Faith & Stats

When I was in high school, I wanted to be a surgeon. I met Erika with a K that's a surgeon today and she is the only surgeon I have ever met that has made me have a little nag of regret in not moving forward with that little dream of mine. I watched her eyes light up as I rotated the baby on my chest from one breast to the other as she examined "the mass". Yes, you did read that right, the baby had to go with me. I had 4 finely laid out, make any football coach proud, game plans of who was to help me and because Erika with a K is a surgeon, her schedule got all out of whack and she gave me a 30 minute window earlier than expected to race down a construction ridden freeway, throw the baby in the stroller, and wheel us in to her room only for her to be greeted by screams from a 13 month old frightened baby girl. E's only experience with doctors is apparently highly associated with the pain of needles and the only thing that would calm her was me holding her against my chest in the always lovely, open in the front, paper gown. Good times.

Now to the news. Thank God, the prolactin levels are normal!!! That means pituitary gland issue is not the cause of breast leakage. When asked what causes it, she said it just happens and may happen my whole life. Well, ok then onto "the mass". It's still there, but it has shrunk half a centimeter in length and width. According to Erika with a K, cancer doesn't usually shrink. She looked at me smiling and said your stats look good. I said how good, what are my options, and what can I do to help my body not to rebel against me? She said if I had come in for a breast exam today that she probably would not have found it and/or have been concerned with it since it matches the fibro cystic tissue in my other breast. She said, however, it is still there, but shrinking is good and although the only way to know for sure that it isn't cancerous is to take it out and have the pathologist examine it, that I am looking at .5% of it being cancerous!!! That is crazy good news!! Now to the options, they are the same as before. Breast MRI, yank it out, or wait. We are deciding to wait for one more month and have her look at the same day of the next cycle, if its bigger, we get it out for sure, if it isn't we evaluate then just in time for summer fun:)
As far as what I can do...for the pain, drop caffeine-ouch-that may have to have a cost analysis ran on it, I'm not sure. As for the fibrous tissue, its here to stay, weight loss may affect it a little, but until menopause its gonna be a lumpy ride. Again, good times.

For some reason as I heard her talk stats and percentages, all I could think was yes-- I am so grateful and part of me is looking to her for that guarantee that all will be ok. That's where stats step off and faith comes in. My guarantee is not in her or tests or machines, its in Him and I know that, but knowing and really knowing and feeling it don't always happen together. I like Erika with a K that felt me up with a screaming baby on my chest and looked at me when I apologized and said "This is Life". I think we're a great patient/surgeon...faith/stats team and yes, this is life and I don't want to miss a beat as I buckle up for the next fun ride--dermatologist vs. suspicious mole...good times!

Thank you for continued prayer as we watch "the mass" and I hope to report next month that the only mass to be found is down the street at St. Mary's!

Tiny Dancer

#1 did awesome at her competition today and she was so excited she did the somersault on the hard gym floor correctly that she couldn't wait to put the prize winning T-shirt on! I am so proud of her for sticking with this hip hop thing that 3 months ago, a week after I bought the competition costume, she begged with pleading eyes and alligator tears, to quit. How far she's come...she's still quitting, but there's definitely something said for sticking it out.

As we waited for her group to perform, we were watching #3 watch the other performers and I had to share our tiny dancer's performance on the stroller!

How did I get so lucky to have such an awesome family...sigh...

The Note

Today I wrote a note on pretty stationery with my initial on it and sealed it with a pretty sticker. A normal thing to say thank you, to say hey-I've been thinking about you, to say I love you. A not so normal thing to drop off to a surgeon who isn't returning calls to say hey chica, I'd like to know if my blood levels are normal prior to the next appt to make sure we aren't wasting any time and thanks for the rub down! Definitely not normal, but less than 3 hours Erika with a K's name showed up on my caller id and her friendly receptionist who God Bless Her pretended that we hadn't talked everyday for the past 2 weeks in my pestering to get that pertinent info, called to say oh the dr had a great idea, she actually looked at the old blood work that didn't measure prolactin levels and wow, wouldn't it be nice to know what those are prior to your next appt, which happens to be Monday? Oh my, what an idea!!
So, all sarcasm aside, I get to go get poked again to get that prolactin level and my "special visitor" arrived today so I will be seeing the surgeon Monday afternoon to have her re-assess "the mass" and see if it's smaller, same or bigger. Let the good times roll! Thanks for continued prayer:)!

