I knew you

I don't want to write into the ether but this has to go somewhere.

I feel incredibly shocked. At a loss for words. It's almost impossible to accept. I'm still trying to accept it right now. I want to know that I will still see you on Sunday. I want to you that you'll still be around. But it's not even a lost relationship. I'm sorry you aren't around any more.

Nothing in life prepared me for this. And calling it a loss just cheapens the emotions behind the pain. I cannot even begin to imagine what she must be feeling right now. You died way too young. And only God knows. Only God can choose. And I honestly find it so difficult to reconcile and believe that God chose for you to die at this time. Just one year after you got married. It's incredibly unfair and heartbreaking at the same time and it feels like the only way to deal with it is to really cry.

Even though I hardly knew you, you were always warm and sincere and genuine. You knew how to brighten a room or make someone smile. You were generous with your kindness and love. And I really cannot imagine what she must be feeling right now. I want to lament that you are gone but the disbelief is a struggle to overcome. I don't even know how to react or rationalise how I'm supposed to feel. I can't view it with the cold heart and passionless eyes of a lawyer because these feelings are too raw to comprehend. I don't know. I really don't.

And it sucks really. That it takes a loss to make me realise how much you take for granted the people around you. It shouldn't have to. IF this hurts I can't even begin to imagine how a death of someone closer will make me feel. I really just pray that you are truly and honest-to-God in heaven right now. I cannot believe in any other conception of the afterlife. I don't know what God's plan is in all this and I can only hope and pray that you are free from the chains of 'life' and are living on in eternal life where you truly belong.

It's so damn easy to take things for granted and be single-mindedly focused on your own life. But something like this really reminds you how easy it is to lose it all. And how much people truly matter in your life.

All these stupid problems and simple joys are pitiful in the light of your death. How do people move on with such a wide gaping hole in their hearts? I don't think they ever do.

What is all this worth?

Whatever I'm doing certainly cannot compare to being incarcerated in jail, that's for sure. I know I should put in my best effort and find a way to reduce her sentence. But what is it all worth in the end? What am I fighting for?

Is she really going to repent and turn over a new leaf? Why do I feel that the prosecution cannot make out a charge of S394 so adamantly that I feel like I have to do all this research and try to make a case? What's the point if she's going to return to drugs and crime at the end of her sentence?

I'm not sure what I'm supposed to feel right now. Is this righteousness? Is this justice? What end or purpose is all this for? Should I feel indignant that the others can't even be bothered to try to reduce a charge? Yes we've been assigned as counsel. But is it really worth fighting for? I know it's not supposed to be something for my own personal benefit. But what is it for? Am I really doing her good if she gets a few years off jail? Am I doing society any good?

What am I doing?

Disinterest

Looking for someone to go to SMUN 2013 with is an exercise in futility. You'd think Law students would be a bit more enthusiastic about something like that but no! It makes me wonder why some people come to Law school for and it's starting to feel like it's merely for pecuniary reasons. It feels like nobody cares about learning; things only matter if it helps my grades and gets me a 2.1, if not, I'm not going to bother with all these other rubbish.

It's this kind of attitude that people have that makes me feel so bloody jaded about the education system and society in general in Singapore. It just goes to show how self-serving and culturally-deficient this society is; how disinterested people are in current affairs and world news because they only care about themselves. It feels like the study of law has devolved into a mean to a wealthy end.

I get that people have to make ends meet, that people want to make lots of money, live in big houses and drive big cars. But if that's all people are ever going to aspire to, I find that a society like that will implode on itself in the end.

This paucity of global awareness is awfully frightening. People in Law school don't really give a shit about current affairs and will only read something if it benefits them directly. It's what makes some of these people so lifeless and pathetic. Can people just transcend this mentality of getting good grades and making money already? You'd think that 20 years in this education system, having gone through GP, has resulted in some maturity and independence of thought but no... Some people just want to be equipped with a Law degree so they can get a well-paying job. It's pathetically superficial.

