Disconnect to Reconnect

Here is some advice for myself.  If I live this advice it will automatically trickle down to my children.  We have so much technology all around us.  It's everywhere.  Are we taking some time each day to just be still?  Put down the phones, stop texting, get off Facebook, turn the phone to silent, stay off the computer and turn the TV and radio off.  Just be quiet.  30 minutes... quiet time.  What do I hear?  What do you hear?  Learn to be ok with the quiet.  Trust that you will hear and feel.  

I would like my kids to know that when I am not taking that time for myself to listen and ponder and read my scriptures and think and pray and just BE STILL, ... I start to notice myself feeling insecure, unsure, and looking to others for answers.  I have finally come to know and accept with faith that all my answers are in me as I communicate with my God.

I would like my kids to know that a person needs to stay connected to our Creator to feel grounded and secure.  When someone says, "all I want is security", they begin to search for "true friends", "financial stability", emotional reliance on others and how they make them feel, advice from others, validation, and "sideways" connections.  These are all very temporary, and very insecure.

Real security comes from connecting to God.  We can just sit and think about ourselves being the only ones on the earth and it's just "me and God".  The connection that happens there is powerful and one that I cannot get any other way.  THERE is our real security.  There is the link to connection and gaining wisdom and truth.  There is the way to know who we really really are.  And once we consistently do that, other things fall into place with much more peace and joy backing them up.

Here is my challenge to my children, my husband and anyone else who is searching for truth.  You must be consistent in a daily routine in which you are quiet and listening to what Heavenly Father wants you to know.  Spend that time praying, reading scripture and journaling.  You will hear your next step, get comfort, answers.  For me the most important part of that is the feeling of BEING GROUNDED.  When I am connected to God, I don't care what anyone else thinks of me.  Because it doesn't matter and it is none of my business.  I can respect their opinions and ultimately know their opinion doesn't really affect me.  I love this truth and want my children to be able to be spiritually confident in this way.  

This is also the way to learning how to love deeply and unconditionally.  We feel the love from our Father, learn how to love ourselves because we can see ourselves the way He does.  Then we can take that love to all those around us.  We can see them also as He does.  We can see others' gifts and talents and amazingness.  All because we can see our own.  We begin to understand that no one person is more amazing than the next.  I am not.  But I am just as amazing as another.  This is how unity is created.  As soon as we begin to separate ourselves out from others we begin to feel that we are different, more special so we separate.  But as we see ourselves the same as everyone else (of course all unique), we draw connections of love between one another.  It's our human-ness that wants to stay separate and feel special.  (Which means more special than another.)

I have a hard time staying grounded.  I am in constant reminder mode... about what Becky Hooley must do to get back on track.  Am I ok with that?  Yep, I am learning step by step.  There is no way I would be able to do this learning without the help of my biggest sources of learning and growth.  I have 5 (no 6 counting Eric) main people who teach me day by day.  Everyone I come in contact with is here to teach me more, but these children are my favorite to learn from.  And a special shout out to my husband Eric who knows just as well as I do that we agreed long ago to be each others' teachers.  He is this way, I am that.  It's clear that we have to fight for our love and mutual support and respect.  I feel so grateful that both of us still wants the learning and growth in the right direction.  I feel so grateful that we haven't lost sight, that we are being patient with ourselves and even grateful for the challenges.

So here is to staying GROUNDED.  It's a daily thing.  You have to ground yourself only on the days you need physical food and water.  That is how important it is.  We are such influential and forgetful beings.  All for a reason.  All for our learning.  I am so very grateful.  

The News: Car and York; Selfish?

Here it is:  the battle that always resurfaces about balance and money and needs vs. wants.  I don't have any answers.  We try to do our best in all that we do.  We try to give generously, serve where needed, have an attitude of gratitude, etc.  So, "go for it" I said to him.  "Just go get it".  And he did.  Eric doesn't like to spend money on himself, but he's been thinking about a little sports car for a few years now (probably more like 40 years).  A couple of weeks ago he decided to buy one and I am happy for him.  It's cute and so is he.  

