Bangkok Trip....

Eh, Blogspot! sorry that I have ignored you once again... =x ... yeah... was away for Bangkok trip... and that I did not have anything in mind to write...

Ya ya ya... nag nag nag... that i brought my laptop and didn't have chance to log in here to write...

So I am sorry... =( ... dun be sad alrite... will now write bout smth that I say about my trip...

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Heh... well for one thing i should say... times there wasn't tat fun... so I bet... you'll be much more fun than all the times there... so yea... I MISS YOU BLOGSPOT!!! =x

hahaha... nah... I guess there was somefun... but somehow it was me who is not enjoying....

The thing was that I was missing Daniel alot... and also many others of my friends... but Daniel would be the main person as and when I see couples in the town (even in SG)... guess times have come that I am much more closer to the partner in my life than to my family... and that's probably is because that I am also distance from them as they would not be keen to the idea that I am having an "illegal" relationship...


Heh... but undeniably... Family is something AND someplace AND someone... that we can never forget in life... be it the ties of friends to be like a family or the ties of blood that we're family.... I prefer the latter... but I never failed to see it grows out from the 1st choice... =) ... I like my family members for who they are... we quarreled and argued but notably that would be where all the fun are... laughing at each other and even bitching or even gossiping.. I love them all... yeah... but sad part is things are also ruled out that they are the place of authority and that all things are under their control (for the very least now... till the time that I am much older and sounds SENSIBLE to them =x )... haha...

But then again... yeah... I love them...

Oh well tat's 1st thing let out... now... yeah... It was a relaxing vacation i suppose... 5D4N was way too long and slacking... but yeah... at least there are more break points for us to rest... yep yep... didn't shop much... and we are not those who would go there to do sightseeing so yeah... RELAX... haha...

Hmm... things I like the most there as always would be visiting Chinatown and eat the road side food in there... haha... never fail to miss that place everytime we goes there... as well as the thai restaurant adjacent to NOVOTEL SIAM Sq... They probably served one of the best thai dishes in town... worth the expensiveness ^.^ ...

Yepz.... foods are wat ilike to do the most... =D

This time round... did manage to grab my new camera for some shots tryout in the Siam OCEANARIUM ... it was great and amazing to see how those place actually worked and how so many of the interesting fishes are placed there... awed me alot... haha... but I enjoyed every single most of the time there... likewise enjoying Diving a lot =)... shld try to dive over there...

Another thing that we as family have never failed to do... is to visit the 4 face buddha... and pray... its the very reason of why we would visit there every single year... well not always... but try to do it at least once xD... yeah... and everytime there I would pray with the same prayers except the point to add that I am entering NS and hope they give me happiness and enjoyment in NS and also to keep a lookout for my safety.. =)

Oh oh... tis time round I also keep having my eyes to glance around and round... haha... looking at those nice couples and cuteies...haha... so many are not Thais either xD...

Last but not least... a massage and scrub services that I am enjoying my relaxation for the 1st time... VOW TAT I NEVER GET TOUCHED BY A LADY MASSEUR again =x... but it was a good one this time round... just tat the embarrasing actions...

Well... Like all other guys... I too can get a morning wood... no need to be in the morning but anytime of the day... and the worst time would be when I am being massaged by the masseur... heh... and she touched it... feels so INSECURE and WRONG!!!... haix... I feel like being RAPED... (x_x")

but wat can we do now... nothing bah... just dun let gals touched all over me again!!!...

but I guess ... for this whole trip... there's a fair share of unhappiness and gladness... =)

I miss you My Dear... would love that this trip would have you in the picture also... probably that would be my most happiest wish... that completes my picture of a FAMILY =) as well as those friends that are dear to me... like Arth Arth and Brain... and Jasper and and and and and.... oh well... there's a lot lot more... and just becos i dun write ur name down means I dun think about you guys... You shld know who you are... but yeah... I LOVE all of you...

P.S: I know you guys (some but not all) may think that I am writing this to cover my backside... But i am not okay!!!... Its true that I love all of you!!! you!!! you!!! =D

An boring afternoon and a bad evening...

Oh well... Didn't expect the day i start my medication i already going into emotional stage =x....

But yeah... its sucks to be like this in most of the case =(....

Afternoon was boring... when I wanted to go out... Aunt called me up just to kill my moods... saying that tonite have to do prayers... Aww it sucks big time sia... I know that i should do prayers but yeah... I still wanna go out mah... but then must this and tat... haix... nah... I'll pass going out... so yeah... turns out to be a boring Afternoon...


