Sunday, March 20, 2011

It feels like someone took a diamond bit and drew a line across my glass wall. But I'll glaze it over every time it becomes barely noticeable. Isn't it ironic that in all actuality, tt the best person to turn to? Is you.. but I can't, cus i'm so in love. It doesn't matter what the cost.. as long as you find happiness dear.. even if it means cost me, even if this relationship eats away silently without anyone knowing but myself and God. Cus you know what? Love isn’t selfish and self seeking. Love isn’t limited to those who are perfect. Love is being all i can for you, being the best i can, not having the best. And i know... i know everything, i know what you did, i know that you don’t want to tell me.. But you know what? It doesn’t matter. Cus i love the way you lie. cus although it hurts like shit, like nothing i’ve ever experienced before, although all my surety and trust has been taken away and shredded into confetti pieces, and although you throw me into a tornado every time you go out with a guy, club, drink, swear because i hate to see you do such things that don’t help you, that hurt you, and it hurts me as bad if not more than it hurts you.. i still let you do the things you do cus its a choice. And its your choice, and we all have the freedom to choose while i’ll stand there, always hoping, always wishing, always praying that maybe, one day, you will choose right, you will choose correctly. And although i know what you can be, how you can be when your drunk and everything, i still take the risk and i just stand there, getting burned from the inside, silently, just hoping and waiting that nothing bad will happen to you, that you will come back to my side eventually - perfect incognito. Now it all falls in place, now i understand. And it hurts me so bad you’d never know how bad, knowing that you choose not to tell me the truth by when i know you know it matters to me, and that you should have told me so much earlier, and that i always wanted the best for you, and i wanted your trust, and i gave you all my everything... although i know i’m going to get hurt and although my it HURTS ME SO BAD THAT MY TRUST HAS BEEN SHREDDED AND THROWN INTO THE WIND... when all i wanted is your trust... when i thought, maybe if i trust you, you will trust me... when i thought ‘do unto others what you want others to do unto you..’ but i guess that’s only applicable to bad things like backstabbing cus people are vengeful.. i don’t know what to stand for, what to trust. I always believed.. i choose to believe, that, perhaps.. maybe.. there is something greater and bigger than all this.. that maybe things will work out although i know it won’t... and it won’t ever! It will NEVER work out!!!! But i throw myself into it anyway. When i start to drift, i force myself to draw nearer to you, to protect you, so that i wouldn’t hurt your feelings, even if it goes against every cell of my body to lie the way i do, even if every move, every word is agony... but white lie you say? White lie indeed. Its even harder when my imaginative thoughts fling things out of proportion, but at the same time i cannot lie to myself that its nothing. At the same time, i cannot say that i don’t feel disappointed that the truth has been intentionally omitted from me, at the same time i cannot say that i’m just trying to numb myself from the pain, from feeling shit... to a very successful way infact. But at the same time i cannot deny that the problem is still there, and that when everything fades away, and when i’m lying alone thinking to myself, when music triggers my thought, when i’m hitting the drums so hard to cover up the pain and the frustration and the agony inside... i cannot say that all those is a lie. I’m stupid. I’m a fool. And i don’t know why i still do this, but i know i still do all because maybe... just maybe.. one day... you will realise, you will change.. God will change you... that’s my only hope. There’s so many things... i really want the best for you.. but i don’t know how to break it out to you. I don’t want you to change for me. I want you to change cus God changes you. You don’t know God the way i do... its deep rooted, its precious.. and its my only hope. That’s the only reason why i’m still here, why i’m still steady, why i’m still committed. Why? Cus i believe in miracles. That one day... one day, a miracle will happen, all my wishes, all my prayers, all my hopes and dreams.. it will come true. Despite all the odds, all the bad feelings, all the doubts, all the pain, all the smothering myself... despite all that, i know one thing with all surety that makes all this shit worth it, that makes me see nothing you’ve done before, nothing that i think you are, nothing matters.. and it doesn’t matter even if i feel i don’t really know you. I don’t know you for you. I only know who you are outside, the perfect incognito. But i want to know you, i want you to trust me, and i want to trust you... but its never going to happen is it? I just hope... and stand there waiting... always. Till the day that perhaps.. perhaps.. you will finally choose the right choice, that finally you might choose wisely, and i don’t care that i feel cheated or feel used or anything like that, cus the bottom line is although you’d never know and although you might never understand..

The fact is that i love you. :(

i hope never to publish this... but when i do, it would have been too late.

