Honestly, do you believe

Once again, I'm reminded of the fact that superficial relationships aren't worth caring much for.

I don't want to know if it's not worth fighting for.

The Only Exception

Just at the turn of the New Year, the weather starts to feel more like December.

After my failed attempt at running yesterday (I lasted for only 1 round of my usual route), I intended to go running today only to have this light rain put down my recovery attempt. That was when I realized I nearly forgot how to do 5BX! For retrospect: jumping jacks, high jumper, knee benders, push ups, crunches.

***

I really wanted you to take me for a ride when you passed your driving test. Little did I know I was already being taken on one, right from the beginning.

I'm sorry but "things change" is a sorry and pathetic excuse. I find it hard to even justify it as reason. Maybe if the city skyline changes, you could muse "things change". But when your husband-to-be dumps you at the altar, "things change" hardly matters for anything.

I am upset that things changed. But it's not so much the rejection of it that I'm upset over but that I put so much trust in you only to have you take it for granted. It's fine if you think it doesn't matter, it's of little value. I don't have to say how much that reflects on you. Even then, why do you care to be altruistic or virtuous, if not for appearances' sake. Just like a pharisee.

***

I'm out-growing my 6kg dumbbell. I think I need to get new ones.

***

I should update the side bar too but what does it matter if I'm the only one who sees it. I don't need to know what movie I lasted watched or what book I last read. I just need to know my history and appreciate my mistakes.

So You Sailed Away

I'm telling myself to write this knowing that no one else is going to see this and it's a bit strange. Now that I dictated it myself that only the people I allow are going to see this, it feels more like a letter to someone rather than a soliloquy but never mind.

***

I don't know how much you care but from the looks of it, it doesn't look like much. And that gives me reason not to care either. Childish but I'm sick and tired of being the one to drive over the edge every time I'm the one who gives the undeserving too much. In fact, I thought that I was doing good being the quiescent one because I thought you had a vested interest in me and what I did was predicated by your interest. In short, I gave because you gave first. Or at least, I thought you had what was really not there. But it's over. I've learnt my lesson. I know better than to blindly give my trust away freely.

At least now I know that my value was solely found in your despair. That without which, I would have no place or meaning in your life.

I'm glad that you're happy even though I see the cracks forming where you don't. Maybe I see them through a perspective of vindictive bias but I think that's hardly the case since I have faith in my own analytical skills. Whether they do exist or not, whether my opinion matters or not, I don't care. It's over. I'm not going to wonder or waste any more metaphorical tears on a matter that is lost. I'm convinced I'm better without.

And you were right. My social circle is small. Which leaves me little reason to worry really because I know I have better prospects where I am. But I am very loathe to reduce such matters to a simple cost benefit analysis.

***

I'm ashamed to be male some times. To know that I succumb to easily to natural instinct.

No matter how advanced our society is, our mate selection process is still shamefully primal and barbaric. It disgusts me. But at the same time, it's a part of me that I cannot extricate, this sinful nature.

But at least I know that God is with me. That I have a will that is divine on my side and that will is strong enough to resist instinct.

***

I hope these words are mine alone.

Could use more battery life

Yay, blogging with my iPod touch works now!

Because I'm too lazy to turn on my mac, I'll just try typing on this to see how tedious and clumsy this can be. I can't even do this in landscape mode!

I think the only thing that I liked this Christmas is my Stitch plushie. But oh well. Everything oddly feels the same although something feels lackluster with each passing year. I guess it's most probably the suspension and irresolution of a few different but really quite similar conflicts. I don't think I have to remind myself what they are but here's hoping they fade into obsolescence soon enough.

Even with this much privacy, I still speak in riddles to protect my true meaning.

Buffet at mariott hotel tomorrow. I really hope I don't get fat.

Stitch-ed!

I got a Stitch plushie! SO CUTE!

Beautiful Like A Rainbow

You with the sad eyes
Don't be discouraged
Oh I realize
It's hard to take courage
In a world full of people
You can lose sight of it all
And the darkness inside you
Can make you feel so small

But I see your true colors
Shining through
I see your true colors
And that's why I love you
So don't be afraid to let them show
Your true colors
True colors are beautiful,
Like a rainbow

Show me a smile then,
Don't be unhappy, can't remember
When I last saw you laughing
If this world makes you crazy
And you've taken all you can bear
You call me up
Because you know I'll be there

And I'll see your true colors
Shining through
I see your true colors
And that's why I love you
So don't be afraid to let them show
Your true colors
True colors are beautiful,
Like a rainbow

Somebody To Love

Sometimes you wonder whether your beliefs are right or not. Sometimes you wonder if defending your beliefs makes you obstinate and obdurate to seeing reason or the viewpoint or another. Sometimes you wonder if doing the right thing ends up doing more harm to yourself and others than good. Sometimes I wonder what to believe in at all.

***

If all goes well, I'll get a 2 week holiday.

***

Hum hum hum... Hum hum hum....

Loving Glee covers of True Colours, Lean On Me, Somebody To Love. Don't Stop Believin' and Keep Me Hanging On are lovely too.

***

Been eating too many chocolates.

Locked

EDIT -

I've decided to leave my blog open for the time being. I'll lock it after Christmas.

***

There's something to be said about privacy. I know no one will be seeing this anytime soon but it just feels like I would prefer a "freedom from" rather than a "freedom to".

I'm content with reading what I write on my own. Somehow, I don't really want everyone to be allowed privy to my life. If it matters so much to you then ask for an invitation to read. You will need a blogger account though. A minor convenience at most.

***

It's amazing how I subject myself to such embarrassing acts and allow myself to be laughed at, all of this of my own will. But I've never laughed so hard in my life before. Maybe it was worth it.

***

I'm glad Facebook is taking privacy seriously. Maybe the danger may not be apparent to most right now but I just feel insecure about the copious amounts of information (certainly not as much as others) on the public domain right now. I'm not going to let it be available for use by anyone with malicious intent.

Same goes for blogger. Nothing ever really is private on the internet. There are traces and indexes everywhere. Google's internet spider trawls the internet, indexes websites and caches them. I think the older I get, the less public I want my life to be.

Wha?

Ultraviolet, which just showed on channel 5, caught my interest while channel surfing. Besides the hardcore, ridiculous, unbelievably unrealistic (you stab and shoot and there's no blood!?) action, where all the carnage is wrought simply by a lone Milla Jovovich dressed in tight leather pants and jacket, albeit exposed midriff, and those really cool shades, (I just realised I make the most ridiculous sentence structures where you find like 5 subclauses before you get to the main clause, and that's excluding this ridiculous parenthesis) what kept me watching was why the heck she wanted to save that boy who was of no use or significance to any side in the conflict. (What a heck of a sentence.)

I know it seems like I'm watching because it's a) full of action and shooting b) sexually attractive female form, which sounds all very interesting to the male species, but I was really more interested in the characters motivations. I mean, the senseless and asinine violence was fun to watch for awhile but I was always wondering what the heck is so important about that dying clone-of-evil-arch-nemesis-who-does-not-have-any-significance-to-anyone. Heck of a conundrum that keeps retarded people like me watching.

But whatever, I spent too much time waxing not-so-lyrical about something so insignificant it cramps my style (what style!? You may ask. A valid query if I may add.)

***

Glee. Is. THE. Best. Drama. EVER. In my opinion anyway. I find it hard to simply describe Glee in a minute paragraph without elucidating upon the depth and nuance of the show itself but I will try. Glee is set in an American prep school about this Glee club. Glee club is a show choir, one that sings and dances and performs like a band but with a bit more coordination and innocent flair (ok in that video, you'll see the girls slapping the insides of their thighs and it seems like I contradict myself in this but I swear they're so innocent it doesn't seem wrong at all) and minus all the commercial agenda. Typically unpopular when compared alongside the football and cheerleading team, Glee's teacher in-charge tries to bring the kids to success by competing in, well, competitions. But then there's a whole lot of drama and betrayal involved along the way which elicits forth plenty of heartwarming love, family, honesty and so on and so forth.

What I like the most about Glee is the performance and interpretation of popular songs and how it's always used to great effect where the meaning of the song is as important as the visual and aural performance and execution of it. And I find it all very meaningful in the larger context of things.

I've never found a TV show that I loved this much. I love it so much I went to add it to my Facebook "likes".

***

I would upload some songs but it seems that Myspace has bought over imeem and they're sort of trying to transfer my account over or something. I'll just wait for it in the mean time.

Hot and bothered

When I came home after church today, my maid told us that 2 men came by earlier looking for me. They were casually dressed and looked like they were in their 30s. According to her, they would come by later. Well it's been the whole afternoon and they still haven't came back. Perhaps they might never will but whatever it is, if it stays this way, it's going to be an enigma that will never be revealed. And that annoys me! But hey, what can I do? So so strange.

Resolutions for 2010

Here's looking to 2009 to change this to this. That would involve running more often (3 times a week of cardio exercise), doing more sit ups, and working on at least maintaing my best IPPT score and trying to break my 2.4 timing and my current record of 11.5 pull ups.

