22-26 Jan 08
ADC Theatre

and so the show is over.
i need some closure.
i haven't blogged about it because i've been procrastinating, and because i'm avoiding sorting out my emotions. (yes its v emotional ok. this has been an incredible experience.)
but after reading meisheng's blog i'm inspired to record my experiences before my memory fades.



Firstly,

Thank You
to all who came to watch the show.
i appreciate it a lot. your presence, applause, cheers and encouragement.

and of course the lovely ladies meisheng and nicole from the hit 'small fight big love' :) fellow s'poreans and photo-whores. though the photos are not with me :(

and most importantly,

the crew of
Designed by Chance


7 of us + 2 substitutes (not in the photo) a truly multi-racial group. english, french, jap, hk, s'pore.

us with our choreographer/slave-driver.

me and mari. she is so funky and talented its amazing. she can hear colours! music major.


posing with the fans.

with the very talented choreographer.
it hasn't been easy.
but thank you for pushing me so hard.
for breaking down my arguements and convincing me to try.
for helping me to grow as a dancer.
for forcing me to look at things from a different perspective.
for inspiring me.
u were right.
it worked better your way.
even though you did implement the change 3 days before the opening night.
even though i felt like strangling u at times.
thank you.

Tutting
the last piece and the one that required the most practice.
on the last night we actually sang the song in the changing room together to practice cos we didn't have a cd player.
that was interesting. but it also showed how worried we were about it.
but after 5 nights we finally got the trickiest canon bit down on closing night. so that was an achievement, even though some parts were (apparently) off. by half a beat. only one person noticed (guess who)
a lot of people liked the first bit of this piece :)





what now?

i got good feedback from one of the london funk dancers for my solo.
so i guess i succeeded in some way.

i said it before, but i'll say it again- this has been an amazing experience.
perhaps in retrospect it seems rosier than it really was.
the heartache (try learning sth and having it scraped), frustration, confusion, struggles- seem less significant.
but through it all God made me learn to be patient, to be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry.
haven't learnt it well yet, but i've progressed i think, even if its a little tiny bit.

i've made many new friends.
ie the ladies in Designed by Chance (in case u haven't realised thats the title of our dance. which i think is quite apt.)
mari and i go to the same church! we discovered that 2 weeks ago. how nice :)
in the past i've never really been that close to the people in the same dance as me, except for a very small group of dancers in mg/hc.
but this time, i've actually gotten to know some of them quite well.
we aren't that close, there is a bond.

funk classes have stopped, which is a huge disappointment for all of us.
so now we really don't know whats going to happen.
there was talk of performing this piece for charity events, but i have no idea how likely thats going to be.

in any case, i'm all excited about this dance style now.
its most intriguing and enticing.
but currently i have no means of pursuing it.
so i guess i'll have to wait and see.

plus now i'm a bit tired of salsa.
sos. sian of salsa.
i want to try sth new. not that i've mastered salsa to a high level, just that it doesn't excite me anymore.
my roots were in ballet, i diverged to contemporary, then dabbled in salsa.
maybe its time to go back to my roots. or maybe its time to explore new styles.

or maybe its time to start being a full-time student again.

many many people i know came to watch perspectives today!
so happy :)

no photos yet cos must keep the costume a surprise.

didn't take any photos with the salsa ppl who came though :( :(
sort of lost each other in the crowd.
haihan, raj, zz, dan, mark,steph,euvian.

then the s'poreans/msians.
the entire queens clique and more.
and then hk, kim and kelvin chan.

so there was an added level of stress cos i wanted to do my best for people i know.
was fretting the whole evening.

i felt that my solo tonight wasn't as good as last night.
last night i left the stage happy.
tonight i was uncertain.
but the applause was so loud keke thanks guys :)

one good thing is that the salsa ppl didn't think that i looked like i was dancing salsa.
which is v good cos that was one of my concerns.
so if they can't tell, its fine :)

tmr night is closing night.
the pressure is on.
a contingent of street funk dancers from london are coming to watch.
anything wrong with the locking and tutting and they are going to know.
sweat.

after the performance last night i went back, drank chicken essence, and worked on my presentation.
for the lab meeting this morning.
finally completed it at 3am.

stumbled into the seminar room at 930 am and did a presentation of my project to the whole lab.
it was basically a literature review cos i had no publishable results yet.
all i did since october was to prepare material to get the transgenic flies.
but we haven't screened them properly yet.
so i didn't really have anything to present.
bleh.
but it went ok i think, really thank God for that.
could answer all the PI's questions :)
"how do you create those flies?" she asked "how do u know where the insert is?"
i looked at my supervisor and he was shaking his head.
but! i had prepared for that question keke.
so i said "do 2 generations of crosses with double balancer flies"
ah hah!
the supervisor heaved a sigh of relief there.


was really tired the whole afternoon from lack of sleep.
wanted to go back to take a nap but couldn't cos my supervisor booked the confocal microscope for 4 pm.
so i basically sat around in a half-asleep state.
and at some point did a RE digest which didn't work. for the second time. (*&^
convinced the enzymes are dead.

then we dissected my transgenic flies.
with orange eyes :)
and looked at them under the microscope.
and they glowed green in the correct place :) :) :)
my first publishable result.
a momentous moment.
my supervisor was like "i think its there"
then we looked at the image.
"i think its really there"
we were sort of in a state of disbelief cos after my presentation the PI and i were discussing how likely/unlikely we will get gfp there.
so much so that i was partially convinced that it wouldn't work.
but it did!!!
and now i have 2 lines of transgenic flies. :) :)
soooo happy :)
means that i can move on with my project. actually have sth to write beyond the 'materials and methods' section.
really really thank God for that.

