Ann Voskamp wrote what I've been feeling much more beautifully and eloquently than I ever could have. Here are some excerpts and the link to the whole blog post. She expresses what I've struggled with this year more than ever and what God has been trying to teach me at the same time.
"What you really wanted is to be extraordinarily, obviously, good at this. At this mothering thing.
You wanted to be the best at this.
You wanted to take the podium and gold medal in mothering — not take a million timeouts behind some locked bathroom door, turn on the water so no one hears you sobbing at what a mess this whole shebang is, and how you’d like to run away. Ask me how I know?
Honest? You wanted to be more.
You wanted to be more patient — you wanted to never lose it, to always have it together, to keep calm and that is all, always, — and yeah take their tantrums with a grace-grain of salt instead of throwing one of yours that turned out to be a first class tsunami and a tad bit more dramatic than theirs. You wanted more flashes of wisdom in the heat of the moment when you had no bloody idea what was the best thing to do, when you flung up an SOS prayer, made The Call on the deal —- and the kid hated you for it and you crawled into bed feeling like a heel who always gets it wrong when everyone else gets it right……"
But….
"What every mother wants, her most unspoken need — is a truckload of Grace."
Read it all:
When the mothers sat with that, when they gave themselves that, when they opened up and unfolded all this Grace…
when they were given it …
and when they let it completely enfold them —
all these wounds healed in a thousand places.
I'm hard headed and sometimes hard hearted, but I'm trying to believe these truths that even when I mess up, even in my darkest moments (some which I've experienced this year) and even when I fail my kids (which I do multiple times a day it seems), that God loves me still. Such a beautiful and humbling truth. That is all I need to know and claim this Mother's Day. I am blessed beyond words with the children I get to be mom too. I pray that they understand and know this grace and love of God in their own lives too.