懂得翻身了！

今天早上，妈妈听到婆婆兴奋的叫声，妈妈马上就知道发生什么事。

你自己翻身了！一直以来，你的大头和大屁股常常令你无法翻身，虽然你的颈项已经很强硬，可是头和身体的比例不一，屁股又胖胖的，每每看你，就是翻不过来。

婆婆说，今天早上，你把头抬起来，然后用手使力，然后就翻身了！在你四个月又五天的时候，你懂得翻身了！

妈妈错过了你第一次翻身，不过，下次妈妈会把你翻身的录起来，让你长大后看看。

怎么说，今天都是你成长的一个旅程碑。

Introducing food to Janna

Today, you are 4 months old.

Other than mama's breast milk, you have tried grapes, honeydew, watermelon popsicle and ice kacang.

You always lick the food and really enjoying them.

Whenever you see us eating, your eyes spark and you stare at our food - swallowing your saliva.

Janna, mama can't wait to introduce more food to you.

I am sure you will love it!

Mama's diary to Janna - 11 May 2011

Baby Janna

You are talking more now. Sometimes, mama so wish that mama understand what you were saying. It must be something fun!

Mama recorded some of your 'chat' with mama to show to you when you grow up so that you can explain what you were trying to say.

You still can't turn yet. We figured it's because your head and buttock are big, so you need extra effort to turn. hahaha...

You don't like us to sit down while carrying you. You want to 'walk' around. Whenever we sit down, you will complain and kick your legs... until we walk you around. Sometimes, we tried to fool you by sitting down slowly and shake our legs to mimic the walking movement but you seem to know more than we thought you should. Hmm... very smart girl.

Mama hopes that you can sleep in your own bed at night, you always cry and want to be cuddle to sleep, even though you will sweat because of being hold too close. Mama hopes you learn to enjoy the space and comfy your bed offers to you.

Your weight is more than 50th percentile, but mama thinks it's only right that you are chubby than skinny. As long as you are healthy, we don't need to put you on diet at your 4th month old.

Mama always sing to you - you seem to like music. When mama sings, you will look at mama and listen. When you cry, the music from Baby Eistein works like magic. You will stop crying and just look at it.

You are now 4 months old. Mama can't wait to see what other progress you'll make.

Mama's diary to Janna

Dear precious Janna,

Mama decided to use mama's blog to record your every little progress.

Mama is very sorry that mama is lazy to do that previously. You have been remarkably active baby, for what your grandpopo and grandgonggong told me.

In your 5th week old, you already managed to turn your head when you slept on your stomach. Mama didn't see it but popo and gong gong saw it and was surprised at your progress. You managed to turn your head for more comfortable pose when you slept on your stomach. Grandgongong and grandpopo were worried that you might not be able to turn and suffocate. But they saw you raised your head with your 'then-not-so-strong-neck' and turned to the other side. They were amazed. When you were 8wks old, you can already hold your head for awhile - before mama let you rest worrying that you might hurt your neck.

For a baby that is slightly more than 2 months, your kick is very strong. You always kick when you are angry, or hungry, or need to burp, or when you get to put your feet onto something... you will just kick.

After your confinement aunty left, Kakak Lea came to take care of you. Grandpopo and Kakak used to bath you in your little bath tub together. One day, when you were about 8-9wks old, you stood up in the bath tub while they were bathing you. Mama remembered hearing both of them giggling in the bathroom, and wondered what was that. Grandpopo was very happy and amazed that you actually stood up at such a young age. And from then on, you like to 'stand up' whenever people hold you.

By the time you were 3 months old, you can already recognize people. You started to make sound like hmm... ehh... ahh.... ermm... and laughed with your mouth opened very widely showing your little dimple on your left cheek. Whenever grandgongong talks to you, you will smile and talk to him for a long time. You started to 'talk' with lots of different sounnds when you where about 3mth and 2wks old. Sometimes, you talked really loudly. Mama has to admit, your voice is really CUTE! Mama just won't get tired listening to it.

