there is this certain sense of finality now.
no more hoping and wishing "maybe..."
now that the nus ppl have matriculated, there is no chance of being called up by nus med anymore.
and that means that my future is sealed- at least for the next 9 years.
one would think that it was sealed when i signed the deed, but no, it happened when i went to nus on tuesday and witnessed the matriculation of my peers.

went for lunch with the a.* ppl before meeting up with ivan and tengsoon for a walk around the med fac where i met kenneth, daniel, wee soon, audrey and fish.
walked down the path i took after leaving the 2nd interview room, reliving the memory of bursting into tears with my heart sinking as i realised how terribly the interview had gone.
walked past the medical library, where i had spent countless hours researching journals for my srp project.
walked to frontier, the science canteen, where i once had lunch with many different ppl- biomed, srp, nuh.
walked past LT27 and the co-op.
a walk down memory lane, quite literally.
the science and med facs are such familiar places to me, having been there so often.
for most part of my life i thought i would indeed end up studying in nus.
an overseas education was but a dream.

and now i can profess that this dream has come true.
but why then does my heart ache when i walk past those familiar places?
do i really want to do med that badly... or is it just a desire to get what i cannot.
would i really have chosen nus over a.* had i gotten in.
i wouldn't ever know.
i guess sometimes its good not to have a choice- i'm always afraid of making the wrong decision.

so now i can say with all certainty that i am an a.* scholar going to study bio in cambridge.
i've never made such a statement in my blog before, or with much confidence in my conversations with others- for i was still living in uncertainty.
but now the suspense is truly over for me and i am, to quote the Phantom of the Oprea, "past the point of no return".
preparing to embark on a new phase of my life.
constantly telling myself that it is true, that i'm really leaving.
my visit to nus invariably entailed the meeting of many of my peers.
then they would naturally ask "so which fac are u in?"
then i will have to say "i'm not in nus.. just visiting cos i have nothing to do."
"oh.. then were are u studying?"
"i'm going to cambridge to do bio"
although it seems as if i'm informing the other person of my future plans, what i'm really doing is reminding myself that i've been rejected by nus and i'm going overseas. saying it out loud reaffirms it. and its painful. cos its reminding me of all that i have to leave behind, all that i'm going to miss.

i sat outside the sports hall as i waited for a friend, and took the opportunity to people-watch and observe the place. i was struck by how singaporean it all was. how similar nus was to, say, jc and secondary school. an extension of sorts, and on a larger scale. i was surrounded by people of the same skin colour, the same accent, the same educational background and experience. red bricks, white tiles and grey cement were combined together to form an achitectural piece that was distinctly singaporean. i was hot and sticky owing to the bright sunshine and high humidity. i was at home.

now contrast that with cambridge.
i am the only singaporean undergrad in my college, which by the way, is Robinson College. (no, its not a shopping centre)
the people there are probably from a myriad of different countries, with a spectrum of skin colours, accents and backgrounds.
the weather would probably be cold and dreary.
most of the builings in the university town centre would be beautiful architectural masterpieces rendered out of stone.
a testament of the rich british history and culture- a culture i cannot call my own.

i suppose it is in a foreign land that i will really start to look for an identity.
its easy to say that i'm a singaporean, but when i'm invited to a ball and asked to wear my national dress, what do i put on? a cheongsam, sari, baju kurong or kebaya?
none of these is distinctly singaporean. it would be easy to choose one and just brand it "asian" and wear it to the event for "no one will know lah.. all asian mah". while that may be true to some extent, and i could probably get away with wearing any one of the 4 choices, it doesn't discount the fact that i can't truly identify with what i'm wearing. what then can i identify with and call singaporean? a t-shirt, shorts and slippers or the SIA girl uniform?

well.
the sense of finality that descended upon me has spurred me to action.
i have booked my plane ticket.
i'm leaving on 28th sept.
i'm scared.
but i'm grateful.
grateful for the path God has set out for me, as part of His beautiful and perfect plan.


"For surely I know the plans I have for you", says the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."
Jeremiah 29:11, NIV

thank you Lord.