The other thing is that last week I had the chance to visit New York City.  I've never been.  I went with a friend, Jackie Peterson, who had been a few times before.  It was nice to go with someone who knew what she was doing.  We walked across the Brooklyn Bridge, rode the Subway, saw the temple, ate good food, took a ferry to Staten Island and saw the Statue of Liberty, rode bikes in Central Park, saw a show, took pictures in Times Square, Rockefeller Plaza, slept in, walked and walked and walked, and then walked a little more.  It was a great experience and I am grateful I had the chance to see it all.

I have started taking a new series of online classes called Soul Integrity Mentorship.  It's taught by Staci Sadler who wrote Aura Personalities.  I am learning so much and what I have learned lately ties right into this post (well, kind of).  It's very natural to have the belief that if we think about ourselves then we are selfish.  But, the truth really is proving to be true that when we take care of ourselves and do the things for ourselves that allow us to feel rejuvenated, peaceful and connected, we can so much better serve those around us.  Now,  I am not necessarily saying that we need to head to New York or to go buy a new car.  What I am saying is that we need to be thinking about the things we do daily or during the week that provide nourishment and peace for ourselves.  Is it exercise, like taking a run alone, yoga?  Is it meditation and scripture reading and prayer, writing in a journal, massage, quiet time, time to sit and think for a moment?  How about a hike to a remote mountain area, time with your spouse, sitting in the sauna, taking a bath at night?  Think about all the things that help you to come away feeling happy and ready to serve and then practice it.  Practice taking care of yourself to keep that balance and to feel centered.  

My goal is to start appreciating and taking care of myself better.  It is not selfish.  It is about realizing how important I am to my creator, and seeing how much I am loved.  When I love myself, take care of myself and see my immense value and worth to my God, ... I can share that light with all around me.  Like I said, this has always been a foreign concept to me.  I watched a "burned out" mother much of the time trying and trying to keep giving- sometimes with resentment hanging in the air.  I remember all the times she let my dad take us out to do something and didn't want to go.  You see, I didn't realize it but she was taking the time to recharge alone.  To think and to ponder.  She needed that time to let her mind be free and open to begin again.  I don't know if she even realized what she was doing was exactly what she needed.  I can respect that now and I will start respecting my own needs as well.  I am worth it, I am important, I am loved.  And I will honor those truths.  I challenge you to try it as well.  It feels GREAT! 

Running and Rainbows- Learn about YOU

The sun is out in Cache Valley.  Today was preschool day for Analise AND my doorbell rang this morning- FedEx guy dropped me off some new running shoes.  So, I took it as a sign.  I would like to be clear about this:  I do not really like running.  I have never been a "runner".  I felt heavy today, my feet kind of hurt and I stopped to walk several times within that 5 mile distance.  But, I did have this thought:  Everyone should work toward being able to run at least 5 miles without stopping.  I have learned a lot about myself over the years with my running attempts here and there.  There is a lot to learn about perseverance, persistence, consistency, practice, pushing yourself through the hurt, and lots of other life lessons.  Try it.  You will see.  Wanna know how strong you are?  Run.  If you are someone who is on a quest to learn more in life, more about yourself and are trying to learn how to live with God again, running fits in nicely.  Because running stinks but there are these certain glimmers of joy at the same time.

Within the past year I have realized that one of my passions besides learning how to take care of my body, (and boy do I have a lot to learn) is to learn about what makes people "tick".  Learning about personalities through studying the makeup of someone.  I have enjoyed starting with me.  I have learned that the more I can know who I am- I mean who I really am,... I can accept that, love that and as a result, my capacity to see others and love others increases.  I have always wanted to be able to love more.  I think I have found a path that might take me quite far in this quest before it's time to find a new path.  The more I love ME (my true self and not my ego), the more love I have to share with others.

We are all here to basically learn how to love.  That is kind of the whole point to life, right?  Think about it.  All our experiences are to teach us how to grow and learn and LOVE.  Charity is THE LOVE OF CHRIST.  I want to have that.  I want to understand Him and know Him.  If I were to pick my ultimate goal here for my relationships of all kinds it would be that people could look into my eyes and see that I love them.  I would want every person to feel love from me to know they matter and most of all that they are loved by their Heavenly Father.  If that could be my gift and talent to share with the world,  I would feel like I lived a worthwhile life.  And it would have NOTHING to do with me and everything to do with them.

