Ode to a Twistie-tie

It is with great esteem that I
should introduce a friend of mine.
It's likely that you've met this guy;
His popularity's no lie.
I now present the twistie-tie!

Oh twistie-tie, my twistie-tie!
You twist! You tie! You satisfy!
If you were an apple, why,
You'd be the apple of my eye!

One day I lost my twistie-tie.
This loss I had to rectify.
Searched high and low and low and high
Until my twistie-tie and I
Were once again uniti-fied!

Oh twistie-tie, my twistie-tie!
You twist! You tie! You satisfy!
If you were an apple, why,
You'd be the apple of my eye!

If you were to dance, my tie,
You'd be a dancin' twistie-tie!
You'd run; you'd jump; you'd twist; you'd fly!
And then you'd start to wonder why
You weren't a singin' twistie-tie!

Oh twistie-tie, my twistie-tie!
You twist! You tie! You satisfy!
If you were an apple, why,
You'd be the apple of my eye!

If you were to sing, my tie,
You'd be a swingin' singin' tie!
You'd have a fan club in Dubai!
The reason just escapes me why
you are so reticent to try.

Oh twistie-tie, my twistie-tie!
You twist! You tie! You satisfy!
If you were an apple, why,
You'd be the apple of my eye!

Is that my twistie-tie I spy?!
Above the rooftops, in the sky,
A twistie-tie shaped cloud went by.
I'm almost sure I saw it fly
between two hippopotami.

Oh twistie-tie, my twistie-tie!
You twist! You tie! You satisfy!
If you were an apple, why,
You'd be the apple of my eye!

Old Tie and I, we are quite fly.
So much so, methinks, that I
could never find a studlier guy,
with one exception, fyi:
Another rockin' twistie-tie!

Oh twistie-tie, my twistie-tie!
You twist! You tie! You satisfy!
If you were an apple, why,
You'd be the apple of my eye!

It's going to be a long winter

Seasonal Depression
a choose your own adventure poem

Spring, come early;
Spring, come soon.
Spring, come quickly, or I'll
Spring to the moon!

Alternate endings include:
1. Spring into a lagoon!
2. Spring onto a harpoon!
3. Die.

Why People Cuss

I have a good friend whom I hold in the highest regard, but she can sure curse like a sailor when she wants to. One day curiosity prompted me to ask my potty-mouthed friend why she cussed. The conversation went something like this:

ME: (inquisitively) PM, why do you cuss?

PM: Well, um... because it's funny.

ME: Well, yes. I'll give you that. It is funny sometimes. But there are so many beautiful words in the English language. Why do you choose to populate your sentences with cuss words?

PM: Beautiful words? Oh. You mean like m%&#* f%&$@

ME: (sigh)

She made her point I think. Cussing can be funny.

I took one of my favorite religion classes from a BYU professor who had a reputation for being very scholarly, but a bit colorful. On the first day of class he began by introducing himself: "Some people refer to me as the as the J. Golden Kimball of the religion department," he said. Then he paused. "It's a damn lie," he added, smiling. We all laughed.

I am not in the habit of swearing, but you mustn't think that it's because I'm a prude. My philosophy is: if I drop a cuss word every other sentence, then what meaning will my swearing have when I actually do cuss? Another reason why people cuss, I think, is for the shock value. Think about it. When your mom or dad cursed, you knew there was no more playing around. You knew he or she meant business. Every swear word you use diminishes the sensational effect of future swear words. That's why I'm saving mine up; so that one day, I'll be able to go on a cussing spree. It'll be great. I'll go completely postal. And I'll have everybody's undivided attention. I hope for your sake none of you witnesses it.

So why do you cuss? For a laugh? For the shock value? Or just for the hell of it? If you refrain from cursing, why?

Saved by the Bell

A personal narrative in iambic quadrameter

I went to high school as a lad,
Which is to say, I'm rather glad
That I became a high school grad
For high school makes your life quite sad.

It is a place that's very stale,
Where pleasure lives in fairy tales,
And every teacher's holy grail
Is to ensure their students fail.

It is a place where children go
To learn of misery and woe,
And read a poem by E. A. Poe
About a creepy talking crow.

It is a place where boredom thrives
And makes your skin break out in hives.
It makes you wonder, between sighs,
How anyone in school survives.

One day I sat there bored as hell,
Waiting for salvation's bell,
When suddenly my eyes beheld
A thing that held my gaze a spell...

Crawling through a girl's red hair-
She was completely unaware.
To pick it out, I did not dare;
I was content to leave it there.

It was a cockroach, what a sight!
A clever little parasite-
It wandered left, and wandered right.
I wondered if she'd be all right.

The roach seemed happy as could be.
It was a big one, yessiree.
I did not stop the roach; you see,
I don't believe in chivalry.

The roach crawled down onto her neck.
I muttered softly, "Dang! Oh heck!"
It crawled onto her shoulder next
And then continued on its trek...

Down her back and to her thigh-
It raised its two antennae high,
As if to say, in roach-speak, "Hi."
I thought it rude not to reply.

