As I sit here at 6 am, trying to burp Sam... A thought occurred to me. I have been feeling so much guilt since becoming a mom that it is ridiculous! The thing I feel most guilty about is the fact that by the second week home I entirely gave up on the whole breast feeding experience. I didn't like it....Sam didn't like it... And put that together with midnight feedings where all either one of us really did was cry (not very productive) and it was miserable! So I decided that I would exclusively just pump and get him the breast milk via bottle...sans boob. He is still getting the breast milk and everything it contains. It's just that now Adam or my mom or whoever can feed him. But then a new situation arose. I found that with all my pumping I was running out of boob milk by about the second feeding of the night. And since I didn't want to physically breastfeed I started giving him a bottle or two only during the night of formula. And he likes it!! And it actually makes him sleep in longer intervals. Ok so you are probably like ..." Soooo the guilt is about....?". Ok well here is what I'm guilty about.... That even though he is getting the breast milk, sometimes fresh off the farm, just via bottle, for about 19 hours of the day, I feel guilt cause I'm not " breastfeeding". I read all this stuff online and when see the word "breast-feeding" I feel guilty cause it automatically conjures up images of babies attached to moms. Moms and babies getting that bonding experience. And since I apparently couldn't suffer through the horrible pain that is latching on, then I feel like I've given up. That all my hopes of being supermom have vanished. Even tho the pediatrician said that the route I'm going is probably harder, I still feel like a failure cause I don't throw him on the boob when he is hungry.
I feel I have to defend myself around people when I talk to them about it. Not that anyone has given me a dirty look cause I give Sam about 2 bottles of formula a night, or muttered anything about me being a crappy mom cause I don't bond with my baby by having him actually "breastfeed". It still doesn't matter. I still feel guilt about it. No wonder breastfeeding is such a hot topic on the "mom" circuit on the Internet. I don't know who reads this but it sure would be interesting to get other mothers point of views on the topic.
There are a lot of other things I find I feel guilty about too. I didn't change his diaper quick enough and his bummy got red. I had to let him cry a lot cause it took me a while to warm up a bottle. I have him sleeping in a swing at night cause he will actually sleep. And when he isn't in the swing sometimes I have him sleep in bed with us because he will sleep an extra hour or so. Etc..etc..etc. I really enjoy being a mom, I just didn't realize how much guilt was associated with it. And I haven't even started to really screw him up yet cause he has no cognitive skills yet.
Oh boy.... can't wait!
