Folly folly...

It's about time I say to myself, "Heck it with Peter, let's be John."

Peter and John are both great disciples of Jesus. However, one of Peter's major flaws was that he cared about how people viewed him. John on the other hand, was not afraid of the people and followed Jesus wholehearted.

Frankly speaking, I really could not care less of how people view me, but many times I may lose my sense of security because of how people viewed others. When praises are given to others, I feel a sense of jealousy just run through my spine. I start to feel unworthy and discouraged. I'm laughing as I'm making this post because this is really ridiculous. However ridiculous it is, though, I still have this sense of weakness within me.

Perhaps it's the environment in which I grown up in. How many times did friends leave me to go with someone more "popular" or "better"? How many times did people treat me as a stepping stone to get to someone and stealing my his friendship with me? How many times am I to realise that my friendships last no more than 3 months because someone "better" always comes along.

Hurts of the past I've accumulated. This sort of made me give up my social circle and stop making friends. Praise the Lord that did not work out! I've effectively cut off myself from getting hurt again but I am still lonely.

Prayer definitely helped a lot with this problem, but at times I just cannot get over the insecurity that people will favour others because they are "better". Praise the Lord, I'm getting the hang and the control of it.

I'm not looking for acknowledgments, praise but friends which I can trust and talk to. I trust the Lord with my friends that I make and even if He gives me none, I will be contented. Many think that death is the worse punishment anyone can get. I think loneliness is much more scary. Compare taking a step that will lead you to an unknown place with a feeling of emptiness in which you know so well because it keeps visiting you throughout your life.

I do not deny that sometimes I may be a little proud, perhaps arrogance for a better word. Though, frankly speaking, I would love to exchange my talents and achievements for a couple of friends.

I have struck GOLD!

Brilliant time it is and I am going to make full use of it. Everyone's panicking, money's flying EVERYWHERE!

10 more months I'm going into the market!

The secret in life

What does it take to excel in everything that you do? What does it take to obtain great wealth? What does it take to remain healthy? What does it take to have healthy relationships with your friends?

It is not a sudden burst of passion. It is not a sudden surge of excitement. It is not a burst of energy to get things right.

It is consistency.

Consistency in everything you do. Consistency in your character, your words, your actions.

Even if you are really low-down now, do not try to change everything. It will be too overwhelming and you will end up changing nothing.

Be and stay consistent. A small change at a time, before long, you had changed a lot.

Building an organization from scratch? Visualize but not aim wild and try to get everything done.

Be and stay consistent. A small start at a time, before long, everything will be running smoothly.

Even God has been consistent in everything He says and do. Consistency is the secret to life.

Merry Christmas

Merry Christmas to all! Today's service was awesome. The creativity of the drama team is absolutely out of this world. Not only are they really relevant and funny, they are still able to capture the core message of Christmas. Kudos to them!!

Anyway, let's end off this year with thanksgiving.

To:

Xin Hong - My dear cell leader, it's been really great serving under you. You taught me many things and really are the best inspiration I can every have. I will always have my faith in you and follow you whereever you go! God bless you and your family!

Serene - My good friend, it's been a year since I've met you and, frankly speaking, you really discipled me well. Thank you for your friendship and your guidance, and I pray that your members will every prosper under you. Merry Christmas and God bless!

Marvin and Kuangnan - My fellow men of Christ, it's really great serving God together with you. It'd really been an excitement for me to see both of you joining me in this journey. No doubt you have supported and inspired me with your zest for the Lord and your words of encouragement kept me in check. Keep on shining for God!

Junying - The only reason why you are not in the same category as Marv and Kuang is because you are not same age (heh... sorry batch pride) and partially because you will never read this anyway. But anyhow, really want to thank you for your faith and your enthusiasm in the house of God. You have really grown from the first time I saw you at RI and now. I am really glad to have you running this race alongside with me. God bless!

Shiaoyen - My sister in Christ (some say female counterpart; himbo... -.-), it's been a great year knowing you! I still remember the first time I met you in school to go for cell group together. I was dead excited then, and I'm dying excited now. Haha, you are always full of joy (and whines) and it'd been awesome to have known you. Thanks for your love and your everlasting faith. Merry Christmas!

Beulah - My other sister in Christ, thanks for all the encouragement that you had gave me! You've really taught me many things and provoked my thinking many times (although you did not realise it). Still, as a housewife in training, it's been a great year serving with you. We have both grown so much... (sigh... the horrors of aging) and next year will be even better! (haiz...) It's great to see you having so much faith and all a great Merry Christmas to you! God bless!

Dexter - My brother in Christ, the cool-never-talk but very funny dude. It's great knowing you and thanks for sharing with me things in army. I've got lots to learn from you, esp. your coolness. Heh. So I will act cool and not talk much... God bless!

Rina and Veena - My sisters in Christ! Whoo hoo! It's been a great year walking with you:D Seeing you rising from faith to faith can never be ever more pleasing. Thank you for teaching me many things that you do not even know, but you still taught me much;) It'd been great knowing you, and next year will just be even more awesome! God bless!

Cherie - My sister in Christ (the titles are getting a lil monotonous...), and diva in the making (perm hair huh? heh, shiaoyen watch out!) It's been great having you around and your humogous amount of faith against your faith is ever so inspiring. Thanks for all the prayers that you've done for the cell group. You are indeed a prayer warrior! God bless!

Emily - ................... *nods* *shake* *shrug*
Haha... Just to irritate you! It'd been great meeting you! And although you don't really talk to me, I still enjoy talking to you... (okay I'm not despo...) Thanks for helping me find me younger side in this rapid process of aging! :D:D Whoohoo! Merry Christmas!

To all the others - I am so sorry I cannot list your names for the following reasons 1) senile 2) lazy 3) do I know you?
Nevertheless please do realise that you have played an important role in my life (even if you just walk by me once in your lifetime) and I just want to thank you for all that you have done! Merry Christmas and God bless all of you!

Ouch!

Wow, spiritual warfare is really awesome (but not fun at all...). One hour you feel fine, the next hour you just feel nonsensical.

Stumble, stumble, stumble...

Understanding Morality (C)

Our morality determines our standard of living. As mentioned in part A of this mini-series, immorality is to place a creature in an environment that is contrary to it's nature. In the bible, it states that we are to live a life of prosperity, greatness and abundance. In conclusion, it is IMMORAL to lead a mediocre life.

Is it not a wonder? Why humans prefer luxury over poverty? Why humans emphasize so much of their life on aesthetics? Why humans prefer such a higher standard of living compared to the animals of the world?

How do we live a life that is not of mediocrity and of value and excellence?

1. Have a vision and purpose for what you are doing.

In America, 100s of adults kill themselves. Almost all are 30 years and above and achieved a great amount of wealth and status. So why did they take their lives? Because they were unhappy with who they had become.

We have to know who we are and what we want to become. Our measure of success MAY NOT BE what we really want. Think carefully of the life you want to lead and if that can really GUARANTEE the happiness you deserve.

2. Change your thinking.

Ever woke up on a Monday morning and cursed? Ever thought that you will fail in life and ended up cutting yourself?

Ever being told in the face that you are living a lie? That's what Jesus told me. Jesus told me that my life is a victory. (After all, I won against millions of other sperms.) Jesus told me that I can achieve great things in my life. And I just believed it. Naive, no! Faith!

The opposite of faith is fear. And in our mind these two elements take turns to control us. We may filled with faith one day and think that we will have a bright future, then when we wake up the world is suddenly falling all around you.

Change the fear into the faith, that you may walk with confidence all the time.
2 Timothy 1:7 "For God did not give us a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power, of love and of self-discipline."

Change your attitude, change your life.

3. Actions

People are afraid of taking actions, not because they are lazy, but because of the fear they have for failure. We doubt ourselves, our ability, our talent, our friends, practically everything that failed us before. Is it unwise then, to choose a life that we can put these things all aside and just come before our lives pure again to live it once more?

Friends, my heart goes all out to you. That I want to see you with a life of excellence, I want to see you excel in everything that you do. However, if you had been let down by someone or somethings, I will be there to listen. By any chance I happen to be dead, let God listen and He will cleanse you once more.

Let's take action and live a moral life.

Understand Morality (B)

In the previous post I vaguely discussed the link between purpose and morality. Hopefully all of us can establish our thoughts around this thesis.