Now a little about rainbows.  I thought I was someone who liked neutrals.  It's cool to be neutral.  Take Restoration Hardware for instance.  Neutrals.  Very muted and blended, very soft and flowing.  Well, guess what?  I'm not.  I like rainbows, I aways have.  I used to draw them;  I would color things in rainbow and then sit back and say, "dang that looks good".  Someday I would like to have a very large kitchen (like double the size we have now) with lots of wood, and light countertops, lots of sun streaming through.  And I would have stainless steel barstools with rainbow seats, enough seats to fit our whole family.  So we would need, red, orange, yellow, green, turquoise, blue, and purple barstools.  Remember the 3/4 length sleeve t-shirts we used to wear with a rainbow across the front?  I loved those.  I would like one now.

Who are you?  If you could be any kind of color scheme, what would fit with who you are?  It's important to know.  If you know who you are, you become more secure, more grounded, ... you will understand how you serve other people.  You will not be affected (as much) by the negative things people might say about you.  You will understand that their insecurities lead them there and that whether or not someone likes you is not your business, at all.  We all have a little of all personality types in us.  But, to find out what our dominant traits are only helps us in this life.  We can know our God given gifts even better this way.  Go ahead.  Start somewhere.  Ask people who you are.  Sometimes our true friends give us great clues to understanding ourselves better.  I am learning how to love ME.  I didn't create myself.  I am amazing.  JUST as amazing as everyone else around me.  We are all amazing in our own unique ways.  Neutrals, black/white, rainbow, earth tones.  All just as amazing as the next.  Truth.

The Journal was Born

I have always felt something strong when it comes to journaling.  One day when I was 5 and Leslie was 6 or maybe 7, my mom took us to Zody's in the little light blue VW bug.  I can almost still smell what the inside of that car smelled like.  I wish I could smell it again.
We went specifically so we could get some new journals.  Mine was a small brown fake leather cover, and little 3 ring binder with lined notebook paper you could put into it.

I started with pencil.  No, wrong.  My mom quickly helped me understand the importance of ball point pen.  I was to write frequently, and I would need to add details like WHO WHAT WHEN WHERE WHY.  In front of each of my journals from then on I would write those words, you know, just in case I forgot what I was supposed to be writing about.

In one of my young journals I went back and read something I was embarrassed about and decided to cross it all out.  Another no, no.  Mom let me know firmly to NEVER EVER cross something out because it was ME, it was important.

From then on in my life it was very important for me to write often.  As I grew it was a little less often and the biggest journal that I disliked was the one with the pre written days/dates on each paper!  It made it so obvious how long it had been since I hadn't written.  It was ridiculous how I felt like I had to go back and write, "Today I had fun.", on all the blank pages.  My true feeling about journals though?  I realized that if I did not record a day of my life, it would be gone forever possibly never to be remembered again.

I could have never pictured what a BLOG was way back then.  I still have a journal to write in with a pen because of the serious therapy it provides me (the actually writing that I have always enjoyed).  But, I don't want to compleley give up on this blog of mine.  I have made the first year into a book and I love looking through it.

My best writing here mostly is after midnight... I decide I need to actually do something with my time or I will end up feeling guilty that I stayed up late for no real reason.  Something I am working on in my life is:  LOVING and APPRECIATING who I am.  Me.  Becky.

1.  I am a good wife and mother
2.  I am a daughter of my Heavenly Father who loves me
3.  I am working on loving others completely
4.  I am just right for where I am in life and am doing a good job each day trying and re-trying.
5.  I am a thankful/grateful person.
6.  I am genuine.
7.  I am lovely, just as a good mother should be.

Back to the writing journals.  I think I have 14 or 17 maybe?  As I got to pick out a new journal every time, I remember thinking about how neat it was to have so many pages of my thoughts written down.  There are definitely some big bummer entries about "I love 'so and so', I really do" and other such blather but... that was me at the time.

