5 Lies I Told Myself

I haven't blogged in a very long time and wanted to get back into the habit of cataloging my thoughts.  Lately I've been all over the map with my thoughts about everything in life.  Life is crazy and very busy these days.  I'm in my clinical rotation and submitted my graduation plan.  Hopefully I get my first degree in December.  This is step one and a huge accomplishment in what has been a very long and difficult journey. 

My choice in degrees, the health care field, is one I'm passionate about.  I believe in evidence-based medicine and am very skeptical of pseudoscience.  The further along I get, the more crystallized my pathway is become  I love science.  LOVE IT!  I read science journals and studies for fun and books about the history of science.  This has several affects on my personal life.  First, I'm pretty sure I'm a dull person to talk to.  My brain is full of "fun facts" and stats.  Secondly, I'm pretty intolerant of people who are not well-versed in science telling me where I'm wrong or to "educate myself" then to assert a crazy opinion that's strictly anecdotal.  It drives me up the wall actually.  So far, I've held my tongue since I realize that there's no arguing.  At that point I mark it up to a fundamental difference and ignore it.  This leads to the first lie I told myself because that's not something that would've bothered me prior to going back to school.

1)  School Won't Change Who I Am....LIE
 I am a vastly different person than the woman who sat down in her first class 6 years ago after deciding to go back to school after having children.  6 years of balancing school, kids, after school activities and church.  It's changed everything.  The way I think.  The way my children see me.  The things that I'm interested in.  My confidence and self esteem (which honestly were never lacking) have only benefited from going back to school. 

2)  It's Easy....LIE
This never-ending juggling act is so hard.  Right now, for example, I'm in full-time classes and have to get a certain number of clinical hours in before a May 2 deadline.  Translation:  I have to get up and get my kids dressed and ready for school every day and myself dressed for either work or school depending on the day and leave before 7:30 to get there on time.  Every day, Monday-Friday.  Missing one day has serious consequences and all time is borrowed from something else.  As of today, I have a test tomorrow, a paper due Friday and I'm behind in my math class.  While doing my interning today, I got a call from my oldest son from school who was in the nurse's office begging to come home.  I hoped he would get better so I wouldn't have to cut my hours short today because as it stands, I'll be 6 hours short unless I can work a few Saturdays in the next few weeks.  So, yeah, it's really hard.  I've wanted to quit so many times.  Having a baby in the middle of a semester almost 4 years ago was the closest I got to quitting.  It was really hard to continue.  I'm not sure if stubbornness, pride or fear of student loans kept me going.  Now I just want to finish what I've started.

3)  If I Can Do It, Anyone Can....LIE
Let me start this one by saying that I absolutely don't think I'm smarter than most people, not even a little bit.  I'm a huge advocate of educating women and will always answer any question anyone has about getting started, learning the juggling act or tricks to navigate the murky waters of financial aid since I learned all that from scratch. 
What I mean by I don't think anyone can do it, is I've seen people start all around me and stop when things got hard.  Going in you have to be prepared to cry and scream, want to run away from home, have your kids tell you that you never have time for them (that one hurts the most).  It has almost destroyed me completely and if a person is softer it might.  My lack of soul has helped in this instance.  ;)

4)  The Cost Will Be Worth It....LIE
I'm still not sure of this one.  I miss everything.  It's the end of March and I have yet to set foot in my oldest son's middle school this year aside from dropping off a lunch or bag he left at home or in my car.  I have only spoken to his teachers on the phone and don't know what his locker looks like.  I miss most scout functions and he has zero patches sewn or even glued on.  That's all cost...to him.  My younger son can't do the extracurricular activities he wants to because I have night classes every other semester and my schedule is so erratic at times that we can't have regular activities.  He also has no patches on his scout shirt and I missed his curriculum night where he made a special project to show his family.  That's another cost.  My daughter goes to a babysitter 5 days a week, something I swore I'd never do.  She loves her sitter and the kids there but the mommy guilt is almost debilitating at times.  Cost Cost Cost

