Raising Children with Love, Limits, and the Gospel in the age of Smart Devices.

I was asked to speak in church a few weeks ago and told I could us “Raising a Sin Resistant Generation” as a reference if I wanted. This is my (slightly edited) talk geared towards a congregation of Latter-day Saints.

(We'll skip the witty intro.)

Today I would like to talk about something near and dear to my heart. 

Raising children with Love, Limits, 

and the Gospel in the age of Smart devices.

Jean M. Twenge an author and professor of psychology at San Diego State, has been studying and graphing generational differences for 25 years. She says “Typically, the characteristics that come to define a generation appear gradually, and along a continuum. Beliefs and behaviors that were already rising simply continue to do so.” She says that has been true since the 1930’s.

That is, until 2012.

In 2012 Twenge noticed abrupt shifts in teen behaviors and emotional states.

2012 is the same year the number of American’s owning a smart phone surpassed 50%. (This is also around the time I got my first smartphone after living in Japan without a cell phone for three years.)

We know that correlation is not necessarily causation, but there is a LOT of compelling evidence to support a link between drastic behavior shifts in teens and smart phones.

Twenge goes on to say that “the arrival of the smartphone has radically changed every aspect of teenagers’ lives, from the nature of their social interactions to their mental health. These changes have affected young people in every corner of the nation and in every type of household. The trends appear among teens poor and rich; of every ethnic background…” I should note that all of us are affected by new technologies. 95 % of Americans now own a cellphone, and 77% of Americans own a smartphone. (Pew Research)

The profound difference with children born after the year 2000 is that they don’t remember anything different. Their childhood experiences are drastically different from Millennials and even those just a few years older.

Obviously, these changes in technology come with positives and negatives. In some ways our children are growing up more sheltered and safe. Teens are less likely to get in a car accident, teen alcohol use has decreased, and teen pregnancy rates are currently down. For our part, we all have access to scriptures, conference talks, uplifting church media content and interactions with our friends and families, some scattered around the world, in the palm of our hands.

However, the downsides are many. Kids are spending more time “under the same roof as their parents, but...they don’t pay attention to their families”.  

Twenge says (paraphrasing here) a nationally representative and long term study started in 1975 asks 12th graders a series of questions about their activities and their happiness. In recent years, questions about technology use have been added. “ The results could not be clearer: Teens who spend more time than average on screen activities are more likely to be unhappy...There’s not a single exception. All screen activities are linked to less happiness, and all non screen activities are linked to more happiness.”

Aside from the sheer number of hours wasted on social media which tends to have an incredibly negative effect on self esteem, our kids now have unprecedented access to an endless array of virtual filth and degradation at their fingertips, and hours of unsupervised time with which to consume it. Pornography usage, as we all know, has exploded, and “rates of teen depression and suicide have skyrocketed since 2011.” (Twenge)

As we navigate the changing times and drastic societal shifts, I believe it will be the calling of all of us, young and old, to learn to harness technology to it’s greatest potential while at the same time, minimizing its risks.

In the talk “A Sin-Resistant Generation, Sister Joy D. Jones discusses how all of us, especially parents, can “fortify children to become sin resistant.” Being sin resistant, will help all of us in using technology correctly.

To raise a sin resistant generation (and I’m going to paraphrase Sister Jones) we need to teach our children to “know without question that they are sons and daughters of a loving Heavenly Father, (And I would add, Heavenly Mother), Wouldn’t it be awesome if our kids knew how divinely outstanding they are?

We need to help them understand repentance. Because being sin-resistant doesn’t mean being sin-free.

And we need to “Teach them to create consistent habits of prayer, scripture study, family home evening, and Sabbath worship to develop “spiritual integrity.”

In addition, we need to prepare our children to make and keep sacred covenants. To do this, they first need to learn to keep promises and commitments.

For my part, in our family, we are trying hard to follow Sister Jones advice and raise our sons to resist sin, to limit their technology use, and and to choose to be righteous young men. But it is no easy task and success is not guaranteed.

