more conversations with supposedly older people

A noisy group of girls playing Taboo.

M: guess the word.it's a creature! A creature that Ainaa loves the most!
A: cats!
S: MEN!!

Everyone bursted out laughing

west ed mall was like pasar malam

Boxing day at Whyte Ave is way better than West Ed Mall. I got up early and proceeded to Whyte Ave first because I know them boysss will not wake up before 10 a.m. But I hated the idea of going to the mall after 10 a.m. because I would suffocate under the sea of people. Even faraw was out of reach, we suspected she was swallowed alive by the mall. I buckled up and went there anyways because someone asked a favour from me to buy something. If you think the line to get in the shop is long enough, wait until you see the line to pay; it winded through out the store up to the till! Thankfully the two abang-abang sensed my frustration with the intense and noisy shopping crowd so we proceeded to Moxie's for some peace and quiet lunch. They knew if we are eating at the foodcourt I would just burst under all the noise.

Boxing day yield: a lululemon athletica Quickstep Pants (yeay I have cool work out pants for gym/long distance travelling), a top from Covet, (yeay for early bird discount from Bamboo Ballroom at Whyte Ave!) and tons of good memory and good food.

Final exams are over

Not going anywhere for winter break, but my holidays will be far from hambar :)

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year everybody!

Long Silence

I knew what I wanted to write. Heck, I even made a full blown draft about it already. No editing, no fancy words. Stuff that came straight out of my gut. But that's what I'm afraid of. Over and over again I repeat to myself: Writing it for everyone to read means succumbing to it. I can't hide it from myself, no matter how I rename the title over and over again it is in there, somewhere. But I made a promise to myself that this time I MUST NOT succumb, MUST NOT give in. I MUST NOT repeat the same mistake again, doomed for failure and disaster.

Therefore I shall not publish it.

The end.

-------------------------

oh and and there was a bonus question for my Genetics final:

Name the Nobel Prize winner who just passed away last fall and was discussed in GENET390 class.

DR GOBIND KHORANA

MUAHAHAHAHAHAHA SCOOORREEE!!!

-------------------------

Hmm, I kinda like not having a Facebook. So I guess I'll be on tumblr and Instagram (fyi it is ainaass, for all you iPhone users out there) more often.

"Tread lightly, she is near
Under the snow
Speak gently, she can hear
The daisies grow"

Requiescat by Oscar Wilde

Post Created 2011-12-02 6:35:44 PM

the conversations I have with some 'fatherly' figures

Exhibit A

L:how does piercing feels like? I'm thinking about piercing my ears lah
Me:it's like getting an injection. Nak kata tak sakit tu tipu lah. I'm a bit of a cry-baby I hate needles
A:u tak suka needles??!! Sikit je kot! Nanti nak beranak mcm mana??!!

Exhibit B

Me: I like it here lah in Canada. I want to stay here
A: eh u nak kahwin dgn org sini ke? Bukan bapak u suruh kahwin dgn org melayu sahaja?!!

Regrets

Fall Term 2011 is coming to an end (last class will be on 7th December, like, next week!)

Last chance to have a meaningful conversation with that cute philosopher guy from music class

Last chance to go all out, hoping your final exams make up for that terrible midterm

Last chance to hang out with those about to graduate. Well they are not graduating yet but time is ticking.

Last chance to do something crazy. I'll leave that to your imagination.

Last chance to plan for winter break. But no more chance to save up, therefore I'll just stay in Edmonton.

And mama, please stop asking me if I have a boyfriend or not. You know the answer

And this wisdom tooth is bothering me. I don't like doctors (including dentists) but now Ainaa, you have to be a big girl

Post Created 2011-11-28 3:58:47 PM

Elusive, tsk. But I'm tired of running, chasing...
Nobody is playing hide and seek. But I just want to be found for once.

skiing

One of the joys of living in Alberta is playing all sorts of winter sports. You don't have to go far, it was about 30 mins only by lrt+bus. I gave up on snowboarding 2 years ago, but I've decided to switch to skiing. If my memory serves me right, it wasn't THAT hard when I tried for the first time in New Zealand. But here I am, blogging from bed with bruises, sore bum and shoulders from falling too fast (duh, not on the bunny hill lah obviously). Its ok, I actually had fun, if I practice more often maybe I'll actually be good at it

P/s: kat sini takde abang-abang senior yg pro main ski ke? Semua reti snowboard je...

will keep updating this

No facebook day #3:
-Baked/ cooked too much whenever boredom sets in
-No longer up to other people's business
-Got more text messages than usual because people have to contact me old school ie through the phone
-people are beginning to notice my absence from the virtual world. I'm not sick or depressed or broke I just need some time off and focus on more important things at the moment

feist's concert review

Managed to grab a pretty decent seat for Feist's concert (first balcony for $70 only whatttupp! :D ). Planned to get the main floor's seat but those were sold out. Practically full house...with 30/40 something women. Might be one of the youngest in the crowd, and it doesnt help that I'm going solo to this concert too.
Her latest album, Metals, contains sounds that I wasn't so sure if it was computer generated or played by instruments. I got this question answered when I saw the amount of instruments on the stage. It was possible to recreate all of those sounds in live performance! All of the instruments were placed closely together, giving the performance a much denser quality compared to the recordings.
Leslie Feist was not only a talented singer/ song-writer, but also a great performer. My $70 was so worth it!

