Ambivalent feelings

Being ambivalent have their advantages and disadvantages, one of the advantages are that you're not that picky, because when something like food or restaurants looks good, you're open to any suggestions. Their disadvantages is I think most likely got to do with feelings and emotions.

I've started dating again, well, I'm not looking for love and relationship at the moment, but I think about it now and again, I do need some sort of companionship. And perhaps companionship could grow into something more meaningful. My date yesterday was an eventful one, we had so many things in common with respect to family and relationships. We found ourselves talking about a lot of things under the cool breeze of the South China Sea. It was nice to finally date a gentle being. So far, I've experienced that my date was very calm and gentle.

I must admit that I am quite attracted to my date, which ruins my decisiveness. But I am sure that the least that I want out of my date is friendship and companionship. I guess all in good timing. My best friend asks me, when we are not ready for love, how do we know that when we shutdown true love when it's staring you in your face, that we'll not regret it for the rest of our life. And how do we know that it is true love in the first place. Chicken and egg situation.

I sometimes find it frustrating, when I see people seek true love as if in a snap of a finger and they look so happy. When I have to go through so much thoughts and emotions to make my decision. My Dear Lily told me, love is like gambling, sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't, and sometimes, we'd have to make it work, like playing cards, you change cards until you get a strong hand.

I often ask myself, does my readers think I'm a stupid fool? Falling for the same mistake over and over again? Do you? Do you think that I'm not ready for love? Do you think that my life is a mistake? Do you think that I should stay single? I got a mentor that tells and gives me advices. And sometimes feel strongly about what she said, I wish I am as strong as her, inside out. I should have faith in myself, but sometimes, it's just so hard when you feel like a balloon bouncing in the big blue sky hoping for the wind to blow you the right way... It's weird huh? But anyway, enough ranting...

xoxo

something to read...

Hariz sent me a message recently telling me that they are feeling lost. First question that comes to mind is "Why? Why are you feeling lost?" The second question would be "What made you feel that way?"

Is that not the natural way of thinking in which we humans comprehend emotions? As time goes by, I could not help but wonder how emotions are affected by our surroundings and how we are feeling affects the surroundings.

Actions and reactions by people around us, whether intentional or not, has a major effect on how we feel. Regardless whether those actions were directed to us or not. Could you put yourself in a situation where someone was getting verbally abused? We do not know those people, but we definitely feel bad inside. Or the time when someone was given an award, how happy we are when they are the people that we look up to receive it.

Now, I believe that human beings are social creatures and in a post-modernist point of view, we are greatly affected by our surroundings. So when we want to change our moods and emotions, we try to change the environment. When you are angry, you do not want to be in an "angry" environment. Closed areas, hard music and striking colored walls. What we want to do is to alleviate the painful expression, and move into either a calm, or joyful environment.

Onto how our emotions affect our surroundings. If you think this does not happen, guess again. It does happen, so you should read on so that you are aware.

We tend to think people make us feel bad, but we do not realize that we make other people feel bad too, especially when we are feeling not so well. Our body language, the choices of words, facial expression... these things will affect our surroundings. I do not want to go too deeply into this, but try to reflect and think about it. Is it true that there are times when we are angry we tend to pick fights with people, only to say "I'm sorry, i was not in a good mood just now," later? How people can be depressed when we are depressed? It all goes in full circle.

This rambling has gone too long, I could make a case-study out of this, but I will not. So to end the post, try to ask yourself this question whenever you feel lost, "Why am I feeling this way?" and "Should I think too much of this, or will I go forward?" Until another question poses in front of you, I bid my farewell...

p/s:zai..hope ur reading it..

the occasional ranting session

that's just the thing you know...

Sompe people are just destined to grovel at their ex's feet....sigh* when u think of it, i dont know whether to call it destiny or simply a character flaw...but some people are just like that..me for instant, no matter how much they get hurt, they come crawling back to the person who hurt them..

kenapa kan? why? what is it about emotional pain and ultimate bitchiness that i find so attractive? why do i always go back to the person who hurts me the most? mengapa tani mcm nda pandai kan fade-up? we know were gonna get hurt again and again and again and again...and we STILL go back... i dunno what to call..wether its love or just plain stupidity..sigh

i believe God made each of us a perfect partner,
i believe God is fair,
i believe we are all meant to be happy in a way,
if we could just find that hapiness somewhere over the rainbow of life...

but then again, to embrace with eagerness the very source of ur misery, the root of your biggest problem and the cause of ur hatred simply...not NORMAL. apakan? blind? nda lgi kan fikir dua kali....tarus go. Woa, Brave la tu kununnya. is that what you want me to say? no...we go speechless.. because human instinct tells us to avoid danger. but not us. we langgar sja the danger half-assed,not even think twice...

im telling you that you wouldnt come out unscathed from it. but when ur done groveling and digging ur own grave, dont come to anyone. its not like you didnt know you's get hurt. dont raint ur bestfriends day with ur presence...they spend enough effort and time to make u see whats good for u. tpi if what they say just comes out of the other ear, buat apa...sia sia sja....
save their limited heartbeats and sleep......

incoherent ku eh uleh nya... stress ku benda cemani ani....ergh... WHY?? WHY??

entah

Semampunya ku mencoba
Tetap setia menjaga segalanya
Demi cinta yang tak pernah berakhir
Ohhh…

I’m in my room bjaruk for the week. Just to kind of… do my work. InsyaAllah, it’ll be done this week. And I can work on it over the weekend.
That’s it.

I had ecstacy. An ecstacy I never intended to consume.

paul's choclate macaroon, thanx Sis for balikan me....!

mind the gap

Being away from the people you love and miss, makes you do silly things... I for one, am part of the unlucky few. Not stupid, just silly-not-what you-would-do-everyday kinda stuff. I miss Singapore and I'm looking forward to getting back soon.....
Every morning I get to thinking on how my day would turn out like? I wonder if I'll get through it? I wonder what dissapointments I'll face today? I wonder if my situation with 'her' will be better today than it was yesterday? I wonder if she will start talking to me today? I wonder if I'm in her thoughts today?
So many questions and yet, rarely any answers.....

Too much craving Fot SUSHIII...... <3

Listen up

Why is it that sometimes the only thing that expresses how you feel is the melody emanating from your headphones? We all have a soundtrack to our lives. What's yours? Are you a bubble-gum pop chick, or do you like gritty music? Do you crush on indie rock guys or are you more of a hip-hop girl? And when you listen to music, do you prefer to do it alone, or are you totally into the sticky floors and crowds of concerts? I want to hear what rocks your world!..