In our home, we do try, and usually manage, some semblance of scripture study and prayer every day. Sometimes we take turns reading out loud. Lately we’ve been broadcasting the scriptures from a speaker so loud that the neighbors are having scripture study along with us.

Family Home Evening occurs most Monday nights. The lessons are short, sweet and to the point because we all know the game and treat are the most import part. (At least when you have five boys.)

To further help inoculate our children from the harmful influences that surround them, especially those that are technology related, you will find that we are pretty strict about cell-phone and computer use with our kids. Just ask our long-suffering teens.

A few practical habits we’ve instituted --just relating to smartphones-- are these:

1. Turn off notifications. It seems like almost every single app on my phone comes with a feature that wants to “Alert” me when something happens within the app. Phones can be made to beep or buzz a million times a day leading to endless distractions. However, these alerts can also all be turned off. The only time my phone beeps is when I’m getting a call or text, and even a lot of the group texts on my phone are muted.
2. Read from actual scriptures. I actually love listening to the scriptures from my phone. I usually follow a chapter of the Book of Mormon with a Bible chapter or with a conference talk or BYU devotional. It is a great way to start my day. However, it’s also very easy to get distracted. If you find you can’t read the scriptures on your phone without looking at Instagram too--it’s time to switch back to physical scriptures.
3. Set tech free times. If it’s too hard do this on your own, use an app to help. (For our family, we use an app called “OurPact” that limits what you can do and when. Max can tell you all about how terrible it is.)
4. Write a family technology guide, and individual technology contracts and have everyone affected sign them. Post your technology guide in a public place and review and update it periodically. If you’ve ever been in our kitchen, you’ve seen ours taped up to a cupboard. 
   (Of course this is only the first step. The next is to follow through.)
5. Talk to your kids about WHY it matters. Share articles and have discussions. Even family night lessons. If you ask my kids, they will tell you all I do is read articles about why smart phones, or video games, or iPads are dangerous. It’s true. I read a LOT of articles. And in full disclosure, I’m usually reading them on my phone. But I think it’s important to teach my kids the reasons behind WHY I’m such a mean mom.
6. Leave phones and ipads at home on Sundays. Our kids are being allowed to completely tune out during Sacrament and other church meetings. When and how will they be taught to tune in to the Spirit? How will they ever have the spiritual discipline to tune in while performing sacred ordinances in the temple?

I don’t know if any of you will remember the LDS musical called “The Ark”. It was written by Michael Mclean in the 90’s and I still remember one funny line. Noah and his wife are having a heated discussion about their children when she says “I’m a mother! I know all about free-agency AND how to enforce it!!”

The truth of the matter is, I can make all the rules I want, but if my kids don’t decide for themselves that they were made for something greater than social media consumption, it won't matter how restrictive I make things.

Teens: You need to decide how you will use and how you will limit your technology use. Not because you feel controlled by your parents. Not out of guilt or fear.

But because you have made the conscious choice to love the Lord and put Him first in your life.

And because you know what a gift your life is and you don’t want to squander it on things of no worth. YOU ultimately get to choose what manner of young women and young men ye ought to be.

One of my favorite quotes is "You can never get enough of what you don’t need, because what you don’t need won’t satisfy you."

To all of you kids/teens/young adults: If you are finding that your apps or game systems or even an epic Netflix binge session is still leaving you feeling unsatisfied, try opening your scriptures and studying the life of Christ. Even for a short time. And see if you can find the feeling of joy and satisfaction you are missing.

When the games are gone and only the compass app is left.
(Waiting for "The Mousetrap" to start in London)

Adults: (not speaking to only parents but all adults) Our youth need spiritual guidance, and limits, and love. And they especially need to be taught to understand the love behind the limits. But if you can do only one thing to help the youth around you, let it be that you love them with Christ-like love.

Show them that you want them to succeed. We don’t need anyone else to be against our youth. Satan will try to tear them down, the world will try to tear them down, but hopefully, their church family (neighbors, teachers, friends, and extended family) will be there to buoy them up and strengthen them.

When we think about raising sin-resistant children, it is easy to get overwhelmed and think that technology is too overwhelming,  and that society is a lost cause. We hear a lot of talk in the news these days about “Millennials” and how many problems they have. How they are needy and dependant and addicted to their phones.