In this post I will write my thoughts on what kind of purpose should we have.

Purpose in the nature of a person. So what is our natural purpose?

I do not have the exact answer by there is one thing in which we can do before we were taught or influenced to do, and I would like to proceed from there.

I find myself answering with a word called "love". Looking at babies, it is clearly seen that they are able to express basic affections toward the things they like. Due to my limited expressions, I am afraid I am unable to put forth this point very well, but I do hope you can understand what I am getting at and arrive at the conclusion that one of our purpose is to love.

With a daring mind, do allow me to explain the meaning of love. Love is an affection for someone that alters behaviours of oneself to make the target joyful.

Love may often be mistaken as lust. However, there is a clear distinction between the two of them. Love is about giving, while lust is taking. You can love money and share your wealth or you can lust after money and do whatever means to get them. You can love your spouse and share your life with her or you can lust her sexuality and ignore the other aspects of your relationship.

Thus if we establish our purpose around love, we can have a fulfilling life. Love everything, everyone, every event around you. Treat all your time with love. When you feel down or angry or frustrated, just ask "Am I loving?" "Am I fulfilling my purpose?".

Understanding Morality (A)

A friend told me he believed that there is no morals, and that morals are built based on our own standards and through our own judgment. It is just a nice word to cover what we like and not like.

Indeed I do agree to him to a certain extent. Morality of this world is defined by the law and sometimes even the media, however I do see a significance in the discussion of real morality by the identification of it's roots.

Grab a small sparrow from a tree and throw it into the sky. Is that immoral? What if you switch the sparrow with a puppy? How about putting the sparrow into the depths of the sea?

That's immoral. Many would comment.

Why?

Because all these creatures have a purpose in itself. A puppy is not meant to fly, a sparrow is not meant to swim. Hence, by this innate nature that they have, we define if our actions are moral or immoral.

"Immorality is to put a creature in an environment that is contrary of its basic nature."

Basic nature can also be defined as it's purpose.

Being humans, there has to be an innate, built-in character for everyone. And it will be foolish, even from a philosopher's point of view, to say that that is without purpose.

Knowing our purpose is the basis of a secure life. Dangers of ignorance is that we may be abused. If a man knows not a purpose of a guitar, he may end up using it as a hammer. Abuse of purpose is what we see all throughout this world. Prostitutes treated like sexual possessions for people's pleasure, workers treated like cheap labour for higher production, even managers treated like slaves to the money that they worship.

With such dangers, it is vital that we discover the purpose in ourselves. We must place an identity in our lives to protect ourselves from being misused or abuse.

Do you know your purpose?

People have confidence, we have faith.

Unbelievers may have confidence in the things they do, but as Christians, we have faith. What's the difference between the two?

The confidence of unbelievers is often sourced by their own achievements and success. Their peace is written on tangible things such as the ability to score well in a test, won medals in for competitions. They build their future on the past.

The faith Christians have is an outward emotion towards God. Our peace is written on the intangible trust in our God to bring us through trials we have in our lives. We build our future on a living God.

The consequences of these two seemingly similar but rather different attitudes is that confidence may easily lead into pride. The fueling of confidence is through a centre being, which is the person himself. At times the self-centered nature may corrupt the pure nature of our deeds, and no matter how we try to humble ourselves, our selfish nature will never crush our ego.

Faith is built on other person. Victories and successes are dedicated to that person. It is a transfer of glory and honor from ourselves to someone else. We know we did the thing, but we also know that God did it through us. Our evidence, is the God's work is eternal and it is excellent. Indeed, humility can be exercised no matter how big your achievement is, because glory belongs to God. Complacency shall not exist in our hearts.

Why have faith in God? Because God is perfect.
People cannot put their faith in people because they had been hurt before, they had received unjust treatment from others, they have been disappointed by others before.
Humans are imperfect. There will always be a time where we have to let our friends down because we had overlooked things which we should not have. Forcing yourself to be perfect is simply foolish. Instead, why not channel that foolish energy into something which is already perfect? Put your trust in God, whom by faith (and fact) is perfect, and lean on His help for a perfect life.

Many people refuse to believe in God, to me that's is really not a problem. The question is not "Does God exists?", it should be "Why do you not believe in God?". The dull ones may answer "Because He does not exist!", perhaps let's reflect on the reasons why we came to that conclusion.

I do not want to go into apologetics here. That is simply nonsense to evangelise. I am here, simply, to tell you that if there's a time in your life where you felt empty, hopeless, faithless, with whatever faith you had left in you, put it in God. Just trust Him to take care of you. Do something crazy, put your faith in someone who you believe does not exist! And please believe me in this, that trusting in God is different in trusting in Santa Claus, because when you put your faith in God, wonders will start to happen, miracles will transform your life.

My heart will be out with you friends. I declare my love for all of you out there. And my heart breaks simply to see anyone of you getting hurt, and it yearns for me to come to your aid.

Let me introduce to you my friend, His name is Jesus, He is beautiful.

I will speak only what the Father speaks to me

I love God.

God loves me more.

And that makes me jealous.

How I wish I can multiply my love for God, but I guess must submit to the cruel fact that we cannot outgive, outlove God. We simply cannot beat Him in it.

Friday's men conference was awesome. Halfway through Dwayne's preaching I realized I was gaping at him. Xin Hong's message on integrity really hit me in the face, and broke my teeth. Wow, these are the men of God you will not want to miss. I am going to press into their lives, by hook or by crook and squeeze some juice out of them so that I can drink. I want an impartation from them.

I led my first coporate prayer meeting during the men conference. Praise the Lord! The Holy Spirit really spoke through me. Truthfully, I had no idea what I am going to say until I uttered the words. I was bloody* nervous, but praise God, He pulled me through. I feel that God really works in mysterious ways. Sometimes you really prepare yourself for anything that may happen, and when you get ready, God does not choose you. Before prayer meeting started I was feeling horrible, confessing in faith did not work. And God called me, when I was most vulnerable! Oh and praise God, He showed me His grace and His love. Hallelujah!

To my leader Xin Hong, I want to thank God for letting me meet you. You really taught me many things. I trust in you totally and I will run with your visions and (heck it!) I'm going to see it through. You challenged me to have my own vision and worked towards it, so please let me share with you that my vision is to see your vision come to past. My victory will be seeing you have your victory. I will make sure whoever that you put under me, I will mould them to become great disciples of Christ. And I will present them as one united body of leaders ready to commit themselves to God's work and kingdom. I love you, Xin Hong! Hallelujah!

To those who were shocked at the above paragraph, I thank God for your faithfulness. But I thank Him more for the increase in faith that is about to come into your life, that one day you will come to understand why I devote myself to serving my leader. Hallelujah!

To those who were still not convinced, I thank God for your faith. And I pray to Him that you will be able to find your place in His kingdom, that you will enjoy your life under His care. Hallelujah!

*Disclaimer: The usage of crude words is strongly discouraged by Charles. However, due to his limited vocabulary, the word 'bloody' was purely to create exaggeration with no crude intentions. Furthermore, Charles is unable to type tongues on the keyboard to express his feelings, hence if you see the words "love", "awesome", "Hallelujah", "praise", please exercise your own creativity and amplify the effect by as many times as your imagination can go.

It's a pretty bold post that I am making, but people do get on my nerves sometimes.

Hypocrites is what I call them.

Some people seem not to value their salvation at all. Living their lives thinking they are fine, but I despise their lifestyle, because God despises it. Proverbs 8:13 "To fear the LORD is to hate evil; I hate pride and arrogance, evil behavior and perverse speech." How many of us are proud and refuses to accept advice? The bible says only a fool despises instructions. How many of us are involved in evil behaviors? That because of our immorality, God gave us to our own fantasies. How many of us practices perverse speech? The same mouth that produces praise and worship to our God.

Yes, I am talking about people in my cell group.

Yes, I am talking about you.

Lies you dare to speak into my face, thinking that I would never be able to find out. But it is through the Spirit that I am revealed your perverse thoughts. I have warned you not to be a hypocrite in my face, yet your pride and arrogance deceived you to live a lie.

Why do I not speak into your face? For you would not receive it in the right light. In your deluded minds thoughts of hatred will formulate. Led by the devil your eyes are blinded.

Now that your eyes had set upon these words, open your hearts and desire the Lord to change you. Do not lean on your own understanding but seek the Lord with your heart.

