Take Me Away

I've kinda fallen from the zenith of my JC person when I was far more organized to the mess that is my life right now. Come to think of it, my life was quite the mess back then too but it was a whole different mess.

The crux of the problem is definitely laziness. I need to organize my stuff, clear out the rubbish and all the stuff I don't need. There's no filing system whatsoever for all the "general stuff" in my life. There's no more Geog or English or Math file any more and somehow, the virtue of filing and organizing things hasn't transplanted into the other areas of my life. Things like invoices, warranties, receipts, manuals.

I need to sort out my clothes too. Too much unwanted stuff that just keeps accumulating and accumulating. I'm just lazy. Jaded. Apathetic. I have a serious lack of passion and nothing ever seizes my interest for an extended period. I'm hoping Law (and maybe debates) will be that but I think there's a fundamental concern which I have to address first and that is my fear of passion.

I NEED passion. It's not as if I don't try to find something to do that will keep me interested and passionate about. I do like to play games, occasionally cook, go out and stuff. But my life lacks the kind of zest that would make everyday worth living to the fullest. I'm always buying new games, new books, new music and it only goes so far.

Maybe that's why I find such fulfillment in doing work. It takes my mind off unpleasant things. It gives me focus, meaning, motivation. But then there comes a point where I just find myself completely burned out, or place too much meaning on something or someone and it just throws my whole life into disarray.

And that just makes me afraid to be passionate about anything. I'm afraid to fail, to be disappointed, of inadequacy. I want to do something right hundred percent of the time and be proud of my niche. But that's unrealistic because failure is an inalienable part of life. You can't expect every single endeavour to be a success because we're human, we're prone to err, we're fallible. But somehow, it just feels that I need that to make me feel like I've accomplished something; something that I can be proud of.

That's not to say I'm not proud of myself. I recognize that I'm unique in the way I am and you'll be hard pressed to find someone else who thinks like me and behaves like me. This self-aware, conscious individual. I'm proud of what I've been born with. But I'm not exactly proud of what I've done with it and the way I've been living my life. I need that something and I've just been hopping from one pursuit to another that ultimately, everything seems so meaningless if my passion in that area is not solid.

I've seen what passion can do to people. How it can make their life utterly miserable and ruin everything, reducing them to husks of their former self. I've been on that end for a long time now. But on the flip side, it's not much better seeing how I'm just drifting day to day without much thought or meaning. Basically just bumming around. Not that that is necessarily a bad thing seeing how I expect my next few years to be extremely pressurizing and stressful. But feeling so bored, lethargic, lifeless. It's not how I want to be either.

And being passionate about people is just courting disaster. I've been disappointed so many times over I don't even want to think about it. Way too unpredictable. But strangely, it seems like that's the easiest thing to be passionate about. But I sure know that passion only lasts for so long. Still, I'd take some than have none. Assuming I can even get some.

But I'm reminded to trust in God. I know God does the impossible and I know God will make a way. My only question is when. Somehow, I know everything's going to be the way God planned. Somehow, I know that God will always come true. I may not see it now and I may feel this way but God has a purpose. It's just crazy what God has done for me and it's only afterwards that I do realize.

So right now, I'm just trying to make my life more productive. I'm consuming too much and not producing at all. And it's not as if I'm consuming all the right things either. I have to give more. I have to do more. But I'm feeling so lazy right now that all I want to do is just sleep. Sleep until the moment where I know what my life's direction is and just wake up instead of just aimlessly trudging around figuring out what to do next.

Agenda: Learn driving. Clear out the junk in my room. That's it for now.

I don't know when I'm ever going to reopen this blog again. I realised I closed it because it just didn't matter, on the surface, whether it was open or not. A million and one people could have read it but no one said a thing about what they read and I'm just wondering what's the use if no one wants to talk about the things I feel or think about. Am I right? Am I wrong? That's the whole point. I don't know. But it's not as if people are going to help enlighten me on that.