But with Christmas coming, I think it's going to be A LOT HARDER! Dammit! But hey, for the work that I'm doing (i.e. sleep, eat lunch, sleep, go home), I don't think my shape is too bad! What do you expect? I don't gym everyday! Hell, I haven't done any real PT in the last 5 months or so.

I realize it's such a superficial goal but hey, it's a lot harder than it seems okay. I'm going to need a lot of discipline just to get up to run and train. So that's for physical.

Number 2. Get that Law book I wanted and study! Or at least read up on Law cases, philosophy, logic, and so on. And continue reading Time magazine, being up to date with current affairs.

Number 3. Be happy.

Number 4. Draw closer to God.

Number 5. Save more money because I realize I definitely won't be getting 840 when I go to uni.

Ok so I've got physical, intellectual, emotional, spiritual and financial covered. Anything else I missed?

EDIT -

Corrected the year.

Can't Keep Loving You

The accounts are damning. I have WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY over spent this month. I need to go into emergency spending. That is, not at all! BUT IT'S CHREEEESTMURRRSSS!!! And I think I spent the most this year on Christmas presents. Thanks NANDA!!!! Oh my brother says he remembers you after much thought - "you know that one at the PC show?", "Ooohhh... The one that kept wanting to find the hard drive one is it?" (I'm AMAZED he remembers you wanting to get the hard drive because it must've shown how difficult it was for you to get a hard drive! HAHA)

Ok stress! Stress! STRESS! Event is NEXT WEEK! Things to do: publicize on FB, send email out to cell leaders and perhaps interns, detail the logistic/admin plan, arrow people (I REALLY SUCK AT THIS), prepare stuff for games, OH GOSH WHAT ELSE AM I FORGETTING!

HOOAH!

I think I've proven to myself that if I have the will to do something, I can achieve what I want to achieve. If I can't achieve something, it's either because i'm too lazy, my principles get in the way, or I'm just too cowardly. I have to work on being more disciplined and more discerning.

I'm sorry God I didn't set out to do what I wanted to for you today.

I thank God that I have THE best posting ever but I ought to be more disciplined and stop procrastinating.

***

When I read A Christmas Carol, I begin to imagine reading bedtime stories to my children in future. I'm reading A Christmas Carol to them in the weeks before Christmas, explaining to them what "pinion" means, showing them what "sage" and "rosemary" are, teaching them the value and meaning of Christmas, getting them excited about it. I imagine stirring up their imagination, teaching them God's creations, showing them the way of the world, leading them in the right direction, and picking them up when they fall.

I imagine moulding them to be like me, to live in my kind of world, while learning to be open minded and accept the world of others. Somehow in these moments of imagination, my wife is faded away when I'm spending time with my kids. She's around, yes, but only somewhere in the background where everything is blurry and I'm only focused on my two girls. I think I would groom them to be what I want them to become but at the same time, I know I should let them be who they want to be and explore their possibilities. It's funny how I can faintly start to feel the disappointment of them growing up and leaving the roost and suddenly, I can begin to understand how fathers feel about their daughters.

Why the heck am I even thinking about all this now!? I know the reality will definitely be much farther than what I hope for.

Blue Kitties!

Just when I thought I was nicely ensconced in my own lonesome world, I've been atypically out until 10pm the past two days meeting up with people that suddenly makes me realize how quick and simple things can change. But that's not the point.

And no. No cat catcher today. Probably because it was raining. But I finally got my wish to watch Avatar fulfilled. And it certainly lives up to the reviews.

To quote Wen Jie, Avatar is in a whole league of it's own. It's reminiscent of franchises like LotR, The Matrix, Star Wars and Star Trek in terms of conception but the world of Pandora was conceived with such a superlative quality with a parallelism that really adds a relatable dimension to an otherwise, and usual of fantasy settings, distant and imaginary world.

Well firstly, it's because humans are a major player in the world of Pandora. We see ourselves and the manifestation of our ills residing in this world, things like corporate greed, use of force, subjugating ostensibly inferior and lesser races. Yet at the same time, we can relate to deeper emotions like love, passion, conviction, even morality. And this is reflected in the our faces but that of aliens, the tribal people Na' vi. And through the use of stereoscope 3D, meaning you gotta wear those funky goggles, the world comes alive right in front of you.

I think what makes it so ultimately heartwarming is the ability of love, peace, nature, and goodness, to not only triumph over evil but transcend racial boundaries. It also makes a salient point on trust which is quite a personal theme. But what I loved the most was it's plea for open mindedness, to see beyond our superficial cultural differences and to enable more meaningful relationships, to try to understand what we do not know, what we're afraid of knowing, and to be humble and not think we know it all.

It's a bit late to say I won't go into a literary review about Avatar but I really just can't help it! I realise I can't judge the acting performances much considering how I'm not in a very good position to critique actors to begin with so I'll just tick to analysing it from a literary perspective albeit an amateur one.

I think for most who aren't going to watch this, it's because it seems like JUST another sci-fi/fantasy flick, just like LotR or Star Wars. But if you actually care about what I think, I'm saying that Avatar manages to distinguish itself as a whole new world of adventure, possibilities, engagement and exploration, without coming across as superficial, trite or contrived (did anybody understand what I just said!?). It is a world with a whole new dimension of parallelism like a doppleganger of our world but with the appearance of a blue humanoid staring back at you (again, did anybody understand what I just said!?).

Oh and please watch it in 3D. You won't regret the extra cost and the time you spent watching it.

***

What's with all the ads being posted as comments on my blog? Should I construe that as a good thing, that traffic is high?

No matter. I write because I like.

***

Met my junior from Barker on the way home. And it wasn't awkward at all. The past doesn't forget you even if you try to forget it.

***

So so tired. I think the lack of (beauty) sleep has been a detriment to my complexion.

***

Every night, when I'm alone with my head, heart and soul, I'd think about us. I'd think about the things I'd want to say to you, to try and express what I'm feeling, to make you understand. But I realise I'm wasting my time. That I'm barking up the wrong tree because this tree has uprooted and moved on to greener pastures.

I could think of a million and one things to analyse, evaluate and critique about what went wrong. And I think they would be viable, valid and salient lessons, worthy of pedagogy. But there's really no point. It doesn't matter any more because you don't care and well, maybe neither do I.

Who Says I Can't Get Stoned

... turn off the lights and the telephone!

New song, Who Says, by John Mayer!

Just recently bought a smattering of new albums (yay original!) of TESTOSTERONE. Usually I buy a lot of female artistes but I don't know why I ended up with Michael Buble, Onerepublic, John Mayer, 30 Seconds to Mars and Lady Gaga of course. Well, you probably could argue Lady Gaga is a half a man but that's for another time!

***

I didn't want to go to bed so soon just yet. Actually, it isn't really "soon" because it's already WAY PAST MY BEDTIME and I ABHOR that feeling of waking up at 6am and you know you're just not ready to wake up and you're being forced to get out of bed and shower and get ready for the blasted commute to work. STILL! I thank God that I'm not stay in. BUT I DIGRESS.

Don't know about you but today's been a pretty special day for me which is why I decided to write it down.

Cool stuff happened at work today. Well firstly, I met up with my 2 new men whom I'll be seeing until next year. We're starting off slowly but we've got a year to know each other better so yeah.

Then the fun stuff happened. Basically went to do escort for the cat catcher! My canteen area has a lot of cats so someone called in the pest company people to catch the cats and MY GOSH. I realise I am COMPLETELY enamored with cats. They are the CUTEST CREATURES EVER. EVERRRRRRRRRRERRRRR. And even though I was sorta like spotting the cats for cat catcher, I was secretly excited that they always managed to escape, run away and elude the cat catcher.

Oh and the cat catcher is a Malay guy and he's really funny because he was saying the cat was "relak" [one cornerrrr!]. And the way he said "fei mao" which I found really amusing and quaint! And I really mean no derision when I say all this. I just found it amusing!

And then they tried to catch the kitten and bait it with food but it was REALLY SMART!!! It just didn't eat the tuna that they left. It just stared at them and refused to eat it. It could even HIDE away from the guys. I'm totally impressed by how awesome cats are. And have you ever seen a cat pee or poop? NO RIGHT!? Cats have so much dignity they're MODEST. While dogs are, well, more practical creatures, letting go whenever they have to! Haha! But I still love dogs too ok!

That really was the highlight of my work day and I'm nearly convinced to get a cat when I live on my own when I grow up or something. Kitty love!

In the evening, I met up with Ezra and Si En to talk about church stuff, God and gossip and everything! And wow, I realized I learnt a lot not just about managing stuff and that sort of thing but about my other church friends too. That A LOT goes beyond the surface and all this time, I am woefully ignorant of it all. That so-and-so likes so-and-so, this happened to so-and-so. It was really enlightening to say the least. Granted, I was hoping for more focused and pragmatic discussion to happen so I could get an idea of how to lead this committee and plan stuff (I WAS SO AFRAID TO SEND EMAIL TO ALL OF THEM THEN NO ONE REPLY! :( ) but it was still VERY fruitful. And it was quite an informal thing so it was all good really!