That's all for now.

Your mama.

I am my own boss now

I have never thought of doing my own business. Even though I am a super workcoholic, I see leaving corporate career life as a high risk - I am comfortable in receiving pay cheques every month without needing to worry much.

Work has been busy and stress as usual to the point that I started questioning myself on the need to sacrifice my time for work and not for myself, my husband, my family and now, my newborn baby. With every single reason telling me that 'IT'S NOT WORTH IT!', on 21 Mar 2011, I quit my job with the agency that I worked for 8 years and 1 Apr 2011, I signed off a 6mth office rental for my new office. Kinda cool even when I thought about it. hihihi

The office location is very near to home. I can walk home quick enough to attend to my baby CEO if she ever needs me. As a boss, I get to skip work when I don't want to, or when I woke up too many times at night for the demanding CEO. My office is facing home, where the whole building is within the view from the office windows. Although, that doesn't mean that I can see what my baby is doing at home.

What does my company do? Hmm... what I know best, or the only work I know how to do - Advertising and Marketing Communication. Am I going to compete with G2? Not a chance! I will not fight for business with them because it's just like hitting a stone with an egg. I know my place, and my place is a better place. I bet I'll make more than the CEO of Grey in a couple years time.

Choices we made in life

Seeing one of your hard work become reality and you are not part of it makes me feel empty and sad. But this is part of many choices and sacrifice we have to make at a certain point of our lives.

Being a career minded woman, I've never craved to be a housewife and doesn't have to work. It feels so disconnected when your life evolves around your baby, husband and parents. So, the decision to quit my job at the peak in my career has only one reason - to take care of Janna and spend more time with her since baby grows so fast.

Today I saw one of the projects that I started off with when I was still with G2 launched in Malaysia, as the first market out of 5 markets. I remember how we spent those nights rushing for brainstorm, how I came up with the pencil idea... and the presentations, and all the telecon with P&G just to sell the overall idea and theme. It was a very long and tough process. The cost approval was nothing easy but we managed to sign off with an amount that both party were happy with.

I handed over the jobs to my colleague because I have to leave on my maternity leave. At that time, the overall concept was already done and just going into implementation phase. I thought I would be going back to see the campaign goes life. I did not. Because I did not, I'm no longer part of the team that made this came true. Even though I do feel that this is my baby too.

Imagine you see something you created launched, it feels like you see your baby all grown up but you can't tell him that you are his mom. This is exactly how I feel now. Not a great feeling.

Not single bit at all.

Another baby that I cannot claim that it's mine...

我是一个紧张兮兮的妈妈

亦芳啊亦芳

你出生第十天，妈妈的母乳就让你太热气，沙声了。你的哭声严重到我们几乎听不到的地步。送去急诊，医生说她喉咙发炎。我的天！怎么会这样？因为妈妈吃太多姜了。你的声音用了整整两个星期才痊愈。

照顾你的坐月阿姨无微不至的照料下，妈妈那四个星期都不需要特别担心你。

你满月时，妈妈第一次用奶瓶喂你。妈妈一直排彻用奶瓶，因为担心你会有nipple confusion的问题。妈妈不想让用了四个星期的练习才慢慢克服的哺乳被无谓的混淆而全功尽弃。记得当可恶的坐月阿姨把奶瓶放进你的口中，妈妈觉得你被污染了。看着你一口一口的吸，完全没有抗拒奶瓶的预兆，妈妈忽然觉得奶瓶是妈妈的敌人。之后当妈妈给你喂奶时，你开始有了比较。奶瓶不需要你费任何力气，奶水却源源不绝。吸奶却需要你很大的力气。你开始懒惰，常常因为奶水流得慢，而发出不满的声音。