Elder Nelson responded to this trend in a talk titled “Becoming True Millennials” He said, “A True Millennial is a man or woman whom God trusted enough to send to earth during the most compelling dispensation in the history of this world. A True Millennial is a man or woman who lives now to help prepare the people of this world for the Second Coming of Jesus Christ and His millennial reign.”

This applies not just to those born within a limited span of years, but to all of us here now.

I believe this is a fight we can win. We can’t give up. I am frequently exhausted as a parent. As I think most parents are. I often think it would be much easier to give up and let my kids fend for themselves. But I will not abandon this cause. Because their salvation literally hangs in the balance. I will continue to try to teach them to use their agency correctly--out of love for God and for themselves-- and continue trying to raise them with light and truth. And I hope I can help and assist my friends and neighbors as they try to do the same and support these amazing young people as they learn and mature.

AMEN!

So what do you think? I'd love to hear your helpful thoughts on what I said, or on the research, or on what you are doing to help the youth in your life!

References:

“A Sin Resistant Generation” by Joy D. Jones

“Have Smartphones Destroyed a Generation” by Jean M. Twenge (in The Atlantic)

“Becoming True Millennials” by Russell M. Nelson

“Mormons React to Millennial Stereotypes” by LDS Living (This was a little video embedded in Facebook.)

“Millennials and Mormonism”

“A Plea To My Sisters” by Russell M. Nelson

“Wait Until 8th Pledge” by Linda Sharkey

BONUS LINKS:

Found this great article after giving my talk: The Silent Tragedy Affecting Today's Children

Good stuff.

Protect Young Minds (formerly Porn Proof Kids) has resources for families like a template for a Family Technology Guide.

We used it to make our Dub Family Tech Rules

 Our Minds Can Be Hijacked

"Porn is Not the Worst Thing on Musical.ly" by Anastasia Basil

"Leave the Party" by LDS Youth

"The Secret Social Media Lives of Teenagers" by Anna Homayoun for New York Times

"Teacher Urges Parents to Wake Up When it Comes to Kids' Social Media Use" ABC news report about Skipper Coates

60ish Ideas For Screen-Free Summer Fun

60ish Ideas for Fun Summer Activities with ZERO screens and (hopefully) minimal parental supervision required. Customize to fit your needs!

It's summer time!!! And if you are anything like me, you feel an equal mixture of glee at "No more lunch packing or homework!!" and abject terror of "I'm BORED" and "I'm STARVING is it breakfast/lunch/dinner time yet?" on repeat all.day.long.

For me, my goal, every summer, is exactly the same. To get them to do a little work in the morning. (Usually work books from Costco--my boys will actually do the Star Wars ones--and a few chores like read scriptures, practice piano, make bed, unload dishes.)

When chores are done, I want them playing outside in the backyard as much as possible.
(Yes, we will have trips to the beach/pool/ice cream parlor--just not every day!!)

If they've spent hours keeping busy in the morning and afternoon, I have no problem letting them chill literally and figuratively with a show or Minecraft session in the late afternoon/early evening. I just can't handle being begged for devices all.day.long.

Sure, this seems like a pipe dream, but I know it's possible because when I was a kid
I PLAYED HAPPILY OUTSIDE!!
For hours and hours.
Coming in as little as possible and only when absolutely desperate to use the bathroom or eat.

So last year I made this list and hung it on the wall, but it had one fatal flaw.
One of the items was...
"Make a Lego stop-motion video."

This was the ONLY item on the list that in any way involved electronics, so naturally, it was the only thing anyone ever wanted to do on the list. "Mom, can you un-lock the iPad so I can make a Lego stop-motion video??" That only worked like the first 23 times, and then I cottoned on.

This year, it has been dashed from the list.

Also, I thought I would add a few more specific details to my list to make it easier for my children to actually visualize the activity.
For example
"Go on a bike ride" became
"Go on a bike ride to the Meeting House."

I don't want them to get on their bikes and over-tax their poor, tired little brains by having to come up with a destination. (Lest they give up and come inside.) So I got more specific.

