i'm tired.
partly physically- but there is caffeine, so that settled.
i'm drained.
on so many other levels.
i should stop thinking so much.
stop expecting.
should stop bothering abt anything besides protiens, flies, viruses and of course God.

my God, who loves me so much.
who promised me that He would never leave me nor forsake me.
who promised me that His grace is sufficent for me.
that His strength is made perfect in my weakness.

Lord forgive me.
for when i worshipped, my heart was not there.
for looking to Man for comfort and encouragement only to leave disappointed because only You are and can be my tower of refuge and strength.
for turning to other means to fill this emptiness inside when only You can satisfy.
for not being a good steward of the work You have given me.

thank You for loving me so much.
thank You that i can come before you when i am weary and You will give me rest.
i'm sorry for hurting You, then blaming You for the hurt i feel.
thank You for being there with me all the time, even though i don't acknowledge Your presence.
thank You that no matter how horrible i am, You still love me.
thank You for seeing me through all my life. for giving me what i need to go through it all.


You are the everlasting God
the everlasting God
You do not faint You won't grow weary.
You're the defender of the weak
You comfort those in need.
You lift us up on wings like eagles.

cumsa had a picnic yesterday.
went for a while.
nice milo and sandwiches :)



jie ming is here from s'pore!!
he had lunch with hk and some other ppl, then soo tet brought him to the picnic, where i met him and brought him around cam.
he was apparently had oxford the day before felt like he was "passed around like a piece of meat" from person to person.
hope he didn't feel that way here :s

took him on a typical camb tour.



me and jie ming at john's. i have quite a few photos at this spot w diff ppl :)


john's bridge; prof hawking's staircase; flower;
kite; chelsea bun; cream tea;
river; view from punt; bridge of sighs


we went for cream tea (yum) after the tour.
then we met up with hk and kenny and kenny's friends to punt!



me and jie ming! onthe river outside King's

primary school classmates!! hk, jieming and a bit of me.

:)

looked at the list of part II zoology projects.
one of them involves putting locusts on a treadmill, video taping it and then analysing the video.
cool. a 16 week project watching locusts walk.

been feeling down lately cos of all the work.
so decided to cheer myself up.
and opened this:

pineapple tarts all the way from singapore, lovingly transported here by my grandparents. yay :)

what i have been doing for the past 1.5 hours-
praying, mugging these 2 books and taking to my DOS.

the course guidebook for biochem and zoology respectively.
look at the coverpage for biochem- doesn't the ribbon structure of some protein just put one to sleep.. zzzzzz
12 alpha helices and beta strands forming a barrel structure. wow.

the bird, on the other hand, is so much more interesting.
how on earth do u make such a complex multicellular organism from one tiny cell?
the controlled cell proliferation, differenciation, movement, death and organisation is just mind-blowing.
and if that screws up at any point, we get disease.

"how does a protien fold?" and "how is chromatin assembly associated with its function" are both questions fundamental to the understanding off how gene expression is regulated, and how a cell functions. key questions that form the basis of our understanding of cell biology, along with themes like "aspects of protein structure: genome to proteome" and "enzyme structure and function".
biochemistry is undoubtedly important for the understanding of how any cell works- both in health and disease.

but when i look at the course outline, i am filled with dread. i don't want to sit through lectures on "bioinformatics- polypeptide families and superfamilies" and "biomolecular assembly".
yet such knowledge is so darn relavant to a career in the sciences.

i looked at the zoology course outline.
i would choose cell communication, control of cell growth, cell differenciation and organogenesis in development and control of gene expression.
when i read the descriptions for each of the modules i just teared.
i was genuinely interested in all the topics.
i could see myself enjoying the course.

then why not?
because i'm scared.
i'm afraid that the lack of training in the more fundamental molecular aspects of cell biology would put me at a disadvantage in future.
and no a.star senior before me in camb has ever done any course besides biochemistry.
i'm afraid that the lack of knowledge (and, honestly, interest) in evolution will affect my ability to handle development, which is intertwined with evo.
afraid to leave my comfort zone and venture into new waters. been studying biochem since forever- development is a whole new world to me.
afraid that i don't have an aptitude for development.
afraid that the above would cost me a First.


that is why.


my DOS promised to send me a list of part II zoology research projects offered last year.
will compare that with the biochemistry one and then we'll see.