5)  It Will All Work Itself Out...LIE
When I first started school, this was the biggest lie I told myself.  Not just once either but repeatedly.  When things were hard and there was a test pending, the lie emerged.  It's going to work itself out.  No, you work it out.  You can't put off writing a paper or studying for an exam and hope things will work out.  Yes, time will still move forward and things will work out but not the way the lie was having you believe.  Work works itself out.  The harder you work, the easier things fall into place.  That's the truth of the matter.  This goes back to juggling.  A big secret I've learned is doing homework in the carline.  I get there really early and work my butt off for an hour.  My toddler is contained and entertained and I have a moment to myself to get some work done. 
I think the lie spawned from high school.  High school was easy for me, I don't think I did an ounce of studying for 4 years.  So the thought was that college would be like that.  At first, it was.  The classes were easy and the A's came naturally.  Then came a coding class.  I studied for 4-6 hours a night and worked myself stupid and still ended up with a 78.  This was a hard lesson, my gpa dropped and my ego was crushed.  The motto, study smarter, not harder became my credence. 


Now, within sight of the first milestone, I'm reflecting on this journey and wondering if faced with the decision again if I'd make the same choice.  I probably would but it would be much more thought out than it was the first time around.

What Was I Thinking?

I wonder that every time I sit down to take a test, or run on campus to talk to an advisor or buy 35 million $$ worth of books. I look at all the moms enjoying their time with their children and shopping and lunching and am jealous. There, I said it. Not that I don't have fun with friends or lunch or shop but there's always a ticking clock in the back of my mind. My brain is full of due dates and projects. This makes me wonder...why oh why didn't I finish school before I was married and had kids and what in the world was I thinking when I decided to go to PA school as a mother of 3. Did I hit my head? 5 years in and there's no turning back at this point. But, holy cow, if I knew then what I know now, would I make the same decisions? Not sure. I love school but don't want to be IN school any longer. But, because it's part-time, there's about 7 more years or so looming in my future.

The Happenings

It's been forever...and a few days since I've blogged. Things are a bit nutty, as usual. The boys are doing great and Charly is so much fun! Ryan is doing better at school and is looking forward to the 4th grade next year. Noah is loving kinder and is wowing everyone with his 6th grade reading level. Charlotte is a delight to be around, most of the time. She has her toddler moments, for sure but is overall just fun and smiles. She's talking up a storm and usually I can understand what she's saying. :D School is so hard this semester. That's the main reason I haven't blogged since Christmas. School started in January and has been all-consuming since then. I'm only taking a few classes but they're difficult ones and one is a science class with a lab that requires I go on campus. Since I'm a busy full-time mom, the only time I have to do that is at night. That means I have a class twice a week from 7:30pm until 11pm. Such long nights and they make me feel drained the next day. Luckily, there are only 3 more weeks left of class then I'll feel like myself again.

Tis The Season

This is our first Christmas in our new house and I've been reflecting on the past. Tomorrow will be our 9th Christmas as parents and it changed the way I look at this time of year. I want to impart the importance of giving and the true meaning of the season as well as pass on fun family traditions. It's a balancing act that I'm not sure I've got down.

Today I was reading past posts and was reminded again at how blessed we are to have Charlotte in our lives. She completes our family. This is the first Christmas that she'll notice and the boys are excited to see how she reacts in the morning.

How much difference a few years makes. I went from being resigned that I will never have another baby (and randomly crying) to feeling complete and content and loving the family I've been blessed with. I'm so grateful for my wonderful family and can't wait for Christmas tomorrow. Tons of Pictures to come!! My camera is charged and ready to go. :D

A Lot Has Happened

It's been awhile since I've blogged. I always seem to start my posts like that too but there just never seems to be enough time to do all I want to do and then blog about it later...forget about it. Since school started, we've had a whirlwind of activity. School has been hard, it's my hardest semester yet taking about 30 hours a week of homework. Luckily, my girl is amazing and takes really decent naps most days so I have time to work.
Right smack in the middle of the semester, we moved. That added a nice dose of stress to our lives. It was interesting juggling packing, homework and keeping the kid's routines going. Now we're mostly settled in our new house and getting unpacked.
Halloween was a blast! I made Charly's costume and it turned out so cute! It's the first Halloween costume I've ever made for one of my kids.