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a lot of things happend in the last 48 hours. my confidence for math has been obliterated after attending the "consultation" session with my math tutor. i watched lost episode 13 (i think), and i didn't watch any of the matches.

and i got laughed at my ppl in sch for my hair. but that's the least of my concerns for now. blocks is really getting to me. i'm pissed off and confused.

haiz...

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the hard life

5 days to the blocks... oh well there's the obstacles in life that we have to overcome. this holiday is about the most boring holiday i've ever had. and honestly speaking i've never really studied hard this whole time. i can't force myself to study, even if i sit at a desk for hours, i'd be jus wasting time and my mind would inevitably wonder elsewhere...

i'm in dire need of freedom, but at the present i'm not having any of it. lucky me there's still the world cup that keeps my spirits alive, but i'm kinda worried as to how i would make it thru the june holidays next year alive though.

right now there's this huge gang bang going on outside my place jus downstairs on the field, some sort of soccer tornaments. there's like a million kids, well not exactly, more like youths jus playing their ass off, and in the process making a lot of noise. i can't really focus, guess i'll jus have to wait till after dinner, where i have some quiet time to really site down and do some work.

time is running out and my mind is still a blank slate, i'm really scared this time, scared of failure. i hate failures, it makes me feel inferior. i haven't really felt inferior in a long time, i guess i'll jus have to deal with it. i really wanna get out, to go experience the world, but i sort of know that i have to conquer myself first, that is true character - the mark of a man.

seize the day i heard him say, life won't always be this way. look around, hear the sounds, cherish your life while you're still around... carpe diem

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gone but not forgotten

it's been a while since i blogged. taken a huge hit on thursday. well pete left for good, gone back to OZ...

it didn't really occur to me how until the day before... after i went to his house jus to hang out. we did some random shit, i gave him the vans with the card in it and felt pretty good. i thought that was a good bye, you know sort of a friendly "hey cya man".

then thursday came, i couldn't do shit the whole day, i couldn't concentrate. something jus got stirred inside me, and all the memories came flooding in by the truckloads. i got hit by a hurricane. and then at 5, him and his dad came over. we didn't talk much, i remember saying to him spain caned ukraine, and he said yea. it's almost like we became strangers. there was a period of silence, we didn't know what to say to each other, we didn't even look at each other in the eye. i was afraid of what might happen. then his dad said they'd better get moving coz they're leaving for the airport at 6... we got up and i gave him a bear hug... it was the silent goodbye... we shook hands, like 3 times and i still remember the lift door closing, we jus stared, lingering, and then the final closure of those heavy, metallic slates. it's like something put a lid on my head, clamped it shut. my heart jus dropped. i felt fucked up.

then before i went down at abt 5.30, pete sent me a message saying goodbye for the last time, i remember staring at my phone and jus crying out loud... i cried, i cried my heart out for the first time in years. i can't even remember when's the last time i cried. time stood still and again all the memories jus hit me like and avalanche. i was devastated, i crumbled, something in me died.

i had no idea i cared so much. all these 7 years i jus took pete for a friend, not that i didn't give a shit, but it's like we're such good friends i almost took him for granted. i love him (not like gay or anything), loved him as a friend. he's almost like a brother to me. i had the best times of my life here and having a friend like that is jus awesome...

then at 8, before he boarded, he messaged me again, to say goodbye yet again, i told him i cried, and i can vividly remember that reply "dun worry man, everyone cries". i cried again for the 2nd time that day, this time with a certain smile on my face, i was sad but this time i somehow forgave myself for crying, it's not shameful anymore, it was okay to cry...

i doubt i'll get over it, everytime i think of the day pete left, tears still swell up in my eyes. it's only been 2 days since pete left and soccer hasn't been like the way it used to be without pete. i fell really bad, took some skin off my knee, fucked up my hip and my archilles. but it was ok. somehow i think pete's leaving changed me, i'm not the same person i used to be... i dunno, i jus realised i cared much more about what's around me than i thought... i think i've grown up

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