I try to get my kids to write.  On Sundays.  Along with doing scouts.  Along with a family walk.  Along with a lot of other important things, like me taking a nap.

I sold my favorite baby item ever.  Analise's diaper
bag was so enjoyable.  Oh yes, and I cut my hair.
Let's get real.  I have tried for long hair, but can't seem
to make it work.  So, I am resigned to the fact that I cannot.
It's ok.  I AM ok with short bob-like hair.  Eric still loves me.

Disney Cruise April 2013

The other day I was thinking about how common it is for me to throw FHE together at the last minute or about the many nights we rush into family scripture study without remembering what we read about last.  Is anyone is understanding any gospel concepts when we read?  I thought about my role as a mother and what my actual “job” is in my home.  I began to wonder how differently I would do things if I had a boss to check up on me throughout the day and evaluate the quality of my work.  A few years ago I was talking to my sister about this subject.  I told her that I was considering planning out our family scripture time on a daily basis.  This way I would be prepared to discuss what the chapter is about- even maybe have a thought to go with it.  Her response was, “every single night?!”  I agreed with her.  We kind of laughed it away.  “Yes, how ridiculous.  It’s overboard.  Who would do this everyday??”

So, here I am again, considering what next step I could take to improve in my “job” as a mother; something that would make the very most of our valuable time as a family.  I literally could use every minute and second of the day doing worthwhile things that would show just how much I love my children.  But, “What matters MOST”?  If the answer to that is to be teaching my children the gospel, (and it is) then does it seem quite as ridiculous to try to prepare better for our nightly scripture study or even to go as far as to make it an evening devotional??  This is my “job”.  Will I do this perfectly?  I doubt it.  But, I do believe I will be blessed as I give it a good shot.  I believe that I can be guided by the spirit, know what improvements to make and that I will continue to see clearly, “What Matters Most”.  How grateful I am for the gospel and for it’s guidance.  We are so blessed to have it.  

Relationships

The older I get the more I realize how important relationships are.  I think I've always known but really have I?  These people that surround me day to day.  Friends as well.  They are all so special, important and they are mine to enjoy.  I am very blessed to have such wonderful friends and the most amazing children have been sent to our family for us to raise.  It would mean nothing if I didn't have someone great to share the experience with.  I am grateful to have my good husband.

You just never know what will happen or how long you will have these loved ones in your life.  My goal continues to be to LOVE LOVE LOVE like there is no tomorrow and to BE IN THE MOMENT.  To just realize what moment I am in, what space I am in, who I am paying attention to.  People will know if they are important to you or not by the kind of attention you give to them.  When I am talking to someone I want them to know that I am listening and that I care.  I hope I can be a better mom like that to my children, a good listener.  And I want to treat them like the little unique people that they are.   I am very much enjoying life- the ups and the downs.  I  just don't want the downs.  Hey, if I promise to be grateful can I just request the happy times???

We had our family pictures taken in the Fall, just after school began.  It was a fun shoot taken by Blue Lily Photography.  They were able to capture some real smiles and real personality.

At the beginning of November Eric and I took off to Maui for 7 days.  For no reason.  We just went because we wanted to and we found a sitter.  It was the first time that there was no good reason, nothing to really celebrate, no anniversary, birthday.  Just because.  We had a really enjoyable time and I highly recommend anyone to spend the money and go through the work of preparing everything and leaving on a vacation every now and then.  It was AWESOME!!!

Now it is Christmas time.  We had a nice ward dinner on Saturday night, December 1st.  Santa came to visit and you can see Bronson, Camden and Analise if you look really close.  Christmas is a magical time of year.  I loved it as a child and I love watching my children love it.  All aspects of it.  We have also been to SLC to see the temple lights, been to the Roof restaurant and Santa's breakfast at the Grand America.  It was our 5th year in a row to make that happen.  This year we gave every kid a few one dollar bills to hand out or to use for any good purpose.  I think it was a good exercise to get them to think about someone other than themselves.  So carry on friends, enjoy your family, enjoy the cold weather, enjoy the music, the lights.  Just enjoy and be happy.