I just think it's amazing to see God working and be a real manifestation in my life. Oh and like for the first time in my life, I saw church people in town. Not just once but like 2 or 3 times? Or so? Which is REALLY RARE because I never encounter church people in town! It's just that sort of thing that would make me take notice but then again, I always notice this sort of thing but whatever!

Ok and I realised that I cannot change the way my mind works. I would call it intellectual instinct which sounds really oxymoronic. But it's like whenever I read something, encounter an idea, argument (FOR SURE ARGUMENT), principle, policy, opinion, anything abstract, actually, even anything superficial as well like a quote or a sentence or a word, I just automatically analyse it. It's not something I can help or consciously do. It's just how my brain functions. I just HAVE to analyse and evaluate everything you say, do, think, or whatever. I can't help it. Like it or not, it's who I am. And I have a good feeling about it that it's going to help me a lot in future.

Right, goodnight! Going to catch cats again tomorrow because the cat catcher couldn't catch any today because he didn't have his tools and whatnot so I'm going to continue gushing, smiling and giggle myself silly while I see them catch cats while I look all cool in my no 3. HAHA!

***

Realised I totally need an iPhone so I can answer emails anywhere.

Realised why people loathe to open their inboxes.

Realised it's time to move on and not care.

We Can Write A Bad Romance

Lady Gaga is crazy and totally out-of-this-world. She epitomizes the word strange with her outfits, music videos, dance moves and even sexuality. But to quote Rolling Stone magazine, which printed the same quote on the Fame Monster album I just got, "[Lady Gaga] is the defining pop star of 2009".

What makes her so special is her celebration of diversity, the rejection of norms and stereotypes from the superficial to the established. She's the poster girl of postmodernism. And even though she goes against all our preconceived notions, there's a freak in everyone that cannot help but want to be like her, the Mr Hyde in all of us that just wants to break free and oppose the repression of institutionalized and established order.

I admit, I once thought Lady Gaga was a freak of nature. Her Bad Romance video I found largely off-putting. Then again, Paparazzi was equally weird. But seeing her interviews (she's really quite normal) and her live performances (she can REALLY sing and play the piano) was really enlightening and made me understand her person. That her point isn't just to seek commercial attention but to truly be what you are.

But that's not to say I agree entirely with her. We need stability and order, we need institutions to protect that and achieve common good. But at the very least, it's a nice album to pick up and listen to with it's bass beats, rhythms and synthetic loops.

I mean, have you ever realised how fun and downright silly it is to sing the first part of Bad Romance? RA RA OOH LA LA! Who could've ever thought of putting three onomatopoeic sounds together to make such a nonsensical joy of expression?! It's absolutely jabberwocky!

Too Willing

Adriel, you have pride and dignity. Thank goodness you didn't stoop to such debased levels. Your revulsion is laudable.

Don't Worry

"So baby don’t worry, you are my only,
You won’t be lonely, even if the sky is falling down,
You’ll be my only, no need to worry,
Baby are you down down down down down,"

Down, Jay Sean

***

Decided to practice what I preached.

I Need This

"It is better, if it is God's will, to suffer for doing good than for doing evil." 1 Peter 3: 17

Baby You Are My Only

Ipod Touch Unboxing!

DHL :)

BUBBLE WRAP!

What you see on the screen is just the plastic.

No. 1 Uniform

Trying to get a shot of my 3SG rank in

:) with peak cap

:) without peak cap :)

Climate Change

So during the Copenhagen climate change summit, the EU decided to contribute $10b US dollars to help developing countries out with their carbon emissions reduction but developing countries disparage the amount as being too little. Climate change indeed.

(It's a pun on the word "change"!!! GEDDIT :D)

***

Dude, don't blame someone else for your own shortcomings. So Tiger Woods had every right to cheat on his wife because those ladies were just too hot? So it was just a human foible to cheat with 10 over women while your wife is pregnant and looking after your kids? No. It's just a pathetic excuse to point the finger at human fallibility. Yes we do make mistakes and succumb to temptation but God gave us the willpower and moral compass to do what is right and not helplessly succumb to our primal instincts. Hamster mothers sometimes eat their kids, I certainly hope we don't.

***

So I'm selfish for wanting to save myself from my own misery. And you're Ms.-F*cking-Altruistic.

Scratching Your Surface

Life didn't deal me the strongest hand which is why I have to find my partner to get through this game. I'm so sick of bluffing, feinting, lying, cheating, pretending, trying to be poker faced. So when I reveal my hand to you and realize that I was wrong all this while, I can't go back to what I was before and pretend some more like nothing ever happened because we both already know that's it too late.

***

Doing all those things that I wanted and wanting all those things that I wanted is not who I really am. There's no escaping that fact. Being somebody else is fun at times but it's not worth it when I lose myself and forget who I really am in the process.

***

For all it's musical grandeur (which could really be argued to not bear at all), Glee reveals a deeper sensibility, maturity and depth that I cannot help but inexorably fall in love with.

High on intravenous glucose

For the first time in my life, I was on the verge of fainting! And I found it to be quite a surreal experience! It's not something I'm exactly proud of but it's one of those life experiences I've always wanted to experience just to know how it feels like. Here's what happened:

Parade started as usual, marched in, bla bla bla, everything was fine. Until THE WAIT. That's right, THE wait. We were stuck there standing in senang-diri position for like 20 minutes or so waiting for who knows what under the blazing heat (BLOODY WEATHER FORECAST SAID THUNDERSTORMS!!!). I started getting a headache and told myself to endure it, bear it through because I really didn't want to fall out half way - I truly wanted to complete the whole thing.

That was when I started to wiggle my toes to get the blood going but it didn't seem to help much because after a while, my hands started going numb. Then was after the parade started moving on and speeches were being made and I realized that, shit! I feel really weak! Things are starting to spin and look brighter than usual and harder to focus. And things sounded a bit muted too. THEN I knew that I was on the verge of fainting already so I had to squat down to get evacuated by the medics.

Got stretchered out, brought into some container, found my blood sugar level to be low, put me on an IV drip WHICH WAS DAMN PAIN but thankfully I was a bit too dizzy to really feel anything. And they pricked my left and right index fingers to test my blood sugar level. I think I heard at one point my pulse was like 64? WHICH IS QUITE LOW HUH!!!

So anyway, was stretchered into the ambulance (WHEE AMBULANCE RIDE FIRST TIME!!!), brought to medical center, lay in the sick bay for about an hour before finding my way back with two other guys who fainted/verge of fainted too.

I'm feeling quite hyper with the two packs of glucose they intravenously fed me. I should do that more often. Like get a shot of glucose before running 2.4 that sort of thing.

But I also do feel quite disappointed that I didn't manage to complete the parade. I felt like I disappointed a lot of other people too, objectively speaking, but then again, nothing seems to have come out of this. Right now, I'm feeling really fine and just happy that I've got it done and over with and actually experienced fainting. And the fact that I've got my NEW 64gb IPOD TOUCH syncing right now!

WHAT A DAY. Like seriously. Ended up in so much drama.

Then again, I really don't understand how I could have low blood sugar levels when I had ate my ENTIRE LUNCH RATION before that and drank TWO cans of 100 plus before going into the parade. I mean, it's supposed to have glucose in it right? Plus I ate all the rice in my lunch so logically speaking, I should have enough glucose. UNLESS. *DUN DUN DUN*. Something's wrong with my body that doesn't allow me to breakdown enough glucose from my food (DIABETES!? :O) BUT THEN AGAIN! That doesn't explain why I get so fat!

I've learnt that sometimes there are certain things that are beyond logic or reason. This is one of those moments. At least until I've gone through some medical investigation and uncover the medical logic behind it but the MO didn't hang around to give us any explanation so whatever.

Thanks to everyone who were concerned! I truly appreciate it!

Let It Rain

I think Glee's mash ups and remakes of popular songs are really amazing.

***

Today is over too soon.

I realised that solace is comforting.

I realised that staying incognito is what I want.

I realised that you cannot stereotype people as people. There are people and then there are people.

I realised WoW has more potential for sinking my time into.

I realised that boys will always be boys. And girls will always be girls.

I don't realise the implications of what I just did and I may regret it later but I'll never know the opportunity cost until I get it.

***

I need a new soundtrack to reflect my end of the year zeitgeist.

***

Sometimes I feel like I do it because of you.

Ford and a Ring

And a partridge in a pear tree!!!

***

One more day till she's mine.

***

I think I've had enough parades for one day. And then another one. I just want to be free.

***

Sometimes being all alone at home feels no different than what I'm already used to. Cat indeed.

Keep Holding On

I stand by my belief that the future is completely amorphous, nebulous, vague, and trying to predict it is a like grasping at straws. I know this firsthand seeing my calamitous transition from CJC to Tekong to Combat Engineers and now Air Force. That's why I trust God all the more.

