epic fails and no motivation

so of my rewrite I have written about 900 words. I have absolutely no fucking clue where to start. and what I have written I don't actually like because it feels awkward. I keep rereading what super editor wrote but I can't or don't know how to start. it feels like I have no motivation. before during my second write, I finished in about 2 months. the inspiration was jamming and the characters basically took over, especially Sidney. in fact, that's part of the problem. he took over the damn story. his part of it became way more intriguing or the potential for being intriguing than the first part. now I always kind felt that way because I totally wanted to get to the vampire stuff but I had to lay the scene. so the editor said start closer to the vampire stuff and trickle the back story in. easier said than done. it feels like I can't just put this character out there without any context. I know that's how you do it but it is so stinking hard. and I am having a crap time trying to formulate a revised outline. my outline seems just to be a bunch of sentences. then I get distracted and have snippets of dialog pop into my head and then I end up writing those down instead. I currently have a typed page of just random dialog that came to me. the lines remotely relate to scenes but I'm hoping that maybe those will turn into road signs that will direct me to where I need to fill in. especially since I have chopped out about 9k words and have only replaced them with 900.
oh, now let me qualify...I am only having major difficulty with the first part of the manuscript. the fleshing out of the characters and revealing intent isn't a prob. I knew that needed to be done before super editor told me that. just like I knew Sidney had stolen the book.

more about this guy...well not this guy but who I picture my mc as

so today more good news. my super editor and I agreed that what my book is really about is a coming of age story for a vampire. now I need to change the pov to his which means a rewrite of the first half plus add to holes in the plot that were there.
this is good and bad. it's good because I think it would allow more of Sidney to shine and he is a complex and awesome character.
the bad is the obvious. more work. :( maybe tomorrow I will feel better.

ohhhhhhhhh I SUCK

I heard back on my full and I suck. it was judged that my ms was not strong enough or unique enough for today's competitive market. sigh. so now I am going to have to come up with some sort of gimmick or whammy to throw in. frankly I felt that my story was unique. it is at least to british readers. damn. hmmm.
I finally got my medication. I still plan on switching doctors. this experience has just sealed the deal. the medication experience.not the manuscript experience.

THANKS!

the AWESOMETASTIC cipherqueen has honored me by nominating me for this!!

Here's the rules.
1. Thank the person who nominated you for this award.
2. Copy the logo and place it on your blog.
3. Link to the person who nominated you for this award.
4. Name 7 things about yourself that people might not know.
5. Nominate other Bloggers.
6. Post links to the blogs you nominate.
7. Leave a comment on each of the blogs letting them know they have been nominated.

again, thank you so much cipherqueen!!you are an amazing friend on QT and your love of numbers is magical. she is a renaissance woman! AND she plays the violin! you should visit her blog and check out her writing.you too will be blown away! cipherqueen.blogspot.com

telling people things about me that aren't already widely known is HARD!!!
1 I wish I could move to London
2 I have a stupid sense of humor
3 technology scares me
4 i facebook like an 18 yo
5 nerds get me hot
6 I wish I could do physics
7 I have internal flip outs frequently

and the nominees are
potent potables lizzy mason
Hairdye&samurai cole gibsen
shooting stars suzette saxton

HFS my bookbag is heavy!

ok so I got 3 of my books and my bookbag weighs about 20 pounds. no lie. and I hauled my ass half a mile across campus in the 90 degree 90% humidity to my class. this is no easy friggin trick at age 40. right now I am in my theatre history class which is quickly turning into a free for all stand up comedian thing.which is AWESOME but the professor who usually teaches this would SHIT because he is this brilliant german scholar. anyway the class is shaping up to be great. the kids in it should make it a blast