XoXo

Life Lesson

You know how sometimes, no matter how self-assured and confident you feel or how hippie-bohemian-bouncy your hair is or how much you KNOW how good your new skinny jeans look tucked into your perfectly distressed leather cowboy boots, just one snarky comment can turn your whole day from fabulous to flawed? Instead of dwelling on it, I've found the best thing to do is be your own biggest fan. Just remind yourself why you rock—whether it's your killer smile, snarky sense of humor, or fierce friendships—and who cares what other people think! What about you? What's your best pick-yourself-up technique?

XoXo

Tricks

It has been a week already that we are in June. Things are not doing good so far. I am still not happy. Despite all the sadness i have to endure this June, someone has put a little smile on me. After been longing it for so long i finally got it. Not gonna put into details there as it is very sensitive. But all i could say is i still can’t believe it happen. It was all of sudden. And yeah, i have to make a call for it rather than that person. Ish......

Anyway, i just don’t understand why some girls or boys have to play dirty tricks to get someone. For instance, a friend broke up with her bf because her bf heard stuffs about her from another person. Turn out to be after they breaking up, the ex is seeing that person (the person whom making up stories). Ain’t that sick? So girl, why can’t you play clean? There is no harm asking nicely right? You could always try, if things going well between you two, you are meant to be together. But if not, you can find someone else better. Not that i agree with snatching up someone’s bf. Wise man says “what goes around comes around”. So think wisely if you wanna mess with someone’s bf. Enough said.

I am sleep deprived. Been sleeping late lately. Lastnight, i only slept around 2am. Was on MSN with a friend and Elmi. I don’t know what has happened to my body clock. blergh. I need to fix it but i don’t know how. owh yea, me and Bella is planning on something in December of me going to uk. I just hope it will happen. Gotta save cash from now on (which i doubt it will happen). Coz i also wanna get my hands-on something........ till then

xoxo

let us take a moment and say...

a happy b to

A special day that comes once a year.
Only for one person so close and dear.
As obvious a day,
I wish you a happy birthday
And for delight to be there in your atmosphere.
Let nothing stop you from having fun
And if something does, throw a tantrum!
Because if you do,
No one will stop you.
But eventually they will, so run!
And so I end my poem here.
Let not this rhyme bring you a single tear.
For your birthday’s arrived,
And I have cried.
Yeah, right! I’m only here to cheer!
I might be making some changes with this.
I made this in about ten minutes, so give me a break if it's not that great.

When He's feeling Emo..

I sit in this chair, And stare at the sky,
And think of you and all your lies.
Then I start to cry and ask myself why did you leave me here to die?
You left me here to rot in this hell and dwell on my pain.
Why couldn't I tell?
You said you would never let me fall,
Especially when I needed you most of all.
This mistake you cant erase.
You can't even look me in the eye face to face. I'm such a fool for beleving you.
Are you going to hurt the next one too?
Theres only one thing to do.
Take my life without any regret that's the only way I will forget....

Dont let the time be ur enemy

She always figured She had enough time. She didn’t have to reveal her feelings to him until She was good and ready to do so. Then one day when She called him about hanging out, he tells her that he’s joining the Navy. Time had become her enemy and now she don’t know if what She have will sound sincere to him or not. She did the most inhuman thing to do, She tried to play for time and I got burnt.

This speaks to a larger problem in our society today though. We have a sense, mainly because of hectic lifestyles and whatnot, that we have plenty of time mainly because we don’t have any time. We’re so worried about our personal allotment of time and the fact that it may run out for our materialistic endeavors that we forget, or assume it doesn’t matter, to give our time to the people who our most important in our lives. Then when the time comes when some of those people are getting ready to leave us, we start complaining we didn’t have enough time to tell them how we felt, but fail to realize it wasn’t the fact that we didn’t have enough time, but the fact that we were selfish with what time we did have.

There are many things we can do to help remedy the situation, because even though we deserve our own amount of time in this world, those we love and care about deserves some of our time as well. Here are some steps to give time to the people you care about:

(1) Make A Phone Call: It’s the easiest thing to do to show somebody that you care and that they’re worth your time, but hardly anybody commits to a telephone call anymore. Some people would rather shoot off a quick e-mail or, and God help us that we’ve come to this, a pathetic and rambling message on MySpace.com. A phone call doesn’t have to take up much of your time, but should be at least be 10 minutes long. This shows the person that you’re thinking about them and that you’re willing to commit some of your time to them. A phone call should be used first to see how the person is doing and then some chit-chat, followed by a time for your two to meet.

(2) Meet with the person one-on-one: Whether it be between friends and/or lovers, a one-on-one meeting is more intimate and personal. It should be at least three hours long and be about what you two like to do together. Most of the time should be spent talking and having fun. Feelings should be expressed fully and coherently.

(3) Writer a letter: This doesn’t mean write an e-mail. If you’re close enough with the person, then you should know their address. Sit your but down, put pen to paper and begin writing a letter. It takes time and is in your own handwriting.

(4) Invite them over for special occasions: Just because they’re not blood-related doesn’t mean they’re not family. You should invite these people that you care about over for Thanksgiving or any other type of holiday. Don’t get mad if they don’t accept, just tell them that you wanted to make the offer. They’ll appreciate it, even if they don’t accept it.

There are a million other things one can do to be unselfish with time. We live in a world were friendship and/or love is becoming increasingly needed and we should do whatever it takes to maintain the relationships in our lives. We should never use time as an excuse to run out of time. Say what you feel when you feel it.

Elmi...i'm missing sumone from the past...slap me =(

cunfess-sion

Day by day work is getting boring. I’ve never been so bored about work like this before, selama ani I’ve always enjoyed doing what I do. But with the arrival of this new colleagues, things somehow became different, even my relationship with my other colleagues seem to grow cold, except one or two yang sama frequency. I miss my old colleagues back at my old branch, and I really hope our reunion will be damn soon.

Last week I took a day sick leave. I wasn’t really sick though, except maybe ’sakit malas’. And I frankly told the doctor that I am stressed out and tired. So she gave me a day off and asked me to rest. If only she asked how many days I wanted, I could have asked for 3 days at least. And the next day, my colleague lagi report sick, and the next day nya lagi, another colleague reported sick. And I just hope one of these days she will realise how a horrible colleague she is. Oh well, its friday today, suckest day ever...

