knotty...

the longer this yarn of life is spun, the more entangled they become. With mangled thoughts, and interwoven distraughts. in a world where ppl dun see eye to eye, where hearts are never as one, its sad that our focus is not the same...

we desire convenience, we desire everyone bowing down b4 us, we expect to be adhered to and boy do we expect to be heard. What if God took ur voice away? Ruined ur desires and shattered them like clay? What if he dismantled ur authority and bring you down to your knees? What if he made everything so difficult for you? Would you by then accept the fact you were wrong? Would you still thank God for throwing your life in dissarray? When do we end our journey? Its not up to us to decide...

the world sets retirement dates, I can only say my service ends at my death. Sometimes prolly I say this because I dare say it but it'll be my ending if i dun live up to my words. Because I know all men can fail. I've learnt not to trust in men always. For they can disappoint you. they can take a word and break ur heart. ANd i noe i will fail unless I hv God on my side.

I understand we all have to remember our past, but remembering is one, holding on to a past tat has become history is something we ought to let go. The traditions we had held on to will change, because after all it is man's doing. But the message is forever the same. The focus is evermore the same. All this knots have to be untied and let loose. And I noe I cant do it, only God can. The healing can only be through God.

Sometimes I wonder why all this things happen. Why does one brother in the same faith hate another? Why cant we accept a person for who he or she is? Or why is it you turn away when you know I'm in need? Or why do you talk behind my back and stab me and not say it in my face? Why does one spread lies abt one brother and sister? WHy cant friendships be true and innocent? Why are ppl as such? Why am I like this? If ever the world was so perfect, there'd be no need for improvement and renewing of our lives... Sadly it isnt. Sadly everyone isnt. And sadly ppl just grow numb to all this. And all the more enforces how sad it is to depend on humans...coz they will one way or another fail u...

but in God we have victory...and prolly not many will understand wat that means....and I have yet to taste true victory once more... Coz its not abt me or you anymore...

in randomness...

i kinda typed something out last nite, but somehow my com showed its attitude side and just restarted and i kinda got frust over it and just shoved all those thoughts aside and went straight to bed for awhile. honestly i really dunno wat to think abt nowadays. esp with a tight schedule and demands to meet by this wkend. becoz on the 26th i'm off to philippines for a holiday.

but oh wells am not complainin. i'm not doin this for myself tats for sure. and yes i noe there are other things i wanted to do but it seems dat i cant go abt doin em till prolly nxt yr?

its like a rift and day by day it grows ever much bigger...

oh wells.... another knot to pray abt now....

Thai trip 2006 Chiangmai/Chiangrai/Wawi/etc

hofinally able to get my bum off my bed to write here again. Been sick for 3days straight since the last day of the trip. And have been silently reflecting and reminiscing the happenings of the 7 days in Chiangmai. 3 words it was worthwhile.

all the struggle for the 7 days to kp to task was one uphill task that char and our main leader "aunty" ruth had to face. frm the moment the plane lifted at 6.00am S'pore time to the last note played at the Wachi Warit Secondary Sch at abt 8.30am (chiangmai time), it almost seemed that at the rate we were goin everythin was impossible. But I'd say thank God that we pulled through despite the mishaps(well not reli mishaps cant think of better words) tat occured.

let me name a few, for a trip that required a detrimental amt of focus, we were tempted by the cheap and prolly fake goods(but look considerably original and sometimes better than em) that was available at the nearest night market, also with all you can eat buffets that range frm 4dollars to 8 dollars who wouldn't wanna whack the food down and go food trippin for 7days, even the long journey frm chiangmai to chiangrai to wawi village that took a whopping 3hrs plus i think was a struggle in itself as ppl started throwing up here and there. And I think for me the worse struggle was the attitude player that refused to play our music for us to sing and mime and ended up having a mind of its own and play a game of skip the music on the disc. There were many other struggles even before this whole trip began and the 5-6mths endured by our dear leaders is endurance only God could give.

On a whole I think the youth who embarked on this trip learned alot frm one another, i got to noe ppl whom I just see and know exist in church but never reli connected with. Got to understand em better and got to build up bonds btw em. And I hope the friendship doesnt stop there. Coz the fellowship we had was reli something. And I think its true that the feeling that we had up that mountain is all but memories that we all reminisce and wish to hv for a lifetime. As it goes down one thing is that this trip has alr been marked down as history.

Anyway enough of dat now abit on the ppl we ministered to, frm Fri to Sun we ministered to children at the mountain side of Wawi village. Our base for our Vacation Bible School was to be the church hostel (pic below) there which is a 45min winding journey frm the resort we were staying. And the thing abt this place is dat we come in the mornin then for lunch is 30min up to our lunching area. But the rides were cool lar hahas almost every ride included singing and screaming and just plain old silly fun and games...


Our crazy ride up...(anyway sorry for shaky vids...hahas)

our crazy singing on the ride up...

wells apart frm our tryin thai, hahas we did hear them sing the real thing... and i think this is one of my fave listenin to em sing. its been ringin in my head for days lar. The song they are singing is the Thai version of As The Deer. Goes like this lar,

Cit winyaan kha krahaai prajau
Dut dang kwaang nooi krahaai haa nam
Song pen khwaam prathanaa
Heng jit chai kha thii yaa sansen pra-oong

Song pen long kambang thii khaam kheeng
Song pen puu diaw thii khaa rak thaa thuun
Song pen khwaan prathana
Heng jit chai kha thii yaa sansen pra-oong

seeing them sing in the state they are full of voice, is beautiful yet poignant in a way that it makes me wonder wat they are feeling when they sing tat song...

but i dare say tat the amt of joy and fun i think we brought there was beyond anything that could be compared for yrs to come. As in comin at 10 every mornin for three days, givin em attention and havin fun with songs and games. i'd say it was reli a privellege to take part in such a trip. PLus i think in the past few yrs i dun think they've seen tat many kids, on the first day was 31, second was ard 82, and on the final day we were there it was close to a 100. It was really a God send. Coz we din even work the land and they just came probably through the persuasion of their own frens. But overall i think everyone frm the kids up received a special blessing. anyway a few more photos b4 i end. and no more vids less i cant compile em anymore...hahas i think i dun hv to explain em....just let the pics tell the story themselves hahas wells in the process of makin tat vid for everyone and i noe i still owe ppl stuff for vids and stuff hahas gosh...wat a busy christmas wk...

wells, just to orientate u abit, top photo is the kids i took care of and my assistant and u shd prolly noe who're my favs judgin by the photos. The big grp was all the kids and us. And the final one i guess is a pretty significant a pic. Its all of us in action in the sec sch. and i think wats significant abt this photo is tat all we could do throughout the trip is just look forward and despite all the resistance we met, we just took the way that He made...

unsure if i'll post more abt chiangmai. but its just a privellege tat i m in this trip after all... considerin dat i'd be in ns if i hadnt retained and dat furthermore if i hadnt met aunty ruth at all i wouldnt hv this chance to touch lives and be touched as well...hahas so overall i guess nothin is reli wasted. And i guess as our theme song goes, He will make a way for me....

with love and strength for each new day...

undescribable...

somehow i just cant understand myself. that feelin tat just wont come out and i myself cant describe. its there but its not. i dunnoe prolly becoz i'm so focused on the things to come(and prolly take higher priority) tat it seems tat all forms of "distractions" hv been put aside and so on...its good...yet its bad...tats wats weird. its confusing yet numbing...its crazy...

its like i go abt my days as if its the only day i hv and yet the moment i wake up and do my things...its seems dat i've wasted tat day...how fulfilling the preps may be but somehow i feel like i'm in a frozen state...oh wells...

to put it simply sometimes i guess distance kills...silence deafens and longing hurts...i've lost this ability to express tat side of me...prolly its been dead since dat day (hahas)...but its weird...its like i dun seem to want to feel dat way...and like shd i? probabaly dats why i'm like this becoz i just put aside real feelings dat i hv to deal with...

to begin with wat feelins do i hv at all?

oh wells its just undescribable for now...

that aside...had this thought while chattin last nite...

As fellow stoners we are ppl's stepping stones to greatness....

cant seem to complete tat but oh wells u'll get wat i mean i suppose come tomolo...hahas

period of reflection...

its rather interestin how many views differ in this world. and its kinda difficult to set ourselves free frm the clutches of conventional thinkin. or even free frm our own pitfalls...

the song itself is kinda poppish for my likin. abit of r and b jive to it. but oh wells i kinda find the lyrics interestin. its by out of eden and the title is open up your heart...

I can see that you are lost, I've come to find you
Even though you chose to leave and go your way
You thought you'd find more than what I could give you
So I let you go, still I want you to know
I've seen you struggle, I've seen you crying
Seen you do those things you swore you would never do
Your guilty soul has got you slowly dying
What you're running from, you should run to

Chorus:
Open up your heart to me, and I will set you free
Open up your eyes and see, I'meverything you need
Open up your mind and know, I'll never let you go
It won't be hard for you to believe
if you open up your heart to me

You turn here and there for the things to to make you happy
You're on a high but then you crash when those things tear you apart
Your broken heart needs My love that's real, and you will find
A touch from heaven is what will heal, that touch is Mine
You can start again if you....

And if yours does fail you, you will find your strength in me
If you fall or lose your place you'll still be safe with me
Come out of the darkness into light so you can see
I died for you, you must believe, and open up your heart

its kinda interestin aye the lyrics? kinda speaks of how we usually find ourselves stuck in a moment we cant get out and realise dat a solution is out there...and sometimes we chose not to see it run frm it...why not give it a chance?...