Oh golly gosh and mercy me!
The roach was now upon her knee!
It very soon would have to flee,
Pending its discovery...

The girl let out a curtling scream
That woke the students from their dreams.
She scremed so loud at what she'd seen;
You'd think she had a ruptured spleen.

She spied the creature; squashed it dead.
A cockroach corpse without a head-
Oh wait- it's hanging by a thread.
"Goodbye, my friend, the roach," I said.

"Goodbye?" The redhead turned her head.
"You saw that roach on me?!" She said.
And as the readhead turned bright red,
I heard the bell and promptly fled.

My New Calling

So a few Sundays ago I was made the membership clerk in my ward. As one of my first assignments, I had to figure out how to print a baby blessing and add the new baby to church records. But something went terribly wrong... and I made two babies. And both are named Alyssa Lucile. How do I delete a baby?

The Utility of Indirect Communication: A Case Study

Communication between two people may take on many forms including a letter, a telegram, an email, a text message, or a blog entry. In very rare cases, speaking directly to a person is the preferred means of communication. Often, the means of communication chosen depends on the type of information being communicated. In some cases, it is unclear just which form of communication should be used. For example, a death sentence may be communicated via a rap, a lullaby, or a memorandum.

In general, communication falls into one of two categories: direct communication or indirect communication. Direct communications include speaking to a person, shouting at a person, or yelling at a person. Indirect communications include email, text messaging, and Petrarchan sonnets. A particular form of communication can be classified as either direct or indirect based on its Communication Ratio (or, if you like, its Ratio of Communication). This measure is expressed mathematically as a ratio of information communicated (I) to the amount of time spent speaking to a person (S) and is expressed formally as:

I/S

It is the goal of modern society is to maximize this ratio, or in other words, to allow a person to communicate as much information as possible to another person without actually having to speak to that person. For further information about the effects of maximizing the Communication Ratio, consult any online dating service.

Let us examine a series of indirect communications (i.e. emails) between Todorojo and his roommate. Names have been changed to protect the made-fun-of.

Todorojo to Todorojo's roommate:

Dear Roommate,
Bills this month come to $25.95 per person.

Sincerely,
Todorojo

Todorojo's roommate to Todorojo:

Great. Could you do me a favor, though, and tell me in person or write it down and give it to me at home? Why it bugs me to get an email...I don't know. It's probably because I'm a very direct person and I don't like communicating indirectly.

Thanks,

Todorojo's Roommate

In this indirect communication sent to Todorojo by his roommate, a self-identified "direct person," Todorojo's roommate asks that Todorojo follow certain directions, namely, that Todorojo use a more direct form of communication to inform his roommate of how much he owes Todorojo for the monthly bills. Todorojo's roommate's directions are direct, in the sense that they are clear, unambiguous, and forthright; however, they are also indirect, in the sense that they were communicated using an indirect form of communication, namely, email.

The irony of the situation, of course, is that Todorojo's roommate directed his direct directions (or perhaps more appropriately, his indirect direct directions since they were communicated using an indirect form of communication) to Todorojo using an indirect form of communication (i.e. email), thus indirectly underscoring the importance of using indirect communication as a means by which critical information (in this case direct directions) can be communicated. In other words, Todorojo's roommate's indirect direct directions are direct evidence of his subconscious need to communicate with Todorojo indirectly. This is ironic because it appears to be in direct opposition to Todorojo's roommate's direct assertion that he is in fact a "direct person." By sending Todorojo direct directions via an indirect means of communication, Todorojo's roommate had a direct influence on the direction of this blog entry, albeit indirectly (since these were clearly not his direct intentions).

Allow me to direct your attention to the response sent by Todorojo to his roommate:

Dear Roommate,

I agree that some things are best transmitted directly (i.e. in person). Among these things are sign language, marriage proposals, and infectious diseases. However, some things are better communicated "indirectly." Here are some reasons why I use email and other forms of indirect communication, even though they are admittedly impersonal.

1. To preserve the accuracy of the information communicated. You can be assured that the information you receive is accurate, knowing that I did the calculations and sent you the information immediately after paying the bills. Otherwise, I have to rely on my overworked, ever-dwindling number of brain cells to remember the numbers. I could write it down for you or call you and leave a message on your cell phone, but aren't those also "indirect" forms of communication?

2. Convenience
Since I pay and receive the bills electronically, the convenience of being able to send you you the information right away is most enticing. It also means that you can write a check at the time most convenient for you, as opposed to me interrupting your dinner, reading, or other pleasurable activity (notice how I didn't include "studying" in the list as you might actually welcome being interrupted while studying).

3. It serves as a record
Brainpower being a very precious commodity in my case (see explanation from #1), I often find myself inquiring of myself, "Did I remember to tell my roommate what he owes me this month?" By sending you an email, I have documented proof of what I have done, and I can tell my poor confused cerebellum to rest easy.

So that is why I've been sending you emails. If you still want me to communicate the figures to you in a more personal manner, I would be happy to do so. I really don't care as long as I get my money.

