It wasn't supposed to be like that. I was supposed to return to Singapore hopeful, doing something exciting for a big multinational company. Things are much worse than I imagined.
I'm not prepared to quit. I want to work things through. But I've tried everything within my means. And still stuck. Still a deadend. I know many who start out need to struggle through. And I guess it has been a blessing that in previous organizations, I've always had a guiding hand or two or even more. What am I going to do now?
And adding more anxiety is friendship not going well. I probably prize friendship among the top things in life. But well, I make mistakes too. What to do? I seriously don't know.
Adding even more mental stress is the burden of ministry. I just got back and wham! More and more things building up.
I am mentally very drained and tired. I don't know what to do. I'm seeing early signs of my depression coming. Crap la, haven't been depressed for so long, don't want to go back there. I'm a firm believer in mind over matter. Mental strength to overcome problems. That's why I cannot be depressed. My mind will lose it's ability to fight. No no nooooo. Depression go away.
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone
Tuesday, October 27, 2009
Friday, October 23, 2009
spousal advice
constantly being in the church environment can be very pressurizing for a single person. people get attached, get engaged, get married at a rate that alarms me. and many a time, people ask me if i have anyone in mind, when i intend to get attached etc etc.
my answer is always, i'm enjoying my singlehood. i'm 23, not 32. being single is not inappropriate or out of the ordinary. would it be nice to be attached? well of course! but i am in no hurry and i am certainly not going to get attached for the sake of getting attached. i am comforted as i look at my jc friends. there are those who are happily attached, but others like me are happily single. that's the demographic i would consider normal. hahaha.
http://www.ft.com/cms/s/0/9563a05c-b763-11de-9812-00144feab49a.html?nclick_check=1
well the ft ran an article (see above) on spousal advice and how important your partner's advice is. your spouse is probably the only person who can really be honest with you. and so your spouse's advice is crucial. which means, you need a spouse who can give you sound advice.
one's spouse can make or break one's destiny. what kind of person am i looking for? someone driven, someone capable, someone who is intelligent and shrewd, someone who can support me through this life. my mum (being a homemaker) usually interjects at this point to say, "someone not like your mum right?". on the contrary, that simply isn't true. my mum supported my dad through some of the toughest years of building a business (being the accountant for his business), while building the house herself. in quintessence, someone who can move in the same direction as me in this life and create an impact together.
being single is good. it's very enjoyable. commitment-free or as some might prefer, fancy-free...hahaha. can spend time with friends, do fun and crazy stuff. but it does get harder as the people around you increasingly become attached or horrors, married!! i will settle down eventually. but for now, that lady eludes me. i'm still young and am not actively on the lookout. so please people, don't keep bugging me to get attached. i am so fancy-free! hahaha.
my answer is always, i'm enjoying my singlehood. i'm 23, not 32. being single is not inappropriate or out of the ordinary. would it be nice to be attached? well of course! but i am in no hurry and i am certainly not going to get attached for the sake of getting attached. i am comforted as i look at my jc friends. there are those who are happily attached, but others like me are happily single. that's the demographic i would consider normal. hahaha.
http://www.ft.com/cms/s/0/9563a05c-b763-11de-9812-00144feab49a.html?nclick_check=1
well the ft ran an article (see above) on spousal advice and how important your partner's advice is. your spouse is probably the only person who can really be honest with you. and so your spouse's advice is crucial. which means, you need a spouse who can give you sound advice.
one's spouse can make or break one's destiny. what kind of person am i looking for? someone driven, someone capable, someone who is intelligent and shrewd, someone who can support me through this life. my mum (being a homemaker) usually interjects at this point to say, "someone not like your mum right?". on the contrary, that simply isn't true. my mum supported my dad through some of the toughest years of building a business (being the accountant for his business), while building the house herself. in quintessence, someone who can move in the same direction as me in this life and create an impact together.
being single is good. it's very enjoyable. commitment-free or as some might prefer, fancy-free...hahaha. can spend time with friends, do fun and crazy stuff. but it does get harder as the people around you increasingly become attached or horrors, married!! i will settle down eventually. but for now, that lady eludes me. i'm still young and am not actively on the lookout. so please people, don't keep bugging me to get attached. i am so fancy-free! hahaha.