We're official!

its official we'll be known as ______(subject to chg) frm now henceforth. therefore fresh from the oven is our instrumental work of eraserheads ang huling elbimbo. still the same one guitar man and the com and me supervisin the technical stuff and joel being the irritatin boy tat he is. for those who missed the previous song island in the sun just click on the song to listen. for now enjoy ang huling el bimbo instrumental by the Editors.
ang huling el bimbo(file willl auto start)





island in the sun(click here after the previous song or stop tat song and listen here. will not auto play)


ps. if there is anyone who has copyrighted the name editors pls tell us so we dun get into a bitch fight with you guys. and we'll gladly think up a name again for ourselves! hv a nice day ppl. and this sat hopefully the vocals would be up. esp with big bro comin back....

pps. just found out tat we cant use the editors...hahas wells frm now its just the 3 of us hahas....

my island in the sun!

when i was suppose to be muggin...my bros and i hahas decided to fiddle ard with the com and come up with our first recordin with many more in store. hahas. anyway everyone is already listin up their to do list after this dreaded exam. wells am just takin a day at a time knowing dat after one and a half mths i'll no longer be a civilian :)

hehe anyways the song is by weezer, adapted by us. done with one guitar thnx to a musical genius of my bro and vocals by my other bro. while i just manage all 2 of em. hahas there is more to come frm us i suppose. esp the hype of makin dat vid we wanna put up on you-tube...

anyways enjoy the song. its kinda raw but bear with it, china can hv their backdorm boys who lipsync, we're just 3 guys in a room who sing and edit our tracks. hahas wells no direct challenge to u 2 guys. anyway yea cant wait to go to my island in the sun...

hv i grown up real fast?

i realised today how sch and "maturing" has killed the boy in me. let me illustrate. wells was havin a study break and my elder bro came back frm camp. so we were channel surfin when we ended up on boomerang. and it was showing yogi bear. u noe that bear who runs around stealing pick-anic baskets and goes hey! hey! hey!...

wells u see my bro who's 24 finds it really really funny. hillarious. and tells me he misses watchin this. at tat instant i go wat the?... in my head i'm tellin myself er... funny??? hmmmm wats funny? seeing a bear given human like qualities square it off with the ranger and running ard wat park? yellowstone park??? and like how logically funny is it to see a bear carryin a bottle of pepper and why is a bear afraid of a dog and a friend to a duck??? i was like.... rite....

wells it hit me...probably i've killed dat "boy" in me. the one tat enjoys such "comedy".... hv i grown up? or am i just being petty tat this sort of entertainment dun satisfy me... i bet some of u ppl out there may agree dat wat we used to like when we were lil troops i.e runnin ard crazy and tryin not to miss a singel cartoon tat has bugs bunny or the jetsons and wat not(if u din i wonder wat kind of a childhood u had? hmmm stuck to books of arithmethic and the encyclopedia? or just no childhood at all.... or wat generation were u frm?) is not quite the same now i guess... as in the cartoons i like to watch hv a more mature theme and no more road runner or speedy gonzalez. practicallly laughing at violence laden pictures of humans depicted as animals.

hmmm come to think of it...i think too much... as in if life were simple i'd get the picture. but all this just makes the picture much more complicated than it seems. gee. but reli i still wonder why is yogi bear funny?

oh wells prolly i'll steal myself a picnic basket to find out...hey hey hey....

here we go...

here we go....

watever we can do just do i guess. whether we get slaughtered by pieces of papers and ink...its reli in our hands i suppose. so i guess to all those peeps takin this dreaded exam, to the elites, to the mediocres and to the hopeless...lets just give this ****** papers our best shot.

drink sleep and think well....

wardrobe sale....

am doin this favour for a fren. She's apparently clearing out her wardrobe by auctioning clothes yea so if u want, go check it out and the details for payment are all available in her blog. ONLY 3 days left yea. Wells its all girls stuff so guys unless u wanna cross dress, do not go there. here's the webbie, www.michellified-.blogspot.com so yea just go there and check it out.

shout outs!

the uncontactable MIA Mr Helmi, hahas this is a birhtday shout out to ya!
Blessed Birthday to ya!
Finally ur getting younger? hahas and cya ard!

dear brother

its funny dat i'd write abt you today. BUt you running away for almost 2 days is indeed worryin. BUt worse of all is knowing tat its over btw you and dat gal. Gosh, you knew it'd be coming and yet you still followed along. I hoped as well dat somethin would change, but i guess you gotta live in order to learn. my greatest regret was not being able to be there for ya. and oh wells i guess reality has gotten to ya. 2 days you've been probably wanderin in the streets at a loss of wat to do.

its funny tat our end of years are almost the same. yet it seems both of us will be headin down that gutter. after ur disaster i wonder how'll you'll ever pick urself up. but oh wells i guess u gotta come back home somehow. coz after all who'll take u in like we do. forgive mom and dad if they become angry at you or scold you for no better reason but i guess that's their only way of reachin to ya. somehow i bet u'd be wondering wats there to do now tat a force has left u. dun hold on to her. she's not worth the pain u'll go through. although she's nice, pretty as u'd say, but reli how much has she done for ya? and now its over, u think she'll gladly welcome u back? come home boy. she's gotta learn i guess as much as u gotta learn as well.

i'm no wiseman, coz if i was wise i wouldn't be in this mess i got myself into...

they say its the end...and i am acknowledging my end. its a waste...yes it is...but oh wells just like u i wonder how i can get goin. the temporal happines all this things give me just makes me wonder abt eternity.

just like u i guess i m weak. not as strong as before. but oh wells i guess there's no turnin back rite?

we were warned abt such things, yet we didn't heed it.
at this hr we try to distract ourselves frm such things...
you ran and i'm running
to a destination unknown
down to tat cellar door
away from the world around
but i keep dat door open
in hope someone would find me
i pray you do kp urs open
coz someone is tryin to call u
how long can u run
how far can u go...
who'd take u in?
dat serpent of a fren has left
and dun expect her to return
even if she does is it worth the pain?
its not over unless you say it is...
everybody hurts,
everybody cries...
sometimes
don't let yourself go...
for this is just another lesson in life
come back dude...

hold on dude...hahas coz i guess i m holdin on to somethin i quite dun understand yet... i've gone through life knowing tat i havent reli lived life... but tats life...

blind...

been abt 2 wks now since i've been holding back wat i've been thinking and worrying abt. along the way i realised that my concerns are real and not some misthought misunderstood stuff. and i guess i reli don't wanna spell it all out here coz yea ppl being ppl may not see wat i see. just like wats goin on. sometimes i raise qns and wonder why at a place whr we all are suppose to be one, its not the outside world dat splits us up or brings us down. but rather its the inside ppl who break and shake up the foundation tat was laid. anyway here's somethin i've been incubating for some time.

One day a wk to a sanctuary we seek
whr everyone looks at you and weighs you
according to your looks your mannerism
what you do, who ur with

it may appear as concern
but is it reli genuine?

i may be cynical
but prolly its just cyclical
whr we just throw away responsibility
embrace just activities

and say we can do this
on our own?
all alone?
with God?

and yet we think wats right is right
as long as it feels right
so i'm wondering wats right
if all this doesnt seem right


anyways just a sudden outburst intended long ago. Sunday sch lessons been on hypocrisy and how ppl view christians. Kinda saddening though to see how things reli are turning up. Just throw them in even if we are not in the same mind. It feels stifling when you voice your concerns and yet realise its somethin dats not reli something we wanna take a hold of.

but anyways somehow someone reminded me that yea not to worry. Prolly this is the last time b4 i go off to some place whr my needs are reli met. Whr there is someone who reli looks out for his sheep. Coz reli somehow i just feel dat its abt time i go. BUt its kinda rash to say that now. AM in a period of questioning and wrestling rite now. Am in a state whr honestly I'm unsure whr this life is taking me. Whr nothing seems certain. Even i dun even noe wats this all abt. I'm practically feeling like i'm a lost cause....

hais....

shall just stop now...

sometimes i wonder if its me dats blind...

dun get me wrong...i'm just praying i get some peace...prolly i just gotta believe...

i told my econs tutor tat i got no confidence in answering a particular qn. and she says hv more confidence. you can do it. sometimes its rare to hear someone tell you u can when u hv this feeling u cant.

courage. this mth is reli one of courage i guess. one whr i had to hold it all together. keep a straight face. kp tat smile. kp dat facade high up. but wats there to hide. you can see right through me rite? u noe me more than i noe anything at all...

hai i dunnoe wat i m sayin alr. i noe wats buggin. its tuggin. yet i'm not acknowledgin it. i ask myself is this reli the day i fall. is this reli the yr whr i no i've reached the sky and hit the bottom of the ocean and never go back up but be weighed down by the crushing force of water?

gosh...and i exclaim again. time moves so fast.

hope for the hopeless. believe is all i can? but i hv to do somethin dont i?

been....

oh manz been abt a wk now since i've been locked out of my own blog. APparently was detected for spamming the net with stuff tat may cause the net to be inefficient...geez anyway see wat it does. now got reli nothin else to say except tat its gonna be 40 plus days of just muggin...dats my job for now. aside frm all dat reli got nothin tosay. hahas just happy dat this blog can run.

somethin interestin!

okok got this on an email i received. hmmm interestin song.

smile...

what's there reli to smile abt these days? honestly things didn't work out the way they shd hv yet somehow someway i feel like i m clingin on to the edge of a cliff. Waiting for the inevitable to engulf me. Strength reli draining out of me as the days count down to this one test we all live for before we reli see the "real" world. It happened once, two yrs ago for some 3 for me. Yet what do i get out of all this?

