look at the happy guy on the left. i miss him so much. i wish he would come back. or maybe i need to go look for him. in the united states, or in europe.
i wish something would go well in my life. it pains me that my life is like that. i am so depressed. it takes an effort for me to do anything. i have never been this depressed before. it just gets worse and worse. i'm killing myself slowly. sigh.
i was never popular. when u're fat, pple have preconceived notions about u. i never had it easy like some (selected lucky) people had. everything in my life, i worked very very hard for. if i wanted people to like me, i had to be nice to them. if i wanted results, i had to put in effort. some people have it easy. good looks, charisma...they have it all. things in life come easier for them (maybe not easy, but easier). my life is a culmination of my time, my sweat, my tears. it soooo saddens me that it's like that. everything i wanted, everything i achieved, i worked very hard for it.
the big question i have been asking myself. why? why am i such a failure? or should i say FAILURE with capital letters? where did i go wrong? i really don't know. was it august last year? december last year? maybe august this year? my life has nothing to look forward to. nothing. i spend my time staring at the ceiling. it never changes. i'm in a daze of depression all the time. life is being sucked right out of me. yujie's right. i'm wasting my life away. but i don't know where i can actually apply my life usefully. i have reached the dead end of the maze.
2007 was bad. but i ended 2007 hopeful for 2008. 2008 seems to be heading in the direction of worse. trial after trial after trial in 2008. how much more am i expected to take? just how much more? i'm down trodden, i'm battered, i'm tired, i feel like a complete loser.
i cannot imagine 2009.
Sunday, November 30, 2008
Saturday, November 29, 2008
when your world crashes
my world crashed yesterday - again may i add. again. story of my life. sigh.
when your world crashes, you probably don't need a lot. no amount of counsel, advice or even money can really make the situation that much better. but you want someone to be there. a friend. just to sit with quietly, to smile at, to tell you to be strong, things will turn out all right. a friend to put his arm around your shoulder and give you a squeeze so you know that you're not alone.
thank you for being that friend for me yujie. i really appreciate what you've done for me yesterday. ((:
i hate my life though. )):
when your world crashes, you probably don't need a lot. no amount of counsel, advice or even money can really make the situation that much better. but you want someone to be there. a friend. just to sit with quietly, to smile at, to tell you to be strong, things will turn out all right. a friend to put his arm around your shoulder and give you a squeeze so you know that you're not alone.
thank you for being that friend for me yujie. i really appreciate what you've done for me yesterday. ((:
i hate my life though. )):
Tuesday, November 25, 2008
screwed
express your life in one word: screwed
express your life in two words: i'm screwed
express your life in three words: i'm so screwed
express your life in four words: i'm really so screwed
express your life in five words: u kinda get the picture
i'm screwed. i don't know how i ended up a total and complete failure. i just feel like killing myself...but i can't help but feel there's more to my life. from september last year till now, what good has really come out of my life? when have i been happy? well, apart from the two wonderful months i spent in america.
my life is a bitch. my life totally and completely sucks. someone needs to tell me the good that came out of me giving up my future in the uk. somebody please enlighten me. please. exam in like 2 hours. but what's the point? sigh.
i used to be able to say to everyone (except sports people), "whatever u can do i can do better". that's the raffles spirit. now...sigh. the only thing i seem to be good at now is smiling and putting on a happy front. so here's to "happy" me. :D
express your life in two words: i'm screwed
express your life in three words: i'm so screwed
express your life in four words: i'm really so screwed
express your life in five words: u kinda get the picture
i'm screwed. i don't know how i ended up a total and complete failure. i just feel like killing myself...but i can't help but feel there's more to my life. from september last year till now, what good has really come out of my life? when have i been happy? well, apart from the two wonderful months i spent in america.
my life is a bitch. my life totally and completely sucks. someone needs to tell me the good that came out of me giving up my future in the uk. somebody please enlighten me. please. exam in like 2 hours. but what's the point? sigh.