Word of the Day; 10:29 AM

Thursday, March 03, 2011

Oh my gawd. I realize that blog, tt has been officially overtaken by Facebook, is actually a pretty good place to check back. Its like a journal, dating back into the anneals of an individual's history, a record of milestones and thought processes. Quite interesting indeed, especially when you look at what you wrote years ago and compare to the person you are now. Amazing how the metamorphosis process unveils. And I realize that MAN I can be one mean biach. My goodness. I scare myself, but at the same time its hilarious to the max. And of course, Blogs, ancient as it is, still serves its purpose of archiving and an outlet of personal thoughts and feelings that no one occupied enough would give a damn about.

Word of the Day; 2:25 AM

Tuesday, July 06, 2010

Wha.. you know how painful it is or not, to hear you say the things that you say? I know you don't, and I also don't want you to know lest it affects you. But its painful okay! I just hope that this kinda things will stop. I also don't want to to this! But its what's best. Just like what you did, I understood and don't hold it against you. But yes I understand that you'd never understand where I'm coming from and I don't hold it against you too... that's why I'm not letting you know. But I just wish that maybe this whole thing might stop for good one day.

Word of the Day; 2:44 PM

Sunday, March 14, 2010

Yay IT fair was pretty useful cus for once I made a purchase. Got a razer mouse, which is pretty cool and all. Really like it alot. I anticipate longer hours infront of my laptop now. lol. Okay so I'm back from Brunei. definitely not going regurgitate everything on Lancer, cus it'd take forever and I still have that journal to write where I'm going to spill every thought I have on. Homework... But anyway, I think I've kinda changed after Brunei. After JCC in particular. They say true colors all come out during JCC which isn't totally wrong. But I think that spending everyday with your OCS mates, you can more or less tell what character a person has, and JCC just reaffirms it. So there isn't like any awesome discovery or anything, but its really sweet that my tango people are awesome. JCC really made me appreciate and really bond the whole tango together. Really saw some true colors. But good true colors, like the amount of sacrifice, effort, thought and the nobleness that some people put for the team and for others. Truly, I see a great difference between the various types of people and readjusted my stereotypes. For one, I conclude that although rare as gems, there really are other selfless people who will do all things for others. Not only found in church or exclusively for Christians. In fact, I see quite the opposite cus comparatively, majority of Christian youths can't hold a candle up to that person. Eh to put it simply, it really doesn't freaking matter whether your Christian or not. Good people of mettle are made of factors outside the Christian context, although church might emphasis more on those factors. But ultimately, character is an individual thing.

Another thing that I've been strongly reaffirmed about is that one must always have a positive can do mindset and be thankful for everything. Seriously, Singapore is such a creature comfort place. But when your thrown into the Brunei jungle to navigate and do your survival phase through that 9 days with 1.5 days of rations, one begin to appreciate the small things. Rather, the non materialistic things, cus there really isn't anything to be materialistic about in JCC. Not a joke JCC. People start to appreciate other people, character and stuff. And I start to see the importance and the fact that in the end, what matters is really the individual's attitude and etc. Its all these unseen and not manifest-able types of things that really counts for much. But I seriously doubt many people see that, and even if they advocate that they do, its a totally different thing to appreciate the extend of character and the importance of it. Unless you've went through real shit and hold a +ve mindset throughout. And yeah, always be thankful for whatever whenever you can. I must say though, I'm uberly blessed. Surrounded with great friends, blessed with sufficient money and etc. Really really blessed. And for all Christians, be thankful always cus it not only makes the situation better, but also because we ought to be. Cus logically speaking, if you have faith in God and that He's a Sovereign God, than ultimately whatever you go through is the best at the moment, so there's nothing to be unthankful about since its ultimately going to be for your benefit. And trust me, if your thankful in all situations, you'd realise that God indeed is faithful and will always surprise you with providence and everything. Thing is, how many of us actually really trust in God eh.

Well, I don't think changes in mindset can be aptly described in words, cus it'd be like trying to explain JCC, close to impossible. Mindsets are like experiences, impossible to relate and explain in words unless you've went through the same experience. That I guess is why OCS cadets will share a special bond that will last for life. But anyhow, I can safely say that through JCC, it has really shewn me things that has matured my thinking, which is great. But having said that, not everyone that got the JCC badge are good or deserve it, just as some who didn't get the badge could not have deserved it more. It all comes down to character. That truly is what JCC, and life, is truly about. To sharpen ones character and values as well as to spot accurately the characters and attitudes of others. To read what people mean, not what they say.

Perspective friends, life is a giant window of opportunity for learning.