Oh God, forgive me for my anger and I pray for those who sinned against You, that their hearts may change and their eyes be open.

Proverbs 3:1-2
My son, do not forget my teaching, but keep my commands in your heart, for they will prolong your life many years and bring you prosperity.

Lord I need some directions from You. I am so confused. What am I set out to do?

Worries

For the first time in this entire year, I worried about my future. Looking around me, all my friends are either in internship or doing CIPs. For me? I'm doing stuff in church and serving my leaders. Somehow, I just have to feel left behind.

Oh God, I have entrusted my life with You. I surrender everything to You. I will not do anything unless it is Your calling. You will deny me of my own knowledge but fill me with Yours. Lord, I submit to Your will. I believe that You will never shortchange me. You will make me head and not tail of society. You will make me the salt of the earth and the light of the world. Even if it is tough, I choose to follow You.

Must confess this everyday.

Ejection

A boy lays at his seat. He wore a pair of Bermudas while a pair of sunglasses was perched upon his high nose bridge. Legs sprawled across the sand, hands pillowing his head, he looks at the open sky. What a beautiful sight. He thought. The sun beats down against his fair complexion, the breeze gently stroked his messy hair. Turning on his side, his eyes fell upon the blue ocean. Waves crashed onto the sandy beaches lethargically. Gulls floated above the water, eying for trouts. The boy eyelids began to sink, the warm comfortable space had made him drowsy. Eyes closed, the mist in his mind formulated into a picture of a girl. He knows the name of the girl, but he doubts her knowledge of his existence. What was that for? He asked himself. He knew it was not right to create thoughts like that, yet out of curiosity and foolishness, his weak mind fell prey to the temptation.

The girl's face dissolved. Once again mist clouded the boy's mind as he fell deep into sleep. Amidst the haze, a hand glided towards him. He stared hard at the hand. He knew that hand. It was the hand that brought him comfort, the hand that corrected his doings, the hand that led him to great accomplishments. He smiled at the presence of the hand. The hand continued its graceful glide towards the boy. It came close to his face before descending out of sight.

Suddenly, the boy felt a heavy jerk and awoke with a start. Before he could realised what has happened, a stream of cold air blasted against his body, stinging his skin. He opened his mouth to scream, but only to introduce the rushing air into his lungs. He was soaring into the sky.

With massive velocity, he flew into the clouds. Droplets of water now splashed onto his body, before condensing again. The sudden drop in the temperature brought shivers to the boy. Still, he continued the ascend.

Fear gripped him in every nerve. Grasping the chair as tightly as possible, he shut his eyes and think. What happened? He saw the hand again and it was floating casually in front of him. It was you. The boy's mind raced across possibilities of why the hand will do such a terrible thing to him. As loud as a whisper, a voice spoke while the thoughts flew. "Open your eyes and see."

Eyes now saturated with tears due to the chill, the boy forced his eyelids to open. Immediately he stopped in mid-air and the clouds cleared for a magnificent view before him. Magnificent? The boy saw people being abused, people starving, people lost, people hurt, people crying... He looked more closely and realised these are no ordinary people, these are people that are always around him. He met them in school, around the neighbourhood, in church. He saw a girl walk into her room, closed the door, took a knife and started slicing her wrist. His head turned and his sight focused on a boy who was being teased by his friends because of his disabilities and cowered into a corner. His view refocused on a girl so desperate in getting love that she was involved in relationship after relationship, each ending up hurting her badly. A boy being abused by his father; siblings quarrelling; gangs fighting; mothers crying...

His heart filled with remorse. Did the hand lead me to seeing this? Tears streamed down his cheeks as he watched the people in agony. Once or twice he raised his hands trying to help but only succeeding in clutching a handful of nothingness. Nothingness. That is what the people are feeling, that is what they are looking at. What have I been doing? The boy thought to himself. What have I done to Jesus?

The boy was reminded of the story of the rich man and the beggar Lazarus. He sobbed over his ignorance of those in need that were right in front of his doorstep. He sobbed over his selfishness, for wandering off to his fantasy. He sobbed in remorse. Lord, forgive me.

The images of the people slowly disappeared behind reappearing clouds. Without warning, the boy plunged. Falling through the clouds, the nerves cringe in tension...

-------------------------------------------------

With a rapid motion, the boy sat up. Beads of prespiration peppered his well-crafted face. Panting, he surveyed his surroundings. He was on the beach again. The sound of the gently waves saturated his ears, the cool breeze hit his face. A dream? Vivid images of the sufferings flashed across his head. A pensive boy he was, he knew it was more than just a dream. He got up from his bench and started walking away from the ocean. Something must be done...

Good Morning, Sir.

Asian conference is finally here! Amidst all the excitement of wonderful speakers and exciting electives, I took a step of faith and decided to serve as a Greeter.

As many would have a misconception, the job of the Greeter is not to stand there with a smile plastered onto the face and say "Good morning, sir! Welcome to Asian Conference!". There is the usher for that. A Greeter really goes for one on one interaction. We source for visitors who may need help or feels very out of place. We are there to make their stay comfortable and welcoming.

I have indeed met a lot of wonderful people as I served. Some are pastors leading churches, some are delegates who really sacrificed a lot to come for the conference, others are our own church members. I had a great time fellowshipping with the visitors and really enjoy serving them.

Once I met a lady from Hong Kong. She was a pastor of a church. I had the honour to bring her around the conference area, showing her our service halls and bookstore. Honestly speaking, it was the happiest point of my day. I had the honour to bring a couple of pastors from KL to their venues for electives. They were very open and we had a great time chatting along the way. Seriously speaking, there is nothing in this world that may beat someone that compliments you because you did your job well. I am so glad that I served well and brought glory to our God.

"If they walk up and ask for help, you are too late."

This is a quote for the Greeters. Wow, it is really impactful. But on a thought, it certainly does make a lot of sense. As Christians, we must have the boldness to engage others in a meaningful conversation. Not only that, we must be sharp and aware of our surroundings of the people that may need our help, or simply a warm welcome. Perhaps I would like to challenge those Christians who may be reading this blog post to really reach out to strangers during the church service. Do not restrict yourselves to your own cell group mates or those you are familiar with. Take a step of faith and talk to those you never knew. It will make a huge difference in their experience in the church.

In short, let us practically show God's love with one another right here during the service.

I have really enjoyed my time serving as a Greeter. Blessing people, letting them enjoy the service or simply having a smile on their faces lets me really love God more. Thank God for making me so sharp during these few days, thank God for letting me meet so many wonderful people, thank God for discovering who I can be, thank God for letting me have confidence, thank God for letting me bless people's visit to Singapore. Oh I thank you, Jesus.

Amen.

17

Age never struck me until a few days ago. I'm 17! I've hardly noticed. In less than a decade I will be thrown out of college, into the working world. In less than a decade, or at least I certainly hope so, I will be getting married and settling down with a family. How long is a decade? I'm almost through 2 of them and, trust me, they are fast.

Not only did my age struck me, the issue on relationship never became so real in my life. It's common to see couples sitting around in an oddly intimate position. Naturally, my curious brain wanders off to thoughts on when it will be my turn. (No, I'm not actively looking though.)

I suppose all of us reach a point where there is an 'urge to merge'. To me, that seems to be the least of importance now.

"There is a season for everything in life." Eccl 3:1

It certainly is not a season for me to merge! Not even 'experimental' stage. Though I'm not actively looking, I feel that a certain amount of quality lookout can never hurt.

What kind of girl do you like?

That's a good question... But is it not true, that often we plunge into things we are not sure of? I have no particular picks but to be frank, much to my dismay, none of the girls that I've met suits my cup of tea. Maybe it's too bitter, or perhaps I like mine with more sugar, or it's simply the cup that holds the tea, I seriously find it hard to see myself with anyone.

After all, I do believe that when the time has come (that means when I am mature enough), there will be this gorgeous lady that my eyes will fall upon, and (my fingers crossed) a beautiful relationship will blossom out from our youth.

In the meanwhile, bleh... hard to imagine.

Charles! You are a crazy moron!

I guess everyone discusses their maturity once in a while, I am of no exception.

Seems to me that many people around carry my shadow in things that they do. Their thinking, their beliefs, their pride, I had them once myself. But I moved on, and somehow I could not understand why people can even have such thoughts in their mind.