Half My Life

I have officially been with my Big Game for half my life. We met in Math Anal our Junior year of high school and we didn't have our first date until prom of our Senior year (go Bulldogs) where we joined Ang and Aaron for a double date at Bobby McGee's, the dance, Ramona Bowl for some chatting and game playing, and Denny's for a Grand Slam. We had our first kiss propped up on his moms Honda Accord and destiny took over.
Seventeen years....his dimples, his wavy hair, his brains, and the way he looked in a suit were the things that got me right from the start. That following Monday he gave me his letterman jacket to wear which I proudly sported in the 90 degree heat for the last month of school leading to graduation. When you are 17 how do you know what or who you will love? I just knew. I knew he would never hurt me, at least not on purpose. I knew he could fix anything. I knew he was a hard worker and very smart. Most of all, I knew he loved me, even when I couldn't or wouldn't love myself.
Half your life with the same person is a HUGE deal, especially in a world of divorce, in a time of both of us being so young. We've always seemed to have had a shield of protection around us. We've grown up together, have the same memories, and even when it seems things aren't fantastic, one of us will usually make the other laugh....17 years and still laughing...half my lifetime and yet so much more to look forward to...
Loving you always BG...
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MDM (Mother's Day Memories)

Has anyone seen my slinky? stated by the 9 year old...





I don't wanna wear my tennis shoes to golf!!! also stated by the 9 year old...





Can I have another piece of chocolate? 7 year old dreaming aloud....





Blah, blah, per, blah, blah, poo! 1 year old asking for a diaper...dare we say genius?





At least I didn't have to fold laundry!

Mary and the Mass

The mammo got moved up to yesterday afternoon. After volunteering at school, a trip to Target, and lunch with a friend, I ended up going alone and reading several delightful articles in the magazine Allure. The squishing itself was not alluring, but meeting the intake nurse, Mary, was an experience I won't soon forget. She basically balked at any concern I had and at the end of her exam told me to stand up, place my arms at my side, lift my left arm to touch my right elbow, and said feel that? I said yes, that's my elbow..to which she replied, that's a lump. She may as well had called me an idiot and kicked me to the curb and I so wanted to pull out the line from that Office movie and say, "Sounds like somebody's gotta case of the Mondays..." But it was Tuesday and she didn't look like she watched anything without Matlock in it.

So, after recovering from that, the radiologist told me everything looked normal-no pre-cancerous calcium deposits to be seen-Praise God!!
When I spoke to the surgeon's assistant today, she said THE MASS (she really did emphasize it like that, it was quite disturbing, like something Quentin Tarrantino would have a character say...I digress) could not be seen on imaging. That is what we expected and even though it can't be seen doesn't mean it's not there, so we will be scheduling another consult in a couple weeks to see how to proceed.

I can't tell you how many emails, phone calls, texts, hyeroglyphics (sp?) of encouragement I have received since I put the 911 out there. Thank you to each and every one of you for showing you care and for praying. There are so many people worse off than me and its humbling to be loved so openly. I asked a friend today, what would happen if we rallied in prayer for each other like this all of the time, even when no crisis is hiding in the wings? Her response was that would be totally awesome! I agree and hope that we can practice that together.

Be well and thanks for continuing in prayer:)!!

Happy Familyversary!

One year ago today we officially became a family of 5!!! James and I met E for the first time in a tiny hotel room in Texas and man, this year has crawled and flown by all at the same time! So, today in honor of 4 becoming 5, E decided to take 3 steps towards me without holding on to anything and before I could grab any sort of camera, she sat down! Soon enough she'll be racing around on those cute chubs of hers!

To the ones I hold the tightest...J, C, R & E, I love you more than words can say and have embraced this past year with all its ups, downs, and round abouts! To my girls especially, thank you for giving your dad and I such joy and causing us to grow so much within ourselves and for keeping us on our toes and knees all at the same time! You three are sisters for life and we never want you to forget that.

Happy Familyversary-the Nelson fam rocks!