Zzzzzzz

Sometimes I am driving around and around and around the town.It gets silent in the car. When I look back and see this, I know I worked em good.  Poor little rug rats.  Makes me just wanna pick em up and hold em.  These... are... the dayzzzzzz.

This is my Fall, Which Leads to Gratitude

     Here is a perfect summary of Fall for me:

This is Utah, a photo I "borrowed" from a friend who sees the
Fall up close more than I do.  She bikes through it regularly.
Now that is BEE-U-TEE-FUL

I'm so glad they take care of each other.  He still calls her
"baby".  "Baby!  Come here."  One day he will stop and
wonder why he is doing that.  But, I'm not gonna tell him.

Now this.  This has been my life for the last couple of months.  2 boys
chose to play competetive soccer.  Lots of driving and organizing my car.

Tonight I sat (yes I did) with Eric for a moment after our running around.  He just drove scouts around for 2 hours delivering flyers for Landon's Eagle project.  I was at Ethan's last soccer game then had to go to Lee's to get donuts for those scouts PLUS a frozen meal of some kind to feed the hungry kids in my car.  The Kung Pao Chicken was good, but sweet and salty and we will pay for both.  Anyhoo, Eric mentioned that life was hard.  And I said, "work?"  He said, "no work is slowing down".  I said, "then what?"  He said, "just life, and Landon's project, and the house and the chaos, and ...and...and..."

     Then I realized what we were doing.  Yes, it's true that we are trying to run a little faster than we have strength BUT we are forgetting to look around, "Enjoy the Journey" (for lack of a better cliche), and forgetting to COUNT OUR BLESSINGS.  As I started to talk us out of the ingratitude in my scratchy no-voice sound (lost my voice as of lately due to said "hard life" and no sleep), it was very clear to me at that moment what kind of influence I really do have on my family.

     There is a lady in our ward who is battling cancer.  She is beautiful, and young and very faithful.  She mentioned on facebook that she gets really discouraged and finds herself in a dark pit of hopelessness.  She mentioned that she saw a tender mercy of the Lord the other night.  I was thinking about what kind of miracle she would talk about.  I was thinking about good tests and shrinking tumors.  Instead she went on to talk about growing tumors and lack of sleep due to other medications.  She talked about her husband being away for work and her desperate need to sleep as she felt her hopelessness growing deeper and engulfing her.  

     Then she said that she texted her "3 pillars of strength"- her 3 daughters, asking for their immediate prayers that she would get through the night and be able to rest.  She said that within 30 minutes she was sound asleep and sleep for 4 hours.  I thought that even THEN she would talk about a full 8-10 hours of sleep, but 4 hours only.  For that she was extremely thankful and saw it as a miracle from heaven.  

     I love what this amazing person taught me through facebook. I hope she has some understanding of the kind of impact she is making on others through her trial.  If she can look around and see the tiny ways that she is blessed then certainly I can too.  I hope that I can choose to observe that way.  

     I began talking to Eric about the fun "challenge" of life, and managing time.  I reminded him about our health, our awesome kids, the joy of serving them, our good friends and great family.  We talked about having a good job, being capable to be "room mom" and do all the things that we do while feeling good.  I got to read the Ensign on the treadmill today while Analise went to a tumbling class in the same building.  How great is that?  Yes, Landon's Eagle Project is time consuming and draining.  We have Annie's birthday, callings, things to schedule, life to live.  People to serve, too many places to be, too many assignments to accept.  Never a moment to sit and rest.

     The end of this week though.  Fall Break.  I am so excited. I am going to put everything on hold to enjoy my kids.  I plan on good quality time swimming, doing puzzles, watching movies, listening to music, riding bikes, snuggling up on the couch, taking walks/hikes, ... on and on.  Then after that break it's "back to business".  But, taking time to focus on my family is a luxury I will have this weekend.  I am going to create as many moments of LOVE that I can.  If that is what I am working toward, I am confident that I will get there.  The gospel of Jesus Christ is LOVE, so that is the goal.  For that I am grateful and pray I will continue to remember to be so.   

Candid, very.