I myself am unsure. Hai, they say to be the best, yet wat does it mean to be? I'm down. Can't deny that. But why smile? When you know u can't do much rite? Wells this aint no cry for despair or some wail for pity or telling this whole world tat me am givin up rite now! I'm just basically hangin on to nothin i guess for now becoz reli what hv i shown? what worth do i hv rite now? A camera, a voice? Geeez...

What am i holding to right now? What am I looking towards that wants me to go on? Once I thought I knew it. NOw it all seems blurred. Let me break it down abit. It seems like the only one to make this family proud lies in me. Speaking abt track record for instance. BUt look at the fam i'm in? Hv i not said enough abt em? BUt wat can i do? Run away? Dun face the day? Drown my sorrow away by watchin cartooons all day?

The root of the prob? I wonder and I wonder and i guess I know wat the prob reli is. Haiz. Wells things gotta take a turn now. I will not just sit here and wait for mths to fake a smile again. Coz after all the only smile i'd like to see is my fam's and not me.

Smile. If only I could just take my mind off this things. Or just pop some pills to make me forget but keep that which are impt. Hahas. Probably shd stop living in a dream and start waking up to live the dream. Its just a mth away. Wat m I doin? Wat is my aim? Wat is the plan?

For the first time i've never heard such an honest plea by you to tell me to hang on. Yet I am barely hangin on. Look through my eyes and tell me if i can? Hai. smile...

i guess no matter wat life throws to me, just gotta make use of it...

wats up cabbie's?

manz boy did i hv sort of a rough day! not sayin it was entirely bad but reli the in betweens reli irked to the point i really wanna sit down here gather my thoughts and critically expound my experience with some of the greatest companies you can ever get!

wells imagine this, you wanna rush frm orchard to marsiling and u wait in line at the taxi stand for 10min, get a cab, tell the cabby, "er...Uncle marsiling 20 min?"

He answers and say's, "20min???(laughs cheekily) 20 min ar? Which way you want ar boy?"
Before i could say anythin he decides for me...

"Take CTE, SLE, exit to wdlands avenue 2...surely the fastest one. NOt much traffic light as well."

Hearing that u'd say "thank God i got a cabby who understands my need now."

Well let me explain this situation. Firstly this is the moment of silence/turning pt(probably 3secs) whr ur cab ride would be a pleasant one or one whr u hv to act like u know nuts abt religion, politics and singapore and agree and act as if the cabby reli does know's his stuff. (no offence cabbies but reli its true rite?)

TO put it simply there are this few cabbies that exist:
1. Those that just drive
2. Those that ask you what is the meaning of life
3. Those that lament how difficult it is to live in singapore
4. Those that talk abt politics
5. Those who bug you abt ur beliefs....
6. And those reli bad mood drivers who look like watever u do is an insult to him and the biggest mistake was takin a cab with him!(this i agree, total mistake)...

and the list can go on...

How i wish mine was the first driver....

BUT NO....

The cab driver had to ask after that grace period...

"What's the rush boy?".... and there it began my 25min ordeal!
(mind u i said 20min...)

Frm questions abt my faith,the basis of my beliefs and dat hmmmm its all abt the power all this groups have and that christians create strife becoz they think that only they go to heaven and everyone is condemned to hell!

boy was tat a conversation, well not really more like a lecture and in summarry he wanted to say,boy u better not be like those dogmatic conservatives and open up to the world and see tat all paths lead to heaven!!!

wells i tried to reason but it din work. he felt i was challenging his thoughts, i said one thing he was able to counter with another and couldnt see wat i was drivin at yet i saw wat he was driving at. so i just resigned to filtering his thoughts and constantly said agree to tat which i agreed upon and just nodded to tat which i din reli agree and just looked like i was listening to him to those tat were kinda illogical...the irony was that he argued man is logical but some of his arguments were illogical? but wells it his perception and i just left him with this thought. Well in the end of the day yea all paths go to heaven. And we are responsible for our own actions and are answerable to our perception of who God is. SO yea it all depends where u go rite?

ok i'm not some jerk who disregards the "hospitality" of a cabbie k? I'm happy he took me on this ride. That he was friendly. Had a lovely smile. And yea provoke my grasp of knowledge...and....

yea imagine, it was the perfect day. perfect moment. Flag a cab and there he goes lamenting. U reach ur destination all bleahx and loaded with sometimes redundant stuff. As in why cant cabbies just keep their eyes on the road drive silently and just stick to their task of gettin us as quick as possible to our destination. If i was anal to the cabbie today i would hv said man i'd pay less coz u took longer than 20 min i asked for and i think u could hv driven faster. BUt oh wells. Shant grumble too much becoz tat aint the crux of this pertainin prob i hv with cabbies here.

besides their conversations which will reli kill me to plug in earphones and zone out to lala land...the reason of this outburst was becoz of one appalling act that i myself cant kp to myself any longer. Coz dat was the last straw. Imagine this situation, u were cycling or walkin down the pavement and u saw this guy on a wheelchair. He flags for a cab. The cab slows down and stops. Wells not for him! BUt the guy further down the road. My reaction was like. WAT THE!!! THe cabbie actually missed the guy in the wheelchair???

While consolidatin my thoughts i wondered if the cabby was too lazy to get out of his car and help him into his cab? Good thing i was rushin and zooming past. ANd that i din get ur no. and complained right away. but i guess the worse thing i did was not to stop and pei tat guy till a cab came for him...gosh...

cabbies...the irony was that i watched on the news abt improving things for the handicap...and i see dat...oh manz...

so wats the lesson? i reli dun noe hahas....i noe i could hv done somethin to at least do some justice for that guy. BUt in my heart i was like prayin the nxt empty cab better stop. oh wells.

cabs...cant live without em...cant live with em...they're there when u dun need em and not there when u dont...and only good service comes if u pay more and u just listen to their ramblings.

and yes i noe this are all weightless arguements or claims. But hey...i bet there are ppl out there with pretty similar experiences...and boy do i hv more than wat i've just written here...

so wats up cabbies? Just remember I am payin for you! And u can bark all u like but hey, i can choose not to pay coz if u din fulfill it ur not worth it and u better learn dat i'm no floormat! and dat the ppl who ride with u are not some ppl u can just exploit ok? gosh cabbies...wake up ur idea seriously.

manz cant believe i just gave up...
i did...
half way through and all i had to do was close my eyes and think
5mins later i wake up realising i did nothin...

there it goes...hai...
wells...

ladadidum...

I had a dream!
Where all man will dream no more!
And Man will live such peaceful lives!
Where Man can accept whoever whenever!
I had a dream!
And that's all it will be,
Just a dream!

What is man that he kills his own brother?
Loves one another's wives, children and mistresses.
What is man that he prides on his beliefs?
Going to extremes refuting tolerance and understanding
Relying on assumptions and embracing ignorance!

What is man that he adorns wealth?
Scorns the poor and exploits the weak.
That at the presence of suffering he doesn't weep!
But rests on it as it satisfies his needs!

What is man that he holds the reins of life?
Killing in the name of mercy
Murdering to cover the guilt of promiscuity!
And the shame of having a retard baby!

What is man that he proclaims his own superiority?
Justifying the erradication of a race
In the name of cleansing!
Defaming one's beliefs for freedom of expression
And holding the world at ransom for unequal treatment!

What is man that he is his own fear?

It's a pity that man breaks his word!
Many men have promised a better world!
Yet what we see is a degeneration of the species!
Children are less filial, parents are less caring.
Families are breaking
And what are the governments debating?

The brains are there!
Knowledge is everywhere!
Yet who is the one who misuses it?
Misinteprets it?
Abuses it?
Exploits it?

In our little havens in our own corners of habitation
Rarely do we take a peak at the happenings out there
Cowering in our oh so comfortable lives
Hoping and wishing nothing creeps in
Letting the forces of life dictate

Therefore what is man?

A creature? an animal? a being?
A clump of billions of electrons, protons
Atoms and molecules subjected to the universal forces?

Sometimes we look at man wondering,
What is goin on in his mind?
And yet we say nothing...

But at the end of the day,
AS long as its not me
LIfe never felt better...
HOw we wish so...
So say we all...

Wells it was out of the blue. I guess of all the things happening ard the world right now what kind of a voice do we really need now? Peace? Unity? Many tried, many died trying, yet many more will still fight on. Sadly the many are a few and soon the few nothing more than a vapour on an ever shrinking puddle.

Have dreamers and fighters become obselete? That now conformers and followers populate the world? Ones who blindly follow without any hold on their lives. They go far, they work real hard. But is it a smile they will attain? Wells we shall see...

We shall see in the year 2020 that in 14 yrs time will we be smiling at one another or wish we had never killed each other...

man in a mad world...but how much of truth do this words hold when we ourselves are deceived by our own ideas of this mad world....

gary jules-mad world


frm donnie darko st...

random thoughts....

*note if the following words look familiar to you, and the scenarios that may be described appear as if you saw it on some movie, well its coincidental or shd i say, probably out of the million other websites in the world there'd be one who might be sayin exactly the same thing as i am right now?

technicalities and grammar mistakes aside and let me just regurgitate wats been goin through this head of mine.*


There is this famous line commonly used that i guess probably earned itself a cliche. The line, "What if this life we're living is all a bad dream? And that the moment we wake up, whatever happened in this life are just all imprints of the subconscious mind. Cluttered up in a mass of gray matter."

