Revelation!

what's the big revelation? one might ask. it's the book! SLASH! finally laid my grubby meathooks on it today. i was so tempted to get the hardcover version, but the 20 dollar premium on 2 pieces of cardboard hardly seems to justify any rational reasoning. so i got the paperback version. same difference. good read nontheless. it's really one of the best things that's happened to me in recent days, reading about your childhood hero, coz slash has been THE penultimate, real guitar hero there will ever be. he's style and playing speaks to me. and he is the reason i started playing guitar in the first place. plus he's a cool dude! just watch the interview with conan o'brian, it's hilarious

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the excitement finally dies down

earning your first dollars really gives you something of a feeling. it's the feeling of getting paid for what you have done or been doing before. i guess it has something to do with knowing subconsciously that somehow you are on your way to independence, that washes away the guilt that comes with asking for allowance.

after the excitement has finally died down, like now, it's time to move on to the next step - find more students! yes and try to save as much as i can to at least go somewhere in asia, maybe korea or japan or something. i really wanna go skiing.

and i have decided to spend my hard earned money i earned from my first lesson on a book.


a very insightful read if you are even slightly into guns n' roses or velvet revolver or just wanna have a glimpse of a rock legend's life. it's just pure sex, drugs, and fucking rock n roll.

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Fight or Flight

Every system has its built in defence mechanism. beings as we have discussed before, much like ourselves, are of no exception. except ours has a name, we call it "fight or flight".

when do you know it's time to fight and when do you know it's time for flight? nobody can really explain it. it has everything to do with the amount of fear that is present in us and our own personal threshold for fear.


regretfully, as a being, i have quite a low threshold for fear. i get scared easily. but i am glad to say that i can mask it pretty well. but that does not eliminate the fear, it simply means i'm actively trying to shift the fight or flight balance towards the fight end a little bit more.

maybe that's why i like to do things the last minute, because i'd like to give myself the illusion that i'm indeed fleeing from the situation when i cannot, and at the last minute having to face the music. well some people may simply interpret that as a classic symptom of laziness. yeah i sort of agree, after all, all men are pigs right?

but then again sometimes i think my indecision offend and hurt people. sometimes i dunno what to make of a difficult decision. i told a good friend off today about a stupid gig that i am uncomfortable doing, because maybe i'm too chicken shit scared of it. it took him messaging me twice to make me finally tell him what my decision was. and i think i truly pissed him off. it's the whole thing about saying no when someone asks "could u do it for me?..." sort of question.

another good friend just had his knee reconstruction surgery done. and i honestly wanna go visit. but i can't stand the thought of seeing the aftermath of a surgery, knowing that someday i might have to undergo the same thing. i just wanna run away from it. not that i do not care, but sometimes people have their reservations for various reasons.

and it doesn't help that i'm trying to run away from writing that last application essay that absolutely has to get done. i have let it drag over the weekend, over monday, and after a whole day of doing absolutely nothing, i'm still trying to shrug away from that responsibility, to myself. it's pathetic.

and yes tomorrow is the absolutely end of the world for me as i start my tutoring career. i do not know what to expect, i do not know how to teach, i do not know how to handle kids, i do not know if i'll get fired. i am just nervous, and scared, and clueless, and ill prepared, and not ready. I WANT TO RUN AWAY.

i wish our defence mechanism was designed with just 1 option. not a 50/50 thing, it would make life a whole lot easier. but then again, would that life be worth living. fight or flight... i smile when i get scared, do you? so what so I've got a smile on, its hiding the quiet superstitions in my head...

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New Love

Totally random occurrences, called coincidences, happen all the time. today was one such occasion.

I have always seen the record in record stores just lying around there, gathering dust. no one seems to bother to even look at it. maybe it's because it looks spartan, unpretentious, austere and unobtrusive. it's just a cardboard sleeve with some less than interesting words in colour.


My god was i so wrong before about it. this has got to be the BEST record i have heard in a long long time. it jus gets u thinking about tonnes of things, stirs ur emotions, gives u goosebumps, makes u wanna puke after u're done thinking about everything. the song "another kind of green" and "wait until tomorrow" just are absolutely stunning and keeps playing in my head, i can't seem to get them out. and the tone is just BLISS, the chimey fender-ish clean that just gives u a serene sense of existence. and when mayer goes into a solo, it's just mind boggling - the sweetest overdriven mudhoney-butterscotch-caramel-suger-rush blackface breakup you've ever heard, and his playing is spot on. damn i'm gonna be listening to it over and over again for a while...

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rugby

I believe in the blood on the pitch, the jammed fingers, the broken ankles. I believe in rubber balls, knee socks, and pouring sweat. That we really are Barbarians, and that's why we wear our own logos. I believe in mud in every crevice of the body, that we are 15 as 1, that the try zone is home. I believe in the split play, the crash, and bananas, I believe in nicknames, tears of joy, pain of defeat, striped collared shirts, one shining moment. I believe in tourney season, that pain is progress. I believe in our mantra, that socials are the only true way to lose or win with grace. I believe that glory is fleeting, that Zulu's are a blessing, and that the line will always have my back. And above all else, I believe in the love of the game. This is what I play. This is what I love. RUGBY IS LIFE.

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missing school

school. the last place u wanna be when u are in it and the only place u wanna be when u are out of it.

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The Wasteland

Still awake, I continue to move along, cultivating my own nonsense. Welcome to the wasteland, where you'll find ashes, nothing but ashes...

Feelings are what makes us beings, and not just inanimate objects. cognizant, feeling, beings. hurt, disappointment, rejection - negative feelings are what keeps us in check with the harshness of reality. Darwinian theory did not predict the evolution of feelings, only the physical progression of our beings. i think that's precisely what separates us from animals.

I have come to the conclusion that the feeling of emptiness is perhaps one of the most powerful feelings a being can experience. especially these few days, just to give you an idea, my mental-scape looks something like a wasteland, a landfill, with crows hovering above, trying to scavenge the last bits of whatever that remains.

I feel like an ass for not doing NS, seeing friends and classmates all soon to be enlisted. I feel like a coward, like a deserter. i feel as if i'm betraying those who are going. i keep telling myself it's okay, but everytime i try to tell myself it's okay, it only ends in a circular argument - that it's not okay and that i should feel ashamed of myself. it's like avoiding a draft during a war, you ought to feel emasculated, because you have no honour left.

The emptiest of all i guess is that this might be the last time i get to see some of my closest friends. whom i have come to admire and love, for who they are and what they have done in the cause of friendship and camaraderie. Life will never feel the same again i suppose, because i doubt i'll ever have friends who are closer than those that i have now. university, work places are all too complicated, filled with people with their own agenda and ambitions. there's no place for real, innocent and lifelong friendships to flourish, they would just be mere acquaintances.

Still awake, bringing change, bringing movement. Bringing life, a silent prayer thrown away. Disappearing in the air, rising, sinking, raining deep inside me. Nowhere to turn, I look for a way back home...

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New Year Countdown

went to countdown with alvin, alien, alge and remy ong haha went to ALOT of places (including the pan pacific elevator. we rode it up and down like 5 times and played hide n seek with the security guard in the hotel at 4 a.m. in the morning. bloody hell lol). basically, it's marina square for dinner => esplanade => fireworks => cathay for midnite movie => starbucks to slack => back to esplanade park for no reason => pan pacific elevator => middle of no where => city hall starbucks => burger king => home

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