the four of us went for lunch together.
at last :)
massive catching up session. :)
some things don't change.
love u all lots :)



on another note.
i'm facing some sort of crisis.
i don't know why i dance.
argh.
feel so aimless.
maybe i should go back to ballet.
but i'm scared la.
dunno how

When I signed on the dotted line and more or less charted out the next 10 years or so of my life when I was 18, I was grateful for the opportunity to pursue my passion, fully funded, with a guaranteed job at the end. What I didn’t take into account was the emotional price I had to pay. Studying overseas is a privilege, and I’m thankful for the chance to do so. But it entails the pain of multiple farewells, a sense of not really belonging, and the difficulty of fitting in. Nonetheless, it is a price I’m willing to pay, and have paid, and now leaving Cambridge after 2.5 years here is the hardest goodbye to say.


The first major goodbye I think, was the seniors farewell at CF. The CF has been such a major part of my life in Cambridge, and I don’t think I could have dealt with the stresses of uni life as well as I have without the support of the CF. And throughout my 3 academic years in camb, the subjects I’ve studied have changed, but the CF and CG have remained a constant source of support, encouragement and love, and have helped me to grow spiritually. So saying goodbye to the CF was very sad. And the thought that there would be no more Michaelmas term for me ever again was even sadder. There was a feeling of ‘this is it’.


The day after seniors farewell 8 of the final year nat scis went and took graduation photos around camb, with a professional photographer. It was the first time any of us had worn the camb graduation attire, so it was much fun. We started off with a studio shoot, with individual portraits. And as each of us took turns getting our pictures taken, I was struck by how mature everyone looked in formal attire, and the fur hood, bands and gown. I felt a strong sense of completion, the feeling that we did it- we’ve run the race and have reached the end together. There was such joy in that- seeing my best and closest friends (the nat scis!!) in graduation attire, sharing this event together. Yet there was also such sadness, for I knew that we would never get the chance to see each other as often again, or to share our lives in the same way again. I’m glad we took so many photos together, both during our graduation photo shoot, and in the past- for I want to look back and remember all the times I’ve shared with the people who have so shaped my camb experience.


In Cambridge we graduate over the course of 3 days with our colleges, in order of the date of founding of the college. As a result, we (the nat scis) didn’t graduate together. Attending each others graduation ceremony was difficult, cos our parents were around and there was just so much to settle before and after my ceremony. So I’m glad we did that photo shoot a couple of weeks in advance of the ceremony itself. The downside to that, I suppose, was that most of the magic occurred not on my graduation day, but on the day of the photo shoot, when we all wore the graduation attire for the first time. So on the day of my graduation, I was too busy making sure I was in the right place at the right time to really enjoy the day. Plus I was graduating with my college mates, and I’m not close to them at all, so there wasn’t much excitement or significance in that respect.


Graduation day begun with portrait taking with my parents in college, followed by a lunch buffet reception, a graduation service in chapel, group photo taking, then the procession to the senate house. During the service we sang “Be Thou My Vision”, one of the songs that has been my prayer throughout my time in Cambridge, because it is just so easy to lose focus of what is truly important to me in this mad pursuit for academic excellence. The closing prayer was one of thanksgiving for all that God has done in our lives, and I just felt such a strong sense of how undeserving I am and how much God has blessed me. I have no idea how I even got into Cambridge in the first place, but God has seen me through it all, to completion at graduation.


As a college, we assembled in Robinson before trooping off (past many bewildered tourists) to the senate house, where we were formally admitted into the university (after being deemed worthy of this honour after completing the undergrad course- hence graduation is known as General Admissions. Complicated indeed). The ceremony begun with ‘please switch off all mobile phones. Photos and videos are not permited during the ceremony’. And then everything else that proceeded was in Latin and I had no idea what was going on. When it was my turn to receive the Trinitarian formula, I was so nervous I didn’t dare to look at the Master when I knelt down or when I got up to curtsey. So I think the photo wouldn’t be as nice :( My parents took about 160 photos and video clips in the course of the day, less because they wanted to capture it, but more because they knew I wanted to capture every moment of that day and they knew that taking all those videos and photos would make me happy. And so they did, out of love for me, because they are my parents. So to those who made fun of them for doing so- do I know you?

On Sunday, I went for a post-church lunch with my friends for the last time, then walked around Cambridge with sara taking photos and being touristy, trying my best to capture everything in my memory. Dinner with sui seng meant a catching up session that was a year over-due, but remembered in the nick of time.


Why does my heart cry?
Studying in England means leading 2 parallel lives, with Cambridge as this university bubble, where everything is so different from Singapore. Going back home to Singapore after graduation marks the end of a chapter, effectively a full stop, as opposed to the many commas that dotted the past 3 years. This means the end of a way of life for me, the familiarity and the comfort. And that is just so painful. Plus I sold my bike, my trusty companion these 2.5 years, and it was so sad seeing someone else wheel my bike away (though I’m confident she will take good care of it!).

I’ll miss the cool weather (though not the rain), going to sainsburys to shop for groceries and bumping into random people there, scones and clotted cream, cycling everywhere, powerful sermons at StAG every Sunday, lunch at nandos/jinlin/weatherspoons after church, the fellowship, teaching and prayer at CF on Monday nights, bible studies and sharing at CG every Friday, dancing at club salsa, dressing up for May Balls, punting, acting touristy around the colleges, the camaraderie during the tripos period (though not the tripos itself), formal halls, nat sci cook outs, trips to london to watch musicals, trips to continental Europe on a budget with friends (superfun), Wordalive, and finally, living and studying in a place steeped in history and tradition.

I can always go back to visit. The university is 800 years old, nothing is going to change much. But it would not be the same, because the people there will be different, and camb as I know it is shaped so much by the people there. And more importantly, I will be a visitor, not a student. My role in camb would change and probably won’t ever go back to the way it used to be (a phd there is unlikely) and that, I feel, is the saddest part of all. The sense that the way of life as I’ve known it for 2.5 years has ended and there is no going back. I know there is no use moping about and I need to move on, but somehow, camb is different. I didn’t feel as sad when I left mg or hc, probably cos I viewed both as a means to an end- to get me into a good uni. And they were both in s’pore, so there wasn’t much of a change anyway. I didn’t really belong in either schools, but I belonged in camb because I’ve made such incredible friends.

Nonetheless, as a good friend said, what we should do is to thank God for those 2.5 years, and for the path ahead. I may be sad for these few days, and when I look back at photos of all the times I’ve had, but those were wonderful times and now its time to look ahead. I think my exam results were a confirmation that I should do a phd, so that’s probably what I’ll be doing, though I have no idea where. I don’t know what God has planned for me, but I look forward to finding out.