In the evening... whoa... smth tat I dun mind doing though... at last!!! I got out... to buy dinner... but oh well... reach Haig Rd... it sucks... WTF does public HDB carpark is being reserved for sia... so means residents can't go in either or just us visitors? Wah lau... everywhere also you blockade... then who can go sia... =\... Haix... resorted to have to spend F#$%#$% S$2 just for carpark.... haix... already pissed... go in... then park... okay ... park liao... come down... realise there is a wood plank at the back... then go behind see... SHIT!!! dent my aunts car again.. -,-" ... haix... so not well... arh fark... shift the car out a bit... then go down and buy...zzz...

Wait wait wait wait wait wait so long for the shop to get my food done... and emo-ing thru out... haix... so pissed liao then how... So get things done le... drive back home lor... zzz....

Reach home was already unhappy with my self so Bang here Bang there... my aunt felt pissed also... zzz... then like angry with me... fuck sia... like she knows wat happen... dunno then dun wanna ask... then just throw things at people... you think I wat sia... >:-( ... I buy le... get so much trouble... yet you still come find problem... Ahhhh FUCK FUCK FUCK!!!! ...


So tat's how my day is... =\

A 3Yrs and 2Mths Anniversary...

Heh... I guess LOVE is such a funny thing... it makes people shows sorrow, loneliness, happiness, tears... and many more....

Yeah... you know that I was so depressed for the whole month and that I was feeling hopeless and that I was feeling so down... never thought that something like that would hit me though =\...

But yea.... well on the night of my anniversary... a message... from someone that I thought would not talk to me... came... yes... its from dear...

Heh... I was kinda shocked and curious as well... so I opened that message... slowly I read...

Its not the very short message that I had received from him... More like the longest ever SMS that I have read... =x

Hmm... it filled with meanings throughout... every of those letters... slowly pieced parts of my heart bit by bit... it comes with an armor that will shield my heart from dropping apart that badly again...

Explanations and memories was written in the message... and It feels fuzzily warm... heh...

I kinda understand now what he has been going through... but for once... I saw my foolishness about him being not caring about me... but yeah... I guess this should be fine...

So far... as and when I am feeling upset... I would open that meaningful message that I have saved in a special folder of my phone... to feel that fuzzy feeling...

I kinda miss him physically and emotionally... I just wish for him a lot more than anyone else... and I hopes that he would be there to hug me.... with that warmth that I adore from him... heh...

Truly the person you love... can give so much more... with just such a little gesture... This is called LOVE??? I think yeah for me... this IS love...

831 means 'I Love You' -- 8 Letters, 3 Words, 1 Meaning... =)

Misses you from the very bottom of my heart dear... =)

Unbelievably Amazing???

Come to think of it... It is really Amazing and Fascinating that he can really last not talking to me or in anyway no means of communications with me for such a long period...

I wonder will this goes until when... Until the day that we met? I guess by then... I have no Idea what to talk about with him... It would feel as though that will be the 1st date... like the time we are getting to know each other... afresh...

Or is it... that... when he comes back... He would already forget me being part of his life... and that I have actually disappeared from his life totally???

Empytiness

Hmm... before i goes to sleep and can't sleep yet again... I guess I better do this out... >.<

Don't know why YET AGAIN... I suddenly felt with a certain emptiness in my heart... such emptiness with not knowing wat I am doing and wat's my objective in this work... I feel like as though I am driving myself crazy... slow and slowly I am becoming more and more inhuman... not being able to think for myself and not being able to find my way of life... x_x...

There are things that I want to do so much... there are things that I hoped so much... Yet all fails in one single feeling...

I felt as though I have lost everything that's in my life... as though that living forward is just a decays of my life...

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earlier this week... I was already quite alright... well its just about 4 days ago I guess...

It was when i heard about my tarot reading that my relationship still goes well and good... But also since that day... things have been made me think otherwise... if we are going so well... So wat's wrong? He is damn rightly doesn't even talk to me... doesn't shows any feeling or concern towards me... so wat is it that its call that relationship going so well...

My friend said that its becos he has his pride as being a person... and that he such way that he wun lower down himself to talk to me....

All these while... I just really wonders... I have a fair share of all the good times with him... but seems that it all started after the time when he thought after 1 year I am going to end the relationship that he just doesn't seem to realli concern about me... as and when he like... he will give me cold shoulders and does his own stuff not bothered about me...