Its funny, the many different ideas we take life for. Some think tat its all pre-determined, pre-destined and fated, others think its just one cycle of a couple of other cycles and probably the most absurd is that we are just like any other matter in this place, a complicated mass of electrons, protons and neutrons being subjected to electrons, protons and neutrons.( well there my be more absurd ideas but this is as absurd as i can think of)

But what is my take of this life I'm living?

routine? insanity? illusive? deluded?

hmmmm makes me wonder. sometimes i guess we think too much of the negatives tat we forget abt the positives in life. and sometimes the positives are outweighed dat we shove em aside.

but can we categorise everything as negative and positive? not everything is black and white? not everything is logical? not everythin is dollars and cents? not everything has to be red, yellow, black and white. A combination of all this factors i guess make up life? or does it?

do we wanna believe in time travel? whr we can go through vortexes in time and travel to tat exact moment, exact hr and remove all the dark and scary experiences or relieve those moments again and enhance them? Kinda funny if only changing that occurs under the condition of ceteris paribus! Coz newton's law of action and reaction trancends beyond motion alone and forces. but i guess we r too smart for our own good living in the fantasy whr anythin we want is perfect. But i think there's an irony. We can expect a world with no mistakes whr everything follows, yet even the smartest of all humans aren't perfect therefore how can a perfect fantasy exist? I guess in our heads...

fear. afraid to face that which we don't want to see. A truth maybe, that would destroy us from within. Therefore we have a defensive mechanism called pride! And yea we hate to admit that we have it. Right?

love. a feeling, a passing feeling nowadays. a loose word for a loose world today. Since that day I've never uttered it to anyone anymore. Not dat i dun believe in it, but its more than tat word dat i wanna believe in.

heart. the last time i told someone to guard their heart, i left mine opened and tat person took a knife and jabbed at it. Boy does it hurt. And the night someone talked to me abt it... gosh was a memory stirred.

damage report, wells its halfway pt, tired out frm over-regurgitation.

wells reli i din reli wanna come to pt actually, its just tat somehow i find myself whr i am and dats always nxt to you. And oh how wonderful it is when i hear the sound of ur name and i rejoice knowing u noe my name too...

mad world...now i noe why its mad...probably we shd all bury our heads in sand and probably the world will be a better place...

speaking of freedom, i think christianity shdn't be one whr we are constrained by rules. Coz come on its sad yet ironic that we shd be free from the ways of the world yet we behave much worse than the world. Yes we are suppose to be different but it doesnt mean wearing white hoods and goin ard with a hammer and judging em and sentencing and condemning them becoz of who they are. Damn it tats the only reason that stumbles me in this faith. That we go abt sayin i'm more righteous than you so you get out of my face pagan! or we say eeew wat kind of a life is dat, its so stumbling. and like she doesnt deserve my attention becoz she has never changed for the better. Wells i'd contradict mysefl if i say ur wrong and i'm right....geez...

mad world...mad ppl...mad lives...

lesss than 24hrs....

right now i m just feeling so lost...lost in my own fears....i fear of freezing up in the first papers tomolo...holding the pen and gettting a blanked out mind...hai compounded with a screwed up family...now dad's gone my two bros are running wild...well one just did on the night he flew...he flew off too! with the dvd player my dads laptop and 2dvd's rented under my name! and knowing his track record...if he don't return it tonite...i hv this feeling i m gonna explode already...coz reli this 2 wks i shdnt be bothered by such things...shd just be focusing on getting wat i want...after all its not wat i love to do...and i hate to hear tat teacher of mine to put me down time and time again....its just another few more hrs...and i feel reli horrible...reli....so dun blame me if i look fierce tomolo and look like i wanna kill somebody...becoz honestly i've reli wanted to kill someone...hai...there goes a commandment broken....


cant seem to write straight now i realised...would my gp suffer? would my econs expressions not work tomolo? rahhhhh!!!!!!!


am sippin a cup of horlicks now...hoping it'll just get rid of this feeling...


*pwerteng linginan...so much reli going on....or is it....

hai...i noe dats wat u reli wanna say rite now....

hai.....
its suppose to relieve right?
hai...
its a release of breathe...
hai...
its a sign of something not right...
hai...
here i go again....
hai...


FOCUS DAMN YOU!!!! Sounding like some wussie!!! cmon u've been through many things b4...why let urself down again and again...u seem to give courage to others why not use some for urself...get it frm ur source u fool!!! and why sigh huh?...dun be pathetic...reli...FOCUS...u'll get through this S**T

still playin this song...lets call it the pre-prelim song...hai...

lingin...

was actually finding a song frm my roots... somehow stumbled upon this guy's blog. (http://ed.blog-city.com)

en-route to the song i was suppose to get. but i heard this song playing. its in cebuano which is my dad's native dialect!. oh wells aside frm tat. its just another nice song. its called lingin by aggressive audio. anyway abt the lyrics... dun ask me yet wat it means. in the process. sheesh embarrassed to say dat although i'm flesh and blood filipino to the core, i dun carry tat "so made fun of accent we all are identified for" shd i be happy or wat? oh wells realised dat songs are playin in my head...

got this chinese one, wuding, then got this tagalog one ang hu ling el bimbo and now this one...

verse 1
ang among balay.... lingin
ang among atop......lingin
ang among bintana...lingin
ang among pultahan..lingin
ang among kwarto....lingin
ang among bong bong..lingin
ang among hagdanan
oooo..

refrain:
pwerting lingina
ha..ha..ha..
ha..ha..ha..
ha..oo

verse 2

ang among lamisa....lingin
ang among bangku....lingin
ang among aparador..lingin
ang among lantay....lingin
ang among kabinit...lingin
ang among takori....lingin
ang among kutsilyo
oooo.

(repeat refrain)

chorus:
ang among chorus
lingin lang gihapon
kay wala nay laing lyrics
lingin lang gihapon
kay ang atong kinabuhi lingin

verse 3

ang akong ulo.....lingin
ang akong mata....lingin
ang akong ilong...lingin
ang akong baba....lingin
ang akong dughan..lingin
ang akong pusod...lingin
ang akong periko
oooo.

(repeat refrain)
(repeat chorus)
(instrumenta)
(repeat chorus)
kay akong kinabuhi lingin
kitang tanan sa kalibutan lingin

yea woke up this mornin to a rattled home. knowing its not the home it was a few mths ago. bros runnning wild. me, losing out i guess. distractin my mind with things i'm not suppose to do. like rite now lar. sighs. its difficult to just talk to ppl abt such stuff. i dunnoe why. fear i guess? i noe its sappy but oh wells i noe they'll just hear me out i guess. but yea it wont make me better i suppose....

wells i checked up the meanin of lingin...it means cylcle i guess...wells according to some online dictionary...yea...anyway i reli wanna just write somethin explicit with no holds barred rite now....but wats the pt...just gets me worked up i guess...better use those brain cells elsewhr...yea muggin econs....

its just a cycle i guess...just gotta go on i guess...n yea shd block out all those negative words manz...only the horse noes who i'm talkin abt. thnx alot teacher.

and dad...yea i noe probably all ur hopes are on me to make this gumapon name big in the world rite? maybe not in the way u want it dad right now. with wat i m doin dat is. i noe i'm drainin away ur salary but i try not to... and i noe i cant kp a promise now to tell u tat i'll make sure u'll grow old with a smile on ur face and a restaurant to manage and cook in. i guess its just a duty to u rite? hai....

just like u said...the world looks so glum now...i'm so glum rite now...n u tell me ppl can let u down...even u dad...i dunnnoe wat i m talkin abt...but its this pre-exam jitters. haiz....with a big sigh k....

now everyone who wanna sigh...lets do it together...in 1! 2! 3! sighs.....

ppl dun care if u had the time of ur life, ppl will care if u made use of that time to make something out of ur life, dun qn it, dun let it bring u down, just pick ur pieces and go on, its unpredictable but in the end no matter wat they say, they will bring u down, but u will never touch the ground even if the world mocks and scorns at u even those whom u thought would stand by you, noe this, that there is still one tat holds you. and i guess with love and strength for each new day, there will be a way. put ur mind to it...

hai...i guess i realised one thing on teachers day...there are those who will hold u all the way...some who just hold u by the thread and some who'll just throw u a life vest and drop u in the middle of the ocean...i guess no matter which category u come frm....i'll remember u.....