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today was a fun day.
teng soon came to hc to return me my sec 3 social studies text book which he borrowed for his sis 2 years ago.

i met my 7C students!
some of them.
them: hi ms lim! ur back!
me: yup!
them: are u going to teach us bio?
me: (i wish) nope! i'm teaching PW (feels like digging a hole and burying my head underground)
them: oh...
me: so how was bio BT?
them: we did very well! our class average is 2nd in the level leh!
me: thats very good! congrats! :D
them: are u going to treat us? u said u will treat us if we get 2nd in the level leh
me: .....

so now i need to treat them.
haiz.
wonder what to buy.

at night i performed with the xenbar ppl for the first time ever!
we performed in the sungei guddong camp.
so i got to see an army camp for the first time!
so many guys in green congregated at the same place.
apparently they were all officers and above. not that that means much to me, really.
i did rueda and another all-girls dance.
so fun!
but when we finished the all-girls dance the army ppl didn't even clap lah.. lousy audience. bah.
but i had fun.
the stage was tiny though. and carpeted.
so i was so afraid to spin cos i was afraid i would fall off the stage.
not that its that easy to spin in the first place lah.
then we had to teach some select few ppl how to dance.
so they sabo-ed 4 guys.
and i was forced to dance with this high rank person.
me: this is how you dance. step left, right, left.
him: ok.. left, left, right.
me:.....

and i met jerald shawn tan there too!
but he didn't see that dance
...
bah.
and he told me that edwin was there!
so i asked him to look for edwin.
so he disappered and never returned.
haiz.

but on the whole it was fun lah.
hope to perform again soon :)


.

went to the uk fair organised by the brit council yesterday.
met amanda there but i was like 30 mins late no thanks to the road block and my little brother.
the road block resulted in my having to walk for 15 mins to get to suntec from the bus stop. a very effective way of getting all sporeans involved in the whole ndp thing- thoroughly cause inconvinience by setting up road blocks and driving huge greyish-green tanks everywhere. generously covered with foliage no less. admittedly it worked- i was forced to look at the drive-through of those tanks.
anyway.
my little brother was lost at suntec so i had to rescue him from where he was (outside U2) and steer him in the direction of the mrt station. thereafter i made my way to pan pacific hotel via marina square, getting quite lost in the process. bah.
but i got there in the end.
sorry manda! *sheepish look* :D
then we went to orchard.
at the mrt station it suddenly occured to us that we were in orchard.
so we decided to pierce our ears.
and we did.
so i re-opened the second ear-hole on each of my ears which had closed up over the past few months.
it hurt. :(

today.
went to xen from 7-10:45 pm.
danced a lot lot.
3 different types of dances!
ended with social dancing salsa.
today's xen outing was particularly satisfying, cos it was so fun and eventful :)
i enjoyed watching yen qing dance- she is inspiring!
its good to have a role model for dance.
performing tmr at last... yay~
haihan and teresa came today!
planned our union sq outing.
hope it comes to pass :S





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finally.
i've finally found time to blog.
i started work on monday.
yup, i'm back in the workforce again.. until 2 august!
i'm teaching in hc :)
PW :(
its pretty slack compared to teaching bio, but it doesn't come with the satisfaction that comes with explaining a difficult concept.
when i teach bio i actually feel like i'm transfering knowledge to the students.
when i teach PW i feel like i'm crapping.
bah.
but i shouldn't complain. i'm thankful for a job :)
i was supposed to sit at the math department (*shudder*) but requested to sit at my old table, mrs goh's table, where ppl around me talk about interesting things. much better than talking about yet another way to differentiate or integrate :S

i've been sleeping 5 hours a day since sunday.
i'm dying of fatigue.
yawn.
and my knees hurt.
they have been hurting since monday's class at xen.
i strongly think its cos of over-exertion when i practice the hip hop dance for the a.* ceremony, which will be held tmr. we had a.* practice on fri sat and sun!
lots of jumping there- very taxing on the knees.
so i voluntarily put myself on a no-high-heel-shoe diet.
i.e, i've been wearing shoes that do not have heels higher than 1 cm to reduce the strain on my knees.
then i discovered that the only footwear i own that qualify are slippers and sneakers- not v appropriate for hc. but i still wore sneakers anw.. cos i spotted a chinese teacher in a samfu/cheongsam thingy and sneakers :)
so i had no choice but to buy a pair of ballet pumps from far east lest the students think i'm satorially challenged.