O Lord, please grant me wisdom.
Let the desires of my heart be God-given desires.

realised that i need to read yet another paper for cdb supervision tmr.
all 10 pages of it.
and find out the expression pattern of 20 genes involved in fly wing development.
10 pages doesn't sound like much, but when one considers the fact that it took me 2 hours to read a 4 page paper...
die.
and none of the textbooks i've searched have half of the 20 genes she wants.
argh.

if fly wing development is not part of the tripos syllabus i am going to scream.

i need to decide what to major in next year.
zoology or biochemistry?
the initial plan was to study cdb and biochem over the easter hols and then see which one i prefer.
but the plan is not working for obvious reasons- i haven't been doing much work.
as it stands now i really don't like biochem.
protein structure is driving me nuts.

went for development lect today.
dunno if its cos the lecturer is terrible or if his notes are terrible or the timing of the lecture is terrible, but i just didn't enjoy the lecture at all.
the past few dev lectures last term were great- learnt a lot.
now i really don't know. :s

biochem is the safe option- its protein, dna, genes, signalling.
just in 1000000X more detail than i already know.
zzzzzzz.
zoology is the interesting option... but i don't know if i can cope with so much new material in my 3rd year... what if i don't have the aptitude for development?


need to decide by thursday.

I really need your wisdom Lord

term officially starts on thursdays, but the zoology and biochem departments have kindly decided to ignore this fact and conveniently schedule lectures on tues and wed, 2 days ahead of the official start of term.
thanks man.
:(
not in the mood for lects at all.
not mentally prepared.. was at cf when some ppl were complaining abt lects on wed, when i realised that the over-enthusiastic zoology ppl might have decided to have lect on tuesday. so i rang tianyi to confirm this fact.
hasn't really sunk in yet.
boo.


i'm taking my relationship with a long-time buddy to a whole new level.
this relationship used to be limited to canned nescafe and milk tea in jc.
moved on to white/black coffee and english breakfast tea in uni.
now i've added to my collection coffee beans as well.
chocolate-covered ones, to be exact.
fantastic stuff, from Whittard.
and "coffee is a source of antioxidants"
yay.

back to my old room at last :)
yay!
shifted in a record time of 30 mins (temp room to old room, trunk room to old room).
went to salsa last night, got back at 1 am and started packing the room at 2 am. slept at 430 am, got up at 8 am and continued packing before shifting rooms.
was in a daze most part of the time.
a floaty feeling from the lack of sleep.
:s
but somehow managed to shift rooms, grocery shop and get lunch in that state.
whew.
thanks for ur help! :)

finally a post to show that studying in england is not all that fun :(
cos we actually do mug.
haiz.

biochem is not fun.
at all.
especially protein structure. 5 lects= 1.5 weeks of protein structure is insane. and lets not forget the subsequent 5 lects on enzyme catalysis- down to the role of each amino acid in the catalytic triad in the active site of chymotypsin.
and the best part is: i don't understand any of it.
we think.. proteins and enzyme... did since sec 4 bio right?
right.
WRONG.
all incomprehesible.
"myosin is a ruler" (ok in more words than that..)
thanks.

and the notes are so thick!
lets compare Biochem with Pathology.
protein structure: 5 lects
pathology: 1 term (michealmas) = 8 x 3= 24 lects




cover page. bio chem on the left, path on the right.


thickness: the same.