How would you feel if your colleagues called you up at 7am on a Sunday morning to do something urgent? Me, I am pissed. I am not a committed staff, I know. I am not paid well for that. I’ve been working on weekends for the past few weekends and I am beginning to hate it. I just can’t wait to move now, or else, I’ll find a new job. That hell place where I work is just purely HELL!.....

Elmi...i'm missing someone from the past.... slap me! =(

l i f e

There's something out there for me
But I am too blind to see
Daddy what's out there for me?
Is it something you bought me?
There's something out there for me
But my friends are in the way
Mummy what's out there for me?
Is it a sunny day?
There's something out there for me
But my fears pull me back
Sir what's out there for me?
Is it the 'A' I lack?
There's something out there for me
But stress clouds my vision
Darling what's out there for me?
Is it a life changing decision?
There's something out there for me?
But my something I just lost
Child what's out there for me?
What is the cost?
There's something waiting for me
But youth is hanging on
God what's out there for me?
Why is this life so prolonged?

There's something here for me

And now I can take
Death, you're here for me
Now I will never wake.

When He got Nothing to do..

We sit on the stairs,
talking about old times.
The things we used to share,
are now all left behind.

The days of making forts,
and hiding from the world.
The days of playing sports,
and swinging 'til we hurled.

I miss your laughter,
I even miss your tears,
I miss having someone to look after,
having someone beside me through the years.

I tell you all of this,
in the stairway of our old school.
You tell me happiness can exist.
You tell me not to be a fool.

I promised you I'd be careful.
We promised to stay the same.
But neither was being truthful,
we were playing a stupid game.

A game which no one wins,
where we lie to make ourselves feel nice.
But once the game begins,
You couldn't stop it if you tried.

So we pretend that friendship lasts forever,
we exchange vows to return someday.
But we both know it's over.
And we leave things that way.

I haven't forgotten you, my friend.
And I still remember that day.
whenI left our friendship to end,
that moment on the stairway.

Sighing in dispair...

I haven’t been feeling quite like myself the past few days to be honest. May be it’s one of them days when you have all this sudden frustrations coming your way… you bottled it up as much as you could but then, explode, in the end. The guilt from having (useless) arguments with the people you love, scolding the kiddies just because of the littlest things, missing some people (I’m not even sure if they care…) and at times like this, my mind questions, who are the people who matter the most? Who are being real? And then, the negativity strikes, who are the fake ones around me? (yang ada time happy2 ganya, when you’re in your not-so-gloriest phase, they cut you off completely, they don’t listen, they don’t fuckin care, etc etc etc) paloiii. I guess it’s just one of those trying times, people ticked you off, then again, sometimes it’s too much, it’s just not fair.

I don’t usually play the blame game y’know, most of the time I only have myself to blame for everything and I just chose to stress it up to sleep, hoping I’d feel better the next day. I keep on telling myself, it’s ok, there’s always a reason for things, it shall pass. And yes, it always does somehow, in a way or another. Most times, I’d prefer having some time-out alone in my room and do some singing or talking to --- helps too. But really, nobody likes being moody and cranky and all that, one can only stand THAT much. By that I mean, the one who behaves so, and the receiving end too :s :s :s

Why am I not posting this under the private post? (because he always does, you say) I don’t know…

… … . .

Perhaps, may be sometimes I don’t get some people… and why they behave in such manner and it hurts to know that they ignore the unwritten/unspoken rules. Really, is that so much to ask…?

when He can't sleep

Three Words Eight Letters

I Love You
Three words eight letters
I want to hear it from you
But only when it matters

I Miss You
Three words eight letters
Say it out of the blue
And hear my heart as it flutters

I Want You
Three words eight letters
Disoriented, it sounds so new
It’s W-A-N-T, in glitters

I Need You
Three words eight letters
It’ll be always and forever too
Even after sons and daughters

Three words eight letters
None was said, do you hear shatters?

its not loyalty..its interest..

I won’t say never to K-culture, I won’t. I watch really good dramas like Thank You and Legend. It’s just that most of the times, I say no to K-related things.

I have my hands (and brain) full with my J-culture things, so I’d rather not add more drama to my life. And I’m not being literal.

Generally, I think Korean dramas are very much… dramatic. Watch Korean dramas and hail the Drama Kings and Drama Queens. I like to watch a drama/show for leisure and I don’t want to be left miserable and much more stressed out after I watch a drama.

So, when I have some extra stress tokens to spare, I’ll ask for that K-drama recommendation. Else, please. Get it away from me.

Random k-fangirls-boys, stay away from my comment box. I’m not usually vocal with my annoyance of K-dramas. But when someone is trying to feed K-dramas through my nose, I get really pissed off.

When I’m bored and have no assignments to do, you are welcome to shove your K-dramas up my nose or my ass, whichever you feel comfortable with...=_=

a pain call desire

It’s funny how you get the greatest pain from a single desire. I decided to sleep for an hour or two before I continue writing my dissertation draft. I woke up after two hours to a migraine and a spinning room. I shouldn’t have slept. Pfft

diffrent day...same shit...

cut my hair!!!

Oh goodness me
Oh goodness my mind has slipped
And wiped you away from it
Same shit, different day…

My day has been… pretty much dormant in the beginning. And then the day somehow jumps to having a sleepover. I don’t want to talk about it. Sigh.

I think God has been giving me signs and I finally get it. I’m gonna work so hard on this dissertation, no one would be working as hard as I am. rigghhhttt. Hey, it’s good to dream.

On a totally different note, I shall start running as soon as I get back from Swids.

My blog posts have been very short lately, right? It’s just that I haven’t thought of anything much these days. No deep thinking done. A lot of sleeping, though. And a lot of food. But other than that, nothing. Damn. I feel like a walking billboard of gluttony and sloth....=_=

i'm back

Hello people, I know its been a month plus since I last updated. For that, my sincerest apologies hehe. Things has been pretty packed for a while now, with all work and travels. Nothing much major going on for the past months, except that I gained few extra kilos even though I didn’t eat much....

Also, I haven’t been in touch much with my girls & boys except my bitches whom I chat with at times. And out of the blues, reds, greens, JB surfaced on MSN telling me he’s confused about this new fling of him whom he just knew for aweeks. I asked him why he dumped his ex for the second time, he said he just don’t want to be with her. I told him off, you’ve been hurting people all these while, his ex-boyfriend, his ex-gf. (not to mention me), so I won’t be surprised if you got hurt. Karma! What you give, you will get in return. he went offline abruptly after that. Haha! What a piece!