_____

_____

_____, the two of us need look no more
We both found what we were looking for
With a friend to call my own
I'll never be alone
And you, my friend, will see
You've got a friend in me
(you've got a friend in me)

_____, you're always running here and there
You feel you're not wanted anywhere
If you ever look behind
And don't like what you find
There's one thing you should know
You've got a place to go
(you've got a place to go)

I used to say "I" and "me"
Now it's "us", now it's "we"
I used to say "I" and "me"
Now it's "us", now it's "we"
_____, most people would turn you away
I don't listen to a word they say
They don't see you as I do
I wish they would try to
I'm sure they'd think again
If they had a friend like _____
(a friend) Like _____
(like _____) Like _____

i've been looking ard for this song for sometime. As in i noe how it sounds but din noe the title till i was like transfering songs into my dad's latest gadget-a new phone dat is.The song is one of Michael Jackson's songs of past called "Ben". Apparently its frm a disney movie. But anyway I was thinking of a friend and somehow this lyrics just somehow put into place words i myself couldnt fathom. I've been thinking of ppl or maybe a person for the past few days. Or to put it more specifically abt a wk liao. and yea there were alot of songs tat could tie to wat i was thinking abt. To list were songs like, Water Runs Dry by boyz 2 men and hmmmm.... hahas dats abt it lar.

but wat separated them frm this song was yea...its just the thought of having frens lar i guess...reli dunnoe how to say it. anyway i was able to find one version on the net sang by this guy called billy gilman frm one of his fan sites. i think he got a nice voice. and yea i was hopin to find the original done by michael....

anyway...if ur the fren i was thinkin of just fill ur name in the blanks...tats my thoughts for ya. anyway some of the lyrics may not apply to you but its for you in general k...

anyway...sometimes i wish i could say all i could here...but many a times or most of the time ppl dun get wat i mean or i'm just incoherent...lol but oh wells...enjoy the song...




PS.
anyway...i guess sometimes its difficult to be a fren to everyone...especially if u just wanna be one to a certain one...wells just to say dat in times such as this is nice to noe frens exist. and yes i noe i've been ramblin abt the same stuff but oh wells...

Let’s don’t wait till the water runs dry
We might watch our whole lives pass us by
Let’s don’t wait till the water runs dry
We’ll make the biggest mistake of our lives
Don’t do it baby

-boyz2men water runs dry chorus...

do i look scary?

got this comment frm a fren of mine...probably some of you might even think so. but i've been reli wondering wat ya mean by scary? is it becoz of the eyes? the missing smile? the slow lumbering walk i hv and dat i'm a "loner" all of a sudden?

well firstly i'd hv to say the meds keeping my nose frm flowing like the hoover dam is keeping my energy levels at bay. not only is my sense of awareness low and my reaction time ancient...i feel reli numb and sedated. not sayin i enjoy not laughin and stuff and of course being alone...but for now, the on the task side of me is takin over...its not tat i dun wan the company...its just dat yea i just need to focus and catch up on lost time...it'd be gr8 for ppl to join me...but its ok even if there is nobody...

this is how it goes...heavy breakfast...skip lunch mug in lib till 7 home...rest an hr inclusive of dinner. then mug...mug till i cant lar...hai...sometimes when i m at home i just zone out...numb after all tat information overload...and today the only lesson i shut down was chem lect...manz...grp 2 grp 7 hv to relook dat again....

i cant afford to lose step now lar...i mean...ok i may be getting too hard on myself...forcing more than i can chew...but why not?...its the only way i'll be able to eat right? i noe i can do more. its just how much more do i wanna do? at my own pace as many things as possible pack it all inside my boxes and arrange em nicely...

well if i hv no smile, no sign of joy or anything. i'm just conservin energy k? i'm not angry at u. and yes if i speak with u i will flash a smile so to let u noe i'm not gonna eat u. so far the only food i hv is the books! all letters syllables and vowels! yum...

i noe ur concern for me...i noe it...but i guess this is a new addiction...i dun wanna be tat failure...i wanna prove u wrong...prove to myself and my parents tat i'm worth the money...coz after alll its all abt money rite? all abt time...

hai its my own doin...its my doin to make it...

its the sacrifice right? for a piece of paper...

anyway...yea guys i'm still ok...just dat i'm sedate...on drugs...and reli just conserving all the energy...

oh ya...an observation...i realise how obvious it is tat the librarian doesn't hv the guts to up his service...gosh it appalled me dat 10mins b4 closin he has the cheek to just turn off the lights while many of are still sloggin away. he could hv just said excuse me everyone the library is closin in 10mins. could u kindly pack away ur things. and do it with a smile. of course we would oblige coz a smile is wat many of us need especially when being so uptight and stressed and all. golly. is it too difficult to do dat? cmon i noe its ur job. but do u love it? dat u actually make us more irritated then being relieved dat we can go home peacefully? golly. i m appalled...totally...u just switch off the lights. tat was rude and disrespectful and despicable. oh wells. all i am askin is u smile. ur not a security guard. ur a librarian! ur suppose to be happy dat ur in charge of bks! u shd love em! geez...

i wonder...whether u love ur job...and i wonder if i would love mine....

reconciliation...

i m in the process of reconciling with myself. From the contradictory parts to the parts tat never make sense. After 1/5 of a century of walkin through this place why now? Do i even noe wat i m talkin abt here?

apparently i m uncertain why i wanna reconcile, probably its the years of guilt built up in me dat any moment a slight prick will cause me to explode violently. But i thank God for a v.patient spirit. honestly i m on the verge of snapping. snapping at anything tat sticks its hand out at me. i'll smack it, bite it and tear it into pieces!

dats my sad life now... pathetic...

probably tat is why i wanna reconcile, i wanna just hv peace. i realise there is reli no solace here. My life will forever be occupied with neccessities and i will never be able to stop. i'm honestly discouraged right now, nothing but discouragements hurtled at me at speeds beyond my imagination dat i just zone out.

today was another experience of zoning out. cant believe being drugged by drowsy meds can make u actually tune out frm this place and be a machine. today all i did was eat, breathe and do work. i even skipped lunch thanks to econs for sapping out my lunch money. somehow i enjoy the thought of just being in my own world, selfish as it may be i guess all of us like being cooked up in our lil worlds. fearing dat ppl may see right through tat bubble. we feign them. we chose not to even hv eye contact. sorry for being extreme here but reli i guess when i grow up one day i'll be one hell of an extremist and may end being jailed for havin non-conformists ideas.(i dunnoe if it's legal to say this but heck i'll noe if it isnt if the cops appear at my door one day) but anyway besides the pt, i've been thinkin wat manner of greatness will i get in future knowing i will never have the life savin capability of a doc, or the skill and nimbleness of a dentist or even the combative spirit of a lawyer. even so becoming a politician. being who i am, being wat i am, i guess i m reli a nobody. they'll say so wat if i'm yada yada got yada yada...it dont matter rite...as long as ur papers are in check?

i'm starting to picture this thing in my mind whr many of us are particles on a parallell course. though we may appear side by side, we will never meet. its just a pair of skewed lines...dats all...i m beginnin to see wat it means to be alone...tat in the end its u who digs the grave and its u who pulls dat hand tat reaches out...and dat no one will go in the grave with u and carry u out...tats the human spirit...me myself and i...and its being preached across the board...only i can, only i...I...I...sighs...we are never taught the i cant...

i'm sorry i was ever born
sorry dat i knew those ppl
so sorry dat i beat my bro into a pulp
sorry dat you cant stay here, today...

where the blood rushes
and my life flows
it grows cold
frozen from pain

i'm sorry i troubled you
sorry dat i left u there by yourself
so sorry dat on the day u needed me the most
i never came at all

i guess sorry is never enough
because it will never heal
the stab wounds i caused
like an achilles heel...

i shall fade like other names
into a past never to be known
no more will they call me
no more will i come

not until i abhor me
and rid the despicable things
i've done

i noe i m alone...
i accept tat fact
i noe i can never face u
after all i've done...

but yet u look at me
in infinite mercy
you lift me up
and uphold me

in ur arms u embrace me
warming this bitter heart
u release me frm the agony
that plagued my enstranged mind

i noe u never left me
though i deserted the path
i noe u never stopped calling
even when my ears grew deaf

i had to fall
and fall i did
into ur arms once more

i was so foolish,
tat i'll never let you go...
and even if i do
its amazing dat its you tat kps me strong...

and it doesnt always hv to be this way

its like a performance and now is the time when i put on my make up. psyching myself with every stroke of the brush that the time is nigh and any moment now i'll be bursting out as someone who i'm not. someone i grew frm within. though its not me its still a part of me. artificially nutured it is ready to be released for others to understand who is he. yet many will never take tat step unless they're all extroverts.

here i go...here i come...receive me now in open arms. but i doubt tat will ever be true becoz the world today sees not who he is but rather just the shell of a chocolate eclair. surface ppl. dats all we are. we dun dare bring the shovels of questioning to dig up or the chisels to slowly deconstruct a constructed barrier. only a few endeavor at doin so. n boy do they enjoy it.

currently i m finding the words to say it...
probably i've been hit by this thought in my head dat i try to say gdbye and i choke, try to walk away and i stumble, though i try to hide it its clear...

clear tat my world crumbles when ur not near...

yes it is clear dat my world indeed crumbles when You are not near...

save me frm this place....longing for ur sweet embrace...take me away to tat far away place...whr peace restoreths my soul....

thank you Macy...


ps.
its a shame not many guys dare sing of their weaknesses. they always hv to perceive themselves as macho and strong. thnx for the front guys. but deep inside i noe we all are just as helpless as our counterpart sexes sometimes. so just let it go...all that ego...not all k...or u'll be a queer...serious...i guess its all abt control...i m in control...or so it seems :)

anyway to u lonely soul out there. slogging it out day and night... even in hopelessness a beacon will appear. dats the grace we experience everyday. the light we need but dun deserve appears unknowingly to us. be aware of those lil lights...they'll make u smile. definitely!

happy 50th post!

let me open this post to a sour note! *pops champagne*

i feel sour yay! i feel sour yay! i feel v. v. v. sour yay! yay! yay!

plus i feel like insulting ppl as well! woohoo! bottoms up ppl let me celebrate this redundant moment! wahahahas

ok...
ok?
ok ok?