Another concern was appearing geeky/nerdy. It's like SMUN is uncool but getting drunk at clubs, picking up women and getting laid, or getting rough and dirty in a rugby scrum is "cooler". I don't understand this mentality. I need to find someone who appreciates arts and culture and has some sense of global awareness.

Yes, all those things are fun and exciting but so utterly shallow and puerile.

And seriously, all you reply with is a terse no. It implies such a deep disinterest in the activity itself or even in what I do that I wonder how the hell we became friends in the first damn place. And it's not even the lack of interest that gets to me. It feels like I can't trust you any more. And that distrust is the cancer of any relationship, growing to become a malignant tumour that results in severing the limb.

I knew this clique shit was doomed. It started off well. It started off because we gave each other a chance. And now it feels like you've condemned my trust. Or perhaps, never gained your trust to begin with. I feel like being a part of this only highlights how apart we all are. I feel like a mere utility, serving some purpose for your own selfish end.

I don't think we'll survive this.

Back Again

What am I supposed to expect? Cheers and fanfare and fireworks? Naw. I'm doing this for my own sanity and humanity. But my, how things have changed.

I guess I decided to go back to Blogger in the end because the LJ was annoying with the amount of ads it was shoving in my face. And partly because of how enduring this site is. I mean, after all these years, all my posts are still around! It's like a part of me that's always there for me to return to.

I realize how much I need to blog and just pause and think once in a while. Ever since school started, or perhaps ever since I left JC, life has just been an endless whirlwind of I don't even remember what. It's like running a race with no direction and without pausing for a breath or to take stock of what has actually gone by, or where I am. I'm sick of feeling lost in time, displaced from any sense of direction and purpose. Displaced from history. I guess I got a little scared when I couldn't even remember what I did last summer break. Things just go by way too fast and even stopping to take a break is a ill-afforded luxury.

I still remember blogging even while I was in Cambridge. Aggie was next to me then, watching me type. How things have changed. How we've moved on in life. I guess that's the best part about this pace - you move on so quickly you don't even have time to dwell on the past or your mistakes. And maybe that's the scary part: you don't get the opportunity to learn from those mistakes, learn from the past. And all I'm becoming is just a robot, processing cases and figuring out how to answer hypos. It's ridiculous! It's like I'm drowning in a sea of equity and trying to make sense of an infinite number of cases that really can't be made sense of (au contraire sayeth the academics).

Ok so where am I now?

Internships: I just got the rejection letter from AGC although I did get Drew and Patrick Tan a couple of weeks ago. Can't say I'm not disappointed (too many double negatives!) but I shall ultimately rely on God's plan in faith. He gave me the assurance that he would take care of me and what reason do I have to doubt? All things work out for the good of those who love Him.

Exams: Freaking the shit out over Equity and Publc Law. Worst sem ever. I have 3 more days to study HALF the syllabus. Seriously ridiculous. Studied so much today I couldn't even understand what people were telling me at the end of the day. I was just nodding away and asking people to repeat themselves cos my brain just switched off when I heard constructive trust.

And ANOTHER rejection but whatever! What doesn't kill you makes you stronger! Moving on faster than the speed of light!

UGH. Ok I can't think of much to write right now. But yes, I'm going to start blogging again. PROMISE.

Take Me Away

I've kinda fallen from the zenith of my JC person when I was far more organized to the mess that is my life right now. Come to think of it, my life was quite the mess back then too but it was a whole different mess.

The crux of the problem is definitely laziness. I need to organize my stuff, clear out the rubbish and all the stuff I don't need. There's no filing system whatsoever for all the "general stuff" in my life. There's no more Geog or English or Math file any more and somehow, the virtue of filing and organizing things hasn't transplanted into the other areas of my life. Things like invoices, warranties, receipts, manuals.

I need to sort out my clothes too. Too much unwanted stuff that just keeps accumulating and accumulating. I'm just lazy. Jaded. Apathetic. I have a serious lack of passion and nothing ever seizes my interest for an extended period. I'm hoping Law (and maybe debates) will be that but I think there's a fundamental concern which I have to address first and that is my fear of passion.