Naturally, if you don't have a turn-of-the-century German Meeting House within biking distance, you might want to amend the list to your specifications.

I recommend copying and pasting the list into a new document and customizing it to fit your kids--and the play structures you have available. ;)

(If someone wants to tell me how to make this into a printable and customizable PDF, I'm all ears.)

Here's to hoping this helps! Good luck to all of us!!!

Time for SUMMER FUN !

Take a walk to the look-out
Ride a bike to the meeting house

Ride a scooter up the hill and back down

Go for a nature walk and collect sticks, leaves and cool rocks (but leave them outside.)

Climb a tree

Play hide and seek
Play Sardines
Play Kick-the-can
Play Kick Ball
Play Red-Rover

Put on a Puppet Show

Write a play and act it out with siblings (Jane Austen style)

Play Basketball

How many free throws can you make? (100=$1 from Mom

Knock out

      Horse

      Pig

Jump on the Trampoline

Dead Man

Practice your flips

Freeze Tag!

Read a book

In your room

Outside on a blanket

In a blanket fort!

Play in the Playroom

Board games

Stuffed animals

Blocks

Legos
Trains

Play a board game or card game with a younger sibling

Play with Play-Doh (outside with permission and you have to clean up after.)

Draw a picture
Jump rope (set a new record for consecutive jumps!)

Cut shapes for a picture and glue together Leo Lionni style

Make a collage with pics cut from a magazine

Play Kickball

Play Wiffle Ball

Play Badminton

Play Frisbee

Keep an Art or Nature journal of your summer
Make mud pies

Build with Legos

Make a Lego village outside

Make a Lego zip-line

Make a Lego universe

Make a Fairy House or Fairy Garden in the corner of the yard

Build a fort (EVERYTHING needs to be put away after)

Eat lunch outside on a blanket

Press summer flowers for an art project later

Run through the sprinklers

Blow bubbles

Draw pictures with chalk outside

Use chalk to make a Hopscotch game

Memorize a scripture and earn $1

Read 10 stories to little sibling and earn $1

Do 10 extra chores to earn Special Time (art/cooking/clay) with Mom

Do a secret service for someone

Write someone an anonymous love note!

Paint (with permission)

Paint beach rocks (with permission)

Make a panorama in a shoe box-but only if you can find your own shoe box. (Do not ask Mom to find you a shoe-box.)

Write a and illustrate a story. Bind with yarn.

Write in your journal

Write to the missionaries
Open and use one of the many How To {craft/draw/experiment} Books Mom has bought for you!

Draw an imaginary creature and write a story about it

Make dinner for your family with Mom's approval.

Brush your teeth and don’t forget to floss (--Your Dentist)

Go to bed and stay in your bed until 7 am tomorrow ;)

Get extra practice on your instrument so you’ll be extra AMAZING

Don’t veg away your summer! Fill it with FUN ACTIVITIES!!!

Have a FABULOUS and FUN DAY!!!

P.S. It occurs to me that I should have an alternative list of "Mom's Choice" activities for the times they refuse to pick something from the first list.  THIS list will have things like...

• Move the Wood Pile from where it is, to three feet to the left of where it is.
• Wash all the lower level windows on the inside and outside.
• Pull 200 weeds and lay them out in stacks of ten so I know you actually did it. And...
• White wash the fence...

I'll get right to work on that one...

P.S. What did I miss? Do you have any brilliant summer time activities your kids love? Let me know in the comments!!

A Tale of Two Cities. The Highlights. Part 3.

Woke up to a text from my sister Jay-Bird in Abu Dhabi. She wanted to know what the boys DID love about two of her favorite cities on earth. Fair question. I realize my last two posts weren't the happiest representation of our trip.

Now for some of the many HAPPY MEMORIES!!! The stuff you think about after you've forgotten the fights over cell-phone usage!

Our hotel was super modern and had an awesome foosball table.
Fun to see the boys playing together happily.

This modern egg thing is super cool...

...until your brother comes and spins it against your will.

First views of Paris from Max and Sam's room.
They had their own room the first leg.