I know I am mean for telling her off. It’s just me, I’ve been very frank and raw lately, especially when I dislike something. I guess its a habit from my scope of work and I think I kinda like it... heheh!

at

work

heheh


(just for the sake of putting a new post on my blog.)

*sweep*

*sweep sweep the dust in my blog*

hehehe

see ya guys soon....

when love happens part 2

What happen when love happens? We become blind, we become deaf. Everything around us seems to belong to us. Love happens anywhere, everywhere, any place, any time, to any one, regardless who they are, regardless of the situation. People do crazy stuffs for love, people cheat for love, people kill and die for love. Fernando Sucre robbed a liquor store just for love, just to buy an engagement ring for the one he love.

Love comes in many form. Some are pure and sincere, some are forbidden yet it still happens, while some are corrupted with lust. Some love costs betrayal and sacrifies. Love can bring someone to a drastic extent we can never think of. I’ve been blinded by love, I’ve been true a love which is so wrong, yet I can feel the heat and sweetness of it. Although ultimately it will lead me to the bottomless pit of sorrow, only to be saved by an angel. Again, another evidence that love happens any time, any where, any way!

Love comes with a lot of factors with it. Like a holiday package with it’s terms and conditions. Such are happiness, laughter, tears, daydreaming, wishes, hopes, as described by my friend Lia. The list never ends, one can add or omit their own factors, depending on how they think of love. And it’s entirely one’s decision on how they want to live their love.

As for me, love is always a sweet poison, a drug I can’t live with!

100 ways to say i love you

English – I love you
Afrikaans – Ek het jou lief
Albanian – Te dua
Arabic – Ana behibak (to male)
Arabic – Ana behibek (to female)
Armenian – Yes kez sirumem Thank you Ani!
Bambara – M’bi fe
Bengali – Ami tomake bhalobashi (pronounced: Amee toe-ma-kee bhalo-bashee)
Belarusian – Ya tabe kahayu
Bisaya – Nahigugma ako kanimo
Bulgarian – Obicham te
Cambodian – Soro lahn nhee ah
Cantonese Chinese – Ngo oiy ney a
Catalan – T’estimo
Cherokee – Tsi ge yu i (Thanks Nancy!)
Cheyenne – Ne mohotatse
Chichewa – Ndimakukonda
Corsican – Ti tengu caru (to male)
Creol – Mi aime jou
Croatian – Volim te
Czech – Miluji te
Danish – Jeg Elsker Dig
Dutch – Ik hou van jou
Elvish – Amin mela lle (from The Lord of The Rings, by J.R.R. Tolkien)
Esperanto – Mi amas vin
Estonian – Ma armastan sind
Ethiopian – Afgreki’
Faroese – Eg elski teg
Farsi – Doset daram
Filipino – Mahal kita
Finnish – Mina rakastan sinua
French – Je t’aime, Je t’adore
Frisian – Ik hld fan dy
Gaelic – Ta gra agam ort
Georgian – Mikvarhar
German – Ich liebe dich
Greek – S’agapo
Gujarati – Hoo thunay prem karoo choo
Hiligaynon – Palangga ko ikaw
Hawaiian – Aloha Au Ia`oe
Hebrew (Thanks Lilach)
Hebrew to male: “ani ohev otcha” (said by male) “Ohevet ot’cha” (said by female)
Hebrew to female: “ani ohev otach” (said by male) “ohevet Otach” (said by female) Hiligaynon – Guina higugma ko ikaw
Hindi – Hum Tumhe Pyar Karte hae
Hmong – Kuv hlub koj
Hopi – Nu’ umi unangwa’ta
Hungarian – Szeretlek(Thanks Dra!)
Icelandic – Eg elska tig
Ilonggo – Palangga ko ikaw
Indonesian – Saya cinta padamu
Inuit – Negligevapse
Irish – Taim i’ ngra leat
Italian – Ti amo
Japanese – Ai****eru
or
anata ga daisuki desu
Kannada – Naanu ninna preetisuttene
Kapampangan – Kaluguran daka
Kiswahili – Nakupenda
Konkani – Tu magel moga cho
Korean – Sarang Heyo
or
Nanun tangshinul sarang hamnida
Latin – Te amo
Latvian – Es tevi miilu
Lebanese – Bahibak
Lithuanian – Tave myliu
Luxembourgeois – Ech hun dech ger
Macedonian – Te Sakam
Malay – Saya cintakan mu / Aku cinta padamu
Malayalam – Njan Ninne Premikunnu
Maltese – Inhobbok
Mandarin Chinese – Wo ai ni
Marathi – Me tula prem karto
Mohawk – Kanbhik
Moroccan – Ana moajaba bik
Nahuatl – Ni mits neki
Navaho – Ayor anosh’ni
Norwegian – Jeg Elsker Deg
Pandacan – Syota na kita!!
Pangasinan – Inaru Taka
Papiamento – Mi ta stimabo
Persian – Doo-set daaram
Pig Latin – Iay ovlay ouyay
Polish – Kocham Ciebie
Portuguese – Eu te amo
Romanian – Te iubesc
Russian – Ya tebya liubliu
Scot Gaelic – Tha gra\dh agam ort
Serbian – Volim te
Setswana – Ke a go rata
Sign Language – ,\,,/ (represents position of fingers when signing’I Love You’)
Sindhi – Maa tokhe pyar kendo ahyan
Sioux – Techihhila
Slovak – Lu`bim ta
Slovenian – Ljubim te
Spanish – Te quiero / Te amo
Swahili – Ninapenda wewe
Swedish – Jag alskar dig
Swiss-German – Ich lieb Di
Surinam – Mi lobi joe
Tagalog – Mahal kita
Taiwanese – Wa ga ei li
Tahitian – Ua Here Vau Ia Oe
Tamil – Nan unnai kathalikaraen
Telugu – Nenu ninnu premistunnanu
Thai – Chan rak khun (to male)
Thai – Phom rak khun (to female)
Thai (informal) Rak te (thx CAF!)
Turkish – Seni Seviyorum
Ukrainian – Ya tebe kahayu
Urdu – mai aap say pyaar karta hoo
Vietnamese – Anh ye^u em (to female)
Vietnamese – Em ye^u anh (to male)
Welsh – ‘Rwy’n dy garu di
Yiddish – Ikh hob dikh
Yoruba – Mo ni fe

will you?