For all you geneticist and biologists out there

RIP Dr. Gobind Khorana, winner of the 1968 Nobel Prize in Physiology and Medicine.

He was one of the scientist who discovered the triplet codon: three nucleotides in the RNA (which came from DNA) produces one amino acid.

He was also well-known for other things such as the first to synthesize a fully functional gene from off-the-shelf chemicals.

Btw, Happy 24 hours divorce anniversary, Facebook

I totally forgot that H&M X Versace was launched last Thursday. I was too preoccupied with my music assignment and chemistry analyses. I doubt if that collection was launched in Canada anyways.

But, I make up for that by going to the American Apparel warehouse sale. Plus I manage to snap some balcony seating tickets to watch Feist's concert this Sunday.

all in all, it was a good week :)

This isn't as 'sacred' or as 'fragile' as I thought it would be. I can bend and mould it as I see fit for myself.

Now that certain rules have changed, it is a different way to play this game.

-------------------------------------------------

Dearest, most acquainted Friend,

Sometimes I wonder is it a blessing or a curse that our path crossed. You have always pushed me to do better, look better, and feel better about myself, yet your method might be wrong or are against my principles. I'm not the perfect example, yet I feel that as a friend I have such a big obligation to take action. Not just sit and pray, hoping one day things will get better. I'm sure deep down inside, there is a part of you that wants to do it too, and your ego should not be stopping you.

Signed,

Your Friend, always.

--------------------------------

I have the urge to rebel, do exactly the opposite that you want me to, ignoring you, nananananana not listening to you

music 201

It is such a shame that I am unfamiliar with western paintings, western history and economics, western literature, and philosophy. And how my classmates are using these big words to debate their own stands and values. Ok I feel so inferior I'm gonna start reading more Jane Austen, Descartes (but strictly no Freud because it is against my scientific conscience) and start familiarising with Rembrandt's paintings.
Now off to Chapters to buy a book.

how jay ingram saved my university career

Today Jay Ingram from Discovery Channel's Daily Planet was invited to give a talk in my cell biology class. I recognised him from his voice. He took microbiology when he was an undergrad student at the U of Alberta (just like yours truly) and was clueless about what he wants to do next (again, just like yours truly). He loved science yet he hates working in labs (duh, yours truly, again) and he told us how he went from lecturing to broadcasting. He admitted that he made some mistakes along the way, and luck is a factor, yet to be lucky is to be able to take risks.
I would have never thought this is possible, as I thought my life is already set for me as a lab-bound microbiologist but there is more to that. I can definately use my science degree for something more than just research.

P/s: I have made a vow to stop shopping for new clothes/shoes/handbag/cosmetics/gadgets until I achieve my targeted grades. However, I am allowed to accompany my friend for his/her shopping trip but only to window-shop.

tsk,

Accidently cut a good 1 inch off my skin while peeling apples, leaving me with a bloody finger. Made cream puffs but it didn't turn out as good as it used to. Stuck with no ideas to write my take-home midterm essay. And you think running off to west edmonton mall tomorrow will solve your problems, Ainaa? Plus I have a feeling H&M X Versace will not be available in Canada. No wonder azman noticed my face was a bit cengkung than usual, something is literally consuming me.

album review

I rarely give out album reviews, but after purchasing Coldplay's Mylo Xyloto on iTunes I knew I had to write about it.

Mylo Xyloto is not just any album, its a concept album, probably the best one I've heard from the 21st century. Listening to the songs individually won't do any justice to a concept album, you have to listen to everything back to back. The occasional sparse music, combined with Chris Martin's crisp voice, gives it a lofty quality, very much like its titles: Hurts like Heaven and Paradise. While Every Tear is a Waterfall has very dense qualities and fast tempo, very much like a rush of water. Several short pieces blended seamlessly into much more longer songs. A Hopeful Transmission builds up to Don't Let it Break Your Heart, and if you listen carefully in the background there are echoes of "Hope" in Don't Let it Break Your Heart. The reverberating sounds that ended the same song continued to the last song Up with the Birds, concluding the whole album with yes, a sense of Hope for those who listen.

Coldplay, this album is sheer genius!

it runs in the family

Congratulations to my sister Amirot for your SPM Mara Trial Results! I'm not surprised, the over-achiever (or over-achiever wannabe) genes are in you

friday

The boy with courdroy pants
Sat beside me on the half-empty bus
On my way back alone from the mall
He did not stink at all
I steal glances
I see black-rimmed glasses
Random boy do I know you?
Please say hi if you do
Leave me your number
Maybe one day we can get coffee together

If you somehow come across this Boy With Courdroy Pants, you should be flattered :)

P/s:



"dalam banyak-banyak bulan, bulan apa paling jauh?"