Reminded of the verse, "Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." Matthew 6:34.

Doesn't matter how much we plan for the future when tomorrow Christ might come again and rapture us. You never know. I don't even want to try. Funny how us hubristic humans try so hard to predict the future and end up failing all the time.

***

Home alone until saturday when my family comes back from church camp. I HAVE THE XBOX ALL TO MYSELF :D GLEE! AND TOMORROW IS MY DAY OFF! GLEE! GLEE GLEE GLEE GLEE GLEE! My glee is so effusive that I cannot contain myself but express it over and over again like this.

Nerd Love

I genuinely went "awww..." at this.

iWant

M1 and Starhub have released press releases for the sale of the iPhone and it's going to come as soon as 7th December. So far, M1's price plans are looking the MOST AWESOME and the best part is that it allows for the student benefits (i.e. unlimited SMS) to apply to the iPhone plan. It is $36 bucks compared to the similar plan by Singtel which is $52. And, get this, 10GIGS OF FREE DATA USAGE compared to Singtel's MEAGRE 500mb. I am completely BOWLED over by this. But alas, I will delay my purchase of an iPhone because I won't have much use for it in army and I'll just wait till I ORD (MY ORD GIFT TO MYSELF :D) to get the next iteration of the iPhone (3.1 coming!) and hope that the plans remains this attractive.

YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!

That Girl In Blue

The word "declension" has been stuck in my head for the good part of this morning. I wonder why...

***

Today was a good day. Parade rehearsals ended at 12ish. Got home and went swimming and sought to burn off some fat while expending some calories but ultimately, I doubt it's true efficacy seeing how I eat and drink after that - it's not that bad! I just bought soya bean and beancurd from Mr Bean!

Saw this CJ girl, very probably a junior, and wanted to say hi but didn't in the end because I was too shy and it would've probably been very weird indeed. But then again, I would never know! But it doesn't really matter in the end does it!

Oh and I pulled my calf muscle while swimming half way. Like the first time in my entire life. It was then that I realized I rely most on my upper body to swim rather than my legs. Silly me. But I can't help myself.

I need to exercise more often. I was made to move more than I currently do (because I'm a guy). And I feel lethargic all too easily if I don't exercise. Which is very easy to get into and just continue being quiescent about it because, well, you're sleepy and tired and don't wanna move. But it's something I have to learn to hate. I remember when I was in BMT and SISPEC when it felt good to be running and exercise and getting that breathless high after that. And now, I let my body lapse back into lassitude and sloth. Tsk tsk.

I resolve to join a sport in university. A physical one. Was thinking tennis, like for fun, not for serious competition. I was thinking swimming too but I don't think I'm good enough to join the swim team and compete at that level. Then there's debates too of course. It's almost logical to join debates since I'm in Law and they hold their debate training at the Law campus. What a scary prospect. I hope I meet nice people.

Ok. At least my muscles feel more developed than before. My triceps used to ache when I started to swim but it didn't even complain no matter how far I pushed myself. To the point I pulled my calf muscle. Haha okay. Good sign I hope!

Thumb Mousing

Seeing the plethora of apps available on the iTunes app store really makes me want to start clicking "Buy Now". Glee!

***

Random obscure words have been popping into my mind today. Proselytize, declension, convalescent.

***

I realize that labeling my posts hasn't really worked out. Most of the time, my posts are way too general and incoherent to effectively label them and they are predicated by little order whatsoever, I just post whatever I happen to have on my mind. And because my mind is such a strange psychotic place, there is hardly any focus or order to be had. But chaos is beautiful.

***

Am I damning (ok not such a strong word but like you get the point) myself by organizing this church event on my own birthday? I didn't intend for anything but it seems like I was expecting a bit too little. I think I undervalue my own birthday. Sorry. Can't help it.

What I need is meaning.

Expectant Servant

I'm really proud I spent so little this month. I usually give myself 200 bucks to spend in general and I spent less than that for the month of November! Hurray! But I know December isn't going to be the same. What with going shopping and all the Christmas humpalooaza and all that jazz. I think I'm going to get fatter too. I've got my new year's resolution for next year thought out already: run 3 times a week. Or at least some form of cardio. But I don't wanna shrink so I need to do weights training too!

***

Been really psyched into getting that new Loreal Derma Genesis pore smoother thing thing because it's ad has been playing over and over again at the train stations (damned city hall and trains taking forever to arrive at 6am in the morning). I hope it really works as it claims. I'm quite sick of brand hopping but it seems like it's the only way products ever work on my skin. It's like I try one brand and after a while, it stops working on my skin. Or maybe I'm just not sweating it out enough. NEED TO RUN!!!

***

Michael Buble, Onerepublic, A Fine Frenzy. Gotta get those albums too!

***

Got a new shelf from Ikea! I assembled it myself! So proud of myself! First step to being a husband (cos it's the man that does the stuff like this at home)! But Ikea quality sucks! Didn't get the mirror I wanted.

TLC

You know what's really cool about this parade I'm in? Real life aircrafts, helicopters, chinooks, F16, AC-130, ground artillery and tanks all making up the backdrop, amidst an expansive runway. They're so close I could probably just go up and touch them and I realize some people would love to be in my position right now but I'm just so indifferent to it. All this hardware doesn't mean much to me. So, too bad!

But seeing the AC-130 up close is very cool. It always reminds me of Modern Warfare 2 when the enemy calls in their AC-130 killstreak reward and the notification warning is always this harried guy's voice screaming very fearfully, "ENEMY AC-130 INBOUND!!!!!", like he's about to die and damn right he is because the Ac-130 always kills everyone.

Na na na na!

Twitterverse

TWEET TWEET:

"I realized I'm more emotional than I thought..."

"We bare our fangs to protect who we really are"

"So you read it, you know. So what's the use if you're going to be quiescent about it?"

"It's been such a strange day"

***

Is being nice the easy way out or being mean the easy out? There is no easy way out I realize. It's either I let myself be myself, or become somebody else to protect myself.

There's no knowing what I really mean. But you can guess the closer you are to me because a part of me becomes a part of you.

I speak in riddles so that no one will know except this writer. Knowing this writer's purpose and intentions takes more than just literary analysis. Perhaps it may yield something but no one will ever know unless this writer explicitly says so. But this writer will never say so. Not any time now. Knowing the nature and thought process of this writer is harder than you think it is my dear.

***

What a serendipitous day. First it rained so training was cancelled and we were dismissed early (HURRAY! But I came back at the same time if my dad were to give me a lift on a normal day). Then I met a CJ acquaintance at the bus stop. Then I saw my aunt in the bus but I didn't say "hi" because it would've been awkward.

That's when I realized that I am so much more insular than I thought. Like a black hole.

I Can't Wait

Hilarious irony I swear. Aren't we all lit students? Haha!

No! No! I meant that it's not been raining for the past few days when I had parade rehearsals and then when I INTENDED to run today - and trust me, getting off my lazy ass is harder than it seems when I'm nicely ensconced in my room and it's all dark and sleepy, the last thing I want to do is move - it has to be all gloomy and raining. Seriously! It's so ironic it's funny isn't it?

But who can I blame? I had to wait until it's too late before I chose to go running.

Sigh, such a sad twist, how the weather changes so quickly.

I suddenly feel very insecure.

***

And it starts to rain.

***

Update:

It stopped raining and I went running. Not bad considering how long I haven't gone running.

Also realised that I've forgotten how to ignore the pain when I ran. But it's okay, I'll learn again the more I keep running.

Last Christmas

Christmas is nearing! My heart is seized by hope and joy and good cheer! Even though most of it's appeal is arbitrary and intangible, it is the intangible that changes things the most.

***

Listening to Christmas songs now because it's a nice, happy and lighthearted mood to get into. All the bells and love and sparkly imagery and a little magical happiness.

***

So this 10th December, somebody's going to come into greater power, or at least officialized, but I know that's when I'm going to get my baby!

***

Thank God for this day off. But I'm sorry for the honest mistake.

Suddenly I See

Suddenly I see who you really are. You only wanted to be wanted.

Screaming And Kicking

Quote of the day, "Where else can you do drills on the runway and listen to music (NDP songs)?"

Uhh, sir, I don't care.

Oh wait! Another good one! "Parades are actually quite fun!"

HAHA! Riiiiiiiiggghhttttt....

***

I am absolutely AMAZED that it is December already! It's been one heck of a memorable year this 2009. I've gone to so many places! First it was tekong, then pasir laba camp, then nee soon camp, then all the 4 air basesd, and those random and obscure but very scenic places which you never thought existed in Singapore.

I've been through shit, then had fun, then been through hell, then had the best job on the planet.

I met so many wonderful people that it was just impossible to remember all their names but I recognize their faces. It's like a book I'm flipping through and there are so many characters this narrative has that it's just impossible to keep up and remember every single one. But I know the few that WILL stay with me for a long time to come. And it's funny how I met these people in the hell hole that was combat engineers.

