:)

Sometimes... if you're lucky (well, blessed... cuz I don't believe in luck...)...

you get to smile because God let you be a part of something wonderful
you get to see a glimpse of God working in someone else's life
you get to unexpectedly stay up for 3 hours waaay past your bedtime talking to someone you're so glad you stayed up 3 hours waaay past your bedtime talking to
you get to be missed by a teenager whose love you don't deserve
you get to play for a few hours with 2 beautiful, adorable little girls
you get to realize a piece of God's plan wasn't coincidental
you get to be reminded that God works in wonderful, sometimes unconventional ways :)

avoidance

I'm back from Longlac.
But like I've said to countless people, I don't want to be back.
I want to be there... I want to hug and hold and talk to the kids on the reserve. I want to hang out with the new friends I've made and laugh until I can't breathe like we did night after night there. I want to support and encourage and physically pray with people I love and didn't know I could care so deeply about within a few days of meeting for the first time. I want to swim in ice cold lakes and walk around the rez and play with the kids for hours on the playground. I want to smile when I see kids riding their bikes and taking care of each other. I want to pet dogs with wagging tails and play fetch with them and their disgusting, smelly, soggy tennis balls. I want to have nightly Bible studies with brothers and sisters so willing and ready to learn and dig into God's Word. I want to have spontaneous jam sessions and worship nights and hear and share about how faithful our God is. I want to worship in a church that feels like home. I want to live next door to the pastor's family and be treated like family by wonderful people I've just met. I want to see heartmelting toothless grins by toddlers, children and old twin brothers. I want to look at the stars at night until my neck aches. I want to drive by beautiful, shining lakes and see nothing but blue skies and green trees. I want to live in community with friendly faces and people that are real, not pretending to be perfect... people that wear their hearts on their sleeves... people that aren't afraid to cry, or care, or feel.


Since coming back I've been avoiding meeting up with people and hanging out. I haven't been replying to emails or facebook posts, I haven't been picking up phone calls and I think I'd just be at home all day if it weren't for the only 2 people I've seen every single day for the past 3 weeks and don't mind seeing every single day for the next 3 weeks. Not really sure the reason for these antisocial tendencies... but maybe I'm afraid that after experiencing and seeing all that I did in Longlac, I'll be unchanged and live life the same way, with the same perspective and the same apathetic, jaded heart. Maybe I'm selfish and don't want to pour my heart out dozens of times and drain myself of the memories and people I've come to love and cherish. Maybe I'm afraid that after the 20th time of sharing the same story about the same person, I'll start to feel nothing when I share it. Maybe I just need some time to myself to process and reflect on the past 2 weeks before I share it with others.

I don't know. But I know that life goes on... I have to embrace these opportunities to share the blessings God's poured on me and even if that means sharing the same things over and over again... even if that means overcoming my fear of eventually losing my love and heart for Longlac with each retelling of events.... I just have to trust that God's going to seal whatever he's put in my heart and sharing the blessing with others isn't going to diminish it at all. Maybe it'll grow instead, and spread as I share what God's doing in a town he might be calling me to.

heart + eye surgery

I hate it when my brother's right. I hate it when he tells me something and I know that what he's saying is right and I'm still arguing but I know all along in my head that he's speaking truth that I need to hear.

It hit me tonight that I need heart surgery. After a year of half hearted, inconsistent, flimsy devotional time with God, I am in need of major heart surgery. And an attitude check.

I also need eye surgery because I've had a giant plank stuck in my eye for goodness knows how long and it's been causing me to see things unclearly. I am the biggest hypocrite ever.

It's scary I didn't realize these things earlier.... probably because I haven't been turning to the person or book that would have told me that I need to repent and prayerfully reflect so I can see things clearly.

What's also scary is that I can keep on living and pretending to myself that everything is fine, I'm having fun and enjoying life when there is so much on the inside that I haven't dealt with. I guess I'm the queen of denial and avoidance. But try as I might, there will always be triggers that cause all that ugliness and those swept aside issues to come pouring out in such an obvious way that even I can't deny they exist any longer.

Sigh.

Growing up sucks. Ignorance is bliss. And I hate responsibility.