There are so many things I want to blog about but I will just keep it to two events.  This year Eric attempted to ride the 206 miles from Logan to Jackson Hole again- LOTOJA.  He did a relay in 2009, he completed the whole thing in 2010, he tried it again last year but crashed along with several others in that group after the front cyclist hit the rumble strip.  This year was supposed to be his awesome year, the year he finishes strong.

It didn't work out like that though, but memories were made.  About 157 miles into it, he looked awful and said he felt it too.  He threw up at the Alpine, Wyoming feed zone and realized that his body hadn't been digesting anything the whole entire first 6 hours of the ride.  So now dehydrated too, I was worried about what he could handle at this point.  I encouraged him to go on.  Luckily I didn't drive too far ahead of him because he made it another few miles and had to stop again.  I drove into the pullout- he had only 37 miles to go.  He started saying that he was "done"; he had mentally given up.  I just couldn't tell if it would be possible for him to continue or not.

I encouraged him to rest a minute and wondered if he would be mad later if he gave up now.  A couple of nice British guys kept offering him grapes and sandwiches.  I told them I had everything but that he physically couldn't eat because his digestive system was basically shutting down.  I told him to get up and try to finish... I just knew he could do it.  All that training to give up now?  He is not a quiter, that is for sure and he knows how to work.

Well, he got up on his bike and I drove to the next pull out.  He passed me and said, "2 more".  So, I had hope as I counted 2 more pullouts before stopping to check on him.  To my disappointment, he pulled in again and said, "I am done".  And I knew he was serious.  He was so dehydrated and weak.  He seemed much more relieved than sad.  But me on the other hand... I felt seriously disappointed.  Quit?  Eric?  I could see it on his face, ... he was pale, shaky, dry mouth, ...a kind of deep fatigue that is hard to understand.  But there still was this hope in me that he could muscle through.  After a few minutes of talking to him, I knew he really was in need of stopping.  The only chance of him going on would have been someone inserting an IV and pumping back up with the right amout of fluid.  At that point, I gave up on all hope of him finishing.

I replayed the hours and hours of time he had spent (all time away from us) training for this.  So much of his other time is spent at work and all last year another huge chunk of time went to studying for his oral boards that he took in July.  But, this was supposed to be his year to finish this race strong!  He trained as much as he could all year but, (we both knew) it was not enough- he was not as prepared as he could have been.  I just kept thinking about how I just wanted one more picture of him riding through that finish line.  One more!  I wanted him to go to dinner knowing that he completed the race.  But, no.

After he climbed in the car I thought we would at least head to the finish line in Teton Village to congratulate friends on their accomplishment.  But, all he needed/wanted was to find our condo and go rest and shower.  So, the whole plan was playing out differently than what I had invisioned in my head- not even the chance to feel the energy of all those at the finish line- LOTOJA energy is amazing.

My mother-in-law texted to find out how he was doing.  I told her and she said, "Oh, is he so disappointed?"  And then I lashed out in my head, in my text, in my heart.  My selfishness took the front seat as I thought:  "What about me???"  Is HE so disappointed??  He is doing great and feeling super relieved right now!  What about the supporter that encouraged his bike trips and day trips?  What about the one that holds down the fort while this person takes hours and hours on the road "enjoying" his hobby?  No, HE is not disappointed, I AM.  This was supposed to be a fun weekend, unlike last years when he crashed a day after finding out he failed the oral boards.  This was supposed to be a year of celebration.  Why didn't it work out for ME?

It actually felt good to vent by text.  I acknowldged my selfishness, annoyance, disappointment, anger.  I knew I was irrational, I could feel it boiling up higher and higher.  (Kind of like right now.)  Part of me was happy I let it out via text for fear of letting it out on Eric while he was feeling sick and defeated.  Sometimes I just want to say, "Does anyone give ME any credit?"  or does it all go to the surgeon, the one that works so hard, plays so intensely, gets all the credit for the hard stuff?  I woke up early too and had to get him off to the race, and help him pack his food, and find babysitting for our cute kids, and give up MY Saturday too.  For HIM.  ME, the same person that stared at the light coming from the slit under the door where he was studying for 13 years in school.  I dealt with the kids and running the home while he worked hard.  But, I worked hard too.  I worked hard all these years too.  Very.  And when a person doesn't feel the appreciation or when no one ever says to you, "Well done."  Or, "are you ok??"  Or, "you do a great job."  or "Wow,  you are amazing."  or ... "You take on a lot."  "You are appreciated, "  ... well, it just wears on you from time to time.  So yes, I was disappointed because WE worked really hard for him to complete this race. We worked really hard to get him through school.  WE worked really hard to financially make it work for years. WE worked hard to raise a family even through the most hectic of years.  And... maybe some of this frustration has NOTHING at all to do with LOTOJA.  Maybe I don't know where this is creeping up from.  Maybe I think I don't care and that I am feeling like this is theraputic.  Ahhhh, yep.  Very.  I am done complaining.  Thank you, that felt great.

