So last night I had a little woe is me moment. A friend was recently crowned Mrs.{enter county here}. Why did that spark the woe is me moment you ask? It wasn't that I was disappointed that she won, not at all. I think she's an amazing woman who is well deserving of the title, and I'm very happy for her. What brought on the pitiful moment was the wonder at how this woman found time to not only have a hobby, but do it so well that she was recognized for it. See, this woman is a mama, like myself, like another mama I know who recently won a fitness competition. I feel like while other moms are becoming pageant queens and bodybuilders I'm home struggling to find a moment to eat a bowl of cereal by myself, and to be honest I want what they have. Not to be a bodybuilder or pageant queen specifically, but to have something that is mine. Something that I choose, that I work hard for, and that I succeed at. I have so many things that I want to do/be. That's probably my first problem.
Should I take up photography or writing? Become an exceptional pianist or get that psychology degree I've been wanting? Become a fitness guru and get the hot bod while I still can or start perfecting decadent sweets. Oh, and of course there's always the super everything homemade healthy mom, and the educational and engaging kid activities mom. I want to be all of these things! But with what time? What energy? That's what I envy. I know we all must work hard to achieve our goals. But seriously, I can't get a moment by myself around here! I feel like I'd need a nanny to be able to do any of these things, and that's what puts a stop to my daydreaming.
I think I feel guilty about taking up a real hobby or interest. I know I wouldn't need a nanny to pursue one of these things, but I worry that it would take away from what I give to my kids. As I'm writing this I'm already flagging that as nonsense. Maybe I'm afraid of the early mornings and late nights, because that IS what it would take, and I'm already tired. I think I'm afraid that I will love what I'm doing so much that I will somehow choose that over my kids, and deep down I know I NEVER want that to happen. You see, I did choose this, and I do work hard at it. I LOVE being home with my kids, and I wouldn't want to miss a single moment of their growing up. Raising them is important to me. But I feel like I'm losing myself. 'What do you like to do?' people ask. And....I don't know anymore, I SWORE I would never be that mom. I need a hobby, a talent, an interest. One that I can pursue, one that causes me to progress. Partly because I want my kids to know they can do the things they set their heart to. Partly because if I don't find the time for myself I'm not going to appreciate my time with my children. You've heard moms say it, or said it yourself 'I've got to {enter activity of choice} so I can love my children again'. It's true, you never love your children as much as you do after having a little time to go do whatever it is you do.
I will be none of these things tomorrow, but I can make small changes that will bring me joy. Even if I don't choose fitness guru, I can definitely start hitting the gym more than I am now (which is more like a 1 week on 2 weeks off kind of gig). So here's to me! Figuring out what it is that I love to do and doing it. And in the mean time, I'll continue being the mom my boys love, which is the best thing I'll ever do.