so now if all else fails i can change my project title to 'creation of 2 new transgenic lines'
though of course that is not the point.

so it was a happy evening.
got a hug from the PI haha.
hopefully this result will negate whatever nonsense i said in the group meeting. :)

on a happier note.
we were backstage before the full dress rehearsal yesterday waiting for our turn.
i was practicing the locking moves in front of the mirror.
suddenly this little boy (ok not so little.. maybe early teens) came up to me and said
"is that locking? thats really cool!"
i was so pleased :)
he thinks i'm cool.
keke.
never been described as cool. cold, maybe.
coming from a kid who was performing in a breakdancing item, that really made my day :)

first night of Perspectives.
didn't make obvious mistakes, so that was good!

but my solo... wasn't too good.
i blanked out :(
but feedback from ppl in the audience afterwards was that they couldn't tell.
so thats good.
i think i didn't have enough time to get into the mood.

left the lab at 630 pm today, rushed back for dinner, changed, then arrived at adc theatre when the show was starting.
had to rush to put on my makeup and all.
so wasn't mentally prepared.
no more of that rubbish tmr.
but lect ends at 6 pm.
bleh.

full dress rehearsal today.
and after watching it he decided to change the ending after my solo.
and maybe even the solo itself.
watever.
i'm convinced that he will continue to change it everyday before each show or sth.
the first show is tmr.
and i have no clue what he wants for the ending after my solo.
we shall see.

the final straw.

there is only 1 day to the show.
do you know how difficult it is?

i want to give up.

but i won't.

i know what this is about.
its about learning to learn.
about humility.
about swallowing my pride.
then i can advance.

had private tuition today.
it was difficult.
many times i just stood there.
i didn't know how to move.
i couldn't.


'forget about the audience'
how can i.
they are right there in front of me!

i love the heady mix of anticipation and adrenaline that comes with performing.
the feeling of nailing a performance is like none other.
but the ecstasy comes mid-dance.
when i can feel the dance taking off.
towards the end of the dance i start to feel sad cos its ending.

really hope that happens during this show.


but he was right in the end.
it probably wouldn't work out if i had done it my way.
not enough time.
but to do it his way.
is there enough time for me to learn that.
so much to remember.
so much to overcome.

but it will be a learning experience.
if it works i'll come out of it a more mature dancer.
if it doesn't...
it will work.

i've never been so challenged dance-wise.
trying to change my perception of performing a dance piece- something i've cultivated since i was 5 (so abt 16 years)- is not easy.

so many questions.
so many things to consider.
dare i try?
can i trust?
will i fail?

he is challenging all i've known.
what makes me secure on stage.
am i a dancer or a performer?
can i be both?
do i really feel the music?
am i really listening?

3 days to the show.
16 years of performing the way i know how.
can i change in time?
should i even try?
do i have a choice?

".. be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry."
James 1:19


i'm really trying Lord.
i am.
its so difficult.
but please work in me to change me.
because i can't do it on my own.
not by my strength but by Yours.

this is a trying time.
12 hours to the full dress rehearsal and the speed of the song for my solo is suddenly changed.
i'm sure there is a rational explaination for that.
help me to adapt Lord. help me to see things from his perspective. help me to be gentle. help me to be understanding.
make me more like You.

i was annoyed and frustrated after dance practice.
mostly with myself.

then i went to club salsa.
and ranted and raved to my dear brothers hh and raj.
who were so patient and understanding :)
and the song 'let it be' started playing in raj's car. that was cool :) his car knows! just like the transformers car.

anw.
so i got to club salsa.
and started to dance.

then i felt better.
was reminded that i can actually dance.

then i got tired of doing the partner stuff.
so i just shined.
and then hh decided to play some slow salsa so i did contemp/modern ballet.
to the amusement of the other salsa ppl.
but it was good cos i could release my frustration that way.

and when i shined as part of the dance with guys i totally went mental.
doing all sorts of random things. like hopping around.
because i could.
and because i didn't care what other ppl thought. (if u think i don't shine prettily, too bad.)
dancing= expressing myself without words.

they probably thought i was mad.
but i didn't and still don't care.
i had this anger i needed to let out safely so i danced it out.
and then i got tired.
and it was all okay again.

significant because i don't think i've ever danced my mood out in public before.
well well.
happy again.
plus my PCR worked keke :)

i was quite stressed abt Perspectives last night.
only 7 more days!
and i've not completed my bit of the choreo yet.

was still quite stressed this evening.
then a thought entered my head.

'when God created me He made a little dancer.'

i am fully aware of the 'little' part.
i can see the 'dancer' part.
i forget the 'God' part.


God gave me the gift of dancing.
so when i dance, it should be for Him.

in Chariots Of Fire the protagonist said 'when i run, i can feel His pleasure'.
may it be the same for me.

8-11 Jan 2008



first trip of the new year :)
with hongking and tianyi.
we went to krakow.
the week before we went it was -17 deg C there, but when we went we brought the sunshine with us so it was only -2 deg C :)

8 Jan 06

walked around the Old Town, visited the castle and its cathedral.

Tutti Frutti hostel!