你第五个星期时，妈妈发现你肚子涨风。你一直要喝奶，可是，你的肚子涨得鼓起，圆圆的，轻轻拍打，声音就像打鼓一样。肚子里的风让你很不舒服，你望着妈妈哭，向妈妈求救，妈妈看着你，无能为力，心里更是着急。Lactation Consultant Sister Chong 帮你按摩，把风推出来，你顿时轻松舒畅了。妈妈从此就不敢懒惰，常常给你按摩。

第六个星期，你喝奶的次数增加，有时肚子明明感觉饱了，可是你还不停的要。妈妈开始怀疑你会不会因为闻到妈妈身上的气息，所以一直要喝。你的粪便的颜色由黄变绿，妈妈上网一查，糟糕！喂太多奶会让你消化不良，粪便才会变绿色。妈妈开始不敢让你喝太多。那么应该喝多少，才算不多。妈妈请教 Sister Chong, Sister Chong 要妈妈纪录你每天喝奶的分量，怎么量？从你喝剩，由妈妈挤出来的奶来量。从那天开始，妈妈就勤力地记录下你每一次喝奶，大便，睡觉的时间。

第七个星期，Sister Chong 看了妈妈的纪录，证实妈妈的奶水分量一般，妈妈开始担心，再过几个月，妈妈不够奶给越长越大的亦芳。爸爸被妈妈搞糊涂了。一个星期前，妈妈担心亦芳喝太多奶。一个星期后，妈妈担心不够奶。妈妈从网上发现可以增加奶水的fenugreek,经过几个阿姨的认同，妈妈二话不说，赶紧买来服用。

第八个星期，你两个月大了。妈妈发现你的粪便不再那么的黄，更多时候是青色，而且开始有青色和带鼻涕似的粪便。在上网一查，不得了！孩子喝的初奶和后奶不平衡,喝太多初奶，胃不能消化它的糖分，而造成细菌感染！细菌感染！妈妈开始逼你一定要喝完一边的奶，才让你喝另外一边。过了一阵子，带鼻涕似的粪便不再出现。

第九个星期，妈妈发现你的脸蛋干燥及粗糙，而且开始出现红色及无色的小点。情况一天比一天严重，你的脸在你喝奶，哭闹时，脸上出现的红斑，惨不忍睹。妈妈开始更小心注意饮食，可是，情况不见得有起色。是妈妈上个星期吃的牛肉，还是菜肴和烧卖里的虾呢？你一直用手抓脸，常常把脸埋在妈妈的胸口摩擦，你应该是觉得痒吧！一查之下，这很可能是熱疹,奶疹或湿疹！唉...妈妈明天带你去看医生吧！

接下来，还有什么呢？妈妈能不紧张兮兮吗？

So fast

Janna, born on 11 January, 2011 is two months old now.
Everyday, it's a learning curve for me. From scared to hold an infant to able to bath her, i came a long way and the road ahead is still very long.

I should be less lazy and record every milestone of Janna's growth, but I didn't. I'm quite regret that I didn't take the footprint of her on her birthday. Now, at two month old, it seems unnecessary already.

But Janna is growing so fast, and she will do something new almost everyday. To minimize further regrets, time to start record them down...

当妈妈

亦芳已经两个月大。可是我这个当妈妈的，还是摸不清她的脾性。
我妈说孩子头几个月每天都在转变。我同意。

为了给孩子最好的关注和照顾，加上环境上的允许，我辞了我的工作。每天就是喂奶，挤奶，休息中渡过。
老公叫我多出去，和同事聚聚，吃吃午餐，不要闷在家里，他可不知道，每三四个小时胀奶，喂奶和挤奶消耗的精神和长期的睡眠不足让我什么都提不起劲。

虽然辛苦，可是一看到孩子，就觉得这是值得的。

朋友说，既然我有时间，应该开始写写我的部落，记录孩子的点点滴滴。好吧！这像是不错的提议，好让我抒发心里带孩子的感想。
就这么办吧！

咬指甲

从小，我一直都有咬指甲的习惯。
我从不觉得不卫生或不雅观。这个习惯一直持续到我出来社会工作，都不曾间断。

我的一个朋友也有这个坏习惯，她比我还来得严重，一旦有压力，她会不自觉地咬指甲。严重程度是咬伤指甲的肉，伤痕累累，需要医生治疗。她用尽了法子，涂指甲油，做manicure擦药等，一旦有压力，咬指甲就像是一种comfort.