I NEED passion. It's not as if I don't try to find something to do that will keep me interested and passionate about. I do like to play games, occasionally cook, go out and stuff. But my life lacks the kind of zest that would make everyday worth living to the fullest. I'm always buying new games, new books, new music and it only goes so far.

Maybe that's why I find such fulfillment in doing work. It takes my mind off unpleasant things. It gives me focus, meaning, motivation. But then there comes a point where I just find myself completely burned out, or place too much meaning on something or someone and it just throws my whole life into disarray.

And that just makes me afraid to be passionate about anything. I'm afraid to fail, to be disappointed, of inadequacy. I want to do something right hundred percent of the time and be proud of my niche. But that's unrealistic because failure is an inalienable part of life. You can't expect every single endeavour to be a success because we're human, we're prone to err, we're fallible. But somehow, it just feels that I need that to make me feel like I've accomplished something; something that I can be proud of.

That's not to say I'm not proud of myself. I recognize that I'm unique in the way I am and you'll be hard pressed to find someone else who thinks like me and behaves like me. This self-aware, conscious individual. I'm proud of what I've been born with. But I'm not exactly proud of what I've done with it and the way I've been living my life. I need that something and I've just been hopping from one pursuit to another that ultimately, everything seems so meaningless if my passion in that area is not solid.

I've seen what passion can do to people. How it can make their life utterly miserable and ruin everything, reducing them to husks of their former self. I've been on that end for a long time now. But on the flip side, it's not much better seeing how I'm just drifting day to day without much thought or meaning. Basically just bumming around. Not that that is necessarily a bad thing seeing how I expect my next few years to be extremely pressurizing and stressful. But feeling so bored, lethargic, lifeless. It's not how I want to be either.

And being passionate about people is just courting disaster. I've been disappointed so many times over I don't even want to think about it. Way too unpredictable. But strangely, it seems like that's the easiest thing to be passionate about. But I sure know that passion only lasts for so long. Still, I'd take some than have none. Assuming I can even get some.

But I'm reminded to trust in God. I know God does the impossible and I know God will make a way. My only question is when. Somehow, I know everything's going to be the way God planned. Somehow, I know that God will always come true. I may not see it now and I may feel this way but God has a purpose. It's just crazy what God has done for me and it's only afterwards that I do realize.

So right now, I'm just trying to make my life more productive. I'm consuming too much and not producing at all. And it's not as if I'm consuming all the right things either. I have to give more. I have to do more. But I'm feeling so lazy right now that all I want to do is just sleep. Sleep until the moment where I know what my life's direction is and just wake up instead of just aimlessly trudging around figuring out what to do next.

Agenda: Learn driving. Clear out the junk in my room. That's it for now.

I don't know when I'm ever going to reopen this blog again. I realised I closed it because it just didn't matter, on the surface, whether it was open or not. A million and one people could have read it but no one said a thing about what they read and I'm just wondering what's the use if no one wants to talk about the things I feel or think about. Am I right? Am I wrong? That's the whole point. I don't know. But it's not as if people are going to help enlighten me on that.

This isn't a blog to entertain. It's a personal blog that reveals my deepest emotions (which I try to obfuscate) and thoughts. It's by no means the kind of thing you make small talk about and that's the way it's meant to be. It's just that there is no other. No one talks about it. So I'll say this again. I'm tired of wearing my heart on my sleeve and letting people have insight into my life and person while nobody cares to talk about any of that sort of thing.

Hopefully if you're reading this, you do care.

Omega

Talking to myself in direct form feels really weird so I'll just say this, sans all the trappings, that you can get over anything and adapt to anything. So don't be sad when you lose something or don't be too happy when you gain something because they don't last forever. Not even this blog.

All I Need Is Perspective

Sunday's sermon wasn't exactly enlightening or mind-bending. It didn't reveal any shocking revelations for me but what it did was to really reinforce a principle I generally find lacking in my, and everyone else's really, life - perspective.