Hi guys. Lets take a moment and try to imagine yourself in this situation.

Here we go. You used to be so crazy, madly, deeply in love with someone. Let’s just say you went head over heel, words can’t describe how much you were obsessed with this person. Until one day, this person hurts you. So bad that you can’t even cry about it as if your tears are indecisively being held back behind your eyeballs. So bad that you can’t even spell the first letter of their name. Then you avoided them, not because of hatred, but because you need to heal. Of course you can’t erase all the memories, after all it won’t be call a memory. Memories came to you during your quietest moments, you can’t get away from it.

Time flies. Your obsession to this person gradually decreased, and at one point you may say the obsession is gone. In a way, you just do not bother about the person anymore, what they are doing, where are they and who are they seeing. Yes, memories will still come haunting you, and for a minute or two, you will miss them so much. But you got used to it, it’s just a flashback.

When that person chose another person instead of you, you used to feel shattered and battered. But as time goes by, you think it’s none of your problem anymore. You moved on with life, with career, with friends, somewhat putting that person behind your back even though once in a while you still think of them. Occasionally, you still keep in touch with the person, but the chemistry is not as sizzling as before, nothing more than exchanging ‘hi’s and catching up on minor things.

With me so far? Ok, say one day, you bumped into the person after not seeing them for some time. The meeting didn’t end right there and then, instead you guys went for lunch together, just the two of you in somewhat a romantic corner of a restaurant. Nothing mushy-mushy happened though, just purely dining and chit-chat even though things seems to be a little awkward. While eating, the person accepted a phone call from her/his new person, they exchanged sweet words but somehow you didn’t get jealous as you used to be. Not even a little stint of jealousy.

So yea it’s time to part, you say goodbye and all. You feel happy to see the person again, glad that there is still a friendship between you and him/her. But before you actually left, the person gave you a gesture which indicates that he/she still cares. So you went home, somehow cherishing the lunch you just had earlier. But it’s still to early to celebrate, because some ’after-effects’ do not come instantly unless it’s cyanide. What do you think will happen to you after a day or so? Will your life carry on as always as if it was just another normal lunch with a friend? Or will the flame of passion you had before be rekindled? Or is it going to be somewhere in the middle? Will confusion overwhelm you?

I guess different people will have a different outcome about this. All I can say is that love is a poison, and once it flows in your blood, there might be a relief medicine, but there is no cure!

the life we live

I’ve been working like a dog for the past 2 weeks, no weekends plus extra hours. But for last Saturday and Sunday, I spend most of it sleeping, compensating for the sleep deprivation I suffered for the past few weeks. Our team is decreasing in number with some of my colleagues got transferred to other sections, that left us with multi-tasks and that idiot Rusty not doing anything about it.

I don’t even have time to spend with Ricky, being a career guy, he’s also busy with his tasks. Some of my friends have been bugging me to join them for their almost daily dinner hangout, but I’ve been extremely busy. Oh well, it’s not easy to make a living yea. I know I’m kinda stressed out with so many things lately. My temper is short although I am quick to handle it, I hope.....

when love happens

Sometimes love happens when you least expect it to happen. Sometimes we only realise it when it’s already too late. I, on some occasions, let love passed by me when it is already in front of me without knowing it. And that is the time when I realised that I have busted an opportunity.

“My love, I see you almost everyday. I talk with you, joke with you, cry with you. Over the years, we have talked about almost anything, about you and about me. And after all these years, only today I realised that I care so much for you. Why now my love?”

Sometimes, love are meant to be hidden. Kept under our tongue like a sweet suicide pill. It is sweet like a candy, but there will be time it will turn bitter and venomous. Love is a poison. I have been repeating this phrase since this blog started. But hey, love happens. And when love happens, we don’t care anymore of our surroundings. It’s like walking in paradise while hellfire is just beneath, so we gotta watch our steps.

“The glimpse of you makes my day. To hear your voice, it send me to high clouds. To see the way you eat, it makes me smile. But my love, we are not meant to be together. Sooner or later, the time will come that I have to leave you. One thing I ask for when that should happen, please do not cry. For I just want you to know that I will always love you.”

Mother

"Never believed that things happen for a reason,
But how this turned out removed all my doubts
So believe...

That for you I'd do it all over again
Do it all over again...
All I went through led me to you
So I'd do it all over again..."

What got me crying was my thoughts reeling so fast as I recalled just which one among my so-called past Love would I re-do and do things all over again and again... And amazing enough, my Heart did not cry for any of them. Meaning to say, none of them I had ever really loved so wholly as much as I do love... Mom. For Mom, I would do it all over again... I would do everything all over again, no matter just whatever wish Mom would be making for me to grant. I got into wishing of how much I just do not have to grow up, be this working adult and be so far away, leaving her side. How I wish to re-live those 20 intact years of always by her side, living so happily secured and cared for underneath her armpits all the time. But the thoughts on what Daniel had said on growing up, on being independent, on being responsible, on being worthy of an existence and on being able to break away from my parents' care and have a feel and walk in their shoes, dwelling on the tough challenges of Life and earning my own food served on my very own silver platter each day smacked sobriety into my conscience. Yes, it had been a wonderful 20 years of saying "Yes, Mom" and "Yes, Dad" to everything they would ask me to do for them. No matter how exhausted I would be or busy or lazy, I still obliged to them and granted them their requests. But Daniel was right... Until when would I have this sense of security that has been provided by the sole existence of Mom & Dad? Living in Mom & Dad's house, feeding from Mom & Dad? As if Mom & Dad are going to live forever? That I do not have to repay them and provide for them in return as I grow older? He was right.......

Only time

The day has just started anew for a new page of Life to be written down by the expressive or appreciative Survivors of today... And I am one of them, thank you, God...