This isn't a blog to entertain. It's a personal blog that reveals my deepest emotions (which I try to obfuscate) and thoughts. It's by no means the kind of thing you make small talk about and that's the way it's meant to be. It's just that there is no other. No one talks about it. So I'll say this again. I'm tired of wearing my heart on my sleeve and letting people have insight into my life and person while nobody cares to talk about any of that sort of thing.

Hopefully if you're reading this, you do care.

Omega

Talking to myself in direct form feels really weird so I'll just say this, sans all the trappings, that you can get over anything and adapt to anything. So don't be sad when you lose something or don't be too happy when you gain something because they don't last forever. Not even this blog.

All I Need Is Perspective

Sunday's sermon wasn't exactly enlightening or mind-bending. It didn't reveal any shocking revelations for me but what it did was to really reinforce a principle I generally find lacking in my, and everyone else's really, life - perspective.

While the guest speaker generally focused on us trying to see things from God's perspective, I think it is imperative that we try to see things from the perspectives of others too. A lot of times, we're just so insistent on our own way, our own thinking, perspective, mindset; effectively closing our mind to anything else. It's easy to judge, jump to conclusions, assume, run with our emotions and gut feeling. It's so much easier than to listen and try to understand and accept with love where someone else is coming from.

A lot of times we take things out of perspective; out of the context that things were said, actions were done, reactions caused. And many other times, we're just not seeing things from the perspective of others. We criminalize terrorists, damning them without bothering to understand their perspectives; we judge people based on what we hear, not understanding their motives and motivations behind their actions; we act based on the little on what we know, because sometimes it's just so difficult to understand someone else - it takes too much time, deviates from what we want to believe, or just can't be bothered.

So before I embark on a course of action, I remind myself to think of things from the perspectives of others. To try and understand where they come from before I make my own judgement or conclusion. Otherwise, I should just give others the benefit of the doubt. And I need to put myself in the perspective of others too.

Meaning

I realize that I'm quite an aberration from the norm. Wait, how do I put this without sounding stupid.

I recognize that I am different. But I recognize that there are also common traits and perspectives that people share. But I am different in the way I think, different in the way I perceive, different in the way I express myself. And when it gets interpret by someone sitting opposite me, it can be construed in a negative light when no such intention was contrived in the first place. And so, that brings me to believe that I am wholly unique to the extent of conflicting against the running thread of the world philosophy.

People don't always see eye to eye. So much so that when concurrence arises, it should be a cause for celebration. But I just seem to be someone really difficult to understand in that I package my ideas in a different way that people may not like.

And I'm sorry but it seems like something that is impossible to change or just too difficult to. Let's just say I'm waiting for someone who can.

***

It's really strange to be so involved in something new and with so many things changing, it, firstly, reminds me that the future is never readable. There is absolutely no knowing what is around the corner. And secondly, I just really need something stable and consistent in my life. Which is why I really appreciate my office life, my family, my room. All these things are familiar. And I want to choose when to change things up. I want to move my life at my own pace. I guess what I want is power and control. Over my own life that is.

Testify To Love

All the colors of the rainbow
All of voices of the wind
Every dream that reaches out
That reaches out to find where love begins
Every word of every story
Every star in every sky
Every corner of creation lives to testify

For as long as I shall live
I will testify to love
I'll be a witness in the silences when words are not enough
With every breath I take I will give thanks to God above
For as long as I shall live
I will testify to love

From the mountains to the valleys
From the rivers to the sea
Every hand that reaches out
Every hand that reaches out to offer peace
Every simple act of mercy
Every step to kingdom come
All the Hope in every heart will,speak what love has done

***

Just realized this font is Georgia.

***

Mmm, I've blogging a lot less. There's really nothing much to say knowing that I'm only talking to myself and no one else will be reading this. But I think I need this privacy. I'm so sick of opening my heart and showing others my emotions, being vulnerable and all that shit.

Suddenly, I feel that I should choose who deserves to know what I'm really feeling. Watch me fade away and become invisible. I'll only be there if you want me to be there. Otherwise, you're not going to catch me with my heart unguarded.

***

I think it's pretty amazing seeing the improvements in my stamina in the past few consecutive days that I've been going running. I manage to go further and further each time and I hope I can go back to the fitness level I achieved in SISPEC.

