Wonder if this is just me or its normal. Many a times i have this strong urge to just ruin everything just for the heck of it.

And many a times i just wish that i cld just die. Even for some small matter, i just wish that i m dead. Hai. Maybe i'm just a impulsive person. Yet if u know me, i'm kind of indecisive and takes time to thi nj thru stuff slowly. So whats this? Maybe it just means at times i have a really huge urge to be impulsive?

But many a times i really have this urge to just die. Just walk onto the road and get knock over or smthing. But still rather fearful that it will come true due to my very thought.

Hai i m a person full Of contradictions and am fighting constant battles with myself.

I dont understand.

Maybe i have a destructive nature.. And if thats my nature how do i change it? Haha or do i embrace it since the personality course ask i to be aware Of ur preferences.

Dont know what i'm talking abt anymore.

내가 지켜줄꺼야 我會守護你 - 이루 Eru

:(

I realised that the workplace environment really plays a very big part in the productivity the employees. And different people gets affected differently. Previously, I was working out in the "open" where everyone could see everyone. But I felt that I was so much more productive that way. Perhaps because I was more self conscious..but I aint those that will go facebooking or googling during work... so although that was one reason, i felt that another reason was that my emotional needs were more satisfied when i was outside. I am a person who prefers studying with people and working with people.

Putting me in a high wall cubicle makes me feel like a prisoner...cutting me away from others. I feel rather lonely. And worst when I'm stress. Its like i cant just stand up and talk to my neighbour beside me anymore. I dont even know if my neighbour is there or not!.

ahhhh, i'm such a emotionally needy person?

i'm not an extrovert, but sometimes when i'm stress at work, it feels much better and motivating when i see the others working too...or something la.

Does opposites really attracts or does it repel? Why must the very things that I believe strongly in get challenged again and again? Although I agree that what I believe are just a generalization/stereotype....but still...Sometimes its not what you do thats wrong, but rather how you do it. Cant you just pre-empt me?

What i learnt from one of my courses:  Think BIG, start small.

Sometimes you move too fast for the other people to catch up...even more so when its something that goes against what they have believed in for as long as they can remember.

And sometimes there is no why to feeling like that. There are so many things I believe in strongly and not want to do. Is the secret of the universe really true? Cos I dont nor dont want to believe in that? I mean cant be I keep thinking of what I dont want then i get it right? Sianness. If so then I guess I am focus-ing too much of the dont wants than the wants. Damn it. It sux to have "everything" you don't believe in to come true. Like what nonsense? Seriously. And if the very last thing I wants happened, I will totally flip. ARGH.

IF YOU CANT FIGHT IT, BEAT IT? I REFUSE I REFUSE!!!!!!! >:((((

omg, i swear that if they dont return me my money, i'm going to write to the gold coast tourism board and feedback. they already have like so many bad reviews! like why on earth even allow them to advertise in the goldcoast tourist magazine thingy!

stupid ah puh neh neh wanna ku tok my money. he totally got the cunning face lor!

praying for the best

every since i started working, i started praying more. i guess i just feel so much more helpless when my work involves so much more random events. and when it seems gets abit gloom/unlucky... praying just seems to help. so much so that i actually wish i m at the temple now and i can just pray to calm my nerves. sighhh.

and gosh, since dont know when, i have been having nightmares every other day! :(

Pseudoephedrine ( /ˌsuːdoʊ.ɨˈfɛdrɪn/ or /ˌsuːdoʊˈɛfɨdriːn/; PSE) is a sympathomimetic drug of the phenethylamine and amphetamine chemical classes. It may be used as a nasal/sinus decongestant, as a stimulant^[2], or as a wakefulness-promoting agent....

Adverse effects

Common adverse drug reactions (ADRs) associated with pseudoephedrine therapy include: CNS stimulation, insomnia, nervousness, excitability, dizziness and anxiety. Infrequent ADRs include: tachycardia and/or palpitations. Rarely, pseudoephedrine therapy may be associated with mydriasis (dilated pupils), hallucinations, arrhythmias, hypertension, seizures and ischemic colitis;^[13] as well as severe skin reactions known as recurrent pseudo-scarlatina, systemic contact dermatitis, and nonpigmenting fixed drug eruption.^[14] Pseudoephedrine, particularly when combined with other drugs including narcotics, may also play a role in the precipitation of episodes of paranoid psychosis.^[15] It has also been reported that pseudoephedrine, amongst other sympathomimetic agents, may be associated with the occurrence of stroke.^[16]


NO WONDER THE HUGE ASS FLU MEDICINE MADE ME FEEL WORST! cant sleep how to recover! alamak! maybe i should inform the doctor that i'm a panicky kind of person in future. zzzzz.