i used to be able to say to everyone (except sports people), "whatever u can do i can do better". that's the raffles spirit. now...sigh. the only thing i seem to be good at now is smiling and putting on a happy front. so here's to "happy" me. :D
Friday, November 21, 2008
jehovah
oh no, you never let go
through the calm and through the storm
oh no, you never let go
in every high and every low
oh no, you never let go
lord, you never let go of me
walking out of the first exam for this semester, i felt the weight of the world on my shoulders. on one hand, asia conference is really getting me pumped up. but on the other, i just feel that my life is a failure. dr ulf ekman preached a fantastic word last night. it was so good. trusting in god, u walk into a holy uncertainty. sometimes i feel that my life is wholly uncertain. but that's not that bad actually. my life now is wholly certain. it's certain that i'm not going to do well this sem. understatement! i will do so badly this sem. sigh.
before last september, aaron chew was a fighter. the aaron chew back then took pride in his work and despised slipshod behavior. the aaron chew back then strove for excellence. excellence=greater in quantity, better in quality, outdoing his job description, trying to outdo himself each time. always always always excellent. the aaron chew back then was happy and optimistic. the aaron chew back then knew where his life was going. the aaron chew back then was so full of hope.
the aaron chew today is someone i don't recognise. i don't know how my life went down this downhill journey. depressed, hopeless, accepting of mediocrity, easily knocked down, a terrible terrible failure. it's so sad. so depressing. i am really depressed.
god, i need u. i need the jehovah god, the redeeming god. where are u? please turn me back to the aaron chew i once was. i really don't like what i've turned into. i need a second chance. maybe not a second chance. cos time cannot be turned back. sigh. i need a fresh start.
thanks for being a great friend at this point in time. i told u that u don't need to care so much. u shd care abt your own studies. i don't want my state to drag u down too. yet, u choose to stay and lend a supporting arm. study hard! i hope u do exceedingly well! :D
two more papers to go. what a massacre.
through the calm and through the storm
oh no, you never let go
in every high and every low
oh no, you never let go
lord, you never let go of me
walking out of the first exam for this semester, i felt the weight of the world on my shoulders. on one hand, asia conference is really getting me pumped up. but on the other, i just feel that my life is a failure. dr ulf ekman preached a fantastic word last night. it was so good. trusting in god, u walk into a holy uncertainty. sometimes i feel that my life is wholly uncertain. but that's not that bad actually. my life now is wholly certain. it's certain that i'm not going to do well this sem. understatement! i will do so badly this sem. sigh.
before last september, aaron chew was a fighter. the aaron chew back then took pride in his work and despised slipshod behavior. the aaron chew back then strove for excellence. excellence=greater in quantity, better in quality, outdoing his job description, trying to outdo himself each time. always always always excellent. the aaron chew back then was happy and optimistic. the aaron chew back then knew where his life was going. the aaron chew back then was so full of hope.
the aaron chew today is someone i don't recognise. i don't know how my life went down this downhill journey. depressed, hopeless, accepting of mediocrity, easily knocked down, a terrible terrible failure. it's so sad. so depressing. i am really depressed.
god, i need u. i need the jehovah god, the redeeming god. where are u? please turn me back to the aaron chew i once was. i really don't like what i've turned into. i need a second chance. maybe not a second chance. cos time cannot be turned back. sigh. i need a fresh start.
thanks for being a great friend at this point in time. i told u that u don't need to care so much. u shd care abt your own studies. i don't want my state to drag u down too. yet, u choose to stay and lend a supporting arm. study hard! i hope u do exceedingly well! :D
two more papers to go. what a massacre.