cheating on my doctor

well, I have decided to have an affair on my longtime doctor who I have been with for over 13 years. I have been driven to it by the crappiness of the office staff and the feeling of being less valued as a patient. this is a big bag of bullshit because I have been his patient so long that it is crazy and I am a private patient as well as an employee. nothing seems to count for anything these days. you are with someone for years through good and bad and look what happens. this person knows me inside and out.literally. 4 pregnacies of which only one produced a viable baby. countless laps, hormones( holy shit hormones), birth control hell, and a hysterectomy.I didn't get my bladder hauled up from my knees but oh well.
will this daliance be the end or will I go back?who knows but I am definitely seeking attention elsewhere. maybe there they will treat me like the awesome high maintenance patient that I am. actually I am not high maintenance now because all my problems are solved. the next doctor is getting a gem!lucky ducky!

yay serotonin!!

I have a tshirt from the awesome cloth moth clothing with that written on it. I have just about worn it out.the neck is worn out. I just love the whole idea of it. actually I love serotonin. today I needed a huge dose of it because my effexor just wasn't keeping it flowing in my brain. damn chemicals!
today I took my daughter to meet her teacher and I felt like I was going to the last choice sorority on bid day. that sounds ridiculous but I think I was more disappointed than she was. I knew the other mothers were with their happy kids who got their first choice for teacher. however my child didn't make it to the pref of her choice and get a bid from the house of her choice. she is too young to understand and see that but I do. maybe I am putting too much into social relationships or whatever but I still do not understand how classes were chosen and how some kids got their choices and mine didn't. now she is stuck in a class with kids she doesn't know that well and all of her friends are in another class. it's like the 2000 election all over again. I wanted al gore and got stuck with that other guy.

overwriting leads to overreaction

well, true to my over reacting nature my ability to I am questioning my ability to write. I made the mistake of reading some more critiques and immediately wanted to shred my manuscript and start over. this apparently not sane thinking. super editor told me as much. after taking a step back, I agree. I have got to stop flipping out and listening to only those who matter and not every other person who thinks that their opinion is golden. the old saying opinions are like ass holes is oh so true. some just like showing their's more than others.

me and my bubble

I wish sometimes that I lived in a bubble and was immune from criticism and downright meaness.
this is all in relation to my novel. or at least on one site where I have 250 words posted. deep cleansing breath in...blow it out... and refocus. this does not apply to authonomy where I get lots of awesome feedback and critiques. I'm not saying that I want everything sugar coated. I simply want honest and constructive criticism. there is a difference. I realize writing is a big business and not everyone is nice. I am fully prepared for their opinions and feedback. I am no stranger to it. I am a costumer. criticism and rejection is like mother's milk.
on a lighter note, maddy and I baked a peach pie. it was awesome. the baking part. I didn't eat any of the pie. we baked it for my mom. she said it was delish though.

how can this be so sexy?I"M DYIN!!!

OH MA GAWD! I was surfing the fangirl sites browsing for whatever when I came across this. I actually meowed when I saw this and took it all in.literally. almost had to take a break. so many filthy, yummy thoughts ran through my mind. I will never look at a field fence pole the same way. I thought, I'm just about that height. I wish it was me. sigh.

UF bat house collapses, thousands left homeless

UF bat house collapses, thousands left homeless

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but I don't want Tim Tebow to see me naked

yesterday I took my friend /daughter back to school because she didn't have a ride back. I felt so bad for her because she is so sweet and funny. ooohhhhh and SHY! anywho, she is back in her dorm and ready to begin another fun filled year in the theatre department.
when I talk to my YOUNG class mates I sometimes realize the huge age difference between us. I really could be their mom. fortunately for me I seem to be crazy enough and silly enough to be able to blend in with them. but sometimes I wonder how it looks to outside observers. does it look like someone's mom is hanging around her daughter and her friends? is that creepy? I don't want to be alone at school but I don't want to be creepy. sigh.
about the title to this entry... I actually said that. out loud. at work. like that would ever happen. once again I was defending my hero's statement that he is indeed a virgin and my friend Suzannah implied (jokingly) that I was some sort of cougar. nooo. I simply believe what Timmy said. I am going to get a shirt printed that says I believe you, Timmy!