sometimes i wake up in the middle of the night with everything on the floor and i really wonder what i was doing when i was slping! like what did i seriously do?! my bed only have like two "open" sides bcos it is against the corner of the wall! how do i even throw my pillow down the bed all the way at the feet side??

and today, i woke up with blood stains all over the underside of my t shirt. i cant even find the wound/wounds that caused that.. eeeeks.:(

engineer

one of my friend posted this "i'm an engineer, not an engine"  haha. so true. sighh, i need a break. but right now, the burden of work is still too much to enjoy peacefully. sian. too many problems that needs to be solved. i cant freaking do this alone!

thick skinned

being thick skinned is a really important skill to have. especially when you are a contractor/consultant... and more so if you are the client and dont want to be eaten. seriously man.

argh and i hate how people just look down on me just because i look young. like just because i look young and have some tiny privilege over you due to the nature of my job ..you want to diao me? like wth man. seriously. =.= whats with people that spoils other people's day. some people are really unreasonable. i dont know what joy they get from making others miserable. zzz


sigh, something is wrong with my english.

anyway, yayyy cant wait to shift into my new cubicle!

the first sign that someone is an insurance agent is when one keeps liking almost EVERYTHING everyone elses posts.

Dont you agree?

feisty

sighhh, i have no idea why but i am just constantly "hyper" these 2 days...when i am like sick. somehow i cant seem to relax even though i ate like cough and flu med. the ultimate drowsy meds. but they arent helping. ytd night i keep waking up bcos i was stress/pissed/"excited" abt today's war. now i am like super pissed off and angry. and i think bcos i am angry.. then prob there's some adrenalin rush that keeps me super awake. or maybe just bcos i m angry i am awake.

sigh, i know why i am angry. but i dont understand why i am still angry after so long. indeed its something really annoying, but seriously? so annoyed that i cant slp? its like totally not worth it. i so hope i pass my virus to the bloody contractor. infect her. heck sia.

sigh maybe i m sick cos i m so feisty these days. huo qi tai da le or smthing.

*WHINESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS** :(((((   >:( sigh

if only i can sniff the root, i will gobble it all up. but i dont quite understand~

pig mode

i'm quite tired so i'm in the piggish mood now...oink~

life is like buying a pig in a poke, you never know which option/choice is the better one. but even so, i believe that everything happens for a reason. and as long as you believe your choice is the right one, it'd be.

i' m a wild pig and i will hog your time, once i get my hoof on you. :D

ok this is all of my limited piggy brain hahaha. snort* oink~

Really cant believe my memory is awful. just stuff that happened a few years back i cant even rmb. and my face recognition sux either.. its like meeting my friend few years down the road and totally even no clue that i know them at all.  =( kinda guilty. feels as if wo mei you xin yi or something. sighh.

mann, dont like the new layout of blogger. =.= its too... plain, difficult to use. too mature/stern/serious feel.

it needs to be more light hearted like last time!oh well..

anyway i was thinking that sometimes i keep saying i miss those days when i just keep talking over the phone with someone for the whole day..and talking about something really deep and reflective and stuff.

then i realised, whats more difficult then talking deeply with someone? it is when u talk gibberish and enjoy it greatly. i'm not even talking about friends crapping on the phone. i really meant gibberish. nothing but grunts/snorts/whines/spouting random and meaningless phrases yet everything can feel so meaningful. =)



At the end of everyday no one can take these things away
We all want love and that's okay,
Maybe there's someone.
When my song has slipped away
And the darkness swallows the day
Another one's not very far away, so baby just hold on.
Just hold on
Hold on

for the recent event thtat i organised for my department recently, we invited a guest speaker to talk about hwo to be optimistic in the face of changes. and he ask us, whether we are a optimistic or pessimistic person.everyone said optimistic, and secretly down in my heart, i think i am a pessimistic one. wonder if it is obvious cos i know i i am a person who smiles quite alot.haha

ok, i dont exactly know what point i am trying to make here.... but i am a person full of contradictions and even i myself am confused with myself.

but ok learned some tricks to try and change...

i dont understand why anyone can be so anal and thick skinned.. criticizing other ppl's work when his is like probably 10 times worst.  how in the world can you be so deluded? how in the world can he be so confident of his competency....that he is lacking severely?

safe guard safety as safety safeguards

thinking of a safety slogan, and somehow there seems to be some pun that i can play but i just cant get it.

anyway random, adam lambert looks so shuai without eyeliner can??!!

