2010

in 2010, i will:

1. fall in love - with Jesus all over again


2. make a decision with regards to (1). and find new purpose with Him.


3. stay in love - with myself! :)


4. fall in love - if the right person comes along. on this note, i have decided that unless i'm officially attached next year, i will spend valentine's day alone. i think i'm old enough to break out of this commercial trap. anw, it's cny day 1.


5. make more friends.


6. work hard and do well in school. this is imperative.


7. attempt to finish a full marathon.


8. exercise at least three times a week. to lose more weight.


9. apply for grad school (that means doing my GREs and filling out my apps...oh my.)


10. source for a good summer internship (preferably OVERSEAS...think london, think london, think london)


11. buy less clothes. much much much less. um...i'm quite skeptical of my discipline in this aspect. but then again, i bought so much this year than it's quite easy to buy much much less.


12. travel to america at the end of the year...fingers crossed. west coast then east coast, spending christmas and new year in new york. :)

i'm turning 24. two rounds of the chinese zodiac. i'm a tiger. roar!! i'm so old i'm gonna die soon. :(

my material well-being...

someone asked me last night if the shirt i had on was from raoul. others thought i tailor-made it. far from it, i actually purchased it off-the-shelf from china - the source of most of my formal shirts. the formal shirts i bought in the past before this year are generally too big nowadays.

from most observers' points of view, i seem to be one who spends a lot on my clothes, my bags, my shoes etc. i do not deny that i probably spend more than the average person on my external. yet, the amount is probably far less than most people imagine. as best as i can, i try to maximise my dollar and spend wisely.

here are a few things i do:
-hardly ever shop in singapore. prices are crazy. i only buy things at sales in singapore.
-wait for sales.
-for things like hair products, neighbourhood shops usually offer fantastic deals.
-look for factory outlets and reject stores. these are available in america, in europe, in china...
-do not tailor-make. it's a waste of money. what if you grow fatter or thinner? the sizes available off-the-rack are tailored for the typical consumer, which most of us are. take your time to search for what suits you.
-window shop in the boutique outlets, remember the model numbers that you want, and search on ebay. this works particularly well on things like watches, electronics etc.

well, christmas is coming. for gift ideas, a sizeable contribution to the aaron-travels-europe-and-america-in-2010 fund will be deeply appreciated. love y'all! :D

it's one of those days...

it's one of those days that i suddenly feel very down and out, lousy about myself, about my life and its lack of direction. i woke up feeling like that. i don't know why. i generally feel very alone and lonely these days. sigh.

i was listening to a sermon this morning that said Jesus understands everything you're going through, because He's 100% man. He went through it even worse. He understands your depression. if Jesus had to go through depression as well, how did He cope? i hope He'll come and help me cope now. i'm sure Jesus felt very lonely as well. how did He cope? Jesus help me.

i have so many internal struggles. there are struggles that i can share only with one or two people. there are struggles that i cannot even breathe to a single soul. it's really weighing down on me. crushing me. i feel really caught right now. i'm trying to do what i've been told needs to be done, but that is just so hard. i'm so confused, so disillusioned. and even if i have the willingness, even if i can somehow muster the strength to move forward, i actually don't know what to do. i don't expect many people to understand this part. hahaha.

anw, work is dreadful cos i have nothing much to do, quite unfulfilling. i look forward to knock off. but there isn't much to do after that. weekends used to be something to look forward to. but now, they're so different.

thinking back, i went through this so many times in the past few years. sigh.

i'm glad yujie's still here for now. but oh my. come 28th dec, the writing's on the wall man. :( chatting with cleo today kinda cheered me up. and i was chatting with zhanwei two nights ago. that was awesome. we really opened up a bit more to each other. that was when i really felt much less alone. i still have friends. i should try to be happy.

oh gawd. i realise the incoherence of this whole post. i am obviously rather depressed. sigh. :(

okay. things i'm looking forward to (and they all have a common thread):
1. going to korea and beijing in december. the weather forecast shows FREEZING temperatures. nights are all negative temperatures. i think it's gonna be wonderful. winter wonderland. haven't been to korea in 20 years (makes me feel so old saying this) and haven't been skiing in my life. and i really miss beijing a lot. the food, the shopping. hopefully it'll be enjoyable...
2. roadtrip with zhanwei and rio (not sure if lina is coming). it's gonna be so awesome! we haven't been in the same car since bible school days. miss the good old times when we will sing crazy songs together. and just talk and laugh about the stupidest things. the roadtrip leads to the retreat at sunway KL. themepark...hmmm...mixed emotions. i enter with fear and trepedition. haha.
3. getaway to bintan in january! with darian. i have been to bali (which i love) and batam (which i hate). now to give bintan a chance. after all, it's merely 45 min away.

isn't the common thread obvious?

you

it's been a few years since i joined you. good times. i was young, you were welcoming and embracing. i gave you some of my best years. my time, my energy, my finances. i did everything willingly. i felt that everything was rewarding, everything was worth it. friendships (i thought they were friendships) blossomed.

i must admit that i used to love you. with all my heart, i loved you. i was proud to be associated with you. i didn't care what others thought or said. when your milestone birthday came up, it broke my heart not to be able to be part of the occasion. i wrote you a nice tribute, and i meant every single word with all my heart.

but now, i feel disillusioned, lost and confused. have you changed? or have i changed? have i not given you my very best in the past? and now i feel neglected. i feel hurt. i don't know what to do. i used to have more reason to stay. but the reasons are now dwindling. finally, i'm down to only one reason - him (with a small 'h'). he loved me when i was unlovable. he laughed with me when i was defiant. he embraced me when i left, and embraced me when i returned.

i don't know how long he will be able to hold me. please forgive me if i forsake you one day. i tried my very best...i know that He is not exclusively yours.