我从不觉得我咬指甲是因为有压力，戒掉这个习惯是在很偶然的一天，我忽然想拥有一双吸引人的手，就这样，将近戒了－只咬右指甲拇指而已。在结婚时，我因为右拇指的指甲太短，粘假指甲变得特别困难。结婚后，我把咬右拇指的指甲的习惯也戒掉了。

今天，在我当妈妈的第十四天，我坐在床上，开始咬右拇指的指甲。在4－5年没有咬指甲的念头，我忽然就毫无往迟疑地提起右拇指咬了起来。咬完，我望着我咬得短短的指甲，我知道这肯定是当妈妈，喂母乳的压力。只是，我不晓得这个压力是这么无形的巨大

Almost there

10 days passed by so quickly. Before I even get all the things prepared, we are down to less than 24hours before our baby girl arrives.

The past couple of days, I was on the ride of anxiety. It strikes when I thought of the fear of doctors opening my belly and all the surgery knives visuals just freaked me out. I rather not know anything after that, so that I have less visual imagery when I go into the operation room.

Yesterday, one of our friends' daughter in law who was supposed to due on 17th Jan started to feel real contraction in the morning, and in the late afternoon, their baby boy arrived. It was an easy natural birth because she only took 2hours. Really good for her.

5th Jan 2011

I have a very low (probably minus) threshold when it comes to pain. I just panic whenever I sense pain approaching. How low is my pain threshold? I find ear piercing extremely painful - while some people felt no pain at all.

Knowing my own weakness at this area, Ning said he could not imagine me going through natural birth, nor can he imagine the pain I will be experiencing after the C-section. I can't imagine that too. Deep down I have contemplated with natural birth over planned C-section, because it's better for both mom and baby, and it heals faster. Although lots of people has excruciating pain for up to 24hours, some said it was so easy. It depends on individual - I might be the lucky one that doesn't have to go through the pain. Who knows?

After a long thought, I decided to go for planned C-section, simply because lots of my friends had planned C-section and they are OK. Some planned for natural birth but ended up had to go for an emergency C-section which the experience was horrible - because when it was an emergency, the doctor might not have enough time to wait for the anesthetic to work before they cut you up.
Most importantly, if you are not the lucky ones, you are putting both you and the baby in distress if there is any complication during natural birth. So, to eliminate the possibility, I think I just need to be prepared to endure the pain and long recovery process after the delivery.

When we finally decided in the 8th month, it really doesn't help when people start to judge our decision, 'no need to afraid, it's not painful at all?', 'Why are you not brave enough?', 'Every mother went through that. You should be able to do so too.', 'Natural birth is better for the baby, don't you want the best for the baby?' etc. etc.

I am grateful with all the comments and advice and that made me wonder again... But, I know myself better. I cannot afford panicking in the labor room and stress out myself and the baby. I am the one that has to go through this and I need to make sure it's the best way for both of us. The previous visit at the hospital before new year, my gynae measured the baby's head, and told us that the baby has her daddy's big forehead - which was almost 10cm. So, our decision to have C-section is actually wise because the gynae will not recommend natural birth when the head is more than 9cm since the dilation will be about 10cm only.

Today, a friend advised us that from medical point, C-sec should be opt only as a second reason if the baby did not fully turned and cannot deliver normally. I feel less guilty now for I am able to tell them - our baby's head is big so the doctor did not advice natural birth.

4th Jan 2011

Since I don't have to work for awhile, I try to let go all the stuff that relate to work which occupies my mind and sometimes creates so much anxiety in me. And now, I just stopped reading emails from my Blackberry.

