January 01, 2016

Everything and everyone has its own worth, at its own time and its own place, in its own pace.

In 2016, i wish to be kinder at heart, gentler in action and truer in speech. I want to be more assertive yet less demanding; less needy and more appreciative. Have a broader mind, and have a better grip on my temperament. To be more gracious in life, to be more forgiving on wrongs done.

In the new year, i want to learn to love myself a little more, i want to be someone worthy of a little more self love.


I want to look back on this post on the last day of 2016, and be able to smile in pride of goals i've reached, and much more that i'd do than what i dared to dream now.

July 27, 2015

caught one of the relatives of a patient having slipped of tongue today. when the doctor asked her if the nurse who helped change the patient's diapers informed her of any blood in stool, the word "maid" came naturally out. of course she corrected herself almost immediately, but the fact that I was there, even though I was not the "maid" who changed the diapers for the patient earlier on, had me silenced for a while. it shouldn't come as a surprise actually, especially in the setting of Singapore, but it still hurts to really hear it firsthand what the society thinks of the profession I am in. and while wiping asses doesn't automatically equates you to a maid, I guess it takes years of bending too low to result in nurses being "missies" despite the government's efforts in changing the profession's image.

what is the use of introducing a degree course in nursing, if the government is not doing anything else drastic? what is the point of encouraging further studies, if the institutions only recognise it when they need it? how do you expect the society's view to change, when the people working the ground is not changing or willing to change?

I know very well that the feeling I'm feeling is close to a burn out, and while my compassion and passion and sympathy is almost exhausted after 4 years of nursing, I do wonder to myself how, and why so. it's not as if I have much passion in anything else, but the dread to go to work every single day is horrifying. Not to mention the constant disappointment in the management and myself, the unchanging complaint cases we have to face almost always (which somehow ending inthe conclusion that we're always in the wrong, even when we're evidently not). Too tired to say a word, too weak to fight to change. while going with the flow is slowly drowning me, swimming against the tide seems like an equally bad idea.

I can remember too clearly the reason I always gave when I was starting in Year 1 of university life, when they always ask for the reason that I chose nursing, and that is because I am a people-person and like to interact with people, and that I dislike deskbound jobs. While I guess I would still enjoy doing clinical works than research, I am clearly reconsidering the fact of patient exposure interactions. To the extent that a deskbound job is starting to sound interesting to me, that the everyday interaction with patients and relatives is becoming more of a training of my soul than being anything resembling passion.

I'm really not sure what is going to come after this, but it is reality that I'm reconsidering my options and my choice.

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February 02, 2015

Putting aside the fact that patients believe themselves more educated and thus demand more things from the healthcare providers, irregardless the demands valid or founded or fundamentally rational to a healthcare professional, people in general are getting more and more vocal. And that I mean more prone to complain, and definitely not in the positive light.

If your loved ones is being abandoned in a corner while having difficulty in breathing, or being soaked in urine for hours without any attention, I would probably agree that a feedback is needed. But if your family is waiting to see a broken wrist after being seen by another doctor then referred in for further management, or came in for lower back pain which has been there for months, it makes little sense to complain about the lack of attention or the long waiting hours. Do not ask me to imagine what I would do if the patient were my family, because firstly I would not have let them waited for so long before seeking medical advice, and I definitely would not be so ridiculous and demand immediate attention knowing the doctors are probably off somewhere seeing other dying patients. Oh, and if compassion really equals to milo and biscuits and that would make you forget the long waiting hours, we would definitely be happy to serve it to you despite the presence of vending machines. But let us not imagine what you would demand from us next.

We always laughed amongst ourselves that those who can complain probably won't need to be seen fast, and the fact that you're screaming at the top of your lungs tell us enough to know you're not breatheless as claimed. I know this is over-generalising and that sometimes when your family is out of form you would lose your cool. But I also seek for your help in minding your tone and make demands that are at least rational. And I hope I do not need to further emphasize again, no matter what kind of grandeur delusions you may have, you do not pay us our salary.

And this brings me to the point on the complaints the public writes on newspapers and other medias. I am really not sure what constructive changes could be produced from the endless complaints, since we're already implementing whatever we can, and the manpower issue is another thing altogether that while we remain xenophobic, we do not want our children to do the dirty work. But never mind that now. From my point of view, the complaints if not anything, do the system more harm than good. People getting more anxious from the start, and any slight delay would result in "see I knew this would happen" or "so it is true" correlations, which in turn heightens the demands and demeaning words came naturally.

I knew from the start that this profession would not be easy, but with the already increasing workload due to the ageing population, the increased stress from the insults and violence we get on a daily basis is not helping the situation. While you bid for our empathy on your situation, I plead for your sympathy.