I knew you

I don't want to write into the ether but this has to go somewhere.

I feel incredibly shocked. At a loss for words. It's almost impossible to accept. I'm still trying to accept it right now. I want to know that I will still see you on Sunday. I want to you that you'll still be around. But it's not even a lost relationship. I'm sorry you aren't around any more.

Nothing in life prepared me for this. And calling it a loss just cheapens the emotions behind the pain. I cannot even begin to imagine what she must be feeling right now. You died way too young. And only God knows. Only God can choose. And I honestly find it so difficult to reconcile and believe that God chose for you to die at this time. Just one year after you got married. It's incredibly unfair and heartbreaking at the same time and it feels like the only way to deal with it is to really cry.

Even though I hardly knew you, you were always warm and sincere and genuine. You knew how to brighten a room or make someone smile. You were generous with your kindness and love. And I really cannot imagine what she must be feeling right now. I want to lament that you are gone but the disbelief is a struggle to overcome. I don't even know how to react or rationalise how I'm supposed to feel. I can't view it with the cold heart and passionless eyes of a lawyer because these feelings are too raw to comprehend. I don't know. I really don't.

And it sucks really. That it takes a loss to make me realise how much you take for granted the people around you. It shouldn't have to. IF this hurts I can't even begin to imagine how a death of someone closer will make me feel. I really just pray that you are truly and honest-to-God in heaven right now. I cannot believe in any other conception of the afterlife. I don't know what God's plan is in all this and I can only hope and pray that you are free from the chains of 'life' and are living on in eternal life where you truly belong.

It's so damn easy to take things for granted and be single-mindedly focused on your own life. But something like this really reminds you how easy it is to lose it all. And how much people truly matter in your life.

All these stupid problems and simple joys are pitiful in the light of your death. How do people move on with such a wide gaping hole in their hearts? I don't think they ever do.

What is all this worth?

Whatever I'm doing certainly cannot compare to being incarcerated in jail, that's for sure. I know I should put in my best effort and find a way to reduce her sentence. But what is it all worth in the end? What am I fighting for?

Is she really going to repent and turn over a new leaf? Why do I feel that the prosecution cannot make out a charge of S394 so adamantly that I feel like I have to do all this research and try to make a case? What's the point if she's going to return to drugs and crime at the end of her sentence?

I'm not sure what I'm supposed to feel right now. Is this righteousness? Is this justice? What end or purpose is all this for? Should I feel indignant that the others can't even be bothered to try to reduce a charge? Yes we've been assigned as counsel. But is it really worth fighting for? I know it's not supposed to be something for my own personal benefit. But what is it for? Am I really doing her good if she gets a few years off jail? Am I doing society any good?

What am I doing?

Disinterest

Looking for someone to go to SMUN 2013 with is an exercise in futility. You'd think Law students would be a bit more enthusiastic about something like that but no! It makes me wonder why some people come to Law school for and it's starting to feel like it's merely for pecuniary reasons. It feels like nobody cares about learning; things only matter if it helps my grades and gets me a 2.1, if not, I'm not going to bother with all these other rubbish.

It's this kind of attitude that people have that makes me feel so bloody jaded about the education system and society in general in Singapore. It just goes to show how self-serving and culturally-deficient this society is; how disinterested people are in current affairs and world news because they only care about themselves. It feels like the study of law has devolved into a mean to a wealthy end.

I get that people have to make ends meet, that people want to make lots of money, live in big houses and drive big cars. But if that's all people are ever going to aspire to, I find that a society like that will implode on itself in the end.

This paucity of global awareness is awfully frightening. People in Law school don't really give a shit about current affairs and will only read something if it benefits them directly. It's what makes some of these people so lifeless and pathetic. Can people just transcend this mentality of getting good grades and making money already? You'd think that 20 years in this education system, having gone through GP, has resulted in some maturity and independence of thought but no... Some people just want to be equipped with a Law degree so they can get a well-paying job. It's pathetically superficial.

Another concern was appearing geeky/nerdy. It's like SMUN is uncool but getting drunk at clubs, picking up women and getting laid, or getting rough and dirty in a rugby scrum is "cooler". I don't understand this mentality. I need to find someone who appreciates arts and culture and has some sense of global awareness.

Yes, all those things are fun and exciting but so utterly shallow and puerile.

And seriously, all you reply with is a terse no. It implies such a deep disinterest in the activity itself or even in what I do that I wonder how the hell we became friends in the first damn place. And it's not even the lack of interest that gets to me. It feels like I can't trust you any more. And that distrust is the cancer of any relationship, growing to become a malignant tumour that results in severing the limb.

I knew this clique shit was doomed. It started off well. It started off because we gave each other a chance. And now it feels like you've condemned my trust. Or perhaps, never gained your trust to begin with. I feel like being a part of this only highlights how apart we all are. I feel like a mere utility, serving some purpose for your own selfish end.

I don't think we'll survive this.

Back Again

What am I supposed to expect? Cheers and fanfare and fireworks? Naw. I'm doing this for my own sanity and humanity. But my, how things have changed.

I guess I decided to go back to Blogger in the end because the LJ was annoying with the amount of ads it was shoving in my face. And partly because of how enduring this site is. I mean, after all these years, all my posts are still around! It's like a part of me that's always there for me to return to.

I realize how much I need to blog and just pause and think once in a while. Ever since school started, or perhaps ever since I left JC, life has just been an endless whirlwind of I don't even remember what. It's like running a race with no direction and without pausing for a breath or to take stock of what has actually gone by, or where I am. I'm sick of feeling lost in time, displaced from any sense of direction and purpose. Displaced from history. I guess I got a little scared when I couldn't even remember what I did last summer break. Things just go by way too fast and even stopping to take a break is a ill-afforded luxury.

I still remember blogging even while I was in Cambridge. Aggie was next to me then, watching me type. How things have changed. How we've moved on in life. I guess that's the best part about this pace - you move on so quickly you don't even have time to dwell on the past or your mistakes. And maybe that's the scary part: you don't get the opportunity to learn from those mistakes, learn from the past. And all I'm becoming is just a robot, processing cases and figuring out how to answer hypos. It's ridiculous! It's like I'm drowning in a sea of equity and trying to make sense of an infinite number of cases that really can't be made sense of (au contraire sayeth the academics).

Ok so where am I now?

Internships: I just got the rejection letter from AGC although I did get Drew and Patrick Tan a couple of weeks ago. Can't say I'm not disappointed (too many double negatives!) but I shall ultimately rely on God's plan in faith. He gave me the assurance that he would take care of me and what reason do I have to doubt? All things work out for the good of those who love Him.

Exams: Freaking the shit out over Equity and Publc Law. Worst sem ever. I have 3 more days to study HALF the syllabus. Seriously ridiculous. Studied so much today I couldn't even understand what people were telling me at the end of the day. I was just nodding away and asking people to repeat themselves cos my brain just switched off when I heard constructive trust.

And ANOTHER rejection but whatever! What doesn't kill you makes you stronger! Moving on faster than the speed of light!

UGH. Ok I can't think of much to write right now. But yes, I'm going to start blogging again. PROMISE.