Having the freedom not to worry about work (for awhile), I thought I would be able to rest and relax more. But, what I did not know is that, the toilet visit at night gets more frequent, and sleeping gets more uncomfortable with a big watermelon (your tummy looks like watermelon when you are carrying a girl) on your belly. The thighs get more swollen and moving around gets harder.

So, what did I do on the 7th day before delivery? Still very ambitious with my shopping list, I only managed to clear 1 item, which is nursing bra, and I went home and headed straight to bed. Nevermind about rearranging my wardrobe, throwing away old things that take up space, reading baby books, etc... I will do those tomorrow... and will let the confinement lady teach me how to take care of my baby instead of reading.

I wonder is this pure tiredness from pregnancy or excuses for laziness?

3rd Jan 2011

When everyone went back to work from the long festive holidays, I am on MC for the whole week until the delivery date next week.

1st thing to do - cut my long hair. The last time I went to a salon was before I went to the states in May for the Houston wedding reception. When I found out that I was pregnant, perming my hair is out of the way and that's when my hair got longer and longer... and finally, I cut almost 6inches of them and well, you would think my hair is gonna be short, but no, I still have long hair.

2nd thing to do - shop for sleeping gown, CNY new dress and shoes for myself. I totally forgot that I still need to have something decent to wear during CNY even though I will be in my confinement month - you still want to look fresh and 'CNYish' when people visit you at your house. Anyways, with a specific objective, I got what I need despite that it was really tiring carrying an extra 18kg on me.

I remember there was a 3rd thing in the to-do list, but as the due date gets closer, I become easily tired and sleepy. So, screw the 3rd thing, I went home and head to sleep at 5.30pm. Sounds luxurious for those who have to work, but for me, now it became a necessity.

2nd Jan 2011

The 9th day before the baby (still don't have a name yet) arrives.

The plan is to go to Puchong to check out the baby store (because we saw a one-stop baby shop) on 1st Jan when we had dinner with Angelin and Ken, hopefully we can buy some baby stuff as well as a baby closet.

The 'Puchong' couple showed us around Puchong - which we seldom go, and to our surprise, the food is delicious yet cheap! The dinner last night and the lunch today were very satisfying! We will definitely go to Puchong more with such findings when we have 2 good 'Puchong' tour guides!

Anyways, we didn't buy any baby stuff but definitely attracted to the teak wood furniture near Angelin's house. But, they ran OOS (out of stocks) and hopefully I can still get my baby closet before the big day comes.

After Puchong, we went to Babyland since it's the last day of its year end sales. This shop does have some good deal and we managed to check a few items in our checklist from that shop.

Overall, the 9th day of the countdown is fruitful. A good start.

1st Jan 2011

1st Jan 2011 is the 10th day countdown to my baby's birthday.

We have decided to go for a planned Cesearean to welcome the little girl on 11.01.2011 instead of waiting for natural birth. As the date is getting closer, we, no, I started to feel a little panic as we have not get all the stuff ready yet. As far as I am concerned, the 'baby room' is still an office cum store room with baby stuff piling up. Since I will be on MC the whole week before the baby arrives, I will try to make good use of the one week or 8 days I have.

Am I excited? Yes, I am! But the fear of cutting the skin, uterus and placenta and the pain after the labor is worrying. There are so many other things to worry cross my mind every moment. So many until, I decided to, stop thinking about it, stop want to know about anything... I don't want to know how the operation procedure goes, or what do they do right after the baby is born, or how my tummy will look like after the labor, etc. etc... Let's just concentrate to get the urgent important stuff ready, i.e. the baby stuff, baby room, my hospital bag, cut my hair, buy more DVDs and books to read when I am bored (if I have time to feel bored), my wish list of baby items, .... hmm... that's plenty to do in 8 days starting tomorrow.

Already overwhelmed.

Ahh.... Let's countdown towards a brand new chapter in my life.