I have developed a new habit now with my blog page - it has become the very first page that I would open everytime I get onto the Net regardless whether I would be abdicating another meaningful memory or not, for it is the presence of my Juke Box in my blog that I have always finding soothing to my Heart, Mind and Soul as I let myself trod and drift into the path of my meaningful past, into a peaceful world of endless thinking and reflection. Most of the time you would catch me sitting down on my own gazing into the world outside - my physique very much visible and anchored in this World of Reality but my Mind, my Heart & my Soul... There would not be much of them within my Body - most of the time almost completely detached from the World, to a place in Time either the Future or the Past, so far away that may only be recognizable by either the dreamy smile upon my lips or the gaze of sadness in my eyes. Only a chosen few has managed to become the Learned Ones when it comes to reading my real face through these masquerading masks of smile and happiness that I always wear on the outside... *warm smile*... Kudos to those few of you who are able to read me through - you have caught me unaware and off-guard when you came to me confessing of what have you seen or learnt about me To these amazingly sensitive and perceptive "friends" of mine, you are the truest friends that one can ever have - I am thinking of you right now... And in my fragile Heart you will always belong. Help me keep the bolts tightened, help me keep my Heart intact in one piece amidst its shattered pieces, help me ease the pain up whenever I need to let it all out onto another realible and trustworthy Soul. The Weak me, I am never ashamed to reveal to you.

I have always found myself frozen, stoned and stunned when these gifted "personality readers" came up to me, telling me that when they see me smile, they see my pain... When they gaze deep into my eyes (no matter how much I disallow them into locking their gaze for long into me), they see my sadness... When they listen to the way I speak, they way I express out what I want to say, the way how the unique words that come out of my lips as I speak, the way of how much weight I would put onto each forming words and the way of how the tune of my voice flows naturally, they sense the sorrow in me. Soft-spoken, polite, cultured and so full of respect and humbleness but within the depths lie the deep emotions, sensitivity and... apathy, that they would still be able to feel the pain inside of me through my words, my voice, my expression. Perhaps I have too much apathy in me to be able to feel one's pain and absorb it into my own Heart. Perhaps that is what I am - pain or sorrow absorber, for I have always found joy and happiness seeing the others happy and at ease. No, I can never be just your
"Shoulder to Cry On" for I will cry with you...




time... Is definitely a precious element when it comes to Life - standing next to the air that we constantly need for breathing and the presence of our pulse or heart beats. It is quite ironic when one would get to say that s/he has not enough time to do something simple or meaningful... When each and every one of us humans are fairly given the same amount of time as we walk around alive each day - 24 hours, no more no less, borrowed by God (unless your "expiry date" has come, you are excused). The simplest thing that would make an easy question for an easy answer is... How come the pious others are always able to spare their busy time to confront God? All the more ironic would be the amount of time that would take such a confrontation process to be carried out... 5 minutes maximum, I would say for any 4 raka'at prayers. My Life may get to be as busy as these pious Souls but why is it that I am not able to do what they are able to do for this one simple thing when God calls onto us? I say it is a simple thing for God does not ask us to do much but just come to Him for cleansing up for the day. Simple, yea? But this simple obligation is one that has always been done with the utmost difficulty. Notice where I lay at fault here? Yes, I have been "washed" off this habit and "awakened" to this acknowledgement on Time and this simple obligation towards God, the fault that lies right there in my previous line is the word "But...". Yep, excuses, excuses and more excuses... that builds up the habit of Procrastination - when the job can be easily done right away, right now.....no more i can say...
to be continue.....

surviving the memory of my past

What is Life without any mistakes?
What is Life without falling low?
When to err is completely human..."


~The Ailing Mind Paints Again~

Thank you, God for another borrowed Life today... (",

I had a nasty bugging headache that seemed to have lingered from my last Hideout and I would like to believe that it is because of I have not painted out enough just yet. Plus, I am in a forbidden state to seek for my peace with Him still. My Mind is still drowning, alright... And yes, I opt to paint again today to lessen the weights by bits. Nevertheless, Sleep remedy seems to work so well with me last night that when I wake up this morning for work again at 6:00 am, all the lingering pain had gone, alhamdulillah... (", There goes the modern, medical science treatment's theory and application down the drain... And there goes my stock of Migraleve medications intact, un-touched since last month in my drawer... At times, prayers alone do work miracles along with a good, death-like sleep...

Hold all thoughts... There was something else that I did in my attempt of trying to vent off my heavy Mind - an activity that I have always loved doing out of mad spontaneous instinct every time i went to BSC office, We finished our standby duty there early, Going back home, It was a cloudy dusk but with serene lights of the setting sun......calming the scattered mind....

rainbow & the Sunset..

It was the most beautiful dusk today - I was simply torn apart when I stopped at my house Simpang at the two contradicting magnificent sights of God's amazing layout of the evening sky; to my West, the sight of a colourful Rainbow painted in the clear blue sky with white puffy, cottony clouds in its path and to my East, the glorious golden lights of the setting sun along the coast, parting the clear blue sky with its own boundary of a gray sky line, marking the entirely two different time lines of the day, highlighting the entirely two different grounds of the Earth that I was driving on, with the body of blue waters on my West and the physique of the greens on my East. The colours of the differing sky between the two grounds were amazing and I was caught in a bliss of eternal gratitude for being able to live and be in between of the two breath-taking scenes as I drove on under the gray sky line. I have never experienced witnessing or all the more being in the gray moment of sunset for it had always been the gray moment of sunrise that I always get to witness all the time. The moment of brief seconds of how a new day has come back into a new Life again, the precious moment of short-lived seconds of how darkness lifts its shades of the night away to give way for the first serene rays of the new morning lights, the amazing moment of the quick milliseconds of how the colours of Life seemed to have fallen immediately off from the gray sky, of how the invisible touch of God's painting strokes worked its wonder miraculously fast for my eyes to analyze and see just what colours make for the greenery's base and coating and highlight and so on... And by the next minute that has come, the gray moment of transition zone is all gone... Irretrievable. Irrecoverable. Un-rewindable. Gone. Ka-poof. Leaving me in a longer state of daze and awe as I move my eyes to look around fast and capture as much gray colours left as I can. For a Soul who really lives his Life appreciating each and every single minute in Time, chasing the sunset and sunrise is something that I have come to enjoy doing so much as I grow older.

Life so perfect with its flaws and beauty.

a New day

..a New DAY..