are u ok?
m i ok?
u ok?

rahhhhh!!!!

let me propose a toast!

firstly to the one and only! *read btw these lines. i'll try not to be too direct. but i want to. hahas. yes i m talkin abt u! abt u and how u always do tat. yea dat. u noe wat i mean. wat ur doin right now! dun deny it! ur doin it even as u follow this~ this goes out to you! :P

secondly to all the wallowers in self pity! this toast goes out especially to you! keep wallowing! kp drowning! and may ur sorrows reli take u there! u noe. NOWHERE. this also includes all you AA's hoping dat one day everyone's gaze shall be upon you! well honey, apparently nobody's watching! hahas. coz nobody bothers too! sad aye? well DEAL with it! SUCK IT IN PPL! COZ WHO WOULD WANNA WASTE THEIR TIME HEARING UR PATHETIC CRIES FOR HELP. and when help comes u smack the hand tat wants to hold u! A real toast to you :) coz without u ppl we would hv not known how tiring it is to be bombarded EVERY single day abt ur woes! well not to say i hv my agonies alr! WELL I GUESS THIS IS THE WORD U'd never wanna hear rite? CHEER UP!!! WAHAHAS... coz er... it dun matter RITE? bottoms up!

thirdly to you upright ppl! hahas. Probably the reason ppl like u exist is to show how bent u reli are! nothing is reli upright unless u tie it hard to a brace! wells loosen up! or hmmm tighten up! probably it might enhance ur uprightness! IT WILL RISE AND PESEVERE!!! YOu can uphold it any moment frm day to night. following tat lil light at the end of the tunnel! ANd i cheer u on till dat inevitable day u go limp!!! THREE CHEERS! COZ reli. with ur upright ____....(take a moment there to fill in the word) u can go so far only... THANK YOU UPRIGHT PPL. you make me justify my wrongs and fuel my desire to be bent! coz reli somehow u ought to tend to zero! wahahas.

fourthly and hopefully lastly this goes out to u buggers. yes BUGGERS!!! B.U.G.G.E.R.S. thnx for buggin ard! hahas. cant help it rite but to just bug. lil buggers. kp buggin! kp irritatin! kp being tat lice in the hair of someone! coz sometimes tats how lil and also big critters end up, unnoticed! wahahas. u lot are special indeed! hiding unnnoticed and catchin ppl like us unawares. and bothering to bother. its rare to see endangered bugs! but bugs like u deserve to be protected! wahahs!

oh oh i forgot this grp of ppl! hahas. super-ficial! yes! u pansies who see the outside! wahahas. u guys sure rock this world by playin alot of hide and seek! let the children play they say. coz dats all tat they can reli do! hahas. play and play all day getting lost in the games they play! wahahas. get lost! literally! and yea learn to open ur eyes deeper than wat u alr see! probably gorge it! then in ur blindness u'd see wat ppl are reli! but anyway good job! ur superficial assessments just make u a better judge of appearance! wahahas. probably dats why the monkey can still throw bananas on some show on tv! but its a plastic world ainit? can see the real thing rite? coz beneath tat wrapper is a sugar coated chocolate dipped....

and yes who cant forget u! the encouraging discourager! thnx for the courage! thanks for the discourage! wahahas makes me confused. and dats a good thing! it makes me think! so when i think, i come up with somethin, than i m encouraged and yet discouraged! hoorah to ya for doin such a great job of contradiciton! for being dat stuck up jail warden who shoves ahem up my ahem ahem...and being dat sweet lil stewardess so willing to serve beyond wat is required!! thank you for ur jekyll and hyde attitude! hoorah once more!

i can go on! still got so many on my list! hahas n of course if i mention to those i forgot maybe UR meant to be forgotten!!! hahas so if suddenly i rem...probably ur not tat significant after all! anyways hope u hv a bad after taste! if not....hmmmm then good day! hope u slip and fall...

ahhh yes! just one more...

to the young and the hopeless! to that sweet romantic bleahx!. live up to ur liquid dreams! who noes u might write a new move! and say i did it my way! wahahas! fun rite? fun... like a tickle me elmo huh? on a tickle it'll just go hahahahahaha in tat retarded tone! hehe cheers!

well to close this toast! i'd say cheers to the nxt 50 entries to come! hahahas. hopefully not as boring as this! n yes probably its literal! probably its not... but one thing's for sure!

*u want to eat gesture* now think as if we r in italy! *thnx russel!

life is so beautiful! especially with all this ppl to surround me! u spur me to write the unreasonable! and reli i m just being dat way for now only! :D

"I just wanna thank you, for giving me the best day of my life..."

pfft....

Thank you Dido!

bad bad bad bad....

firstly, i'm bad. secondly, i'm reli bad. thirdly, well still bad.

i hv no time to think now, coz am reli runnin out of time for this kind of things. everyday is just like a game of catch. catch it ur there. u dun. well. die lor. cant do anything. "i've done wat is humanly possible."

sighs. reli welled up with pressures here. not only am i cementin my rep as bad bad bad. i'm still not near tat pink of health i reli wanted. sigh. now am havin a pimple outbreak. great!. esp my nose since i blow it everynow and then the sensitive part is now swellling. boy does it suck. boy does it reli seem i m in heat and boy i cant take this anymore.

every mornin i wake up i tell myself just do it. it'll be fine. i'll survive. hai...everyone can survive. its just how they do it. i even pray and ask God, help me pull through today. Give me the strength and courage i need. but everyday well not all, i guess i've been broken inside out. or maybe, i was mended alr but i never used me...

hai, i'm reli reli discouraged now and every move i make its like i'm getting entangled in this mess. the mess i've made for myself...

hai, time...time...time...

bad bad bad...

incoherence once more...bleahx@

screw it...at the end of the day...when i put my cap on...its just me and my piece of paper...whr dat tells the world who i reli am...a bad bad bad bad......


oh one thing...i noe tat singapore cant tell substance frm mediocre and the completely horrible. its been evident for the past few wks. and today the completely horrible still stood!...

curse me or wat. but i bet a few ppl or maybe many will agree with me. its all so superficial huh? huh? huh?

deterioration...

i would say my health is not the paradigms for me this term. i've been plagued especially during this crucial time with a breakdown in health. woke up to a 38.2 fever. and i tried to get out of the hse for a prodcuctive time at sch. but with me feelin this horrible and with just no frame of mind to go to the books, i noe i cant.

spent the whole mornin in bed, afternoon in bed too. now i'm just wondering dat with the time i hv i need serious catching up to do. my mum is definitely concerned. i m definitely panicking as well. but how can i when my body isn't at its optimum?

who wouldnt be afraid?...

was watchin a program on discovery, abt being more than human. how is it dat some ppl are gifted with innate abilties to withstand and do the most remarkable things dat a normal human cant. i guess the keyword is because we think we cant. science has set its limits on the human will. with odds and statistics against it, somehow science can never explain its robustness. how it can make one pull through subzero conditions, and survive being battered by 300pounds per cubic inch of swells trapped in a cavernous blowhole. this is the human spirit. it makes us defy the odds.

i guess the whole deterioration starts when we stop believin in what drives us to go beyond who we reli are and accept the unacceptable. sometimes we hv to admit the inevitable. coz tat's life.u can try so hard. go so far. make those millions but somehow it all ends up the same.

humans r just interesting beings who live on their pride. and its in removing this pride tat humans would be better. or so it seems. the problems the world faces today is probably becoz we cannot put our self-interests away. just look in the news, the headlines. for the past 5yrs or if u can put it even 20 odd yrs or so. so much blood, so much hatred and still up to now so much starving faces. it seems there is no solution becoz how many resolutions hv been made and still change hasn't happened. even if the rich donate a percentage of their incomes, the rich of the poor will take it for their own self.

this is humanity. and its written everywhere. we hate to admit it but sometimes we r indeed helpless heading down this path of deterioration.

maybe i m not the best commentator on this. coz reli, i m only human after all. i can be here now and gone tomorrow. and still the world will be the same.

i couldnt think of a proper title. just gonna kp this short. kinda wasted this day away. slept the whole day. approx 14hrs. to be exact.

havin abit of rojak feelin now. frm the whole feelin of celebration, to dat of emptiness, and being tired. kinda abit emo rite now as well.

family aint reli dat cohesive. seems like i'm the only son who acknowledges my parents existence. and i m bearing in mind dat my parents are gettin fed up with us. our lifestyles and all. well i guess its right to say i m doin this for em. and yea i dun think my dad's jokin when he said he'll pack up and leave us. and my bros. wells.

m havin an itchy throat. bet i'll be coughin sporadically soon. and no thanks to the atmosphere now, i think i'd die coz of it. plus my tummy aint helpin me either. always wake up with the feelin something is gonna burst frm my stomach wonder wats up with me.

then there is this expression problem i m facin. gosh. why am i so uncertain of myself.

hai. yep. dats life for now....

nuances...

funny,the moment we walked out the door holding our bags of precious items, things we had brought to share with everyone, something struck me. Tat from this day forth, we may not be walkin in dat same room the same way we used to.

gone would be the times whr we would bring our "all" and leave it in piles and heaps. Whr we'd show and tell and laugh and weep. but the moment we walk out that door, our home before is now no more.

though we may still be welcomed the feeling will never be the same. By then we may hv drifted to another plain, another coast, another life? And all this now will be nothing more than a yesterday once more. Probably irrelevant to whr we would be, one day.