Wednesday, October 21, 2009
retrospection
first, i need to write about last friday. if you read sebastian's blog, he writes about it so casually. but in my case, as a result of friday, i could not get out of bed on saturday, could not sit, stand or walk properly on saturday and sunday.
it was half day for me. so i decided to book a badminton court and try sparring with seb, who is a pro player. well, we went two games and i wanted to die. but he went on, next set next set!! i was so tired. i beat him three sets out of eight (for all three he was using his left hand).
i was so beat after badminton. so beat. but seb said, let's go bowling!! he is this insanely fit, crazy guy. so after a break at the cafe, we went bowling. because i had to take a call, he bowled by himself. we totalled 19 games, 13 of which were his. my right arm was on the verge of dropping off. but did seb slow down? noooo. he said let's go gym!! so fine, we went to the gym for a workout. i ran and he did weights. after the gym, seb said let's go swimming.
and thanks to all these exertions, all my muscles were aching and aching over the weekend. it was so not funny. not only is seb insanely fit, he's quite brilliant too (rare combination of brains and brawn). we had a game of chinese chess at night. and usually my peers don't hold out for long, but he took me all the way, losing to me only by a whisker. really had a great time that day. thanks seb. for what? well, shockingly, and this is so not me, i find myself enjoying sports a little. a big step forward from the pig i was last year!! it was probably the best day since i got back to singapore.
which brings me back to retrospection. more than a month in singapore. sighs. the sigh says it all. although this year is better than last, somehow i feel directionless and lost. feel like i'm in a rut. been working for almost six weeks. feel so frustrated. there are things i shouldn't write here. but well, i'm facing problems la.
i'm 23, going on to 24 soon. seriously, my life needs to go somewhere. i cannot stand just sitting around, realizing that i'm not doing anything or going anywhere. gosh i'm confused. every time i meet up with old friends, i see others doing amazing things in life. i need to do amazing things too!! arrrrrrgh. this is supposed to be the best time of my life. my twenties. why do i feel so frustrated? so soo sooo frustrated.
another thing that is adding to my confusion. i've been part of the same organization for years now. i've always loved the organization, the leaders, the people i get to work with. recently, i've started to question certain things in the organization. i've started to feel lethargy as i go for activites. i don't know what to do. i don't know if i'm thinking right. i don't know if i can carry on like this. i don't know if i'm going to stay for long. so many don't knows, so many doubts, so many unanswered questions, yet so many things to handle. i'm only human. forgive me.
i need to get my act together really. i'm really grateful for the friends around me. seb of cos, who is like the best buddy ever! and yujie, who has done so much to make my transition back to sg as comfortable as it can be - chatting constantly when i was in china, talking and meeting up often in sg, sharing the burden of my frustrations, talking in babiboo language that makes me laugh.
not forgetting xiu ming. such a blessing that she has been in singapore. we've managed to meet up once a week. she always provides a listening ear plus a wise and globalized perspective to everything. we laugh and reminisce together of our younger days (we are old, OLD!). very importantly, she took me to an excellent sichuan restaurant in singapore. sad thing is, she's leaving for new york this friday. take care xiu. i'll try my best to visit next year!! am going to miss you loads. i need more friends like you. :(
it was half day for me. so i decided to book a badminton court and try sparring with seb, who is a pro player. well, we went two games and i wanted to die. but he went on, next set next set!! i was so tired. i beat him three sets out of eight (for all three he was using his left hand).