met the cambridge-bound sporeans for dinner last night.
can't really remember everyone's names.
haiz.
then met with the 4a3 ppl for ice cream at esplanade.
took lots of embarrassing photos with audrey and dawn haha.
was fun :)

lost my handphone today.
think i dropped it in the carpark at centros.
haiz.
the dance item ppl in a.* were very helpful and nice :) did all they could to help but to no avail. its nice to know they cared.
cancelled the card in the afternoon.. will buy another one and reactivate it tmr. same phone number. but it'll be empty so i won't have a single phone number!!!
tragic.

its the a.* award ceremony tmr.
hope the dance turns out well.
my partner for the last bit will be dancing on the stage for the very first time tmr, a few hours before the actual thing.
scary.
not used to such last minute performances... worse than M.A.D's last minute dances- at least we practiced on the actual performance place a few times.
and we haven't even tried the makeup yet!
jia lat.
haiz.

drove from 750-930 pm today.
couldn't see anything.
the sky was black, the demister lines on the rear windscreen were black and the poles were black.
how to see the stoopid turning point man.
but still can park somehow.
the stoopid car 171 is screwed up lah.
after my no-high-heel-shoe therapy my knee heel sufficiently for me to don my 3.5" heels for the rehearsal today.
then i drove car 171 with a jammed up accelerator pedal. its super hard to depress and i have to depress it a lot to get the car to even move.
sian.
so my poor right knee is so suan now.
haiz.
must black-mark that care liao.
really really hope i don't get it anymore :(
poor knee :(





-

i attempted to take artistic shots.
keyword: attempted



1 mummy swan + 3 baby swans in St James's park



fountian statue thing in front of buckingham palace



kings college chapel



then i saw a real artist at work on the pavement.
gave him 50p then took some photos :)



bohemian artist! beautiful picture rendered in chalk... on the cold hard pavement- to be washed away or trampled upon.



i had to take a close up.




-

i passed my final theory (at last)
yay~
so i can book my driving test date.
yay~
its in august, so that's not too bad.
enough time to practice i hope.
:S



-

well
so we went to carnaval at CHIJMES yesterday.
wat does "MES" part of CHIJMES stand for?
but i digress.
carnaval is a club that has a different theme everyday, and wednesday night is salsa night.
so there were free salsa and merengue classes.
the salsa class was soporific.
and it started late :(
the merengue class was an eye opener.
the instructor and his female partner looked really good dancing merengue together,
but its too intimate a dance for my liking- i prefer salsa :)
there were 3 females, including to the instructor's partner, who seemed to know each other and who participated actively in the class.
since they decided to carry out their conversations right beside me i couldn't help but notice that they were all speaking with the distinct prc accent.
so it was really quite.. a surprise.
in retrospect, i think their dressing, or at least that of the instructor's partner, certainly did give their identities away; they were outfitted in a style that i didn't think was very sporean even then.

a live band started playing music at 11 pm.
that was fun cos they played salsa music!
prior to that the dj spun merengue music which i didn't really fancy.
unfortunately the band decided to alternate salsa with latin cha cha and merengue so we only got to dance to 2 songs before concluding that the music was wayyy to loud and we were better off making our way home.
so we did.

i would say that the entire experience wasn't wasted for i got to listen to a live latino band play and i got to see CHIJMES at night and got inspiration for new food outings. plus i got to meet hai han and his two councillor frens, all of whom did not dance (note: it's did not not cannot) next time u won't get away so easily...

on the downside, the lessons weren't inspiring, the dance floor was tiny and the clubbers were rather.. observant. only a few couples danced while the rest of the people stood silently by and.. observed.
not a very happening crowd.
needless to say, i didn't get to practicing my following skills for lack of people to social with.
sad.
when oh when can i go to union~