the right to arm bears and write vampire fiction

I find that I am up against a community of writers( not all but some) who insist that the vampire genre is dead. no humor meant there. I find that opinion difficult to buy especially when they back up their argument with an article written in EW. let's face it, that's not exactly a beacon of knowledge and erudition. no offense but it is what it is. just like my novel will never be confused or taken as literature. it is what it is, entertainment. the author may be but it is just his opinion.
authors have been telling vampire tales for hundreds of years and will continue to do so for hundreds more. I'm not saying this because I am writing a vampire novel. I am saying it because it is true. the stories might not be as in your face as they currently are but they will continue. people love them and these readers are loyal to them. it is necessary that the stories move past what is out there now though. I think my novel does that. I think at the end of the day my novel is a love story and a story of personal growth with some vampires and hot sex thrown in.just like in real life. the obstacles and situations are different but when you strip it down, there you go. a man wants a companion to love who is not crazy or in love with someone else. yes he is wealthy but money doesn't buy happiness. also, family relationships complicate everyday life. it might not be a family like humans know but to a vampire in my character's world, their line and Primigenio or father is their family. you might not like them but you depend on them and need them. finally, sometimes life hands you other undertakings like governing. not exactly running for office but more like the founding of a nation.
my mc is flawed. he is pompous, used to always getting what he wants, enormously powerful, unused to change and uncomfortable showing human emotion because he sees it as a weakness. he doesn't deny that he experiences these feelings. he just doesn't want to let others know it and that is one of the things he has to get past in order to be happy. what a tough journey, even for a human. does he mope and waller in angst? no. does he regret that he is a vampire? HELL NO. he loves it. has he done questionable things in his past? you betcha and would probably do them again if the need arose but he does seem to have some sense of right and wrong.
well, I guess I'm done with my rant. I hate having to defend my genre and work but I'll defend it to the mat just like I would my daughter. what mama bear wouldn't?

A 1945 Code of Ethics for Theatre Workers Surfaces

A 1945 Code of Ethics for Theatre Workers Surfaces

now that you've had time for it to seep in

so the other night I posted pics of what I imagine some of my female characters look like. I think I am pretty spot on. I have already said who I imagined as Sidney while I was writing. oddly enough, I must have been super in tune with him because way back when I started writing and named my main character, I had no way of knowing that one of my inspiration's middle names IS Sidney. freaky, no?I wish I could figure out a way to do a mock up book cover for it Prim. I have it posted on Authonomy right now and have gotten some fantastic feedback for it so I know I am on the right track.
I have also read some incredible books on the site. even if you aren't a writer you should check out this site because there are tons of gems there. I wish they all could be published in some form because they need to be read!!

How I see my characters in Primigenio--Marta, Colette and Lauryl respectively

mc lovin and julia child

today I saw julie & julia and I highly recommend it!I loved it. I didn't know julia child was so much fun. I promptly came home and ordered a copy of mastering the art of french cooking. I love to cook and find it very satisfying. I wish I could eat what I cook though. I, like julia, love to eat.I don't love junk food. I love food food.
this movie even though it had literary tie ins too my mind off of my own ms problems. that in itself made the movie number one in my book. in the back of my mind I am obsessing. blargh!!!
oh hey today I got my grade for summer b. A in arh 2050. woot! sad thing was that it didn't boost my lagging gpa up very much. that was a f-ing gip.

the evil that is benadryl

last night I had to take 25 of benadryl for my restless legs and today I am a zombie. and not the cool kind. the kind that goes to Publix and forgets her atm card. at least being in my zombie state prevents me from obsessing about the status of my manuscript with the agent. today I am focusing on getting my entries ready for several RWA contests. that seems to keep my mind off of it believe it or not. I am actually quite excited about entering these contests because it lets me get my work out there and my score sheets will give me even more feedback.