I've been through so many changes and ups and downs not just in army life but in my normal life as well. It's been amazing. I've never experienced SO MUCH in just one year before. I lost 6 kgs in a span of a few weeks in BMT before going back to where I was by this time (although I still think my biceps are bigger!) but I'm still fitter than I was last year (I can do 11 pull ups!) but I don't know about running now.

I don't know if I'm smarter. I mean, I haven't done anything remotely intellectual and have just been letting my brain stagnate although I do count reading Time magazine and intellectually involved in current affairs as a baseline. But I feel that my vocabulary has diminished.

Reading a few of my posts from last year gives me the feeling that I was a very different person last year. For one, my language was a lot more abstruse. Sometimes I even pause to remember what word I once used in those posts.

Things changed so so much. It feels like it is only a matter of time before I get used to the way things are. But through the vagaries of time and change, I am still who I am.

Fir Trees Hiding

I want a giant Stitch plushie because it's SOOOO CUTEEE!!! /hug

***

Does anyone seriously think that parades are awesome? Doing drills, marching, it's really just being a robot and dehumanized. So damn stupid. I'm sorry. It's meaning is lost on me.

If you were a pokemon, I choose you!

SO CUTE! I WANT TO FLOAT ALONGSIDE PIKACHU TOO!!!!

***

I want to sing and dance and scream and get drunk and just forget and not care and leave all this moral baggage behind.

The Paradox of Thrift

Save me from my profligate scheme to spend over 1.6k this December on very much material desires.

I Wanna Be Where You Are

When things are too big to fall, we should stop leaning on them and stand on our own.

***

I realize that I'm relatively virtuous and innocent, reflecting a paucity of turpitude in my lifestyle. It's funny how people changed after leaving school. So many things changing and changing that the only thing constant is change. But that's not the point.

So what if I choose to be virtuous and moral and sensible and meaningful and sincere. Where does that leave me? And we all know that nuns are no fun. But when you're in the shit, they take care of you.

Pfft. I wash my hands off you. I would be a misanthropic sociopath if it weren't for...

***

What was my purpose? What was my use? What was my value? I'm human not a product.

***

One is more than an infinity

Sinner

Note to self: read Dante's Inferno.

The One That Got Away

Here's a Modern Warfare 2 joke.

Q: What soap does Mctavish use?

A: The one with the lowest Price!

Haha okay. I don't think it's LOL funny even if you did get it. And there's nothing geeky about MW2! Everyone's playing it! Even that guy's grandma is playing it!

Should I Be Worried?

I'm so used to it I'm complacent. HAHA!

***

It's funny how time didn't break what we built but wanting to go further that toppled our tower of yellow lego bricks. (What an apt metaphor with that Make A Brick community campaign going on now. Donate $2 for a lego brick! We can do it! Let our kids show you how! HAHAHAHHA WTF.)

Sian. Wasted 85 bucks. Never mind! Taxpayer's money I say! :D

***

I'm not feeling well. Like. I feel sick. Hot in the head but cold in the feet and hands. Definitely a symptom of more to come. Maybe that's why I'm in such a retarded frame of mind today! HAHAHHA! I'm seriously grinning to myself as I type this. Adriel you retard!

I'm not worried at all that I SEEM like I'm falling sick. In fact, I would love to fall ill right now. No more parades. No more being in the BLOODY FRONT ROW OF THE GUARD OF HONOUR (OMGWTFBBQPWNZED! Met Michael da Silva at the parade rehearsals and he saw me in my GOH garb and he was like "OMG! Why are you in GOH? DAMN SUAY MAN!" SIGGHHH).

And then I'll get to stay at home. And maybe I'll get H1N1. Maybe I walked past Fann Wong without knowing it recently (adriel you retard! HAHAHHA!). Naw. It must be the blazing fun bearing down on my face and neck, a pernicious lack of water (because I forgot to bring my water bottle), cruel and demanding trainers who expect damn "gilat" (superlative. I muse at my ability to translate military parlance into bombastic English. Adriel you retard.) standards because you're in the Guard of Honour - "SAR-ZHEN CHIOH! DON'T LOOK DOWN! LOOK FAR! LOOK AT THAT SIGN (STOP! CHECK FOR FOD!)". Oh and the best quote: "IT IS AN HONOUR TO BE IN THIS PARADE/Guard of Honour/Front row". I actually smirked at that thinking, "my flipping ass...". I just hope I don't get arrowed for SAF Day parade or, God forbid, National Day.

***

Was supposed to meet at 7.55pm (I scorn at Debbie's specific meeting time) at Parkway for Nanda's surprise. But in the end, EVERYONE WAS LATE! That's what I love about Nanda and Debbie. It's always okay to be late. No wait, in fact, it's actively encouraged. And to think I was getting so uptight about being late because we waited for the buses to bring us back to Changi for like half an hour over. Then it took an hour to get back to Changi because it was peak period and the roads were busy. And then after sending arms, it was like 7.15pm and I was contemplating whether to cab down and bla bla bla. So much worry for nothing! Well, I'm sorry. I've been brought up with a respect for meeting deadlines and timings and being punctual.

Ok. I realize I'm blabbering on about nothing. Sign that I'm wrong in the head. HAHAHHA. What the hell!? I DO THIS ALL THE TIME! ADRIEL YOU RETARD! I amuse myself so often I think I'm slightly mentally "off". ("Something that says ME!", Ris Low. Random weird link of thought.)

***

Ok. My brother got 221 for PSLE. HEHE DIDN'T BEAT ME. But my mum was quite disappointed. SHEESH. She was expecting like 235 even though he was gonna go to Barker anyway. Seriously, what's the big deal. It's only PSLE. It's just a small thing in the grand scheme of things. I believe what matters most is the way you think and your attitude and character. Because that score is not indicative of your capabilities or potential.

OK! Too lazy to argue or think about it any more. Yay he's going to Barker and sort of follow in my big brother footsteps.

Lust

It's so simple and easy to give in. It doesn't help (my virtues in any case) that she flaunts and reveals and beckons. She makes it so easy to go from one step to the next, I mean, have you ever gotten to know her!? But I promised myself. Next month. When I feel more confident of myself. Delay gratification. Fill my heart with even more longing. She WILL be mine.

I deserve it after all. I've been waiting for so long. I just need to be filled with more heartaching desire, hype it up a bit so I can pleasure myself just for that little while. Tempt myself even more. So that when I finally succumb, give in to temptation, she'll be the only one I'll love and it will all be worth it.

Silly Me

It's funny how I sent an email to myself and CCed it to the people I intended it to send to in the first place. Always taking the easy way out eh?

***

COC parade is both a blessing and a bane. On one hand, it sucks to wear long 4 and sweat in it all over again and to be in a damn parade. But on the other hand, it's really quite stressful and requires a lot of focus and attention which is good because it should take my mind off other, ehm, unsavoury things I'd rather not think about right now, even though I DO think but come to the conclusion not to in the future but oh well! That's another story for another day.

HORMATTTT SENJAAAA TAH! One check one BANG!

Don't even get me started on the boots. I'd rather wear heels.

***

It feels really quiet lately. Then again, it's always been that way, not knowing who reads my blog or this and that. But it's okay. It's really for me as much as it is for you. I write because it is a part of me and sharing is a part of me too. I just have to remind myself of who I am sometimes. Just like how I need to remind myself of the larger scheme of things and personal setbacks are minor when viewed at a cosmic perspective.

Make Your Heart Believe A Lie

The Trouble With Love - Kelly Clarkson

Love can be a many splendored thing
Can't deny the joy it brings
A dozen roses, diamond rings
Dreams for sale and fairy tales
It'll make you hear a symphony
And you just want the world to see
But like a drug that makes you blind,
It'll fool ya every time

The trouble with love is
It can tear you up inside
Make your heart believe a lie
It's stronger than your pride
The trouble with love is
It doesn't care how fast you fall
And you can't refuse the call
See, you got no say at all

Now I was once a fool, it's true
I played the game by all the rules
But now my world's a deeper blue
I'm sadder, but I'm wiser too
I swore I'd never love again
I swore my heart would never mend
Said love wasn't worth the pain
But then I hear it call my name

Every time I turn around
I think I've got it all figured out
My heart keeps callin' and I keep on fallin'
Over and over again
This sad story always ends the same
Me standin' in the pourin' rain
It seems no matter what I do
It tears my heart in two

***

I heard the first line during yesterday's sermon and was reminded of this song. Turns out the entire song is everything I'm thinking and feeling.

***

I'm quite the sadomasochist. I'll care and I'll care and I'll care until I can care no more and then I'll be happy.

I'm sorry. Trusting you won't come so easily from now on. But I bear no grudge. It's okay. We're only human. Fallible. Insecure. Vulnerable. Emotional. At least I know can I still feel.

Intangible Wishlist

So how long did it take for me to forget about the Burberry wallet? Hmm, about 3 or 4 months? Yeah. That should do it. Did I ever truly want it in the first place?