I always feels upset about things... and many of the times is also becos he is upset about what wrongS that I have done... and that makes me feel so upset... but then again... many of the time... he just angry with me and I always have to lower down myself to say sorry to him... the amount of time he says sorry or console me is I think... lesser than the amount of time I did mine...

But then... I make myself happy again that I am happy to be with him... many of the time is the reflects of the good time i have with him... >.<

So is it that up till now... becos all these while that I have been the one always giving in to quarrels and upsets... that he will never be giving in to me again???

If that's the case... then how will I see myself being a man that loves him again??? I feel that I can look myself as the slavery of his love... being that I am the one taking all the pains in... and he just doing whatever he wants with me... =(

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Guess getting this out of my mind for now... If not I will feel miserable again and end up cannot sleep again!!!

Encounters... =x

Heh... Dunno why today... I wake up and while driving feeling so vexed... yet doesn't know what's wrong seriously... =\

Hmm... In car I encountered some realli meaningful songs that really says about my feeling in the past few weeks... well... I dunnoe... It really calms me down... driving on the expressway never seems so long and so slow going then...

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Cascada's -- What Hurts The Most...

I can take the rain on the roof of this empty house,
that don't bother me
I can take a few tears now and then
and just let them out

I'm not afraid to cry
Every once in a while even though goin on with you gone still upsets me
There are days
Every now and again
I pretend i'm okay but that's not what gets me

What hurts the most
Was being so close
And having so much to say
And watchin you walk away

Never knowing
What could have been
And not seeing that lovin you
Is what I was tryin to do

It's hard to deal with the pain of losing you everywhere I go
But i'm doin it
It's hard to force that smile when I see our old friends and i'm alone
Still harder
Gettin up, gettin dressed, livin with this regret
But I know if I could do it over
I would trade, give away all the words that I saved in my heart that I left unspoken

What hurts the most
Was being so close
And having so much to say
And watchin you walk away

Never knowing, what could have been
And not seein that lovin you
Is what I was tryin to dW

I'm not afraid to cry
Every once in a while even though goin on with you gone still upsets me
There are days
Every now and again
I pretend i'm okay but that's not what gets me


What hurts the most
Was being so close
And having so much to say
And watchin you walk away

And never knowing
What could have been
And not seein that lovin you
Is what I was tryin to do

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Avril Lavigne -- When you're gone:

I always needed time on my own
I never thought I'd need you there when I cry
And the days feel like years when I'm alone
And the bed where you lie is made up on your side

When you walk away I count the steps that you take
Do you see how much I need you right now

[Chorus]
When you're gone
The pieces of my heart are missing you
When you're gone
The face I came to know is missing too
When you're gone
The words I need to hear to always get me through the day and make it ok
I miss you

I've never felt this way before
Everything that I do reminds me of you
And the clothes you left, they lie on the floor
And they smell just like you, I love the things that you do

When you walk away I count the steps that you take
Do you see how much I need you right now

[Chorus]
When you're gone
The pieces of my heart are missing you
When you're gone
The face I came to know is missing too
When you're gone
The words I need to hear to always get me through the day and make it ok
I miss you

We were made for each other
Out here forever
I know we were, yeah
All I ever wanted was for you to know
Everything I'd do, I'd give my heart and soul
I can hardly breathe I need to feel you here with me, yeah

[Chorus]
When you're gone
The pieces of my heart are missing you
When you're gone
The face I came to know is missing too
When you're gone
The words I need to hear to always get me through the day and make it ok
I miss you

OMG... Another Nightmare???

Hmm... 2 nights ago... I had yet another trouble sleeping... =x

Flashback about the one I crushed the drinking glass in my hands... and that whole story keep on repeating in my mind...

Another feeling was... that I am so obsessed to him that I couldn't let him go... even if he already become cold towards me... I am still clinging on to him...

To add on to this... I actually saw myself cutting my wrist... to feel pain... to numb those cold-hearted feelings in me... Its like as though ripping out my feeling from my body... so that I don't have to know how to feel anymore since he hurt my feelings...

Watever that he will hurt in me... I slowly ripping off from my body... That's really scary to think about... and I dunnoe if things realli going into that directions...

I also felt that... everytime I went out with people... I show the happy side of my life... YET whenever at home I gets too emotional that I don't even look like the normal... It makes me feel as thought that I am starting to have a dual personality... one that hides my true self from the rest and the other one that makes me so emotional and gives me nightmares that I can't control...

I have been thinking... If things are going to get worse... I guess I may have to turn to counselling =(

I realli dun want to end up being so torn up that I ended up in such a depression state beyond cure... and with medicine that have depression side effects... I am seriously thinking that things wun recover so easily...