While the guest speaker generally focused on us trying to see things from God's perspective, I think it is imperative that we try to see things from the perspectives of others too. A lot of times, we're just so insistent on our own way, our own thinking, perspective, mindset; effectively closing our mind to anything else. It's easy to judge, jump to conclusions, assume, run with our emotions and gut feeling. It's so much easier than to listen and try to understand and accept with love where someone else is coming from.

A lot of times we take things out of perspective; out of the context that things were said, actions were done, reactions caused. And many other times, we're just not seeing things from the perspective of others. We criminalize terrorists, damning them without bothering to understand their perspectives; we judge people based on what we hear, not understanding their motives and motivations behind their actions; we act based on the little on what we know, because sometimes it's just so difficult to understand someone else - it takes too much time, deviates from what we want to believe, or just can't be bothered.

So before I embark on a course of action, I remind myself to think of things from the perspectives of others. To try and understand where they come from before I make my own judgement or conclusion. Otherwise, I should just give others the benefit of the doubt. And I need to put myself in the perspective of others too.

Meaning

I realize that I'm quite an aberration from the norm. Wait, how do I put this without sounding stupid.

I recognize that I am different. But I recognize that there are also common traits and perspectives that people share. But I am different in the way I think, different in the way I perceive, different in the way I express myself. And when it gets interpret by someone sitting opposite me, it can be construed in a negative light when no such intention was contrived in the first place. And so, that brings me to believe that I am wholly unique to the extent of conflicting against the running thread of the world philosophy.

People don't always see eye to eye. So much so that when concurrence arises, it should be a cause for celebration. But I just seem to be someone really difficult to understand in that I package my ideas in a different way that people may not like.

And I'm sorry but it seems like something that is impossible to change or just too difficult to. Let's just say I'm waiting for someone who can.

***

It's really strange to be so involved in something new and with so many things changing, it, firstly, reminds me that the future is never readable. There is absolutely no knowing what is around the corner. And secondly, I just really need something stable and consistent in my life. Which is why I really appreciate my office life, my family, my room. All these things are familiar. And I want to choose when to change things up. I want to move my life at my own pace. I guess what I want is power and control. Over my own life that is.

Testify To Love

All the colors of the rainbow
All of voices of the wind
Every dream that reaches out
That reaches out to find where love begins
Every word of every story
Every star in every sky
Every corner of creation lives to testify

For as long as I shall live
I will testify to love
I'll be a witness in the silences when words are not enough
With every breath I take I will give thanks to God above
For as long as I shall live
I will testify to love

From the mountains to the valleys
From the rivers to the sea
Every hand that reaches out
Every hand that reaches out to offer peace
Every simple act of mercy
Every step to kingdom come
All the Hope in every heart will,speak what love has done

***

Just realized this font is Georgia.

***

Mmm, I've blogging a lot less. There's really nothing much to say knowing that I'm only talking to myself and no one else will be reading this. But I think I need this privacy. I'm so sick of opening my heart and showing others my emotions, being vulnerable and all that shit.

Suddenly, I feel that I should choose who deserves to know what I'm really feeling. Watch me fade away and become invisible. I'll only be there if you want me to be there. Otherwise, you're not going to catch me with my heart unguarded.

***

I think it's pretty amazing seeing the improvements in my stamina in the past few consecutive days that I've been going running. I manage to go further and further each time and I hope I can go back to the fitness level I achieved in SISPEC.

***

Borderlands really is pretty fun. Running around, shooting stuff, finding guns, shooting stuff, doing quests, finding guns, shooting more stuff, leveling up, shooting more stuff in more ways.

No Moves

I realize I quite like going for my dental appointment every month because I get to patronize the Sun Moulin bakery at the basement of Lido. I just think their breads and cakes are superlative and no matter how uncomfortable tightening my braces may be, I will still eat the "butterfly" sandwich which is basically egg mayo and tuna mayo ensconced nicely between ham and bread. And it's cheaper than the crappy sandwiches you get at 7-11.

***

Wow, Festergut and Rotface looks hard. I think Putricide will be pretty tough too.