so yep, first things first, i'd like to thank all my gracious friends who have embraced my coming back to Singapore with such warmth and who have stood by my foolish antics offering me their support and comfort. it is good to know that i'm not alone and it only made me realize how stupid i've been in neglecting them the past 3 years. so let me say a big apology to all. i promise i'd be a better friend in 2009. *promises* =) and yesh, i know i've been lamenting how it doesn't feel like i'm back in Singapore, but i'm sure this time once i come back from Hong Kong, it'll be different.
in fact, the 1 week i had in Singapore, though it felt dreamy, has provided me a big wake-up call. it was as though i've been propelled into reality; the cold harsh world that is awaiting me beyond my soon concluding youth. i guess i have been guillible and naive. surprisingly, i'd never thought of myself as naive. always thinking that i'm a strong, sensible girl. but i think with regards to certain aspects of my life, i still have heaps to learn. i don't feel sadness anymore, just an immense feeling of stupidity. how could i have let myself to believe everything a person says? i never believed in an altruistic world, but i put faith that a person i've been closed to for a certain period of time would actually deserve some of my trust. so i decided to look at the good and disregard the bad. but yet, i fell, and was trapped in an endless series of lies. it was all just a facade. there were so many lies that have been unravelled that it feels as if the whole relationship itself was a lie. i was made to look like a fool and it feels as though the person whom i thought i knew so well was in fact just merely a stranger. but i guess it reaffirms the fact that i do deserve so much better; so much more. and that is probably why i don't feel sadness; but am just numb about it. cause it's like there was nothing there in the first place that's worth being sad about. i thought nights and nights on why my first relationship ended like that. and why i must meet such a person. but then i thought again, that this is probably good. 1) it serves a good lesson upon entering 21, not to be too trusting of people, and 2) as i mentioned before, provides me a good dose of reality.
so in fact, i thank him for being my first (and am grateful he ain't my last). for it made me realize as much as we like to believe in love as a sacred thing, there are a lot of people who think of it differently. who do not cherish love but who goes out abusing it. but i guess that is a personal choice and i can't force them to live any other way for it is their life. and so i forgive. i do not want to leave this world bearing any grudges or any hatred. but that does not mean i don't care, just that it is part of my past now and it shall remain there for the rest of my life. i am kind of excited in a sense. it's going to be a whole new fresh experience for me. there's so much more people i can meet. and now, i can live my life in Sydney in Sydney time and not Singapore time. haha. and yesh, i do have another 2 months in Singapore before i go back again for my last year of studies (if i don't do honours). i think i'll apply for permanent residency in case i wish to work there in the future. also, i'd really like to concentrate on my studies and maintain/improve my results. and of course, have HEAPS OF FUN the first two months of 2009. it shall start with the new year's eve party, though i've yet to plan..oops! but yea, whatever we're going to do, i trust we're going to have fun right?
so yeps, i can't wait to return from Hong Kong and i'm excited as to what's going to happen in 2009 =) there's so much more to life that it shouldn't stop because of one minor pitfall. i believe i've come out a stronger girl. so much wiser now (i hope). LOL!
much love from Macau.
xoxo
sarah
7hours|away :: 10:12 AM