I dunnoe abt you guys, but i din dare take tat step out the room with all those things in hand. I did not even dare walk towards the door or glimpse through the window and wonder what would life be as a pilgrim once more?

i may hv overstayed my due, but i could never have enjoyed it more if i didnt. Many would envy me for havin another chance to experience wat i've been through. And i guess that's the reason for the heavy heart leaving that room.

our voices will just be heard in the resounding silence, our laughter in the din of the aircon and fan. but like ppl before and the ppl after, that is the infinite end anyway. we come we go. we hv to move on.

things will never be the same. because thats just the way it is. the new fills the old and with the old the new go's on stronger than before. i wont deny i'll miss u guys, but most of all i'll miss the feeling of just being there.

i hope i can return. to be a part of the ppl in that room. To do wat i love to do. who noes when will dat be. as for u who still remain, make full use of the time there and let ur friendships flourish and let it not destroy u guys. believe in urself. dats all. and dats enough. becoz if u dun believe, then ppl wont believe wat u do.

StAje... may our dreams live on and let not the spirit die.

"nothing more than gravity...a force of nature holding me down. The world keeps on turning. I find myself where i am. but it doesnt hv to be here tomorow."

song by embrace: Gravity

passing thought....

taken frm songs i've been listenin to:

'cause i dont know
where your journey goes
or how long it will take to unfold
But as long as we keep this moment shinning in the dark
i know you're watchin over every beat of your/my heart.

I wish that time
could be replayed
I'd keep you here with me everyday

you keep me flying
you keep my smiling
you keep me safe in a crazy world
you understand me
embrace my fragility
you keep me safe in a crazy world
and in your arms i find the strength
to believe in me again

the river runs and the river hides
out to the ocean and under the sky
i promise you, the answer will come
hold on to patience and watch for the sign
everything in its time.

yea...time...everything in its time...

i know i din miss anything...

i know if i write this entry i'd be contradictin my previous entry, but anyway ppl, arent we all full of contradiction? well maybe just me.

anyway i've come to this conclusion tat all i need to do now is to do nothing. Just do wat i noe, wat i can. To believe in wat i do and dun care abt wat others say, coz in the end of the day wat matters is that i hv let go and let God. NOt sayin i will sit down and do nothin and a miracle will happen. No no. it doesnt work dat way, God doesnt work like dat.

its funny dat after wks of askin for Him to speak all along He has been. Through ppl i meet and circumstances and i guess nothing beats it when u get it frm the Word. I know u'd think i'm crazy or fanatic or wat. But b4 u judge me and think tat this is another one of my thoughts tat wonders in my head, let me say its not.

i din noe today would be such an encouragin and awakening and sobering nite. Coz all this while wat am i looking for isn't the qn. Becoz i alr hv it and now i must use it. I just hv to believe. No matter wat the teachers say, and i say i m reli hurt by wat u said and though i respect u, sayin such a thing just does it for me. There is a limit and i noe ur doin ur duty. BUt like i said, this time i'll just push it aside and let u just do ur job while i'll do mine.

and now is reli the time tat i hv to do mine. Watever time i hv i gotta use becoz i noe i wont hv this time again. Watever moment i hv, i hv to live it. I noe I may not hv the grades or history to show anythin. ANd i noe i m laggin way behind in some things. BUt the more i think and wait and wait. When will i start? I hv started something, but getting bogged day in day out and with no sense of lift or hope at all who'd wanna continue?

you were right when u said it was my choice to live such a life, and u were right to say ppl told me and i din listen. And now given this time and hr, there is no more time to talk and get confirmation coz it is there. I got it, i hv heard it and even at today's meetin we talked abt it.

i noe my weaknesses is dat i can never follow a plan, or wat not. I look at my greenbook and look at the crossout tasks, the more i cross out the more i hv to write down. And sometimes i dun even cross out. This is intense. I can even see it in my frens and my fresn see it in me.

i m troubled. I m worried. I m afraid dat i cant make it. But i noe my nature i can never do this. but today i read and there is a promise that anything is possible to one who believes. And if i kp my good courage my i would be strengthened.

i noe i m in a period of depression and stress, with things at home at a neutral reaching negative state, i noe i can still stand. Which explains why i will. why i get passionate when u directly challenge my ability.

we are capable u noe. dun put me down. You put me in the stereotype. Probably i m helping u. but now it doesnt bother me anymore and it wont. trust me.

this entire wk i was on my way to giving up. this whole wk i even thought of takin the leap. i noe there is no escape. even the ppl u thought u can seek solace in cant comfort my disturbed spirit. today however i felt comforted that i noe there are some out there tat relate and understand my needs, who dun judge me straight away but just want to listen to me. who'd utter words not just of comfort but also of earnest concern. And when i speak they noe i m not a lunatic.

i just hv to kp on believin. coz i noe i can even the impossible can be possible coz dats wat He said to me. And it can only happen if i start doing and b4 i do, i'll hv to surrender it all. becoz i noe without Him i am nothing. WIthout Him, i wouldnt hv seen wat i hv seen and heard today. And i noe without HIm i wont be able to do.

how foolish dat my pride gets over me
how sad that i forget who carries me
day and night through storm and fog
He lifts me up and holds me close
Shielding me from cold and heat
Taking the bullet rather than me
Though I push Him away
He won't let go
Tightly He grasps
Yet gently He holds
Pulling me back into His fold

..................................................................

so much words, so much words. BUt words are words. But now i'd like to shift the focus away beco after all its not abt me.

i'd just like to say that hey ppl out there muggin and wat not. Life's more than just the books. Reli. And i noe many say this and i noe its not an excuse not to do wat we ought to do sometimes. BUt i guess no matter how we hate it like i m right now. I guess we gotta slog it out ppl. And not be presumptious like i was a few hrs ago. We just gotta hv faith in ourselves tat we can do this. And i noe many are doin wat they gotta do. SO am i.

and i m grateful dat tonite i was with ppl i could just be who i am. Not judged at all or measured by wats on the outside. Coz reli it all comes down to whr ur heart is. coz there your treasure lies.

i noe i can go on. BUt time.

3things
1. Learn to number my days. Coz I noe not wat happens tomolo.
2. Learn to see things frm His perspective and be aware.
3. Even if I m feelin lousy and. Be a light to someone. Coz who noes i'll be a blessing to someone instead.

its my life. my choices. but i noe that i hv help on wat i need to do.

Thank You Lord.

tra la la...

"if u read this do noe that the person writting this may cease to exist. He has chosen a path less troden and will not return again."

we all know life comes only once, and he took his chances and yea he had no choice at all. He took the plunge never to return or see another day again. He says he is sorry for not living up to wat everyone wanted him to be. He regrets ever doing wat he did and is abt to do. But he just couldnt find any escape. Everyday it seemed like the weight of the world was on his shoulders. His only solace was his room, where he romanced the thought of living a dream. But a dream is all it will be. He has lost it, he doesn't need it. The ppl ard him are just faces, and faces they shall be becoz none will take the plunge like he is abt to right now.

what hides behind this mask he has worn, only few have seen through it. And now its time to take it off for there is no pt wearing it.

I'm walking a tight rope balancing myself, but now it just seems like falling is the best way to survive.

So goodbye world. All I would be is just another dot on this dot of an island. Another number, and a wasted commodity. Yes a commodity.

I'll be seeing the depths now and as I see the world for the last time, i'd like to say that i'd be waking up frm this terrible dream soon enough and that i've lived my life as full as i can. And i'm sorry to you.

Hope for a hopeless soul...



I never conquered, rarely came
Tomorrow holds such better days
Days when I can still feel alive
When I can't wait to get outside
The world is wide, the time goes by
The tour is over, I'd survived
I can't wait till I get home
To pass the time in my room alone

the song of 2003...

"it was only perfect it was only happening but it didnt. its just full blown disorientation."

running in circles...

its funny i was just browsing through my old playlists in my media player when i stumbled upon this song. The song of 2003. OUr song esp for FJSS drama then. I dunnoe if anyone still rem. butits weird how a memory just struck me. Why i wonder? Probably becoz its just the song of wishful thinking. Regretful thinking. the if only's and stuff. The missed things in life, the missing feeling. The should hv beens and stuff for the past few years and concurrently mths. The feelin of never wanting things to end. The feeling of tat belief in dreams.

i guess when we r older we lose a part of ourselves through experiences and circumstances. WE are either forced to rethink concepts we thought we believed in b4. like a child burned by a flame. The child will never dare touch it again. Its as if we cover it up with fillings(the things u use to cover holes in ur walls). Fillings to protect an area we dun wan others to see or even mention abt. Or we just dun wanna feel it ourselves.

i guess the yr 2003 was my golden age. It probably was a dream i wished i had lived over again. But i guess tat feeling was only then. Now is a diff story. Diff ppl. DIff life. And 3yrs on i realised yea the wall i was b4 is diff now. Many more holes filled, many more holes made. BUt i guess its just the yrs rite?

the things we hold onto now, we will one day let go of it in strive for new things to hold on to. Tats life. and i guess the older u get, the more things u'll hv to let go. and the things u do let go of are usually things dat u hold close sometimes. but dats life. Things change, ppl too. IN 2 yrs or more i'd probably be someone diff probably in a diff place, with a diff outlook. and dats why i guess ppl fail u. They'll change without u knowin till u see them face to face or u dun. They'll just be another person in the crowd, in many of our cases another name on a contact list tat we would never click on AGAIN....or even msg hi...