For a few minutes after Conscience transcended back into my Soul, waking up to a new day Life an hour ago, I had lingered laying flat on my tummy and blinked in the morning sunlight that poured through the slight partings of my Hideout's heavy curtains - I shifted my head to look at the weather outside as traces of visible droplets of raindrops from dawn still clung onto the glass of my room's window. Ahhh... The Mind apprehended of rain from last night, to which, I was not aware of regardless of my finally drifting off into slumber by 2:00am just now. I must have been dead asleep, all tired from doing my long night cruise from 6:00pm til midnight last night. But it was so damn well worth it - I had hibernated well for 7 hours from yesterday morning til late in the afternoon thus why I had all night long of slow cruising at a steady speed of 60-70km/hour. I wanted to sleep some more just now but Archuleta's song playing on my un-switched laptop by my side on my queen-sized bed got me blinking into wake wide and wider. So yeah, onto this Canvas of mine that the Mind has reverted onto now... (",

@ work

3 weeks as a Supervisor....
NOT FUN!! anti social ku trus ulehnya....=_="

taking back my love

go ahead
just leave
can’t hold you, you’re free
You take all these things
if they mean so much to you
I gave you your dreams
’cause you meant the world
so did i deserve to be left and hurt
You think I don’t know you’re out of control
And then I’m finding all of this from my boys
Girl you said I’m cold, you say it ain’t so,
you already know I’m not attached to materialsi give it all up, but i’m taking back my love,
i’m taking back my love,
i’m taking back my love,
i’ve given you too much,
but i’m taking back my love,
i’m taking back my love, my love,my love,my love,my loveWhat did I do to give us the cue
I’m just confused as I stand here and look at you
From head to feet, all it’s from me
Go head, keep your keys, that’s not what I need from you
You think that you know ou’ve made yourself cold ,How could you believe them over me,You’re out of control how could you let go

writing off the pitch

the Date was awesome... but i guess thats as far as we can go, its just...... ermm uhh... there was nothing i assumed? but i made a new friend instead of a lover.... heee.... just got back from my work.... Gosh....when is this overtime gonna end.....reallly dont wanna end up at the hospital lagi~~~ =_= until then...



You’re in my arms
And all the world is calm
The music playing on for only two
So close together
And when I’m with you
So close to feeling alive

A life goes by
Romantic dreams will stop
So I bid mine goodbye and never knew
So close was waiting, waiting here with you
And now forever I know
All that I wanted to hold you
So close

So close to reaching that famous happy end
Almost believing this was not pretend
And now you’re beside me and look how far we’ve come
So far we are so close

How could I face the faceless days
If I should lose you now?
We’re so close
To reaching that famous happy end
And almost believing this was not pretend
Let’s go on dreaming for we know we are
So close
So close
And still so far

Apesh 20th B Bash

T_T

It's raining outside...the sound deafens my peace...I'm messed up...really messed up again. Trying to carry on with my life is just another understatement...how do I move on, is another...??!behind this smile of mine…is a longing for affection...a desire that I know will never be fulfilled. off for a drive just now, i have no idea where i went for my mind was slipped away... reminisce all the way....
im so kusut right now... sigh... there was never an effort from .. to make me feel better.. i guess it is time to leave... for real...

i wishh

I realised all the love between us was wrong, I just thought I knew it all...I was wrong then. You were not the love I was looking for...but the love I wanted all this while. Time cannot change the way I feel about you...it only make me miss you more, though my hate will always be there. Sometimes I wish that we never went our separate ways...sometimes I wish I could change the past between us...it should have never been that way...I was yours and you were mine. My feelings for you have remained the same since the day you left me...you were the love I choose to hate...I have regretted the hate for you inside me...it gives me no peace in this life...nor any pleasure in love. i used to dream of you to comfort the loneliness...it just doesn't work anymore...dreams never come through anyway...'hope' is all I have left. I miss you now regardless of where you are...
should I wait for you to come back to me??

entah

Kutahu, kau selingkuh
Kau duakan cintaku yang tulus
Kau tahu, diriku
Tak pernah berpaling dari dirimu
Tega nya kau dustai semua
Janji kita berdua

Entah masih kah ada cinta dihatiku
Untuk mu
Entah kapan kah ku dapat membuka hati ini,
untuk mu..

Tak pernah ku bayangkan
Cerita kita berakhir begini
Tega nya kau dustai semua
Janji kita berdua

Entah masih kah ada cinta dihatiku
Untuk mu
Entah kapan kah ku dapat membuka hati ini,
untuk mu..

staying awake

Great experience it was. Wonder how much did it worth to be awake just to be there 'technically'. Sleepyhead of mine, I wouldn't mind. Never I thought as a waste for every ticks I kept myself up. What will I get back in return? Call me crazy for smiling when no one's around. I won't mind because I'm crazy from day one. For what I did, I never know how much would it mean to them. But all that matters to me is always the satisfaction I felt for being that someone to share their time with. Everyone around me are the one's who made my day more exciting.

Wouldn't dare to let every person I consider close and special to be alone. Either physically or at heart. Those tears they dropped for every touch to their torn heart. Anyone could at least stop it from bleeding much more. And always, I wanna be that person. Staying awake because you couldn't help it when he lost your trust, spend the whole night hoping the friend of yours to be fine, or just in need of a friend to keep you company when you couldn't get any sleep. None of this I call as distraction. How cool it was to get sleepy with something I love doing. Showing you that you're not alone. Be that friend who you can trust and lay your head on at the worst of your time.

I'm not a psychic to know what's going on in your mind. None of my words I promise to bring up that spirit in you. All I know, I'm only an ordinary guy doing what a friend will always do. Be there. I couldn't get any closer but don't get too far. x)


be strong apesh...

...

batah jua day kan goes by ani eh...
i just cant wait for this day to be over










al

p/s: im still not over you

Whats up?
I know we haven't spoken for a while,But I was thinkin bout you And it kinda made me smile.
So many things to say And I'll put em in a letter, Thought it might be easier,The words might come out better...How's your mother, how's your little brother? Does he still look just like you? So many things I wanna know the answers to, Wish I could press rewind And rewrite every line To the story of me and you.. Excuse me, I really didn't mean to ramble on but there's a lot of feelings that remain since you've been gone. I guess you thought that I would put it all behind me but it seems there's always somethin right there to remind me Like a silly joke, or somethin on the t.v. Boy it aint easy When I hear our song, I get that same old feeling Wish I could press rewind Turn back the hands of time..Don't you know I've tried and I've tried To get you out my mind But it don't get no better As each day goes by And I'm lost and confused, I've got nothin to lose. Did you know I kept all of your pictures,Don't have the strength to part with them yet,Tried to erase the way your kisses taste But some things i can never forget..

