mom or dad or siblings. life is priceless...memories are priceless too...but oh wells...i guess it'll never be like diary-x whr u noe its ur own...

well this teaches me a lot...gotta start backin up my writtings...esp the ones in my com...coz i lost reli good stuff in tat blog of mine...reli good stuff...there it goes....and this is my tribute to you my dear blog...even though you're gone...this wont stop me frm moving on...

"it's like fermented tofu...smells so bad but tastes so good"

yeps...

there it goes...
like a puddle it vanishes in the afternoon sun...
leaving a ground devoid of moisture...
even if we fill it up again it wont be the same puddle again...
but it still lingers there somewhere
up above in the clouds in the atmosphere...
it'll be like the air i breathe in to get me going...
there goes a memory...
something i'll never forget...

yea...take a min of silence...and hopefully by the time u read this line...the song would hv started to play.... :)

i'll be fine...i hope i will be....

Temporal Inhabitance....

Been a week or longer than that since i last posted anything out on this world wide net...i never knew the feeling would be so constipating that in constant time i m not here but deep in my world thinking...thinking...thinking...well my other blog crashed...as in the server there...so apparently till it is up...i'd be using this temporary place...for sometime....

i dont reli know why i m angry
nor why i m so sad and worked up
stressed, tired and frustrated
devoid of emotion i feel unaccomplished
wishing only all was just a dream
its like the feeling of nothingness that engulfs me
i dont know why i feel so horrible
was i betrayed for your sake?
betrayed in the sense you wanted it safe
You broke it...
ANd you leave me here...
bleeding...
bleeding away to the nite...
it was unacceptable...
unforgivable...
undeniable tat wat u did was indespicably
for ur sake...
You broke it...
ANd now i m charged with insanity...
insanity for somethin i richly believe in...
A nite...
not worth mentioning at all....

well dun mind the language...its just some reflections...dun guess...dun bother...coz honestly dont...tats why this world has artists...who believe strongly in wat they do...i guess i hv some fuel to last me and push me on...