-

everyone knows that one can't go to bbdc without bumping into at least one person one knows.
so when i went to bbdc yesterday, i was pleasantly surprised to meet fish and liwei.
fish is taking her test next week! all the best! :)
liwei booked 5 lessons in 2 days! ur nuts.
my instructor, ks, is a friendly guy who smiles when he scolds me.
which he did for the entire duration of my 100 min lessons yesterday.
"lidat how to pass? not that i want to say lah.. but sure fail one"
"can change lane or not?" (me:NO) "can! why still dont change? see lah.. hai... (muttermutter)"
"better not let me teach you tmr ah"

bah.

so i was sad yesterday.
and i was convinced i would fail.
actually i'm still convinced.
but anw

so i decided to drive again today.
and guess who i met at bbdc.
fish and liwei!
and since i screwed up so tremendously yesterday, i asked fish to teach me the procedures for the ramp thing since i had a mental block yesterday and almost gave my instructor a heart attack.

during my lesson in the morning, the instructor made me drive up the ramp.
and since there was a car on the left, i took the lane on the right.
panic.
i tried to recall everything fish told me.
then i turned my head to the left.
and who should i see in the car driving up the ramp but.. fish!
hehehe
so we drove up together and drove down together and reversed up the ramp together.
without banging the pole down
yay~
:)
'twas a happy day.

after the morning lesson i met yesterday's instructor, ks, on the way to the canteen.
then i told him that i could lane change properly- cos i did it successfully in the morning :)
then he said "whats the point... the impt thing is to be able to do it during the test"
aiyah watever lah.
so i met lw for lunch at the overcrowded canteen.
after we both had our caffine fixes, we headed off for our afternoon lessons.

and who should i get as my instructor but.. ks.
almost fainted man.
i totally regreted telling him i could lane change properly loh.
haiz.
he was (un)pleasantly surprised to see me.
ah well.
but everything went well today.
and he didn't scold me. well not as much.
and there were no dire predictions of my test results so i take it as a good sign!
he almost fell asleep in the car.
shows how smooth my driving is haha.
actually i almost fell asleep too.
it is not good to drive after lunch.

going to carnaval tmr!
yay~
hope it turns out well :)



-

argh.
i'm in pain.
i was suffering from salsa social dancing withdrawl symptoms yesterday.
so i really looked forward to social today.
plus hai han finally came so i got to see him dance too!

so it all started off well.
i danced w different ppl.
then i danced with a guy.
then he stepped forward on 3 instead of stepping backwards.
then i stepped forward on 3 as well.
so as a result collision occured.
i was wearing heels (read: vulnerable)
he was wearing covered shoes.
so i snubbed my right big toe on on his shoe.
twice.
think part of the nail came off.
but there wasn't blood, thankfully.
just pain.
now it hurts whenever my foot is subjected to impact.
eg when i walk.
i'm sad.
:(



.

went to coco latte with the a.* ppl yesterday.
was an interesting experience.
downed 4 shots of some alcoholic beverage in one minute.
i think it was 2 shots of "sex on the beach" and 2 shots of "kamikazi"
followed by a round of coke + X
X= another alcoholic thing.

so we were quite full of alcohol before we hit the dance floor.
and i was starving after the dance session at xen.
so the first thing that hit my stomach was alcohol.
which isn't good cos its absorbed rapidly into the blood stream in the absence of other food in the the GIT.

fortunately there is abundant alcohol dehydrogenase in my liver so i wasn't too affected.
unfortunately the other ppl i was with were.
so they decided that we should pole dance.
like what the heck.
there were 3 poles.
this drunk male stranger hogged the centre pole and was really.. into the whole pole dancing thing. quite obscene.
he caught us staring at him so he hopped down from the podium and typed sth into his hp and showed it to us :
"immerse yourself in the beat"
...

we retreated to another pole.
then jm went up onto the podium and danced w yl.
then they hopped off then the 3 guys pushed me up.
(*&^%
i've never seen proper pole dancing in my life loh.
and i was stranded on the podium with me and the pole.
so i made a fool of myself in front of the whole dance floor for like 20 seconds before hopping off.
i guess it would have been fun if i had known more moves.
but i didn't!
so it was.. an interesting experience.
not one i would care to repeat in the near future though :s

all in all the whole experience wasn't too bad.
got to see a diff side of the a.* ppl.
unfortunately the music was hiphop r&b so it got quite repetitive after a while.
there is so much one can do in a limited space to similar music.
made me miss salsa so much.
i haven't danced salsa socially since... monday!
how terrible.
i'm suffering from withdrawl symptoms :(