Our first night in France, we found a restaurant specializing in food from central France. Many items were served with "Aligot". Max ordered the Duck Breast with Aligot. They brought out the duck, and then dumped a whole sauce pan full of Aligot on top. Turns out, Aligot is sorta like cheese fondue mixed with mashed potatoes. Max doesn't like fondue or mashed potatoes. So he ate the delicious duck breast, and Doug and I happily ate the Aligot with bread. Soooooo yummy!!! Win/win.

Bravely trying, and loving, French Onion Soup.

Looked good. Tasted great.

Max bravely tried Duck Breast with Aligot. 

No one can resist a teeter-totter but we may have scared some children

Handsome devil!

Are we really here? Is this really happening??

Visting the Eiffel Tower on our first night was pretty surreal. We were all a little jet-lagged and astounded that we were actually in France, eating French food, watching French people French kiss, and looking up at the Eiffel Tower together. It was really cool.

Sam found this PDA hilarious and outrageous.
Max found the dudes shoes hilarious and outrageous.

The first platform 

On a side note, it's also possible that some paper air planes were thrown from the top of said Eiffel Tower, but I can neither confirm nor deny.

The top has a wire cage around it which is why I can handle my kids being at the top without puking.

"Look at that aerodynamic piece of paper spiraling down to the ground." 

FIRST CREPE!

Sharing was not going to happen. We all got our own.

More PDA. More speculation about whether they were actually French Kissing.

Monday Schedule:
Our first full day started with the breakfast buffet at the hotel. Racks of fresh pastries with Nutella made everyone very happy. (The second morning we discovered the hot milk and French Nesquik which is way better than American Nesquik. So, so good. Wish I brought a pound or two home.)

The first day we ate everything and then slowly tapered off
to normal human-sized meals the next few breakfasts.

After breakfast:
Notre Dame (Super cool up on the roof.)

Trying to get a peak at the pealing bells.

"Those boys are good eggs."

Shakespeare and Company Bookstore (Where Sam petted a cat and Max played the piano and Sam bought "The Princess Bride".)
Sainte-Chapelle where the glass made us gasp.

Sainte Chapelle was BEAUTIFUL!!!

The Louvre was hot and crowded but Mona greeted us with her enigmatic smile unperturbed. Boys were pretty good sports and happy to explore!

Selfies!!

Max's favorite's from the Louvre

Give a lady some room to breathe!

Fancy French dinner where the boys tried Escargot in order to earn crepes for dessert.

Both Sam and Max ate Escargot! Great job boys!!!

"I guess it was worth it..." So we got crepes and then on the way home we got more crepes.

Tuesday Schedule:
Max and Doug took a French pastry cooking class, LOVED IT, and had a great time.
Sam and I explored a sorta lame museum but still enjoyed ourselves.
Sam did NOT want to have an art lesson with me in the Renoir gardens, but I forgave him because he was sweet and smiley about it.

This delicious pastry was made by my 15 year old! Great work Max!!

Met back up to explore...
Sacré-Cœur! (Bought our souvenir Nativity. Only two figures this time. 1 Joseph 2. Mary holding Jesus.)

Such a cool building!

(Boys bought fidget spinners on the steps.)

Ubered to Versailles.
{UBER IS AMAZING AND SO EASY TO USE AND SAVED MY ACHING FEET SO MANY TIMES!!!}
Versailles is ALSO amazing and super cool to look around. We rented a golf cart to explore the grounds and let Max drive a little. He was disappointed it only went about 3.2 mph.

Quick food stop: "We'll take one of each please."

Walked to the brand new Paris L.D.S. Temple

This glass in the visitor's center was so darn pretty. We loved looking around this peaceful place!

The grounds were just as pretty as the building.

Ubered back to hotel
Sent the boys out for dinner crepes, and took ourselves to a yummy Italian place.
(Spied on boys to make sure they made it to crepe stand safely.)

Wednesday Schedule:

Woke up late and missed our train to London (via Chunnel) by about 10 minutes. (Didn't know you had to check in 30 mins early...)

Had a two hour delay, but made it just in time for...