I seem to be very insensitive to other people's circumstances. Often, I would try to impose my values upon others. I cannot understand why people cannot sacrifice as much as I can, why people whine about things that do not even matter to me, why people are so pessimistic about things that I could not care less. My temper runs short when people cannot think the way I do. (Though my tolerance stretches it back long)

I do many things people may think crazy, stupid things sometimes. I sing about everything I can find a tune in; I talk to people with intimidating enthusiasm; I shout and raise my voice just to hear the effect in a room; I fast on the most busy day; give even when I am broke. These things are radical to many, and even I, myself, consider them to be foolish sometimes. However, I still love doing them.

To me, everything I do should have a lil' adventure in it. Embarrassed? What does that mean?

I prefer everyone to speak what they think and have an open mind to whatever they are receiving. I, unfortunately, had gotten into pretty much trouble because of that. Either way, I trust that people will understand I mean no harm and that it is just crazy old Charles.

Sabbath

God gave me a revelation yesterday night on the Sabbath.

Sabbath is most probably the least important part of many Christians lives, the truth is, it's the most important aspect of a Christians walk.

Sabbath is a day where we rest our spiritual beings and refresh them. The story does not end here, please allow me to share my revelation.

I was reading the Chinese Union Version of the bible (Yes, I can read Chinese and Yes, I got a new bilingual bible). I decided to read the book of Acts and the book of Genesis so I can preach in Chinese; the work of the Holy Spirit and God's purpose for man (real man). It caught me when I was at Genesis 2:2. The English version was given as: By the seventh day God had finished the work he had been doing; so on the seventh day he rested from all his work.

Okay... So God rested, I knew that... So?

Let's take a look at the Chinese version, it reads: 到第七日，神造物的工已经完毕，就在第七日歇了他一切的工，安息了。

God said“安息了”. In English, this is often translated to 'Rest in Peace'. Of course 'Rest in Peace' does not refer to passing away, but literally resting in peace.

On Sabbath, God rested in peace.

How much more do we, creation of God, need to rest in peace?

On Sabbath, we must have peace in our hearts. We cannot let any distractions of the world or sin destroy this peace we have on that day. Examples include: being frustrated over people, getting tempted by worldly things, idling away etc. It may be a tendency for us to be easily distracted, or tempted on Sabbath as we do not have ministry activities going on. That's why it is important to keep the peace on Sabbath to make it an effective one.

How do we keep a peaceful heart?

It is by focusing on something and keeping our eyes upon the thing in which we love. In simple terms, focus on God.

Peace can only be sought through prayer with God.

Imagine this:
You get to know a boss you really like and want to know more about him. However, you have to work 6 days in a week and rarely gets a chance to talk to him about stuff other than work. On the seventh day, you finally get a break, and you chose to go the pubs to hang up with your friends and get drunk, waking up the next morning and suffering from a hangover, making your boss mad.

Let's do a simple analysis of this scenario. You like your boss and want to spend more time with him, yet when you get a break you dwindle off to do something that may affect your work efficiency the next week, making your boss mad. Wow! That certainly did not make sense.

On Sabbath, we are to look to God even more than we do in the entire week. This is the time where we fellowship with God and let Him fill us up with His Holy Spirit. That we may be ready for anything that comes in our way in the following week.

Please allow me to be harsh for a moment.

Do NOT find lousy excuses for being unable to find a day for Sabbath! Are you mocking God that He gave you so much work to do that you cannot fellowship with Him? Ask yourselves! What kind of God do you serve?

Sabbath is of utmost importance in our daily lives. God created it, God commanded us to have it, it's up to us to treasure it. C'mon, seriously speaking, ain't that the best time for us to know God better?

A fool

What a fool I had been. I had been terribly deceived by myself. I had relied too much on my own strength. Time to change!

Made wise.

Stand for your faith

Let this be my cry to God. Let this be my weeping for my brothers and sisters. Let this be my last word before the impending doom that awaits me; and if I survive this, let this be my reminder for God's grace in my life.

I am currently facing a horrible case of parental objection. Really really horrible...

I've said things that I should not have...

Parental objection has always been one of the worst obstacle in my entire Christian walk. From the first day I said 'yes' to Jesus, it was hell for me.

I stood by my faith but my faith is being tested again.

Frankly speaking, I cannot see pass 3 minutes of my life. I do not dare to see pass 3 minutes of my life. Everything seems to be crumbling, yet I STILL BELIEVE that God is going to bring me through this. I STILL THANK GOD for everything He did in my life. But the devil tells me, what if God will never bring you through this, what if God will not protect you from me, WHAT IF...

God does not exist.

Heck it.

That's a lie.

Oh God, I need you here with me. Open the hearts of my parents to accept You. Not by my might, Lord, but by Your Spirit. Lord show them that you are real. By faith I profess the victory you have for me after this trial. By faith I declare that You are still Lord over everything. By faith I shall stand by You.

I love You, Lord. I worship You.
You are too good for me to deny.

Be with me, Jesus...

A heavy heart I bring, for I am tired Lord...

Some things happened today that really saddened me.

During chemistry lecture, the lecture group was so badly-behaved that the lecturer walked out on us. 2 classmates of mine ran after him, trying to persuade him to come back. They were both girls. It took me a couple of minutes before the Holy Spirit struck me with the question: Where are the men? The men, or rather males, stayed in the lecture theater and cheered, fool around, making cat-calls. I just felt so horribly sad, just what is wrong with the modern day man? The lecturer did come back in the end, and I felt the Holy Spirit telling to go and thank him for doing so, I was unable to open my mouth, I lacked faith.

After national day concert, I went for dinner with Qian wen. Beside us sat a couple who seemed to be having a bad time with each other. The guy was mistreating the girl but grabbing her stuff, throwing vulgarities at her, scolding her. I sat there and just felt horrid, simply horrid.

When I went home, my dad and I was entering the lift. I pressed the open button to wait for another couple to enter. They were not far from the life but my dad scolded me saying why am I waiting for them. He carried on to argue that by waiting for them we are actually putting on pressure on them? What ridiculous crap is that!? I got so pissed off I rebutted him, saying that he is just exaggerating. He carries on to 'defend' his case saying in this world, there are many exaggerated things happening.

Just what is wrong with man of today? Why have they become so arrogant?

I am so troubled by the fact that men are shunning the responsibility that they are supposed to carry in their lives, the exemplary attitude that they are expected to showcase when it comes to challenges and adversaries; but they are so far away from this excellent conduct, causing many women to turn away from the reliance on men totally; yet men still carry their stinking arrogance, explaining that that is the result of feminism.

I just feel so stressed today of the things that are expected out of me. As a CCA leader, a student, a son and most importantly a Christian, there are many standards that I must reach. I started to doubt if I was capable of accomplishing them effectively. I know there can be no compromise in any, neither can I give up on any, yet I just feel so confused about the things happening around me. Not that I am oblivious to the events, just unsure on how to prepare for the events that are coming-up.

What happened to God?

He is sitting beside me right now, no doubt. I know that God is always with me in whatever that I do, but there is something that blocks me from having that faith in God.

I need to pray, like always.

I pray to be with God each second of my life, I don't care what happens to me, as long as He is with me, I am happy enough.

God be with me.

Down every road, You're always waiting there...

I am so friggin' scared I will lose God.
Please pray for me.

I don't care

I am so glad to be posting this.

I don't care if I don't have the nicest eyes in the world, for I only care about you Jesus.
I don't care if I don't have the prettiest face in the world, for I only care about you Jesus.
I don't care if I cannot do any pull-ups, for I only care about you Jesus.
I don't care if I don't have friends by my side all the time, for I only care about you Jesus.
I don't care if I don't have a girlfriend to share my life, for I only care about you Jesus.
I don't care if people rarely visit my blog and post their comments, for I only care about you Jesus.
I don't care if I never get to lead in Your house, for I only care about you Jesus.
I don't care if people laugh that I am the most boring person in the world, for I only care about you Jesus.
I don't care if I cannot obtain the best results in the school, for I only care about you Jesus.
I don't care if I cannot be the best trombone player in my school, for I only care about you Jesus.
I don't care if I am not the best student leader in my school, for I only care about you Jesus.
I don't care if people go against me just for the fun of it, for I only care about you Jesus.
I don't care if people walk over, around, under me to mock, tease, bully me, for I only care about you Jesus.
I don't care if my dreams are not fulfill, for I only care about you Jesus.
I don't care if my parents are against me seeing You, for I only care about you Jesus.
I don't care how far I am to travel to meet with You, for I only care about you Jesus.
I don't care how tired I am each day to spend time with You, for I only care about you Jesus.
I don't care how harsh circumstances are with me, for I only care about you Jesus.
I don't care if I were to die tomorrow, for I only care about you Jesus.
I don't care if I were to go blind tomorrow, for I only care about you Jesus.
I don't care what other people say about my lifestyle, for I only care about you Jesus.
I don't care how hard it is to change for Your glory, for I only care about you Jesus.
I don't care even if the world is against me, for I only care about you Jesus.

