October 15th photos
A flame for each of our missing babies.  I think I can name more missing babies than living ones.  This makes sense because the living ones don't stay babies for forever.

May we all find peace.

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I'm treating myself gently right now.  Taking days off work here and there to make sure there is time for remembrance, reflection, and rest.

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Also trying out a new antidepressant and while it's only been three days, here is my report so far: the brain chatter that was loud and constant is practically gone.  It's weird but it would be pretty nice if it would stay that way, but it will be very not-nice if extreme forgetfulness accompanies the quiet.  Something to watch for.  The worst thing so far is not being able to sleep for more than an hour at a time.

........

It's been a wonderful few days where it feels like things are going to be ok :)

This just happened

her: "I'm not sure I can do X commitment next spring because I'm about 9 weeks pregnant."
me:  "Ok.  Congratulations!"
her:  "This semester has been kind of tough.  I don't understand the women who said they felt great being pregnant!  I guess they never felt sick or forgot about it."
me:  "Yeah, it's awful.  But you really should feel better in a few more weeks."

I didn't encourage further pregnancy/baby conversation and she didn't notice my comments of commiseration based on experience and that is kind of surprising but not really, at the same time.  One reason for not noticing that other women understand anything about pregnancy is that she probably wanted to throw up at that very moment.  Another reason is that women who are not currently pregnant or who do not have children are not really recognized as ever experiencing pregnancy.  Some kind of brain filter seems to flip on and the only acceptable idea is that childless women could never have been pregnant. 

No one likes to think about dead babies. 

It's not gut wrenching anymore.  Instead I just feel this pathetic resignation that other women get babies and Toren is still dead.

Maybe I'll get another chance.  I'm trying to get a raise to go along with some new duties (THAT is not easy!) so cross your fingers that a larger salary finds it's way to me so that I can afford a baby.

First

Huge thanks to Wyatt's Mommie from Wyatt's Whisper for giving this award to my blog!

The rules are:
1. Accept the award. Post it on your blog with the name of the person who has granted the award and his/her blog link.

2. Pay it forward to 10 other bloggers that you have newly discovered.

3. Contact those blog owners and let them know they have been chosen.

I'm passing the award on to a mix of bloggers, new to me, as well as some that I have been reading for a long while but who didn't already have this award posted (and they completely deserve it!).

Amy at Surviving the Day Every Day
angelseashore at Angel Seashore
Barbara at burble
biojen at Dreaming with a Broken Heart
brianna at .daily.amos.
Carly at Soul Blossoming
Catherine W at Between the Snow and the Huge Roses
cgd at Adventures in Infertility-Land
Jenn at Jenn's Den
Mandy at One Good Thing
myskytimes at Skytimes
Quiet Dreams - Dreaming of Quiet Places
Reba at Life without my twins
vera kate at My Insides, Out.



Second

Depression is thick lately.  And I'm feeling very impatient with it.  It's different from before - now I can recognize when a certain incident is making me sad and when it's depression - perhaps that means that some progress is being made.  I think most people around me would not be able to notice it anymore because I do genuinely smile and participate in small talk without resenting that people are "supposed" to exchange pleasantries when passing.  But behind closed bedroom, office, and bathroom stall doors there's been a lot of crying lately.

My antidepressants are still being monitored and some tests are being run to see if there is something else going on that brought about this latest round of increased depression.  And I'm still in therapy once a week, and I am comfortable with requesting even more frequent sessions if necessary.  And if things feel dangerous I know where to go for a few days of inpatient treatment.  So, I'm not alone or without resources which means it's just a matter of waiting.

.......

The knee that I broke in early summer hurts on cool mornings.  Not a surprise but it makes every step a reminder that winter is approaching.  Never have I felt less ready for the cold, the dark, the bare trees, and the holiday cheer.  Along with all of that comes another round of anniversaries and wondering why the events of years ago still ache so badly.

.......

A co-worker pulled me aside on Friday to say that whenever she sees me lately she thinks that I'm pregnant.  I respond that I've just been putting on weight, then she says rather than weight it's a "glow" that I have.  Another minute of talking and she is so happy to tell me that I'm going to be pregnant soon.  I don't know if I should believe the "glow" bit since she may have been trying to cover up that she mistook my expanding waistline for pregnancy.  She is the spiritual sort so maybe she is sensing a being hanging around me, which kind of makes me feel like I'm failing an interview since I don't feel like life is so in order lately.  What ever her meaning, it was very upsetting (like go home early and go back to bed upsetting).  I can't believe her prediction because it is exactly what I think I want and also the thing I am most terrified of.  But if her perhaps-careless-promise doesn't come true I will never forgive her.



Lastly

Ugh, gotta find some happy thoughts before ending this.

a new houseplant

a new plant forming on the end of a leaf, as promised!

a new camera that's been providing fun with taking photos :)

the zoom is so good you can see the dust on Tara and it adjusts for wiggles and that has made a great difference in how photos turn out since I can't seem to hold a camera still!

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Wishing you all a beautiful day!