at this point who even reads this space anymore HAHAHHAA but I guess old blogs are really just for one’s own memories.
I just wanted to remind myself! That the secret to success is to try even harder and put in more effort when the going gets tough.

It’s not easy everyday. Sometimes I feel sooooo happy loved and in love but some days I feel nothing at all. And I’ve come to accept that it’s normal. Some days we really feel like friends and nothing more. But this is the dynamic we signed up for. This is the nature of our relationship that has allowed us to come this far. Sometimes I really don’t feel loved and appreciated and I start to get a lil unhappy abt it and worse so when I try to drop hints n they go unnoticed. I try to remember times you did nice things for me (yes there are such times) but I just discredit them in that frame of mind.

Now the tried and tested solution is for me to put in more. To invest more and to go out of my way to do something nice for u!! Cos that’ll garner some positive feedback from you even if you don’t like whatever it is. You’ll try your best to appreciate it and that’s enough for me!! Then I’ll rmb why I love u again and it’ll b all gucci.

Wow it’s been eons since I’ve been on here. Kinda miss this. Miss writing and reflecting. Penning down thoughts. I think it really does help you lead a more considered life. I’m starting to think considered means worried, means overthought. Gone with my reflective nature were my worries. But I guess not worrying about things doesn’t mean they aren’t there!!! They’re just not considered. You jut live in a false sense of security. But maybe you’re also more daring and willing to strike it out and take action. Lolsies.

How far I’ve come! If I could turn back time, I’d tell young me I’m proud of her. And I miss her too. I would never dream of regaining the innocence of childhood. I think it’s worse than losing your virginity. One day you’re young and unfraid, the next you’re all grown up, sense of bewilderment, curiosity replaced simply by routine by knowledge having tried and never wanting to try again. At least in the latter you know when it’s being taken from you. And maybe you rather enjoy it too.

Today I’m relegated to posting pictures and short captions about many small unimportant things. Not that I’m complaining though. Microblogging is a fix for busy modern day kids like us. Some days I do feel somewhat restricted in the content I can produce though, because I know exactly who reads my dayre. There are things I would love to lament vaguely about but can’t due to reasons. I don’t really want questions. I’m fine of course, thank you for asking. I just wanted to materialize this thought and that thought and only have me know what I’m referring to.

The idea of being able to share my thoughts semi-fluously (am I using this right, is this a word) with no heed for the consequence or who might read them just appeals to me so much!!!!! I love posting vague things. Fake thoughtful things! This all fits in with my considered life facade. I guess that’s why dayre is pretty good, but blogger better. Here I know less about who’s reading me, and have incentive to be more ambiguous and unclear. I love it.

Yet there must be a followin of some sort. Or else the site might as well be private, secret. There’s actually a difference, if I must. Private is closed off to the world but secret is open yet no one knows about it. I prefer the idea of secret. It intrigues me to think someone I know could have stumbled across my blog and read me more thoroughly than all of my friends today. What an exciting prospect!!!

What a paradox though. Still I pride myself in not being easily read! Or maybe I am lmao and I don’t know... maybe I am simply that simple.

Anw on an unrelated note, since no one will ever read this!! (Soooo pleasantly surprised blogger is still up all my mmrs r here really) I really do enjoy toying... toying with the idea of meeting someone and getting close to them and learning things about them. It’s been such a long time since I’ve even had the interest or the opportunity to do so. I hope it’s not wrong but deep down I know it could be but I have the self-control of monk. I believe in toeing the line toeing the line and stopping when my high moral standards dictate. Life would be so 无味 otherwise. Bland and mundane.

Ok bye now. Gotta sleep.

I remember when I used to blog v often maybe twice a week? Or whenever I felt like it. I like(d) to write (ok scrap the past tense I still do), and it was my chosen outlet of release for all my adolescent musings. So many feelings choices conflicts to write about!!!!! Plus everyone had an "emo" phase in secondary school I'm sure (or all the girls at least even more plausible if you were from a girls' school). And what better way to exemplify and nurture your flair than penning down your sadnesses? I didn't think of it that way much in the moment but in hindsight I have realised no one can write about happiness happier than one can write about sadness sadder. 

You were the brightest light. But it was blinding, and now I can see again. 

徐太宇 reminded me of you