High Tea at "The Orangery"

(The boys actually liked my Raspberry Tea...! and we all liked the dainty finger sandwiches.)

Sam was so excited to see a real British phone booth. And then a double-decker bus drove by.
The gleeful exclamations were awesome.

Relaxed and walked in Kensington Gardens after visiting Diana's Memorial garden

Soaking in London

"I'll use this for my cover shot."

Made our way to the fun, bustling Covent Garden
Watched Agatha Christie's "The Mouse Trap". The boys loved it and didn't guess who the murderer was! Win!!
Ate dessert after the show at an Italian place I visited on my last trip.

Thursday Schedule:
Big Red Bus Tour
Hopped off at The Tower of London

This guy told a cool story about when he attempted to steal
the crown jewels and nearly got away with them...

Took a Thames river boat tour.
It dropped us off at Houses of Parliament and Big Ben
Barely missed being able to go in Westminster Abbey
Went to Buckingham Palace and saw ladies in hats going in for a garden party.
Hopped on bus to Ye Olde Cheshire Cheese where Samuel Johnson spent time writing the first dictionary. Ate yummy pub food there and finally discovered what Bubble and Squeak is.
Saw Les Miserables. Kept us all on the edge of our seats. The boys LOVED it but Sam was a little shocked at how sad it is. He wasn't familiar with the story at all before hand, but loved the music.

We loved walking around lively Piccadilly Circus after the show.

Friday Schedule:
Straight to Kings Cross Station where we grabbed some pastries from stalls outside before checking out Platform 9 3/4. Doug and the boys made it through, I did not.

Tube to Paddington then Train to Windsor to see the queens weekend residence.
We met with our friends the Harrises who used to leave near us in Carlsbad. They drove about four hours to meet up with us--with 5 kids in the car! Now THAT is friendship.

Went on a beautiful river cruise.

Explored a used book store. (And came out weighing about 50 extra pounds.)
Spent the afternoon taking in the charming town.

Had a picnic and spent the afternoon enjoying and relaxing Eton and had such a lovely day!

Made it back to London in time to grab a quick bite and buy last minute tickets to see...

Mamma Mia!!
It was so so fun. The boys love ABBA and the movie Mamma Mia so they knew all the songs. They had to adjust to the crowd clapping along, but we all totally loved it.

Saturday Schedule:

Our last morning in London.

Woke up and found a fun little place for breakfast.

Headed to the Sherlock Holmes museum. (But only went to the gift shop 'cause that place is ex.pen.sive.)

Ubered to The London Eye and checked the last thing off of Max's London To Do List.(So very cool to see London from above.)

Train via Chunnel back to Paris. (Getting out of town a few hours before the London Bridge terrorist attack.)

Checked back into the same hotel. 

Met up with our Monacan friend Ugo and his friend Juliette at an amazing restaurant. The best meal ever to end our awesome trip. The boys tried: Seared duck foie gras, AND Knife-cut Charolais steak tartare. What incredibly brave teens! I was so impressed with them!

And then we all had one more crepe...

Sunday Schedule:
Ate one last buffet breakfast. Sadly, I could only manage hot chocolate and Mueslix. Too much gluttony early in the week.
Made it to Charles De Gaulle in plenty of time. Only to have an unclaimed backpack clear our terminal and make us almost miss our flight.
I mean, we were five minutes away from missing our flight people. SO GLAD WE DIDN'T MISS OUR FLIGHT. Or, ya know, get blown up. Also glad that didn't happen.

Finally made it home to our sweet baby boys Sunday night around 7p.m.
And there was much rejoicing! Yaaaaaaay!

Special thanks to our amazing niece for taking such good care of my boys and being so darn fun and nice. I promise you'll like kids again one day. Give it a few months.

Many thanks to Business Credit Card points for completely covering our 4 round trip tickets.

And MAJOR thanks to our amazing friends The Harrises and Ugo and his friend Juliette for traveling hours to see us. You made our trip so much better!! We love you guys.

We had an amazing trip and are so grateful we had the opportunity to take our boys with us. I hope they'll remember it forever and forgive us for taking the games off their phones.

Cheers!!