Back to my thoughts.  We this and we that.  And you know what?... WE make a good team.  After realizing my ridiculousness, and "feel-sorry-for-myself-ness", I stopped.  (Kind of like right now).  And then I re-found my gratitude and my thankfulness for my life, for my husband, that he was ok and knew when to stop riding.  I started to feel thankful for this time away with him regardless of whether or not he finished the race.  I thought about our health, about our blessings, our families.  I thought about how much we love our kids, how sweet and good they are, how healthy.  I thought of how much we have been through together.  And about how we were sealed in the San Diego Temple for eternity, not "death do us part".  

I then thought about how my strong personality became even stronger by having to deal with much on my own during those busy years.  I thought about the reasons why I am capable and how I don't let people get me down for very long.  In fact, my "forcefulness/determination/aggression" gets mistaken for "never needs an up-lift because she is doing fine."  It's because I want to be a happy person and I have tried very hard to recognize that living right brings happiness.  I also try hard to figure out how to get happy when I am not.  I will always apologize when I have done wrong and know it.  I am an open book that likes to live true to reality.  This is how I analyze and learn about ME.  

I still don't have it all figured out yet about who I am.  But what I do know is that I am thankful for what I have.  I am thankful that I can recognize a negative pride in myself and that it is damaging.  I am glad that I will eventually come around and apologize and repent for all my faults by using the Atonement of Jesus Christ.  It's that Atonement that pulls us out of a pit that we cannot climb out of on our own.  I am glad that I can recognize also that I am too hard on myself most of the time and that it's not right.  I am grateful I have good friends who give me a chance and can appreciate who I am.  Those are the people that build me up and uplift me from day to day.

One of those true friends is Eric, (now considered my best friend)- he "gets" me, he loves me.  He treats me like a queen and wants me to be happy.  We are perfect for each other.  He works hard for our family.  I do live a charmed life and should never ever have a reason to feel selfish.  I am a hard working mom but at least I can sit down during the day if I chose to.  I could even have a snack, on the couch, if I wanted.  (But, I don't usually...).  My point is that I recognize how blessed I am and how off-base I can be when I am focused on the wrong things.  We are in the best years of our lives right now.  We feel great, we still have kids who want to hang out with us on the weekends.  We have the opportunities to go places and experience life.  We waited a long time for this, for our kids to grow up, to be able to go places and take no diapers or pacifiers.

After Eric was settled in the car, his body and bike taking a rest at last, we drove along and looked over and down to the Snake River.  We watched a few groups of people rafting and paddling through the rapids and then floating calmly.  Eric said, "Now that looks so fun!"  I was silent as I thought, "It's already planned."  I had secretly planned it for his birthday weekend 2 weeks after the race.  I do love this man and want him to enjoy life too.  I love when he is happy.     

So, there you have it.  Life is good.  There is so much truth to be found while living it.  Jesus Christ is to be our center, our foundation.  That is what we are striving for.  And here I am in Eric's sun hat... he insisted I wear it because I was still squinting even with my sunglasses on.  See what I mean?  Always looking out for me.  Always.  I am a lucky lucky girl.  We drove home right after our awesome river adventure and even the drive was great- just that time together discussing life and making plans.  We talked about each child and their needs.  We even talked about us.  Candidly, candid.  Marriage is great.  Very.

Who Am I?