Lazy eyes

For some weird reasons, alot of guys have lazy eyes! As in, both the eyeballs arent looking at the same place...and I find that quite... eeeeeeee. it looks weird and a tiny bit repelling!!! and like i dont know which eyeball to look at.


but it seems really common these days. like in this one month itself, i think 5 guys? i haven seen this problem in girls yet. wonder if its really because of gaming... hmm, needing to see like more than one location at a time..

i hope i dont ever have this problem. eeks.

wonder sometimes if i listen to mellow song too much. initially they calm me down.. then now wondering if they make me feel down.. to the far left of the spectrum.

sometimes i really dont understand why just because we are executive officers we dont have any "best staff of the month" award and stuff.. i mean like, huh so dont we need affirmation, motivation that we are good too? But then again, this whole monthly award thing seems so fake also. ayee oh well.

there's another award also.. where the role model gets to go korea! i think its for tech. staff too.

its just weird you know. i mean ok, if you say director dont need such affirmation.. i can kinda udnerstand...because to get to that position u probably have alot of experience and stuff.

but for a fresh grad executive.. because we are young..with little experience.... these will just boost our morale mah. think its more of the years of experience then the ranking thing leh. oh well.

writing/painting on our walls

for the weirdest reason, all along i am envious of people with their own rooms/house. and one of the reason is that they can paint/draw/put whatever they want on the wall! although i had this idea all along... it struck me only recently that even if i have my own room, i would still not draw/paint random stuff on my wall right? =.= because we are not brought up to draw on walls. if we ever scribble stuff then my whole house will look in a mess what.

ahh ok i m very tired i forgot what i wanted to say..
but its just something in the line of.. should i allow my children to draw whatever they want on the wall? i mean if its ugly the most paint over it only what. should probably let them paint an decorate their own rooms right? so that they becomes creative in future. hmmmm. but then they may learn to vandalise stuff.

ok think too much...

zhen shi shuo dao cao cao cao cao (4 cao haha this looks crappy)jiu dao..or rather chu xian.

meep

Somethings are just more impt than the others. I am just happen to be the latter right? Thanks.

you got to bloody plan in advance cos you cant turn back time when u start to regret.

crash and burn

my job scope kinda reduced by a little.. yet i am not performing up to standard..in fact i am getting worst. oh well, i'm going to get screwed by my boss soon. damn it.

sometimes i look at facebook and realized that i'm so bad at retaining friends? or rather keep acquaintances close so that they become my friends? most of the times its just so hard to click or feel that sense of chemistry, hence there isnt really any factor to maintain contact with the person. ayee.

bloody stress. feeling extremely unappreciated. "peer" pressure totally not helping.

why make me feel like i'm a betrayer when i'm not? like come on? how old are we guys now =.=
goodness gracious me. why does it feels the same when i was 16 and i joined drama..and my npcc frens got upset because i wasnt "loyal" to npcc anymore?

and now its not even my fault that i'm in a different division. it isn't my choice u know. although i am ok with the final decision and am not complaining...and may even feel abit happy about the change.. it wasnt even my say to begin with.

and yes although i m ok and maybe even somewhat happy with the final decision... its definitely not the easier option. and its stressing me out already! thats the dilemma i was having thats why i couldnt make up my mind???

and you arent helping me at all :(

I am upset. But I dont exactly why. Much as i would like to think tt i am too demanding i really dont think so? :(

the reason why i take note about minor details is because i believe that the subconscious mind speaks louder than anything else.

and i know sometimes our interpretation about body languages and signs are different, so i ask and clarify in hope of getting the real reason behind the action.. but more often than not, i just get brushed off by three words..."i dont know."

when the head changes, the ideology of everyone underneath changes too. and the change is just so exaggerating. swooosh. O.o

haha cute song from tap sonic.

woke up today feeling lost. haha finally its the weekend that i'm looking so forward to, but what fun stuff am i going to do? nothing in particular.. but read my 4 sets of reports and then proceed on to give some stupid presentation to some people. that doesnt seem very nice. so i decided to just watch some cartoons (pokemon, doremon and some jacky cheung cartoon on the tv!) haha

still feel unsatisfied. i feel that i have been deprived of deep conversations, laughs, friends.

suddenly miss the days when i come home and just sit in front of the comp and chat with alot of friends on msn. hahaha those are fun. but now when your own life is so boring, what is there to talk about? bitching about work is like...painful i rather just throw it at the back of my mind.

i need a hobby! i need some direction! but at the same time i am so lazy!

it has been quite some time before i have fallen in love with a new song! maybe i haven been listening to the radio for a really long time. so i'm surfing you tube but still, nope cant find the song that i want to listen.

haha so i'm the feeling of wanting to listen to a song, but i just cant find what song i wanna listen to.

sometimes i wish i could just........

Think all the medication is making me depress.. Feel so down in the dumps. Ayee.

feel like blogging, but dont know what to say. sighhh. shall just sleep my life away.

omg, i m so pissed think my fever is back. my whole throat feels like its burning. sighhh. i'm so irritable. sux.

>:( humpf. pissing me off.

The problem abt smart phone and whatsapp is tht it makes it even more obvious that ypu are actually talking to yourself. But thats beside the point.

someone told me that i should really use the umbrella cos..... my hair rusts easily =.=