Signed,
Todorojo

Other arguments for using indirect communication include:

• The person with whom you are communicating may be so ugly that emotional damage may be incurred from prolonged exposure in his or her presence.
• The person with whom you are communicating may have overactive salivary glands that cause the person to shower you with slavering nastiness every time the person speaks. Be particularly cautious of the letter "P" when employed by such persons.
  

Sadly, despite Todorojo's compelling and sundry arguments, Todorojo uncharacteristically submitted to his roommate's demands, and now communicates the intimate details of his roommate's outstanding fees to him every month in a very personal and direct manner per his roommate's request.

Should Be Latin Phrases

ad nauseam
The feeling you get when you realize that you watched 17 minutes of commercials during a 30 minute TV show.

fad nauseam
Who wants to bet there'll be a 33rd generation iPod.

grad nauseam
Know anyone who can't seem to get enough degrees?

tad nauseam
Just a wee bit sick...

plaid nauseam
Time for a wardrobe update.

glad nauseam
Describes those chronically happy people who are annoying as hades.

rad nauseum
Describes the anachronistic use of the words "rad," "bad," "butt-munch" and others that haven't been part of modern vernacular since the early nineties.

sad infinitum
Describes the state of the world had Sanjaya been made American Idol.

squid pro quo
I'll give you some of my calamari if you'll give me some of yours...

eh priori
I can tell you're a canuck just by looking at you...

sin posteriori
Lacking a butt.

sinner qua non
That friend of yours that tells dirty jokes but that you just have to keep around because he's/she's so darn funny.

Can you think of any?

T.A. Scare Tactics

This semester I am a teacher's assistant for a graduate level biology class. Educating a group of chronically inquisitive students who are always clamoring for your help with this and for an explanation of that is no small task. If you appear too approachable, you will be overrun. Encourage them, and they will think they are entitled to your

every

waking

moment.

Maintaining a strong psychological grip over your students is paramount to ensuring your independence from their greedy, nagging little carcasses. To anyone who finds his or herself in authority over such a group of students, I have one word of advice: Make them fear you. If any of your students so much as looks at you without feeling a pit in his or her stomach, then you haven't done your job. No one would dare approach the T.A. from hell.

Here's a real life example from my latest T.A. session to illustrate. The context is that the carcasses, I mean... students, are working on their assignment. Half an hour has passed and my co-T.A. still hasn't shown up.

TAFH: I wonder where [the other T.A.] is? He will pay for his misdeed. If any of you knows of a good way to exact revenge, I'd be happy to know it.

CARCASS 1: Why don't you make him come to the next two T.A. sessions by himself? That would teach him.

TAFH: Well, yes. I could do that. But I had something more dramatic in mind...

CARCASS 2: Like what?

TAFH: I was thinking more along the lines of... murder.

CARCASS 1 & 2: ...

Worked like a charm. No one asked me a question for the entire remainder of the class.

Clydesdales, Dalmatians, and Rats... Oh my!

On Saturday my friend and I took a tour of the Anheuser-Busch brewery. It's pretty interesting. You get to see all the ins and outs of beer-making, and afterwards they take you to the hospitality room where you get to try some free samples if you so desire. I learned a lot. Here are the most important things I learned:

1. Budweiser beer is brewed from only the highest quality ingredients.
2. The main ingredient in Budweiser beer is barley. It gives the beer its amber-coloured color.
3. Rice is another important ingredient in Budweiser beer. It gives the beer a light flavor and texture. It is the most expensive ingredient in beer.
4. They also add a special grain called Hops to Budweiser beer. This grain is only used in beer-making and gives the beer its classic bitter taste.
5. Budweiser beer is 92% water. This gives the beer its liquidiness.
6. Yeast is added to the beer and is key to the fermentation process. In this highly scientific process, the yeast feed on the sugars in the grains to produce carbon dioxide and alcohol. This just gives you a buzz.
7. The fermentation takes place in giant tank-like tanks called "lager tanks." One lager tank holds enough beer that if you were to drink one case of beer a day, it would take you 137 years to drink all the beer in one tank--unless of course you are Rick Moranis in Strange Brew, in which case it would take only a few minutes, a highly expandable bladder, and a Canadian accent.
8. On the bottom of each lager tank, there is a one and a half foot layer of beechwood chips. This enhances fermentation because it increases the surface area of the tank. It also increases the surface area of your puke when you wake up the next morning.
9. Even though "full-bodied" is an adjective commonly associated with sumo wrestlers and Roseanne Barr, it is also used to describe Budweiser beer.
10. The Anheuser-Busch mascots include Clydesdales weighing upwards of 2000 pounds each (that's more than several sumo wrestlers and Roseanne Barr combined!), a few Dalmatians, and a beer-drinking rat named "Bevo the beer-drinking rat."
11. The prohibition was one of the darkest times of our nation's history.
12. You must be at least 21 years of age to drink yeast excrement. I wonder how old you have to be to drink Clydesdale excrement?
13. All these things give Budweiser beer its bold, subtle, light, full-bodied, rich, sweet, snappy, bitter, refreshing taste.