***

Borderlands really is pretty fun. Running around, shooting stuff, finding guns, shooting stuff, doing quests, finding guns, shooting more stuff, leveling up, shooting more stuff in more ways.

No Moves

I realize I quite like going for my dental appointment every month because I get to patronize the Sun Moulin bakery at the basement of Lido. I just think their breads and cakes are superlative and no matter how uncomfortable tightening my braces may be, I will still eat the "butterfly" sandwich which is basically egg mayo and tuna mayo ensconced nicely between ham and bread. And it's cheaper than the crappy sandwiches you get at 7-11.

***

Wow, Festergut and Rotface looks hard. I think Putricide will be pretty tough too.

Make It Pop

Just when my holiday is about to end, I come to the realization that WoW is incredibly more fun and addictive than I originally thought. There is a TON of end-game content to be had and it's so incredibly fun trying to get new loot and chasing after high end gear, getting into raids, killing bosses, that I wonder why I never did all this before.

Then I realize that I am INUNDATED with games to play. I was playing Modern Warfare 2 for a while back then, clocking a good number of hours everyday after the Christmas week, played a bit of GTA:IV which I still haven't finished until now. Then there's Borderlands which I resolved to start playing this week but never managed to because of WoW, doing random heroics to get emblems, doing ICC for the loot, and it's such a never-ending chase that is extremely addictive and ultimately pointless but occupies a heck load of your time. Then there's my mage to level and try to experience some end-game content with although I do think that when Cataclysm comes around, Locks will be owning Mages on the DPS charts.

With so much gaming, it's no wonder that I've sort of regressed back into the passive armchair lifestyle. I've stopped working on my fitness, going to run or going swimming although I do resolve to do that soon and work on it this year. Then there are a ton of books which I've yet to read. And a ton of games which I've yet to complete. Add in random social gatherings and I think I have more than enough things to do. AND CHUCK SEASON 3 IS COMING OUT SOON! (I really feel like a lunatic yabbering on to myself like that)

Nevertheless, I'm thankful for all these distractions and little pleasures of life to enjoy. It beats having some miserable thought occupy my waking moment. Although sometimes, I do feel so tired and lethargic I wish I could sleep until something that truly matters comes about to stir me from my slumber.

Anyway, I have come to the conclusion that my body has undergone too much neglect and I need to start running and working out again, even though it feels so damn difficult to do now. Maybe going back to BMT would be good huh but no thanks. The physical gains are not worth the psychological and emotional torment. Speaking of BMT, I was wondering how my BMT mates are now but I guess it doesn't really matter at this stage now. People come and go so easily, I wonder why I ever let myself get so attached for. I think I know which friends are the ones that matter now.

***

Exercise Eagle next week. My initial impression was "UGH, SIAN" but I realize it could be so much worse considering how it's stay out and really nothing much compared to what infantry and my peers go through. And it's going to be over before long. Jowell is right. I do slack too much.

Too Little Too Late

It's effectively over. I cannot fathom how "letting things be" will make anything better. We both disagree with our methods of resolution, if yours can even be called that. But whatever. Since I'm such a huge problem, you're better off without knowing me.

It was my mistake to have ever believed you or trusted you. Let's hope I'm more discerning next time.

***

If I really do have a problem, what is it? Thinking too much? Talking too much about it? And being quiescent helps solve the problems in our world. Sure it's uncomfortable, no one said it wouldn't be. Medicine is bitter. But if you can't bring yourself to do something then there's nothing I can do either.

Yeah, I'm the one that changed. Only because you changed first. Or maybe because you lied from the start. Whatever it is, I can't do anything if you don't want to talk about it. If you're happy the way things are, don't let me rain on your parade.

***

And step by step, I grow even more distrustful and misogynistic.

To Do Basis

I need to start reading again. The habit sorta went down the drain ever since I finished air force training, opting to sleep and just basically do nothing. That would sort of make my time more productive for sure.