Word of the Day; 5:35 PM

Tuesday, February 16, 2010

Yargh, flying off to Brunei already. This whole long holiday and and CNY festive mood is like killing me! Cus its totally making me NOT want to go back to the army kinda mood, especially to Brunei for training. And its important cus the reason why some people complain that army is shit whereas others say its fun is due to perspective. And right now with all the CNY junk food, lack of exercise and all the time spending slacking and rotting in front of the computer and going out with friends and what nots, I really do not want to leave all that and go into the ''army mode''! Omgg this is like the ultimate mental challenge lah, basket. Maybe they did this on purpose, to mess with your mind and make you really she bu de to leave Singapore.

Anyway CNY was really nuts man. The most happening 24 hrs I ever had out of the 19 CNYs I had before. Went out with friends and ended up seeing people intoxicate themselves, getting high and wasted and all the crazy stuff. Really madness. Besides having to evacuate a drunk deadweight of what? 40, 50 kg, and having vomit all over the floor and dripping down my back and trying to have some sorta command and control over the person, I also had the honor of people suddenly becoming emotional wrecks and people crying all over the place. Like suddenly everyone became problem ridden and emotional and mad. IDK, is it just me or did everyone except for two of us have emotional problems in which they had to have alcohol to drown their sorrows with? And then all the true colors all come out too.. omg, that left me disturb for the rest of the day.

Ended up sleeping at 7 and waking up at 8, and I still had to drum. In the end the whole thing was super kang kor lah. Like wake up cannot open eye those type, drag the whole body outta bed also hard and the alcohol combo with running about at night and no sleep... is like I don't even know what is what already lah. then in the end play drum can't keep beat, cus I don't even know where or when i'm off beat! Totally cuii mannn. Then later in the day still had to do visiting. Wha, that day was like the shittiest feeling ever la. I mean, for a CNY anyway. I'm pretty sure JCC is going to be a shittier situation. But yah, really man, this CNY is one that I don't think I'll forget anytime soon.

But other than that, today was boring and unfulfilled. Tuesday is going to be different though. I anticipate a satisfying day ahead in terms of achievement cus its the LAST DAY OF FREEDOM! Got to do something meaningful. Today was a waste!

And I have a feeling of leaving for Brunei with unsettled stuff in Singapore after that Sunday. Can't settle it now either cus everyone's overseas or bai nian-ing! Aiyuh, hope for the best luh. Anyway I think I'm going to be sooooooooooooo pre occupied in Brunei that I won't have time to think about anything else. OK! army mode ah army mode! 3 weeks later come back, see what develops after their 1week, quote, unquote; ''cool down'' hiatus. zomg. I worry for them still. Please, Mr Murphy, do not rear your ugly nebulous head. My gut tells me that XYZ isn't going to heed my advice and JQU is like.. don't know what thoughts running through that brain if it was still thinking then, and what it'd be thinking now! and the other one is just... -.- cui. of course this is written in a blunt and shallow way to keep confidentiality so don't take offense. but actually got depth one la, got depth. got reason.



Okay stop talking to myself already.. and if you don't understand what I'm talking about, its normal cus its solely for me to know only. Like a note to self. Sleep.

And oh, muthu's curry fish head restaurant is super nice. I want to go there again.
Plus lets have a steamboat some time again.
And a section 3 outing at Astons!
And Hairul, please don't get hanged over the day before meeting up you gay vulgar twerp.

There ends my entry titled a plethora of thoughts splattered incoherently. nighty nights.

Word of the Day; 1:42 AM

Monday, December 21, 2009

I read my old posts and I think to myself, ''This guy is such a freak, dunno what he talking about.'' Gee. I'm really quite cui. x]

Word of the Day; 11:17 PM

Sometimes I really have a lot of questions about the things I see happening around me. Mostly useless phisopher stuff (cus I don't intend to bum around thinking while doing nothing but grow fat like an actual philosopher)* like why is the world unfair and etc. I mean yeah I've come to terms that yes, the world is unfair and there's nothing much you can do about it no matter how much brain juice you invest thinking about it, but at least I can individually chip in my small part and try to make my own world a fairer place. And that's justifiable cus some people create a world of their own further detached from reality than most. Like a place with rainbows and bright colors all year round and life's challenges presents themselves as the occasional gloomy rain that, of course, will give life to the flowers and grass that will sprout into beautiful joy bringing gardens. (all the cliches about how tough times will see better times in the future stuff) But many times things that happen are simply not in your control, especially when it happens to other people, and definitely not fair so it pretty much screws the perceived reality I create for myself.