Here We Go Again

Once again, I've learnt that it's best not to care so much or give a damn. Or expect anything. Oh well. Easier said than done. La dee da dee da!

But it's been easier to distract myself recently. I've landed myself in a stew of church events planning, Christmas decorations, COC parade, and the plethora of games.

***

Wow. The M16 in MW2 looks really accurate in design except for the handgrip. And what's with the burst fire?

***

I feel like a flasher. Opening, closing, running away. Like a maniac.

***

Had a PRETTY good dinner yesterday night. 3 guys sharing what was meant for 4. And paying quite a sum. But it's all good.

Where to begin

Things are in such the shit right now that I suddenly find myself too tired to even care or talk about it or think about it. It's okay. I don't need you to care. I don't think you ever did anyway.

I'm not surprised. In fact, I think I'm quite used to it. This is how it always ends. Just watching you ebb back into the sea. Just like the rest. Of course it doesn't have to be this way. But it already has.

It's-a Me!

I think I prefer independence and solace more than raucous socializing as the past few days have proved. Now that my brother is back, I have to fight with him over the Xbox again. But I think the next time they'll be overseas will be church camp. Hehe!

I'm in some sort of dilemma right now. I've got GTAIV: Episodes, Dragon Age and Assassin's Creed 2 to finish. And the ever-so-addictive Modern Warfare 2.

AND I WANNA GO SHOPPING!!! And be somebody else.

Decoupled

The time of our innocence has lapsed.

Killstreak

I miss school days. Things were much simpler and narrow in context. They didn't involve so many things, so many people, so many lives. Things had less implications. It was a small world. Things were contained within this microcosm of formal education.

Now. Things are so different. So wide. So deep. It's like eating the fruit of knowledge and knowing that suddenly we're naked and we have to struggle with the concept of survival. It was better to be ignorant and blissful because what else can knowledge bring if not power and burden?

***

I realize that work gives me meaning. I have sort of let myself be defined by my work. And if my work involves intellectual stimulation and rigour, all the better. But nevertheless, I like to think. Thinking helps me forget the pain. It helps to bring life and larger perspectives into focus.

***

Sorry Dragon Age but I'm hooked onto Modern Warfare 2 now! FREAKING AWESOME! My favourite load out is now dual MP5s, throwing knife, smoke grenade, the lightweight, marathon and commando pro perks. This lets me sprint around limitlessly so I will always take the long route and flank around the enemy while they're all headed towards the fire zone and I backstab them one by one and throw my knife. HAHA!

Ahh... But cheese biscuits! I've been telling everyone that I'm so free that people now think I have a lot of time and everyone wants a piece of me from that cursed COC parade (which I ruffled A LOT OF BIG FEATHERS along the way to get in and out and in and out of) and then planning XS events and doing more church stuff. HAHA! I asked for it didn't I? At least my work gives me purpose. Which I like very much. I know I'm contributing to spiritual GDP while I'm at it. HAHA!

***

This doesn't look like what it was before. Things changed.

***

I realize I'm quite enjoying this independence. Well I do miss my family at times - "HAHA ASHBEL DID YOU SEE THAT! I BACKSTABBED 5 GUYS IN A ROW! HOW AWESOME!". But still, organizing my own weekends, buying my own food, getting the xbox ALL TO MYSELF, it's all good. The only thing that needs to be sustained is MONEY and MAID.

***

It's quite felicitous how my spiritual life has suddenly headed towards this vertical asymptote. Ok. I don't see it reaching infinity anytime soon but it's like all of a sudden, things have started to change. It used to be a slightly bumpy flat line but it's reached a whole new level recently. I'm learning a lot of things and starting to see the bigger perspectives. It's all good.

TIME TO PLAY MODERN WARFARE 2! WHOOOOOOO!

Houston...

Ok people! I get the point! I'm just saying! Relax! It's called dreams and ambitions! I'm not EXPECTING but one can certainly dream can he not? If girls can dream about prince charmings and polo boy hunks, I think I have a right to dream about my own future no? Sheesh! Oh and please leave a name. An anonymous source is REALLY credible you know.

And honestly, what do you think I know? I'm still in army and about 2 more years before I matriculate. I don't know anything about law right now. I am aware that I am ignorant but I'm just entertaining a thought. I know you people are concerned that that thought may evolve into a deeply entrenched misconception but relax! I'm more discerning than you give me credit for.

Oh yes. Harvard, Stanford, Yale. Now THAT would be an unrealistic expectation and dream. Unless you would care to fund my education. I'm just happy getting into NUS Law even though it may not be THE ultimate place to get an LLB from but it's not as if I ever thought it was in the first place to begin with. If anything, I am only guilty of being ignorant. It isn't a delusion, it is a speculation. One that wasn't very well informed and one that this anonymous person took too seriously.

And please please leave a name or contact if you could be so willing as to enlighten me about this path I will be taking. Certainly if you're altruistic enough to ground my expectations and dreams in reality, allowing me to be better informed would be one of your concerns I presume?

It's a savage worldwide web out there. Altruistic people really are hard to find these days.

***

So I look back. As if out of indifference. As if I'm bored, waiting for my lunch to be ready. Perhaps it was. Why should I care to see you go? But I catch you. I catch you looking back too. And we both know. It happens so quickly. Within a millisecond. And all is back the way it is. To everyone else, I'm just another famished customer. Waiting. But we both share this tiny minute secret that I'm not even sure it exists. But I'm grinning inside. Smirking.

Like catching a dandelion in the wind. Fleeting. Transient. Meaningless. You and I cease to exist as soon as I walk out the door.

Lie To Me

What's the difference between loneliness and independence? A difference in perspective between lack or gain.

***

Came home from cell to a nearly empty home because my family has gone on a cruise leaving me, my maid and temporarily residing octogenarian grandfather. At least I get my parents' room. Which I think I'm allergic to because I suddenly find myself itching more than usual.

***

I should be careful of what I wish for.

***

I sometimes imagine how my adult life will turn out to be:

I'm a lawyer working in an international law firm (big ambition there!). I own an apartment loft in a chic part of town. Maybe in Manhattan. Maybe in Singapore. I don't know. I live alone. Maybe I have a cat. But I do know I have an awesome entertainment set up. A freaking huge LED TV with Xbox 360 and PS3 (or whatever we'll get in the future). A THX surround sound system. An entire library of games, books, music and movies. Nice comfy leather chair. Brightly lit and wide work station with a MacBook Pro. MY OWN KITCHEN. Maybe a bar. A balcony overseeing the city and some part of the coast. Wood and metal accents. Soft and warm rugs. A walk-in dresser filled with designer labels, Armani suits, Ferragamo shoes, Fendi ties. A private lift to my own garage stocked with a Lamborghini.

Some nights I go clubbing. Some nights I entertain clients at high end restaurants. Some nights I'll have friends over playing Guitar Hero (or whatever we have at that point). Some nights I'm doing community service or participating in church activity. Maybe I'll have dates. Maybe I'll play golf although I would rather tennis. Some nights I'm just at home reading something in my big all-enveloping warm leather chair next to the fireplace crackling and to the tune of a singer songwriter with my cat in my lap asleep and a mug of hot chocolate and marshmallows.

Hmm right. One can dream. Who says I'm all pessimistic huh?

Sparkly wine

Got a call from Reldon while playing some MW2 this morning and he told me about how my name was engraved in on those of award boards or something for doing well in GP bla bla bla. My only impression at that time was, "okay cool!", before moving on to gunning down people. The stark incongruity of it made me realize how the things other people think I have are such a big deal while I don't think they are. And the things that matter to me, people don't find it so important. But like they say, you can't have everything in life!

Ahh... Barker carnival. Overpriced, frozen food prepared by rich male adolescents. Where else but here.

***

I was talking to Jeremy Wee last night at Michelle's 21st and he told me he was going to move to HK to work there for a good 4 or 5 years. He also mentioned about how lawyers get paid pretty well (indeed) and how lawyers in HK and the USA are all paid pretty darn well. That made me realize how broad and global my prospects are.

There's no knowing what the future holds and where it'll lead me. Maybe I'll migrate to the great U.S. of A. or maybe to HK or China or Dubai or I don't know where. But trying to speculate is but a futile attempt. There's no knowing. But it does fill you with a sense of awe and wonder knowing that beyond this fish tank of yours, a bigger ocean is out there waiting.

So it's alright. I don't have to worry about where my life will take me because I know that God has it all planned for me. I don't have to worry about who I'm going to marry, if I even am going to, how many kids I'll have, how much I'll make a year, the people I'll find myself with, the money I'll make, the games I'll play, the way I'll look 20 years from now. It makes everything now seem so darn small and no matter how I throw the die, there's nothing I can do to prepare myself for it.

So I'll just relax and enjoy the heck out of myself in army.

***

The BBQ smell is still in my hair or nose or whatever. It's annoying how it gets into the strangest reaches of your body and no matter where I scrub, I can't get rid of it. I always thought it was behind my ears but it's not there! Maybe it's my eyebrows! I'll shampoo it the next time after a BBQ. Hehe!