But I do care, if I ever become a hypocrite, being untrue to what has been written, that Your Hand may come upon me and take the life away from my body, for I only care about you Jesus.

Self Resentment

This is a story of an ordinary young man with a big dream.

There was once a boy who lived with his parents. He attended an ordinary school, with an ordinary life. Though he was ordinary, the boy had an extraordinary dream. He dreamed that one day, he will be able to make everyone on this world happy. Such an innocent dream created a long and tiring journey for him.

Everyday in school, he will tell his friends jokes and try to make them laugh. He never threw insults at people and rarely blew his temper. However, his hard work never saw recognition from his friends. Insults were hurled at him, declaring him irritating and nonconstructive. The harsh words hit the little boy hard and he could not deal with the hurting, but he dare not turn to his parents for it will make them worry, something he did not want to do. (He wants everyone to be happy remember?) So the little boy tried to console himself and tried hard to keep this bitterness to himself.

Days went by and the little boy got used to the insults. He did not let them affect him directly, but deep in his heart he felt sad, very very sad. Soon, he grew a habit of not talking to anyone unless they talked to him, something he would called, passive defense. To him, all his friends seemed to be leaving him, in reality, it was him that drew away from his friends.

Now the little boy was left with little friends and longed for a place to belong. He tried to find close friends but could never find one as none of his classmates shared his 'great noble dream'. He realized that he could not fulfill his dream without first being good in everything he was in. Thus he became very critical about himself, every mistake he made he would blame himself harshly, for he was desperate for people's attention, that through that he may brighten their day. He always forgave his friends for hurling insults at him but never forgave himself for scoring low in tests and failing to hand in homework.

The little boy knows that he must be the best to gain people's attention and respect. What he did not know was the bitterness growing in his heart every time he failed.

Years went by and the little grew to become a young man. With the same attitude, the little boy entered secondary school. Now, a teenager, he still kept away from people but still desperately trying to show himself capable in different areas. Constantly failing, he grew a deep resentment toward himself. And as if his spirit was not worthy for his dream, he punished himself secretly in his room.

In the last year of his secondary school education, the little boy met a kind and great man. He showed him how to do things and taught him how to love one another and give thanks for every little things. The little boy loved the teaching and yearned to follow the man.

However, when the man asked about the little boy's emotional needs, he always replied confidently that he was fine. The man soon gave the little boy things to handle, and he did well in it. But the little boy could focus on all the things the man called him to do, he failed. The self resentment from the past returned, but now, the little hated himself even more for failing to do the great man's work, for the man had taught him glorious things and he resented to disappoint the man by failing.

But the little boy did not know, he had no clue what was wrong with him, for the bitterness and pain had been so deep he could not feel it, though his actions spoke it.

The man was wise and saw through the little boy. He saw the growing pains and the potential of the little boy, and he was not going to waste it. On the seventh month the little boy followed the man, the man spoke right into his heart. The little boy still had no clue, for he thought he was fine. Fortunately the little boy was teachable, he knew that whatever the man said to him had a reason, and he began reflecting. Finally it dawned upon him, the 12 years of pain the little boy had kept within himself, the hatred and unforgiveness he had against himself surfaced to the little boy's mind.

He finally knew the problem, and was determined to get rid of it.

The very next day, he visited the man's house and listened closely to his word. Suddenly, the little boy wept. For the man spoke of the love he had for the little boy no matter how he had failed. For the man spoke of the love he had for the little boy just the way he is. For the man spoke of the love he had for the little boy of how the bitterness had been hindering their relationship. The little boy wept.

He cried and called for help from the man. The man was swift came down onto the little boy together with his helper. He shared the little boy's pain and put peace into his heart. For minutes the little boy wept, and for minutes the man stayed by his side. When the little boy had got over the pain, the man looked into the little boy's eyes and smiled.

"I love you." He said.

The little boy smile and reply, "I love you too."

2 days had passed since the encounter with the man and the little boy sat down in front of his computer typing this blog post. In his mind, the mercy and greatness of Jesus will always be engraved in his heart.

Manhood 101

26.06.08
Today's service was mind-blowing. Wow, simply mind-blowing.


John 1:4
In him was life, and that life was the light of men.

Light is the wisdom, the truth that God has shared with us.
Light comes from the LIFE of God.
It is about understanding. Like the illumination of God, in which the world does not understand.

Light was there from the very beginning...

Man was created by God according to 1) His Image (Outward similarity)
2) His Likeness (Inward similarity) --> Like God, we have a spirit

God gave man His Presence (Fellowship)
God gave man His Moral Likeness (Standard of Holiness)

These were what Man was created to do.

Roles of a man in society may be confusing as there are contradicting values from different culture.
BUT, to find out how to be a real man, we must look at the purpose we were create for; God's purpose.
Roles must not be confused with purpose and God is a God of purpose.
To find out God's purpose for man, we must seek God, not man!
The purpose of the thing determines the potential.
Its potential will reveal its purpose.

Purpose <-----> Potential

If our purpose is unknown, we may be abused.
eg. The purpose of a guitar is to play music;
Not knowing that, people may use it as a hammer
Abuse; Abnormal use

God's purpose for Man:
Man was created before Women, because there was a purpose.
Adam was created from the ground. (Eve from a part of Adam's body)
--> Purpose of that was that God had foundational things He wanted Adam to do
Hence Man is the foundation of everything on Earth.
1 Cor 3:11
For no one can lay any foundation other than the one already laid, which is Jesus Christ.

Purpose of Man:

1) Adam was put into a garden.
--->To connect with God's presence
2) Adam was given instructions. Genesis 2:15
--->To communicate and teach
3) Adam was given the garden to tend to.
--->To Cultivate--->Be Productive--->Be a Provider
4) Adam was given the garden to keep.
--->Protector of the garden
5) Adam named all of God's creation. Genesis 2:19-20
--->Taking leadership and ownership

**God wanted Adam to carry this presence and let it spread throughout the world.

But there was the FALL.

And there was DEATH.
There was the loss of LIFE,
and the LIGHT became dim.

But God's purpose of man was not lost, but kept in the tabernacle of Moses ---> Temple of Solomon ---> all the way to... JESUS!

Jesus came and carried this LIFE of God and spread it to whoever that believes.
We received the life of God, thus we can have the light.

Why do want the light for?
1) Claim back the lost territory that the devil had stolen during the fall.
2) Restore back our original purpose; our identity.
3) Deliver the earth from the bondage; creation from corruption. Romans 8:19-21
4) Because the women can't wait for it. :)

Man, this is our purpose, we HAVE the potential to do it.
Adam lost the life and led evil into the world, but he retained a little part of the life and our world became like today, if he had not sin......

W319 - the charcoal that keeps the fire lit

Before I start about this post, let's just do some stuff random. It's the 100th post of this blog! whoo hoo! While this blog had sure developed through the ages. From angsty posts of a little boy, to the short stories of an immature writer, to the hopeful small argumentative essays in which I tried to bring across my points and finally to where I am now: a God-loving Christian trying to record his walk with the Lord. It's been a blog with a pretty long history of development and I am glad it recorded the path I took to reach where I am today.

-------------------------------------

Today had been a great day for me visiting the cell group meeting of W319 at Bukit Gombak together with Mdm Beulah and Ms Serene. It was some great cell group meeting. I love the people there. Most, in fact all but 2, are younger than us but they have the passion for God. Wow, their child-like faith is the real child-like faith. They have the purity of heart to try and dare to do things that some of us older members do not dare to do. I went into the meeting place and I was overwhelmed by their greetings already, two of their members rushed to shake my hands and welcomed me.