For example, we hear of a lot of heart wrenching stories tragedies about orphans, but its purely a temporary feeling that we lose no sleep over. But if it actually happened to you, or someone close to you, then you'd be thinking like, what the hell, since when was I made to handle this kinda things at this age? I mean, its like an imaginary timeline where the type of crap that happens to you in life gets bigger as you grow older and more mature? But some of us just skip whole chunks and go to the end of the line whilst some never see significant trouble but make a shitload of noise and soak up whatever pity that he can get greedily. And it sucks cus you don't know what to do and you have no idea what your supposed to do either. And as if losing one parent is not enough, now the other is falling ill too, which scares the shit out of me. Not my parent, but still, I never want to go through that emotional blackhole again. But more importantly, it'd be devastating as hell for the actual sons and daughters. Like x100 what I as a friend am capable to feel. So yes, shit life is unfair.

I think the ultimate cosmic joke is that while I want to relinquish control of my life over the unfortunate things that are happening hoping that it'd all disappear like magic, the more I am unwilling to give it up. And the more I want to do something about it, the more I realise that I can do no shit and it just goes back to square one. So like where's God faith and etc etc for me now? By the way I live my life, its in the dumpster probably. And I don't know why I don't seem to be getting out. Where's redemption and etc eh.

But with these new eyes, I start to think about the my church. All the things they do.. for what? So showy, so ''do this cus its expected of you'' and all. I think real salvation can be seen from the simple acts and response during everyday life. Its like what my friend said, ''pretending to be alright''. That probably sums up most of us. And me too. What I need really is someone that I can talk to heart to heart, like pour out all my feelings of despair which is impossible to find cus who really understands your feelings (especially when its ''of DESPAIR'. who wants to feel despairing?). But its hard cus feelings aren't like something that you can replicate in a copy and paste manner. So suck it up and fake it through. Suck thumb only. Eventually, we'll all be apathetic and it'd be the end of the world. Like for real. Meteor showers and stuff might be a possible reason for 2012, but a more novel way for an Apocalypse would be a totally apathetic society. I mean, we're halfway there already.


*although I must admit I do bum around, but actively engaging the computer screen and mouse trying to shoot virtual enemies on-screen rather than thinking. Which is healthier for the mind is debatable although I can conclusively say that neither is a healthy per-se. Its more like the lesser of 2 evils, and I choose computer games.

Word of the Day; 1:08 AM

Sunday, November 01, 2009

Oh no. Ok so I finally didn't make it for GH7, which kinda sucks. Am i disappointed? extremely really. But one thing i did well is that i gave it my best, so i don't regret. Or at least that's what I thought the first few days after my failure. Cus as the days pass and as reality starts to sink in, or rather when the stress of being in AGC and with mr chan starts to fade, deep inside I realise that I still do want to fly. That I really do want to make it. Yea I know I didn't cry or anything, but I think that i'm really just trying to mask the disappointment and all. Infact, I might have done it so well that I didn't realise it initially myself. But now i'm starting to feel the ache, and I don't think flying is something that I'd forget anytime soon. Yea I know i've tried my best, and that's really what matters. But at the same time, though I live with no regrets, there's a different kinda feeling now. One that says, why aren't you good enough? Why couldn't you cope? Why couldn't you be better?! Why did you make it... and I really don't have an answer for that. Cus I guess I just ain't cut out for flying, and that feeling sucks so bad cus its proportionate to how much i want it. Disappointed at myself, and i know my friends say i haven't let them down, but I still have the feeling that I have. I mean sure, they won't say it out loud cus their my friends, and they'd probably forget it sooner or later, but I won't. Cus I know that I could have been something more, something that makes my friends and family proud, something that I could have done for them, but I didn't. And to me, that's really letting hopes drop, failing the pride and trust that people have for me.

But of course, its not just what other thinks of me, its also what I think of myself, and what I want to do. I really do want to fly, and if I was given a second chance, with the right situations and instructors, I really do believe I can make it. But it was left to fate that I got what I got, that the things that happened in AGC happened. It was God's will after all.

But despite all this disappointment and all, I know that ultimately, it is still God's perfect will that will benefit me in the end. So though I hope to be given a second chance in the future to fly again, I thank God for the opportunity at AGC, look forward to the future, and know that no matter what disappointments or hurts that one might go though, God will always be sufficient for me. I mean I know some people say that when the going gets tough, turn to religion, but trust me, this is different, it isn't a cliche, and I'm not in denial.

I'm just trying to be a better person.

''The life of the individual has meaning only insofar as it aids in making the life of every living thing nobler and more beautiful.'' - Einstein

Word of the Day; 1:51 PM