Haix... I really wonders... All these while... why he doesn't get the hints that I needed him so much in my life... and Why all this while... I realize that all the negative thoughts about him... Is due to we not talking and he not concerned about me... so thus my mind have been going on its own will to think all the such things that could happens.. It really scars me badly... =(

Haix... and i really scared that this would adds a lot of stress to him... but... how come he still not here for me?

Is it this true that he actually prefers to be with his friends over there than for me... =( ... It realli upsets me that things are not as I expected... ='(

Guess if things goes this way... I am going to feel numb and feeling less for long...

Oh... to add on...

Anyway... another things just got into me...

Well...many people asked me if this should be the point that I let things go... so i would have this in me... I wouldn't let things go... if this relationship is going to end in a bad manner... I wun just give up... just like tat... I already had promised myself since the very start of this relationship...

If ever there's an ending to this relationship... I would want it in a happy manner... and that I can still be friends with the person I love... Instead I hope that he would be my besties friends for long... I just can't think the possibilities tat if we end our relationship in bad manners... It would be so awkward for our friends to go out with us both... pressuring... I mean wat are the chances we will meet face to face with each other when we broke up... but just you can't rule out the point that there is a chance to meet right?

THEN AGAIN!!! I AM NOT GIVING UP SO EASILY!!! xD

So I hope too... that "YOU" will not give up on me that way too... =)

Talk and thoughts

Well last night... I went over to meet up with friends after a lazy afternoon and a nice swim in the pool...

the thing was that i am suppose to meet them up for dinner... and it ends up with a very late dinner... and we left Serene alone in the house... since she couldn't make it already and she have things to do... =\

after we went to eat... we bought food back for her... while another friend of mine sent the rest of the group back... heh it was nice to meet them though =)

well... went back to the apartment with nothing to do and nothing to expect is seriously very dull... and its also a way that i would get EMOtional again...and starts to think about daniel... so yeah... I was complaining quite a lot that i am so emo... >.< ... heh, feel bad for Serene though that...

Then again... I think she was also emo-ing but she just didn't say it out... turn out, i guess... things haven been going well for her and Jon... I think almost the same problem that I am having now...

Well we talked things out... I guess since me and Jon have the same horoscope(I believe a lot of it... in terms of general characteristic) yeah... so I guess I did give here advise and thoughts of cancerian to her... but yeah... realli hope that they work things out together... since i know cancerians are not those who will give up easily =x unless really no hope liao...

But yeah... looking at their problems... I kept thinking it back over and over again... I am facing the same problem... but I felt this misery that its getting worse... and me being emo is not even getting much better even if i goes to gym and do stuff to keep me busy... talking things out sometimes just make me think that I realli realli am feeling a lot lot more worst...

Heh... thinking that army is dawning on me realli soon enuff... I realli dunnoe how to work things out inside...

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Last night... I imagined myself... thinking that if we continue to stay cold this way... and when I enter army... I guess I would be back to my old real self... being a very cold and quiet person... I have exhausted all my spirits to do anything then... so i guess i just going to stay low and get on and thru with it in the worst feeling ever... and i guess i am EXTREMELY NOT ENJOYING NS!!!

a certain hunch and intuition is telling me that Daniel is going to come back earlier than Christmas... and most probably when I am still in BMT... I realli wonder then... if he would like me to fetch him or not... or if he would not even announce his return, in order to surprise me...

But I guess if he does the latter.... It wouldn't be a surprise... if i was to go for an outing with the rest... and suddenly he pop up... I guess one thing that would happen is ... a burst of anger will grows out of me... and probably i will just crush a drinking glass on my hands if its possible... I guess that's how much energy being stored inside =\ ...

Its not actually about how angry at him... Its just that I am just too happy and too agitated as well as too frustrated over him to the point tat i cannot take such surprises anymore... tat it gives me such energy to burst all my frustration in one point of time...

then i guess... i would just walk out of the restaurant and just goes somewhere quiet to cry it all out... I know that the next time i see him... I will sure going to cry badly and i dunnoe how to hold back anymore... ='( ... seriously this whole emotion thing is taxing... been trying to evade it... been trying to cry it all out... but it just doesn't seems to work...

I want to have a rest from my emotions and spend a good time with him... or expects a better days so much with him... but I realli at wits end on how to work this things out... =( ... Is it time to get myself counsel? somehow I dun appreciate living again at times...