***

Michelle's 21st was pretty epic. I do wonder what mine will be like but knowing me, I doubt it's going to be grandiose and flamboyant. An atom of significance is better than a sky of none.

***

MODERN WARFARE 2!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'm currently trading the hot seat between my brother and I. Then there's Dragon Age to finish, GTAIV: Episodes, Assassin's Creed 2 next week. OH GOSH. It's like a never ending orgasm!!!

***

I feel fat. Probably am.

Absolute

"Trust is a two-way street."

Best quote today.

So much to say, nothing I care to elucidate upon right now because the meaning of my words are borne by your cares.

Badumpish

I remember waking up this morning feeling like I needed a terrible amount more of sleep. I'm now left with a numb ache in my head. I hope I fall sick. Sometimes, being healthy just isn't worth it.

***

Went to Pulau Ubin with my unit for some fun day. Involved meeting a lot of random people I've never met before, working with said people, lots of random cycling around and some in the rain, going back to the mess for a really awesome lunch (air force: catered buffet; army: cookhouse buffet. SUCK ASS!). All went pretty well except for the early part in the morning which was marred by something.

Am really frustrated that I was pulled out of the grinder to such great relief, only to be indifferently and uncaringly thrown back in.

For every step forward, it's one a half step backwards.

***

Why does everyone insist on running? Running gets you nowhere. Isn't it about time to grab some balls and face your adversary in the face? Pussies.

***

Finished the campaign of Modern Warfare 2 and my biggest complaint is that I don't understand what's going on at all. Yeah. Some Russian guy wants to blow up the world or something and you hunt him down bla bla bla. Typical story, not very impressive, not very lucid in presentation but fluffed up with plenty of pizzazz.

It lacks a coherent thread that links all the missions together and often times, my motivations aren't clear enough. Why do I have to infiltrate this prison? Why do I have to save these hostages? Why do I have to plant explosives on this fuel tank? What do all these things have any impact on the main story line? Don't know! Don't care!

In fact, it could be argued that the lack of any strong link between the missions whatsoever helps to separate individual missions as unique entities and set pieces. The missions are so varied and epic that after completing each mission feels like a cheese bomb exploded in your mouth and there's you're left feeling really full and satisfied after. (What's with all the gustative metaphors recently!?). Every mission feels so darn epic and action-packed that you're more than willing to just go along for the ride just to experience the thrills and tension, the explosions and action.

Although linear in structure, the missions aren't very repetitive in nature as they'll have you doing different things and executing different kills and killing and blowing up stuff in a myriad of ways that's just never boring. It a blast to play through and thank goodness the achievements are reasonable enough to get. I hated the GoW2 and Halo 3 achievements which were all based on the multiplayer. Like hello! MW2 is more of a multiplayer game than Halo (which has a much stronger story) and 75% of it's achievements are based on the multiplayer? Not cool.

While the game tries to address certain mature themes and wider issues, and it does so very deeply and emotionally in one, I couldn't help just facing the action and aiming for one bad guy to take down after the next. There's not much time for contemplation and frankly, there really isn't much to contemplate at all besides the point it makes that terrorists are bad. And freedom and liberty is all good.

It's obvious that the meat of the game is in the multiplayer, what with such a short campaign mode, and it's something that I'll definitely be going back to again and again because of the string of unlockables and leveling up you can do that makes your progress that much more tangible.

What else is there to say? If you're into it, you most probably have it already. Good stuff people.

Fabled

The recent economic crisis has only proven one thing: free markets can be irrational. In the absence of government intervention, unchecked market forces could only lead to excess and ultimately lead to a market collapse.

It's funny how everyone saw the signs but didn't do anything about it.

***

Black: mysterious, sophisticated, powerful, serious

Cats: cute, independent, perspicacious, deep

***

Not like the rest for my sake or yours?

***

I am the wiser now; that's what mistakes are for.

One Word

Regret.

Should've known better. After so many times, it becomes logic.

Wednesday is the new Monday

It's times like these when I wished I had another Xbox 360 and a TV to go along with it. When blockbuster games are released week after week, with nary any time in between to play them and a brother to contend with, I wished my off days lasted forever.

I love waking up at whatever time I want, sleeping at whatever time I please. I want that freedom. But I think I'm asking for too much. Freedom is and power is finite. God made us that way.

***

Sigh. Another case of caring too much, expecting too much, and hoping too much. It's easier to say not to care, expect or hope, than to actually do. And although I do believe in complete and open honesty, sometimes, it's not that difficult to live up to.

***

MODERN WARFARE 2!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Allegories

It's just like buying stocks and shares. Most of the time, if you don't have an investment in that company, you really wouldn't care whether it goes down or not. You don't care about whether it's making the right moves, investing in the right companies, restructuring in the right direction, managing it's portfolio shrewdly, merging with whoever else you don't care about.

Maybe my economics tutor was right. Investing in stocks and shares really isn't the right thing to do. It's a whole mess of sleepless nights and worries.

***

I feel so untouched
And I want you so much
That I just can't resist you
It's not enough to say that I miss you
I feel so untouched right now
Need you so much somehow
I can't forget you
Been going crazy from the moment I met you

***

I'm going to lock myself up at home for the month of november and december playing the whole bunch of games being released this few months. Goodbye social life! Hello Modern Warfare 2, Assassin's Creed 2, Dragon Age, GTAIV: Episodes, and if I feel like it, Borderlands, Brutal Legends, L4D2, Tekken 6 and Forza 3.

Feel So Untouched

The last time I played a game as engaging and immersive as Dragon Age: Origins was in 2004 or 2005 when Star Wars: Knights of the Old Republic was released. I still remember playing it on a Christmas evening, reluctant to tear myself away from my computer screen for dinner. It was developed by Bioware and 5 years later, I'm still immensely enjoying the worlds Bioware created (although I did spend less time playing Mass Effect because of it's identity crisis).

Dragon Age borrows the best of everything. The traditional fantasy story with dwarves, elves, dragons and magicians are all thrown into the pot but they're given a special twist that lends them a very unique flavour. Elves for example are subdued by the humans, mages are seemingly imprisoned by templars, and dwarves live in a caste society. There are even references to more popular fantasy worlds like Warcraft and LotR but although the references do feel like a rip off sometimes, it feels more familiar and welcome and with more than enough to distinguish itself from the others.

There is just simply SO MUCH to do and kill and see and unravel and discover and characters to interact with. The fantasy world it's set in is expansive and with lots to see and do and monsters to kill. In fact, the reason why I'm so enamored by it is the story. As you travel along and fulfill your destiny, you interact with characters and embark on quests doing the usual fantasy rpg fanfare. But the game always presents you with a plethora of choices to make in completing a certain quest. Nothing is ever as straightforward as it seems and the choices you make really do reflect the type of person you are or the character you're trying to carve out.

In trying to free a village from a werewolf curse, it so happened that I uncovered a sinister plot in which the leader of the village I was trying to save was the one who created the curse in the first place and the leader of the werewolves was not as savage as was originally thought. Eventually, I realized that my quest giver was out to seek vengeance against innocent werewolves and at this juncture, the game forces you to make tough decisions, whether to kill the werewolf leader or the elf leader. It ultimately boils down to what you believe in, following the quest to the letter or standing up for what is "right" or destroying aberrations of nature and so on and so forth. It's a game that forces meaningful and moral choices upon you and I find that in doing so, I actually understand more about my values and morals than I would from reading a book or even in real life sometimes.

It's a story that's beyond good and evil but so much more as you go along, revealing a lot of mature and moral topics to ponder about, presenting you with veritably tough choices to make and questioning your preconceived notions. It is immensely engaging as you feel the impact of your actions shaping not just the character but the world and future around you.

Despite only having 3 main classes: mage, warrior, rogue; the game's character development is a lot deeper than what it seems. Playing as a mage, I have 4 different schools of magic to specialize in such as elemental mage (shoot fireballs), healing, debuff and death magic. Different magic spells can be combined to achieve different effects such as shattering frozen targets (instant KO) and all of this adds a lot of depth to the gameplay and combat. Besides that, there are other skills to level up too like conversation persuasion, potion making, trap making, poison making. My only gripe is that leveling up feels like it takes quite a while and is never really satisfying enough to make me feel that much more powerful.

Another issue I have is the difficulty. On normal, the game is difficult enough that you have to be very tactical in the approaching battles and micro-manage all your characters' skills and abilities and so on. But when I change it to easy (thankfully on the fly), it becomes REALLY easy that I can just sit back, do nothing and let my party kill everyone. Normal is really stressful but easy is just a walk in the park.

The graphics look terribly dated, unfortunately. It looks like a slight improvement over Knights of the Old Republic from 2005 and unlike Bioware's most recent RPG Mass Effect which had extremely gorgeous characters and facial animations. Nevertheless, it didn't do much to mar the experience and they it's imperfections were readily forgiven in light of superlative story and gameplay depth.