Prof, Pizza, and Pop

I went to a 'Meet the Prof' night organized by the Molecular Biology Student Assoc., hoping to get to know a potential prof who might want to be my supervisor for my undergraduate research project. The problem is not finding the right prof, but answering the main question: What do I want to do? i.e. What interests me in the field of science?

Oh well, all hope is not lost.

At least I narrowed down to what area of microbiology I am interested in, its only a matter of being interested in what am I about to do.

Post Created 2011-10-11 6:58:35 PM

Doesn't matter if you are in a relationship or just normal friends, you're bound to hit that 'comfortable phase'.
You know, that phase when you can just casually lie down on his couch, sing out loud, or say "weyh sakit perut lah nak berrr".
This is when their true colours come out. Do you still laugh at their stupid jokes? Do you get offended when you're friend comments you look fat in that top? Flaws don't look too endearing now huh. From this point on, two or more people can make it or break it.

P/s: will be writing a take-home midterm next week. Wonder how that will work out hmm..

Happy Thanksgiving!

So I really need to run to the Lush Store because I'm running out of shampoo. Or maybe I'm just finding an excuse to walk out in the sun down Whyte Ave, maybe check out gravitypope shoes too. Or I'm just procrastinating my homework.

Meant to get my Lush shopping done since yesterday, but I was down with a massive headache after games, running and turkey picnic at the park (it was blazingly hot at 4 degrees celsius), then I got side-tracked by the boysss who invited me for cupcakes at Fuss. Even after I was stuffed with turkey, I will always have room for dessert.

Maybe I'll just get my shampoo tomorrow. Neglecting my homework right now does not seem like a good idea specially after I had a pretty good long weekend.

hahaha ok, I need a cuddle from a cat so bad

one more year

-Based on the marks I'm getting it looks as if I am in the wrong course.

-Or maybe marks are not an accurate reflection of what I have learnt.

-Or maybe I was being too ambitious in my choice of courses, biting off than I can chew.

Too late to turn back now. The best thing I can do is take one step at a time.

P/s: ahhh leganya dapat shopping!

I don't normally listen to Malay songs, but this song has been stuck in my head since Sadid/Syamil (can't remember which one) played it through their iPhone during the Banff road trip.

"ini tidak adil tidak adil bagi ku"

Baff National Park

Lost in the Sun's eye

I hear the winds whisper

"Let's stay like this forever"

Went to Banff National Park with friends for the weekend hoping to camp out but it was too cold. We took the hostel instead. All the mountains and lakes were beautiful, but Banff Town was equally pretty too. It was such a touristy place, with rows and rows of cute shops nestled between mountains. The next time I visit Banff I'm going to spend at least 2 days just hanging around the town.

P/s: Please pray for my friend who had an accident during this road trip. She will be getting a surgery ASAP, hopefully tomorrow. Be strong, I know you are.

trade-off

How long does it take for a boy to grow up into a man

I seek a drop of your intelligence from Your sea of wisdom, for I seek more than the perfect grade. For my words, my ideas, my wit, I owe it all to You.

Amin. Let the writing begin.

Burning the midnight oil.

Tyra Banks was right. The best item in your make up bag is sleep (I got this from Raj in Big Bang Theory). But I have to admit I agree with that. No amount of concealer can completely erase my under eye dark circles; they only lighten them. And no amount of eye shadow can brighten up my tired and dull face.

Homework and assignment keep piling up as much as I pile on my concealer.

But no matter how busy I am, I promise myself to make it to the mountain road trip next weekend. Will be heading up to Banff before the snowing starts. I admit, I am more of a city urban girl, not much of a nature person. Nevertheless, I am still excited.

a-ha moments of the week

- Just when you are about to say "He's a great guy", you realized he wasn't so great after all :)

- People don't really say what they mean.

They don't really mean what they say either.

- Sometimes, things don't always go as planned. But it is ok, always have plan B but keep on praying that plan A works somehow.

- Be thankful for the privileges you get.

- There is a fine balance between surviving and being selfish.

Temperatures fluctuates,
Human complicates,
Inconsistent words,
manipulates,
Believe in the One that Creates,
For God never procrastinates.

Realised what I missed most
Was the company of people
Not one, but two or three
The laughter of many
Them, he, and she

drops of jupiter

Blogging between the Train intermission while waiting for Maroon 5 to perform. Masih angau kat lead singer Train and Matt Nathanson lagi <3

Re-blogging after the concert was over:
Adam Levine from Maroon 5 was so hot, even if his talking voice was surprisingly pitchy, squeeky, and sengau. But its ok, sengau itu sexy (only for Adam Levine).

'Super Senior'

That was the term coined by my two abang-abang (Azman and Bo) because we are already in our 3rd and 4th year. I didn't realise how significant that term was until we met our juniors that just arrived last week from Malaysia. I remembered how I was the first day I arrived in Edmonton, I admit I did need some guidance from my peers but I was not THAT clueless or naive. Hmmpph kids these days are just too pampered, pfft! So I gave them a surprise visit with a female friend and a few elder malaysians (not students) to smooth things out and help them get settled.

