hmmmm.. been a while.. been quite busy to update..

school.. busy with preliminary assignment before school started and after school started, been busy with studies and now that school has ended, am going to be busy with final assignment again.

work.. never ending lesson plans are also adding up to my workload. weeks after weeks of lesson plans, running out of ideas what to do with my kids, got to find time to source for activities to entertain them, letting them lean in an exciting way. next few events to celebrate will be children's day and their graduation concert.. their dance.. no idea how i'm going to complete the dance and teach the children..

performance.. ndp has ended, signergy performance has ended as well.. whats next? i've got no idea..

home.. never ending of household chores.. somebody save me.

friends.. finding time in between my busy schedules to meet up with different groups of friends.. helping friends in his swimming event, going colleague house for raya visiting, meeting up with childhood friend and his cousin (my 8 years of tuition teacher) to celebrate teachers day. going to meet up with secondary school friends this coming monday.. and going out with a secondary school senior next sat too..

life.. so far so good.. been slightly too occupied to think about any other things.. been trying to find time to get some reading done. make used of the time right after school ended to catch up on my shows.. bought so many books but has yet to finish reading them.. room has seem to run out of storage place for my books.. got to find some time to do my exercising too.. putting on some weight.. not a good thing.. got to find time to get out to take in some fresh air..

previously has thought of so many things to update.. but while writing, all the things just ran out of my mind.. hmm.. ohh.. have been thinking if i should change line and do some other job.. feels like my life shouldnt be stuck in a place for so long.. 9 hours per day in the same place, same routine. getting a bit tired of this.. feels like getting a job that requires me to travel here and there, such as event management, hotel management, tourism etc.. feels like getting a PR job that expose me to different kinds of people. no idea what i should do yet, plus the fact that i will be bonded in this sector till i'm like 25? or probably open a childcare of my own.. hmm.. so much to consider..

First time blogging in a playground. Such a different feeling typing a post in the playground. Tuition starting at 830pm cause the Malays have to break fast and says their prayers and by the time everything ends its gonna be quite late. Starting tuition late means ending tuition late? Hmm.. Will try to end it ASAP which means no side tracking, no break at all. So, starting tuition later also means that I have more free time, thus, explaining why I'm at the playground now. And this playground holds lots of memories for me. A place I used to play years ago when I was younger, when I'm still staying here. Remember there used to be a maze right beside my house where my brothers and I with our neighbours used to played and gather during moon cake festival. We will bring down moon cakes, tea, yam and of course not forgetting our paper lanterns. The lanterns that we brought has to be made of paper so that we can burn it after playing with it. Remember us going into the maze and sometimes getting lost in it. Especially me, the only girl there and the smallest one there. I will never forget my fear of entering too deep into the maze, and the things my brother used to tell me before I enter, " if you're lost, just hold your lantern high up in the air and we will come and look for you." and my fear of the fire extinguishing after I stepped into the maze. Despite having the fears, we always had fun during this special occasion.

Looking at my surrounding now and much has changed. The environment has changed the people has changed too. The maze is no longer there, our neighbours, no longer as close, as we grow older. Even as a family, our sibling relationships have also drifted. We still talk, but no longer that speech of concern and care. How time flies and how things have changed. If only everything will just stay the same, which is impossible?

Right. Enough of reminiscing the past. Just some updates of life. Whole of  last week only went out on Monday night to go for signergy rehearsal. The rest of the days either went home early or went down to my mum shop (quite some time nv travel down after work). And every time I went down, I'm sure to buy some food down to eat. Bought Taiwanese food, bought strudel ( banana with choc syrup, durian and apple). Was craving for strudel on fri and decided to buy it right after work and share it with my mum, don wanna live my life with regrets, so got craving straight away went to buy it le.. Especially liked the banana with choc syrup and durian flavour de! Very delicious. Sat went down to NDP with min jiang, dropping by bugis first to have lunch and walked around buying stuff, spending quite a bit there. =X then train down to cityhall to skate to F1 pit. Saw Wilson, Olivia, Marcus and ji sheng on the way there. Rehearsals ended with quite a heavy downpour for a while. Reached home that night with a terrible sore throat and slept my way through for the whole of sun, waking up at 11 to go for lunch, reach home at 2 and slept all the way to 4, woken up and went down to skate for a while reached back home at 6 and slept all the way till 9 waking up for dinner and some readings. Was feeling terrible for the whole day and mon went to work unwell too. Gulp down different kinds of medicine, holding on till end of work, cab home, pop pills again and went back to sleep again waking up around 10 plus for some readings again, skipping dinner, no appetite at all, oh wells.

So today woke up feeling better le, then went to work as per normal, but having no voice to shout at the children and they totally ignored me today. :( so just let them do problem sums to keep them occupied during their free time. Lucky all of them managed to complete it by themselves. :) like the sense of  satisfaction to see my children being able to complete work by themselves, which means they learnt and understand my lessons. :)

Time's almost up. Gotta go teach tuition. Wish I can just sit and stay here for a little longer. It actually  feels quite good to be here, at this point of time.