i was so beat after badminton. so beat. but seb said, let's go bowling!! he is this insanely fit, crazy guy. so after a break at the cafe, we went bowling. because i had to take a call, he bowled by himself. we totalled 19 games, 13 of which were his. my right arm was on the verge of dropping off. but did seb slow down? noooo. he said let's go gym!! so fine, we went to the gym for a workout. i ran and he did weights. after the gym, seb said let's go swimming.
and thanks to all these exertions, all my muscles were aching and aching over the weekend. it was so not funny. not only is seb insanely fit, he's quite brilliant too (rare combination of brains and brawn). we had a game of chinese chess at night. and usually my peers don't hold out for long, but he took me all the way, losing to me only by a whisker. really had a great time that day. thanks seb. for what? well, shockingly, and this is so not me, i find myself enjoying sports a little. a big step forward from the pig i was last year!! it was probably the best day since i got back to singapore.
which brings me back to retrospection. more than a month in singapore. sighs. the sigh says it all. although this year is better than last, somehow i feel directionless and lost. feel like i'm in a rut. been working for almost six weeks. feel so frustrated. there are things i shouldn't write here. but well, i'm facing problems la.
i'm 23, going on to 24 soon. seriously, my life needs to go somewhere. i cannot stand just sitting around, realizing that i'm not doing anything or going anywhere. gosh i'm confused. every time i meet up with old friends, i see others doing amazing things in life. i need to do amazing things too!! arrrrrrgh. this is supposed to be the best time of my life. my twenties. why do i feel so frustrated? so soo sooo frustrated.
another thing that is adding to my confusion. i've been part of the same organization for years now. i've always loved the organization, the leaders, the people i get to work with. recently, i've started to question certain things in the organization. i've started to feel lethargy as i go for activites. i don't know what to do. i don't know if i'm thinking right. i don't know if i can carry on like this. i don't know if i'm going to stay for long. so many don't knows, so many doubts, so many unanswered questions, yet so many things to handle. i'm only human. forgive me.
i need to get my act together really. i'm really grateful for the friends around me. seb of cos, who is like the best buddy ever! and yujie, who has done so much to make my transition back to sg as comfortable as it can be - chatting constantly when i was in china, talking and meeting up often in sg, sharing the burden of my frustrations, talking in babiboo language that makes me laugh.
not forgetting xiu ming. such a blessing that she has been in singapore. we've managed to meet up once a week. she always provides a listening ear plus a wise and globalized perspective to everything. we laugh and reminisce together of our younger days (we are old, OLD!). very importantly, she took me to an excellent sichuan restaurant in singapore. sad thing is, she's leaving for new york this friday. take care xiu. i'll try my best to visit next year!! am going to miss you loads. i need more friends like you. :(
Monday, October 12, 2009
wisen up please
http://www.divaasia.com/article/5479
i was going to write this on facebook but well, let's just say, i don't want to be in the shoes of people like terence who has to needlessly defend his (mostly accurate and justifiable) opinions against an unthinking mob.
i just read the first article about sun and lady gaga. this is an article that tries to defend sun. a reporter does not need to make any judgement calls in writing but this one went out of his/her way to say that, "From our observations of the webchat, Sun did not appear to fake an accent during the chat." it was in fact a very nice gesture. the article is a balanced article that brings to light both compliments and criticism of sun. to think that the press is always shooting down our own, anti-sun, anti-city harvest, is mere paranoia. and i do not blame tnp for publishing saturday's article . sometimes i think city harvesters can be very ignorant. jump to defend sun against an article that is quite fair and not anti-sun.
i was going to write this on facebook but well, let's just say, i don't want to be in the shoes of people like terence who has to needlessly defend his (mostly accurate and justifiable) opinions against an unthinking mob.
i just read the first article about sun and lady gaga. this is an article that tries to defend sun. a reporter does not need to make any judgement calls in writing but this one went out of his/her way to say that, "From our observations of the webchat, Sun did not appear to fake an accent during the chat." it was in fact a very nice gesture. the article is a balanced article that brings to light both compliments and criticism of sun. to think that the press is always shooting down our own, anti-sun, anti-city harvest, is mere paranoia. and i do not blame tnp for publishing saturday's article . sometimes i think city harvesters can be very ignorant. jump to defend sun against an article that is quite fair and not anti-sun.