Ps:
One male junior shaved off the side of his head, and mohawked the top of his head. Plus he dyed the mohawk orange. "Macam ****** lah Ainaa" said The Birthday Boy. I had to laugh that totally made my day.

time to grow up

I am writing this as I am lying down on one of the couches in the lounge at Incheon Airport, Seoul, Korea. My parents insist that I check in one of the lounges. In fact they insisted on a lot of things. Don't choose the seat that is way to the back of the plane. Don't put my purse in the top compartment of my bag. Don't this don't that. I know they are worried, and they want the best for me, but all this fussing made travelling very stressful for me. Maybe months from now I will miss all these attention from my parents but for the mean time, time to grow up Ainaa.

Ps: back to single bed from a queen sized bed. I am back in Edmonton :)

flight's tomorrow

This is my last night in Malaysia and I find myself contemplating thoughts that I dismissed 2-3 years ago. Thoughts shall remain as thoughts, as no action will be taken because I'll head back to Canada tomorrow. Leave tomorrow with no regrets, Ainaa.

the end.

My summer holiday is coming to an end and I am about to leave for Edmonton in less than 10 days. Every summer is a time of reflection; how things have changed, how much I've grew up, how much my perspective have changed since last summer. I'm sure by next summer if I re-read this post, I am not the same Ainaa ever again.

when your cat is HIV positive

Neko has been unwell for the past one week. Who would have thought it was caused by FIV (a cat's version of HIV)? The vet did not mention about euthanising my cat yet, but I have to be mentally prepared if that happens. I lost one cat already (Dude), I am facing the possibility of losing another one.

i don't mean to complain but...

I am usually not the type to wallow in my own misery and let the boredom take over me, but this is just too much. Project Runway, The Big Bang Theory, discovering new bands, practicing the keyboard, baking, and sewing has lost its appeal. I even succumbed to watching cartoons on Disney Channel. It is already 1.30pm but I refuse to get out of bed until something exciting happens. Till then, my dream world is far more interesting than my real life.

:(

So my parents said a big fat NO to me visiting South America. I've always wanted to go to Mexico or Peru, and well, there goes my dreams of visiting the Macchu Picchu. According to them, its a place full of drug cartels, and it has one of the highest rates of kidnapping.

in words of Tim Gunn: Make It Work, Malaysia!

While I was browsing through the malls in KL and Subang Jaya, I can't help but feel some things are just not 'wearable' in Malaysia. The yearly spring/summer and fall/winter is irrelevant in Malaysia's weather. We need our own cycle. Furthermore local, affordable brands need to be modernize, up-to-date, because we still fail to produce our own Forever 21, H&M, Uniqlo (mass produced, affordable stuff but still looks pretty) yet still remain undictated by the western point of view.

Dedicated to those unsure about the future

When you like something so much, you want the whole world to know that is your passion. That's the point of my blog. I wouldn't call what I always write about (friends, clothes, food, travel) as my 'passion', sounds too superficial right? It has to be something intellectual, something serious.

I don't know what I am going to do with the rest of my life. I do know what kind of job a microbiologist can do, how much is my salary, where can I work etc. But if people keep insisting do what you like best, I can't really keep giving reviews about food, writing about where I went and talk about clothes. After all, we are expected to have a serious career and get a serious job once we get a serious degree to seriously make money. Not talk about clothes.

instant gratification

I am the type of person who wants instant gratification. I take pills, I want to get better immediately. I work out, I expect to see some numbers change (either on the scale or my clothing size). I want something, I gotta have it now. I study, I expect to see good exam results. People can tell patience is not really my strongest virtue

What I need to know right now is some things do take time.

cupcake chic @ sunway pyramid

The price is only 1/3 of the normal price of the normal price of cupcakes in Edmonton, hence you get only 1/3 of the Edmontonian size too.
Believe me, I've been to almost all cupcake shops there is in Edmonton. I love cupcake so much that my friends gave me 2 dozens of cupcakes instead of the regular cake for my 20th birthday.

(Sebenarnya saya ada cita-cita terpendam nak jadi host di Travel and Living Channel atau The Food Network.)

of beauticians and dentists

Having facials is like going to the dentist. Its painful, but you have to do it. Plus I am not blessed with a flawless and clear skin. Its not that I don't know how to clean my own teeth, just like I know how to wash, moisturize, scrub etc, but sometimes you just have to leave it to the experts. It has never been a 'pampering moment' for me. No it does not mean I am a high maintenance person, it just means that I value my skin as much as my dental hygeine.

P/s: i have no idea what she put on my skin. Now its red and dry. My cheeks resemble an edible ripe tomato

pfft

I'm glad to be home, don't get me wrong. Everything I want I can get it here without worrying. I don't have to think about my allowance, and food is readily available. I don't have to do the dishes or cook dinner.

But I miss going out and doing whatever I want whenever I want. I miss socializing, being in the constant company of people day and night. I never have to report to anyone who am I with, why am I with that person, and I don't have to go home if I don't want to.