"对你不好的人，你不要太介意，没有人有义务要对你好；你学到的知识，就是你拥有的武器，可以白手起家，但不可以手无寸铁；你怎么待人，并不代表别人怎么待你，如果看不透这一点，只会徒增烦恼；亲人只有一次的缘分，好好珍惜，下辈子，无论爱与不爱，都不会再见。"——梁继璋《给孩子的备忘录》”

Hmmm.. I'm so sorry if I've been cold towards anybody recently.. Was not in the best of mood.. Too much thoughts running through my mind.. And I guess one of my weakness is to express my thoughts, sharing my feeling with people, thus keeping everything to myself and feeling so miserable.. So here I am blogging again, the only place to let my thoughts be known.. Don't really know where to start so I shall start with another one of my weaknesses which is to overthink things. I may not have much general knowledge and seems like a child at times, but the thing is I do think about things, especially things that people have said and reflect upon them. It's just that I don really speak up so people do not know that I actually think. And sometimes, I just think too much that I overthink about things, finding faults with myself and ends up getting all moody, not talking to anyone. Always starting out thinking about the positive stuff, the possible stuff but eventually negative thoughts starts to set in. What I would have once thought possible might just be impossible after all. So, recently met up with a few seniors, from hi club and also from inline skate.. I guess the reason for meeting up was actually for the performances coming up? Going to have a performance with the hi club people on the 26 august, and also performance for NDP with the skating people. Hi club performance have been planned, the songs chosen and settled. The date for the performance is nearing but yet, not one rehearsal have been done. It's pretty much upsetting that we have been trying to plan for rehearsal but it will always get pushed to a later date and we'll have to rush through the rehearsal again.. The performers doesn't seems to have a day that's free for rehearsal.. Been making plans and decision for the past few performances and decided that I actually do not really want to be involve in this performance, but still end up involving. Need to start arranging for the next rehearsal, pushing and getting people to come. Another performance is actually the NDP performance. Was asked by Wilson if I would like to be involve and I agreed almost readily. The first time performing for NDP was when I was in sec 1 and my school choir was invited to perform. Quite like the feeling of performing there and naturally if I was given a chance to perform again, I would agree. But I have my concerns as this time round the performance I will be involve in is actually to be skating around and the thing is, I haven been skating and kinda lost touch with skating, not to say when I stopped skating a few years back, my skating skill was just as bad. So went for the first rehearsal and it was quite super bad. Been placed with a group of people who can actually skate really well, and it really just stress me out. So.. Have been training and yep.. They say I have shown improvement but I still do not have the confidence in myself.. Another weakness of mine, the lack of self confidence? But because of this performance, I start going out with them often? Like going out before going for our rehearsal? So, there's this senior I have a crush on when I was in poly year one and I din not know that he actually knew that. Towards him, I always have this tinge of fear but still having feeling for him nonetheless. So.. After nearly 4 nears of not talking much to each other and now we've started talking again.. And the feeling seems to come naturally back with him.. But this time round, things seems to be a little different. He knows my feelings, rejected it but we're still staying as friends, talking as per normal. And we have been talking quite a lot.. So, knowing of his situations, I was trying to keep my feelings contained, not wanting to pressurised him or anything.. But sometimes, I can't help it but feels upset and jealous. I like it when I'm with him, it just makes me happy naturally and I enjoyed all our chats. But being me, I tends to get too involve easily(another weakness?) and I feel like I'm affecting him even though I do not really want to, I don like the idea of us drifting apart like what happen years ago.. Though I'm at a loss of what to do at times, guess I'll just keep it going, don really like the idea of us not talking.. No point hiding my feelings since he already know, but i guess what I can do now is to keep it contained and to stop thinking so much. What really hurts me now is the thought that u might leave me one day, so don leave me alright.. Thought that my thoughts are complicated and have yet to figure out my thoughts, but after reading through what I have wrote, I just found out the answer to myself. And I feel much better now..

What's appropriate and what's not?

Sometimes, in life, situations will happen that leave you clueless in what you're supposed to do or say.

"Should I just follow my heart or brain?" you'll ponder.

Neither of them seems right, but neither are they wrong.

So, what should we do in such situations?

we have not been communicating much but my feelings for him is still there.
so much so that i actually mistaken my friends as him a few times yesterday.
but we have not talked much lately, and i really do not know what to say to him.
and i had a dream about him the night before, and this is what the dream is about.

i dreamt that i've read somewhere a quote that goes, "if a person really cares about you, he/she will look back for you if they can't find you by their side." and so i dreamt that i was out with him and decided to try and see if he cares about me. i walked slower and slower as he continues walking forward. And i slowly came to a stop and watched him as he slowly disappears into the crowd without turning back for me. Upset as i was, i ran forward to find him and couldn't find him at all. I started to panic, afraid that i might lose him and ran back to the spot where i stood to see if he would come back and look for me. I was really happy when i saw him searching for me through the crowd at the spot where i stood previously.

I know it's just a dream but if only reality is the same. I was sharing with my friend about my feelings for him and that if it was because I'm afraid of losing him, the special relationship that we shared, or if I've developed feelings for him. He's totally not the type of guy which I will fall for and i wonder where all this feelings was coming from. But in which ever case, my sixth sense just told me that he just not that into me, and my sixth sense has been accurate most of the time. From the way and speed that he is replying my messages just tell me everything. He no longer replies fast and the content is just so on the surface only. I have to know where I stand and not disturb him.

it just hurts me that he's just not that into me or it's just me thinking too much all the time. For now, I just know that I could not lose him, so I'll just stay the same.

omg.. i am having this feeling again.