stupid biochem
:(

:)

ephesians 4:25-32

haven't salsa-ed for so long :(
arghthe last time i danced was... 1.5 weeks ago.
and that was after 3 weeks of not dancing- so i forced myself to go down and de-rust.
haiz
the lack of salsa is getting to me- 2 nights ago i dreamt i was dancing in Varsity.
have been thinking abt that quite a bit.
quite stressed abt it actually.
don't feel prepared at all :( fortuantely its in may.
to my dance partner: we need to practice. argh. and u need an outfit. and i need eyeshadow. AHH.

and at last, we had another nat sci cookout.
oh yes.
a feast, really.
had 2 egg dishes, a 2 veg dishes, pork, chicken curry, beef, thai noodle.
and dessert. 2 types of agar agar and red bean soup.
and krispy kreme.

we were quite full after that :)

we entertained ourselves by discussing chinese songs, childhood tv programmes and how the rice cooker works. many hypotheses on the latter.
oh, and how to make multi-layer, hemispheric agar agar. many suggestions once again.
one day we should try it out.
not once was the dreaded T word mentioned. well done us :)

we also tried balancing cups....

then we photo-whored...

us! in my room :)

without glasses. all of us wear glasses. haiz.



best shot of the day :)

went to grafton to shop on saturday.
and there were some conservationalists outside lobbying to save the owls.
so they had owls at the booth.
cool.
haven't seen owls so up close before.
they have very piercing eyes.

for surely easter is a happy occasion, as we celebrate the ressurection of our Lord.

today in church the title of the sermon was "Prove it!"
how can we know that Jesus really rose from the dead?

from eye-witness accounts, cos Jesus appeared to his disciples twice, and then again to hundreds of other ppl, and then to the apostles. after he was crucified, that is.
and John, one of the disciples, wrote it down in the book of John. and so did Paul, who recorded these accounts in his letter to the Corinthians.
and there are several other accounts in the bible that i can't recall.

so that's how we know its true.
the disciples, apostles and early Christians were persecuted the rest of their lives because of their faith in Christ, so they would hardly make up the ressurection accounts.

and how do we know the bible is true?
there are many books on this topic.
i've got one book cleverly named "why trust the bible?"

just got back from WordAlive, a UK-wide Christian retreat.
Location: Skegness, a seaside resort.
with temperatures hovering at abt 2 deg C despite the shining sun.
we stayed in caravans this year- 18 of us cam CFers in all, with 6 ppl per caravan.

went for Wordalive last year as well.
i prefer this year's line-up of seminars and talks cos they were a lot more helpful and the speakers were amazing.
but last year's was more fun cos of the inter-chalet interaction (not to say that this year's wasn't fun la.)
i enjoyed our caravan's theological discussions, random guitar playing, and obsession with desserts.

typical day at Wordalive:

830 am: wake up, maybe have french toast (courtesy of gabriel)
cook lunch/dinner (if its mine and jeremy's turn) early so that we don't have to miss any seminars (so enthu!)
10- 1115 am: Hitch-hiker's guide to the Bible- going through the whole Bible in chronological order. in 4 days.
1145-1 pm: book of Philippians- going through the whole book, one chapter per day. the speaker for this series of talks was really v good.

1-215 pm: lunch in caravan!

215- 3 pm: seminar. went for one on Israel, and one on the meaning of a catholic (not Catholic) church.
315-4 pm: seminar on the Triune God. v cheem, but v helpful series- learnt quite a bit.
415-515pm: seminar on relationships/creation vs evolution.

515-645: dinner!!

645-9 pm: worship with everyone in the Big Top, followed by a talk (on the theme- One People)

9 pm- late: slack in caravan and eat dessert.


it was an intensive 5-day retreat, but i enjoyed it a lot.
realised how little i know abt the Bible.
felt challenged.
learnt much.






shenglong and ryan cooking; bird's nest; Big Top
inside the Big Top; dinner (cooked by jeremy and i!); CF t-shirt!
ducks outside our caravan; view from the caravan of other caravans; some of us in the Big Top after the last morning worship/talk.

group photo!