Fall is officially here.  My brain is gone.  Our summer was full.  WHO AM I

Where am I?  How can I gain control again?  I had control once, I remember that I did.  I also remember that I used to remember.  Looking at my calendar is the only way to spark a memory of what we have done and acomplished this summer.  I believe it was all great... if can remember...  

Here it is, mostly in order:

*  boating- 6 times this year, a record.  Ethan got up on a wakeboard.  

*  SO DID I!

*  Park City memories, swimming, meeting up/catching up with old friends

*  Landon went to EFY in Provo

*  Landon went to scout High Adventure camp

*  Basketball camp for Ethan and Camden- so fun to hang out with the kids    
*  San Diego friends visit Park City

*  Stoke's Nature Center and friend time/splash pad

*  Soccer practices all summer for Ethan and Camden

*  Visits to the American West Heritage Center

*  Called to be in the Relief Society Presidency- second counselor

*  Visits from both sisters and their families

*  Eric rides in the Cache Valley Gran Fondo- 100 miles

*  Swim lessons at the gym

*  Landon gets to be a part of the youth Pioneer Trek.  

*  Get together in Park City with long lost roommates and their families

*  Eric trains as much as possible for LOTOTJA

*  Eric studies for his July boards- again.  PASSES!!!

*  Piano lessons

*  Go to Park City to celebrate Landon's birthday- he brings Nathan.   

*  The Fun Center- lazer tag and bowling. (or not so fun, as I see it)

*  Swimming at the Logan Aquatic Center

*  Eric rides "Tour of Park City"- 150 miles?  He is miserable.  Again.

*  Plan Landon's Eagle Scout project

*  Running Park City 1/2 marathon with friends and sister- awesome!

*  California Leo Carillo Beach Trip with the sisters and families- my favorite

*  WICKED in Salt Lake City with friends!  

*  Eric rides the Cache Valley Century

*  What!!??!?! School starts already?!?!

*  No I refuse.  Denial.  I take kids out of school and go to Lagoon.

*  Brigham City Temple open house.  Amazing.

*  Labor Day BBQ with friends and neighbors

*  LOTOJA, already.  Stay in Jackson Hole with Eric and friends- becoming a tradition but maybe not because of the part where Eric is not doing LOTOJA anymore.  Relay, maybe.

*  Landon's hormones kick in and we cannot recognize him on the phone.  He grows inches and gets super skinny.

And now it's time to plan more future memories.  So between planning the future and living in the present while being involved in all the plans...  I ask again.  Who am I?  Where am I?  How is this speeding by so quickly?

Tonight in FHE we talked about LOVE.  It's such a simple concept in some ways but really it's a complex subject.  It encompasses everything we should be, everything we should give, everything we should learn, feel, see, have, say, offer.  It's a gift and talent for some.  For others, it's a learning process.  I like it.  I told my kids that LOVE is what the gospel of Jesus Christ is all about.  I told them that it starts in our home and that I was going to try harder to treat them as I would a friend.  I want to get rid of my short temper and replace it with more understanding, more listening, more deep breaths, and more smiles.  

I challenged them to treat each other kindly and to try to keep contention out of our home.  I hope they try- because I will.  Any maybe if I do, then they will notice.

"Just say it.  When you see someone looking lovely-- say it.  When someone has done a good job-- say it.  When you think a good thought--say it.  When you recognize the hand of the Lord--say it.  Words of kindness and love could seed our lives with a harvest of celebration if we could just train ourselves to feel and say them."  Jaroldeen Edwards

Now I must rest my body, head, and eyes for the night.  Hard things happen in this life and I cannot worry myself about what trials and challenges will come my way- this worrying sometimes can cause me such stress.  My goal is to enjoy life, be in the moment, love and serve the people around me, and devote my time to meaningful activities.  Organization in my home would also be a goal.  But the real purpose is to value people more than things.  What will we take with us after this life?  Our knowlege, our experiences/memories, and our relationships.  

My number 1 and 2 relationships, in that order are with God and then with Eric.  With that last thought I guess I should not feel overly guilty about needing to go to Maui.  Memories and relationship building with my husband are high up there.  Well, then.  Mahalo.  I have just talked myself into Hawaii.