And I need to start exercising again. Christmas and New Year's over, been enough bingeing and I intend to reach the fitness level I reached back in SISPEC (that is 2.4 in 11 minutes). Hopefully I get a silver for IPPT. AND I WANNA SEE THOSE ABS! Gosh, this will need a lot of discipline.

Random thought: FDS has squadron PT. Why doesn't AMS? Because 80% of us are Pes C and excuse RMJ that's why!

And I need to start saving again. Spent way too much this December. I've got 11 months left of army, it's time to start saving the rest of my money and be frugal once again. I've proven to myself that I can save 500 a month so let's try to maintain that.

Hmm, why do I say "let's"? Is it because I'm more than one person? Probably. I have many different sides. But it's not like anybody cares right because they just see what they want to see. Typical.

I realize clubbing really helps lose weight. Lots of cardio exercise involved and if you don't drink or eat too much, I think you really get to burn a lot! But then you go deaf in the process so maybe I'll try some other alternatives.

Come to think of it, my life has been based on rationality. I'm using my time to derive maximum enjoyment by playing games. Reading doesn't elicit as much enjoyment as playing video games so therefore, in order to make the most of my time, I end up playing computer games which is a more involving process.

Ok, I'm blabbering on here. There's really much to do.

Staggering

The revelation that my brother has a blog and has quite an active online presence is very staggering, disconcerting and jarring.

I used to view him within a capacity of a single-minded and simple person but little did I know his consciousness expanded overnight and his precociousness abounds in form and expression on the internet. He has feelings, he has motivations, goals and not just simple desires and wants. It is strange to see him become like that. I don't think I was prepared for this. I think this is how parents see their children grow up.

Just Like A Pill

So I spent the first few years of 2010 clubbing and ending up going a bit deaf later that morning. How great.

I just like that this new year celebration is just a great excuse to go clubbing. Other than that, it just strikes me as being utterly symbolic and pointless. Things don't change any drastically when the new year starts. It's not like there's a "Clear cache" button and all the bad stuff in your history will be forgotten. Sure it's sort of a new start to everything but when you're trapped in a cycle of poverty or in some place you have no power over, this new start really means nothing.

It's just a new calendar year. For new things to take place over the old ones. But what does it matter if the old ones are never resolved but buried under the sands of time to be forgotten. Hardly any meaning in that is there. But no matter, things may change. No matter how unlikely or improbable. Because there simply is no guessing.

But all humans need a sense of constancy. We need people who are consistent in our lives. We need a routine, a job, a cycle, something to adapt to. There's only a limit to how much we can accept change. So while we're in a new year, a lot of things are still the same. A lot of the old problems of past years still remain, global warming, wars, infrastructure deficits, recession fallout. To me, most of the new year is symbolic. I know that it isn't merely symbolic and there are practical implications involved in the cycle of a new year but as things go for me right now, it is merely symbolic. I still have 11 months before I ORD.

My gosh. 11 months to ORD. I'm standing at a threshold of a new milestone. I'm reaching the end. Or rather, the end is in sight. I'm half way there. The glass is definitely half full. Here's hoping that things will stay the same, as smooth as the past few months have been (sans COC) and extrapolated into the remaining 11 months. Who would've guessed that just 6 months ago, I was agonizing in combat engineers.

***

It's funny how some people think my life is problem-free. What a lie. No one's life is ever problem-free. You just aren't acknowledging the problems in your life if you say otherwise. I'll remind myself of this the next time I feel this way. Which I doubt would be any time soon.

***

It's amazing what extremely loud and bass-y music and a bit of alcohol can do to you. I wouldn't say I got even that high. The free drinks were pathetic but I guess it sort of helped. But losing yourself in the music, moving to the rhythm and beat, being a part of the crowd and losing your identity is something I don't do often. Just going up to random guys, wishing them a happy new year with a pat on the back; it's funny how these things happen only at this time of the year and no matter how symbolic something may be, it's value is also elicited from the psyche of the society.

***

I hate that I keep going back and wanting. I wonder if things had remained the same, perhaps I would have had a chance, perhaps things would've been different and went in my favour. Perhaps I just value the prerogative and sovereignty of other people more than I do myself. What does it matter if people don't see it? It matters because it is who I am.