Is this the price of my freedom?

secret recipe @ bukit jelutong

Kat edmonton jumpa orang sama, kat Malaysia jumpa orang sama.. Sigh, I think I need a life lah. But thanks sebab belanja cake!

cravings

I was never the girl who counted calories when I eat, never could go on a diet, rarely skip dessert, although I do strive for a healthy, balanced (sometimes organic) meal.

However being back in Malaysia I find the food taste is too strong. Too spicy, too salty, too sweet, too excessive. Maybe I was used to the bland, boring mat saleh palate and suddenly there are fireworks in my mouth.

mreowowow

Sedapnya tidur dalam bilik Ainaa

dome @ klcc

No pictures needed to remind me of the (almost) brother I never had.

delish @ mid valley megamall

Lunch at Delicious @ Mid Valley Megamall. I miss the large Canadian serving portion. Malaysia should be more generous, because I am still not full after eating my main course!!!

11.25pm

This unexpected freedom bestowed upon me was a blessing in disguise. Never did I felt my mind was opened up to different possibilities. Ideas flowed easily, I don't have to think about anyone but myself. So right now, I will do what I see is right for myself: I choose to leave. If anyone else thinks otherwise, they should give me back the reason for me to stay.

what you don't know won't hurt you

I just realised that my ambitions of becoming the next Anthony Bourdain contradicts with my principles as a microbiologist.

How am I going to be able to enjoy the good street food sold at road side stalls (like pisang goreng or roti canai) if I keep noticing the moulds, spores, and hazardous pathogens??

Lately I insist that the restaurant kitchen cooks my burgers and steak until there is no hint of pink-ness at the centre of the meat. But to my disappointment, I get a big piece of blackened meat, rendered to its absolute carbon form.

I am not paranoid, I just don't want to be infected by Salmonella sp. or Campylobacter jejuni or E. coli and get Guillaime-Barre syndrome.

the grass is always greener on the other side

Take a look around you. Only sand and wind, this is a freaking dune. The scent of valley flowers still strong on her clothes, heady and intoxicating. But that was the past, now move on quick and fast. There is nothing for you here. What is that, an oasis? Don't be fooled by the mirage and mind tricks.

she blows hot, she blows cold

This idle mind breeds poisonous thoughts. It needs to be occupied by something. Not just a hobby, but something it is passionate about, for my mind have been known to loose interest in things quickly.

Post Created 2011-07-07 11:18:37 PM

Confession:
I have a soft spot for cruel, scheming, selfish women in movies or TV series. The character that everyone hates. And it doesn't bother me that the character does not end up happily ever after. For example Anne Boleyn from The Tudors.

Seoul

He chose a dark corner for some privacy. (Oh boy, this is going to get messy). He gruntled. Sweating, he dug in, hungry for the main course. I on the other hand, had to sample everything. He skipped the kimchi, the bean sprouts, and the seaweed. Too sour for him I guess, plus he hated bean sprouts anyways. That was my first official encounter with proper korean food. Yes, it was in Edmonton, Canada.
I was never a Korean-phile (is there such word? I know Francophile exists). But when a friend suggested to go to Seoul I was more than excited to go. Seoul is a lot like Hong Kong, only cleaner, more expensive, and prettier too. The only downside is these people do not know how to speak english (kata negara maju, nak cakap bahasa orang putih pun susah!!!). Vanity and image are two most important things for Koreans, so that's why I guess this place is such a shopping heaven.
I will definately go there again, for I have sold my soul and left my heart in Korea.

Summer in Edmonton is hot. It is burning my skin as much as my temper is burning my head. My MacBook was stolen, my cat is lost back at home (Dude is probably dead by now), and airport regulations allows me to check in one luggage only! Plus the stress of settling things after exams is just too much
Thank god I'm going on a vacation in less than 2 days, will reach home in less than 1 week.

When I was young and foolish, I did not understand why my parents (especially my mum) emphasized and pushed me so hard to do these things:
1) Read a lot.
2) Pray, besides training me to fast during Ramadhan.
3) Study really hard.
4) Go for extra classes during weekends or after school, like swimming, karate, and Quran recitation classes
5) Prevent me from snacking on Coca-Cola, chips, etc in excessive amounts

Now I am grateful and I understood why

There's a battle raging over here and I can't compete. At first we see it as a race, only the best and the fittest will get the most rewards. The ones left behind are ok, they will somehow manage to get to the finishing line. Now it is like a survival game. One by one I see my fellow comrades fall, either they give up, gone crazy, or got eaten up by the elements. I thought it might never happen to me, until I see the ones closest to me struggling to keep her head up above the surface. Sharpen your daggers people, and make alliances, you may never know who will be going home next.