Tuesday, November 18, 2008
18 nov
happy birthday darian!! 10 birthdays this is. 1999 - 2008. wow that makes us seem so old doesn't it. thanks for all your rubbish that never ever fails to make me laugh. come back sooooooooon. stay hot! :))
happy birthday yujie!! u're the coolest friend around. thanks for sticking by me throughout all the rubbish i put u through. the past few months have been so trying. i really don't think i could have survived without u. the little things that u do that make me laugh when i'm frowning or even crying on the inside. appreciate it. stay cool! :))
both of u rock my world. whee!!
asia conference is tmr. i'm super duper uper luber excited. hahaha. some of the greatest preachers in the world gathering in singapore. what a great opportunity to receive. wow.
i pray that these 5 days will be a time that energizes me to continue this journey of 2008. i have come to a point whereby i feel that my life is on the brink of collapse. i don't know what to do, where to go, who to turn to. sigh. u sow what u reap. i've sown laziness and bad attitude, i reap poor results and inordinate stress. i've made bad decisions, i need to bear the consequences.
i feel so disillusioned and lost. feel so taken for granted these few days. i don't know if i can sustain to the end of the year. i really don't. school results this semester seem right on course for a very very very poor term. sigh. noone to blame except myself.
happy birthday yujie!! u're the coolest friend around. thanks for sticking by me throughout all the rubbish i put u through. the past few months have been so trying. i really don't think i could have survived without u. the little things that u do that make me laugh when i'm frowning or even crying on the inside. appreciate it. stay cool! :))
both of u rock my world. whee!!
asia conference is tmr. i'm super duper uper luber excited. hahaha. some of the greatest preachers in the world gathering in singapore. what a great opportunity to receive. wow.
i pray that these 5 days will be a time that energizes me to continue this journey of 2008. i have come to a point whereby i feel that my life is on the brink of collapse. i don't know what to do, where to go, who to turn to. sigh. u sow what u reap. i've sown laziness and bad attitude, i reap poor results and inordinate stress. i've made bad decisions, i need to bear the consequences.
i feel so disillusioned and lost. feel so taken for granted these few days. i don't know if i can sustain to the end of the year. i really don't. school results this semester seem right on course for a very very very poor term. sigh. noone to blame except myself.
Wednesday, November 12, 2008
friends never let u feel alone
it's so divine. on the night that i felt most alone, jo msged out of the blue. and started to encourage me. then out of the blue, charm msged to ask how i am. and she got xiu to msg as well. i asked xiu, "is this some freaky coincidence or did charm ask u to msg?" hahahahaha.
wow. friends never leave u to rot and feel by yourself. thanks jo. thanks charm. thanks xiu. much much much appreciated. it's really nice to have friends like u, who care, who encourage, who try to help, who don't take a judgmental tone (despite the fact that i probably deserve it). i love u all.
and flor, i got the huge package. thank yous!!
"and remember, u're a rafflesian. we don't give up and we never say die!" - xiu.
whee!!
wow. friends never leave u to rot and feel by yourself. thanks jo. thanks charm. thanks xiu. much much much appreciated. it's really nice to have friends like u, who care, who encourage, who try to help, who don't take a judgmental tone (despite the fact that i probably deserve it). i love u all.
and flor, i got the huge package. thank yous!!
"and remember, u're a rafflesian. we don't give up and we never say die!" - xiu.
whee!!
romans8:28
thank you jo. i really really really needed that. romans8:28. all things work together for the good of those who love Him. ((:
Monday, November 10, 2008
Hotdog! What a Party!
http://www.chc.org.sg/citynews/?p=3908
i had fun. i'm glad to be working with such a wonderful group of people. youthful, vibrant, really really fun. hahaha.
i quite like mondays. usually a day of solace and quiet. this week, i'm in the library once again. it's quiet. the quiet is therapeutic. prevents me from thinking about my sad sad life. bah. i'm trying to replace my negativity with forward-looking thoughts. sigh. i guess i've been partially successful at that.
i had fun. i'm glad to be working with such a wonderful group of people. youthful, vibrant, really really fun. hahaha.
i quite like mondays. usually a day of solace and quiet. this week, i'm in the library once again. it's quiet. the quiet is therapeutic. prevents me from thinking about my sad sad life. bah. i'm trying to replace my negativity with forward-looking thoughts. sigh. i guess i've been partially successful at that.
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