"since then i've never had a glimpse of u. since the day u left i've never reli seen u. these ppl who hv walked in and out...wat do they mean after they've gone on?"

the song of 2003...

just a reminder tat yea we do hv feelings like this...and its whether u wanna accept it or not or just take the filler and cover it up, and sand it like it was never there...coz at the end of the day, wats there to show? a perfect wall?



Nobody said it was easy
No one ever said it would be so hard

I'm going back to the start...

like there reli is another one this time ard....

home...

a war zone...

whr 6...4 exist...

a unit, a name, a house...

home...

i noe i dun belong here...

it may seem dat i do...

but i noe u took us here...

to this land away frm home...

u expect the best...

u expect the exemplary...

u expect more than this frm us...

i noe this is the last straw...

i noe...

u dun hv to tell me...

if its just for u to be happy...

sadly i'll just be...

if dats how u want the home to be...

home...

i guess when u hear the things u dun wanna hear frm those close to u, its serious. i noe this is cliche'd. but yea been hearin the same stuff over and over again for the past wk on. parents, teachers, friends. oh wells. wat else can i do sit here and complain?...

dadadum....

honestly if everything was dollars and cents i'd say i'm a liability. My economic value would be reli reli v.low. The demand for my services would definitely be low and the command for my wages would be low as well. I'd be a complete waste of resources. Imagine the investment on an inferior good. even if i get employed i'd be the first to be retrenched due to the structure of todays working world. i'd be only liable to a low skill job. Probably just sweeping the floor or somethin. if i had an innate ability my value would go abit higher but since i think i dun hv any, there goes a few more dollars.

money. more like MOANEY!!!

its all abt moaney isnt it? another wasted unit on the GNI scale, or probably not even included in it? and since there is no welfare i wont exist on the financial reports. wat a sad thing to happen. another permanent OPM(other ppl's money) user. wells of course i can do some simple jobs like wait on ppl, wipe the table or somethin. BUt the wages possibly cant take me through the entire mth if i were to live alone? even if i wanted to move out or sometihn, almost 75% of dat money would go to rent and bills(so picture my future dwelling place, a small hut(probably not even a hut) in the middle of nowhere with one lightbulb and a box for a mattress). Furthermore before i even speak of rent, a percentage i think abt 10 goes to savings.(forced savings)

Talk about living standards. They are so high tat even if i commit suicide it'll be too expensive to even bury me or even cremate me. Coz after all its dollars and cents. Moaney! come to think of it even if they do get a plot to place my body, they'd probably put me in a shoe box becoz dats probably as much as i can afford.

another digit. tats all i can say. another digit that will just fade away. another statistic with not even a confidence level tat is even confident enough. just part of this generation lost in a world whr moaning and groaning all day for pleasure is the key. technically its just growing ur neurons and releasing chemicals in ur brain to reach a sensation.

as a form of externality i'd be a negative one. for example given my character i might irk a third party member and may cause him/her unneccessary thoughts and unproper behaviour and make them be delusional about this whole philosophy called. hmmm. life?

It sucks.(pt) because it does.(reason) for example its like a thousand cockroaches crawling on u.(example)

COMMENTS:
pt is too simplistic but meets the requirement. HOwever, needs further elaboration. Expression problems. Example seems to be abit too farfetched. Something wrong with the sentence structure.

this is the problem when we dont reach our critical temperature! Because there is just too much disorder in the system! and dependin on wat system we are, we cant blame the surroundings becoz the system affects the surroundings right? well as far as i noe we're just potential energy waiting to burst. overall we are made up of some internal energy?

its simple. sine cosine cosine sine. 3.14159!!! logical, easy. even a 10yr old can do sec 1 work. just make sure u get ur general solution right and u can find almost every value you need. life involves many triangles. just make sure u get the right angle then u'll be all fine with ur toa cah soh!

the central problem of economics, hmmmm. SCARCITY!!! In knowing wat to produce, how to produce and for whom! firstly on scarcity, given the limited resources this day, our wants may not be totally met. Wat to produce? simple, A's. lots of it! How to produce? even simpler. sit down and just do lor. for whom to produce? who else? for you and for me and the entire universe?

leisure time=0
work time=12hrs-15hrs
sleep=5-7/8hrs
eat(including 3meals and snacks)=3-4hrs

does this mean STD of living go up???

wells must incur cost mah? look at our PPC. after all the main aim is to be able to produce good ans. but our marginal propensity to answer, well dun wanna mention it. but got high marginal propensity to fail! then due to multiplier effect u noe the rest!

oh wells back to the real world. if only it was just as easy to say all this. but reli i'm glad whr i m.(are you sure?) m glad tat i hv peace.(rite, peace? or piss?) m glad dat through the naggins i've found some positivity.(positivity? hahas u must be jokin!)

yea maybe i m. probaly i nvr did. wells penalise my coherence if i contradict! penalise my language if i lift! penalise me for being me! a social misfit! a dropout of society! penalise me for being me! an outcast! an unacceptable, unwanted digit. penalise me! coz utimately, penalise me! when i penalise me!

i was robbed! oh yes i was. i m broke becoz u just broke into my wallet! i noe its just moaney! and i noe i'm just moaning. hahas. cant believe i m. and probably u think over this dollars and cents? wells kp running! kp sayin wat ur sayin! ur guilt will add up. one day u'll just ans to HIm then. u cant even look into my eyes, furthermore theirs.(call me judgemental or wat hahas but wat more can i be? i'm probably like a stuff toy you go ard caressing all day and the nxt throw it ard and tear it up.)

tick tock tick tock there goes the clock! ur days r numbered boy! :)

if wat happens happens, i'll stand by you. yes i will. ur stil connected even though i m forgetting who r u. just like a ligand probably. how strong the bond is? wells lets put it to the test of time!

well as for the things u do, i dun wanna tell u wat to do. you noe yet u noe not. u say yet u do not. i noe ur havin gr8 time esp when the mom's out! probably frolicking around wonder land huh rem that song dat goes ur body is a wonder land? how's it so far? good huh especially the rollercoaster ride ending ultimately at the ecstacy of pure lust! mom noes. she noes the box u carry. and m shocked to noe big bro has a pack too! will i be an uncle soon! and i noe mom wont wanna see any bells ringing soon. i'm pretty sure. well one thing, if ur dimes are wat u think they r. they're sure its theirs, unless they werent used by others. are u sure they're urs?

parents. love em hate em. but i love em even more now.

"i wanna see your plan. And i hate to nag. BUt its for your sake."
"u cant rely on God's grace alone. there is a limit. God helps only those who do not sit and do not."
"one degree at a time."


in conclusion, this sums up one messy box.

i cant stand to fly...more than a bird more than a plane more than a pretty face...its not easy to be me...

WHO EVER SAID IT WAS??? hahas. the joke of the day. laugh while it lasts. coz i noe i'll be crying real soon and i noe even if i cry, u'll wipe those tears away coz hey hey shitty! shitty! fag! fag! its gonna be a new day ;0 (mind the explicitness)

so rejoice. and again i say rejoice! :)

sobering...

was blog hoppin just now and realised how strings connect and how fragile this lil strings are in our lives...

realised dat it doesnt reli matter much if ppl rem or forget ur birthday...it just gives u another reason to forget theirs...hahas kiddin...not saying anythin though but today was a far frm normal birthday celebration...guess everyone was busy in their lives or wat but reli i nvr had the expectation frm anyone lar even my family dun reli expect much and i guess its the lil things tat i reli lookout for so pls dun be irked if i dun reply to ur sms's or somethin probably i was too preoccupied with somethin dat i just forgot to reply...but wat i reli appreciated the most was the ROCK ONS...besides conceding to the fact that i am now not a teen but a ty and enduring the teasing of my v.ancient age lol...i reli enjoyed being with em...n i guess the greatest gesture was dat durin my entire day today the laughter and all, the brotherhood stands strong lar...of course i wont forget abt shi min and the inverse gift of a mango smoothie today...hahas it was unexpected lar...

though i may hv a lil smile on my face but reli in my heart i wish i could just say i love u guys alot even though it seems we all are walkin different paths...just by sayin happy birthday is enough for me...speakin abt bein easily contented i myself dunnoe how to express the gratitude inside...n yea jane gotta say m sorry dat i kept u waitin there...

anyway most of all i guess was the 2 msg's frm 2 v.dear ppl to me...and they said exactly the same thing but i guess most of all was wat my dad sent to me...

"Men may fail you but He is true to His word...PAPA"

this was the exact same msg he told me when i flunked my j1 in 2004...and the moment i read his msg today...it reminded me, it pricked me...dat indeed my dad has been looking out for me...and reli if i had all the superlatives in the world it would be dat even though i thought ur not there...in the shadows ur always there to remind me of the light...

honestly if this entire day was just abt raraing and all...i guess the whole meaning of Life would be lost in it...20 yrs...and the more i look back n the more i trudge forward...every yr is unique...just as this yr is...

and on this day as i look at those who remembered...it makes me wonder abt those who forgot...esp those i thought would remember...i noe i myself can forget and i'd like to take this time to say i'm sorry dat i did forget at all...and reli its just sobering to noe dat men will fail men...and it makes it more meaningful to treasure those dat remembered...

reli as the saying goes less is often more...i guess my birthday wish is just simple.... __ ____ __ ________ __ ______... dats all

i'd just like to say this dat somehow the events so far just line up...

if only it were as simple as takin a photograph of my thoughts and flashin it all here...showing the box tats sobering as this...labeled 170706...and its just half filled...