and now just befrickincause...

mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

orale! me and my crazy lusty thoughts

without the aid of coronitas, I have been feeling the lust for los latinos. dunno why, but it's true. I think I am already settling into my crazy old lady status and my hormones are flying international colors. I say this because I'm sitting here watching George Lopez and thinking he's looking kinda snappy.
anywhooooo... no word yet from the agent with my full and I have just about carved another ulcer in to my stomach lining. yeah, it's nice. but I remain optimistic despite getting two more no thank yous.
sigh...

it so DOES look like him...I loved Mc Lovin!!!!

ok so I said that I wasn't going to talk about mr. mystery numero uno any more but I can't help but think that he when he first came to Armwood, he looked like McLovin BIGTIME. he didn't act like him. well,maybe he did a bit but I still dug him. maybe that is why when I first saw Superbad I thought McLovin was so funny. at the time I didn't make the connection but now it is oh so clear.

urbandictionary.com and I

never surf urbandictionary.com while you are in class. it doesn't end well. I discovered this today in my class. I was busy trying not to laugh at all of the UD definitions of dick cheney instead of paying attention to the lecture dealing with Hildegard von Bingen.that sucked because I totally dig her music and have it loaded in my iPod. however the cheneyisms were sweet.
also while surfing, I discovered many pimpisms for when I win the lottery and start my alter ego life of runnin hos. I shall be known as pimpmama. I can even have it printed on a mug, which clearly makes it legit. it would be even more so if I could have it on a t shirt. but hey, if I'm runnin hos I ought to be able to afford a tshirt. it shouldn't be too hard to find a t shirt place to do it. man, pimpin already aint easy.

crack open a cold one (purple AMP,that is)

I love being on campus when the bells of Century Tower ring. it gives me a very Londony feeling which is precisely what I need these days. I feel like I am in a state of super limbo. like I am last on the take off list due to some other airline's unknown issue. all of that is on me I know. I can't make the days go by faster so fall term will start. I can't make super editor work harder and faster and I wouldn't dream of asking it. I can't make the agents respond to my work faster, either. again, I wouldn't dream of asking. I just need to own my own impatience and take a step forward. that's where the purple AMP comes in. that is like mother's milk to me. you would think it would turn me in to Cornholio but it doesn't. it just makes me happy.

my day job

sometimes I wonder about my day job. it's a good job but some crazy messed up crap always seems to happen at least once a month that makes me question why I do it. I'll never forget when I had my portfolio review for readmission to UF and they asked me why I wanted to come back to the theatre when I had this entire career as a nurse. the next weekend one of the most traumatic emergencies happened and I thought , I want to go back to theatre because NO ONE STINKING DIES IN THE THEATRE LIKE IN A HOSPITAL. the stress is way more intense as a nurse. and the jokes are not as good. well maybe they are.

I need jokes and I need them NOW

today I made the mistake of watching one of my all time favorite movies, The Ghost and Mrs Muir. this is a old romance with Gene Tierney and Rex Harrison. I just love it but it wreaks havoc on my mind. this seems to happen to me when Maddy is gone or I am stressing.(see the posts about my one true love) oh and to make matters worse, the movie Same Time Next Year was on yesterday. that just about killed me because that movie has serious memory jogging ability and just tears me up. BLARGH! I knew I shouldn't have let them call me off today.
instead, now I will go and search the site www.urbandictionary.com and laugh myself silly. I wonder who comes up with those. pretty freakin funny. yes, it's not proper English but it puts a messed up smile on my face. it also prevents me from falling down a pit of no romance sadness, which I can easily do. in 1999, after a break up, I watched The English Patient like 20 times. not at once but in a week. the fact that Ralph Fiennes was in it was part of it but it was another of those romantic trigger movies. I am going to hide all of my dvds, change my iPod settings and block my tv from allowing any kind of romance from me until my shields are back up and fully operational. ohhh a star wars reference!!!