During praise they were really singing their hearts out. Frankly speaking, being a student of music, I have to admit the tuning was a little of but that did not matter at all! What mattered were their ability to really sing loudly and give praise in a loud voice. It was like, as Mr. Xin Hong will put it, just 'whack' lah! Wow it was a great time and I really enjoyed their praise seeing so many people, adolescences to be exact, being so devoted and passionate about God. Mind-blowing, indeed.

Then came the testimony sharing, where we had a very bizarre testimony being shared. But, as the cell leader would put it, Alvin's (I hope I got the name right) attitude of thanksgiving was really to be admired. After Alvin, the cell leader, Jing (I hope I got the name right too), shared an inspiring testimony on how she had the chance of going for water baptism at the end of the month, after enduring tonnes of parental objection. Another member, Yan Yan, also shared a testimony on how her belongings were found after losing it. Somehow all these testimonials seem to spoke to me; my attitude toward thanking God (I rarely thank God for the minute things happening in my life and recently I've been throwing small tempers when little things go wrong); my faith in God (I know I had the faith, but many times I still doubted God); my trust in God for my lost belongings (My poor, poor bag...)

During the sermon, God directly spoke to me. The message was really, really awesome. To summarize it, I shall just write about a short story in which the cell leader shared.

Long ago, or maybe not so long ago, there was a tribe in a dark, cold cave. The cave dwellers would huddle together and cry against the chill. Loud and long they wailed. It was all they did. It was all they knew to do. The sounds in the cave were mournful, but the people didn't know it, for they had never known joy. The spirit in the cave was death, but the people didn't know it, for they had never known life.

But then, one day, they heard a different voice. "I have heard your cries," it announced. "I have felt your chill and seen your darkness. I have come to help."

The cave people grew quiet. They had never heard this voice. hope sounded strange to their ears. "How can we know you have come to help?"

"Trust me," he answered. "I have what you need."

The cave people peered through the darkness at the figure of the stranger. He was stacking something, then stooping and stacking more.

"What are you doing?" one cried, nervous.

The stranger didn't answer.

"What are you making?" one shouted even louder.

Still no response.

"Tell us!" demanded a third.

The visitor stood and spoke in the direction of the voices. "I have what you need." With that he turned to the pile at his feet and lit it. Wood ignited, flames erupted, and light filled the cavern.

The cave people turned away in fear. "Put it out!" they cried. "It hurts to see it."

"Light always hurts before it helps," he answered. "Step closer. The pain will soon pass."

"Not I," declared a voice.

"Nor I," agreed a second.

"Only a fool would risk exposing his eyes to such light."

The stranger stood next to the fire. "Would you prefer the darkness? Would you prefer the cold? Don't consult your fears. Take a step of faith"

For a long time no one spoke. The people hovered in groups covering their eyes. The fire builder stood next to the fire. "It's warm here," he invited.

"He's right," one from behind him announced. "It's warmer." The stranger turned a saw a figure slowly stepping toward the fire. "I can open my eyes now," she proclaimed. "I can see."

"Come closer," invited the fire builder.

She did. She stepped into the ring of light.

"It's so warm!" she extended her hands and sighed as her chill began to pass.

"Come, everyone! Feel the warmth," she invited.

"Silence, woman!" cried one of the cave dwellers. "Dare you lead us into your folly? Leave us. Leave us and take your light with you."

She turned to the stranger. "Why won't they come?"

"They choose the chill, for though it's cold, it's what they know. They'd rather be cold than change."

"And live in the dark?"

"And live in the dark."

The now-warm woman stood silent. Looking first at the dark, then at the man.

"Will you leave the fire?" he asked.

She paused, then answered, "I cannot. I cannot bear the cold." Then she spoke again. "But nor can I bear the thought of my people in darkness."

"You don't have to," he responded, reaching into the fire and removing a stick. "Carry this to your people. Tell them the light is here, and the light is warm. Tell them the light is for all who desire it."

And so she took the small flame and stepped into the shadows.

This meeting is definitely something for me to reflect on. From the very beginning, how am I treating the members in my cell groups, esp. the new members? Do I have the 'just whack' faith to reach out my hand and say hi? Do I have the faith to do what I want and not care about what people think about me? Do I really have the peace of God in me? Peace be still and know that I am God. Do I really know? Can I really trust Christ for whom I can do all things through?

Also, do I have enough faith to bring this impartation to my cell group? Do I have enough faith to lead and inspire my members to catch the fire and let it fervently burn in their hearts? Do I have the faith to disapprove ungodly response and actions when I witness them.

Charles, you need to pray.

A holiday to look forward to.

Half a semester had passed and I think it is a good time to take stock now.

Goals I set for this semester:

1. To be elected for council.

It did not come to pass. God called me for something else. Though I was really disappointed and heavily tempted to be bitter about it, I withstood the devil and was delivered from this trial. Sometimes I still get very sad, seeing what my friends in council are doing and how fun it is to be together; so bonded. I guess it's kind of hard on me because of my background. I never grew up in a very encouraging environment. When I was young, people used to mock at me for being fat. And I practically fall victim for everything bad that can happen to someone. I did not have close friends and learned to come to terms with it. However, inside I yearned to have a group in which I can belong in, I searched for an identity. God's grace came upon me and I was saved. Now my identity is an Overtime Christian no matter what the others may say. Still, being greedy, I wanted an identity in school, and sometimes I lacked faith and fell short of God's glory. But not to worry, that only occurs 'sometime'.

2. To be a effective member of my CCA.

The something else God called me for was to be the Chairperson of my CCA. No doubt God appointed me to be in that position. Throughout that 3 months in Piano Ensemble, I really lived a life with God to the fullest. Really had to thank God for teaching me how to be a good and effective member and letting me have the opportunity for promotion. I never held a leadership position before and being promoted to straight to chairperson was really a shock to me. Being accountable and efficient, I faced tremendous pressure from the annual concert that I was preparing for: 2 items, 1 video, program notes and to task to inform the J1s about rehearsals. The going really got tough, but thank God for bringing me through this trial and letting me emerge tired, but victorious. Through this time, God also told me the The going will just get tougher, and I realized how I started to compromise on the other aspect of my life.

3. To score at least a B for all subjects in CTs.

This is a challenge for me and I really hope to be able to breakthrough in this aspect of my life. For this semester, I had did pretty well but definitely not well enough for me to achieve my goal. Definitely more effort needs to be put in.

------------------------------

Today I just preached my first offering message. Great feeling. It was a crazy day.

The holidays are here! The only thing it means is more time for God. Amen.

A post of frustration

Why do I keep seeking affirmation from everyone except You?

I hate myself for doing that.

HATE IT!

WHY CAN I NOT FIND THE FAITH IN YOU?

Just what is wrong with me?

Are You really sure that you've picked the right person?

Life will just get tougher

I was struck by a revelation I got from God a few days ago.

Like I have mentioned in the previous post, I had been compromising on my time spent with God. I realized that I have always been saying, "after my concert", "after this test", "after ...". It was not till recently that God asked me, "Charles, there's a million things coming your way, are you going to put Me after them?" I was caught speechless. Then I realized that I have been so foolish to think that I will have time for God after my commitments.

Do not boast about tomorrow, for there are things to attend to the next day.

God's words really got me thinking. I realized that not only did I compromise my time with God, I compromised on my studies, my relationship with friends, my attitude towards excellence. I started to feel uncomfortable. I am not who I was 2 months ago; brimming with energy, loving God and people, thirsty for His words, hungry for His presence. I am tired, beaten, distracted.

I told God, "God, I need a break. I need to come back to you."

My faith was immediately challenged after my Piano Ensemble concert on Saturday. I reached home around 2330 and was online when Serene asked me if I was going for service at Expo the next morning. I thought myself, "Ah God, I am tired. I shall just go to Jurong West." and I replied Serene that I am going to Jurong West. Obviously God was unhappy with my reply and He spoke through Serene to still ask me to come to Expo. I did not realize the significance of it then, so I grudgingly agreed. I set the alarm to 0730 the next morning, though hoping that it will not ring so I can't really get up on time.

What a terrible attitude I had... I am not even looking forward to going for service anymore.

The alarm did ring but I did not respond to it. I woke up the next morning by a call from Serene at 9. Again, the laziness in me tried to get myself out of going to Expo but Serene persisted that I go down today. I was really getting quite flustered but God spoke to me again.