Thursday, October 8, 2009
nice!
i've had my ups and downs in the past 4 weeks (it's only been 4 weeks but it seems like an eternity in singapore already). but anyhows, i shall ignore the negatives and focus on the nice things that happened.
on tuesday morning, one of my good friends whom i usually drive around msged me in the morning. he wanted to buy me macs drivethru breakfast and drive me to work (because usually i drive and he eats). a friend who knows how to speak aaron chew's love languages - acts of service (driving), quality time (the time spent in the terrible morning jam) and gift giving (breakfast) is a friend indeed! THANK YOU!
on wednesday night, some people were commenting on a photo of me on facebook. some unpleasant remarks came up. it's something that i've long been resigned to and so, while i still did feel something, a big part of me was already numb. i can't change what people say, but i can change the way i think about myself. but one of my friends left a comment to the effect of, "he is my Best Friend. even if he...i will still accept him for who he is." i was stunned. yes i was not too upset, but who doesn't like it when someone else makes a stand on your behalf? i, for one, love it!! THANK YOU!
on thursday afternoon, and this is huge...i was asked to cover...and this is huge...the APEC summit in singapore. as i reviewed the members of apec in my head, i was like waoh!! just from the g20, you have president barack obama (usa), president hu jintao (china), president dmitry medvedev (russia), prime minister yukio hatoyama (japan), prime minister lee myung bak (south korea), president felipe calderon (mexico), prime minister stephen harper (canada), prime minister kevin rudd (australia), president susilo bambang yudhoyono (indonesia)...there are no less than 9 leaders attending. and then take a look at the business leaders who are attending...victor fung of li and fung (huge distributor of watches), stephen green of hsbc, dennis nally of pwc (biggest accounting firm in the world), jiang jianqing of icbc (biggest bank in the world by deposits and loans). for me to be part of the team that covers this event, is like a dream. THANK YOU!
on tuesday morning, one of my good friends whom i usually drive around msged me in the morning. he wanted to buy me macs drivethru breakfast and drive me to work (because usually i drive and he eats). a friend who knows how to speak aaron chew's love languages - acts of service (driving), quality time (the time spent in the terrible morning jam) and gift giving (breakfast) is a friend indeed! THANK YOU!
on wednesday night, some people were commenting on a photo of me on facebook. some unpleasant remarks came up. it's something that i've long been resigned to and so, while i still did feel something, a big part of me was already numb. i can't change what people say, but i can change the way i think about myself. but one of my friends left a comment to the effect of, "he is my Best Friend. even if he...i will still accept him for who he is." i was stunned. yes i was not too upset, but who doesn't like it when someone else makes a stand on your behalf? i, for one, love it!! THANK YOU!
on thursday afternoon, and this is huge...i was asked to cover...and this is huge...the APEC summit in singapore. as i reviewed the members of apec in my head, i was like waoh!! just from the g20, you have president barack obama (usa), president hu jintao (china), president dmitry medvedev (russia), prime minister yukio hatoyama (japan), prime minister lee myung bak (south korea), president felipe calderon (mexico), prime minister stephen harper (canada), prime minister kevin rudd (australia), president susilo bambang yudhoyono (indonesia)...there are no less than 9 leaders attending. and then take a look at the business leaders who are attending...victor fung of li and fung (huge distributor of watches), stephen green of hsbc, dennis nally of pwc (biggest accounting firm in the world), jiang jianqing of icbc (biggest bank in the world by deposits and loans). for me to be part of the team that covers this event, is like a dream. THANK YOU!
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