Self-discovery of the day: I hate writing notes/assignments on papers with lines. Honestly, I can't really seem to follow the blue lines that was given on the page. Then again, I was never good at doing things in a systematic way anyways. Perhaps that's how my head looks like - A jumble of mess that only I can understand.

maximise your doh-lah dah-lings

I may not be able to afford that Maison Martin Margiela shoes, do not own any Naked&Famous denim, and prefer not to buy any Coach bag. Yet don't lie to me and say my $10 sunglasses don't look expensive, my clearance 7 for All Mankind denim is not pretty, and PVC aldo clutch is not glamorous. It is you who don't know how to choose expensive things that well, actually look expensive
I'm not cheap. I'm just frugal.

easy come, easy go

I can't seem to erase and forget that night when you were already bundled up and shivering despite it was only +2 degrees celsius outside. I smile to myself everytime that image comes to my mind.
Don't get me wrong. It is not because I find joy in watching people suffer. But it is because I rarely see the vulnerable, weaker side of you. You ain't no Superman after all.

of expectations

Looking at the pairs of people around her. Been there, done that, she said. She is not missing out on anything, that's why she's not doing it again. She knows she has more to offer, so she is determined to not settle for anything less.
People say, the key to happiness is 'expect less'. But why is there is also a saying that goes 'aim for the stars. If you fall, at least you land on the sky'?

A stack of pictures, "Oh, what do we have here!"

Holding on to what was dear

Their laughters was still ringing in her ear

But she was ready to move on, without any fear

I change my mind:

I was never, and never will be, a fan of running or jogging. People say the clean air cleanse your mind and the adrenaline frees your soul. But the only thought I get is "Oh my god, I must be panting like a dog" and the only thing that is running free are my sweat. Extremely unflattering. I confess, when I run with friends is mostly because I want to socialise and hang out with them, not to work out. Who am I kidding.

spring term so far

Back to school. Back to the usual chaos of "What to wear?" and "What to eat?" for tomorrow. Back to cramping pre-lab readings the night before. It all feels too familiar, like something already pre-programmed in my head since the first year. I am taking only 2 subjects this term: Biochemistry 200 and Calculus 113. Biochem was easy to love, probably because the instructor was so enthusiastic, yet I'm not so sure about Calculus. Math and numbers were never my forte, however it is pretty much a review course from Calculus I took in Grade 12 way back in Taylors.

At the end of the day, I don't want to be too ambitious, yet a part of me tells me that I should not underestimate myself. Have confidence in yourself Ainaa, confidence.

On the lighter note:

Presentable outfit? check. Makes jokes that I can actually laugh about? check. Enjoys the same music as I do? check. Works out? check. Invites me to run with him at the park? Double check. Likes to eat? Triple check. Potential new bestie? Positive.

Well, the gaps between my classes are kinda...empty. With no best friend to hang out with at the moment (he went back to Malaysia a few weeks ago), it is kinda sad to have lunch by yourself. Might as well I make new friends, right?

A little crush a little too late

Yes, this is an ooey gooey cheesy confession post

There you are. Across the floor, directly in front of me. Plaid shirt, skinny jeans, Fred Perry shoes, wearing a mysterious air that hangs around you. Your serious face don't scare me. Standing alone as usual, you don't really belong to a group of friends. When I see you, automatically an indie song starts playing in my head, usually Death Cab for Cutie or Radiohead or REM because its one of your favourite bands. I know you are not shy. We've sat together for more than 30 minutes and conversation flowed easily. When we bump into each other at the Engineering building you always give me a half-smile, you rarely smile at all anyways. "Independent" is the best word to describe you. Too bad you are graduating this year. I would love to get to know you better and pick your brains out to know what is happening inside that pretty little head with curly hair.

I went to malls because the buzz fills in the loneliness. I have not slept on my own bed for days because I hate waking up to an empty home. In fact, I fall asleep easier when I'm sleeping with a friend. My study buddy understands that sometimes what I need is the company, not the conversations; we can sit beside each other for hours and not say a single word. I'm quiet around people I don't know, yet I love attending parties and gatherings. I guess I need to be surrounded by people, that's all.

I feel truly honoured when my friends invited me over and I am allowed to go inside their room. The layout of the room is totally foreign, yet it is filled with things that are vaguely familiar. I can point out the things that they wear or bring to school, snacks on their table that they used to share, little things that matter like pictures or calendars. The room smells like that perfume they wear everyday, except their own familiar scent is stronger. Rooms are basically their well-guarded sanctuary, an insider piece to their everyday lives. Bars of privacy has been lifted, leaving no gaps between us.

God, bless the owner of this room, bless this person for sharing with me a slice of their live. Amin.

Its 15 degrees outside and what am I doing? Stuck at the library studying for final exams. Sigh. Have not been out in the sun out that much, although my house mate did notice I'm getting tanner than usual. I'm not that much of a talker when I see people in the library; usually when a friend sit beside me I would just smile and pretend to be really studying. But right now a familiar face in the midst of chairs and mossy green walls would be really nice. Perhaps I'm getting all that tan from sitting in front of the computer screen waaaay too much.

I glanced sideways, looking at your extended hand, showing me your new watch, searching for approval.

"Pretty", I said, referring to your 700 dollar watch and arm. Leather straps hugging your wrist neatly and tightly.

I don't wish it was mine, both your watch and your arms. But I wish I had more, because I know I'm not anything less.

Happy 20th Birthday Ainaa

It's true

One human can be two

Real life or online

Which one is the pseudo version of you?

Birthday celebration round-up:

1) 2 dozens of surprise cupcakes from the girls.

