It's frustrating...

to be around toxic people and aren't able to leave because of legal and moral circumstances.
Just tahan, just tahan. That's all I can do.
But I'm so tired of taking everything in my stride. For months this has been piling up inside me.
All the frustrations of the job search, the inadequacy, the helplessness, the responsibilities, the planning, the could have/should haves, the financial burdens and uncertainties of the future.
Those side jabs and constant reminders of how I'm not good enough, whether intentional or not I do not know, is just bringing me down. I just can't take it anymore. I want to shut everything out. Shut out the whole fucking world.

And it sucks even more when your partner just can't seem to understand how you feel. When they downplay the hurt and the sense of loss you're feeling; making it seem like it's wrong for you to feel the way you do. Like all you're doing is make stupid comments about how life is difficult right now. When all you want them to do is hear you out and not tell you what to do, or find solutions to problems that you've already thought about. Is trying to understand to understand and not interrupting with your own personal opinions so difficult to do?  Will the shit pass? I hope to god that it does, and I know it will eventually like it always does. But right now, please just be more sensitive.

Guys, listen the fuck up because you all tend to think you're the more logical gender of the two. You're not, you just like to act like your problems don't affect you when they clearly do. You think being calm and coming up with solutions is the only thing you can do, you need to act tough, need to be tough. Sometimes I admit that is the only thing we can do, but what if there is no solution to the problem, or at least not for a long time? It takes time to accept things and "move on". Sometimes sharing your burden, uncertainties and problems with a trusted individual during a trying time makes the world seem like a less lonely place. It is a form of relief. Try it.

We don't need your fucking 'solutions'. The only time we need them is when we ask for them, or if the girl is just so damn dependent and just can't think of them on her own - when you know her to be that kind of person. Am I that kind of girl? I don't think so. And If you think I am, you don't know much about me at all.

So for the record, let me state what my solutions for the short - long term are:

1) Leave this fucking place and live on my fucking own so I don't have to deal with this toxic POS anymore. Unfortunately this isn't an immediate solution. I keep reminding myself, just one more month.... just one more...

2) For my (personal) self-esteem, improve my diet, health and how I look. I have been working on that for the past month and a half. I haven't seen much results yet but I enjoy every day my muscles ache from a workout the previous day, no matter how much I bitch about it.

3) For my (career - related) self-esteem, focus on my work and pinpoint what needs to be improved and work on that. Right now, to prepare myself for the internship, I am working on my design sense and just getting a hang of different styles. Should I be improving on my animation or learning new skills like 3D? Of course I should be! But not right now. Why is it that everyone just wants to give me more of their own opinions about what else I should do? As if I'm not self-aware enough to know that I need to improve in all those aspects.

It's as if they don't know I give myself enough pressure as it is.
Some people need that push. Some times I do. But right now, I can clearly tell you that I don't.
A push could just push me over the edge, where I'm standing right now.
The number of mental breakdowns I've had for the past 4 months has reached its limit.
I can't take it anymore. My only sick salvation is knowing that I have a friend I need to be there for, because she has it worse than me.

Maybe what I'm doing now doesn't seem like much, maybe I could do more. I could, probably. But this is all I can take right now. And I don't appreciate ANYONE telling me that I have to do more at this moment. Not my professor, not my partner, not my friend. So please, just fuck the fuck off. I'm tired.

Just listen to me.....

I know it's not gonna solve anything, but that's all I need right now. A non-judgmental and non-opinionated listening ear. You asked what my outlet was? You were. I still would like to think you are or could be. It's not something to numb my mind like a game, because I like to talk about my issues and confront them, even if it feels like shit or doesn't solve anything. And if I can't find it in you, I...well...I don't know..

Or maybe I had too much expectations and that's just a burden for you?

 I think I need to start blogging again. I always thought I could say anything and felt comfortable sharing everything, because isn't that what a relationship is about?
But after yesterday, It feels like I could be wrong....

If I close myself up, are you going to do that too?
Though I feel like you already are starting to.

Job Hunt is over

But I still need to get better.
I want to be an asset to the company.
I don't want to let myself or my colleagues down.


Push on, deh.
Make this quarter a good one!

5am

A few hours to my flight and I can't help but feel a little lonely inside...

It's been quite a depressing week.