-

life is tragic.
i don't think i can pass my driving test in time!!!
today i learnt how to drive on the ramp.
the instructor said: drive up to the edge of the ramp. step on the accelerator gently.
so i stepped on the acclerator and the engine made a louder noise. the car did not move.
so i stepped harder and the car lurched forward... and banged down the pole.
it fell and hit the floor with a resounding clang.
i could positively see all the ppl in the cars around the ramp turning around to get a good look at the dumbo who banged the pole down.
bah.
so humiliating!!
instructor: whoa! ni3 kan4 dao4 pole bu4 hui4 ting2 de3 meh!
me:...
(feeling 3.5" tall)
bah.
i didn't know i was supposed to stop man.
but it kinda makes sense to stop now that i think abt it.
haiz.
now i have a great fear of those black and white poles :s
learnt how to park last week.
i didn't hit a single pole!!!
and now i must hit a pole driving.. up a ramp.
apparently the easiest course too.
hmph.
the instructor probably thinks i'm some goon :s
actually i think the ramp course is v hard.
the crank course and s course are so much easier.
now that i hit the pole moving up the ramp, i have a permanent fear of hitting the stoopid pole when i reverse up onto the ramp.
bah.
:(

emergency braking is fun.
he whacked the car with his board and i jammed the brakes.
whoa so fun :)
and its easy cos when he slams the board down he makes a loud noise that startles me and my immediate reaction is to step on the brakes. so its works quite well.

stoopid ramp and stoopid poles.
haiz.


went to orchard yesterday.
saw many bunches of hc ppl
i was just wondering if i would meet any of my students when viola!
i saw some hc boys!
on their way to ps.
they looked vaugely familiar from the back.
and one of them was v tall so i said "hao tian!"
they turned around and behold!
it was hao tian, benjamin and liang zhen!
so nice to see them all again.
apparently the had just finished their bio papers.
hope they all did well :)
will go back and visit someday.
one day.




-

very old photos.. but i had to post them since its so easy to post pics now :)

pics from the first day!



view from the plane



path leading to a river in Richmond. that's my cousin's back to the camera.



the river!



a shop selling stuff in aid of cancer research.



now-defunct train station near Windsor castle... so harry potter! haha



river near Windsor Castle... beautiful.





-

i was looking for pictures to put on the ppt slides for the CG presentation tmr when i decided to include a picture of mg since its a methodist school.

and i found this photo!

i think its the mgs that sat atop mt sophia- the school i studied at for a year when i was in PY. that's the level before primary 1.
that means that i haven't seen the builing in a really long time.
i've almost forgotten how it looks.
but when i really looked closely at the photo, sudden short images flashed across my mind- images captured by a very young me long time ago.
images of the tower from where i sat within the school bus; of the the hall with the green floor that kept shedding; of drawing butterflies in jotterbooks with rough brown paper.
sudden nostalgia.

then i think about my primary school- a regular neighbourhood one.
the (sort of) innocence, the fun kiddiness of it all..
and just how... Singaporean it all is.
for one i learnt all the national day songs then- from the very old cheesy "count on me spore" to the much nicer "home" (a quintessentially singaporean song i feel)
and of course the children's day song.. the one that begins with "sama sama..."
there were the plastic spore flags with candy-filled sticks.
lining up by the sink in the canteen to brush our teeth after recess.
the "pets" worksheet complete with penmenship that is unfortunately quite useless (look at what happened to my handwriting.. haiz)
xi2 zi4, the chinese version of penmenship that was done in those exercise books with the tiniest squares- those that were once used for math and are large enough to house one number per square. the general rule was, the smaller the nicer. hence the size of my handwriting now.

well then.
so the end of primary school marked the end of my spore experience.
cos the schools i went to after that didn't really make me feel all that sporean.
especially mg.
there just wasn't this sporean vibe, somehow.
not that its bad or anything. just different. and i guess the whole mg experience shaped me quite a bit. i do miss dancing in mg. sigh.




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