Hope to hear from you soon







P/S: I'm still not over you

Song by Rihanna
p/s im still not over you

Made up my mind

i seriously made up my mind....





al

..i really hate it when it comes back..
what have i done to deserve this
damn memories

what a lie

what a fake for what i post recently......thought i would be okay posting something so thrilling and all... i really am sorry for letting you down for i am not ready....im still lingering to the past...for i dont wanna be hurt again....

It's just one of those days...I need to get my life together...I have enough of everyone...I just need myself. Call it what you like...I just want to be alone for now...no excuses, no reasons...There are just too many to list...besides, I wouldn't want to hurt anyone's feelings...I'm not that kinda guy. I'm in a trashy mood...I feel I have to break something to vent it all out...though a part of me refrains from lashing out, in the back of my mind I'm already pounding away at the wall...bleeding hands and all...

My head is heavy...my mind twisted with confusion...I hate to take sides...I hate to be in the middle of situations not of my being. Am I wrong to turn a blind eye?? My mind sees what my eyes cannot...unfortunately ignorance rules my judgement...I feel helpless...

Leave me be...leave me alone...let me heal...let me be by myself for now...

lalala.

well all my bestfriendss know already about this cherry kai...hahahahhaa.....i know guys...its hard to believe...but hey...like what tya said....u get a much better than before.....well we just see about it then~~ Mission Art of Seduction is initiate~~~~~~ Muahahahahaha..... for i will return with the news nanti lgi guys...hahahahha cherry kaiii~~~~~~~~~~~

New Month, New Me, New Goal, New apa lgi? hahahaha



Comments and feedback i got from u guys akan ku ingati selalu....thank you for the support! ^_^

Tya - "jam, sebatah-batah mu single ani, ku liat ah, melonjak naik bah saham mu keliling pinggang manusia! banci ku eh"

Pesh-"Au eh, nda apa aku sayang sayangku!"

Khairy-" you deserve a very good man for u are a good lover" wassseh!!!

Echiy-"siapa yang dapat you ani, very lucky berabess nda mbgi chan!,bulih ku ngisi burang?" ahahahaha!

Nurul-"my babykins will forever always be a good guy for me!!"

Mc Cherry Kai

will tell you more about it Soon.....
HEHEHEHEHEHEH


Aku suka this pic...lawa....
pesh jangan kambang, wallaupun kau mengambar..=p
click to enlarge..hahahhaha

Fake smile

Naive people can do foolish things...I am one of them. Maybe it happens for a reason...maybe it happens to be a spontaneous act where stupidity takes over completely...I don't know...I seem to be the one who falls into the trap...well most of the time. For those who know where I am at the moment...it's been a hectic week for me...bordering on chaotic really. Stuck in the concrete jungle, one wonders how can these people survive the sights each morning..?? All I see is the gloom, the slum and the noise of it all. This place is not for me....The only consolation for me to get my mind off things is the comfort of Msning With .......I've noticed these past few days that he seems a changed person...not like before...maybe,I think?? It's very contradicting I know...I'm only human.I'm indecisive...my judgement is poor....

I can take the rain on the roof of this empty house
That don’t bother me
I can take a few tears now and then and just let them out
I’m not afraid to cry every once in a while
Even though going on with you gone still upsets me
There are days every now and again I pretend I’m ok
But that’s not what gets me

What hurts the most
Was being so close
And having so much to say
And watching you walk away
And never knowing
What could have been
And not seeing that loving you
Is what I was tryin’ to do

It’s hard to deal with the pain of losing you everywhere I go
But I’m doin’ It
It’s hard to force that smile when I see our old friends and I’m alone
Still Harder
Getting up, getting dressed, livin’ with this regret
But I know if I could do it over
I would trade give away all the words that I saved in my heart
That I left unspoken.....

let the music in.....

Let the music consume you
Let it erase your fears
Let the rhythm absorb your emotions,
As it floods into your ears
Let it become your heart beat,
Your reason to be
Let it course through your very being,
That which will set you free
Let it become your world,
The only thing true and real
Let it enfold within your heart,
That which is more worthy to feel
More so than anger, pain, or fear
Let those be nothing but words
Let the music become your emotions,
That which are all that are felt or heard

Keraja oh keraja

aku bali this vest with hood...rugged aku suka....pesh tankiu...
muahahahahahahahahaha


Okey. Work has been climbing up my stress ladder. This week has been a real challenge for me. I haven't experienced any migraine attacks lately. BUT..i kinda got a migraine attack last friday or was it last saturday. I kinda feel disappointed.. I thought my workload will lessen this week. but it kept piling up. I mean, at least, understand la my situation. I know you guys can squeeze whatever you can out of from me, it's my responsibility to work. BUT you have to understand jua kan. THINK! but hey...im not really venting out. but im just kinda disappointed.


Should I say it?

But then i guess its useless. when saying it, wont make people listen. But i gotta make it through, so that its understandable. BUT would it make people listen. I don't know. Then, should i say it? or should just not say it...

everybody knows....

It gets harder every day, but I can't seem to shake the pain
I'm trying to find the words to say, please stay
It's written all over my face, I can't
Function the same when you're not here
I'm calling your name and no one's there
And I hope one day you'll see nobody has it easy,
I still can't believe you found somebody new
But I wish you the best, I guess.
'Cause everybody knows, that nobody really knows
How to make it work, or how to ease the hurt
We've heard it all before, that everybody knows
How to make it right, I wish we gave it one more try
One more try
One more try
'Cause everybody knows, but nobody really knows

I don't care what the people say
They're probably lonely anyway
Baby don't fill up your head with he-said, she-said
It seems like you just don't know
The radio's on, you tuning me out,
I'm trying to speak, you're turning me down
And I hope one day you'll see nobody has it easy,
I still can't believe you found somebody new
But I wish you the best, I guess.
'Cause everybody knows, that nobody really knows
How to make it work, or how to ease the hurt
We've heard it all before, that everybody knows
How to make it right, I wish we gave it one more try
One more try
One more try
One more try
'Cause everybody knows, but nobody really knows

Oh I wish you'd understand
Oh, just an ordinary man
Listen we'd have known
Everybody knows, but nobody really knows
And I know one day you'll see, nobody has it easy
I still can't believe you found somebody new
I wish you the best, I guess.

'Cause everybody knows, that nobody really knows
How to make it work, or how to ease the hurt
We've heard it all before, that everybody knows
How to make it right, I wish we gave it one more try
One more try
One more try
One more try