But... there is beauty in the pain that growth causes. It helps you to realize over and over how little you know and how inadequate you are in every way. It pushes you towards the everlasting arms of the only person who can save you every single time. Ignorance sometimes causes more pain than bliss because enlightenment, epiphanies and knowledge can bring welcome and needed change to one's life. Dealing with unresolved issues can release years of burden and bring a blessed freedom and rest to your soul. And responsibility.... responsibility and duty are unavoidable in life. But when you embrace them and do the best you can with what you've been given... there's a sweet satisfaction and joy incomparable to anything else.

So... I guess it's time to spend some serious quiet time to dig deep into God's Word... take a few deep breaths and slice open my heart to see what's really inside. I suspect I will find loads of unresolved anger, guilt, bitterness, and a ton of pride. But maybe afterwards I will be able to gently extract that plank as painlessly as possible before anyone around me gets hurt with careless words and prideful apathy.


Lifehouse - Broken

The broken clock is a comfort, it helps me sleep tonight
Maybe it can stop tomorrow from stealing all my time
I am here still waiting, though I still have my doubts
I am damaged at best, like you've already figured out

I'm falling apart, I'm barely breathing
With a broken heart that's still beating
In the pain there is healing
In your name I find meaning
So I'm holding on, I'm holding on, I'm holding on
I'm barely holding on to you

The broken locks were a warning, you got inside my head
I tried my best to be guarded, I'm an open book instead
I still see your reflection inside of my eyes
That are looking for purpose, they're still looking for life

I'm falling apart, I'm barely breathing
With a broken heart that's still beating
In the pain is there healing
In your name I find meaning
So I'm holding on, I'm holding on, I'm holding on
I'm barely holding on to you

I'm hanging on another day
Just to see what you will throw my way
And I'm hanging on to the words you say
You said that I will, I'll be ok

The broken lights on the freeway left me here alone
I may have lost my way now, haven't forgotten my way home

I'm falling apart, I'm barely breathing
With a broken heart that's still beating
In the pain there is healing
In your name I find meaning
So I'm holding on, I'm holding on, I'm holding on
I'm barely holding on to you

frustration.

It's frustrating when you just want to know something, one little (but big) thing that would put your mind and heart at ease... but God doesn't seem to be giving away any hints. Or maybe I'm just not listening. Probably the latter. But still.. frustrating. Uncertainty and hazy, foggy metaphorical muddles are frustrating. Especially when it's the second time around and you thought everything was laid to rest already.

Softball injuries are also frustrating :P But I'm having fun so far :) And even surprising myself when I do make some catches I didn't think I could.. or when I don't throw completely like a girl :P And I absolutely love that clear, crisp "ping" sound of the bat hitting the softball :)

I learned firsthand yesterday how much it hurts when the bat makes contact with the ball too close to your hands and you feel the impact reverberate through the bat in your hands. It hurts like heck. Subsequent dropping of the bat too quickly and onto your ankle also hurts like heck. Almost as much as catching a pop fly with your face. hahaha. I'll stop the self-pity party now :P

But as much as physical pain hurts... emotional pain hurts more... as Arthur said in his TC message. And sometimes people even self hurt physically in order to distract themselves from the emotional pain they feel inside.

Maybe I'm subconsciously self hurting via softball injuries. Or maybe I just suck at softball :P Either way... I hope I never have to feel heartache reverberate through me because I don't think my heart can take it. Face, hands, ankle... I can take it if they're injured. But heart... I'm not so sure about.

The pathway is broken
And the signs are unclear
And I don't know the reason why you brought me here
But just because You love me the way that You do
I will go through the valley
If You want me to

Cause I'm not who I was
When I took my first step
And I'm clinging to the promise You're not through with me yet
So if all of these trials bring me closer to You
I will go through the fire
If You want me to

It may not be the way I would have chosen
When you lead me through a world that's not my own
But You never said it would be easy
You only said I'll never go alone

So when the whole world turns against me
And I'm all by myself
And I can't hear You answer my cries for help
I'll remember the suffering Your love put You through
And I will go through the valley
If You want me to

-Ginny Owens

fearing God...