"I though you wanted to come back to me?"

"But I can go to you at Jurong West." I replied.

"But how are My words going to renew your strength if you keep compromising on our meeting for you sheer convenience?"

I almost cried then. I realized the horrible mistake I made. I had been a hypocrite. Wanting to come back to God but not wanting to make an effort for it.

Many times in our lives, is that not what happens? We want to build relationship, but we want others to make the first move. We want to catch with our studies, but we are not willing to sacrifice play time. We want to be happy, but we keep picking at the little things that do not matter to us.

Let's not boast about tomorrow, do it today.

Amen.

Stabilized

The past week was, again, hectic, and my conscious is screaming at me that I am slipping away from God. Prayer time was comprised, did not read the bible, barely doing quiet time. Though I still had bible study, I just had a feeling things should not be that way.

The crazy preparation for Piano Ensemble's Annual Concert was so intense that I spent the entire week sleeping no earlier than 1am. To add on to my inconvenience, I had class camp just 2 days before the concert. Though the concert was still pretty much a success, the limits of my ability were severely stretched. I did not performed my best at the rope course during class camp, having to give up climbing halfway due to pain in my chest and the lack of breath, leaving my partner, Tze Han, helpless on the beam of the structure. My item was, though well-rehearsed, not to the best that I could have played. The huge pressure that I faced really brought me down; disappointment started to consume me; bitterness started to settle down.

Looking back at it now, I could only ask, "Why did I not seek God then?"

Something was lost during this period; God did not become my priority. I became a hypocrite in my relationship with God.

Frankly, I hate that.

I cannot accept the fact that I suddenly lost my affection for someone so great and so perfect, who had walked with me even when I am most down and needed help. I cannot accept the fact that I started taking God for granted, compromising on His words and ignoring His calls. I cannot accept the fact that I am reverting back to where I came from.

It frightens me, to see that amidst everything that God had put me in, I started to forget about Him and ignore Him, with that I am unable to uphold the level of excellence I was working with just because I had lost my thirst for God. It also comforts me, knowing that when that happens, I shall fall down upon my knees, humbly begging for God's forgiveness and seeking for His grace, for it is then that I know I am back into God's will.

I will never move forward without God, I will always seek Him.

God gave me a revelation on Christians and non-Christians. Non-Christians tend to lead their lives around themselves, with everything circling them, like this

They seem to want everything to go back to them. Recognition from public, testimonials, glory etc.

And according to physics, because the tangential force is always perpendicular to the line of movement, no real work is done.

Furthermore, the amount of things you can cover with that kind of mentality is only πr².





Whereas a Christian do things with the mentality of giving, like this,

From this the area we can cover is unlimited and we have massive amount of work to be done.

Not forgetting that we must always tap unto God for strength and revelation.











With the closure of my epic journey of the past month, I gladly announce that I have stabilized in terms of my CCA commitments. With that, I now shall concentrate in my relationship with God. I shall, will, must see God first.

Amen.

A Hectic Week

I am so darn glad that this week is over. Not because there are terrible things going on, rather everything has gone well and I finally had a chance to rest.

This week really stretched me beyond my limits. I had everything up on my neck. Jazz Concert preparation, Piano Ensemble Audition, Piano Ensemble Video, Piano Ensemble Program Notes, preparing for RI Outreach (though it did not went through successfully). Not forgetting small things that are still pretty time consuming. With these things tumbling down on me, it is inevitable for me to struggle with sleep and lessons. But thank God I never lose my concentration over the week and surprisingly I woke up feeling excellent on Friday even though I lacked sleep for 4 consecutive days.

God really showed me what I am capable of doing this week. Reflecting upon it again, I really did not think that I could come out of this week alive. I am just glad that I did not stress out this week and took everything head-on and finished everything well. Thank God for being with me this week.

Amen.

An 18th year

What? Another year gone?

Guess so.

Its time again for thanksgiving again! (I always love to thank people)

1. My parents! For putting up another year with me. Though not very supportive of what I do but still supporting me.
2. My friends! The fun we had and tears we've shed. Haha so cliche. But that's for being in my life and letting me know that I am not alone.
2a. Mr. Lai Quan Hui! Thanks for coming for my concerts and sharing with me your view on music making!
2b. BB-10!! You guys are the greatest bunch of friends I could ever stick to. Thanks for the pink (-.-) cake that you've got me! And the book... lol... very useful hehehe. Rock on man!
3. N209!! You guys are da best! Feel so glad to be with all of you! Long to come for cell group but then... sigh.. oh well. Keep on rocking please.
3a. Xin Hong! The best Cell Group Leader I ever had! (okay I only had 1, but still you rock! haha) Thanks for being with me to give me the vision and to provide opportunities for me. Giving me BS every wed haha. Being with you is great!
3b. Serene! The best teacher I ever had! Thanks for challenging me and building me up as a Christian. And showing me what is right and wrong and answering all my questions!
3c. Xing Juan! The best MugMate I ever had! haha. Sort of my female counterpart. Thanks for mugging with me. Learnt a lot from you. You are the most easy going person I've known, though you still mug a lot!

4. God! Wow... I have no idea how I am going to thank You. Still, thanks for everything You have provided for me. Enlightened me to Your will, protecting me from the temptations. Taught me how to live like You. Really really really really really really really hope to be able to see You one day. I pray that I will never lose sight of You. Hallelujah.

Then now its time for some birthday resolution.

1. Be a person of excellence - I don't care what others say about me, but I strive for excellence. No compromising, no procrastination. I seek the best.
2. Be a person of compassion - I don't care what happens to me, even if I do not achieve an excellent life, I want to make sure that others do. I shall help people to the best of my abilities. I seek to build.
3. Be a person close to God - What more can I ask for?

All the best to me in my 18th year on earth.
Amen

My walk with Christ

Today is Good Friday. Marks almost half a year on my walk with Christ. In the half of year, I have indeed grown as a person, but there are still much to be improved on with me as a friend, me as a son and me as a leader.

Perhaps I was not born to be good in my academics, great at leading and co-ordinating, or excellent with the communication of my ideas, but I have been working, along with God, to excel in them, as an ability I can use to help and inspire people. Though I still lack discipline.

Maybe I am not born to a family who's supportive of my ambition, cynical at my idealistic images on how I can change the world, pointing out limitations which I could rebut but did not, but I do not think that it is a limitation for me to stop at where I am. Much needs to be done, many people are in need of help.

Why do I want to help people? Even I often asked myself.

Because it is beautiful.

It is beautiful because of the selfless act I am approaching people. It is beautiful because it opens peoples' hearts and feel blessed. It is beautiful because I love to see people succeed in their lives.

From the moment I was born, I always felt that I am never living for myself, always for others. Things that I do are always for my parents, my friends, my teachers. That's why I hate being angry, because being angry is the only thing that I do for myself, and I have to admit it is ugly.

My dad told me to help myself first before helping others.

I do not believe in it. How much do I have to help myself before I can help others? I have seen many people tell me that they will go back to teach primary school kids when they excel in their academics, but after getting an excellent score for End-of-Years exams, they turn to enrichment programs, claiming that it helps them to understand more knowledge and link them to the topics that primary school kids are learning. They end up just being engrossed in their lives. There are too much to live for, and we will never be able to reach a point when we agree that we are successful, because we just want to make sure we have everything before we can give to others.

That is so ugly.

Helping others let me forgo the selfish dreams I have for myself and help others to fulfill their dreams, because that is much easier and more fulfilling to achieve. Will you not feel sad that one day you got to the top of your field but with no one to celebrate with you, or only to be fearful that one day it would be snatch away from you? I call this the chase of an empty shell. Pretty outside, empty inside.

Take the School of Medicine for example. A very strict criteria is used when choosing suitable students to study in it, and that includes a good CIP record. Here is the question: Why is it that though the students of Medicine have great CIP records and come out as selfish and arrogant pricks?

Because they do not internalize the message of CIP. CIP to them is just an empty shell, hence they will get an empty shell in return.

I thank God for giving me hope in my ambition, for He is able. I pray for an early maturity in my heart, to let me really take on responsibility of the subjects I take, competitions I participate in, people I mentor, CCA commitments I have, and that I will be truthful and accountable for everything that I say.

Jesus sacrificed his life for me, that's the least I could do to repay him.
Amen.