2) Plus one big seriously big card from them too.

3) Sushi with the abang-abangs (tapi diorang tak belanja booooo!)

4) Later, 2 pints of ice-cream (hah yang ni diorang belanja) and movies at their place later

5) The usual coffee and brunch with my best friend on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday mornings. (Today, I INSISTED that he belanja me an ice capp. I know your ego is bigger than mine, so I gave you a little push)

6) Got a call from mom. Showed her my new Kenneth Cole heels (in my defense I bought those to treat myself), she showed me her new Iphone 4. Dad showed me my future Ipad (my birthday gift!) can't wait to go home this summer!

All the important people in my life are AWESOME :D

Thanks everyone!

Don't think about tomorrow

Recklessness will drown your sorrow

Must stop dwelling in this burrow

Take this boat, just row and row and row

I've seen so much more

The present, and the ones before;

The best

The worst.

But being the closest-

That is my focus

Playing stylist

I must confess, I use Looklet.com (thanks Wayne!) to play dress up sometimes.

In my imagination I am like:

Or maybe like:

But honestly this is my uniform to class everyday (plus the hijab):

Cardigan, shirt, jeans, sneakers, or Uggs, and backpack. Lame, I know

I'm a cat. I don't like showers.

But I like to lie down on the warm bed. And get cuddles and being picked up by humans. But nobody wants to play with a smelly cat right.

Ugh, can I just lick myself clean?

I was falling into a black hole. No, I jumped into a black hole. Now I can't get out. It keeps sucking me in, and I know no one can save me. But right now I feel like I'm falling much slower, or time just passes by faster. I can't really tell. So this time when I crash and burn, it probably won't hurt that bad

Your eyes,

My hands.

Your smell,

My senses.

Your stories,

My secrets.

mental note

although it's still snowing, I already have a mental note of which shoes I want to buy for spring/summer:

Birkenstock sandals for everyday wear. Comfortable yet dressy enough to wear for classes. Look at that grooves to support the arch of your feet.

Minnetonka moccasin. I love how that smooth suede rubs on my feet. The native beading is a plus point too.

Notice that when I choose shoes, I'm all about comfort.

All shoes taken from my favourite shoe store in Edmonton, gravitypope.com

And the reality is..

I lived with my parents for the past 18 years, and I can still remember how eager I was to get out of my comfort zone and move to Canada to study. No parents, my own apartment, a whole new place to explore. Independence never felt so good.

But I've learnt that freedom comes with a price.

Responsibility is not just another 'grown up' thing. If you're messed up, you fix yourself up. You pay your own bills, you buy your own grocery, you do your own laundry, you cook your own dinner, and most importantly, you be a good girl.

Money is not something you get at the push of your ATM button. Sure, you might have your daddy's supplementary credit card, but after managing your own money you will feel a slight guilt after swiping and signing your name on that bill that will be charged to him.

People can be nice. People can be bad. And there's the naive, and manipulative. Stop saying you don't deserve to be judged because sometimes, that's the truth. Learn to accept that the only reason Humans are like that well, because, they ARE like that.

So suck it up princess. This is where life begins

Weekend are for the Warriors

Very productive weekend:

-A birthday combo surprise birthday party. Two birthdays in one day! Then it was girls-night-in. Sleepovers and gossips as usual.

-Went to the microbiology lab (on a Saturday woot woot!) to do further tests on the current research I am doing, called environmental survey to test how clean my kitchen is.

-Did some immunology and infection revising for my midterm. Currently my favourite subject in all of my science courses because viruses are fascinating 'creatures' (although theoretically they are not a living thing)

-Went to the gym. Trying to get back into the habit of running/swimming at least 3.5km. I used to run more than that everyday back home on the treadmill.

-Bought dumbells. (you can tell I bought this out of guilt because the only regular exercise I've been getting are my Judo classes)

uncertainity

What if,

I take a little bite,

Just a nibble,

To know what it tastes like?

What if,

I crossed that line,

Then I realised I don't like what's on the other side,

Can I tip toe back inside?

What if,

I stay put, stay still,

Would that actually change

The way you feel?

Reading Week

A round up of my very erm, 'productive' Reading Week, because everyday I went out and I did not waste one day buried under blankets. I shall not be deterred by the -30 degrees weather outside!

- Went to Wayne's house to give Cain (his cat) some hugs and cuddles. THAT CAT IS SO FLUFFY I'M GONNA DIE ARGGHH SO FLUFFAAAY! God, I miss cats :( Wayne taught me how to use GarageBand on macbook. Messed around with his synthesiser, which only had 2 octaves but it was much more versatile than keyboard. The. Most. Coolest. Thing. Ever. Recorded a few crappy songs. God, I miss playing music :(

- Bought my first 7 for All Mankind jeans! Next one on the list: Rock and Republic jeans, but that will just have to wait until the next sale season. I have always wanted a pair of those ever since I saw them on Teen Vogue when I was 15. Yeah, my designer jeans fetish goes waaay back then :D

- Went to the boys' house. Melawat abang-abang lah katakan. Had some Genetic tutorial and got past year's question from Hilmi, watched tv, baked some pies. Yes, we made pies together. I felt like a mum to 5 hungry sons. "Sentuhan seorang wanita", bak kata Bo. They are the ones who bought all the groceries and ingredients. Thanks boys!