The fear of the Lord is the beginning of knowledge,
but fools despise wisdom and discipline.
-Proverbs 1:7

I think I've always been a bit rebellious and defiant. Some people would blame it on the youngest child syndrome (sometimes I do), but I think it's part of my personality; who I am. It's gotten me in trouble with my parents before... talking back, blatant disobedience, disrespect... people who don't know me too well probably couldn't see it in me but it's there.

I remember in high school... my parents would remark how... in some Chinese idiom about chickens (haha I think)... I'm fearless. Now that's definitely not true... but I know I did push and test the limits a LOT. And still do. I wonder why sometimes... I push away and disobey the people who love me the most - my parents. And I wonder even more how come they still love me so much, no matter what I do or don't do.


Lately I think God's been trying to teach me to fear Him. I just spent some time reading about how God's glory is revealed through us fearing him. How fear and friendship go hand in hand. Through fear, we learn to revere and obey God.... and in turn, he shows us the great blessings and plan he has in store for us when we learn to die to ourselves and put him first. Through our obedience, he can show us his great and indescribable love for us.... through people, circumstances, his faithfulness, provision, so much more. In the end, we just have to trust that God loves us and wants the best for us... and therefore obey whatever he tells us to do.

It's hard walking in obedience and submission when you're naturally rebellious. And I think we all are, to some extent. But I have to trust and keep reminding myself that I am obeying a Father who loves me and knows me better than anyone ever could. I'm trying and failing a lot... but slowly and surely, God is revealing his perfect love to me in so many ways... and he's building that awe and reverence for Him in me that I so desperately need.

leigh nash & dan haseltine - with every breath

Hallelujah from the heavens
Hallelujah in the heights above the earth
Hallelujah all His angels
Hallelujah for the last will be first
Let everything that has breath praise the Lord
Let everything that has breath praise the Lord

Hallelujah in the morning
Hallelujah for the beauty of His scars
Hallelujah in the twilight
Hallelujah sun and moon and shining stars
Let everything that has breath praise the Lord
Let everything that has breath praise the Lord

When the night seems so long, throw your hands to the sky
You can sing a new song, wipe the tears from your eyes
When you're weak, He is strong
He can heal your wounded soul
And calm the storm inside

For all your times of laughter
In every hopeful prayer
When the world weighs on your shoulders
Through sorrow and your despair
With everything, with every breath, praise the Lord
Let everything, let every breath praise the Lord
Let everything that has breath praise the Lord
Let everything that has breath praise the Lord
Let everything that has breath praise the Lord
Let everything, let every breath praise the Lord

When the night is so long, throw your hands to the sky
You can sing a new song, wipe the tears from your eyes
When you're weak, He is strong
He can heal your wounded soul
And calm the storm inside

"give thanks in all circumstances..."

So things have been a tiny bit bumpy the past few weeks... but on the whole... everything has definitely been going well and it's a time in my life where I'm almost always smiling (at least on the inside :)) and I can think of countless things to be thankful for at any given moment.

-getting to sleepover and spend lots of time with my grandma
-nostalgic but great visits to Kitchener/Waterloo
-sunshine on my face
-amazing friends and tons of laughs and good times together
-a course I absolutely love and don't mind studying/reading for
-freedom to do pretty much whatever I want this summer
-lots of opportunities to serve the community and help out in different ministries
-Starfield, Leona Lewis, Taylor Swift, hip hop... and other good music I get to blast in the car
-perfect summer days that include baby squirrels, mini putt, batting cages, ice cream, bbq, Scrabble, girl talk and a family I love spending time with


Life is good... God is good... it's a time when giving thanks is super easy to do and I feel spoiled by just how sweet life is right now. But this precious time of enjoying life is made even sweeter by remembering times when things weren't as rosy and it was hard to genuinely smile. I can honestly give thanks for all of the trials and difficult times I've been through because it helps me appreciate the good times that much more. And I know that when life seemingly starts to suck again... which it inevitably will.... I have a God who will faithfully lift me back up in his perfect timing and sustain me in the meantime. So I'm trying to draw in deep breaths of life while the sun is still shining on my face and all is as it should be... so I can remember God's grace and truly be able to give thanks in all circumstances.
:)