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Oh yeah... I also found out one thing... but Daniel is also going on a road trip this coming September's mid-sem break... I actually thought of going over to meet him for the last time before i am going to be dreaded for NS... but he realli wasn't very keen on me going over... his reasons: Becos he probably would be too busy with his reports and experiments that he would have to little time to entertain me, so it would be better that I would not go... and the other negative side of me is guessing out that he is not comfortable to have me there cos all his room-mate is straight... so... since he is discreet... he wouldn't want me over at all... But seriously now that I look at the calendar... and see that he is going on a road trip... I am seriously upset also... cos If he has this in mind... means he is seriously very free to be able to go on such a long trip... seriously... I tried driving in Aussie before and long journey is extremely exhausting... so you must be very energize to go for such a road trip...

I am not going to complain to him about it also... since its realli a fun that he likes to do... becos i also cannot change his mind... if i goes over then and he gives me those unhappy face that I am there... I am just wasting money and I am not going to enjoy myself... But realli to think of him this way... makes me feel how true that he doesn't takes me seriously as a boyfriend... I am just like being played around... now that he doesn't need me... he prolly just going to put me aside... =\ ... sorry but just that whenever things like this happens my negative side just takes over me alot... although as much time that I want to survive in at this point... I realli dunnoe how to do it...

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Anyway another point that I got to find out is... Serene finds Jon quite obsessed with her in the relationship.... Daniel as well finds me quite obsessed in the relationship... But is it wrong to be obsessed with someone you love? but anyway... I dun think i am obsessed is just that I REALLI LIKE being around the people I love... and I DO want to care for him... so most of the time i would like to think of him (especially at these times where we can't even meet each other)... is it wrong to do so? why can't people just appreciate the way we as their love partners feels and cares for them?

Seriously, I think I am just going to ask around about my other friends partner... If they find cancerian as partner being too obsessed with them? O.o

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I guess to end off today's NEGATIVEs ranting... I would just say that if realli one day... If happens that I cannot handle things anymore... from this relationship, from family.... I guess I prolly will think of ways to end off my life =) ... all these while... I guess I have already achieved what I want in my life...and dun expect more... and all these while i have never thoughts that my life would be long(instead I did want to kill myself when i was young)... since young many things have happened in the family... I have had enough of them... and I tot my love life would makes things better... but i guess if its going for the worst... I have no thoughts of going anymore further in life... >:-(

I am worried?? O.o

Heh... just about to sleep... but thoughts suddenly keeps on pouring in my mind... I wonders why I am worrying so much...

The starts of the day is weird too... for the day... I woke up from sudden dream... and I was kissing a girl PASSIONATELY... and I can still remembers the expression i made in the dream summore =\... so weird...

Hmm... well I was being Emo again not too long ago just now... when i saw one of my friend's FB status... its realli very emotional though... He misses his girlfriend... and since he is now having internship in China summore... dunnoe if its true that i heard from another friend that his girlfriend just jumped down from somewhere... =( ... I can't imagine if i have to end it tat way too... but I can't rule out the possibilities that if i want to escape from my life tat way... =\ ... and I have never thought that dying was a bad thing before (at the least I will be able to watch over my loved ones from afar)... its when you are in the point where you are vegetable or handicapped and just waiting for the death gods to take away ur life... that i think its why I cried or will feel miserable all my life... but if I shld die... I guess I WILL end it as quickly as possible... rather than draggin it...


I too have the same sentiments =\ as my friend who's missing his gf ...


I see him keeps going to others pages to post in their status... yet... I dun seem to see him post in mine... well probably mine is just an emo one... which i guess he couldn't be any less bothered about... and... others are much more worth commenting about...

Its also been weeks since i talked to him.... someone told me to talk to him... I realli realli wonders how am i going to start the convo either.... =\


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I just realli wonders... so many times I keeps on telling Arthur that I am emo-ing... and I realli worries that I making him worried about me alot... =\ ... then again... I am also realli scared that if i don't speak out... and I goes into depression and shuts everyone around me (more like isolating myself) would be a serious matter for me...

Haix... is it realli possible that I am seriously going into depression stage... I can already sees myself how much less talkative I am... =(

Macy Gray's I Try Lyrics realli explains alot about loves:

I may appear to be free...But I'm just a prisoner of your love...I may seem alright and smile when you leave...But my smiles are just a front...I play it off but I'm dreamin of you...I'll keep my cool but I'm fiendin...Though I try to hide it... Its clear... my world crumbles when you are not there...