That was pretty much the highlight besides the usual stuff like sleepovers with the girls, going to the mall and watching movies with my best friend, etc.

"Coz I like to be gone most of the time and you like to be home most of the time. If I stay in one place I loose my mind I'm a pretty impossible lady to be with" - Kimya Dawson, Tire Swing

Purpose

I heard a very good advice

"Put the world in the palm of your hands. Be prepared to let it go, because what matters most is already in your heart."

Which made me realise

I have not been "giving" as much,

so that's why I have not "receiving" all the things that I wanted too.

so yeah, I should probably write a story..

Crossing, erasing, but nothing came out. Not that I don't have anything worth writing about, but I couldn't bring up the courage to write it. I am intimidated by the power of words. Writing it out means I'm admitting to my crimes. Writing out means I'm surrendering, speaking with my heart more than with my head. Writing out means I'm just to weak to resist my own thoughts, my own worst enemies.

I am not lost, just wondering around aimlessly. So don't bother finding me. I can dig up my own worms and sleep with the wolves.

I learned something new today:

The lesser things I have, the more resourceful I become

So close, I can see my reflection in your dark brown eyes
Too close, don't you think so

I have a soft spot for:

1) Guys who look like they are going on a hike. Preferably older guys. Big North Face Bags, cable knitted sweaters, unshaven faces. Sometimes scruffy is sexy.

2) Well-groomed Asian boys. Preferably boys my age. They smell good. Shirts and cardigan, and please, no converse shoes. Glasses are a plus. Sometimes serious is sexy.

3) Half asian/half caucasian, however you may put it. Best of both worlds, enough said. Sometimes, Sam Tsui is sexy.

:)

I might be indecisive,

but once I know what I want,

I swear

I will get what I want

Story of my life

Started with a thread. Woven together so tightly, sealed with a knot.

The end

great Canadian discoveries

1. Music: Metric
2. Clothes: Lululemon, Urban Outfitters
3. Skin care product: Lush
4. Entertainment: Operas and concerts
5. Food: Donair, New York Fries Veggie Works, Tim Horton's French Vanilla coffee
6. Sports: Toboggans (is that even a type of sports???)
7. Everyday phrases: SEJUK GILER/PANAS GILER/LICIN GILER (the road)/KERING GILA (my skin)

saya tak suka belajar benda ni. saya tak tahu kenapa saya ambik bidang ini (oh yea, sebab saya suka tengok apa jadi kalau buat dihybrid cross maka terus berangan apa phenotype offspring kalau saya kahwin dengan prince william apa probability anak saya berhidung mancung dan tidak bermata sepet).

ok, mak saya kata "malas belajar??? habis tu, balik lah kahwin je lah!".

Alah, kalau tak jadi biotechnologist yang berjaya bukak je lah kedai muzik Yamaha satu. Atau Kumon satu. See, tak perlu degree pun nak jadi businesswoman yang berjaya!

come to think of it,

saya pun dah penat asyik-asyik menghadap benzene ring dan pentose ring pelbagai jenis carbon ring. kalau diamond ring tak apa jugak!

From Punk Goes Pop Vol. 3

Artist Vs. Poet's cover of Bad Romance. Two words: Hebat dowh!

want!

gaaahhh wowowow the coolest sunnies I've seen so far. They remind me of Anthony Bourdain and John Lennon. I swear, my mom wore those when she was my age too. These are Ray-Ban, available online only from my favourite store Urban Outfitters

John Lennon in something similar:

So.Damn.Cool.Sangat sangat!

A bite of the poisonous Big Apple

My first impression of New York was hot, sweaty, and dangerous. After I put that up as my fb status Azman commented "cik ainaa, u made NY sound like a man". Come to think of it, actually it is true, New York was like a man that I had fun with but I don't wanna be stuck with for a long time.

How did I fell in love with something so raw, unforgiving, and thrilling? My ideal holiday was never filled with images of hostel with bunk beds (by the way I stayed at the Columbus Circle Hostel, not HOTEL!), dirty subway rides (there were rats eww), and muddy sidewalks (NYC please fix your septic and sanitation).

I don't find those disgusting things endearing, yet I learn to find the beauty in the ugly. A long, bumpy subway ride will lead you to SoHo, which has Dean and Deluca, my favourite store. Why? Because they sell exotic, gourmet food. Everyone else was busy rushing off to the nearby Levi's store but leave me here with a good cup of coffee and some rugelach (a pastry, something like a baclava but less sweeter), you will get a very happy Ainaa. Wasted half a day waiting in line to see the Statue of Liberty, but you will end up meeting a street busker that knows how to play Negaraku.

You completely exhausted me, sickened me, beat me up, yet I was grateful that our paths crossed briefly New York. May you continue to prosper under the Jews and Mexicans who seemed to love you more.