I'm usually averse of RPGs. The Xbox 360's RPG poster boy, Fable 2, did not do much to capture my attention and I tired of it very quickly. Mass Effect didn't interest me that much too because I had trouble figuring out whether to play it as a shooter or as an RPG and the story wasn't very compelling.

There's so much more to talk about Dragon Age and I would gladly talk about it but I think I'm past my due seeing how long a post this has been and how we're living in a "pancake generation" (allusion to an old GP compre!) so you not going to bother to read this or just skim through this post. Summary: Dragon Age: Origins is a fantastic RPG, a genre that I don't play much of.

***

Recipe of Adriel's chili cheese fries:

Minced beef

Onion

Garlic

Cumin

Chili powder

Salt and pepper

EVOO (HI RACHEL RAY!)

Peppers

Hot sauce

Beer

Tomato paste & puree

Mozarella cheese

Fries

1) Saute minced beef until brown

2) Add veggies to pot

3) Add the spices and hot sauce

4) Add the tomato paste + puree

5) Add the beer

6) Simmer on low heat

7) Serve on top of fries and top with cheese

***

Yeah... And nothing is ever as simple or straightforward as you thought it to be. Cold apathy can be so inviting sometimes.

I've warned myself before. It's not worth it. I'm falling for the same trap all over again. Haha, hypocrite and a fool.

Jalapeno peppers don't come to Singapore

I made my own bowl of chili today. It was HOT. And it went REALLY well with beer. And I liked the butterscotch after taste.

I am quite hooked on clubbing music all of a sudden: Pitbull's Hotel Room Service, PCD's Hush Hush; and Flo Rida's Jump. Never mind the quality of the music, it's upbeat and very very danceable.

I feel fat. Beer makes me feel fat. I am swearing off beer!!!

I added Hoegarden to my chili today but it seemed too light. So guys, I'm adding Guiness Stout for the chili I'm making this weekend. How about that :D

I'm too sleepy and drowsy to blog in proper sentences. And I know my life is pretty awesome compared to the people I've grown so close to.

Damn it. I need to exercise. Running once a week is PATHETIC. All I do in work everyday is sleep, slack around, eat, sleep, slack around. TOO SEDENTARY. I'm going to gain back all my fats! NEED TO GYM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'm going to do pull ups tomorrow. I better still be able to do 12. Although the rain is an EXCELLENT excuse not to exercise.

WHEEEEEEE! WHOOOZY!

The Case for Modesty, in an Age of Arrogance

The Case for Modesty, in an Age of Arrogance

An excellent essay I read about the pressing need for humility and modesty in society today. I wonder how many people will actually read this and appreciate this as much as I did.

Not The Life

I've been so relaxed and free that this sudden onslaught of obligations is quite jarring and potentially depressing.

I know I've embraced responsibility in church but now I have two separate obligations to fulfill. It's just that in times like these, I have to exercise impartiality and fairness based on who came first and owe the most to.

... Great. A terse reply. A two worded letter loaded with emotion and ambiguity. Those two words didn't really allay my anxieties and concerns as they were intended to. Somehow, I wish that people would understand the magnitude of the opportunity cost, the significance of it, but I feel that when I try to explain, I may be construed as sounding self-righteous and pretentious, or it just gets downplayed. In the end, no one others and I'm walled in on both sides.

When was this supposed to happen? I know I have an obligation to the divine and eternal yet I also have an obligation to my own word. Seriously, what would you have me do? I can't possibly cancel everything at the 11th hour to fulfill one obligation over the other. Either way, it's not going to leave a good feeling. I'm already not making a good impression so I hope you'll give me a chance. I just hope that people don't construe me as being partial to hedonism and leisure over duty and responsibility. I'm quite cognizant of what you guys think so please.

In the end, I'm the only one who understands my own words and not you. Life is suddenly thrown into vacillation and ambivalence. Somehow, I know this will be a lesson on who to serve first and foremost.

***

Fine. I'll explain it in plain English because I'm sure no one can figure out what on earth I really mean.

Class party was supposed to be last saturday. But I had church anniversary and my parents wanted me to go so I moved it to this saturday. Just so happens that the schedule for this month came out and I was down for escort duty this saturday. But lo! The opportunity came for me to have my escort last sunday thus freeing up this saturday. But lo! I get an email this week informing me that there's a youth ministry exco meeting this saturday before combined cell (I recently accepted being part of the events committee for the youth ministry exco). And my other events partner also can't make it because she has to tutor her student who has As next week!

Comparing both our reasons for not attending, prima facie, mine seems more superficial because it's all fun and games while she's actually helping someone's future. But at the same time, I promised my class first and jumped through lots of hoops for this saturday. However, in all impartiality, I have to go with the one I promised first and have more people on the line. I know it's also not innocuous to skip this exco meeting which is really important but what choice do I have? Such a conundrum. I know it's not going to be tough and I wasn't expecting any less. But I just hope the relevant people see my motivations and reasoning behind this.

Creole sounds like a type of pasta

At first, it was really intimidating seeing all these real NUS students on the bus. Do they know I'm crashing? Am I over dressed? Do I look too young? Too nervous? Too unfamiliar? Too anxious?

Then began the wait. I see familiar faces. And more faces. I hope no one else sees me. Waiting at the bus stop is too conspicuous! Oh please please, don't let me see those I don't want to! Look busy messaging people on your phone! Where are you? I'm here! And the one I want to see arrives.

Relief. So far so good. This place looks familiar! I've been here before! For some econs rubbish competition last year. Okay. Walking up the steps, pleasant morning thus far, and then BAM! Hi! Fake smiles, fake greetings. Totally reminded of snafu. What luck. But never mind. Over before I know it.

Walking into the lecture theatre. What!? Japanese music video playing on the screen. What lecture is this? English language. Right. Find a seat. Settled in. Somehow all feels so familiar. Yet. It's Gothic. Defamiliarization is taking place. The setting is uncanny. A palimpsest I'm writing over.

But it's not so bad. The accent is funny. She starts talking. SVO, Subject Verb Object. Sounds like EVOO, Extra Virgin Olive Oil. Creole. Pidginization. Wuh?! Goo goo, ga ga. Baba black sheep. This is pointless. And boring. Oh I see her! And her! Oh Leanne just walked in! That guy's from Barker!

Thinking about how unlucky I am. Wondering what is the point of learning all this. Realized staying at home and playing computer games is so much more fun. But learning random stuff like that is interesting. Mmm. Law. Like a mudpie with a generous sprinkling of walnuts and almonds. Slathered in sinfully thick chocolate sauce. Drizzled in marshmallow sauce and topped with whipped cream. So damn thick I think I'd die of cardiac arrest.

Oh look! More videos! Uni lectures are so much more fun than JC lectures! Now some dude is coming up, telling us about English linguistics. Uh what? I can pronounced my "three"s and "tree"s perfectly well thank you. More stuff about phonology and phonetics. Ok. All good to know but I'm sorry. My heart's already in Law. And that big fat paycheck. Tee hee!

***

I know I've wasted my time. I've known this a long time ago. But maybe I'm just too bored. Too sentimental. Too hopeful. Too foolish. But I think you have me convinced unequivocally. I'm moving on. It's what you told me to. But I don't regret what I did. I'm proud of my own character and who I am. I can't say the same for you.

Someone To Save Me

Seriously. I'm in half of a mind to study business admin (HAHA! TAKE THAT PEOPLE WHO EXPECT ME TO BE A LAWYER AND EARN 80K A YEAR EXCLUDING 13 MONTH BONUSES) and set up my own gaming retailer and distributor simply because I CAN'T FIND GTAIV: EPISODES FROM LIBERTY CITY ANYWHERE! And all the retailers say that they haven't heard a word from the supplier bla bla bla...

Ahhh! I've got a plan!

Maybe I can try for the biz ad and law double degree! WHOAAAAA.... Let me get my feet wet with Law first before I start pulling off such crazy stunts! HAHAHAHA!

***

Tee hee, tickle my fancy.

***

I'm starting to sound like a desperate girl.

I Think I May

How much do you even care? Should I even care?

People Book Chalets, We Book Hotel Rooms

Nutshell:

St Regis Hotel, Barker friends; butler at our beck and call; freaking awesome shower with full length mirror to totally check yourself out; tennis, gym, swim, complimentary iced water and fruit poppers; luxury 6 star hotel room and service; lots of guys; flatter stomach than Roy and QX; free coffee and butler shoe polish; intimate kit; dinner; Mr Chia; poker; alcohol, 50 year old cognac; clubbing.

Went to rebel, zirca and lunar for free. Saw all kinds of shit happening and laughed at the inanity of the things people do when intoxicated, saw a lot of sleaze, leopard PREEENTS, witnessed grinding action right next to me and bumped into them a few times, sluts, smoke, ridiculously loud thumping bass-y music, did NOT grind anyone, needed to be high, $7.50 cab fare home (WHOO!).

3 and a half hours of sleep.

***

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