Outcome of my life

Hey guys it's been so long since I blogged ever since my results day. Working life has been so far so good the best working experience I've had with my colleagues from Holland Village but....... Sad new's that I'll have to separate from those guys and head to the killer place > Ion.

My mood has been exceptionally bad for the past 2 days..... I wonder why. I really just guess that perhaps my hormones are really everywhere I can't seem to differentiate what's right from what's wrong. And yes, this leads me to the topic of my blogpost today, "Outcome of my life"


I always wanted someone to stick around, someone to cuddle, someone to talk to. Perhaps you might say that I just needed a companion. But no, it wasn't just a companion that I needed. I needed someone who was able to accept my flaws, my past, my lifestyle, and every other thing you can think of. 3 years ago, my wish came right true. God sent me this amazing and beautiful person in my life and our relationship wasn't what I expected it'd be. It lasted longer than I predicted and we had so much enjoyments and joys together. It came to the point whereby even if it was just a simple night at home, making Italian spaghetti, sipping on a cold drink and watching movies with our arms around each other........ I could never ask for more because at that point of time, "Blessed" was the only word that could describe that moment. I thank god for giving me that chance to understand and experience what "True Love" really meant.

Gradually, things became to turn pretty bad......... and I lost the person I loved the most. Yes I definitely suffered for the first few months. Why did I mentioned "suffered"? Well, because putting on a smile everywhere you go takes so so so much effort because at that point of time, I'd rather be dead than feel empty. Everywhere I went left me reminiscing the past and all it does is to make my heart wrench so fucking badly and the pain was unbearable. I tried to find for a companion I could really talk to from the bottom of my heart, but then I realized I've already lost my companion.

The worst that could ever happen is to see the one you love, loving another. Or or maybe replacing you over someone that's probably worse than you. As cliche as it sounds, but it's true. I was replaced by someone whom I didn't thought I'll get replaced for. They said if you really wanted something, you should fight for it till it's yours. But I prioritized the happiness of the person I loved, because i believed if letting go would bring more happiness, I wouldn't hesitate a bit though it tears me apart, I know it's for the good.


Life as a single was helluva boring. Ironically, I did have plenty of me-times and figure out if I should give another shot into getting the person I loved back in my life. I finally had a taste of what "Freedom" really was. I'm not saying this because I did not have freedom back then, I said it because I finally knew what it was like to do things freely and to do things, alone. Truthfully, I do have subconscious thoughts of the past but it wasn't haunting me as how it used to....... Improvement? I guess not.


One day on an ordinary night, I got a text that said "I needed to talk to you, but I didn't have the chance to. Can we talk?" My heart pounded. I didn't know what to expect and clearly didn't see that coming. We wanted to know how life has been for the couple of months after the break up, as I typed that long essay out...... Yup my eyes constantly shredded tears and turned swollen. When we decided to meet up, we gave each other a long, tight hug. It was so much similar to a thousand words behind that hug. It made me cry more.

When I looked into that teary eyes, all I could see was pain. I asked for an explanation, why was she feeling "Pain" when the one that left was her? I was given an explanation and, I gave in to it. I knew
that I really loved this girl because after all she had done to me, I still chose to look at the positive side of her and was willing to forgive her for what she had done.

**Up to this point, if you think that I'm a fucking brainless piece of pea or something similar to a stupid dumbfucker, please do not exit, and read more to the end.**


She gave me a reason to believe that this time round, she has changed and is willing to make it up to the shit she has done to me. I was, obviously, over the moon because I knew that I had the person I loved most, back in my arms. And what made it better was that I was able to call her "Mine." Our days like this passed, it was back to the good old times when we cuddled while watching movies,
whipping up dishes together and simply taking care of each other whenever and wherever. I swore that I would give anything for time to stop at that point of time. That happiness, the laughter we had and our smiles were so genuine. Nothing felt fake and I.felt.so.blessed.i.could.not.ask.for.more.


But... I knew work was starting and I knew that my schedules would be packed like hell..... But I've no say in that. 1 week of work has passed, things have been so different. It has been a very cold and "fake" meet up. Why so? I felt like I couldn't believe her words anymore. Her actions, her words.... It just doesn't.... Work out. I don't know what to do. It's like history's repeating itself again, or or it's like you're reading the book all over again, when you know how the ending's like. Be it tragic, or happily ever after.

So right now, I'm still in a dilemma. I'm not sure if it's right for me to give up on someone I love probably more than myself, someone who has been there for me for 3 years, someone so dear to me, I can't lose her. But, I'm so drained. I know this battle is gonna stop somewhere and someone has to initiate it first. As much as I don't want to, I guess it's for the best. A part of me don't ever want us to stop talking, but I think it's for the best.

I miss the person you were when we just knew each other. I miss the devoted and loving you, and it stings, just thinking of the past. I gave you a chance to make it up, but i guess you've already let that chance slip, long ago. I wanna continue loving you, because I always strive to do my best to give you the best, but ultimately it still isn't enough. I cannot hang on any longer, I'm giving up.

I've tried my best but you couldn't see the best side of me, I'm sorry but I'm tired of continuing this. I don't wanna be a second choice anymore.

I love you so much, but do you? x