Once a friend asked me why do I not defend myself when people throw insults at me, I could have answered because I did not need any, but I just held my tongue.

I think many people regard me as weak and unable to fight back, but I would like them to think otherwise. Not defending myself does not prove that I am weak, it's just a way of passing insignificant events.

So what if I proved to everyone that I am not stupid?
So what if I proved to everyone that I did not finish the test fast because I gave up thinking about the question as I did not know how to do?
So what if I proved to everyone that I am able to play music as well they do?
So what if I proved to everyone that I am able to do critical thinking and write well for my essays?

It does not gain value in me.
It does not give me higher self-esteem.

It only provides me with a moment of pride and much pity from the rest of the people.

I am confident enough to be not affected by your insults, and if I have to do something because your insults lies truth within, I will admit it and work on it.

None of these processes requires me to speak for myself.
And I think I know myself better than anyone of you out there.

Thanksgiving

A few things that happened over the holidays which I must thank God for.

1) Giving me concentration to complete my work efficiently, esp. on ideas to improve my music composition and my revision of physics and math.
2) Enlightening me on what I am not doing enough for Him, like how I disobey Him though I know that he spoke to me.
3) Allowing me to get closer and know one of my friends better through helping each other with work and sparing time to go watch some nonsense movie.
4) Allowing me to execute the putting up of the photo board efficiently and not disappointing those who had helped me in the end as I had trouble communicating my ideas to them.
5) Realizing the mistakes the world had made when dealing with social issues and giving me a vision for me to work towards to.
6) Letting me survive through this week without getting sick, even after being drenched in the rain 3 times and crashing through everyday with minimum sleep and rest.
7) Letting me know Him better.

I love You Lord.
Amen

I Must

In the night when I speak to You,
in my quiet room,
You came down and give me my calling.

On my knees I gently received You,
opened my eyes,
to the vision You lay before my humble soul.

With outstretched arms I reached for You
and I know,
For Your will, I must.

Because You are the God,
You are the One I gladly serve.
You are the God,
You are the One I willingly give myself to.
Take me with You.

I fear of the darkness that lurks in the path
You laid for me;
searching for belonging.

I fear of the pain that will cast upon me as
You trialed me;
searching for security.

But You light up my way and gave my strength,
and I know,
For Your will, I must.

God of righteousness, God of wisdom.
Take me on Your path.

Solutions and Goal-Setting

In view of the many complaints on how small my font had been, I will conveniently increase the size of it. Haha.

Back to the topic.

Yesterday I was sharing about Juvenile Delinquency and how, from my perspective, I see it. Now I will be sharing with you one of my plans to help prevent juvenile delinquency from happening.

Firstly, I would like to stress my belief on how juvenile delinquency should not even occur in our world. The fast development of the society and the sudden increment in the different fames and fortunes we can get caused us to get distracted from our true meaning of what we live for. Why is juvenile delinquency only a problem in our current society? Because the adults are too involved in fighting for their own fame!

I did an experiment and asked some adults (my parents included) on what they think life is for. I will receive a typical and idealistic response, "So we can contribute to the society." This may seem to be a perfect... wait a minute... Society? Why must we work so hard for society when our COMMUNITY is not moving forward!?

We can see that because everybody of the world is so distracted in getting their own lives perfect, juvenile delinquency had become a social issue.

Hence, I propose a solution in which will help reduce the severity of juvenile delinquency, and that is through replacing what is missing from our community for a very long time, mentoring.

The ultimate aim of my ambition, is to build a strong, truthful community of people who can rely on each other and progress together as one.

Since the cause of juvenile delinquency had been identified as the need to gain attention and care, it will be from this perspective that I will like to begin the work from.

Many mentoring programs had been initiated and succeeded, what would make mine different? The difference is my solution will be more widespread than any of the other programs, and that I do not just want to reach out to juvenile delinquents, I want to reach out to youths from all walks of life, because delinquency is just a decision away from many of us. I do not believe that we should be addressing the problem after it had arose, but curbing it right from the start.

How will the mentoring be like? I would like to build my solution on the word: focus. I will start mentoring a small group of youths first, get their lives rolling and excelling in everything they do, then get them equipped with the necessary skills to mentor others. Once these team is built and can be strongly maintained, we will plan and organize seminars and workshops to help those in other educational institutes. From there, we progress to mentoring another small group of youths and slowly the community will start building from then.

Perhaps many of you think that this plan is too ambitious and can never be achieved, but I have to again challenge your motive by asking all of you to have a bit of patience. Mentoring and changing someone's life is not an overnight event, it takes time and effort along the way, but I believe that no matter how long it will take, even if it costs me a lifetime, I will still give in my best to help everyone in the society.

Changing even one person's life will never be one too many.

Juvenile Delinquency

I will be sharing with you what I have thought about Juvenile Delinquency in this post. Breaking up into 3 sections, I will talk about my 1) definition and causes, 2)social stigma, 3)solutions to this social issue.

First, what is Juvenile Delinquency. Many dictionaries or encyclopedia may explain that it is an act of crime performed by a juvenile or perhaps something unlawful that is anti-social and deviates from the norm of society. However, such definitions are too objective and are only application to issues related to law and security. My point of view today is more on the moral values of the juvenile delinquents, on how they feel and how they think, thus such definitions does not meet my aim to express in that perspective. Hence, I came up with a definition which I feel suits best.

Juvenile delinquency is an extreme expression of pride of a young individual.

Please allow me to explain what my definition means.

As youths, we are all proud of ourselves. All of us want to be recognized for the things that we do, the effort that we put in. And living in a harsh but real world, many of us develop unhealthy traits that displays self narcissisms. We start to be so concerned about ourselves that other people just do not appear as much important to us anymore. The only function that the people around have, is to pay attention to us.

Attention is what youths seek after, for it is a display of acceptance (more reference in a post in May 2006) in the society. And still as adolescence we do need people to pay attention to us, to care and love us. Unfortunately for some of us, this expectation of the world had fallen short, but the craving for the love and attention never ended. Soon, the lack of positive attention turns craving into lust. Teenagers feel neglected and disoriented from the impression they get from the world that they are ignored, thus they turn to undesirable methods into earning the attention of the society.

Gaining attention from the society reliefs them by assuring them that they still belong as a part of this community, for it is inevitable for youths to still rely on the generation before them, for guidance, for love, and most importantly for security. Hence, to protect their pride as a member of the community, juveniles had turned to delinquent acts to gain a sense of security through gaining attention.

But all of us know that acts of delinquency are not accepted in the society, but, sadly, the desperation for a sense of belonging forces some teenagers to turn away from the norm.

Interestingly, though some of the delinquents had been arrested, why do they not turn over a new leaf? Isn't their lust for attention fulfilled?

It will also be then that they realize that it was not attention that they wanted, it was respect.

After being convicted, or simply exposed of the delinquent act, the juvenile will definitely be stereotyped by the community as a bad influence and example to the younger generation. Such objectivity in the judging leads to a total misunderstanding of what exactly are juvenile delinquents.

THE COMMUNITY IS MISSING THE POINT!

The point is not that this child had committed and outrageous act, instead it is the reason behind committing such acts.

"We give them a chance to explain, but they don't say anything, what can we do?" exclaims a certain principle of a certain school when asked on dealing with delinquent students.

How do you expect a 13-19 year old child to express the emptiness in his own heart which is so complex that even adults have difficulties sharing?

People feel that delinquents refuses to explain his actions because he is rebellious and 'hopeless', but adults must take the first step into understanding the child instead of immediately confronting him. An answer such as, "Because all of you do not care for me." will only lead to explanation by the adults on how he misunderstood them as they do 'care' very much. Once again, they missed the point.

Thus, a hasty generalization of juvenile delinquents and the failure to admit mistake on the adults' part led to the start of a nasty stereotype of them.

The effects of such stereotype will be the refusal to help the delinquents to change, causing the delinquents to have low-self esteem and the most important effect, is that the delinquent is not gaining respect causing him to have think that the act that he committed was not serious enough for the community to realize and fulfill his needs of garnering attention, leading him to commit repeated acts of delinquency and deepening this stereotype.

Due to the lack of time, I apologize for confining my thoughts to only the context of Singapore and the inability to give concrete example to prove my point, but I tried my best to generalize my points so as to apply to everyone related to the topic.

In the next post, I will be sharing my idea on the solution to solve juvenile delinquency.